Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s01e12 Episode Script
The Naked Ant
1 IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
I KNOW YOU'RE DOWN THERE.
HEY, DID YOU SEE THAT? HMM? DID YOU SEE SOMEBODY GO PAST THE WINDOW? WHAT? SOMEBODY JUST WEN PAST THE WINDOW, THAT WAY.
OH.
OH.
ANOTHER ONE.
HMM? ANOTHER ONE JUST WENT PAST DOWNWARDS.
WHAT? TWO PEOPLE HAVE JUST FALLEN OUT OF THAT WINDOW TO THEIR ALMOST CERTAIN DEATH.
FINE, FINE, FINE.
LOOK! TWO PEOPLE THREE PEOPLE HAVE JUST FALLEN PAST THAT WINDOW.
MUST BE A BOARD MEETING.
OH, YEAH.
HEY, THAT WAS WILKINS OF FINANCE.
OH, NO, THAT WAS ROBERTSON.
WILKINS.
ROBERTSON.
WILKINS.
ROBERTSON.
THAT WAS WILKINS.
THAT WAS WILKINS.
HE WAS A GOOD, UH, GOOD GOLFER, WILKINS.
VERY GOOD GOLFER, VERY GOOD GOLFER.
ROTTEN AT FINANCE.
IT'LL BE PARKINSON NEXT.
BET YOU IT WON'T.
HOW MUCH? WHAT? HOW MUCH DO YOU BET IT WON'T? FIVER? ALL RIGHT.
DONE.
YOU'RE ON.
FINE.
COME ON, PARKY.
DON'T DO IT, PARKY.
JUMP, PARKY, JUMP.
COME ON, NOW, BE SENSIBLE, PARKY.
DEAR SIR, I AM WRITING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT SKETCH ABOUT PEOPLE FALLING OUT OF A HIGH BUILDING.
I HAVE WORKED ALL MY LIFE IN SUCH A BUILDING AND HAVE NEVER ONCE PARKINSON! JOHNSON! MY GOD, THIS IS TERRIBLE! WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE STOP IT?! LORD KNOWS THAT.
LET'S TRY IT THIS WAY.
ALAKAZAM! ALACADABRA! ALAKAZAM! ALACADABRA! ALAKAZAM! ALACADABRA! ALAKAZAM! ALACADABRA HELLO! TONIGHT, SPECTRUM LOOKS AT ONE OF THE MAJOR PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD TODAY THE WHOLE VEXED QUESTION OF WHAT IS GOING ON.
IS THERE STILL TIME TO CONFRONT I LET ALONE SOLVE IT, OR IS IT TOO LATE? WHAT ARE THE FIGURES, WHAT ARE THE FACTS? WHAT DO PEOPLE MEAN WHEN THEY TALK ABOUT THINGS? ALEXANDER HARDACRE OF THE ECONOMIC AFFAIRS BUREAU.
IN THIS GRAPH THIS COLUMN REPRESENTS 23% OF THE POPULATION.
THIS COLUMN REPRESENTS 28% OF THE POPULATION AND THIS COLUMN REPRESENTS 43% OF THE POPULATION.
TELLING FIGURES INDEED, BUT WHAT DO THEY MEAN TO YOU? WHAT DO THEY MEAN TO ME? WHAT DO THEY MEAN TO THE AVERAGE MAN IN THE STREET? WITH ME NOW IS PROFESSOR TIDDLES OF LEEDS UNIVERSITY.
PROFESSOR, YOU'VE SPENT MANY YEARS RESEARCHING INTO THINGS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? I THINK IT'S TOO EARLY TO TELL.
TOO EARLY TO TELL, TOO EARLY TO SAY.
IT MEANS THE SAME THING.
THE WORD "SAY" IS THE SAME AS THE WORD "TELL.
" THEY'RE NOT SPELLED THE SAME, BUT THEY MEAN THE SAME.
IT'S AN IDENTICAL SITUATION WE HAVE WITH "SHIP" AND "BOAT" BUT NOT THE SAME AS WE HAVE WITH "BOW" AND "BOUGH" DIFFERENT SPELLINGS AND MEANINGS, BUT SOUND THE SAME.
WHAT IS THE SOLUTION, IF ANY, TO THIS PROBLEM? WHAT CAN WE DO? WHAT AM I SAYING? WHY AM I SITTING IN THIS CHAIR? WHY AM I HERE AND WHAT WILL I SAY NEXT? HERE TO ANSWER THIS IS A PROFESSIONAL CRICKETER.
I CAN SAY NOTHING AT THIS POINT.
YOU WERE WRONG.
PROFESSOR? HELLO.
HELLO.
SO, WHERE DO WE STAND? WHERE DO WE SIT? WHERE DO WE COME? WHERE DO WE GO? WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE SAY? WHAT DO WE EAT? WHAT DO WE DRINK? WHAT DO WE THINK? WHAT DO WE DO? SORRY! HELLO.
MR.
AND MRS.
JOHNSON, ISN'T IT? THAT'S RIGHT, YES.
WELL, COME ON IN.
EXCUSE ME NO SHAKING HANDS BUT I'VE JUS BEEN PUTTING A BIT OF LARD ON THE CAT'S BOIL.
VERY NICE.
WELL, YOU MUST BE TIRED.
IT'S A LONG DRIVE FROM COVENTRY, ISN'T IT? YES, WELL, WE USUALLY RECKON ON 5½ HOURS AND IT TOOK US SIX HOURS AND 53 MINUTES WITH A 25-MINUTE WAI AT FRAMPTON COTTRELL TO STRETCH OUR LEGS ONLY WE HAD TO WAI HALF AN HOUR TO GET ON TO THE M5 NEAR DROITWICH.
REALLY? THERE WAS A THREE-MILE QUEUE JUS BEFORE BRIDGWATER ON THE A38 ONLY NORMALLY WE COME ROUND ON THE B3339 JUST BEFORE BRIDGWATER, YOU SEE.
REALLY? WE RISKED I BECAUSE THEY SAY THEY'RE GOING TO WIDEN IT THERE.
ARE THEY? JUST THERE AT THE INTERSECTION WHERE THE A372 JOINS UP THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM TO WIDEN IT THERE.
THERE'S ONLY THE GRASS VERGES.
THEY COULD GE ANOTHER SIX FEE KNOCK DOWN THAT HOSPITAL.
THEN WE TOOK THE COAST ROAD THROUGH WILLITON AND GOT ALL THE TAUNTON TRAFFIC ON THE A358 FROM CROWCOMBE AND STOGUMBER.
WELL, YOU MUST BE DYING FOR A CUP OF TEA.
WELL, WOULDN'T SAY "NO," NOT IF IT'S WARM AND WET.
WELL, COME ON IN THE LOUNGE.
I'M JUST ABOUT TO SERVE AFTERNOON TEA.
VERY NICE.
COME ON IN, MR.
AND MRS.
JOHNSON.
OH, THIS IS MR.
AND MRS.
PHILLIPS.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
IT'S THEIR THIRD YEAR WITH US.
WE CAN'T KEEP YOU AWAY, CAN WE? AND OVER HERE IS MR.
HILTER.
AH, GOOD TIME, GOOD AFTERNOON.
PLANNING A LITTLE EXCURSION ARE WE, MR.
HILTER? UH, JA, JA! WE MAKE A LITTLE WAS IST RUCKWEISE BEWEGEN? "HIKE.
" HIKING.
WE MAKE A LITTLE HIKE FOR FOR BIDEFORD.
OH, WELL, YOU'LL BE WANTING THE A39 THEN.
NO, NO, YOU'VE GO THE WRONG MAP THERE.
THIS IS STALINGRAD.
YOU WAN THE ILFRACOMBE AND BARNSTAPLE SECTION.
AH, HEIN REGINALD YOU HAVE THE WRONG MAP HERE YOU SILLY OLD LEG-BEFORE-WICKE I'M SORRY, MEIN FUHRER.
I DID NOT MEIN DICKIE, OLD CHUM.
LUCKY MR.
JOHNSON POINTED THA OUT, EH? YOU WOULDN'T HAVE HAD MUCH FUN IN STALINGRAD, WOULD YOU? I SAID YOU WOULDN' HAVE HAD MUCH FUN IN STALINGRAD, WOULD YOU? NOT MUCH FUN IN STALINGRAD, NO.
OH, I'M SORRY I DIDN' INTRODUCE YOU.
THIS IS RON RON RIBBENTROP.
OH, NO VON RIBBENTROP? NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! OH NO, HE DIFFERENT OTHER CHAP.
NO, I IN SOMERSE AM BEING BORN.
