Mulaney (2014) s01e12 Episode Script

No one ever asked me my opinion when I was a little kid.
No one cared what I thought.
Sometimes people would say, "what do you think you're doing?" But that just meant "stop.
" They didn't actually want to know my thought process.
They didn't want me to be like, "well, I was gonna put this bottle rocket "into this carton of eggs "so that when I lit the bottle rocket off, the eggs would explode everywhere.
" And they'd be like, "oh, that's very interesting.
What brought you to this experiment?" And I'd be like, "well, I'm filled with rage.
"I'm so horny and angry all the time, "and I have no outlet for it.
So Eggs.
" [Upbeat music.]
Mulaney - 01x12 Ruby (Ice-T) Yo, this is Ice-T.
Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay? Hey, Jane, have you seen my reversible jacket? You know, the one with all the zippers? Do you mean was I the last to see it alive? 'Cause that jacket had a lot of enemies.
I don't know what to wear on my date with Julia tomorrow.
I'm finally meeting her daughter.
You know, she told me that most guys don't connect with the kid.
I don't wanna be like most guys.
John, you are "most guys.
Isn't most guys the brand of clothes you wear? Yeah, for basics.
You know, hoodies and tees and pocket tees.
I wanna look cool.
Her daughter's 13.
Teenage girls are the meanest people on the planet.
What am I gonna talk to a teenage girl about? I don't even know what the bases are now.
I think first base is oral.
And a home run is being driven around in a black car all night and then murdered.
Why are you so scared of teenage girls, anyway? You know, when I was in high school, I had this friend named Paul Palicki.
Paul wore a trench coat every day, and Paul was not popular.
So you're Paul, right? No, he is a separate human being, but we were friends.
We bonded over our love of, you know, Bob Dylan and Kurt Vonnegut and Woody Allen, and most of all, Gene Wilder.
Do you have any childhood heroes who didn't look like old mops? Anyway, the girls in high school destroyed him.
High school is tough.
It's not like some '90s movie.
I remember senior year, I had to balance being the school DJ with saving the gang's favorite record store.
[Phone chimes.]
Oh, no.
Mario Cantone is doing Wendy Williams tomorrow to promote his cookbook, In The Mood For a Little Italian.
These Amber alerts are getting less and less urgent, yo.
No, that was Mario's assistant cancelling lunch with Lou.
And I can't go because I have to meet Julia's daughter.
I already tried every other celebrity in New York, and they're all booked.
SJP is in the Hamptons, Regis is a hard no, and Richard kind is booked all month pushing a cart around the upper West Side.
Lou just needs people to sit across from him and pretend to be interested in his stories.
We can do that.
I'm a great listener.
I used to be a hype man for John McEnroe's short-lived rap career.
A hype man is a great listener and repeats key words loudly.
Oh, that's interesting.
Ha-ha! Interesting! All right, so you two will go, and you'll pretend to be interested, and you'll get a free lunch.
I don't know, it sounds a little like prostitution.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
It is exactly like prostitution.
You two will lunch with Lou in lieu of me.
Ugh, I'm the worst.
This teen girl's gonna eat me alive.
Just be yourself when you talk to her.
Kids can smell phoniness.
Here, practice on Jane.
Jane, be 14.
Oh, actually, Ruby is 13.
Oh, 13.
Hey, Ruby, I know this is kind of awkward and I'm not your real dad, but I'd sure love it if we could be buddies.
You're fat and a stalker, and you should kill yourself.
Oh, that was fun.
Okay, can I practice on you? Apropos of nothing, I was in St.
Barts with my dear friend Leo.
- What! - What! Which, of course, is my, uh, nickname for Howie Mandel.
Uh Classic Leo.
Very proud.
Dropping mandel up in this piece, y'all! Well, you guys are such great conversationalists.
Aw, well, you certainly are paying.
[Laughter.]
So do you know Oprah? Do I know Oprah? [Chuckles.]
Well, does this answer your question? No, never met her.
[Clears throat.]
I heard she had a big talk show though.
Oh, which reminds me, I have the world's only boring Dolly Parton story.
Dolly P! Put your damn hands together, y'all! You okay? Yeah, I'm just a little on edge.
(Julia) Hey, Ruby.
This is my friend John.
Did you have a great time at dance rehearsal? Not really.
