Mad About You s01e12 Episode Script

Eight.
Yes! Pennsylvania Avenue with a hotel.
Do you mind if I count myself, please? I own it all.
There's no escape.
Are you familiar with the phrase, "It's just a game"? That'll be 1,400 bucks.
I have nine dollars.
So I'm gonna owe it to you.
- Mortgage something.
- I can't.
Everything's mortgaged.
Not Baltic.
Baltic? Oh, you are so cruel.
You know that? These poor people, they live in a slum.
You want me to throw them out in the street.
I can't do that.
- I'm not that kind of person.
- You are now.
Murry, lend me 5,000 bucks.
Oh, come on! I give you things.
Nobody is gonna give you money.
You're a bad risk.
You're mortgaged to the hilt.
You're overextended.
All right, all right.
I'll tell you what.
Fork over all of your cash and your "Get Out ofJail Free" card - we'll call it even.
- Well, I can't do that.
- Why not? - You want me to wind up in prison? - It could be years.
- I'll wait for you.
Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who can start my heart as much as you Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time I don't have the answers I don't have a plan I'm mad about you, baby so help me understand What we do You can whisper in my ear Where we go Who knows what happens after here Let's take each other's hand as wejump into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby Yeah I'm mad about you Hey, Murry, you're not getting any more croutons.
Just forget it.
You've had enough.
Don't give me the look, 'cause it's not gonna work.
That look doesn't work.
Okay, it worked.
Hey, I remember you from this morning.
I missed you today.
You know what? Ten hours apart, it's too much.
It wasn't 10 hours.
It was 10 hours and 24 minutes.
- Come here.
You hungry.
- I'm starving.
Ooh, this looks great.
A little linguine.
Chicken.
Broccoli and certain spices.
- Wow.
Where'd you order it from? - I didn't order it.
I made it.
- It's really good.
- A little wine.
Good, we can celebrate.
I had a great day.
Hey, I had a great day too.
I finally figured out which one are the Young and which ones are the Restless.
Get this.
The city of New York has hired my firm to do this "I Love New York" campaign.
Oh, hate to burst your bubble.
You know that's already been done? I know.
This is gonna be "I Still Love New York.
" - They put me in charge.
- Good for you! You haven't heard the best part.
I get to hire any director I want.
I want you.
That's very sweet of you to think about me but I don't do commercials, I do documentaries.
Exactly.
That's why we need you.
They want the feel of a documentary.
They don't want the Statue of Liberty and all those clichés.
They want the other New York.
The real New York.
They're gonna let you show the real New York garbage and traffic? Not that real.
Let's let the tourists be surprised.
- So? - So what? - So don't you think it could be great? - I don't know.
You know, a lot of big directors have done classy commercials.
Alan Parker.
Ridley Scott.
- Jack Parillo.
- Who's Jack Parillo? Jack Parillo, a guy I know once directed a Carvel spot and then never worked again.
- What the hell am I looking for? - Cheese.
Why don't you wanna give this a shot? This could be great for your career.
- What about my marriage? - It'll be great.
Just think.
We'll get up together.
We'll go to work together.
We'll come home together.
You know how much we like together.
Yeah, that's 'cause we don't have it too much, you know.
I'm just worried if we're together too much - What? It'll be fun.
- Anyway, I can't do it now because I'm doing all my prep work for my next project.
Prep work? Sitting around the house, staring into space? To the untrained eye, it may look like I'm loungin' around but, in fact, I'm in a fever of creative activity.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm telling you.
In fact, the lazier I look, the harder I'm thinking.
If you ever see me dozing off, it's 'cause I'm actually approaching genius.
How do I know if you're working or goofing off? You don't.
That's the whole beauty of me.
So? I'm gonna need an answer.
Well, you already got my answer.
I need the other answer.
Don't give me that look.
I'm asking Don't.
It doesn't work.
- Oh, damn it.
- Excellent.
- We really gonna do this? - Yup, it's a done deal.
As long as you don't screw up the interview.