VON RIBBENTROP IS BORN IN GOTTERAMMERSTRASSE 46 DUSSELDORF, WEST EIGHT SO THEY SAY! AND THIS IS THE QUIET ONE, MR.
BIMMLER.
HEIMLICH BIMMLER.
HOW DO YOU DO THERE, SQUIRE? ALSO I AM NOT MINEHEAD LAD BUT I IN PETERBOROUGH, LINCOLNSHIRE HOUSE WAS GIVEN BIRTH TO BUT STAY IN PETERBOROUGH, LINCOLNSHIRE HOUSE ALL DURING WAR, OWING TO NASTY RUNNING SORES AND WAS UNABLE TO GO IN THE STREETS PLAY FUSSBALL OR GO TO NURNBERG.
I AM RETIRED WINDOW CLEANER AND PACIFIS WITHOUT DOING WAR CRIMES.
AND AM VERY GLAD ENGLAND WIN WORLD CUP BOBBY CHARLTON AND MARTIN PETERS AND EATING LOTS OF CHIPS AND FISH AND TOAD IN THE HOLES AND DUNDEE CAKE ON PICCADILLY LINE DON'T YOU KNOW, OLD CHAP AND WAS HEAD OF GESTAPO FOR TEN YEARS FIVE YEARS! OH! NO, NO, NEIN I WAS NOT HEAD OF GESTAPO AT ALL.
I MAKE JOKE.
OH, MR.
BIMMLER YOU DO HAVE US ON.
OH, EXCUSE ME I MUST JUST GO AND ANSWER THAT.
UH, HOW LONG YOU DOWN HERE FOR, MR.
HILTER? JUST THE FORTNIGHT? WHY DO YOU ASK THAT? YOU A SPY OR SOMETHING? GET OVER THERE AGAINST THE WALL, BRITISCHER PIG.
YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.
TAKE IT EASY, DICKIE, OLD CHUM.
I'M SORRY, MR.
JOHNSON.
HE'S A BI ON EDGE.
HE HASN'T SLEP SINCE 1945.
SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLE, YOU NAZI.
COOL IT, FUHRER CAT.
THE FUN WE HAVE.
HAVEN'T I SEEN HIM ON THE TELEVISION? NICHT, NEIN, NEIN OH, NO.
TELEVISION DOCTOR? NO! NO! TELEPHONE, MR.
HILTER.
IT'S THAT NICE MR.
McGOERING FROM THE BELL AND COMPASSES.
HE SAYS HE'S FOUND A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN HIRE BOMBERS BY THE HOUR.
IF HE OPENS HIS BIG MOUTH AGAIN, IT'S LAMPSHADE TIME! SHUT UP! HIRE BOMBERS BY THE HOUR.
WHAT A LAUGH HE IS, THAT SCOTTISH PERSON! GOOD OLD NORMAN.
HE'S ON THE TELEPHONE THE WHOLE TIME NOWADAYS.
IN BUSINESS, IS HE? SOON, BABY.
COURSE, IT'S HIS BIG DAY, THURSDAY.
OH, THEY'VE BEEN PLANNING IT FOR MONTHS.
WHAT HAPPENS THEN? OH, IT'S THE NORTH MINEHEAD BY-ELECTION.
MR.
HILTER'S STANDING AS A NATIONAL BOCIALIST CANDIDATE.
HE'S GOT WONDERFUL PLANS FOR MINEHEAD.
LIKE WHAT? WELL, FOR A STAR HE WANTS TO ANNEX POLAND.
OH, NORTH MINEHEAD'S CONSERVATIVE, ISN'T IT? WELL, THEY GET A LOT OF PEOPLE AT THEIR RALLIES.
RALLIES? WELL, THEIR BOCIALIST MEETINGS DOWN AT THE AXIS CAFE IN ROSEDALE ROAD.
ACHTUNG, ACHTUNG! UBER ALLES! DIE ELTERN IM MITTELALTER UND DIE JUNGEN ALLES MUSS MIT DEM MITTELSCHMERZ GESTOPPEN SEIN! I AM NOT A RACIALIST BUT UND THIS IS A BIG "BUT" WE IN THE NATIONAL BOCIALIST PARTY BELIEVE DAS UBERLEBEN MUSS GESTAMMEN SEIN MIT DER SCHNEAKYARMSTRONG-JONES.
HISTORISCHE TAUNTON IS VOLKERMEINIG VON MEINHEAD.
MR.
HITLER HILTER HE SAYS THAT HISTORICALLY TAUNTON IS PAR OF MINEHEAD ALREADY.
HE'S RIGHT, DO YOU KNOW THAT? UND BRIDGWATER IS DIE LETZTE FUHLUNG DAS WIR HABEN IN SOMERSET! SIEG HEIL! SIEG HEIL! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MR.
HILTER'S POLICIES? WELL, I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THESE HERE BONCENTRATION BAMPS.
WELL, I GAVE HIM MY BABY TO KISS AND HE BIT IT ON THE HEAD.
WELL, I THINK HE'D DO A LO OF GOOD FOR THE STOCK EXCHANGE.
NO, NO.
OH, YES, BRITISCHER PALS HE IS WUNDERBAR FUL, JA.
I THINK HE'S RIGH ABOUT THE COONS BUT THEN I'M A BIT MENTAL.
I THINK HE'S GOT BEAUTIFUL LEGS.
WELL, SPEAKING AS CONSERVATIVE CANDIDATE I JUST DRONE ON AND ON AND ON AND ON NEVER LETTING ANYONE ELSE GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE UNTIL I START FOAMING AT THE MOUTH AND FALLING OVER BACKWARDS.
FOAM AT THE MOUTH AND FALL OVER BACKWARDS.
IS HE FOAMING AT THE MOUTH TO FALL OVER BACKWARDS OR FALLING OVER BACKWARDS TO FOAM AT THE MOUTH? TONIGHT'S SPECTRUM EXAMINES THE WHOLE QUESTION OF FROTHING AND FALLING, COUGHING AND CALLING SCREAMING AND BAWLING, WALLING AND STALLING GALLING AND MAULING, PALLING AND HAULING TRAWLING AND SQUALLING AND ZALLING.
ZALLING? IS THERE A WORD "ZALLING?" IF THERE IS, WHAT DOES IT MEAN? IF THERE ISN'T, WHAT DOES IT MEAN? PERHAPS BOTH, MAYBE NEITHER.
WHAT DO I MEAN BY THE WORD "MEAN"? WHAT DO I MEAN BY THE WORD "WORD"? WHAT DO I MEAN BY "WHAT DO I MEAN?" WHAT DO I MEAN BY "DO" AND WHAT DO I DO BY "MEAN"? WHAT DO I DO BY DO BY DO? AND WHAT DO I MEAN BY WASTING YOUR TIME LIKE THIS? GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD EVENING, I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY.
SPEAK UP, PLEASE, SIR.
I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, SIR.
I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY! THAT'S A LITTLE BIT TOO LOUD.
COULD YOU SAY I JUST A LITTLE LESS LOUD THAN THAT? I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY! NO, I'M STILL NOT GETTING ANYTHING.
UH, COULD YOU TRY I IN A HIGHER REGISTER? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IN A HIGHER REGISTER? WHAT? I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY.
THAT'S IT, WAIT A MOMENT.
NOW, A LITTLE BIT LOUDER.
I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY! REPORT A WHAT? BURGLARY!! THAT'S IT, NOW KEEP IT THERE.
HELLO, SARGE! EVENING, CHARLIE.
I WAS SITTING AT HOME WITH A FRIEND OF MINE FROM CAMBER SANDS WHEN WE HEARD A NOISE IN THE BEDROOM! WE WENT TO INVESTIGATE AND FOUND £5,000 STOLEN! WELL, I'M AFRAID I'M OFF DUTY NOW, SIR.
UH, COULD YOU TELL SERGEANT FOSTER? I WAS SITTING AT HOME WITH A FRIEND OF MINE FROM CAMBER SANDS! EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT, UH, WHY THE FUNNY VOICE? OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
I'D JUST GOT USED TO TALKING LIKE THAT TO THE OTHER SERGEANT.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, SIR.
COULD YOU TRY SPEAKING IN A LOWER REGISTER? WHAT? OH.
I WISH TO REPORT THE LOSS OF £5,000.
£5,000? THAT'S SERIOUS.
YOU'D BETTER SPEAK TO THE DETECTIVE INSPECTOR.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE, SERGEANT? WELL, THIS GENTLEMAN, SIR, HAS COME IN TO REPORT THAT HE WAS SITTING AT HOME WITH A FRIEND WHEN HE HEARD A NOISE IN THE BACK ROOM WENT ROUND TO INVESTIGATE AND FOUND THAT £5,000 IN SAVINGS HAD BEEN STOLEN.
