Mixology (2013) s01e12 Episode Script

1 Bruce: This is the story of 10 strangers, one night, and all the stupid, embarrassing, ridiculous things we do To find love.
So, I saw you with Maya, and I got to say that for one tiny second, you were 1% more attractive.
What did I start at? Uh1%.
Really? That means I'm up 100%.
God, it's embarrassing how much you want me.
Should we just get a cab now? [Inhales sharply.]
It's not even last call, dude.
Last call! Last call for alcohol! [Incredible Bongo Band's "Apache" plays.]
Why are you being so nice to the ugly carrot? Oh, come on.
He's not so bad.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, yeah.
He's such a catch.
What is he doing? A real catch.
Hey.
Oh, I just had the best talk with Maya about dolphins.
What are you doing back here? I just set you up to close her, dude.
I flirted with her.
I got you to punch me in the face.
I served you her ass on a silver platter.
T-that was all fake? [Chuckling.]
Yes! With all my karate training, do you really think you could land a punch on me? [Laughing.]
What? Oh, my God.
This changes everything.
I thought Maya was actually into me.
She is.
Bruce just Accelerated things a bit.
- But it's all a lie.
- So what? If that's the biggest lie you told tonight to get laid, you're fine.
One time, I told a girl that a snake bit my penis.
But unfortunately, that backfired right in my face.
She threw hot water right on my ween, which apparently is some less-well-known remedy for snakebites.
The point is, Tommy, everyone lies a little to get laid.
I can just feel the the confidence leaving my body.
My hands are sweating.
I can't see.
I can't see.
- Now hey, bubba.
- I can't Bubba, you're gonna be fine.
You do want to have sex with her, right? Yes.
Ohh, I want to have sex with her very much.
Then take off your dress and go make her yours! Okay.
I'm gonna march over there and tell Maya, "I want to have sex with you.
" No! No, dude! That's suicide! Listen, Tom - Closing is an art.
- Mm-hmm.
If you just ask a girl to go home with you, 99 out of 100 will say no.
Yeah, and the one who says yes just wants to burgle your home.
Okay.
H-h-how do I close? - Wow.
Wow.
- Oh, my God.
That is a big question, dude.
- Pay close attention.
- Yeah.
Very close attention.
This is how you close.
So, can I get you ladies anything before closing? Um, yes.
I would like something sweet.
- What do you recommend? - Well, sex on the beach.
Get it? 'Cause he wants to have sex with you on a beach.
[Chuckles.]
No, no.
I just love the taste.
I used to make one for my mom every day - when she came home from work.
- Weird.
Yeah.
I used to make a cocktail for my dad every night, too.
It's funny, right Now every time I make a cocktail for somebody, I think about my mom.
[Chuckles.]
So, basically, you're thinking about your mom all the time.
Yeah.
She's an amazing woman.
Oh.
Mm.
That is so sweet.
[Both chuckle.]
Listen, you want to share a cab home with me tonight? Yes.
She lives in new Jersey.
[Slaps.]
Oh, well, I love new Jersey.
Yeah, I love the mountains.
Hmm.
The first rule of closing is that all girls want to believe that sex happens spontaneously, in a romantic, magical way.
Yeah, not like it was planned for hours by some weirdo in an army jacket.
So, first, you need to separate your girl from the herd.
She is never gonna make bad choices with all of her friends watching.
Yeah, then you got to give her some non-sexual excuse to go home with you - so she doesn't feel like a Ho.
- Like what? - Ask her to watch "Zoolander.
" - Invite her to watch "Zoolander.
" Really? "Zoolander"? Yeah.
I don't know why, but 100% of women love that movie.
That's right, dude You get her back to the place, you pop in "Zoolander," [Chuckles.]
"This is so funny.
" Zip, thud.
"Oh, my God.
" Bow-chicka-wow-wow-wicka Okay.
I-I can do this, I think.
The "thud" That was, like, your penis coming out and hitting a solid surface, or? Yeah.
That's the sound it makes.
Okay.
I'm gonna go close sex with Maya.
- All right! Go get 'em, bubba! - Oh, yeah, buddy! "Close sex.
" - Yeah, I'm gonna call him a cab.
- Yeah.
[Both laugh.]
No.
My favorite stripper was the gladiator, Maximus Hungus.
Yeah.
Is that really a female fantasy, then Sleeping with a fighting slave? Totally.
What is hotter than a guy with a trident and a net? Good, because my legs look phenomenal in strappy sandals.
[Laughs.]
I bet.
Would you like to adjourn back to my place to see it? UhYour That's interesting.
I would you have a house.
And that Uh, Maya! Oh, my God! It's Maya! Maya! Come! Sit with us! The greatest thing just happened.
Ron just invited me to his place.