This place, it gives me the creeps.
It's so corporate.
That's because it's a corporation.
Meanwhile, your client is late.
No.
Whenever the client gets here, he's right on time.
- Don't play with the phone.
- You know what? - I really think we should have a sign.
- For what? In case things get a little tense between us - and we run into trouble.
- Will you stop it? I would feel more comfortable if we had a sign.
You know? Just You do that in front of the client, he's either gonna fire me or steal second.
- Well, like a code word, huh? - We're not gonna need a code word.
- Can't hurt to have one, just in case.
- Like what? Whatever.
Something that you don't hear in ordinary conversation.
Like logarithm.
- No.
- Spittoon? No.
That could come up.
All right, here it is.
Estes Kefauver.
Estes Kefauver.
In the fifties, he was Adlai Stevenson's running mate.
That's the worst code word I've ever heard.
- That is an excellent code word.
- Use it in a sentence.
Here it is.
I like Ike, but I love Estes Kefauver.
- I rest my case.
- Here it is.
This is the one.
Here it is.
Paramecium.
Paramecium? You're just gonna work that into the conversation? - Only if we're really in trouble.
- Al, hi.
You're right on time.
This is my husband Paul the brilliant filmmaker I've been telling you about.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- Sorry I'm late.
This city is the worst.
Al's the director of tourism for New York.
So, you're the reason I can never get a cab, huh? The extra dollars that tourism brings in more than makes up for any inconvenience of its citizens.
Oh, no.
That goes without saying 'cause I was just - Why don't we all sit down? - Sure.
Al, do you wanna fill Paul in on your concept? Excitement.
Energy.
Sizzle.
Can you give me sizzle? - Could you be more specific? - Not really, no.
- Paul's films jump off the screen.
- I hate that.
In a very tasteful way.
That's why you usually see them in art houses or colleges, film festivals.
Anywhere you see innovative, brilliant work.
Well, we don't want anything too brilliant.
We want to appeal to Mr.
And Mrs.
America.
That's understood.
That's why I really think my concept will appeal to everybody, because it's about people.
You really think that's the best point for selling the city? I do.
I really do.
I don't know.
Well I don't know.
Tell him what Woody Allen said about your work.
- Woody? - Go on.
Don't be humble.
God, fine, I'll tell him.
Woody Allen said, "Wow.
" Woody Allen never says things like that.
No, you know what? He really enjoyed that film I did on paramecium.
- Yes, I think that was it.
- Yes, he was talking to a very good friend of Estes Kefauver.
- The point is he loved it.
- Well, ifJamie says you're the guy then Jamie says, "You're the guy.
" - He's the guy.
- You're the guy.
I'm feeling more and more like I'm the guy.
Welcome aboard.
Let's have a few laughs.
And action! Okay, great.
That's a great face.
Keep it movin'.
We're wavin', we're happy.
Great.
That's gonna be great.
You know what? Otto, you wanna check that fill light for me? I think we're ready to try one.
- What? - You're good.
- What, are you just finding this out? - How was I supposed to know? 'Cause I keep tellin' ya.
See, I told you it'd be fun to work together.
Wasn't I right? Can I be honest? This has been, like, the longest month of my life.
- It's been five days.
- This is what I'm saying.
Relax.
You're doing great.
Gentlemen, you know what? I need the lamppost over three feet.
- Sweetie? - Come here.
- Don't ever do that.
- What? Call me sweetie in front ofTeamsters.
I'm trying to exert a little authority here.
Okay, Commander.
What do you want for lunch? - Oh, that's very thoughtful.
- Yeah.
Labor laws.
- Where you ordering from? - Chinese place across the street.
Ooh, I don't know.
Bright lights, sweet and sour shrimp.
Could be very ugly.
Hey, you know what? I'm thinking pizza.
We had that last night.
You want Indian? - No, curry makes my hair sweat.
- Here.
You pick something.
- Whatever you want, I'm easy.
- Hey, don't do that here.
- Why? - There's Al.