I SEE.
WHERE DO YOU LIVE, SIR? 121 HALLIWELL ROAD, DULWICH, SE21.
121 HALLIWELL ROAD, DULWICH, SE21.
ANOTHER HALLIWELL ROAD JOB, EH, SERGEANT? YES, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I THOUGHT THE BLOKE WHO'D DONE THA WAS PUT INSIDE LAST YEAR.
YES, IN PARKHURST.
WELL, IT MUST HAVE BEEN SOMEBODY ELSE.
THANK YOU, SERGEANT.
WE'LL GET THINGS MOVING RIGHT AWAY.
YOU TAKE OVER HERE, SERGEANT.
ALERT ALL SQUAD CARS IN THE AREA.
HELLO, DARLING I'M AFRAID I SHALL BE LATE.
CALLING ALL SQUAD CARS IN THE AREA.
I THINK THAT'S IN VERY BAD TASTE.
SOME PEOPLE DO TALK IN THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY WAY.
GOOD AFTERNOON, AND WELCOME TO HURLINGHAM PARK.
YOU JOIN US JUST AS THE COMPETITORS ARE RUNNING OU ONTO THE FIELD ON THIS LOVELY WINTER'S AFTERNOON HERE WITH THE GOING FIRM UNDERFOO AND VERY LITTLE SIGN OF RAIN.
WELL, IT CERTAINLY LOOKS AS THOUGH WE'RE IN FOR A SPLENDID AFTERNOON'S SPOR IN THIS, THE 127th "UPPER-CLASS TWIT OF THE YEAR" SHOW.
WELL, THE COMPETITORS WILL BE OFF ANY MOMEN SO LET ME JUST IDENTIFY THEM FOR YOU.
VIVIAN SMITH-SMYTHE-SMITH HAS O-LEVEL IN CHEMO-HYGIENE.
SIMON-ZINC-TRUMPET-HARRIS MARRIED TO A VERY ATTRACTIVE TABLE LAMP.
NIGEL INCUBATOR-JONES HIS BEST FRIEND IS A TREE AND IN HIS SPARE TIME, HE'S A STOCKBROKER.
GERVAISE BROOK-HAMPSTER IS IN THE GUARDS AND HIS FATHER USES HIM AS A WASTEPAPER BASKET.
AND FINALLY, OLIVER ST.
JOHN- MOLLUSC, HARROW AND THE GUARDS THOUGHT BY MANY TO BE THIS YEAR'S OUTSTANDING TWIT.
NOW THEY'RE MOVING OU TO THE STARTING LINE.
THERE'S A JOLLY GOOD CROWD HERE TODAY.
NOW THEY'RE UNDER STARTER'S ORDERS AND THEY'RE OFF! OH, NO, THEY'RE NOT.
NO, THEY DIDN'T REALIZE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO START.
NEVER MIND, WE'LL SOON SORT THAT OUT.
THE JUDGE IS EXPLAINING I TO THEM NOW.
I THINK NIGEL AND GERVAISE HAVE GOT THE IDEA.
ALL SET TO GO.
OH, AND THEY'RE OFF.
AND IT'S A FAST START THIS YEAR.
OLIVER ST.
JOHN-MOLLUSC RUNNING A BIT WIDE THERE AND NOW THEY'RE COMING INTO THEIR FIRST TEST THE STRAIGHT LINE.
THEY'VE GOT TO WALK ALONG THIS STRAIGHT LINE WITHOUT FALLING OVER.
AND OLIVER'S OVER AT THE BACK THERE UH, SIMON'S COMING THROUGH QUITE FAST ON THE OUTSIDE.
I THINK SIMON AND NIGEL BOTH OF THEM COMING THROUGH VERY FAST.
THERE'S NIGEL THERE, NUMBER THREE, I'M SORRY.
AND ON THE OUTSIDE, THERE'S GERVAISE COMING THROUGH JUST OUT OF SHOT.
AND NOW, THE POSITIONS: SIMON AND VIVIAN AT THE FRON COMING TO THE MATCHBOX JUMP THREE LAYERS OF MATCHBOXES TO CLEAR.
AND SIMON'S OVER AND VIVIAN'S OVER BEAUTIFULLY.
OH, THE JUMP OF A LIFETIME IF ONLY HIS FATHER COULD UNDERSTAND.
HERE'S NIGEL HE'S CONFUSED.
NO, GERVAISE IS OVER.
HE'S, UH NIGEL IS OVER HE'S ONLY JUST HIT THE TOP.
AND NOW IT'S GERVAISE.
GERVAISE IS GOING TO JUMP.
IS IT NO, HE'S JUMPED THE WRONG WAY.
THERE HE GOES.
NIGEL'S OVER BEAUTIFULLY.
NOW IT'S ONLY OLIVER, OLIVER AND GERVAISE OH, BAD LUCK.
AND NOW IT'S "KICKING THE BEGGAR.
" SIMON'S THERE, AND HE'S PUTTING THE BOOT IN AND NOT TERRIBLY HARD BUT HE'S GOING DOWN, SO SIMON CAN MOVE ON.
NOW VIVIAN'S THERE.
VIVIAN IS THERE AND WAITING FOR A CHANCE.
HERE HE COMES.
OH, A REAL PILE DRIVER, A REAL PILE DRIVER.
AND NOW SIMON'S AT NUMBER ONE; VIVIAN, TWO; NIGEL, THREE; GERVAISE AT FOUR; AND OLIVER BRINGING UP THE REAR.
UH THERE'S OLIVER, THERE'S OLIVER NOW.
HE'S AT THE BACK.
I THINK HE'S HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH HIS OLD BRAIN IN JURY.
HE'S GOING TO HAVE A GO NO, NO, BAD LUCK.
HE'S UP, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN HE'S BEATEN, THIS BOY.
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN HE'S WINNING EITHER.
HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY SORT OF SENSORY APPARATUS KNOWN TO MAN.
HE'S NOW STANDING UP OH, BAD LUCK.
OH, THERE'S GERVAISE PUTTING THE BOOT IN THERE.
THERE'S NO NEED FOR HIM TO DO THIS.
HE'S GOT THE BEGGAR DOWN.
THE STEWARD'S GIVING HIM A LITTLE BIT OF ADVICE.
YES, HE CAN MOVE ON NOW.
HE CAN MOVE ON TO THE HUNT PHOTOGRAPH.
THERE'S GERV I THINK HE'S YES, HE'S OFF.
GERVAISE IS THERE, AND OLIVER'S STILL AT THE BACK HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE MATCHBOXES.
NOW, HERE'S THE HUNT BALL PHOTOGRAPH.
AND THE FIRST HERE IS SIMON.
HE'S GOING TO EN JOY A JOKE WITH LADY ARABELLA PLUNKETT.
SHE HOPES TO GO INTO FILMS.
AND VIVIAN'S THROUGH THERE AND NIGEL'S THERE EN JOYING A JOKE WITH LADY SARAH PENCIL FARTHING VIVIAN STEAMROLLER ADAMS PIE BISCUIT AFTERSHAVE GORE STRINGBOTTOM SMITH.
AND THERE'S AND THERE'S SIMON NOW IN THE SPORTS CAR.
HE'S REVERSED INTO THE OLD WOMAN.
HE'S CAUGHT HER ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFULLY.
NOW HE'S GOING TO ACCELERATE FORWARD THERE TO WAKE UP THE NEIGHBOR.
THERE'S VIVIAN, I THINK NO, VIVIAN'S LOST HIS KEYS NO, THERE'S VIVIAN! HE'S GOT THE OLD WOMAN, SLOWLY BUT SURELY RIGHT IN THE MIDRIFF, AND HERE HE IS.
HERE HE IS TO WAKE UP THE NEIGHBOR NOW.
SIMON RIGHT IN THE LEAD, COMFORTABLY IN THE LEAD BUT HE CAN'T GET THIS NEIGHBOR WOKEN UP.
HE'S SLAMMING AWAY THERE AS BEST HE CAN.
HE'S GETTING ABSOLUTELY NO REACTION AT ALL.
THERE! THERE, HE'S WOKEN HIM UP AND SIMON'S THROUGH.
HERE COMES VIVIAN VIVIAN TO SLAM THE DOOR.
AND THERE WE ARE BACK AT THE HUNT BALL.
I THINK THAT'S GERVAISE.
YES, THAT'S GERVAISE GOING THROUGH THERE.
AND HERE HERE COMES OLIVER, BRAVE OLIVER.
IS HE GOING TO MAKE I TO THE TABLE? NO, I DON'T THINK HE IS.
YES, HE IS.
OH! WHAT A GREAT TWIT! AND THE CROWD ARE REALLY RISING TO HIM THERE.
