Lady Dynamite (2016) s01e12 Episode Script

1 [Maria.]
It was a week since I broke up with Scott, and I was doing great.
I was throwing myself into exercise and healthy living.
I was doing great! See? Sweating and jumping.
This is what people do after a breakup.
Absolutely.
Ever since I accepted that Barbara's gone for good, I started turning over a new leaf.
Yeah, I mean So, you feel better with exercise, right? Oh, absolutely.
Plus these great owl tranquilizers I got online from this guy named Johnny He.
[upbeat music playing.]
[hooting.]
- I'm high, like, literally 20 hours a day.
- Oh! Plus, the gym is a wonderful place to meet people.
Truly.
[chuckles.]
Hi, there.
Hey, here's the big honeypot, girls.
Where's all my female honeybees? [Maria chuckles.]
Well, I'm excited.
You know, 'cause finally I can get to do the things I've been putting off because I was in a relationship.
- You know.
- Yeah.
Just going to salsa clubs alone or going to a cat show alone.
Acknowledging the homeless, on a regular basis, you know.
- Embroidery, it's so beautiful.
- Mmm.
And I've always longed to be interested to do it, so But those are things you don't do if you're tied down.
Absolutely.
I love everything you're saying.
But it's probably because I can only hear the blood rushing in and out of my aorta.
Did I mention there's a little man living inside my brain? - His name is Danny.
- [gasps.]
- Owl drink? - [hooting.]
Bruce, are you sure you're in a condition to handle my career? - Let me check with Danny.
- [bells chiming.]
Answer is, "Yes.
" As a matter of fact, the Abluvia people are looking for a new pitch woman for their brand-new campaign.
Oh, Abluvia? Is that yogurt? Yeah, a delicious yogurt with herpes at the bottom.
That's disgusting.
No.
Just joshing.
[chuckles.]
Abluvia is a medicine for people with mouth herpes.
Speaking of herpes, that chick over there is checking me out.
I'm gonna give her something - to really look at.
Come with me.
- Okay.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Just help me - pull down these cables, okay? - Yes.
Okay.
I wanna get the full extension.
Okay.
[chuckles.]
You know, love really is like a child's prison.
You hold on tightly and then you let go lightly.
- Okay.
[gasps.]
- Wait a second! - [bones snapping.]
- [screaming.]
[theme music playing.]
[Maria.]
I'm a pterodactyl.
[Scott.]
I don't understand what I did to her.
I mean, why isn't Maria taking my calls or calling me back? Yeah, well, it's really hard to understand Maria, you know, most of the time She thinks you fingerbanged her in the kitchen on Thanksgiving.
- Fingerbang? - Mmm-hmm.
Why have I heard nothing of this tale of fingerbangery? Because you're a third-tier friend at best.
Wait.
I promise you, I did not fingerbang anyone.
And she did not like how you scraped half your plate.
Mmm.
Okay, was it the plate scrape or was it the fingerbang? So you did fingerbang her.
See, I'm part Native American, so my people are used to being raped at Thanksgiving.
- Look.
I have big hands.
- Ew.
If I'd have fingerbanged her in the kitchen, you'd have felt it in the living room.
Okay, I don't feel safe! Look, fuck-knuckles, Maria's got a mind of her own underneath all that yellow hair.
So, do you want my advice? - Yes.
- You gotta go see her.
Bring her something she likes, like one of those self-help workbooks.
- [mouthing indistinctly.]
- She loves those things.
She loves checking 'em off.
She can feel herself getting better.
Then you could bring her a case of LaCroix sparkling water.
Don't bring her that pamplemousse shit.
That's fucking disgusting.
Oh, you know what? And get her some pug shit.
She loves those little fuckers.
Great.
Thanks, but if you talk to her, tell her that I'll do anything, whatever it takes to make this right, okay? You should have thought about that before you fingered your relationship to death.
That's not what happened.
Don't you point that rape stick at me, man.
Thank you.
I don't feel safe with him anymore.
Yeah, well, you shouldn't feel safe around me either.
Oh, God! [shrieking.]
[knocking.]
Oh, uh Hey, Bert.
Maria around? [Bert.]
It's late, Scott.
And she doesn't want to see your fucking garbage face.
I don't get it.