Look busy.
- I am busy.
- Move around or something.
You know what? Can we just take it once from the top for cameras? Where do you want me? Wait a second.
I'm sorry.
Are you with the show? - Yes, he is.
I ordered him.
- For what? - He's the Big Apple.
- I get the symbolism - as subtle as it is, but - It was Al's idea.
Well, it's Al's very bad idea.
I'm going for a realistic thing here.
- Just put him in the background.
- I don't do background.
I went toJuilliard with Robin Williams.
- Honey.
- Listen.
Al wants him in.
You can go to makeup.
I would never have done this if I didn't think I had complete creative control.
You do have complete creative control as long as it doesn't conflict with Al's complete creative control.
All right, but in the end, I have final decision, do I not? Right.
'Cause you're the one signing the checks.
I don't sign the checks.
He signs the checks.
Oh, then I guess it's his decision.
Can we just take it from the top? Places.
- Okay.
Roll sound.
- We'll get ready to do one.
- All righty.
And action.
- Big Apple, pager one, take one.
Mark.
Great.
We're out.
We're wavin'.
And then Good.
That's good.
Cut.
Take five, please.
Excuse me a second.
Miss Stemple, can I just ask you something? I think there's a thing with the lights.
I don't know if it's the lighting or what it is.
Who is this guy with his hands all over you? - Who Kenny? - That's Kenny? - Can we do this later? - Kenny, who you always tell me about? I'm in a conference here.
- I thought Kenny was fat.
- Kenny's not fat.
Well, you always say, "Kenny's a pig.
" He's not a fat pig.
So, a pig can touch you at work, but I can't? Why is that? Because he's not my husband.
Tell him to stick around.
There could be an opening.
Paul, could we keep this moving, please? I think it's going really well.
I'm really jazzed about this.
- I'm not happy.
- Why? What's wrong? - I told you no homeless.
- I'm gonna call my agent.
She's not homeless.
She's in Les Mis.
I don't care.
She's a downer.
She's out.
- No problem.
She's out.
- Now I'm jazzed.
- Okay.
Are we gonna shoot here? - Excuse me, ma'am? Please.
- You don't do that.
- What? You don't get rid of one of my cast without consulting me.
This is my shoot.
No, it's Al's shoot.
I thought we just cleared that up.
Well, listen, I don't work like that.
What is the big deal? It's one lousy urchin.
You didn't even like Les Mis.
I was resting my eyes.
You were snoring.
It is really nice how we get to spend this time together.
It is.
You can do this without that urchin.
You know, I don't know.
Now I gotta rethink this whole thing.
- Why are you being so difficult? - I'm difficult? - Yes.
They're saying you're difficult.
- Oh, yeah? Would you like to know what they're saying about you? What? Do you know what everyone calls you? Dragon Lady.
- Who? - Everyone.
- I want names.
- Yeah, you got a name Dragon Lady.
That's just so unfair.
I'll crush them like insects.
- Are we going to shoot this or not? - Yes, we are.
Absolutely.
- We're ready.
- Prepare for picture.
Okay, put us on the pal and light it.
Roll sound.
- Okay, places.
- Quiet on the set.
- Honey? - Hmm? Paramecium.
Big ones.
Big paramecium.
All over the place.
I'm just saying, the poor kid, she was so happy to be in the commercial.
Honey, we've been over this all day.
The client hates urchins.
- Let it go.
- I'm letting it go.
- Thought we weren't gonna talk business.
- You brought it up.
- I brought it up? - Yes.
Well, I did, actually.
All right.
Well, I'm sorry.
- You know what made me crazy? - What? Never mind.
- Tell me.
- No.
It's okay.
Oh, my God.
Have we run out of conversation? - What do you mean? - Do we have nothing to talk about? This isn't supposed to happen for another 40 years.
- We got plenty to talk about.
- All right, then talk about something.
- You know who I can't stand? - No work.
Is airline hijackers.
They're just so obnoxious.
Don't you think? You know, Who are they to make them go to Libya? That's just wrong.