AND THERE, I CAN SEE WHO IS THAT THERE? YES, THAT'S NIGEL.
NIGEL HAS WOKEN THE NEIGHBOR.
MY GOD, THIS IS EXCITING! NIGEL'S VERY EXCITED, HE'S GOING THROUGH.
HERE COMES GERVAISE.
GERVAISE OH, NO, THIS IS, UH OUT IN THE FRONT THERE IS SIMON WHO IS SUPPOSED TO INSULT THE WAITER AND HE'S FORGOTTEN.
AND OLIVER HAS RUN HIMSELF OVER.
WHAT A GREAT TWIT! AND THERE NOW HERE COMES VIVIAN.
VIVIAN TO INSULT THE WAITER, AND HE IS HEAPING ABUSE ON HIM AND HE IS HUMILIATING HIM THERE.
AND HE'S GONE INTO THE LEAD.
SIMON'S NOT WITH HIM.
NO, VIVIAN'S HAS HIT THE BAR.
NOW THEY'VE GOT TO GE OVER THIS BAR.
THIS IS EXTREMELY DIFFICUL AS IT REQUIRES ABSOLUTELY EXPERT COORDINATION BETWEEN MIND AND BODY.
NO, THEY'RE HITTING IT THERE.
HERE WE GO AGAIN.
SIMON'S FALLEN BACKWARDS.
HERE'S NIGEL, AND HE'S TRIPPED.
NIGEL HAS TRIPPED, AND HE'S UNDER AND SIMON FAILS AGAIN.
NOW HERE IS GERVAISE, GOING TO JUMP THROUGH AND SIMON IS THROUGH BY ACCIDENT.
HERE'S GERVAISE TO BE THE LAST ONE OVER.
HERE WE ARE.
HERE'S NIGEL RIGHT AT THE HEAD OF THE FIELD AND NOW HE'S GOING TO SHOOT THE RABBIT.
THESE RABBITS HAVE BEEN TIED TO THE GROUND AND THEY'RE GOING TO BE A BIT FRISKY.
AND THIS IS ONLY A ONE-DAY EVENT.
AND THEY'RE BLAZING AWAY THERE.
THEY'RE NOT GETTING QUITE THE RESULTS THAT THEY MIGHT.
GERVAISE IS IN THERE TRYING TO BASH IT TO DEATH WITH THE BUTT OF HIS RIFLE.
AND I THINK NIGEL'S IN THERE WITH HIS BARE HANDS BUT THEY'RE NOT GETTING THE RESULTS THEY MIGH BUT IT IS A LITTLE BI MISTY TODAY AND THEY MUST BE SHOOTING FROM A RANGE OF AT LEAST A FOOT.
BUT THERE'S A COUPLE OF HITS THERE, I THINK.
YES, THEY'VE HAD A COUPLE OF HITS AND THE WHOLE FIELD IS UP AGAIN AND HERE THEY ARE.
THEY'RE COMING UP TO THE DEBS GERVAISE FIRST, VIVIAN SECOND, SIMON THIRD.
AND NOW THEY'VE GOT TO TAKE THE BRAS OFF FROM THE FRONT.
THIS IS REALLY DIFFICULT.
THIS IS REALLY THE MOST DIFFICULT PAR OF THE ENTIRE COMPETITION.
AND THEY'RE HAVING A BI OF TROUBLE IN THERE, I THINK.
THEY'RE REALLY TRYING NOW AND THE CROWD IS GETTING EXCITED AND I THINK SOME OF THE TWITS ARE GETTING RATHER EXCITED, TOO.
BUT ANYWAY, VIVIAN IS THERE, VIVIAN IS COMING THROUGH.
SIMON'S IN SECOND PLACE AND OH, THERE'S OLIVER.
HE'S DEAD, BUT HE'S NO NECESSARILY OUT OF IT.
THERE GOES NIGEL.
NO, HE'S LOST SOMETHING.
AND GERVAISE RUNNING THROUGH TO THIS FINAL OBSTACLE.
NOW, ALL THEY HAVE TO DO HERE TO WIN THE TITLE IS TO SHOOT THEMSELVES.
SIMON HAS A GO BAD LUCK, HE MISSES.
NIGEL MISSES.
NOW, THERE'S GERVAISE, AND GERVAISE HAS SHOT HIMSELF.
GERVAISE IS UPPER-CLASS TWI OF THE YEAR.
THERE'S NIGEL HE'S SHOT SIMON BY MISTAKE.
SIMON IS SECOND AND THERE'S NIGEL.
NIGEL'S SHOT HIMSELF.
NIGEL IS THIRD IN THIS FINE AND MOST EXCITING UPPER-CLASS TWIT OF THE YEAR I'VE EVER SEEN.
WAIT NIGEL'S CLUBBED HIMSELF INTO FOURTH PLACE.
THE UPPER-CLASS TWIT OF THE YEAR GERVAISE BROOK-HAMPSTER OF KENSINGTON AND WEYBRIDGE; RUNNER-UP VIVIAN SMITH- SMYTHE-SMITH OF KENSINGTON; AND THIRD NIGEL INCUBATOR- JONES OF HENLEY.
WELL, THERE'LL CERTAINLY BE SOME CAR DOOR SLAMMING IN THE STREETS OF KENSINGTON TONIGHT.
DEAR SIR, HOW SPLENDID IT IS TO SEE THE FLOWER OF BRITISH MANHOOD WIPING ITSELF OU WITH SUCH PLUCK AND TENACITY.
BRITAIN NEED HAVE NO FEAR WITH LEADERS OF THIS CALIBER.
IF ONLY A FEW OF THE SO-CALLED WORKING CLASSES WOULD DESTROY THEMSELVES SO SPORTINGLY.
YOURS, ETC.
BRIGADIER MAINWARING SMITH SMITH SMITH, ETC.
P.
S.
, ETC.
COME ON, OTHER RANKS, SHOW YOUR STUFF.
YES, SIR, I'LL DO ME BEST, SIR! NO, NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
NO, STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
YES, THAT'S BETTER.
OKAY, ALL CLEAR.
NOW, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WANT TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER.
THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH, YEAH.
YES, YOU REALIZE, OF COURSE THAT ROSAMUND IS STILL RATHER YOUNG? DADDY, YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A CHILD.
OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW GET THEM WHEN THEY'RE YOUNG, EH EH? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?! I'M SURE YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, MISTER UH SHABBY, KEN SHABBY.
MR.
SHABBY, I JUS WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'LL BE ABLE TO LOOK AFTER MY DAUGHTER.
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
I'LL BE ABLE TO LOOK AFTER HER, ALL RIGHT, SPORT.
EH? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, EH? AND, UH WHAT JOB DO YOU DO? I CLEAN OUT PUBLIC LAVATORIES.
IS THERE A PROMOTION INVOLVED? OH, YEAH, YEAH.
AFTER FIVE YEARS, THEY GIVE ME A BRUSH.
I'M SORRY, SQUIRE, I'VE GOBBED ON YOUR CARPET.
AND, UH WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO LIVE? WELL, ROUND AT MY GRAN'S.
SHE TRAINS POLECATS BUT MOST OF THEM HAVE SUFFOCATED SO THERE SHOULD BE A BIT OF SPARE ROOM IN THE ATTIC, EH? KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I SEE.
AND WHEN DO YOU EXPEC TO GET MARRIED? OH, RIGHT AWAY, SPORT, RIGHT AWAY, YOU KNOW? I HAVEN'T HAD IT FOR WEEKS.
WELL, LOOK, I'LL PHONE THE BISHOP AND SEE IF WE CAN GET THE ABBEY.
OH, DIARRHEA.
THE STORY SO FAR ROSAMUND'S FATHER HAS BECOME ENSNARED BY MR.
SHABBY'S EXTRAORDINARY PERSONAL MAGNETISM.
BOB AND JANET HA VE EATEN MR.
FARQUAR'S GOLDFISH DURING AN OXFAM LUNCH AND MRS.
ELSMORE'S MARRIAGE IS THREATENED BY DOUG'S INSISTENCE THAT HE IS ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL OF CONSCIOUSNESS.
LOUISE'S HERNIA HAS BEEN CONFIRMED AND JIM, BOB'S BROTHER, HAS RUN OVER THE EDITOR OF THE LANCE ON HIS WA Y TO SEE JENNY, A FREELANCE PAGODA DESIGNER.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CONTINEN NAPOLEON STILL BROODS OVER THE SMOLDERING REMAINS OF A CITY HE HAD CROSSED HALF THE EARTH TO CONQUER WHILSTMARY, ROGER'S HALF-SISTER SETTLES DOWN TO WATCH TELEVISION.
