Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s01e12 Episode Script

1
- [UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Okay.
What do you think of the dog
bed I made you, Churro?
Try to contain your enthusiasm.
Mayan, don't move.
- What are you doing?
- Face ID.
Wait, is that my phone?
I need to leave a review
about the gas station potatoes,
and my phone is banned from Yelp.
Hey, buddy. Oh, how was your playdate?
Oh! So much fun!
Until Aiden's mom scolded me
for splashing too much in the pool.
Yeah, grown-ups suck.
[WHISPERED] Can you take me next time?
Daddy has no chill.
What's that, Gordo?
Oh, it's for Farm Camp.
I'm not sure what it is,
but Aiden's going,
so I'm gonna need you
to make this happen for me.
Farm Camp? You're gonna spend
a bunch of money
so Chance can do migrant labor?
No George,
it's a program where kids learn
how to harvest vegetables,
bale hay, and milk real cows.
This is my Vegas.
Oof, this is expensive.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I don't think we can afford it.
It's fine, Mommy.
I guess I'll just live
my best life in my next life.
Don't worry, Gordo.
You're not missing much.
When I was your age,
my grandfather sent me to pick tomatoes.
And when I got back,
I was the only seven-year-old
in my class with wrinkles.
You've looked like that
since you were seven?
Forget Farm Camp.
We need to send this kid
to a military camp.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
I wish I could send Chance to Farm Camp,
but it's so expensive.
If he wants to milk something,
there's a hamster in the back
with engorged nipples.
The party's here.
Oh, the party never stops
at NeLa Animal Hospital.
In fact, this afternoon,
I gotta circumcise a cat. L'chaim!
Ooh, that dog bed is so cute.
Oh, thanks, Jana.
I sewed it myself out of a serape.
The stripey poncho
Clint Eastwood wears in cowboy movies.
[GASPS] Ooh, Clint Eastwood.
That man just gets sexier with age.
I wish he'd make my day.
How much?
Oh, that's flattering,
but it's not for sale.
[LAUGHS] Baby girl,
everything's for sale.
That's true.
This place used to be an orphanage
before I bought it, kicked 'em out,
and made it an animal hospital.
I don't want just this bed.
I want all the beds that you can make
so I can sell them at
my boutique, Everly & Sunshine,
named after my two favorite stepmoms.
The other six were bitches.
Oh, no, I couldn't wow.
Okay, for this much,
you can have my bed
- with me in it.
- And me.
You got yourself a deal.
Oh, and I just thought
of a name for them
- Siesta Fiesta.
- Ah, yes.
I did that once in Puerto Rico
with a man named Esteban.
Anyway, business besties!
♪
I heard you were cooking dinner.
Yeah. I think you'll be quite impressed.
Ba-bap-bap-bap, bap, bap, bap, bap!
We do not cook with that in this house.
With what, flavor?
No, it's not that.
You can't use anything
from La Jolla Foods anymore.
What do you mean?
I use their products
in all of my recipes
and my skincare routine.
Yes, well, the CEO of La Jolla made
some very anti-Latinx statements.
[GASPS]
How can someone insult
18 different ethnicities
with one sentence?
Oh, I can't support a company
with such hateful views
against Cubans and Dominicans!
And the other 16 groups.
Yeah, sure, whatever.
Oy, this is terrible.
Without their seasonings,
how am I supposed
to tolerate your cooking?
How is it that your food tastes blonde?
- Do you mean bland?
- I do not.
♪
Why is Churro on a old T-shirt?
Did she have puppies?
I thought she was too old.
Good for you, vieja cochina.
You know how I always have
all these side hustles?
I came up with a cool DIY idea.
Mayan, it's pronounced DUI,
and it's not cool.
No, I'm entering a business
partnership with that rich lady
from the vet
I'm always telling you about.
The lady that tried
to give her Chihuahua lipo?
Yes, and I've been up all night
making my Siesta Fiestas
to sell at her fancy boutique.
- She already bought Churro's.
- Hm.
No camp for me, no bed for Churro.
It's a bad day to be a Lopez!
Oh, not true, buddy,
'cause Mama Lopez
is making big money now.
Churro's getting a water bed!
And you're going to Farm Camp!
Yes, Mommy! You're back
in my top five family members.
- I'm gonna assume that I'm number one.
- [CELL PHONE DINGS]
Ooh, the product's up
on the store's website.
Wait. "Everly & Sunshine presents
Clint Eastwood's Pooch Pillows"?
"Perfect for your pet,
whether they're Dirty or Harry."
Congratulations.
No, this is bad.
Jana gave Siesta Fiesta
a whitewashed name
and then took all the credit.
Well, actually it sounds like
Clint Eastwood took all the credit.
And rightfully so, Mayan.
Like me, that man gets sexier with age.
♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I need to back out of this deal.
It's cultural appropriation.
Wait, is that when you use
someone else's picture
on a dating app?