Ruby, smile when you speak.
Winners always smile.
And you look so much more attractive when you smile.
Isn't that right, John? Pass.
Actually, John, you would be the perfect person to give Ruby some advice on her talent show act.
What are you doing for your talent show? Well, my mom wanted me to Ruby and some girls are doing a dance to Doop the Dew.
What? Doop the Dew? By Ja'le? Ohh! What? [Sighs.]
You know, I was gonna be a dancer for the Knicks when I was 19, but then I got pregnant.
Whoa! Did you keep the baby? Oh, right, of course.
Hi.
[Phone rings.]
I should get that.
You two hang out.
Hi.
So, uh, what's Junior high like these days? Do the jocks sit with the jocks, and the band geeks sit with the band geeks, and no one sits with the fat stalkers, am I right? We all sit at one long table to combat bullying.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, that's a pretty good idea.
So what are you reading? Grapes of Wrath.
Oh, the Grapes of wrath? So what TV shows are you watching? Ruby likes movies more than TV.
What's that movie you're so into these days? The Gross Out Cowboys, or what is it? Mom, it's Blazing Saddles.
You like Blazing Saddles? Gene Wilder's my favorite actor.
Did you know another actor almost played Gene Wilder's part? Really? Well, did you know Richard Pryor was supposed to play Cleavon Little's part? Well, yeah, everyone knows that.
But wow.
You're way different than I imagined.
John, I have a huge favor to ask you.
My boss needs me to work late the next two days.
Is there any way you could walk Ruby from school to dance class? This Ruby? Of course.
Hey, Ruby, have you ever seen Spaceballs? It almost holds up.
Cool! Yeah, very cool.
I mean, the food was great and all, but I kind of threw my voice out yelling, "Stellan Skarsgard!" [Coughs.]
So you guys enjoyed being food hookers? Okay, see, that makes it sound so crass.
We prefer "dining companions.
" Or "story guzzlers.
" Oh, that's nice.
Hey, what would you think about going to lunch with Lou again tomorrow when I'm hanging out with Ruby? It's a six-course tasting menu.
Six courses, wow! Aw, imagine me, little Jane Parvanah, with six different dishes in front of her.
I'd be like a Hobo in a movie who gets rich and takes a big bubble bath.
All right, there's just one thing.
Lou made a reservation for four, so he wants you to bring a friend into the mix.
Okay.
Who do we know with so little going on in their life, they'd be willing to make nice with a clown for free food? Hey, guys.
I fell asleep in John's hamper.
Mind if I borrow? Hey, Andre, we're going to lunch tomorrow.
Me, you, and Motif.
Lou Cannon tells whatever story he wants, but the food we get is very good and very free.
Hmm, you had me at eye contact.
[Knocking at the door.]
- Oh, hello.
- Hey, Oscar.
Here's your Gene Wilder DVD set.
Oh, thanks.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Oh, I laughed, and I laughed.
I used the box to hold open my window.
I'm gonna lend this to Julia's daughter, Ruby.
It turns out that she is great.
She's like me but in a 13-year-old girl's body.
(Motif and Jane) So like you.
Jinx! Okay.
Wow, so you and this girl really hit it off.
You know, I'd be creeped out by all this if I didn't, in my heart of hearts, believe that underneath all that, you're anatomically smooth like a Ken doll.
Look, I'm just mentoring her, okay? Ruby's mom pushes her too hard, you know? She wants to live through her and make her this popular queen bee, but trading your sense of self for popularity can be dangerous.
- I remember one time in high school - Okay, wait, are you gonna buy me dinner? 'Cause I'm gonna need you to buy me dinner if you're gonna story me.
Relax.
In school, I had this friend named Paul who was very unpopular.
(Andre and Oscar) So you're Paul, right? Jinx! No.
His name was Paul Palicki, and one year, for the school talent show, were supposed to do the Puttin' on the Ritz scene from Young Frankenstein.
We rehearsed for days.
Paul walked out there, and I waited for my cue.
But then I heard the booing.
Some girl yelled, "ew, he's a total stalker.
" "Stalker" had become the most popular girl insult by that time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we like it 'cause it's both a complaint and a brag.
Anyway, I chickened out and ran home, but Paul did the dance.
And I want Ruby to be like Paul, not the coward I was.