U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
I KNOW YOU'RE DOWN THERE.
HEY, DID YOU SEE THAT? HMM? DID YOU SEE SOMEBODY GO PAST THE WINDOW? WHAT? SOMEBODY JUST WEN PAST THE WINDOW, THAT WAY.
OH.
OH.
ANOTHER ONE.
HMM? ANOTHER ONE JUST WENT PAST DOWNWARDS.
WHAT? TWO PEOPLE HAVE JUST FALLEN OUT OF THAT WINDOW TO THEIR ALMOST CERTAIN DEATH.
FINE, FINE, FINE.
LOOK! TWO PEOPLE THREE PEOPLE HAVE JUST FALLEN PAST THAT WINDOW.
MUST BE A BOARD MEETING.
OH, YEAH.
HEY, THAT WAS WILKINS OF FINANCE.
OH, NO, THAT WAS ROBERTSON.
WILKINS.
ROBERTSON.
WILKINS.
ROBERTSON.
THAT WAS WILKINS.
THAT WAS WILKINS.
HE WAS A GOOD, UH, GOOD GOLFER, WILKINS.
VERY GOOD GOLFER, VERY GOOD GOLFER.
ROTTEN AT FINANCE.
IT'LL BE PARKINSON NEXT.
BET YOU IT WON'T.
HOW MUCH? WHAT? HOW MUCH DO YOU BET IT WON'T? FIVER? ALL RIGHT.
DONE.
YOU'RE ON.
FINE.
COME ON, PARKY.
DON'T DO IT, PARKY.
JUMP, PARKY, JUMP.
COME ON, NOW, BE SENSIBLE, PARKY.
DEAR SIR, I AM WRITING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT SKETCH ABOUT PEOPLE FALLING OUT OF A HIGH BUILDING.
I HAVE WORKED ALL MY LIFE IN SUCH A BUILDING AND HAVE NEVER ONCE PARKINSON! JOHNSON! MY GOD, THIS IS TERRIBLE! WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE STOP IT?! LORD KNOWS THAT.
LET'S TRY IT THIS WAY.
ALAKAZAM! ALACADABRA! ALAKAZAM! ALACADABRA! ALAKAZAM! ALACADABRA! ALAKAZAM! ALACADABRA HELLO! TONIGHT, SPECTRUM LOOKS AT ONE OF THE MAJOR PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD TODAY THE WHOLE VEXED QUESTION OF WHAT IS GOING ON.
IS THERE STILL TIME TO CONFRONT I LET ALONE SOLVE IT, OR IS IT TOO LATE? WHAT ARE THE FIGURES, WHAT ARE THE FACTS? WHAT DO PEOPLE MEAN WHEN THEY TALK ABOUT THINGS? ALEXANDER HARDACRE OF THE ECONOMIC AFFAIRS BUREAU.
IN THIS GRAPH THIS COLUMN REPRESENTS 23% OF THE POPULATION.
THIS COLUMN REPRESENTS 28% OF THE POPULATION AND THIS COLUMN REPRESENTS 43% OF THE POPULATION.
TELLING FIGURES INDEED, BUT WHAT DO THEY MEAN TO YOU? WHAT DO THEY MEAN TO ME? WHAT DO THEY MEAN TO THE AVERAGE MAN IN THE STREET? WITH ME NOW IS PROFESSOR TIDDLES OF LEEDS UNIVERSITY.
PROFESSOR, YOU'VE SPENT MANY YEARS RESEARCHING INTO THINGS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? I THINK IT'S TOO EARLY TO TELL.
TOO EARLY TO TELL, TOO EARLY TO SAY.
IT MEANS THE SAME THING.
THE WORD "SAY" IS THE SAME AS THE WORD "TELL.
" THEY'RE NOT SPELLED THE SAME, BUT THEY MEAN THE SAME.
IT'S AN IDENTICAL SITUATION WE HAVE WITH "SHIP" AND "BOAT" BUT NOT THE SAME AS WE HAVE WITH "BOW" AND "BOUGH" DIFFERENT SPELLINGS AND MEANINGS, BUT SOUND THE SAME.
WHAT IS THE SOLUTION, IF ANY, TO THIS PROBLEM? WHAT CAN WE DO? WHAT AM I SAYING? WHY AM I SITTING IN THIS CHAIR? WHY AM I HERE AND WHAT WILL I SAY NEXT? HERE TO ANSWER THIS IS A PROFESSIONAL CRICKETER.
I CAN SAY NOTHING AT THIS POINT.
YOU WERE WRONG.
PROFESSOR? HELLO.
HELLO.
SO, WHERE DO WE STAND? WHERE DO WE SIT? WHERE DO WE COME? WHERE DO WE GO? WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE SAY? WHAT DO WE EAT? WHAT DO WE DRINK? WHAT DO WE THINK? WHAT DO WE DO? SORRY! HELLO.
MR.
AND MRS.
JOHNSON, ISN'T IT? THAT'S RIGHT, YES.
WELL, COME ON IN.
EXCUSE ME NO SHAKING HANDS BUT I'VE JUS BEEN PUTTING A BIT OF LARD ON THE CAT'S BOIL.
VERY NICE.
WELL, YOU MUST BE TIRED.
IT'S A LONG DRIVE FROM COVENTRY, ISN'T IT? YES, WELL, WE USUALLY RECKON ON 5½ HOURS AND IT TOOK US SIX HOURS AND 53 MINUTES WITH A 25-MINUTE WAI AT FRAMPTON COTTRELL TO STRETCH OUR LEGS ONLY WE HAD TO WAI HALF AN HOUR TO GET ON TO THE M5 NEAR DROITWICH.
REALLY? THERE WAS A THREE-MILE QUEUE JUS BEFORE BRIDGWATER ON THE A38 ONLY NORMALLY WE COME ROUND ON THE B3339 JUST BEFORE BRIDGWATER, YOU SEE.
REALLY? WE RISKED I BECAUSE THEY SAY THEY'RE GOING TO WIDEN IT THERE.
ARE THEY? JUST THERE AT THE INTERSECTION WHERE THE A372 JOINS UP THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM TO WIDEN IT THERE.
THERE'S ONLY THE GRASS VERGES.
THEY COULD GE ANOTHER SIX FEE KNOCK DOWN THAT HOSPITAL.
THEN WE TOOK THE COAST ROAD THROUGH WILLITON AND GOT ALL THE TAUNTON TRAFFIC ON THE A358 FROM CROWCOMBE AND STOGUMBER.
WELL, YOU MUST BE DYING FOR A CUP OF TEA.
WELL, WOULDN'T SAY "NO," NOT IF IT'S WARM AND WET.
WELL, COME ON IN THE LOUNGE.
I'M JUST ABOUT TO SERVE AFTERNOON TEA.
VERY NICE.
COME ON IN, MR.
AND MRS.
JOHNSON.
OH, THIS IS MR.
AND MRS.
PHILLIPS.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
IT'S THEIR THIRD YEAR WITH US.
WE CAN'T KEEP YOU AWAY, CAN WE? AND OVER HERE IS MR.
HILTER.
AH, GOOD TIME, GOOD AFTERNOON.
PLANNING A LITTLE EXCURSION ARE WE, MR.
HILTER? UH, JA, JA! WE MAKE A LITTLE WAS IST RUCKWEISE BEWEGEN? "HIKE.
" HIKING.
WE MAKE A LITTLE HIKE FOR FOR BIDEFORD.
OH, WELL, YOU'LL BE WANTING THE A39 THEN.
NO, NO, YOU'VE GO THE WRONG MAP THERE.
THIS IS STALINGRAD.
YOU WAN THE ILFRACOMBE AND BARNSTAPLE SECTION.
AH, HEIN REGINALD YOU HAVE THE WRONG MAP HERE YOU SILLY OLD LEG-BEFORE-WICKE I'M SORRY, MEIN FUHRER.
I DID NOT MEIN DICKIE, OLD CHUM.
LUCKY MR.
JOHNSON POINTED THA OUT, EH? YOU WOULDN'T HAVE HAD MUCH FUN IN STALINGRAD, WOULD YOU? I SAID YOU WOULDN' HAVE HAD MUCH FUN IN STALINGRAD, WOULD YOU? NOT MUCH FUN IN STALINGRAD, NO.
OH, I'M SORRY I DIDN' INTRODUCE YOU.
THIS IS RON RON RIBBENTROP.
OH, NO VON RIBBENTROP? NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! OH NO, HE DIFFERENT OTHER CHAP.
NO, I IN SOMERSE AM BEING BORN.
VON RIBBENTROP IS BORN IN GOTTERAMMERSTRASSE 46 DUSSELDORF, WEST EIGHT SO THEY SAY! AND THIS IS THE QUIET ONE, MR.
