Life with Boys (2011) s01e12 Episode Script

Listen, Tessie, do me a favor.
Let Collins take you down once.
His mom called, and he's not eating.
Oh, come on, Dad.
Please? Just do it.
Fine.
All right, I'll see you at home.
Okay.
But it's not preparing him for the harsh reality of the real world! Hey, Tim.
Hey, Matt.
Hey, freak.
I have a name, Kaylee.
Sorry.
Hey, boy-girl freak.
Oh, I get it, 'cause I'm a girl in a boys' sport.
Wow, that was clever.
You're like Einstein with braces and bad highlights.
Tess, stop, this is pointless.
Why? She doesn't even know who Einstein is.
Right.
I forgot, she's stupid.
But she makes the best bubble letters on our cheerleading posters.
Did you really just say that? Excuse me, I was just thinking of the greater good.
Ready? Go away! Go a-a-all the way! Just because I'm a girl who wrestles does not make me some kind of boy-girl freak! Nobody calls that girl place-kicker on the football team a freaky-freak-freak! Okay, first, nobody calls her that because she's six-foot one and has a tattoo on her neck that says "I heart death".
And second, that was my muffin.
Oh, um, sorry.
Um, here.
Oh gee, thanks.
Saves me the trouble of a little thing called "chewing".
What do you care what Kaylee thinks? She's just a schming.
A what? Oh, I'm trying not to swear anymore, so I'm making up my own bad words.
And trust me, Kaylee's a major schming-bag.
She is! I mean, I am a normal girl, right? Of course you are.
So what if nobody's asked you out since you joined the wrestling team? Oh, please.
I've been asked out since I joined the wrestling team.
Holy schming! Nobody's asked me out since I joined the wrestling team! Well, maybe Kaylee's right.
Maybe I am some kind of mutated macho misfit.
Only when you're psyching yourself up for a match, and you do that "Oh yeah!" thing.
Other than that, you're cute and pretty and Don't look now, but that yummy guy over there is totally checking you out.
He is? Nope.
Sorry, he's looking at me.
Wow, apparently Pineview Prep offers advanced courses in hunkanomics.
Of course he's looking at you.
Why would he be looking at me? Why would any guy be looking at me? Uh, excuse me.
What the schming do you want?! Um, uh Uh, what? You just came over here to get a closer look at the freak! Whoa, whoa! Didn't you? Go on, say it! Say it! Actually, I just wanted to know if you wanted to go out sometime.
Oh! Well, that's different.
Feels like I'm caught in the middle Drama comes with every new day So far to fall Walking the tightrope But I wouldn't have it any other way We're gonna put one foot in front of the other Get tripped up and step on one another We move ahead and try to keep it on track 'Cause we know we got each other's back Don't need to fight it No need to deny It's a crazy life, a random life A wonderful life I still can't believe I grabbed him by the shirt, and he asked me out anyway.
And I still can't believe I looked this good, and he didn't ask me out.
Allie, focus.
Hey, you cleaned up nice! I didn't mean that to sound so surprised.
But you do.
Okay, don't you see how important this is? If it goes well, I can finally prove to Kaylee that I can be a wrestler and still have a cute guy want to ask me out.
Tess, your date's here! Oh, yeah!! Maybe I should tone that down until after the dance.
Oh, yeah.
See how I did that without making every vein in my body pop out? Look at him, he's perfect.
So, the mushroom says, "Why not, I'm a fun-gi?" Ha! Ha! Ha! Well, almost perfect.
Hi.
Hey! Hey, Tess.
Hi.
Wow, you look great.
Really? You're not just saying that so I don't yell at you again? Ha! Ha! Ha! You're funny.
Thanks.
Did we get a seal?! It looks like Tess did.
Hey, Dad, why don't you tell him the one about the guy who goes to the doctor with a frog on his head? No! We gotta go! We have no time for jokes.
Or anything funny, at all.
Gabe! Tess, car's in the garage.
Well, pull it out.
We'll be, uh, waiting outside.
Heh, heh! I'm gonna get you for this.
The doctor says, "What's the matter?" The frog says, "Well, I've got this thing growing on my butt.
" Ha! Ha! Ha! I just wish I hadn't seen it.
I know I'm gonna have nightmares, I know it.
Spence, sometimes these things just happen.
We don't understand them, but that's no reason to be afraid.
But, look.