I mean, imagine if you could go back and give your high school self advice.
Well, I would say, "Oscar, tell Betty Jane the truth.
"Don't take her to prom and make-out point and then marry her.
" [Laughs.]
You should have seen the look on that woman's face.
[Cheerful music.]
No, I'm not saying that movies for kids your age are bad, it's just, there's too many sequels.
Like, they made a Rio 2.
You know what I would do if my kid liked the movie Rio? I would show him Rio again.
Kids always want to do something, but when you get older, you'll realize there's nothing more fun than not doing something, especially when you were supposed to do it.
In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.
Oh, thank you.
What do you want to do here, 20 each? No, school is the last time in your life when you will have to have answers to people's questions.
Like, if someone came to me now and they were like, "hey, John, name three things that the stamp act of 1775 accomplished," I'd be like, "I don't know, get out of my apartment.
" You will look back on the boys you have a crush on now and laugh.
They are little rats with cheese ball-covered fingers and rat mustaches.
Thank you, Jane.
That was Jane.
John, can I tell you something? Sometimes, I don't really like my mom.
Ohh, thank God.
I know exactly what you mean.
Right? I mean - I mean, no.
- I mean - (Both) There's nothing wrong with her.
- No, exactly, it's just nothing.
- She's perfectly nice.
- Yeah.
It's just, she's kind of whack, right? - Crazy, yes.
- Yes.
So Whoopi and I were at what became dick Clark's funeral.
Dick Clark! What kind of hype man leaves the name "Whoopi" on the table? Lou, tell us again how you were cut from the pilot of Small Wonder.
Oh, no, come on, I've already told you twice.
Are you sure you're not gonna eat anything? Oh, that's okay.
I like the stories.
You're messed up, I'll tell you that much.
Hey, listen, guys, if we want to take this to the next level, you know, I know of a private event tonight.
Jason Alexander is having a potluck, and I told him about you three, and he seemed into it.
You know, it's just just a just a bunch of safe, anonymous storytelling while Jason feeds you.
What do you say? [Clicks tongue.]
Food up front.
[Sighs.]
Hey, what's wrong? I don't really want to do Doop the Dew for the talent show.
You know, I feel like my mom is making me do it because she regrets not being a dancer.
Oh, yeah, that is rough, forcing your dreams on a kid just because you have regrets? That is oh! Do you know what you should do for the talent show? You should do Puttin' on the Ritz from Young Frankenstein.
You really think so? Oh, yes.
I so regret not doing that.
Oh, it'll be great.
Thanks, John, you're always looking out for me.
Hey, this reminds me of Woody Allen.
[Chuckles.]
What? Oh, cinematically.
Yes.
Yes, that's how I like to think of him too.
It is the shoulder and the shoulder and the flick of the wrist.
Oh, sorry.
Don't be sorry, just do it better.
You know, I'm kind of nervous.
What if I'm up there all alone and no one likes it? You're saying you want me to join you onstage? I have to think about it.
I'll do it.
In fact, here's a cue line for you.
You can say, "let's meet the monster.
He's a man about town.
" But don't hit it too hard, because remember (Both) Comedy is like jazz.
Yeah.
You're gonna be the most popular girl in your school.
[Chuckles.]
Sorry about yesterday, by the way, when I couldn't finish the Delta Burke story.
I mean, that's never happened to me before.
You know, when I was in my 20s, I could tell the same story three or four times in one night, so, I mean Hey, where's Andre? Oh, I introduced him to a friend of mine, Saudi guy.
They're having lunch over there.
[Laughs.]
Wow, Zionists, huh? Cool.
Did you sell him? You know what, Lou, we can't do this anymore.
We can't just sit here and eat your food Mmm.
And listen to you talk.
(Motif) Yeah, we're people.
If we're gonna keep having these lunches, we got to talk too.
Have I been talking all the time? I guess I have this need for attention, you know, it all stems from [Sighs.]
From my childhood when I lost my father, who was a close friend of Jerry Van Dyke.
Jerry, by the way, had this Dutch thing.
Well, you're doing it again! Yeah, okay, we have stories too.
We are interesting.
Well, fine, then why don't you tell your stories? Okay, well, yesterday, I went to central park, and I got there, and I was like, "I can't.