What did I do? Is this about the plate scrape at Thanksgiving? [Bert.]
It's not my place to say.
But, yes, it was.
And the fingerbang, and some other things.
Among them, your general neediness.
- [Blueberry.]
Who is it, Bert? It's late.
- [growling.]
Hey, Bert! Dude, that's not cool! [Bert.]
No, I wasn't going to hit her.
In dog language it means, "I love you.
See you in bed.
" But I think it's fucked up that you went there.
Good night, Scott.
Let me talk to her for one minute.
[Bert barks.]
In dog years that is four days, and that is fucking ridiculous.
- Good night.
- No, look, please - No, tell her I love her.
- [door slams.]
[sighs.]
[Bert.]
Leave the clock.
Leave the fucking clock! [door slams.]
Good job-job, Bert.
[Bert.]
You're welcome.
My dear Maria, Scott loves you.
- Why won't you talk to him? - Because I'm not comfortable with people, places, or things needing me.
When things need me, I let them down.
Scott needs me.
I'll let him down.
[Bert.]
I need you.
And you've never let me down.
That's not true, and you know it.
[Bert.]
Oh, yes, there was that one time [Maria.]
I had been in Duluth for six months, and I realized Los Angeles wasn't my home anymore.
This was where I belonged.
[Maria.]
Mom, I was wondering if, maybe, I could have my own space inside my room [Marilyn.]
No, we don't want you to isolate yourself - [Maria.]
Okay.
- 'cause we want - some family time with you.
- [Maria.]
Okay.
[Marilyn.]
You know what I mean? [Maria.]
Yeah.
There's a fine line between isolation - What! Where's Bert? - [Joel.]
Where'd he go? He was just here, snorting away.
[Maria.]
He's gone! [Marilyn.]
Let's don't get in a panic.
- I mean, how far can a pug go? - [Joel.]
Exactly.
[screaming.]
Checklist stole another one of my pugs! - It's Blossom all over again! - [Marilyn.]
Bert? - Bert! - Where could that pug have gone? Bert! [dog barking.]
[horse neighing.]
[Maria.]
Hi.
I was wondering if I could put up a flyer for my beloved, missing dog, Bert? Oh, sure.
If you want, you can put one in the break room, too.
[Maria.]
Thank you so much.
All right.
Oh, I can't even look in the cages, all these sad little eyes.
Wait Bert? [Bert.]
'Tis I.
I couldn't resist the pull of my true love.
[kisses.]
Lady pug.
Better to die on one's paws than live on one's haunches.
It's you! It's him! [stuttering.]
My dog, Bert, he You're not dead! [Bert.]
I've never felt more alive.
Bert, you ready to go home? [Bert.]
Not without my lover.
Oh! [Bert.]
This is my lover.
Bert, we can't take in another dog.
I can't be trusted.
I killed Blossom.
I can't take responsibility for another dog.
Except you, you've been grandfathered in.
- Blossom! - [Blossom.]
That's right.
Take a seat, bitch.
And listen hard.
[whimsical music playing.]
[Blossom singing.]
A wet snout in your crotch Loose fur on your couch Sweet slobber on your cheek A warm companion when you sleep Yes, puppies are the answer The opposite of cancer [barks.]
[yawns.]
We watch you when you shit We're really into it When we chase after cars And dig up your yards You love us just the same We don't even know our names Puppy, puppy, puppy Life getting scarier? Just get a terrier Get beat by a brute? Pick up a malamute Doubt the presence of God? Get a shepherding dog Too much evil? Get a beagle Lost your noodle? Get a poodle Need a great big hug? Just get yourself a pug Really, dear.
Get yourself a pug.
Oh, Blossom.
I'm so sorry I killed you.
I was so stupid to turn over the garbage can with all those pills, and I'm never gonna do that to another dog again.
Because I'm never gonna have another dog, except for Bert, he's grandfathered in.
[Blossom.]
Poor Maria.
Don't you know, baby girl, that if you hadn't killed me, I would have killed you? One of us was not getting out of there alive.
I admire you, actually.
You did what I could not.
My paws were too tiny to pull the trigger.
You had a gun? Of course.
A Walther PPK.
With a mother of pearl handle and nickel plating.
A lady pistol.
