Metalocalypse (2006) s01e12 Episode Script

Cut! Cut! Oh, my God! Everyone get out of here! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God Oh! This thing squished my ball.
I might throw up.
~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Dethklok, Dethklok, Dethklok, Dethklok ~ ~ I'll teach you ~ ~ Who rock ~ ~ Dethklok! Dethklok! ~ ~ Skwisgaar Skwigelf Taller than a tree ~ ~ Toki Wartooth Not a bumble bee ~ ~ William Murderface Murderface, Murderface ~ ~ Pickles the Drummer Doodily doo ~ ~ Ding-dong, Doodily doodily doo ~ ~ Nathan Explosion ~ Hey, who that guy with the guitar? That's Sergio Pampingheiser.
He's fantastic.
This fine instrument has a hand-crafted plastified core that you can actually stand on.
I literally cannot believe it.
Is this really happening? Hey, that guy's a multi-millionaire from slinging these crappy guitars and half-assed lessons.
- Really? - It isn't really a crappy guitar, Pickles.
I mean, you can stand on it.
Oh, Skwisgaar! That's what you should be doing! Makes a billions dollars on TV teaching guitars! If I did, it woulds have to be the most brutalist guitar things on TV special pay-for-view ever.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf is now preparing for what people are calling the ultimate pay-per-view event of the year The Skwisgaar Skwigelf Advanced Fast Hand Finger Wizard Master Class.
Oh, cool! Yous gots a new shipment of custom guitar! Yeah, this is some designs I'm messing around with.
This one is a Swiss-army-tar.
It's a good guitar for a camping trip.
It's got toothpick.
Yeah, good tone.
What's that one right there? Is just an Ant-farm-atar.
Still workings on it.
- Nice.
I'd like to stand on that thing.
- Yeah.
I'd stand on that.
Yeah.
And this is the Gibson Excalibitar.
You know.
And here's my guitar made from the wood of Christ's cross.
Get ready for a billion e-mails.
Here comes the offended religious weirdos.
What's offensive about the most religious instrument ever? Sorry, I got to take this.
It's the guys from the pay-per-view event.
Starting to really drive me crazy! - I want an endorsement deal! - Yeah, me, too! Dude, you got like 20 endorsement deals.
It seems that Dethklok has gone beyond the music world and has acquired endorsement deals.
They're systematically conquering different markets one by one.
Our endorsement specialist Ronald Von Momnaldberg.
When celebrities as dangerous and popular as Dethklok endorse a product, it threatens the very core of commerce.
For example, Toki Wartooth now endorses the Willard Wonky Candy-hand Candy corporation.
As a result, childhood obesity has quadrupled.
Nathan Explosion has his own barbeque sauce known as Explosion Sauce A North Carolina style mustardy blend with a hint of cilantro.
I must confess, it tastes amazing.
William Murderface has loaned his name to a high-end doorknob company known as Murder-Knobs.
And, finally, Pickles is endorsing Pickles Nickels the first-ever endorsement deal with money.
This Skwisgaar Skwigelf Advanced Fast Hand Finger Wizard Master Class pay-per-view event could be incredibly destructive as well.
I should confess, I am looking forward to it.
I began playing recently.
OK, let me explains again in prefectly clear English I wants flies in on a dragons, OK?! How many times I got to tell this, peoples?! I know! There isn't a dragon.
I know.
That's what I'm telling you! - But that's what I'm telling you.
- So, go get one.
What are you doing here? Go! Go get one now.
Go, go.
They don't have them.
- You telling me they're out of dragons? - They never had dragons.
- Who didn't? - The world.
Get this guy out of here! Finds me a dragon! OK Pulls it together.
Don't let the stress get to you.
Yous are the fastest guitarist alive.
There's no pressure.
Oh, God! I can't do it.
Hello, I am fine.
Just getting high.
Skwisgaar, this is your hand insurance policy.
Should anything happen to your hands, you will be reimbursed $10 billion.
Just sign here.
Here.
And just sign here.
Here.
Looks like it's won't stop.
How many copy I gots to sign? Oh, yeah.