BIMMLER.
HEIMLICH BIMMLER.
HOW DO YOU DO THERE, SQUIRE? ALSO I AM NOT MINEHEAD LAD BUT I IN PETERBOROUGH, LINCOLNSHIRE HOUSE WAS GIVEN BIRTH TO BUT STAY IN PETERBOROUGH, LINCOLNSHIRE HOUSE ALL DURING WAR, OWING TO NASTY RUNNING SORES AND WAS UNABLE TO GO IN THE STREETS PLAY FUSSBALL OR GO TO NURNBERG.
I AM RETIRED WINDOW CLEANER AND PACIFIS WITHOUT DOING WAR CRIMES.
AND AM VERY GLAD ENGLAND WIN WORLD CUP BOBBY CHARLTON AND MARTIN PETERS AND EATING LOTS OF CHIPS AND FISH AND TOAD IN THE HOLES AND DUNDEE CAKE ON PICCADILLY LINE DON'T YOU KNOW, OLD CHAP AND WAS HEAD OF GESTAPO FOR TEN YEARS FIVE YEARS! OH! NO, NO, NEIN I WAS NOT HEAD OF GESTAPO AT ALL.
I MAKE JOKE.
OH, MR.
BIMMLER YOU DO HAVE US ON.
OH, EXCUSE ME I MUST JUST GO AND ANSWER THAT.
UH, HOW LONG YOU DOWN HERE FOR, MR.
HILTER? JUST THE FORTNIGHT? WHY DO YOU ASK THAT? YOU A SPY OR SOMETHING? GET OVER THERE AGAINST THE WALL, BRITISCHER PIG.
YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.
TAKE IT EASY, DICKIE, OLD CHUM.
I'M SORRY, MR.
JOHNSON.
HE'S A BI ON EDGE.
HE HASN'T SLEP SINCE 1945.
SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLE, YOU NAZI.
COOL IT, FUHRER CAT.
THE FUN WE HAVE.
HAVEN'T I SEEN HIM ON THE TELEVISION? NICHT, NEIN, NEIN OH, NO.
TELEVISION DOCTOR? NO! NO! TELEPHONE, MR.
HILTER.
IT'S THAT NICE MR.
McGOERING FROM THE BELL AND COMPASSES.
HE SAYS HE'S FOUND A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN HIRE BOMBERS BY THE HOUR.
IF HE OPENS HIS BIG MOUTH AGAIN, IT'S LAMPSHADE TIME! SHUT UP! HIRE BOMBERS BY THE HOUR.
WHAT A LAUGH HE IS, THAT SCOTTISH PERSON! GOOD OLD NORMAN.
HE'S ON THE TELEPHONE THE WHOLE TIME NOWADAYS.
IN BUSINESS, IS HE? SOON, BABY.
COURSE, IT'S HIS BIG DAY, THURSDAY.
OH, THEY'VE BEEN PLANNING IT FOR MONTHS.
WHAT HAPPENS THEN? OH, IT'S THE NORTH MINEHEAD BY-ELECTION.
MR.
HILTER'S STANDING AS A NATIONAL BOCIALIST CANDIDATE.
HE'S GOT WONDERFUL PLANS FOR MINEHEAD.
LIKE WHAT? WELL, FOR A STAR HE WANTS TO ANNEX POLAND.
OH, NORTH MINEHEAD'S CONSERVATIVE, ISN'T IT? WELL, THEY GET A LOT OF PEOPLE AT THEIR RALLIES.
RALLIES? WELL, THEIR BOCIALIST MEETINGS DOWN AT THE AXIS CAFE IN ROSEDALE ROAD.
ACHTUNG, ACHTUNG! UBER ALLES! DIE ELTERN IM MITTELALTER UND DIE JUNGEN ALLES MUSS MIT DEM MITTELSCHMERZ GESTOPPEN SEIN! I AM NOT A RACIALIST BUT UND THIS IS A BIG "BUT" WE IN THE NATIONAL BOCIALIST PARTY BELIEVE DAS UBERLEBEN MUSS GESTAMMEN SEIN MIT DER SCHNEAKYARMSTRONG-JONES.
HISTORISCHE TAUNTON IS VOLKERMEINIG VON MEINHEAD.
MR.
HITLER HILTER HE SAYS THAT HISTORICALLY TAUNTON IS PAR OF MINEHEAD ALREADY.
HE'S RIGHT, DO YOU KNOW THAT? UND BRIDGWATER IS DIE LETZTE FUHLUNG DAS WIR HABEN IN SOMERSET! SIEG HEIL! SIEG HEIL! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MR.
HILTER'S POLICIES? WELL, I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THESE HERE BONCENTRATION BAMPS.
WELL, I GAVE HIM MY BABY TO KISS AND HE BIT IT ON THE HEAD.
WELL, I THINK HE'D DO A LO OF GOOD FOR THE STOCK EXCHANGE.
NO, NO.
OH, YES, BRITISCHER PALS HE IS WUNDERBAR FUL, JA.
I THINK HE'S RIGH ABOUT THE COONS BUT THEN I'M A BIT MENTAL.
I THINK HE'S GOT BEAUTIFUL LEGS.
WELL, SPEAKING AS CONSERVATIVE CANDIDATE I JUST DRONE ON AND ON AND ON AND ON NEVER LETTING ANYONE ELSE GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE UNTIL I START FOAMING AT THE MOUTH AND FALLING OVER BACKWARDS.
FOAM AT THE MOUTH AND FALL OVER BACKWARDS.
IS HE FOAMING AT THE MOUTH TO FALL OVER BACKWARDS OR FALLING OVER BACKWARDS TO FOAM AT THE MOUTH? TONIGHT'S SPECTRUM EXAMINES THE WHOLE QUESTION OF FROTHING AND FALLING, COUGHING AND CALLING SCREAMING AND BAWLING, WALLING AND STALLING GALLING AND MAULING, PALLING AND HAULING TRAWLING AND SQUALLING AND ZALLING.
ZALLING? IS THERE A WORD "ZALLING?" IF THERE IS, WHAT DOES IT MEAN? IF THERE ISN'T, WHAT DOES IT MEAN? PERHAPS BOTH, MAYBE NEITHER.
WHAT DO I MEAN BY THE WORD "MEAN"? WHAT DO I MEAN BY THE WORD "WORD"? WHAT DO I MEAN BY "WHAT DO I MEAN?" WHAT DO I MEAN BY "DO" AND WHAT DO I DO BY "MEAN"? WHAT DO I DO BY DO BY DO? AND WHAT DO I MEAN BY WASTING YOUR TIME LIKE THIS? GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD EVENING, I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY.
SPEAK UP, PLEASE, SIR.
I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, SIR.
I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY! THAT'S A LITTLE BIT TOO LOUD.
COULD YOU SAY I JUST A LITTLE LESS LOUD THAN THAT? I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY! NO, I'M STILL NOT GETTING ANYTHING.
UH, COULD YOU TRY I IN A HIGHER REGISTER? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IN A HIGHER REGISTER? WHAT? I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY.
THAT'S IT, WAIT A MOMENT.
NOW, A LITTLE BIT LOUDER.
I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY! REPORT A WHAT? BURGLARY!! THAT'S IT, NOW KEEP IT THERE.
HELLO, SARGE! EVENING, CHARLIE.
I WAS SITTING AT HOME WITH A FRIEND OF MINE FROM CAMBER SANDS WHEN WE HEARD A NOISE IN THE BEDROOM! WE WENT TO INVESTIGATE AND FOUND £5,000 STOLEN! WELL, I'M AFRAID I'M OFF DUTY NOW, SIR.
UH, COULD YOU TELL SERGEANT FOSTER? I WAS SITTING AT HOME WITH A FRIEND OF MINE FROM CAMBER SANDS! EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT, UH, WHY THE FUNNY VOICE? OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
I'D JUST GOT USED TO TALKING LIKE THAT TO THE OTHER SERGEANT.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, SIR.
COULD YOU TRY SPEAKING IN A LOWER REGISTER? WHAT? OH.
I WISH TO REPORT THE LOSS OF £5,000.
£5,000? THAT'S SERIOUS.
YOU'D BETTER SPEAK TO THE DETECTIVE INSPECTOR.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE, SERGEANT? WELL, THIS GENTLEMAN, SIR, HAS COME IN TO REPORT THAT HE WAS SITTING AT HOME WITH A FRIEND WHEN HE HEARD A NOISE IN THE BACK ROOM WENT ROUND TO INVESTIGATE AND FOUND THAT £5,000 IN SAVINGS HAD BEEN STOLEN.
