Mind Your Language (1977) s01e12 Episode Script

Silence! What do you think you're all playing at? We are not playing, we are arguing.
l'm just five minutes late, and you are all getting at each other's throats.
Come on, sit down.
Danielle, l'm surprised.
You and Max are going about.
lt's nothing, honest.
l just asked her to come for a Greek meal.
And l just thought we'll have a little bit of this and a little bit of that.
lt's the little of bit of this and that, that l don't like.
Jivani, what were you and Van quarelling over? He was making fun of Santa Maria.
Santa Maria, the Virgin Mary? No, Louis G Santa Maria, the ltalian foot baller.
ltalian foot ballers, are bad.
You shut your mouth, you big Spanish onion.
lf you spend half as much energy learning English as you do on arguing with each other, you'd be perfect by now.
You have a lot to learn, and it's just a week to your examinations.
And l don't think you're quite ready at all.
Excuse please, you're committing a mistake.
No, l'm not.
You may have mastered a few words, but you speak English atrociously.
All we need is a little electrocution.
- Elocution.
- Okay.
Part of your exam will consist of how well you speak as well as notes.
So before we break for tea, l'm going to go around the class and l want each of you to speak for a minute in turn on whatever subject l give you.
We'll start with you Danielle.
Your subject is sea side.
The sea side? l like to go to the beach take all my clothes off and lie in the sun.
Tell me which beach, l'll come and watch.
Don't interrupt Jivani, sit down.
Go one Danielle.
One weekend, l went to the isle of the Man.
- The isle of man? - Yes, but l was very disappointed.
There were not all men.
Thank you Danielle.
That will do.
Well done.
- Ali.
- Yes please? Television.
Jolly good.
l'm liking very much the English television.
Every night l'm watching the Crosswords.
- Crossroads.
- Yes please.
l'm also liking all the advertisements.
l'm learning lots of useful English things.
Like graded grains making finer flower.
And little perforation.
Fairly good.
- Only one thing l'm not liking.
- What's that? Paying the money for the license.
Not to worry.
Thank you.
Well done.
- Chuilie, your subject, philosophy.
- Very good.
ln democratic republic of China philosophy is for the poll where all property invested in community each member working according to his capacity receiving according to his wants, as opposed to western countries where people are exploited by capitalism That is not true.
Sit down.
Jamila.
A minute please, on art.
- Art? - Painting.
Okay, painting.
l like very much, painting.
Last Wednesday, l did painting.
You painted a picture? No, not picture, l painted the kitchen door.
l don't mean that sort of painting.
l mean, works by the great masters.
Leonardo Da Vinci, Turner, Matisa.
Oh Now last weekend, l am going to Tatty gallery.
- Tate.
- Yes Tate.
And, l am not like what l see.
Painting of ladies, bare foot up to here.
And, showing their bosoms and all that.
Also, paintings of undressed gentlemen, showing all their Thank you, that will be all.
Anna, can you speak for a minute on life after death.
Yes.
l do not believe in life after death.
When you are dead, that is the end.
Well, us Catholics go to heaven.
- What about everybody else? - Everybody else go to hell.
lf heaven is full of Catholics like you, l'll prefer to go to hell.
l don't think we'll pursue that subject for the moment if you don't mind.
Thank you, Anna.
Max, a minute please, on British birds.
l like British birds, especially blondes.
Perhaps that's not very funny, Max.
Sorry.
Everyday, in the garden of my lodging house, l have many birds.
Blackie birds, cocky sparrows and sometimes, a blue breast.
Tit, a blue tit.
Okay.
Yesterday, l see a red robin tit.
lt's a robin, red breast.
Okay.
British birds much confusing.
Well done.
Okay Jivani, what should we give you to speak about? - Girls.
- l don't think so, Jivani.
- Have you any hobbies? - Sure.
My favorite is hobby is girls.
- Not any other hobbies? - Sure, but not as good.
l'm not stopping you, but try and speak for one minute without bringing girls into your conversation.
Okay.
l have two other hobbies.
- The first is making wine.
- What's the second hobby? Drinking it.
After l drink it, l do my third hobby.
But you don't let me talk about it.
My friend, Finchanso, his hobby is pinching.
- You mean he's a thief? - He's not a thief.
You said his hobby was pinching.
What does he pinch? You don't let me talk about it.
Thank you Jivani that was good.
Ranjit.
What can you tell us about evolution.
Nothing at all.
- Why not? - l'm not knowing what it means.
Well, it means the origin of the species, where we all came from.
- Now l'm understanding.
- Good.
l came from Punjab, he came from ltaly.
- She came from France.
- No, you're taking me to literally l want you to speak about how life itself began.
A thousand apologies.
Life began with man and lady make love.
Yes, but before that, what happened? They put the light out.
No, the story of evolution Ranjit, was not created but evolved from a distinct form.
The first forms of life were in the sea.
Then came creatures who got out of the sea and crawled on their legs.
Then came four-legged mammals.
Then came creature who could stand on two legs.
Then the great apes.
- Van.
- Yes.
Let's see your observation on the stars.