Isn't that wonderful? Why would you tell her that? - Hi, Maya.
- Hey.
Can I can I sit with you guys? Yeah! Sure! Oh, y Oh.
A stool.
This is fun.
[Sighs.]
Do you guys like "Zoolander"? What a bizarre thing to ask.
I love "Zoolander.
" Both: [As Zoolander.]
Hansel is so very special right now.
[Both laugh.]
Tom: Right.
[Both laugh.]
Yeah.
I don't like comedies.
Really? Well, y-you're gonna love this one.
Um, maybe we should go back to my place and watch it.
- I would love to.
- What? - What? - What? Yeah, mate, would you mind getting us some drinks? I'm not thirsty.
Thanks, though.
Great.
A Gin Rickey for me, a White Wine, and a - Scotch.
- A scotch.
Thanks so much.
You got it.
[Clears throat.]
Actually, that's a lot to carry.
UmM-maybe one of you could help me? [Chuckles.]
I gue I'm great at carrying things.
Are you kidding me? I have amazing balance.
- Okay.
Great.
- I'll show you.
So, that was weird, right? I don't know.
I left my body when the tall one started rambling on about "Zoolander.
" [Sighs.]
I actually love "Zoolander.
" Yeah.
Me too.
Ben Stiller is an American treasure.
Okay.
Here is as much alcohol as I could fit on my tray.
Oh, thank you.
You are welcome.
So, see you at closing? - Can't wait.
- Me neither.
Okay.
Super-gross.
Okay, that's enough of that.
Hey! How deep is Jessica into me? Like, do I even need to wear a helmet tonight? Oh.
No.
She's not into you at all.
In fact, I just heard she's leaving with Dominic.
- What? - Yeah.
She's really into it.
She says she likes him way more than you because you're strange.
Sorry, Bruce.
Bye, Cal.
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry, man.
I guess you're just gonna have to downgrade to one of your fallbacks.
You have been lining up fallbacks, right? Dude, please tell me that you did not put all your eggs in the Jessica basket.
I did! Oh.
I did.
I like her basket.
I want to wear her basket on my face! Dude, it is almost closing time.
You need to find some fallbacks immediately! All right! Don't yell at me, dad! Let's see what we got.
Okay, let's line them up.
- Um We got dead tooth.
- Ugh.
- Girl who just saw "Avenue Q.
" - Oh.
[Scoffs.]
- Girl who doesn't know she's gay.
- How? UhGirl who looks like Daniel Day-Lewis.
Oh, I loved her in "My Left Foot.
" - Burning man.
- Nah.
Okay.
And girl with major eye wound.
You know, if she didn't have the bandages, she could be kind of cute Maybe.
I don't know, man.
I generally go for girls with two working eyes.
Yeah, but, you know, everyone gets a 3-point bump at last call, Cal.
Which brings burning man up to a 3.
Fact.
Oh, dude! Somebody just closed dead tooth.
The dregs are going fast, man.
You got to grab them while you still can.
Okay, okay, okay.
All right, I-I'm just gonna take, um I-I will takeUh Oh I'll take major eye wound.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
You need me to hype you up? No.
Not really.
[Sighs.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
And that is the last time I will ever play softball at night.
[Laughing.]
Amazing.
Hey, I'm thinking of going home and cooking up some of my famous fish tacos.
Are you hungry? Yeah.
I could eat.
I just need to run to the pharmacy and grab some fresh gauze for my eye wound.
Right.
Let's go.
Oh, wait.
Hold on.
Just wait right here.
Right here? Where are you going? Hey! What the hell was that? I think you're her fallback.
What? For that guy? What is she, blind? Yeah, she's kind of She's kind of blind.
Oh, God.
I am so sorry.
I didn't realize you were trying to take Maya home with you.
- [Chuckling.]
That's fine.
- No, the truth is, I was just kind of trying to get out of there.
Oh, no.
Do you not like that British guy? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
No.
Ron is amazing.
It's just, I've been single for like 20 minutes, and I haven't gone home with anyone in years, and that is super-scary.
Yeah, it took me like two years to learn sex with my ex-fiancée, and now I have to learn a whole nether person in one night? I mean, there's no way.
Oh, my God.
What if Ron wants me to choke him? What if Maya laughs at my penis? Oh, my God.
She would totally do that.
Also, what if I'm bad at sex? You know, Maya's used to sleeping with professional athletes, and not just Professional athletes Like Black professional athletes.
Oh.
How can I compete with that? Tell me about it.
I've only had sex with two guys in my entire life, and they have both been from Connecticut.
Oh, my God.
And people from Connecticut are terrible at sex! I know.
It's the least-sexual state.
[Sighs.]
Oh, God.
I'm doomed.
I'm doomed, too.
[Sighs.]
