Mother Up (2013) s01e12 Episode Script

1 She was a high-class queen of the music biz Covered in bling, 'bout to make it big A couple of kids, a dream deferred Goodbye big city, hello to the 'burbs Hello to the 'burbs Things are gettin' rough And life is gettin' tough These kids are drivin' me crazy I got to Mother Up! 1x12 - "The Prophet Apple" - Fergus, where did you get that? - From the candy pirate! Fergus, what did I tell you about stranger danger?? Stranger danger! Stranger danger! Stranger danger! Stranger danger! Stranger danger! Stranger danger! What the hell is stranger danger? You haven't had "the talk" with Apple and Dick? Of course I have - Mom, what's sex? - When two people love each other or are drunk and they make terrible mistakes with their bodies.
I made a sex! No, not that talk.
The one about how talking to strangers is incredibly dangerous and kids should never do it.
What if you're really, really hungry and the stranger is a waiter? Ha! Checkmate.
Your kid just starved to death.
I hope you're happy.
Stranger danger is real.
Oh, come on, Fergy.
Why can't I talk to strangers? Because sometimes they turn out to be murderers and sometimes they turn out to be something worse like whimsical or Mormon.
Look, it's very simple.
Every stranger in the world wants to hurt you, kidnap you or feed you to the half-human half-pig he's got chained in the basement.
Good talk! Here's some mace.
Hey, Apple - I don't understand what's happening! - I'm blind! Mom.
Help.
Everything is so confusing.
My life is ruined.
Dick, relax.
It's temporary.
Try to enjoy it.
Ooh, maybe you can play the sympathy card and get out of some homework.
Plus you won't be able to see the strangers coming for you.
And they are coming, Dick.
They're everywhere.
Remind me to thank Sarah for the excellent parenting advice.
Maybe you should leave yourself a voicemail since Dick and I probably won't survive the day.
Apple, I may have exaggerated the danger of strangers.
Statistically speaking most people are murdered by someone they know.
Oh, sorry Rudi! Did you want this spot? Looks like the early bird gets the worm! And by worm she means the best parking spot.
Which is this one.
In case you didn't get that.
It took me a while too.
Okay, Dick.
Anyone asks, tell them you drove.
Stranger! Stranger! Am I dead? Am I being murdered? Is it over yet? Where there is music there is light.
I read that on the back of a menu.
Oh, hello, Gregory.
It's good to see you.
I've got to stop saying that.
I'm sorry to hear you've caught blindness.
The kids at school aren't very sensitive to my new condition.
Come on, dork.
My arms are killing me.
Their intolerance opened my eyes.
Ugh, gotta stop that! So I have decided to dedicate my life to helping the visually impaired by proving that I can do anything anyone else can.
And I see you've turned to music just like the founding fathers of blindness.
Oh, you "see", do you? We have so far to go.
Say, uh, I have something that might take your mind off music! The Mayans used to carry braille books around with them because ground ferrets would sometimes steal their eyes.
- Wow, really? - Sadly, yes, and that's why their culture no longer exists.
They all fell off a cliff chasing ferrets trying to get their eyes back.
I hope that helps.
Good morning, Annie! What a beautiful day! Crushed by the thing she loved most: Music.
It's not just strangers, mommy! It's everything! The whole world is trying to get me! Scared of dogs scared of water scared of baptists A-ha! Scared of everything.
There, there, everything will be fine.
Is everything okay? Apple missed her play date.
Yeah, about that.
I kinda can't find her.
What!? She's not lost-lost.
She's somewhere in the house.
Besides, this is all your fault! She's been acting crazy ever since you told her - the world is out to get her! - I never said that! Have you tried looking in her room? That's a lot of stairs.
If she's up there she'll come down when she's hungry.
I mean what kind of mother would I be if I didn't do that right now? Apple? Apple, come out from under there.
You're not going to get murdered.
Uh, Rudi? Fine.
Come on, Apple.
You can hang out with me and I'll make sure nothing bad happens.
I really gotta find a better place for that.
Who's in the mood for some blind amateur magic? If we don't move, he might not hear us.
Now, give a hand to the Majestic Dick.
Please tell me you printed fliers.
Get ready to be amazed! Abra-ca-Dick-bra! Ugh! Did someone just crap their pants? I was that good? I'm going to be rich! Apple, go play with your friends! It's Saturday! I can't go outside.