I waited for you for hours to kill you.
You did? But I had to make sissy and got distracted by that delicious trash.
Oh.
Little did I know, you would be making sissy all over my face.
If you had gone first, I would have eaten you from the ankles up.
The best woman won.
My bowler hat is off to you.
Wait.
Are you forgiving me? Not quite yet, human.
Not until you return to the scum-filled streets of the City of Angels where you belong.
But I'm worried if I went back to LA [stuttering.]
I'd go mad.
And I wouldn't be able to handle it, and I'd go crazy on the 405.
[Blossom.]
Fuck the 405.
Take Coldwater.
Look, Maria, if you put fear behind you and live life to the fullest, our karmic debt will be repaid, and you will no longer be my murderer.
Do what I can no longer do, Maria.
Live! Live, mein liebchen! Goodbye, my sweet Maria.
Adieu.
Live! - [Blossom echoing.]
Live! - Adieu! [dogs barking.]
Holy shit, I can't believe she would have eaten me.
Oh, my God.
Is that how you put the dogs down? Oh, no.
We drown them in a bucket.
I just use the shotgun to keep their heads underwater.
[Bert grunts.]
So you gonna take that other pug, too? Um uh - Uh - [Bert.]
Please, Maria! I need her! Yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Okay, cool.
[Maria.]
Okay.
[Bert.]
I dub thee Blueberry.
Blueberry it is.
'Cause you're sweet, and small, and quiet.
Just like a blueberry.
You know what, guys? I'm gonna make a quick phone call.
[cell phone ringing.]
[Bruce.]
Salad department.
Bruce speaking.
Hey, Bruce.
It's Maria.
Would you like to represent me again? [gasps.]
I'm coming home! Oh, yes! [Maria.]
And that's how I made it back to LA.
I was really throwing myself into my work and forgetting about my breakup with Scott.
Oh, this is so funny.
Putting herpes on someone.
- Normally, I'm covering these things up.
- [both chuckling.]
[Bruce.]
Maria! - [muffled.]
Oh! Hey, Bruce! - [Bruce.]
How you doin'? Oh.
Sorry.
[clattering.]
- [cat meowing.]
- Sorry.
- Uh, listen - [Maria.]
Hey.
Please.
Uh Not a word about my current state, okay? Believe me, I've heard it all already.
So, uh, how are you? Good! Yeah just glad to be working and pushing down all the feelings down, down, down, about the breakup.
So, do you have anything for me? I got some great news.
The bladder people, Quandranique, are looking for another older woman for a spot where you walk around holding hands with an animated bladder.
- Lisa Rinna's already on board.
- Oh.
They need you to play somebody who's, well, more than friends with her at an outdoor concert.
Yeah, of course.
I accept.
I have to say, Maria, I'm really digging your enthusiasm.
This is just great.
I feel like we're really clicking like never before.
You're finally getting the Bruce Ben-Bacharach plan for you.
Take anything.
[chuckling.]
Yeah! - Toot, toot! - Toot, toot! [both chuckling.]
[serene music playing.]
I have herpes.
And I still don't.
[chuckling.]
Abluvia, for the sexually active bicyclist.
[director.]
Cut! Everybody, take five.
Everybody stay close.
My herpes people, if you're gonna drink anything, I need you to use a straw.
- Can I get a water? - [Maria.]
Huh.
- We make a cute couple.
- [both chuckling.]
[crying.]
- Oh, my God! Are are you - Yeah.
- I'm so sorry.
- Fuck it.
It's nothing.
- I'm just I'm a little - Okay.
Just that thing you said about being in a cute couple.
You reminded me of my ex-girlfriend.
- Oh.
- But she fucking broke up with me.
Oh! I'm sorry.
Oh! Fuck me! [sniffling.]
This is embarrassing.
[stammering.]
But why did she break up with you? That's the worst part.
She never told me.
I don't know why.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
That's exactly what I just did with my beloved.
Oh, fuck! No! - Yeah.
- Why? It was our first Thanksgiving together, and I brought him to meet all my friends - So fraught.
- Right.
- It's just full of tension, right? - Thank you.
[chuckling.]
It was like I felt responsible for him, and it's, like, he was super clingy, and He kind of fingerbanged me in the kitchen, and I was like, "Ooh, I don't wanna do this.