That makes sense.
And you must wear these protective solid crystal oxygenating hand aquariums when not playing or the policy is void.
That sounds weird.
OK.
Whatever.
Well That's all I needed to do.
I'll see you later.
You been crying, have you? No way.
Like I said, I'm totally high.
OK.
See ya.
Oh, he's totally stressed out.
He's a basket case.
He's in over his head.
Yeah, he's stressed.
He's totally stressing out.
Oh, wait, hold on.
Here he comes.
Hey! What's happening?! How is the big show coming together? Fine! Everything's going great! See you later.
Hey, we've been talking, Skwisgaar, and We think this whole production could be a lot more Zippy.
It just it needs zazz! Am I I mean, I'm right to say that, right? You're right to say that.
It's just, you know, you could stand to zazz it up a little bit.
No offense, Skwisgaar, but I gotta say this whole thing, it lacks zazz.
Well put.
Can't you just put it on the Zazz train to Zazzville? Yeah, because, no offense There's absolutely no zazz to be found.
Not here, anyway.
Not in these parts.
What we're trying to say is that there are two kinds of shows out there: Those with and those without Will you please stop saying "zazz"? - Zazz.
- Zazz.
Please stop saying "zazz.
" Why don't you let us help you out? Yeah, we'll help lighten the load, make it more za You know! Nathan, is this all we got for costumes? Yeah.
This isn't good! He can't wear none of this! - You don't need to freak out, Toki.
- I just want it to be great.
Maybe you don't, but I do! - All right! All right.
Are you OK? - Yes, I'm fine.
You are eating a lot of candy.
So?! You drinks a lot of barbeque sauce.
Maybe you've had too much sugar.
No, I haven Oh, hold on! Is that a tooth? Yeah.
Got any other questions?! I'll be right here! Your teeth are falling out because of your free candy from your free endorsement deal.
Are you a dentist? - No.
- Well, then shut up! Oh, by the way, teeth grow back! No, they don't.
Yes, they do.
Don't you remember being a little kids when your teeth would fall out and grow back and you would get the old one under the pillow so the ancient Norse god Othar The Tooth Collector give you pickles nickel? - Why don't you just get out of here?! - Fine.
Good-bye! That was weird.
Was that your first fight? That came from Skwisgaar's dressing room! I don't know whats to do.
This solid crystal oxenagating hands aquariums won't comes off.
Skwisgaar, you gots to gets on stage soon! Oh, no! Break them together, over your head! Burst them! Hurry! It sounded cool.
Wait, no.
I got it.
Do we have any butter? Oh, no! All I got is stupid doorknobs! Damn it! Why didn't any of us get a butter endorsement deal? - Wait! We could try my barbecue sauce.
- Do it! You're free! Run away, Skwisgaar! Why should he run away? OK.
Somebody please hands me my guitars and a towel.
Oh, god! Is there cilantros in this? Yeah.
Why? I am allergic to cilant Skwisgaar, your hands! My hands are turning into I'm turning into a Oh, what the f are we gonna do now? Well Isn't this a nice surprise, me being here at this incredibly zazzy event? A fantastic star-studded evening of zazz.
Got any room for any more zazz up here? I think I have diabetes.
I gotta take a f nap.
Let's roll the clip.
Over a million babies and ladies die every hemi-second.
That's why I use Murder-knobs Doorknobs for a new world.
I'm Pickles the Drummer and our country is experiencing a horrible problem.
Nobody is using nickels.
Use nickels.
Nickels is money, too, guys.
I guess I've always hated my father.
Explosion Sauce changed that.
Explosion Sauce.
It's good on its own.
I'm Toki.
I slips in and out of diabetic coma.
They should makes insulin-flavored candy.
Whatever.
Candy.
Tastes like chicken if chicken was a candy.
He's the mighty god of the ax here tonight to teach the world the art of shredding! Skwisgaar Skwigelf! Hello, everyone Thank you for coming to the Skwisgaar Skwigelf Advanced Hand Finger Wizard Master Class.
That night, the Master of the guitar literally reinvented the instrument.