It's terrifying! Sammy, I was wondering if you would maybe dance with me at the dance next Friday? Erasers.
I don't need 'em, because I'm smart.
Is that a yes? You know, I thought the most horrible sound I would ever hear was when that moose decided to give birth behind our tent, until I was trapped in a car with Mister "Arf!" Hey, Dad, this is Kaylee, my girlfriend.
I mean, my friend who is a girl, with whom I will be sharing a dance with, at the dance, when people start dancing.
That's great.
What? I know.
It makes no sense.
I'm just so happy you said yes, I can't concentrate.
Could you maybe start my science project while I go home and think about how much fun we're going to have? Sure.
And now it makes sense.
Really, you don't mind? No Thank you! And once again, the balance of the universe is restored.
Good night, everybody.
Sammy, Kaylee's saving a dance for you, huh? Sure is.
And then she asked you to do her science project for her? Yep.
But you've never really had a date with a girl like that before, have you? No, I haven't.
So, you see where I'm going here, son? Yeah.
Hmm.
I'm gonna need a new pair of skinny jeans.
Good thinking, Dad.
Always there for ya, buddy.
Always there for ya.
You could have stopped with me, but oh, no, you had to take one more roll of those genetic dice.
Ooh, snake eyes! Oh no, Allie, it didn't get any better.
Hi honey.
We went to a comedy! Did you know that when he laughs really hard, he adds a hiccup and a snort? I know! Yeah, my night was great too.
Thanks for asking.
I tried loading his mouth with chocolate raisins, but they just became little bullets.
The entire row in front of us looked like they had been in a hamster pellet paintball tournament.
Ugh! Gotta go, you're here.
What am I gonna do? Well, first, say "thank you" for this.
I rearranged your closet by cuteness, colour and the tragic results of shopping without me.
This was the worst night of my life.
Worse than when you went out wearing this? Allie! Look, I'm sorry, but it was just one bad date.
It's not like you have to go out with him again.
I know, but it would've been so great to take him to that dance.
I could just see the look on Kaylee's face.
Tess Foster, you have broken me.
If only I could be you, for just one dance? Whaddaya say, Adam? Haaa! Haaa! I should've known.
You're both freaks.
And now back to the cold, harsh reality that is my life.
Where you own sweaters like this? I have bigger problems than that sweater.
Honey, no, you don't.
Hey, Ethan.
Hey, Will.
Hey, boy-girl freak.
Remember the drill.
Ready, okay.
One, two, three, four! Puppies, rainbows, unicorns and breathe.
Nope.
Still think she's the devil with an overbite.
Foghorn at one o'clock.
What the heck is happy honker doing here? Hey, Tess.
Hi! What're you doing here? I went by your house and your brother Gabe said you were at practice.
How nice of him.
Well, hello there.
Who's your friend, Tess? This is my friend Adam, who I went out with Saturday night.
On a date.
Yeah, and we saw the new Will Ferrell movie.
It's hilarious.
There's this one funny part where Oh, um, we don't want to ruin it for anyone.
And we have things to discuss.
Very serious things, things that involve no laughing whatsoever.
So we gotta go, goodbye.
So, Adam, are we gonna see you at the dance on Friday? Uh Well, I actually came to see what you were doing Friday.
I'd be up for the dance.
Really? I mean, it's not your school, you don't know anybody.
We could go someplace else, like the library.
Where we could quietly study together.
In complete silence! I don't know, I think a dance sounds like more fun.
Great! We'll see you there.
I can't believe it, but I'm actually a little jealous of you.
Really? I said "a little bit".
Don't get carried away.
So, Tess, I'll come by your house around six? That's great.
I will see you then.
See ya.
Goodbye.
Bye.
I am so schminged.
No, you can't just break up with him before the dance.
Why not? Look, Kaylee's already seen him and admitted she was jealous.
You heard her.
Yeah, but you really think she's gonna believe that you dumped him? Probably the best-looking guy a weirdo dude-girl like you could ever get! That was Kaylee talking, not me.
Ow! What was that for? That was Kaylee pinching, not me.
Well, if I can't break up with him, I'll be sick.
And what happens if she comes over here to check on you? You really think your brothers will cover for you? Of course they will.
They do have some class.
You dried your underwear in the microwave? Hey, dryer, half-hour.
Popcorn setting, two minutes.
Duh.
Ooh, still hot! Ugh! Great, now my mac and cheese is going to smell like his butt.