Well At least I'll know I'm not the only one failing miserably at sex tonight.
Yeah.
I'll be thinking of you.
[Both laugh.]
I-I mean, I won't beHopefully.
[Laughs.]
Bruce: I know.
How did we miss this? The perfect couple has been right under our noses all night.
What makes a great couple? First, they must be within two units of hotness of each other.
She's a 6.
She is a 7.
She is an 8.
You're giving Maya's friend an 8? She's a 12.
My scores are final, Tom.
Maya's friend is an 8, and you are a 6.
Your scores are ridiculous.
You just became a 5.
I protest your entire scoring system.
Now you're a 4! Don't worry, Tom.
You're still a 6.
- Shut up, 5 and a half.
- What are you? Numbers can't define me.
I'm an eagle.
Second, a great couple needs to share the same values.
Tom is a great guy who always gives to those in need.
Liv is a sweetheart who also helps those in need.
Holy crap.
She's giving him like 80 bucks.
And finally, a great couple should have similar interests.
No, it's true.
I saw it on animal planet.
They have tiny antlers and big, round eyes.
They're called Dik-Diks, and they prance around Afr ica, spreading joy to all the other animals.
It's like if Bambi was real.
Except not mom-just-got-murdered Bambi.
Like, early, fun Bambi.
Someone should domesticate these animals.
Because I would buy one and let it run all around my apartment.
Actually, I would buy two Both: So the first one could have a friend.
Dik-Diks! Um Well, I, uhI guess I'll go try and close with Maya now.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Of course.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, do you want some help? Really? Yes.
Okay.
All right.
Fun.
I'll be, like, your wingman.
Do you know how to do that? Not even a little.
Okay.
Well, cheers.
I'll give it a whirl.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah, when I first met Tom, I thought he was, like, this little girl in a corduroy jacket.
But then I started to see a real man underneath.
But now he's acting weird with Liv, so going home alone is looking really good right now.
Yeah, same here.
Like, when I first met Liv, we had this amazing chemistry.
Yeah.
Now it's almost like she's scared of me or something.
No.
She likes you.
She talks about you nonstop Usually in a deeply offensive British accent.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, thank you.
And, truth be told, Tom seems like a wonderful guy.
Yeah.
Tom: [Mimics radio hiss.]
Drink-copter to base.
Drink-copter to base.
Prepare to be drunk.
[Chuckles.]
Over.
[Laughs.]
[Laughing.]
That's so great.
[Laughing.]
We were practicing the whole way back.
- Sorry it got too loud.
- That was so funny.
Yeah.
I would love to come home and watch a movie.
What are you feeling? I don't know "Gangs of New York," "There Will Be Blood," "Lincoln.
" Like, three of my favorite movies.
[Both chuckle.]
Let's get out of here.
UmHold on.
[Clears throat.]
Hey.
You want to get out of here? Oh, what the [Sighs.]
Hey, man, if it's any consolation, I never liked Daniel Day-Lewis.
Yeah, well, I'm running out of time, and I'm running out of girls, Cal.
There's still burning man.
Ew! She is dirty.
And not like sexy dirty.
Like I can see the dirt on her face.
[Groans.]
I guess I'll just have to wash her first.
[Laughing.]
I said "yes, grandma.
I will dance for my bonnet.
" [Laughs.]
[Laughing.]
You paint such a vivid portrait of your grandmother.
I wish I could have met her before she killed herself.
[Laughs.]
Isn't Tom hilarious? Yep.
He's a regular Margaret Cho.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
[Chuckling.]
What? You know, it's a it's a really beautiful night out.
Is anybody interested in going for a walk? Liv: Yes! Maya loves walking.
Maya, walk with him.
Sorry.
I live in Brooklyn.
Actually, my favorite night walk is across the Brooklyn bridge.
I-I really love reading all the - Love locks.
- Love locks? Yes.
Aren't they amazing? Please tell me What are love locks? Couples bolt padlocks onto the bridge with their names on it, and then they throw the key into the river to signify their everlasting bond.
It's really beautiful.
It's also really littering.
Sounds like a big waste of locks.
[Voice breaking.]
My parentsPut a love lock on the Brooklyn bridge in 1974, and they go back every year on their anniversary, and it's the most romantic thing ever.
Oh.
But you guys should totally go.
You go.
It's okay.
Great.
Well, as much as I'd love to keep talking about locks, I think I'm gonna close out and get out of here.
Yep, and I seem to have catastrophically misread everything that's happened here tonight, so I'm gonna do the same.
Cheers.
W-wait.
Did I just ruin everything? N-no.
- Yes, I did.
- Yes, you did.
[Sighs.]
And then I'm going to bonnaroo with my bike-polo team.
Then I'm off to art basel with my urban-farming collective.