- Excuse me.
- Where you going? Bedroom.
- Where you goin' now? - Nowhere.
I just thought I'd sit on the fire escape for a while.
- We don't have a fire escape.
- I know.
I just need a little space.
- What are you angry about? - I'm not angry.
I'm not.
I'm just sick of the sight of you.
- Okay, that's better.
- No, it's just been too much.
- Too much what? - You.
Me.
Us.
Together.
You.
- Okay, you know, fine.
- No, wait! We don't have to be in separate rooms.
Let's just not talk, okay? - Okay.
Fine, so I'll be right here.
- Okay.
- And I'll be not talking.
- Okay.
What are you reading? A book.
Good.
Me too.
See, we can be in the same room and not talk.
Look at us.
We're doing it right now.
I don't know where this myth comes from that married couples have to keep talking to each other all the time or it means something's wrong.
I mean, look, there's nothing wrong.
We're not talking, and we're doing just great.
Why are you ignoring me? I'm not.
You said you didn't want to talk.
- So now you're mad? - No, I'm respecting your wishes! - Okay.
Thank you.
I just think it's - Shh! Hello.
Hi.
What's going on? No, it's not a bad time at all.
- Who is it? - Time-Life operator.
- Give me - Forget it.
No, I'm very interested in Gunslingers of the Old West.
Don't hang up.
I wanna talk to her when you're through.
Hey.
You'll get it back at the end of the semester.
- Did you see the film? - Mm-hmm.
- And? - It's great.
- Really? How great? - Great great.
Yeah, but "great" is such a vague word.
- Like Citizen Kane great? - It's not quite that great.
- But that was an unfair comparison.
- They loved it.
They did? Well, they should.
It's great! Look at me.
I'm ecstatic.
Of course, I was a little worried at first I know, but we got it done, and that's what counts.
You're a good team.
In fact, I've been authorized to hire you to shoot our next five spots.
How do you like them big apples? The next five spots.
That's incredible.
- That is incredible.
- Incredibly, he's unavailable.
He is? - Who is? - You are.
Is there some way we can work around this? - Well, that depends.
- You're not holding out for more money? No, it's nothing like that.
It's just that he has to work on his next film.
- On what.
- Estes Kefauver.
I must say I'm very disappointed.
I know, but we're gonna get you someone just as good.
Better.
I don't want better.
I want him.
- I want him to.
- Then use your influence.
Okay.
I'll see what I can do.
Could you give us a minute to talk? You're unavailable.
I'm baffled.
- This was a bad idea.
- It was your idea.
It was my bad idea.
But, look, the film came out great.
It did.
It did.
I didn't.
I'm a wreck.
Aren't you? - I'm a little dented maybe.
- I missed you this week.
We were together every minute.
I know.
I didn't have time to think about you, to miss you.
I missed missing you.
I have such a headache now.
I think we just blended our lives a little too much.
- You think? - I think we overblended.
I think we may have pureed.
It's just not healthy to be together 24 hours a day.
How do you think Steve and Eydie do it? Apparently, they're the exception.
- So, in other words - You were right.
- I know, but more importantly - I was wrong.
There you go.
You know what the worse part was? There were just so many things to choose from.
I just really missed coming home and complaining to you about my day.
- Well, I miss that too.
- Especially this week.
Oh, man, did I tell you about this dragon lady I worked for? No.
Did I tell you about this director I hired? What a prima donna.
You hate that, right? Because you're trying to suck up to the client - All right.
- And a guy like that Throwing again.
- Eight.
- I can do it.
Thank you.
Community Chest.
- You get $45.
Look at him.
- I'm so happy.
All right.
I want you to change this.
I'm going again.
You know why? Just 'cause I feel like it, and it's my board.
Nine.
Nine puts me Ah! Saint Charles Place, with a hotel.
Just keep it.
Gonna get it anyway.
All right.
Look at this.
"Community Chest: You got a movie of the week.
" That's unbelievable! That's unbelievable.