Lucky Louie s01e12 Episode Script

This is great.
Thanks for finally inviting me to one of your boring family barbecues.
Hey, this is what we do, okay? It's relaxing.
We're having a good time.
No, you're not.
Let me lighten things up a little bit.
Hey, everybody, you wanna hear a funny joke? Hey, wait, Rich, don't tell a joke.
There's kids here.
Don't worry, it's completely clean.
It's a kids' joke.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? I don't know.
Why? 'Cause he heard the referee was blowing fouls.
- Oh God.
- I don't get it.
Foul is a double entendre, asshole.
It means the ref was sucking the chicken's dick.
Jesus! - Shut up, Rich.
- All right, fine.
Back to boring.
I do a pretty good Bill Cosby impression.
Really? Oh let's hear it.
- Yeah, let's hear it.
- No no, you don't wanna hear it.
Oh, come on, Walter, you have to do it now.
- Okay.
- All right, yeah.
Cosby, oh yeah.
Walter, no.
Well, they wanna hear it.
Walter, don't do this.
You sound nothing like the man.
It's a party.
It's a fun thing to do at a party.
- Yeah, why don't you let him do it? - Excuse me.
Walter, every time you do that impression you humiliate yourself, you humiliate me and people just feel embarrassed for you.
That's not true.
It is true.
God, that was awful.
"Lucky Louie" was taped before a live audience.
Wake up, you lazy piece of shit! What are you doing? Get up, Louie! I have to be at work in half an hour.
I'll get up in 29 minutes then.
What's your problem? Jesus.
I have been taking care of Lucy and getting ready for work all morning.
Get up! Now! I'm not kidding! Fucking tell me what to do.
I'll kill you.
Give me a kiss, baby.
Love you.
Hey, how about trying to squeeze in a shower today, okay, pal? Because you smell.
Why is Mommy so mad today? What did you do? Papa, look what I found.
Can I keep it? I don't think so, Lucy, that's a cigarette butt.
Come on.
Let her keep it.
Go wash your hands in the water fountain, okay? Do you think that fountain is any cleaner? The same homeless shemale that smoked that cigarette probably washed her balls in that fountain.
Man, this day blows.
Kim was really bitching it up this morning.
What did you do? Nothing I don't think.
- Must be PMS.
- No, I know what that's like.
That's coming next week.
I'm looking forward to it after this shit.
Is she behaving erratically? - Yeah.
- Did it come on suddenly? - Yeah.
- Faggots have it easy, don't they? Well, whatever it is I'm sure she's over it by now.
Hello.
What are you doing? What? Why the hell are you still here? Lucy's playing and I'm watching her.
What's your problem? Because, Louie, you should have been home an hour ago.
You were supposed to start dinner.
Her bath's gonna be late, she's gonna be up all night.
I won't sleep.
I have a double tomorrow and I'll be dead on my feet.
Hey! I'm having some quality time with my daughter, all right? So shut up.
Oh, that's great.
You're gonna act all tough in front of your friends? You think I give a shit what your friends think? Well, gotta get home.
See you, Kimmy.
Irritating bitch.
Excuse me? What was that? Hey, blow me, okay? - What? - I said blow me.
Okay, fine.
Take it out and I'll blow you.
What? If you take it out and it's hard, I swear to God I will suck it.
Yeah.
Don't tempt me, babe.
Come on, let's go.
Whip it out, Rich.
I thought so.
What the hell just happened, Lou? I told you she'd be up all night.
I didn't sleep, now I'm screwed for the day.
Hey, I was up too.
God! You're such a selfish asshole sometimes.
Such a douche.
Such a just dickhead.
- I get it.
- No, you don't! Hey! What is your problem these days? You have the gall to ask me that when you suck ass as a partner.
Well, that hasn't changed.
You changed.
I'm sucking exactly the same amount of ass I always sucked.
But it didn't use to bother you.
Now you are freaking out left and right.
What happened? Something happened.
You're right.
I don't know what happened.
Nothing happened.
I mean, usually I can deal.
But just all of a sudden I just hate you I think.
- What? - Yeah.
I hate you.
Sorry.
It's just what I'm feeling.
What do you mean you hate me? Just hate.