Because come on, Jimmy Smits
and I are practically twins.
No, it's when someone
like Jana takes credit
for dog beds made
by a Mexican American woman
with serapes from Mexico.
Who cares if it make you money?
You think Papa John is Italian?
- What is he?
- Rich!
Forget about your culture,
and appropriate her money
[AS OPRAH] Right into your bank account!
♪
I was just a little surprised
to see that you took my name
off my beds.
I get it. You want to be
associated with me,
a cultural tastemaker and fashion icon.
According to Vogue.
The magazine?
No. Vogue Malinkovich,
the lady who tattoos my eyebrows.
I'm sorry, but this is the way
I run my business.
I put my label on everything
that comes in the store.
But I'm the one who's making the beds.
Well, when you buy a pair of sneakers,
they say "Adidas,"
not the name of the kid who sewed them.
Okay, apart from the issue
of child labor,
which I hope we can both agree is bad,
you're exploiting
Mexican culture for profit.
And you're charging $300?
I mean, I couldn't afford one.
The people whose culture
you're capitalizing on
can't even purchase these beds.
You don't think
there are any Latinx people
who can afford $300?
Wow, Mayan. [MOUTHS WORDS]
♪
Thank you for doing this
with me, Quinten.
I couldn't bear to throw away
all my La Jolla products alone.
Would you like to say a few words?
[DRAMATICALLY] La Jolla
you have made me a better cook,
a better mother,
- and a better lover.
- How?
Mind your business. [CLEARS THROAT]
Goodbye, old friends.
Ay!
Oh.
I am very proud of you
for taking this step.
I know. I'm so strong.
La Jolla adobo seasoning?
I'm weak!
I can't live without
this delicious hate salt!
Okay, I knew that this would
be hard for you,
which is why I went to the mercado,
and I bought us some spices
so we can make our very own
love salt.
Mutual respect salt. Salt.
It's a complex flavor profile.
No one knows what the ingredients are.
Oh.
Trust me, we are gonna
figure this out together.
La Reina, meet La Rachel Ray.
♪
So I told Jana that
our Siesta Fiesta deal is off.
She can take her Everly
and stick it where the sun don't shine.
You better be careful,
or that wordplay is gonna
turn into foreplay.
[CHUCKLES]
Ooh, now I'm turning myself on.
Turn off sexy Quinten
and turn on supportive Quinten.
I am sorry.
I know you were excited
about this opportunity.
I just feel bad that we can't
send Chance to Farm Camp.
He was so excited to go,
and now I feel like I've let him down.
No, no, not at all.
Hey, you are teaching him
how to stand up for what you believe in.
And besides, he's a kid.
He's probably already over it.
I will never get over it!
I was so ready to make
Farm Camp my whole personality.
It'll be okay.
Hey, if you want to shovel
poop, I've got good news.
Churro found my gas station potatoes.
That's not the same.
Mm. You really wanted to go
to that camp, didn't you?
Yeah. And now my squash dreams
have been squashed.
Good night, sir.
♪
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Hi!
Jana, what are you doing here?
I owe you an apology.
I've come to my senses.
And I now see your point
about appropriation.
Oh. Okay.
- So you're here to make things right?
- Yes.
I've decided to launch
a new line of dog beds.
And this time, no one can
accuse me of appropriation
because I'm giving full credit
to the person who best
represents the culture.
Aw, that means a lot to me, Jana.
Ew. Not you.
Hey, business bestie!
♪
Uh, Mayan, uh, Jana and I
have business to attend to,
so if you would kindly leave my office.
This is not your office.
This is my house,
which you live in rent-free
because you don't have your own.
I'm gonna just leave
the contract right here.
Gracias.
[SIGHS] I don't understand.
Why would she partner with you?
Mayan, I don't know
if you're aware of this,
but you're only 50% Mexican
and we need 100% Mexican
to make 200% profit.
That's business
[EXAGGERATED LATINO ACCENT] 101.
How could you do this?
I could say the same thing to you,
throwing away good money
because of your principles.
Ta loca. I thought
I raised you better than that.
Mom raised me, and she taught me
that respecting our culture is
more important that fast cash.
What's the problem?
Jana said she would share credit
and look after our culture,
and now Chance can go to Farm Camp
and undo all the work
that Cesar Chavez fought for!
But you went behind my back.
Mayan, Jana's gonna make
those beds with or without us.
This was, at least
we make some money from it.
It just feels wrong,
and do you even know how to sew?
I don't have to know how to sew.
Handmade by real Mexicans.
Well, technically, I'm adopted,
so I don't really know.
No one cares!
You've been two beds behind all day.
Get back to work.
- Can I use the restroom?
- Again?
You went yesterday.
Listen, if I let you go,
then they're all gonna want to go.
This isn't right.
You're right. They're going too slow.
Come on, vámonos. Faster!
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Okay, this is mixture 34.