I have no idea what any of those things are.
Do you want to get out of here? Sure, man.
Just let me go grab my backpack.
Oh, no, no.
Look, look.
Please don't put me on the back burner while you try and go close some other dude that you like more.
I am tired of being everyone's fallback.
Oh, you're You're not my fallback.
- Really? - No.
You're my second-to-last fallback.
Cokehead Banker is my fallback.
[Chuckling.]
It's like a 200% profit on a 7-figure deal, so instead of taking a bath, we all got stinkin' rich.
[Laughter.]
[Laughs.]
Ohhhh.
Thank you, burning man.
You're welcome, homeless veteran.
Seriously, man Don't let anyone make you feel like a fallback.
Sometimes I pull total 10s out of here.
Hmm.
There's no rhyme or reason to the dating game.
You are so wise.
Yeah.
I do a lot of drugs.
- Oh.
- All right.
Wish me luck.
I'm gonna go try to close fat cowboy.
[Chuckles.]
Good luck.
Thanks, dude.
Fat cowboy.
Mm-hmm.
Interesting.
Hey.
I heard you were going home with Dominic, which is obviously a terrible idea, and I want to let you know my confidence couldn't be any higher and that I will never, ever stop trying to make love to you, so you might as well just get it over with now, and maybe I'll leave you alone.
That's really sweet.
Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
Thank you.
[Sighs.]
I am so sorry I ruined things for you and Maya.
Please.
I've been ruining it with Maya ever since I met her.
The truth is, I'll never be the man she wants me to be.
Yeah, and I will never be the sex kitten, the hot-to-trot lady that Ron wants me to be.
I mean, who am I Twiggy? Well, then Forget them both.
Yeah.
Yeah, if Maya can't see how sweet and funny and cute you are, it's her loss.
Yeah.
And you're beautiful and quirky and different.
And if Ron isn't willing to wait for that, then screw him.
Don't change, Tom.
Baby, baby Bruce: I know.
They're perfect, right? Except they're not.
For one, Tom can be too nice.
So can Liv.
Tom can be a wuss.
Come on, Tommy! Get in the water! Jump in! Come on! Stop screaming at me! You're not up here! You have no idea how high this is! Liv can be very indecisive.
Liv: Do you have, like, samples? Girl: You're killing me, lady! What Tom and Liv really need is someone who will push them to change Do not come near, Bruce! No! No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! [Laughter.]
And help them overcome their flaws.
Yeah, Tommy! [All cheering.]
Ron did that for Liv.
Look, maybe tonight should be the night that you just Let yourself go.
- Really? - Yeah.
Trust me.
You've got to go crazy once in a while or you'll just instantly become a bitter, old, British alcoholic man.
Ugh.
Like Margaret Thatcher.
Okay.
Okay.
I will.
And Maya did that for Tom.
She left you because you're a sniveling little bitch.
Ouch.
Bottom line Liv and Tom would never push each other.
That was so Comfortable? Was it maybe too comfortable? Yeah, yeah.
I kind of felt like I was kissing myself.
Yeah.
I really don't want to kiss myself.
No.
I'm so not into me.
No.
I want to be with someone way different.
Go get Ron.
Go get Maya.
- But if it goes bad - Yeah, fallback.
Totally.
Yeah.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Ron? Maya! Maya! Ron! Ron! [The Dodos' "Confidence" plays.]
Sun, the gentle wind behaves Son, you had to come and take A friend away Yeah.
That's more like it.
My mind is empty Hey, I know we just met tonight, but I really want to take this thing to the next level.
I love the next level.
The next level is my best friend.
Let's get there as soon as possible.
[Laughs.]
Maya! Maya! Look I don't want to watch "Zoolander" with you.
And I definitely don't want to go to the Brooklyn bridge with you, because it is extremely dangerous at night.
[Chuckles.]
I just want to go home with you.
Do you want to go home with me, too? Wow.
UmI don't Think any guy has ever just asked me that before.
Well, I'm not just any guy.
I'm a man who wants to make sweet-ass love to you.
[Laughing.]
Okay.
What do you say? Are you in or are you out? Well, I guess I'm Dude, I'm sorry you didn't find any fallbacks.
- Oh, maybe Jessica - Hey, boys.
Did you see "Avenue Q" tonight? Cut the crap, red beard! It's almost closing time, we're all looking for the same thing here.
I sincerely doubt that.
I want a threesome with two characters from "Avenue Q".
- Definitely not what I'm looking for.
- Keep going.
You'd make a good Trekkie monster - Is he the wealthy mayor of Avenue Q? - No.
He's a weirdo who's obsessed with Internet porn.
Can you please leave? Honestly, you both kinda look like puppets.
Thank you, please go! Get it.
What the costumes likes like? Miss?