I hate you.
Sorry.
I don't get it.
I don't know.
I think there's just like this place where I put all your shit, and I think it just got full.
Well, does it have like a bag you can change out? I don't think so.
What are you saying? It's over? You wanna leave me? No no.
I still love you.
I do.
It's just that I fucking hate you a lot.
I'm sorry.
Okay, so what do we do about it? I don't know.
I don't want to hate you.
All right.
That's good to know.
Well, how about this: What about me do you hate? Try to think of some things.
- What for? - 'Cause I'll stop doing them.
I'll change.
Just think of some shit, some things you hate about me.
There's a lot of things.
Okay, that's good.
Look just just tell me everything about me that sucks.
Okay.
Well, I hate that you wake up whenever you feel like it.
You can't do that in a family, it's not fair.
Okay.
And you always wait for me to tell you what needs to be done, which makes me feel like a total nag.
- Needs to be done - And you act like just doing your part around the house is a huge favor to me and a giant pain in your ass! Okay.
And you have no regard for the way you look around the house.
It's like what you wear to bed and during the day, there's no differential there.
- Also, you don't even listen to me - I got enough.
- But I'm not finished.
- How much more Never mind.
Just let me work on these, and you can give me more later.
Okay.
That's good.
Thanks.
Oh, and nose hair.
Clip it.
I'm going to the dry cleaner's tomorrow, you have anything you want to drop off? I do an excellent Bill Cosby.
Oh, Walter.
Come on.
People have told me that it's good and they enjoyed it.
Those people are being polite.
I'm your wife, and I'm telling you that when you do it you look ridiculous.
Frankly, I'm doing you a favor.
Well, don't do me any favors.
I'm a man.
If I wanna do a Bill Cosby impersonation, I'm gonna do it.
We're in a new place.
You're not gonna do it here.
I'll do it if I want to.
I'm gonna do it.
If you do it, you'd better do an impression of Bill Cosby checking into a hotel.
Hey, good morning.
Have a seat.
I made you some breakfast.
Oh.
Thank you.
No problem.
Thanks for the frozen waffles, Papa.
Can I go get dressed? Sure you can.
I already picked out your outfit.
It's on your bed.
Here's a cup of tea also.
Thank you.
That's okay.
I really enjoyed it very much.
Also I packed your lunch and I put an apple in there.
I know that you like apples.
Yeah.
This is awful, please stop.
Well, what the fuck? I fixed everything on the list.
I know, but Well, do you still hate me? What is it? Yeah.
But it's not the things you do.
Well, if it's not what I do then, what do you hate? What is it? I think it's just your whole person.
Just who you are.
Your face.
Your voice.
Your smell and just your whole essence of being, really.
You're kinda hurting my feelings right now.
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's okay.
But we got to find a way to get back to before - you were disgusted by me.
- I know.
I don't like feeling this way.
You know what? I think maybe I need to spend some time away from you.
Okay.
No, okay.
You know what we should do? Why don't I just spend the weekend at Mike's or Rich's house? Oh yeah.
You'd love that.
You get to hang out with your friends, and I get to stay here to take care of all this shit by myself? Hey.
You guys got any more olives? Yeah, they're in the fridge, Jerry.
Thanks.
I just need three.
Maybe you should go somewhere for a couple of days.
Get a break from me.
Where am I gonna go? I don't know.
Stay in a hotel or something.
We can't afford a hotel.
You need a place to stay? Well, yeah, but just for the weekend.
Oh, stay at my apartment downstairs.
You can have the whole place to yourself.
Where will you stay? Oh yeah.
Wait wait.
Can I stay here? - You wanna stay here? - Yeah, Kim is staying at my place, and I got nowhere to go.
Okay so, what are we gonna tell Lucy? Well, we'll just tell her that you're visiting somebody far away.
That way she won't know you're right downstairs.
Okay.
That's good.
So it's okay? - I can stay here? - Yeah, sure.
Wow.
Thanks, man.
You're really getting me out of a jam.
Oh shit.
I dated this guy once who cried like a baby every time we had sex.
That's kinda nice though.
No.
It wasn't like nice, soft crying.