I SEE.
WHERE DO YOU LIVE, SIR? 121 HALLIWELL ROAD, DULWICH, SE21.
121 HALLIWELL ROAD, DULWICH, SE21.
ANOTHER HALLIWELL ROAD JOB, EH, SERGEANT? YES, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I THOUGHT THE BLOKE WHO'D DONE THA WAS PUT INSIDE LAST YEAR.
YES, IN PARKHURST.
WELL, IT MUST HAVE BEEN SOMEBODY ELSE.
THANK YOU, SERGEANT.
WE'LL GET THINGS MOVING RIGHT AWAY.
YOU TAKE OVER HERE, SERGEANT.
ALERT ALL SQUAD CARS IN THE AREA.
HELLO, DARLING I'M AFRAID I SHALL BE LATE.
CALLING ALL SQUAD CARS IN THE AREA.
I THINK THAT'S IN VERY BAD TASTE.
SOME PEOPLE DO TALK IN THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY WAY.
GOOD AFTERNOON, AND WELCOME TO HURLINGHAM PARK.
YOU JOIN US JUST AS THE COMPETITORS ARE RUNNING OU ONTO THE FIELD ON THIS LOVELY WINTER'S AFTERNOON HERE WITH THE GOING FIRM UNDERFOO AND VERY LITTLE SIGN OF RAIN.
WELL, IT CERTAINLY LOOKS AS THOUGH WE'RE IN FOR A SPLENDID AFTERNOON'S SPOR IN THIS, THE 127th "UPPER-CLASS TWIT OF THE YEAR" SHOW.
WELL, THE COMPETITORS WILL BE OFF ANY MOMEN SO LET ME JUST IDENTIFY THEM FOR YOU.
VIVIAN SMITH-SMYTHE-SMITH HAS O-LEVEL IN CHEMO-HYGIENE.
SIMON-ZINC-TRUMPET-HARRIS MARRIED TO A VERY ATTRACTIVE TABLE LAMP.
NIGEL INCUBATOR-JONES HIS BEST FRIEND IS A TREE AND IN HIS SPARE TIME, HE'S A STOCKBROKER.
GERVAISE BROOK-HAMPSTER IS IN THE GUARDS AND HIS FATHER USES HIM AS A WASTEPAPER BASKET.
AND FINALLY, OLIVER ST.
JOHN- MOLLUSC, HARROW AND THE GUARDS THOUGHT BY MANY TO BE THIS YEAR'S OUTSTANDING TWIT.
NOW THEY'RE MOVING OU TO THE STARTING LINE.
THERE'S A JOLLY GOOD CROWD HERE TODAY.
NOW THEY'RE UNDER STARTER'S ORDERS AND THEY'RE OFF! OH, NO, THEY'RE NOT.
NO, THEY DIDN'T REALIZE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO START.
NEVER MIND, WE'LL SOON SORT THAT OUT.
THE JUDGE IS EXPLAINING I TO THEM NOW.
I THINK NIGEL AND GERVAISE HAVE GOT THE IDEA.
ALL SET TO GO.
OH, AND THEY'RE OFF.
AND IT'S A FAST START THIS YEAR.
OLIVER ST.
JOHN-MOLLUSC RUNNING A BIT WIDE THERE AND NOW THEY'RE COMING INTO THEIR FIRST TEST THE STRAIGHT LINE.
THEY'VE GOT TO WALK ALONG THIS STRAIGHT LINE WITHOUT FALLING OVER.
AND OLIVER'S OVER AT THE BACK THERE UH, SIMON'S COMING THROUGH QUITE FAST ON THE OUTSIDE.
I THINK SIMON AND NIGEL BOTH OF THEM COMING THROUGH VERY FAST.
THERE'S NIGEL THERE, NUMBER THREE, I'M SORRY.
AND ON THE OUTSIDE, THERE'S GERVAISE COMING THROUGH JUST OUT OF SHOT.
AND NOW, THE POSITIONS: SIMON AND VIVIAN AT THE FRON COMING TO THE MATCHBOX JUMP THREE LAYERS OF MATCHBOXES TO CLEAR.
AND SIMON'S OVER AND VIVIAN'S OVER BEAUTIFULLY.
OH, THE JUMP OF A LIFETIME IF ONLY HIS FATHER COULD UNDERSTAND.
HERE'S NIGEL HE'S CONFUSED.
NO, GERVAISE IS OVER.
HE'S, UH NIGEL IS OVER HE'S ONLY JUST HIT THE TOP.
AND NOW IT'S GERVAISE.
GERVAISE IS GOING TO JUMP.
IS IT NO, HE'S JUMPED THE WRONG WAY.
THERE HE GOES.
NIGEL'S OVER BEAUTIFULLY.
NOW IT'S ONLY OLIVER, OLIVER AND GERVAISE OH, BAD LUCK.
AND NOW IT'S "KICKING THE BEGGAR.
" SIMON'S THERE, AND HE'S PUTTING THE BOOT IN AND NOT TERRIBLY HARD BUT HE'S GOING DOWN, SO SIMON CAN MOVE ON.
NOW VIVIAN'S THERE.
VIVIAN IS THERE AND WAITING FOR A CHANCE.
HERE HE COMES.
OH, A REAL PILE DRIVER, A REAL PILE DRIVER.
AND NOW SIMON'S AT NUMBER ONE; VIVIAN, TWO; NIGEL, THREE; GERVAISE AT FOUR; AND OLIVER BRINGING UP THE REAR.
UH THERE'S OLIVER, THERE'S OLIVER NOW.
HE'S AT THE BACK.
I THINK HE'S HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH HIS OLD BRAIN IN JURY.
HE'S GOING TO HAVE A GO NO, NO, BAD LUCK.
HE'S UP, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN HE'S BEATEN, THIS BOY.
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN HE'S WINNING EITHER.
HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY SORT OF SENSORY APPARATUS KNOWN TO MAN.
HE'S NOW STANDING UP OH, BAD LUCK.
OH, THERE'S GERVAISE PUTTING THE BOOT IN THERE.
THERE'S NO NEED FOR HIM TO DO THIS.
HE'S GOT THE BEGGAR DOWN.
THE STEWARD'S GIVING HIM A LITTLE BIT OF ADVICE.
YES, HE CAN MOVE ON NOW.
HE CAN MOVE ON TO THE HUNT PHOTOGRAPH.
THERE'S GERV I THINK HE'S YES, HE'S OFF.
GERVAISE IS THERE, AND OLIVER'S STILL AT THE BACK HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE MATCHBOXES.
NOW, HERE'S THE HUNT BALL PHOTOGRAPH.
AND THE FIRST HERE IS SIMON.
HE'S GOING TO EN JOY A JOKE WITH LADY ARABELLA PLUNKETT.
SHE HOPES TO GO INTO FILMS.
AND VIVIAN'S THROUGH THERE AND NIGEL'S THERE EN JOYING A JOKE WITH LADY SARAH PENCIL FARTHING VIVIAN STEAMROLLER ADAMS PIE BISCUIT AFTERSHAVE GORE STRINGBOTTOM SMITH.
AND THERE'S AND THERE'S SIMON NOW IN THE SPORTS CAR.
HE'S REVERSED INTO THE OLD WOMAN.
HE'S CAUGHT HER ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFULLY.
NOW HE'S GOING TO ACCELERATE FORWARD THERE TO WAKE UP THE NEIGHBOR.
THERE'S VIVIAN, I THINK NO, VIVIAN'S LOST HIS KEYS NO, THERE'S VIVIAN! HE'S GOT THE OLD WOMAN, SLOWLY BUT SURELY RIGHT IN THE MIDRIFF, AND HERE HE IS.
HERE HE IS TO WAKE UP THE NEIGHBOR NOW.
SIMON RIGHT IN THE LEAD, COMFORTABLY IN THE LEAD BUT HE CAN'T GET THIS NEIGHBOR WOKEN UP.
HE'S SLAMMING AWAY THERE AS BEST HE CAN.
HE'S GETTING ABSOLUTELY NO REACTION AT ALL.
THERE! THERE, HE'S WOKEN HIM UP AND SIMON'S THROUGH.
HERE COMES VIVIAN VIVIAN TO SLAM THE DOOR.
AND THERE WE ARE BACK AT THE HUNT BALL.
I THINK THAT'S GERVAISE.
YES, THAT'S GERVAISE GOING THROUGH THERE.
AND HERE HERE COMES OLIVER, BRAVE OLIVER.
IS HE GOING TO MAKE I TO THE TABLE? NO, I DON'T THINK HE IS.
YES, HE IS.
OH! WHAT A GREAT TWIT! AND THE CROWD ARE REALLY RISING TO HIM THERE.
