Murphy Brown s01e12 Episode Script

Morning, Jim.
How are you today? Just fine.
How about yourself? Are you settling into this crazy place all right? It's just like you to ask.
I really appreciate it.
As a matter of fact, Jim, I have a little something for you.
It's just my way of saying thanks and happy early Valentine's Day.
Thank you, Leslie.
Quite thoughtful.
Oh, Frank, come on over.
Leslie's bringing a little Valentine's spirit to the office.
- Frank loves chocolate.
- What have you got? Actually, I only brought the one box for Jim.
Okay.
I'm sure Leslie expected me to share.
I can't eat those hard centers.
Stick in my teeth.
Thanks.
Work to do.
You guys, you won't believe what just happened.
Jackie just broke up with Miles.
He's headed this way, and he's really depressed about it so be very careful what you say to him.
Especially you, Frank.
Hello, everyone.
Oh, Miles! You brave little soldier.
Try not to let this nightmare destroy your self-esteem.
Do you have any hobbies? Hey, Miles, I'm really sorry about what happened.
- Lf you want to talk, you know I'm here.
- Same goes for me.
Good luck.
I'll never meet anyone like Jackie.
We used to talk about buying a little farm in Virginia, maybe raising chickens.
What world was I living in? Come on, Miles.
I know it's tough, but you can't give up.
It's never easy for any of us to meet women.
Frank, I have a friend named Meg.
She's got the hots for you.
Here's her phone number.
Oh, jeez.
- Good morning, Leslie.
- Hi.
Messages on your desk, and I confirmed your lunch.
Great.
Thanks.
I love your style.
Hit-and-run.
What's going on here? It's called dating, Frank.
Call the woman, don't call the woman, just leave me out.
Why can't she get dates? She one of those passive-aggressive victimized women who hate men? They know her by name at the free clinic? You know, Frank, it amazes me that you ever date at all.
Not that I care.
It's just that I find it fascinating that you have time to date any woman who's here on a temporary visa, but when you get a shot at a quality relationship What are you trying to say, that I have a fear of commitment? I've been dealing with that in therapy for the past three years.
Three years with the same shrink.
If that isn't commitment, I don't know what is.
You're right, your life is perfect.
A lot of happy men spend Saturday nights deciding what to wear to work on Monday.
Let me ask you something.
How would you feel if I tried to fix you up with someone you'd never met? Flattered you thought of me, and I'd trust your taste.
Okay, then I've got a great idea.
I'll go out with your friend if you go out with mine.
- We'll double.
- Oh, sure.
Last time I went on a fix-up was in 1978 with the assistant secretary of agriculture.
He spent the entire evening telling me how to make a compost heap.
Oh, this is good.
It's okay for you to fix me up, but when the shoe's on the other foot, well Miles, I'm not abandoning you.
I just have to help Murphy for a minute.
I think you should listen to Frank.
We women have only so many years we can play hard to get.
Time's up, Murphy.
Go on the date.
Don't do it.
It's better to live out the rest of your years alone and safe than to feel like a piece of disgusting garbage rotting in the gutter.
Come on, Murph.
I'm willing to risk it.
- What's this pal's name? - All right.
I'm gonna make some calls.
There are a couple of very good possibilities.
I'll keep you posted.
Frank, not the guy whose underwear sticks out of his pants.
- Hello.
- Hi, Jim.
- I have something for you.
- You do? I saw it in the store, and I thought of you.
Oh, thank you.
Brass paperweight.
I can't wait to use it.
Would you like to go for drinks one night after work? Yes.
Perhaps.
Won't you excuse me? - Hello, Murphy.
- Hi, Jim.
How's it going? Leslie wants me, and I like it.
Gee, Jim, I don't know what to say.
She knows I'm married, and she's still coming on to me.
Small gifts, flirtatious looks in the hallway.
Next thing I know, I'm in the Xerox room running off 50 copies of my hand in hopes of a chance meeting.
Don't you have a family priest or someone? I'm sorry.
This was a mistake.
I should never have opened up.
Let's chat about sports while I regain my dignity.
Jim, you're only human.
Flirting's okay.
It doesn't have to go anywhere.
But if it makes you uncomfortable, tell her face-to-face it's gotta stop.
Yes.
Do the right thing.
I always do the right thing, don't I? - Hi.
- And the part left over is where butter comes from.
Just leaving, Frank.
Goodbye.
So we're all set.
I called one of my friends.
I don't wanna jinx this, but I think you're gonna really like him.
I know him from the club where I play sax on weekends.
He plays bass.
- Really? What's his name? - Richie.
Richie.
A grown man named Richie? What is that, Frank? - Tell me about Meg.
What does she do? - She's a lobbyist.
Great, she has passion.
- Favorite movie.
- Murmur of the Heart.
Mine too.
Okay, now I'm gonna ask the biggie.
- Her parents are dead.
- I'm in love.
Okay, my turn.