" Not bad, not bad.
You know, pretty good.
How about you, Motif? What weighs more, a pound of feathers or a pound of gold? Well, that's a riddle, but, you know, fine, good attempt.
See, we're really vibing here, you know? This is great, this is great, and not just because it's a $5,000 seven-course meal, but it's because we're all talking, connecting in a real way in fact, waiter? Can we have our bill split three ways, please? Like friends.
Now, a lot of people think of Francis Ford Coppola as a wonderful director, but 50 cent had a different take on it, and, you know, this is very typical 50 John? Hey, John.
It's me.
Paul.
Paul Palicki.
Oh, my God, I didn't recognize you.
- How are you? - I'm great.
Hey, cool costume.
Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein? Thank you.
It is.
I'm on my way to this talent show.
You know, speaking of, man, I've always thank you.
I've always wanted to apologize to you for abandoning you during Puttin' on the Ritz.
I wish I had been braver like you.
Oh, John, you were 13 years old.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
I didn't feel weird being up there alone at all.
How were you able to drown out all the teasing? I really admired that.
Honestly, the truth is, I never really heard any of it.
Because of your strong sense of self? No, actually, it turns out I was a what do you call it? A, uh, sociopath.
Yeah, I'm not violent, but I can't pick up what anybody's feeling at all.
Like, are you very comfortable right now? Oh, my God, Paul, I told a teen girl to act exactly like you.
She's doing our Gene Wilder act for her whole school today.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, bad idea.
But if she's really a Wilder-head, you guys should come out to his house in Connecticut with me.
I go every week.
Well, outside of his house and in his trash.
Paul, you are a total stalker.
Uh-huh.
Why? Oh, my God, I have to save Ruby.
I have to stop that talent show! [Dramatic music.]
Oh, hey.
(Both) Hi! Has Ruby Lake gone on yet? Yeah, she's up there now.
[Piano playing Puttin' on the Ritz.]
Oh, it's too late, but I can't abandon her.
This is for all the kids who were too scared to show that they love Gene Wilder.
(Ruby) Let's meet the monster.
He's a man about town.
This is so lame.
(All) Boo! It's lame? Oh, my God, it is lame.
Yeah.
I mean, who who even choreographed this, right? Bye.
Hey, how was the talent show? It was, uh, good.
Uh, yeah, we went up there and did our thing, and, uh, everyone loved it.
Cool, so you resolved some of your high school issues? Yes.
Yes.
I even ran into Paul Palicki, and he is good.
He had a normal, pleasing human smell, so Everything worked out great.
[Knocking at the door.]
(Ruby) Let me in! Oh, no, don't answer that.
[Knocking at the door.]
Open the door! Thank you.
You! Where were you? You left me up there! John! You abandoned her? You abandoned Lou.
She's a little girl! So's Lou.
[Sighs.]
God, I can't believe you did that.
I mean, thank God that Dutch kid with the bowl cut did a dance with his grandmother to take the heat off me.
Okay, look, Ruby, I know you're mad at me, but let me just say this: don't tell your mom.
Right here in the hall! Oh, hey, babe, what are you doing here? I'm her mother, and I asked you to take her to dance class for a few afternoons, not turn her into a mop! Well, I am sorry if I got carried away, but I thought that Ruby needed a father figure.
She has a father figure.
It's her father! And he is great and writes for the Daily Show.
Oh.
Oh, really? Would he be, like, someone that could ever read a submission or you know what, bad time to ask.
[Sighs.]
All right, Ruby, I let you down, so take a shot at me.
Make fun of my shoes.
Make fun of my clothes.
Stupid haircut.
[Chuckles.]
John, what's wrong with you isn't your shoes.
What's wrong with you is this: Next year, I'm gonna be 14, but you're going to be 13 for the rest of your life.
Hey, she likes my shoes! - Congratulations.
- Good for you.
All right! All right, Mulaney! Sorry I wasn't around all week, Lou.
Uh, let me make up for it.
Have you ever met B.
D.
Wong? [Laughs.]
You know I have.
Good to have you back, John.
Let me buy you a hot dog.
- All right.
- Okay.
[Girls laughing.]
I know! [Both laughing.]
Ruby, do you know that guy? [Clears throat.]
Ew, no! That guy is a total stalker.
[Scoffs.]