AND THERE, I CAN SEE WHO IS THAT THERE? YES, THAT'S NIGEL.
NIGEL HAS WOKEN THE NEIGHBOR.
MY GOD, THIS IS EXCITING! NIGEL'S VERY EXCITED, HE'S GOING THROUGH.
HERE COMES GERVAISE.
GERVAISE OH, NO, THIS IS, UH OUT IN THE FRONT THERE IS SIMON WHO IS SUPPOSED TO INSULT THE WAITER AND HE'S FORGOTTEN.
AND OLIVER HAS RUN HIMSELF OVER.
WHAT A GREAT TWIT! AND THERE NOW HERE COMES VIVIAN.
VIVIAN TO INSULT THE WAITER, AND HE IS HEAPING ABUSE ON HIM AND HE IS HUMILIATING HIM THERE.
AND HE'S GONE INTO THE LEAD.
SIMON'S NOT WITH HIM.
NO, VIVIAN'S HAS HIT THE BAR.
NOW THEY'VE GOT TO GE OVER THIS BAR.
THIS IS EXTREMELY DIFFICUL AS IT REQUIRES ABSOLUTELY EXPERT COORDINATION BETWEEN MIND AND BODY.
NO, THEY'RE HITTING IT THERE.
HERE WE GO AGAIN.
SIMON'S FALLEN BACKWARDS.
HERE'S NIGEL, AND HE'S TRIPPED.
NIGEL HAS TRIPPED, AND HE'S UNDER AND SIMON FAILS AGAIN.
NOW HERE IS GERVAISE, GOING TO JUMP THROUGH AND SIMON IS THROUGH BY ACCIDENT.
HERE'S GERVAISE TO BE THE LAST ONE OVER.
HERE WE ARE.
HERE'S NIGEL RIGHT AT THE HEAD OF THE FIELD AND NOW HE'S GOING TO SHOOT THE RABBIT.
THESE RABBITS HAVE BEEN TIED TO THE GROUND AND THEY'RE GOING TO BE A BIT FRISKY.
AND THIS IS ONLY A ONE-DAY EVENT.
AND THEY'RE BLAZING AWAY THERE.
THEY'RE NOT GETTING QUITE THE RESULTS THAT THEY MIGHT.
GERVAISE IS IN THERE TRYING TO BASH IT TO DEATH WITH THE BUTT OF HIS RIFLE.
AND I THINK NIGEL'S IN THERE WITH HIS BARE HANDS BUT THEY'RE NOT GETTING THE RESULTS THEY MIGH BUT IT IS A LITTLE BI MISTY TODAY AND THEY MUST BE SHOOTING FROM A RANGE OF AT LEAST A FOOT.
BUT THERE'S A COUPLE OF HITS THERE, I THINK.
YES, THEY'VE HAD A COUPLE OF HITS AND THE WHOLE FIELD IS UP AGAIN AND HERE THEY ARE.
THEY'RE COMING UP TO THE DEBS GERVAISE FIRST, VIVIAN SECOND, SIMON THIRD.
AND NOW THEY'VE GOT TO TAKE THE BRAS OFF FROM THE FRONT.
THIS IS REALLY DIFFICULT.
THIS IS REALLY THE MOST DIFFICULT PAR OF THE ENTIRE COMPETITION.
AND THEY'RE HAVING A BI OF TROUBLE IN THERE, I THINK.
THEY'RE REALLY TRYING NOW AND THE CROWD IS GETTING EXCITED AND I THINK SOME OF THE TWITS ARE GETTING RATHER EXCITED, TOO.
BUT ANYWAY, VIVIAN IS THERE, VIVIAN IS COMING THROUGH.
SIMON'S IN SECOND PLACE AND OH, THERE'S OLIVER.
HE'S DEAD, BUT HE'S NO NECESSARILY OUT OF IT.
THERE GOES NIGEL.
NO, HE'S LOST SOMETHING.
AND GERVAISE RUNNING THROUGH TO THIS FINAL OBSTACLE.
NOW, ALL THEY HAVE TO DO HERE TO WIN THE TITLE IS TO SHOOT THEMSELVES.
SIMON HAS A GO BAD LUCK, HE MISSES.
NIGEL MISSES.
NOW, THERE'S GERVAISE, AND GERVAISE HAS SHOT HIMSELF.
GERVAISE IS UPPER-CLASS TWI OF THE YEAR.
THERE'S NIGEL HE'S SHOT SIMON BY MISTAKE.
SIMON IS SECOND AND THERE'S NIGEL.
NIGEL'S SHOT HIMSELF.
NIGEL IS THIRD IN THIS FINE AND MOST EXCITING UPPER-CLASS TWIT OF THE YEAR I'VE EVER SEEN.
WAIT NIGEL'S CLUBBED HIMSELF INTO FOURTH PLACE.
THE UPPER-CLASS TWIT OF THE YEAR GERVAISE BROOK-HAMPSTER OF KENSINGTON AND WEYBRIDGE; RUNNER-UP VIVIAN SMITH- SMYTHE-SMITH OF KENSINGTON; AND THIRD NIGEL INCUBATOR- JONES OF HENLEY.
WELL, THERE'LL CERTAINLY BE SOME CAR DOOR SLAMMING IN THE STREETS OF KENSINGTON TONIGHT.
DEAR SIR, HOW SPLENDID IT IS TO SEE THE FLOWER OF BRITISH MANHOOD WIPING ITSELF OU WITH SUCH PLUCK AND TENACITY.
BRITAIN NEED HAVE NO FEAR WITH LEADERS OF THIS CALIBER.
IF ONLY A FEW OF THE SO-CALLED WORKING CLASSES WOULD DESTROY THEMSELVES SO SPORTINGLY.
YOURS, ETC.
BRIGADIER MAINWARING SMITH SMITH SMITH, ETC.
P.
S.
, ETC.
COME ON, OTHER RANKS, SHOW YOUR STUFF.
YES, SIR, I'LL DO ME BEST, SIR! NO, NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
NO, STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
YES, THAT'S BETTER.
OKAY, ALL CLEAR.
NOW, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WANT TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER.
THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH, YEAH.
YES, YOU REALIZE, OF COURSE THAT ROSAMUND IS STILL RATHER YOUNG? DADDY, YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A CHILD.
OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW GET THEM WHEN THEY'RE YOUNG, EH EH? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?! I'M SURE YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, MISTER UH SHABBY, KEN SHABBY.
MR.
SHABBY, I JUS WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'LL BE ABLE TO LOOK AFTER MY DAUGHTER.
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
I'LL BE ABLE TO LOOK AFTER HER, ALL RIGHT, SPORT.
EH? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, EH? AND, UH WHAT JOB DO YOU DO? I CLEAN OUT PUBLIC LAVATORIES.
IS THERE A PROMOTION INVOLVED? OH, YEAH, YEAH.
AFTER FIVE YEARS, THEY GIVE ME A BRUSH.
I'M SORRY, SQUIRE, I'VE GOBBED ON YOUR CARPET.
AND, UH WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO LIVE? WELL, ROUND AT MY GRAN'S.
SHE TRAINS POLECATS BUT MOST OF THEM HAVE SUFFOCATED SO THERE SHOULD BE A BIT OF SPARE ROOM IN THE ATTIC, EH? KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I SEE.
AND WHEN DO YOU EXPEC TO GET MARRIED? OH, RIGHT AWAY, SPORT, RIGHT AWAY, YOU KNOW? I HAVEN'T HAD IT FOR WEEKS.
WELL, LOOK, I'LL PHONE THE BISHOP AND SEE IF WE CAN GET THE ABBEY.
OH, DIARRHEA.
THE STORY SO FAR ROSAMUND'S FATHER HAS BECOME ENSNARED BY MR.
SHABBY'S EXTRAORDINARY PERSONAL MAGNETISM.
BOB AND JANET HA VE EATEN MR.
FARQUAR'S GOLDFISH DURING AN OXFAM LUNCH AND MRS.
ELSMORE'S MARRIAGE IS THREATENED BY DOUG'S INSISTENCE THAT HE IS ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL OF CONSCIOUSNESS.
LOUISE'S HERNIA HAS BEEN CONFIRMED AND JIM, BOB'S BROTHER, HAS RUN OVER THE EDITOR OF THE LANCE ON HIS WA Y TO SEE JENNY, A FREELANCE PAGODA DESIGNER.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CONTINEN NAPOLEON STILL BROODS OVER THE SMOLDERING REMAINS OF A CITY HE HAD CROSSED HALF THE EARTH TO CONQUER WHILSTMARY, ROGER'S HALF-SISTER SETTLES DOWN TO WATCH TELEVISION.