" You know, like, I'm gonna let him down.
Like I've let everybody down.
Especially Blossom.
Who's Blossom? [crying.]
My My dead pug.
Fuck, I'm sorry.
I love pugs.
They're the best.
They don't do anything.
- [chuckling.]
Exactly! - At all! Right? - And it's enough.
- It's like [grunting.]
- [snorts.]
Yeah.
- What is this? - They sit on things.
- [both laughing.]
- Fuck! I'm so fucking sorry.
- [groaning.]
- Fuck! - Yeah, I made a terrible mistake.
I sent the one good thing in my life away from me 'cause I was afraid I I wasn't enough for him.
Go to him.
Okay.
- And be a pug! - [laughing.]
- Be a fucking pug! - I am a pug! - 'Cause it's enough! - Oh, God! I'm going to my lover, Scott! I'm coming to fulfill our destinies! [Maria.]
Thank you.
[Karen.]
Excuse me.
- So sorry for your loss.
And mine.
- Oh.
I almost had Blossom in a two-bedroom condo on Wilshire.
- Oh.
- Miracle Mile.
Now the only miracle is how I'm gonna get that fucking deposit back.
Blossom was moving out? Yeah, she was moving in with her boyfriend.
Fucking hot corgi named Josh.
I thought Bert was her boyfriend.
No, Bert's her husband.
Sort of.
I mean, they have a loosey-goosey Kurt and Goldie type of thing.
- Oh.
- Hey, what's the Wi-Fi password here? [crying.]
"Blossom.
" - Oh, that's a bummer.
- [groaning.]
Hey, why is there a Mountie here? Blossom had a dual German-Canadian citizenship.
How do you know that? I saw her passport when I bailed her out of jail after that DUI.
The second one.
But she always got sick in the car.
Yep, because she was shit-faced.
This girl knew how to light it on fire.
Oh, I'm getting upset.
Fuck you, Blossom! [exclaims softly.]
Oh, okay.
Maria, my black heart goes out to you.
I mean it.
From one person who has killed dogs before to another, I know it's tough.
Yes, I know.
Thank you, Karen.
And I'm sorry that you couldn't make it.
I'm here.
I was just freshening up my drank.
Oh, okay.
I know you've been dealing with bad news, so I'm gonna hit you with the good stuff.
Checklist has upgraded your flight to Business Coach Plus.
A little more leg room, a little less width.
- Oh.
- Fuck you, Robert Downey Jr.
I'm not talking to you, you little shit lick! Robert Downey Jr.
is here? - Yeah.
- The Ironman? Oh, yeah.
He was Blossom's AA sponsor.
He's pretty torn up about the death.
His dogs aren't, though.
They had a falling out.
It's always about the fucking money.
Speaking of money, when you land in Minneapolis, you're gonna head straight to the annual Checklist Check Down.
And get ready to cream your jeans, because Mark McGrath is gonna be there.
- Oh, God.
- From Sugar Ray.
Cream away.
I'll wait.
Meant to tell you, I I can't do it.
I can't.
"Can't" or "cunt"? Here's what they want you to do.
You're gonna wheel out the chairman of Checklist before the awards for regional sales.
He mentally died 15 years ago, but they still parade his crippled, rotten corpse in front of the shareholders.
God, I fucking love corporate America.
[grunting.]
Okay.
So, fuck you.
You're doing it.
Plane.
Tomorrow.
You.
No.
I don't feel good.
I don't My dog just died! And I'm pretty sure that Checklist is evil.
- "Can't" or "cunt"? - Yes.
"Cunt.
" What are we talking about? Someone read me in.
Maria, I am so sorry.
The best thing for grieving is to do it with a group of strangers.
Who are you? I'm Karen Grisham, your life coach.
- We haven't met.
I'm from the future.
- Oh, no.
Karen Grisham, real estate.
Also Karen Grisham.
You'll be hearing from my lawyers.
[straining.]
You're fucked.
You're fucked.
- You're future-fucked.
- Hey.
- [all laughing.]
- Nice to meet ya.
[screaming.]
I don't feel good! [laser zapping.]
[guinea pig.]
Hello.
[clears throat.]
Hello! I am the Super Grisham.