- This Richie character, where's he from? - I don't know.
- What's he do? - Not sure.
- How long have you known him? - A week.
- I'm not going, Frank.
- Come on! Richie is a great guy.
Aren't you always talking about how you'd like to date a regular guy for a change? Okay, you're right.
What am I so worried about? - It's just one night.
It could be fun.
- Great.
Just don't say he looks like Don Knotts.
He hates that.
Just kidding.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Great outfit.
- Thanks.
Nice sweater.
Thanks.
- Almost 7.
- Yeah, guess they'll be here soon.
- Yeah.
Nervous? - No.
You? No.
You know, Frank, I was thinking.
We should have a code phrase in case one of us doesn't hit it off with our date and we wanna call it short.
- What'd you have in mind? If I want out, I'll say, "I hate my dry cleaner.
" Okay.
I'll say, "I got ripped off on my new steel-belted radials.
" But, you know, I've got kind of a good feeling about this.
My closest friend, who knows me better than anyone is fixing me up for the first time.
This could be important.
It could turn into something.
I mean, maybe Meg is the one.
Or maybe it's just a date, Frank.
Maybe there's no significance to it at all, except it's a way for four friends to spend an evening together, and there's no pressure on me to provide you with a mate for life.
Why did I do this? - Meg.
Hi.
- Richie.
Hi.
- Hi, Murphy.
- Hi, Frank.
Meg, this is Frank.
Frank, Meg.
Richie, this is Murphy.
Murphy, Richie.
- Hi, Frank.
- Hi, Meg.
- Hi, Murphy.
- Hi, Richie.
So Murphy's told me a lot about you.
You like foreign films.
Tell me have you ever been to that little theater over in Georgetown? Well, Frank's told me nothing about you, except you play the bass.
Good.
Nothing to live up to.
Or live down.
I'm gonna get this right out of the way up front.
I'm not good at blind dates, so I wrote this history of myself.
It's the Reader's Digest version.
This way, if you don't wanna be out with a guy whose hobbies are synchronized swimming and metallurgy, you know up front.
"Pet peeves: Lima beans and people who don't pull forward in gas stations.
" We have a lot in common.
Where do you stand on gelato? So, Murph, Richie, you two ready to go? Go? Oh, right.
Sure.
Let's go.
You know, Frank, I found a wonderful dry cleaner.
I got a great deal on my new steel-belted radials.
I really like the first cut on that new Chick Corea album.
My dentist says I need a root canal.
- Hey there, Murphy.
- Hey, Phil.
- Frank.
- Hi, Phil.
Looks like you went all-out for Valentine's Day, huh? Well, it's always been sort of a special day to me.
It's Phyllis and my wedding anniversary.
Forty-one years.
- Congratulations.
- Gee, Phil, shouldn't you be with her? Oh, we have this little tradition we like to follow.
She'll call me in a few minutes.
Her name will be Rita.
Something's wrong with her furnace, and her husband's out of town.
I'm Hank.
And I come over with my little toolkit, only to find her scantily clad Phil, that's okay.
We get the idea.
Forty-one years is a hell of a long time.
You gotta do something.
I think you're gonna like this place.
They have got great burgers.
- I love a good burger.
Don't you? - I haven't eaten meat in three years.
I'm going to the ladies' room.
Would you care to join me, Meg? - Yes, I would.
- Would you excuse us? Jim, hi.
- Leslie.
Hi.
- Hello, Murphy.
We're going to the ladies' room.
What do you mean, it's a no? He's nothing like I expected.
What are you talking about? You've known him five minutes.
- How could you already not like him? - Did you see his shoes? Of course.
What was I thinking? How could I have set you up without showing you a picture of his shoe rack? Murphy, you know what I'm talking about.
It's the little things that can drive you crazy.
Like how his ears are redder than the rest of his head.
And the way he laughs after every sentence.
Now, I could never live with that laugh.
I hate this, and it's not fair.
- You begged me - I didn't beg.
Begged me.
He's a good guy, and I can tell he really likes you.
I want you to give him a chance.
Okay, okay.
I will.
Thank you.
What's another evening of pain? - I've had so much in my life already.
- That's the attitude.
Hi.
We're back.
I guess you can see that.
So, Richie, you're a high school music teacher.
Tell me about that.
Actually, it's a funny story how I got into teaching.
I'd like to hear it.
And, Meg, you could tell Frank about that book you just read.
I read Wings to the Sun.
Fascinating thesis on group behavior.
- How'd you start teaching? - I don't know.
- I thought it was pessimistic.
- You must've misread it.
It's a realistic account of life in the '80s.
Excuse me one second.
You know, I forgot to mention that Frank is a great cook.
Frank, tell Meg what happened that time with your pasta maker.
This is hilarious.
I mean, if you want realism, you should read One Flew Over the Cuckoo 's Nest.
Now, that is one terrific book.
I have to disagree.
It's the most overrated novel of the century.
Meg, it's not the most overrated.