Murderers and music will kill me.
Nothing is going to hurt you.
- Unnh! - Uggh! Damn your super strong infant body! Remind me to stop buying milk.
Weeeeee! Outside is the greatest! Are you wearing a bra? Agh! Animals are the best and not at all diseased! I can't wait to pet all of them.
Or something.
Hey, Apple.
I'm going outside to have tea with Dolly and Mr.
Bear.
You should come.
They're starting to talk about you behind your back.
- No! - Suit yourself.
Apple, Apple! I'm going to find you! See? Everything's fine.
I did it! Thanks for making me.
I really missed outside.
Yay! Okay, maybe the world is a tiny bit dangerous.
She's not hurt, right? At least not bad enough to win any kind of lawsuit? I'm happy I got lightninged.
I went outside and something really bad happened and I'm okay! That means bad things can't hurt me! Probably best not to apply five-year-old logic to this one.
She's right.
Couple days, bing bang boom, good as new.
- Well, you're not helping.
- My uncle got struck by lightning once.
Now he licks things whether they want to be licked or not.
Gasp! Kid's got la marca de la luz! - What? What'd we lose? - No.
La Marca de la Luz! The mark of light! Big deal.
My uncle had a mark of light once.
But he licked it and it went away.
Boom! You're the chosen one! All hail! Clap, clap.
That kind of thing.
Gift from the one who chooses.
Mmmm.
Era of great light on its way! I'm not worthy.
Okay.
Well, thanks for sucking the filth off my kid's feet.
- How much do I owe you? - No! Us pay you! Aaaah! Allowed to be in her presence! Huhhhhh! Healed and stuff! The chosen one doesn't do knock-offs.
Can she have cash instead? Cool.
Hey, make sure you tell all your friends, especially the rich ones, the chosen one lives here.
You again! You're trespassing.
Finish off what you're doing and then get the hell off my lawn.
Anything for the home of the chosen one! What?? Hmmm.
Oh, no! The one percent is all gone.
Oh! But that's the only kind of milk the chosen one drinks.
Oh! Here! Here! Take it! What am I even doing in this grocery store? Oh, god I'm in your way! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
Ahem! Miracle child coming through.
Make room.
Watch as the majestic Dick makes this card disappear! You're so brave doing that as a visually impaired person.
Thank you for seeing that.
Aaah, seeing What's that like? Will you do another trick for me? Sure.
But can you help me off of this crate first? Heights are kinda my kryptonite.
Thank you.
I thought I was going to have to sit in there forever.
Well, diva mode didn't take too long.
- There she is! - Look at her! Please accept this drawing of your mom not wearing a bra.
Let me know if she likes it.
Thank you, my child.
Your creepy contribution has been noted.
And I offer you the gift of flight! Agh! Also, these are for you.
If you need me I'll be inside organizing my fan mail.
Hey, Rudi.
Heard you have a miracle child.
You must be doing something right.
Yep, mother of the chosen one.
But your kid made the soccer team so you've got that to cling to.
You know Rudi, exploiting the beliefs of innocent people isn't something most people would be proud of.
I'm not most people.
Besides, the rest of the town loves me.
Sooner or later you're going to have to prove she's really the "chosen one" whether you want to or someone makes you.
Yikes, what was that about? She's making people doubt that Apple's a god.
- Umm She sort of isn't.
- What are you a scientist? We don't know that for sure.
Dick, how do you feel about putting on a little show? I'd love to.
Once the world sees my magic they will no longer doubt the abilities of blind people.
Augh! Is this going to take long? I've scheduled a massage with one of my followers at nine.
What?? Relax, Mommy.
I'll see if she can fit you in too.
Just remember the plan: Convince these knuckle-draggers you're magic so the free stuff keeps rolling in.
Well, maybe I am a little bit magic.
When most people get hit by lightning they don't get one of these.
They just croak.
Or crap their pants.
Or both.
Okay.
I'm going to assume you're getting into character.
It's show time! Shhh! Ladies and gentlemen: the majestic differently-sighted Dick! And with him: the chosen one! The chosen one will now allow me to make her disappear! Cinco de Mayo, make Apple go bye-o! There she is! Told ya! It's a miracle! What?? Are you people crazy? This isn't a miracle.
She just crawled out from behind the box! She dares question the chosen one? It has been commanded she must be converted! Whosoever doth so.