Oh, Super Grisham I'm so sad.
I don't know what to do.
[Super Grisham.]
Do you want my advice? Well, seeing as you're the combination of my three Karen Grishams in guinea pig form, and you're also a hairy little golem that represents my manic false engine, why would I have any reason not to listen to you? You fear Minneapolis.
You need to face that fear.
I don't think so.
Do you fear letting people finish their thoughts? No.
No, I just You're doing it.
I had more.
- I'm sorry - God! I want to slap you with my tiny, tiny hands.
In fact, lean down.
[Maria whimpers.]
Maria, this is when you dig down deep.
Your needle is on empty, so I want you to go below the needle and come back all the way around to the other side to a full tank.
- Is that even possible? - Can I finish? Checklist is an evil corporation.
They're the reason Blossom's dead.
And they did lots of other bad things.
Checklist killed Blossom.
You want to take them down, don't you? More than anything.
Then scoop me up, put me in your pocket, pack me a necklace made of Cheerios, and let's get our asses out to Minneapolis-Saint Paul, the Twin Cities! From the cradle to the grave, baby! - [crowd cheering.]
- Come on! Whoo! What's up? I'm Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray and I just wanna fly! - [applauding.]
- Yeah! Come on! - You got it! - [cheering.]
Whoo! Mark McGrath is such a such a powerful performer.
He's bad, Maria.
You need to kill him.
Mark McGrath? But he's he's wonderful and kind.
That's how the devil works.
By convincing the world that he's nice.
Murder him now.
No one is being murdered.
All I need to do is to tell people all the evil things Checklist has done.
Then I can kill Mark McGrath, right? No! No one kills Mark McGrath! Can I slap him around a little bit? No! And, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I give you our favorite Checklist check lady [Super Grisham.]
Just put me in your satchel.
I'm going out there with you.
It's go time, baby cakes.
Our very own cradle to the grave - For justice.
- [breathing nervously.]
For Blossom.
Miss "Sounds Good, Feels Right" herself.
For Blossom! Okay.
[Mark.]
Maria Bamford and Checklist CEO Ray Banicheck! [cheering.]
Hey, everybody! [chuckles nervously.]
Sounds good, feels right! - [laughing.]
- [applauding.]
Maria, what do you think of the fine Checklist people? - [muttering.]
- All right.
[chuckles.]
- Teleprompter.
Read it! - Oh.
Yes.
Uh Hi, I'm Maria Bamford, and here's a big Checklist welcome to all of our Checklist associates all around the globe.
Hola.
Bonjour.
Murder.
Slavery.
[sing-song.]
The great prices.
- [feedback whines.]
- [breathing heavily.]
Perfect.
Keep going, baby! Checklist is a predatory company that oppresses foreign labor in order to give us artificially low prices.
We are all complicit in modern day slavery.
I am a part of it, too.
I'm the voice of Trabajito.
I oppressed Mexican workers.
I did! I was a part of an evil agenda.
Checklist must be stopped, and I am the person to stop it! Okay, get her out of there.
Uh, Maria.
- Okay.
- Let's go offstage for a little bit.
- Get a drink or something.
Oh! - [blabbering.]
One of those LaCroix that you love.
I'll get you one.
LaCroix yourself, you punk! Super Grisham was right! You are evil! [distorted.]
How did you know? Form of a Sugar Ray sugar beast! [laughing demonically.]
Form of an Ultra Maria! [whooshing.]
[dramatic sounds.]
[action music playing.]
[trilling.]
[roaring.]
- Kick! - Punch! Punch it again.
- Give him a taste of his own diabetes! - Yeah.
Get it.
Why are we scuttling? Why are we scuttling still? - Go.
- I'm just gonna hit the big one.
[sugar beast.]
I'm sweet! You want me.
You can't live without me! I'm everything you fear and desire! [Ultra Maria.]
I can live without you.
You are a false god! [grunting.]
[sugar beast.]
Sugar blast! All the buttons.
Press all the buttons.
- Press every single button.
- Yeah, I am.
[grunting.]
[Super Grisham.]
Uh-oh.
Hey.
Who's the new girl? Maria Bamford.
The comedian that went crazy at the Checklist Check Down.
Oh, yeah.