And keep in mind,
I lost all sense of taste
because mixture 21
burned a layer off my tongue.
Mmm. This one is close.
It just needs a dash of cayenne.
Ooh.
- This makes my fingers tingle.
- [LAUGHS]
[GASPS] Ohh, that's it.
- That's the one!
- Yeah.
That's the one. Milk me. [PANTING]
Ah! We did it. Azúcar!
[CELIA CRUZ'S "LA VIDA ES
UN CARNAVAL" PLAYS ON PHONE]
Oh, you just got that queued up?
Ah! All Cubans do. [LAUGHS]
♪
Uh, uh, uh, uh, ah, ah.
♪
Aw!
This was really fun, Quinten.
[SIGHS] Well, I guess we're done here.
Yeah. Guess so.
I guess I'll go back to my kitchen
and cook flavorful meals for one.
Well, actually two. I forgot God.
And I will go back to making
"blonde" meals for four.
Actually, five.
George has a second dinner at 3:00 a.m.
Well, just like La Jolla,
all good things must come to an end.
[SNIFFLES] Ah!
I think I'm having a delayed
reaction to the onions.
[STRAINED] I thought I was the only one.
♪
[FACTORY WHISTLE BLOWS]
That's five minutes.
Your lunch break is over.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hola, mama-citos.
I just came by to drop off
this bed for Churro
and to give you your first check.
I think you'll be very happy
with the number.
Ooh. You need to make this
out to my business name
Cash. [CHUCKLES]
Damn, we're rich!
Well, I don't usually do small talk
with my employees, so
My bank is gonna accuse me
of check fraud,
but this time, they're gonna be wrong.
Hey, Grandpa, are we poor?
No, Gordo. Why would you ask that?
Aiden's mom bought a dog bed,
and that's what the tag says.
Now everyone at school
is talking about it.
"With every purchase, you
help an unhoused Mexican man
"and his family break
the cycle of poverty.
When your dog sleeps well, so do they."
Whoa, I feel bad
for that unhoused Mexican man.
Does it say if we can donate
to help him?
She's talking about me, fool!
She even used my picture.
I was doing my laundry.
I don't usually wear a trash bag.
The school is even organizing
a food drive for our family.
What? Are you serious?
Yeah. Aiden felt so bad,
he gave me a sandwich at lunch.
At least you got a sandwich.
♪
I got your text. What's the emergency?
The company that makes
the condensed milk
you use for flan committed tax fraud,
so we are going to have to test out
all of these.
Oh. Yes.
That's terrible!
And I heard that the olives
that I use for my ropa vieja
are unethically sourced
and the head of marketing
is a murderer.
Oh, we have a lot of work
ahead of us, Rosie.
We are gonna have to figure out
how to remake everything.
I bet that bitch Betty Crocker
has some skeletons in her closet.
Hello, Father.
How's business with Jana?
Are you expanding
into blood diamonds next?
I gave Jana her money back, Mayan.
- You did?
- Yep. You were right about her.
She exploited me.
And not in the hot way.
Yeah, I saw the tag.
She made you seem broke and
homeless just to make a buck.
It was total trauma porn.
I finally found a porn I don't like.
I mean, we worked too hard
to get to where we are as a family,
and I don't want anybody
thinking that Chance
or anybody in this family
is a charity case.
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, Mayan.
And for stealing my idea
and going behind my back?
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
I mean, I just didn't
want Chance to miss out
on going to camp like I did
because of money.
I asked my grandma
if I could go to Space Camp.
She took the bed out
of my room and she goes,
"There. Now you got
all the space you need."
I know your intentions were good,
and I'm proud of you
for doing the right thing.
How did Momo take it
when you had to lay him off?
Oh, great. I haven't told him.
He's still in the truck?
Mayan, I've been dealing with a lot!
I'll tell him tomorrow!
- [GEORGE SIGHS]
- Our charity food's here.
I thought I would be embarrassed,
but cookies!
Nope. Those are La Jolla.
We are way too poor to be this picky.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
We're on strike.
You treat your workers unfairly,
and we're not gonna take it anymore.
No se puede.
You're absolutely right.
That's why I'm dissolving
this unethical company.
Congratulations, babosos.
You win. Viva la raza!
♪
- [ROOSTER CROWS]
- Okay, Gordo,
since you couldn't go to real Farm Camp,
I give you La Vaca Flaca!
Honestly, I'm fine
with the store-bought milk.
Well, I'm not.
So put your hands on those chichis,
and let's get to squeezing.
[SPRAYING SOUNDS]
What the heck, man?
I thought you wanted
the full experience.
[COUNTRY ACCENT]
Come on and hurry up now.
I caught a possum we need
to delouse by sunup!
Come on, partner, let's do-si-do then!
Come on, now. Come on and dance.
[IMITATING COUNTRY MUSIC]
Swing your grandpa 'round and 'round ♪
Come on, let's do it without a frown ♪
♪