What? Okay, stars.
- There is plenty stars.
- Name some.
Sophia Loren, Michael Douglas.
- Van! - Sorry Mr.
Brown, just ajoke.
Just? lf it isn't too much trouble can you try being more serious for a minute? Yes, for one minute, l speak serious.
Stars.
ln the heaven, plenty stars.
Some big stars, some little stars.
Some not so big stars, some not so little stars.
Some bright stars, some dull stars.
Some not so bright stars, some not so - Thank you, Van.
- Hey, l not speak for one minute.
Well, l think you've spoken for long enough.
- Deryll.
- Yes sir.
A minute please on childhood.
- Not want to speak about childhood.
- Why not? Very bad time for me.
No parents.
- No parents? - Santa Maria.
He's a miracle baby.
Mother, father killed when l was a small boy.
Childhood, very lonely.
Did you lose your parents when you were a little boy? l didn't exactly lose them, l just don't know who they are.
You were an orphan? - Yes.
- That's terrible.
When l was about two weeks old l was left on the steps of an orphanage in Jeremy street.
And hence my name, Jeremy.
Oh deary me, l'm being very sad for you.
Not having a mummy! Oh cheer up Ali, what you never have, you never miss.
Matter of fact, until was about two, l was convinced my mummy was a big woolly teddy bear.
Well, l must say l often wonder sometimes whether l have any brothers and sisters.
Hey! We be your brothers and sisters.
Sure, we all become one big happy family.
And l will be your brother.
And l will be your sister.
Well, not quite sister.
Well, that's very kind of you all.
l think we'll break for tea.
- Good evening Mr.
Brown.
- Good evening Ms.
Courtney.
- Headache? - Thanks, l already got one.
- You want a couple of aspirin? - l think l need a drink.
Some black coffee might help.
A double scotch might help a bit more.
l need a break.
A nice quiet 10 minutes away from my students will do me a world of good.
- One tomato juice please.
- l'm only wanting coca cola.
A glass of milk please.
Look, l only got one pair of hands.
They are beautiful hands.
- Thank you.
- You are a beautiful girl.
- Very young.
- What did you want? Brandy.
lt's not here.
l'll have to go to the other bar.
l'll be a minute.
Hey boys look, here is Mr.
Brown.
What are you all doing here? - We need a change.
- Canteen coffee not very good.
Can we buy you a drink? That's very kind of you, but l've got a bit of a headache so l'll go and sit over there.
- Hello Mr.
Brown.
- Hello Sid.
- Yes please? - You ever get drunk? Every night; can't face the wife.
You got any family, Sid? - Any family, any children? - Oh yes and no.
- What do you mean, yes and no? - We had a little one once.
l was out of work, l had no money.
Got a bit desperate.
Wrapped the baby, took it out, & put it on the steps of the orphanage.
- An orphanage? - Yes, in Jeremy street.
Jeremy street? lt wasn't on Easter Monday, was it? Yes, it was.
Sid, your father? Are you sure? Quite so.
- l haven't told him yet.
- But you must.
Some things are best left alone.
l mean, after all, it was a long time ago, nearly 30 years.
- The truth, Mr.
Brown, must be told.
- Do you think it's wise.
lt's a bit of shock to realise you are related to someone so rough and vulgar.
Rubbish, l think Sid will soon get used to you.
Thank you.
You know, come to think of it, and looking at you now there's quite a resemblance.
- Sid and me? - Yes, specially the profile.
- Like father like son.
- Oh dear.
- What about your mother? - Yes, what about her? According to Sid, she sounds like a dragon.
Well l think, it's very romantic.
Enter.
l just came to put the stock room key back.
Sorry, l'm not protruding, am l? No Sid, ofcourse not, quite the opposite.
lnfact your presence here is most opportune.
Mr.
Brown has something to say to you.
Haven't you, Mr.
Brown? - Yes.
- Well, l'll leave you two alone.
- What do you want to say, son? - Son? You just called me son.
lt's nothing unusual, l call everybody son.
They are just words.
ln any case, l'm old enough to be your father.
Come, sit down, Sid.
Cigarette Sid? No, l'm sorry, l just run out of them.
- No, l'm offering you one.
- Oh, that very kind of you.
Thanks very much.
Listen Sid, what l wanted to ask you is - Well how are you keeping? - l'm fine.
Oh good.
What is it you want to say to me? Well you see it could be a bit embarrassing.
lt's not about the cape of good hope, is it? Cape of good hope? The soap that we use in the wash basin.
- Soap? - l only did it once.
lt was easy, it was a big shop.
l only flicked about half a dozen.
- You stole six bars of soap? - Cases.
l sold them.
l wish you hadn't told me about that.
- lt wasn't about the soap? - No, l never even heard about it.
Then about the crockery? - Crockery in the canteen.
- You've been stealing crockery? l just took about a dozen of each.
Some were old and chipped.
You'll tell me next you've been nicking the chairs.
- Nicking the chairs.
- No, l never nicked any chairs.
- That's a relief.
- Can't make any profit.
- l wonder if it's hereditary.