Eh, I'm too hungry to care.
Well, that's it.
I can't fake being sick, and I can't break up with him.
Yeah.
Too bad you can't just make him not laugh for one night, shut Kaylee up, then dump him.
Haaa! Haaa! Haaa! Haaa! Haaa! Haaa! Remember, when I say "I'll be fine", that's your cue.
Yeah, yeah, I got this.
Hey, Adam, thanks for meeting me.
Tess, what happened? I pulled a stupid muscle at practice.
Are you okay? Oh Ow, ow, ow! Yeah.
Listen, maybe you should stay home and not go to the dance.
She already thought about that.
She has to go with you.
Because it would be too romantic to miss.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I'll be fine.
Like I said, I'll be fine.
Just fine! Oh.
I heard a joke! Oh, no, Allie, please don't tell it.
It hurts so much more when I laugh.
Oh, no! What? It's just that your laugh is so infectious.
Every time I hear it, it'll make me laugh, too.
Ow, ow, ow.
So, it would be very helpful to me if you didn't l L lean on you? Laugh! Laugh! She doesn't want you to laugh! Oh.
Sure, I can do that.
Wow, if he wasn't pretty, he'd have nothin'.
Whoa, Sammy, finally something in the house taller than the big guy.
And skinnier, too.
Think I hate it.
Oh, shake it off, Jack.
So, what've we got here? It's a multi-stage, reusable spacecraft powered by a mixture of vinegar, ethanol, and used kitty litter.
The flushable kind.
Hello, Nobel Prize committee? Yeah, he's right here.
It's for you.
Oh, this isn't my project.
It's the one I'm doing for Kaylee.
Mine's a potato-powered light bulb.
Still working on it.
Yeah, I have to call you back.
Look, uh, Sam, someone needs to tell you this.
Tell me what? It's about you and Kaylee, and the rocket.
Yeah? She's gonna love it.
And the guy who made it, too.
Yeah.
All right, absolutely, Sammy.
All right.
Thank you so much, Sammy! I'm gonna get an A-plus, for sure.
You're the best! Swallowed my gum! Swallowed my gum.
Hey, Sammy.
Hey, what's the fake blonde doing in my house? I'm helping my girlfriend I mean, my friend who is a girl, who I'm going to the dance with finish her science project.
Yeah, and I'm going to get the best grade in class because it goes way up in the sky, and all that other good-grade stuff.
Tell her, Sammy.
The green button makes it light up.
Really? That would be the green button.
It's not red.
Oh, sorry, Sammy.
I'm gonna need another one of those by Friday, 'kay? 'Kay.
You rock! She said I rock! That skylight was cracked, anyway.
No, it wasn't.
Well, when Dad asks, that's the story I'm going with! What, that it was cracked so you shot a rocket through it?! What rocket? I don't see a rocket.
That's not my rocket.
Sam, what are you doing? She's using you.
Don't you see that? Why? You think a guy like me can't get a girl like her without doing her homework? Oh, no, Sammy, I'm not saying that.
Okay, I am saying that, but you said it first.
Fine.
So maybe it's true.
Maybe she is using me.
Maybe? All right, she is using me! But I'm using her, too.
Excuse me? Well, she's gonna dance with me, and everybody's gonna see that, and that gives me street cred.
Sam, that's just really brilliant.
I mean, you using her, that's different.
See, I thought she was just working you 'cause you're a nice guy, and I hate that.
Somebody using somebody Too bad you can't just make him not laugh for one night, shut Kaylee up, then dump him.
for their own selfish reasons.
What's the matter? I gotta go tell someone the truth, and it schmings.
I'm not going to the dance with Adam.
I broke up with him.
And I know you probably think that's bogus and that he broke up with me, and you're just gonna text that to the whole school like the virus you are.
So, you may begin texting now.
Great, thanks.
But you didn't even type anything.
Like I didn't already have it written, knowing he would dump you.
Oh, Tess, since Adam's recovered his sense of taste, would it make you feel really, really horrible if I asked him to go to the dance? Uh Because I'm going to, and that would make it even sweeter.
Well, I thought you were going with Sam.
Hey, your brother built one rocket, he gets one dance.
You and Adam at the dance, huh? And then the frog says, "I've got this thing growing on my butt.
" Haaa! Haaa! Haaa! Haaa! I'll send you his number, he's all yours.
Haaa! Hmm, it really does work.