.
do that.
.
thing will get a prize! Go! Something I love better be on fire! Ugh! Don't you have your own house to be annoying in? Technically, yes, but your so-called miracle daughter's "followers" won't stop following me around trying to convert me.
Two of them broke into my house and got in the shower with me.
Yeah, I might have told them conversion works best when people are surprised in bathrooms.
I called the cops, but they called me Judas and disconnected my phone.
I can't live like this.
Call them off! I'd love to but that's really up to the chosen one.
There is no chosen one! Okay, Jenny.
If you really want my help, you have to do exactly as I say.
- Well, depending on what - Exactly.
As.
I.
Say.
Attention, everyone! I have something to say.
I of course believe in the healing powers of the chosen one and am fully committed to living my life according to her plan.
Prove it! What? How? Why not give the clothes off your back to someone in need? Yeah! I'm not going to take my clothes off! That is ridiculous! Oh! Looks like she's not ready to convert yet, everyone.
We'll all just have to try harder to make her a believer.
Ah.
Fine! Fine.
If that's what it will take to get my life back.
She's gonna do it! We can trade! I only soiled it once! Happy? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast, Sinner-ella.
You really think you're going to get off that easy? I'm wearing a cloak soaked with urine.
I'm literally wearing a pee-coat.
What's that, Jenny? You want to help spread the word of the chosen one and get to know all of her other cool followers? What?? No! We can make friendship bracelets and give each other breast exams.
This isn't over, Rudi.
Hmm.
Ahh, Jenny's miserable crazy people all gone seems over to me.
Daughter of light, tell us of our futures! Look into the cookie of fortunes.
All will be revealed.
Thank you, thank you.
What the hell's going on out here? Why are there a bunch of "the passion of the Christ" extrasrecking my grass? Jenny has been very helpful recruiting new followers.
Jenny did this? Okay, all of you need to leave before I call pest control! No! Lightning made me special! It's real, that's why they're all here! They see it but you don't! Maybe you're the unbeliever! All right, enough is enough.
We got a lot of free stuff, had some fun at Jenny's expense, but playtime is over! - Take her away! - What? Unh! She isn't the - You! - Hey, Rudi! Looks like I'm pretty good at getting new followers, huh? Great.
Make them follow you into a wood chipper.
Well, being grumpy is no way for a hostess to behave.
You need to undo everything and get these gross people off my lawn.
I'd love to help you out but I'm just really committed to this new journey I'm on.
You forgot, I'm an excellent organizer.
Apple's all over social media now.
Word's out and if I'm right, which I am, there's going to be a few hundred people from across the country making a pilgrimage to see her.
You and I both know Apple is just a normal kid.
Not to them.
So little faith, and in your own daughter.
Bye-bye, Rudi.
Have fun.
The time has come for the chosen one to prove herself.
What?? That's right, everyone! The chosen one will perform her first miracle right now, for all of you to see! No.
Heal someone, chosen one, like that leper over there.
Daddy needs a new pair of ears! Okay, fine.
No problem.
I can do that.
This child isn't a healer! She bears the mark of death! La marca de la muerte! Okay, great work, team.
This lawn will now be sprayed for satanic cleansing.
Ah.
Mark of death? Really put the fear of no-god into them, Rudi.
I won't be needing this any more, thank god.
Oh, and you might want to clean up your yard.
I don't think it's up to community association standards.
Threats only work on people who care.
What's the community association's policy on public nudity? Because I have pictures.
Never pegged you as an outtie.
I'm sorry you lost all your followers, kid.
It's okay.
I'm sorry I got drunk with power and led a cult to live on our lawn.
Let us just accept the fact neither one of us is at fault.
If there is a god, blame it on him.
After all, he is the one who hit you in the head with lightning.
You deserve better.
I'm just a regular kid that can see now.
- But - Ssh.
It's too late.
Maybe one day I'll go blind again.
They are making amazing advances in science these days.
- But - Hey, what's that behind your ear? Ugh.
I'm glad I can see again.
It was such a wake-up call having something so important as vision taken away.
It's hard playing god.
With great power comes great responsibility.
What did you learn, Mom? Hmm.
Probably that Jenny could stand to do some crunches.
If anyone asks, Apple, you're not in the vents.
- Is this your card? - No.
- Is this your card? - No.
- What about this one? - Still no.
Magic is stupid! Eek! Mommy!