Pardon? No Look Sid, tell me about your wife.
What is she like? Pain in the neck.
You must have been fond of her once.
She's always nagging.
Nag nag nag.
- Perhaps she feels neglected.
- She deserves to be neglected.
l'd divorce her if it wasn't for one thing.
- What's that? - We're not married.
Not married! No, we thought about it, but never came around it.
- That's terrible! - Well, it doesn't worry us.
- But that makes me your child - Alright look Listen Sid, please.
You must get married.
lf for my for your child's sake.
l mean, to give it a name.
lt's too late for that now, and in any case, we can't afford it.
l mean, she wants a new outfit, a proper do.
lt's not wise to waste all that money.
- Look Sid l'll pay.
- You'll what? - l'll pay for the wedding.
- Why, what for? - l want to.
- Can l have a new suit? - Yeah.
- And a car with flowers? - Yes.
- And booze afterwards? - Naturally.
l know it sounds strange, but l have got my reasons.
Can you and your wife meet me in Red line pub after school tonight? - That will be alright.
- See you there then.
See you at night, son.
My own father a thief! Yet l suppose l should be grateful in a way.
lf he hadn't left me at the orphanage steps but brought me up himself, what would l be like today? - Dad - What? - Your drink.
- Oh, drink, son.
- l brought this as well.
- What's this? lt must be 50 quid.
- 53.
- Where did you get it from? l flicked it from someone's pocket.
Chip off the old block, eh? He didn't realise? No l suppose, he didn't bash me up.
l could pick one too.
Quite enjoying yourself? Very good, son.
- Mr.
Brown Mr.
Brown! - Yeah darling, what Sorry Ms.
Courtney, l was miles away.
Well, did you tell him? No, l don't really think l ought to.
But ofcourse you must tell him, Mr.
Brown.
- There's no other alternative.
- Oh, there is.
- What's that? - l could cheat myself.
Danielle, what are you doing tonight? Why you ask? There's a dance at the students club.
You want to come? Hey l was going to ask Danielle to come with me.
Too bad.
l ask her first.
- What you say? - Well, l like very much to dance.
Good.
l'll show you how to do the ltalian shuffle.
You stand like this, then you put your arms around my neck.
l put my arms around your waist.
Then we put our cheeks together.
- What do we do next? - Who cares? l hope l'm not interrupting anything.
l as just showing Danielle how to dance the ltalian shuffle.
What kind of shuffle, l'd like to see.
Part of your examination next week will consist of reading aloud.
So l hope tonight, we have a practice of reading out a poem.
Jolly good.
l'm hearing ajolly good poem last night.
There was a young lady called Nelly.
Who was tattooed all over in Delhi.
Right down her back, the Union Jack.
And God save the Queen on her belly.
Thank you Ali, sit down.
The poem l'm going to read is called Daffodils by William Wordsworth.
l'll ask each of you to read out a line in turn.
We'll start again with you, Danielle.
- l wandered lonely as a cloth? - Cloud.
Sorry.
That floats high on air, valleys and hillies.
- Valleys and hills.
- Jolly good.
- When all at once l saw a clout.
- Cloud.
- A host of golden daffodilies.
- Daffodils.
Besides zhe lakes, beneath zhe trees.
- THE THE THE.
- Zhe zhe zhe.
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Well done.
Continuous as stars shine.
Continuous as the stars that shine.
Continuous as the stars that shine.
Better.
And tinkle on the milky way.
- Twinkle! - Thousand apologies.
Anybody know what the milky way is? Yes senor.
Chocolate.
The milky way is a luminous collection of stars.
l see.
Sophia Loren, Michael Douglas No Van.
Go on, it's your turn.
Okay.
They stretch in never ending light.
Around the marching of the bale.
l'm sure Mr.
Wordsworth would have found that quite an uplifting experience.
Mr.
Brown, l just got a call from your from Sidney.
He asked me to tell you that when you're finished he'll be waiting for you at the bar of the Red Line pub with your with his wife.
- Hello Sid.
- Hello Mr.
Brown.
- Where is your wife? - She's gone to the wash room.
- He won't be a minute.
- She ordered the drinks? Yeah, l told her you'll pay for them when you came in.
Hey Sid, where's that teacher? Meet my wife.
Don't laugh.
- Hello - Pleased to meet you, Mrs - You might call me Ma.
- Ma.
ls it true what Sid says that you are going to pay for our wedding? Yes, Ma.
- That' a great relief, Sid.
- Yes.
- But what l don't understand - l'll try and explain.
Remember you told me about leaving a baby - at an orphanage in Jeremy street? - Yeah.
One of the reasons why l want you two to get married is is that your child will be illegitimate.
What a lovely thought! l must give you a kiss.
l'll tell you something now.
30 years ago you left that baby in the orphanage at Jeremy street.
- Yes, it was about that time.
- On an Easter Monday? Well, even l was left at an orphanage 30 years ago in Jeremy street on an Easter Monday.
Sid, what a coincidence! lf l tell you l was that baby would you say that was a coincidence? - No, a blooming miracle.
- Why? Because that baby as a girl.