- I saw the video on YouTube.
- There's a video? Yup.
- Yes! - Thank you, Maria.
- Why? - Thank you.
Thank you.
- It's all right.
It's okay.
- Okay.
[grunting.]
You're not my God, sugar beast! [both grunting.]
- [yelling.]
- [woman screams.]
[audience exclaiming.]
- [screaming.]
- [woman.]
Medic! I don't think that old guy's gonna recover.
- You know what else won't recover? - Hmm? Mark McGrath's reputation as a guy who doesn't kill crippled old men.
[both laughing.]
[Maria.]
So that's how I ended up in Duluth.
It was a combination of fear and mental illness.
But I wasn't gonna let fear and mental illness stop me now.
I was going after my man! I'm in France! I'm in 1950s Brooklyn.
Oh! Ebbets Field! Who would've thunk I'm in Antarctica! Global warming! I'm a real-life newsie! Extra! Extra! I'm gonna fuck Scott! [panting.]
- [fuse blowing.]
- [glass shattering.]
[Scott.]
What the hell? [Maria giggling.]
- Maria? - Yeah.
[panting.]
Your power is out.
Do you need someone to help you turn it back on? Did you just cut my power? That's really goddamn dangerous.
This is a huge romantic gesture, like all those Nora Ephron movies.
Listen, I know that you're angry at me, and I made a huge mistake, Scott.
But now I'm back! And we're together again.
Un-broken up.
- Uh, so you're okay? - Yes.
Yeah, and then, automatically, I'm okay.
- Yes.
- Okay, Maria, you put me through hell this past week.
What about my feelings? They should be happy feelings.
Okay, well, you can't just turn it on and turn it off, and expect me to be all happy about it, you know.
That's not how relationships work.
You don't have to be so mad at me.
I am mad! [shouting.]
I'm mad, too, because you put your hand down my pants, and then you also were really needy at Thanksgiving, and then you only scraped off half the plate.
What is Is that like an animal? Okay.
I did not put my hands into your pants.
And okay, I was needy at Thanksgiving.
But being around your friends freaked me out.
Okay.
I didn't know that.
No.
You made conversation a little hard to have, with the knee-jerk breakup.
Okay.
Well, I guess we're over.
I guess this is how you have a fight, and then it's It ends and I I bid you adieu Sweet prince, adieu.
Maria You know you can have a fight with someone and not break up? - Really? - Mmm-hmm.
You can't do it every day, but, every once in a while, for sure.
Even on holidays? Especially on holidays.
Well, fuck you, then! [chuckling.]
Fuck you, too! [chuckling.]
So you're not You're not mad at me anymore? Nah I love you.
Oh, I feel sick! Blossom said to put my fear behind me and to live.
Maybe this is what she was talking about.
Nah.
I think this is what she was talking about.
[both chuckling.]
- That thing isn't real, right? - No.
It's a prosthetic.
[both giggling.]
Wow! - Blossom never kissed me like that.
- [both chuckle.]
- Look, I made you something.
- Oh! - Ready? - Yes.
[gasps.]
You painted my vision board.
And I added myself into it.
Is that your tax return? Yeah.
I don't have much.
- Oh, that's okay.
- Mmm.
Is that number what I think it is? The 410? That's my credit score.
That is the most intimate thing a man has ever shared with me.
- Yeah, it's pretty low.
- It is ridiculously low.
And I'm gonna help you get a handle on it.
With workbooks.
- I'd like that.
- [laughing.]
I can't believe you painted yourself into my vision board and drew me to you.
Yeah.
And then I drew a pizza.
And that made me hungry, so I ordered pizza.
- Oh.
- [Bert.]
Pizza's here? Hey, Bert.
[Maria.]
Oh! Bert, what are you doing here? [Bert.]
I was watching the game with Scott.
We've also gotten into craft brewing.
Oh! [Maria chuckling.]
Okay! Okay.
[Maria.]
Life.
What a kick in the pants.
Love had come for me after all.
So, what does the future hold? Who knows? Who cares? My hair is blowing and I'm riding a bicycle above the clouds, and that's enough.
Now I feel like I'm getting somewhere! [chuckling.]
[choir singing.]
I don't know what I'm doing More than half of the time [light jazz playing.]