It was like, he would wail like a baby, really loud while he was fucking me like, "Oh Kim! Kim!" Oh Christ, that's horrible.
Oh God.
This is so great.
I'm never going back to my shitty little family.
What are we eating, Papa? I'm making wiggly pasta with tomato sauce.
What are you drawing? Something green.
That's great.
Look.
I drew a pony.
That doesn't look like a pony.
It doesn't? Here, it needs a tail.
Oh yeah.
Thanks.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Here you go.
Okay.
- Thanks.
Hey, how is it going in there? Oh, really good actually.
Lucy's having a great time and I'm gonna watch "Rocky V" tonight while she's sleeping.
- Good, you should.
- Yeah.
How is it going down there? Good.
Really good, actually.
I just love my time to relax.
- I read a whole book yesterday.
- Good good.
Yeah, and I was actually thinking that tomorrow's Monday and I'm off, so maybe I could take one more day.
Just one day and one night more.
Oh, you should, totally.
Oh, then I can watch "Conquest of the Planet of the Apes" on TBS.
- Yeah.
Okay great.
- Yeah.
- All right, I'll see you later then.
- Okay.
Oh, here's your mail.
Oh, thanks.
Whoa.
This is kind of moving in a dangerous direction.
Yeah, I'm enjoying this shit a little too much.
I'm as happy as I've ever been.
Uh-oh.
Yeah, I bought a new lamp for Jerry's apartment.
I spent the whole day cleaning it and now I'm moving my stuff down there.
Wow.
If this keeps up we're gonna be neighbors.
Fuck.
- What do we do? - We gotta work this out.
Look we gotta have a whole serious sit-down talky thing.
Now, like tonight.
I'll get a babysitter.
Okay, I'll meet you downstairs at 7:00.
Good.
Walter.
Walter, are you in the bedroom? Yeah.
Can you bring in my moisturizer? Okay, honey.
So this is good that we're doing this.
Definitely.
Definitely.
Are you guys ready to order? Oh yeah.
Just one second.
I'm gonna have the bacon double cheeseburger and Don't get that.
Order something healthy.
It's a restaurant.
So that means you have to jam grease in your arteries? If it tastes good, yeah.
Louie, your heart's gonna explode.
Get the fucking organic mixed baby greens.
You know, why don't you just order for me? And why don't you eat it too? And then just shit in my mouth.
We're gonna need a minute.
Maybe this was a bad idea.
Jesus Christ.
You and your fucking hate.
You're not the only one who hates.
What? You hate me? Yeah, sometimes.
You're surprised? I don't know, just hearing you say it.
God.
What do you do when you hate me? I just keep it in and I let it crush my heart down to a diamond.
So we hate each other and we're married.
How did that happen? I remember it used to be so nice.
You know, when we started dating.
Yeah, that was nice.
Not our first date though.
Oh God, no.
That was awful.
Nightmare.
You showed up wearing those stupid clothes and you took me to that shitty cafe.
You smelled.
And you never listened to me when I talked to you.
You ignored me the whole time.
And I remember watching you leave through my window and thinking, "Jesus, I hate that guy.
" Oh my God.
I've hated you from the beginning.
I felt the same thing.
- You did? - Yeah.
I remember I came to pick you up and you gave me a dirty look.
And then we went to that restaurant, you acted snooty about it.
And then you told these long, fucking stories that who would listen to that shit? And I remember walking down your steps and thinking, "God, I hate the shit out of that bitch.
" So we always hated each other.
Yeah.
- Isn't that bad? - No, it's great.
'Cause all married couples hate each other.
The ones that don't make it are the ones that can't handle it.
But we know we can handle it, 'cause it's been there since the beginning.
But we still chose to be together.
Yeah, we did.
This marriage was built on hate.
That's why it's gonna last forever.
Listen.
Tonight, when we get home, I'm gonna fuck your tits off.
So you see, Pudding Pops are so delicious because it puts a smile on your face.
And you just say, "Oh boy.
" And your stomach says, "Thank you very much for the Pudding Pop," and you say, "You're welcome, stomach.
" And then your stomach says, "I think I want another Pudding Pop with all the chocolate and the vanilla and the flavor.
" You know what, bitch? You can kiss my ass.