You're kidding, aren't you? I mean the powerful concept that everything in life doesn't have to be ordered - Well, it's like jazz.
- You like jazz? - He loves jazz.
- I hate jazz.
Well, you just haven't heard it played right.
Frank plays the saxophone, and he is really good.
I mean, really good.
I think I'll go to the men's room.
Wanna come, Frank? - No.
- Oh, come on.
- I don't have to.
- Just come on, will you? Hi, Jim.
- Hi, Leslie.
- Hello, Frank.
Well, ma'am, how long is your husband gonna be out of town? - What are we doing in here? - We need to talk.
I didn't know where else to do it.
Besides, women go to the bathroom to talk.
Why can't we? When I wanna talk to a guy, I don't go in the bathroom.
I go outside, throw a baseball around.
Sorry, I didn't bring my glove.
Okay, just hurry.
What? She hates me, Frank.
She's spending the whole evening talking about you.
Get out, she's crazy about you.
I think she's just trying to cover for Meg.
Do you believe that woman? She's got an opinion on everything.
No wonder she's a lobbyist.
I'd sign anything just to get her to shut up.
Will you forget about you? Give me some advice.
How do I get it going out there? - Don't worry.
I'll talk to Murphy.
- No, then she'll think I talked to you.
No, she won't.
Women know guys never talk in the bathroom.
- Should we go back out? - No, I think it's a little too soon.
What should we do? Let's wash our hands and count to 50.
I am not too much of a perfectionist.
I'm just choosy.
And you should talk.
Poor Richie.
What are you talking about? I like Richie.
It would be nice if we had one minute together so I could find out his last name.
Hi, Murphy.
I hope we're not interrupting anything, but we just need a little bit of your time.
- Oh, hello.
Corky Sherwood.
- Meg Reynolds.
And this is Miles Silverberg.
Miles wants to call Jackie.
Don't you think that would be a huge mistake? Corky, I don't think we should be bothering them.
Oh, God, I feel like there's a hot knife sticking in my heart.
- Oh, hi, Frank.
- Hi, Corky.
Hi, Miles.
- We're on a date.
- I know.
We're not staying.
Murphy, could I talk to you a minute? It's about work.
What can I say, a reporter's day never ends.
We'll be right back.
- What is it, Frank? - Look, Murph, I don't wanna criticize but I think you should spend less time jumping into my conversations with Meg and a little more time talking to Richie.
Frank, I'm going to level with you.
It might not be going well between Meg and you.
Wow, what a bulletin.
I suppose what I'm trying to tell you, Leslie, is that while your fascination with me has moved me more than you know if we go any further than this I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
But there's no reason in this whole darn world why we can't be friends.
I see.
You want to be friends.
After you eat my chocolates, accept my gifts torment me day in and day out with the unspoken promise of a passion so intense that our flesh can barely contain it.
Well, I've got news for you, Mr.
Office Gigolo.
Somebody is finally saying no to your twisted little sexual game.
You make me sick.
I quit! Good night, all.
Another one of your setups? Look, let's just get this date over with and get through the night, okay? Next thing I know, I'm in this cowboy bar, there's a piano and I wind up playing there.
Jackie never understood me.
Because of my deep-seated competitive nature and drive to succeed.
Have you ever read Neurosis and Human Growth by Karen Horney? It's really an incredible book.
Excuse me, everybody.
Corky, I think this is my chair.
- Murphy, can I talk to you for a minute? - No.
Come on.
A minute.
I know what you're gonna say.
It's okay.
You don't like Frank.
He doesn't like you either.
- This is why I said at the beginning - I want you to set me up with Miles.
Miles? What are you talking about? - He's 10 years younger than you.
- So what? Don't you think he's got the cutest little rear end? No, I don't look at his rear end.
Come on, you work side by side with him every day and you never noticed what a sexy little guy he is? Is there something in the water here? I can't take any more of this.
Everybody, I have an announcement to make.
There are too many people on my date.
Miles, this isn't The Love Boat.
Snap out of it.
Oh, don't worry about me.
Maybe I'll just interrupt a game of darts with my face.
Meg, Frank, work it out between yourselves.
Get married and have 40 kids, kill each other in the parking lot, I'm out of it.
I'm sorry, Frank.
I guess this isn't gonna work out.
I think this is where we say someday we'll look back on all this and laugh.
I hate your laugh.
Miles, are you hungry? - What? - Hungry.
She asked you if you were hungry.
I know a great little Italian restaurant over on M Street.
Care to join me? - What? - Join her.
Say yes.
- Yes.
- Great.
Let's go.
Richie, would you like to go somewhere? Just you and me.
Fun and laughs.
Murphy, I don't think this was meant to be.
Frank warned me up front that he had to rope you into this date.
No, he didn't.
Not that much.
Really, I don't mind if you just wanna say good night.
I'll just finish my conversation with Corky.
If that's all right with you.
Oh, yes.
You don't mind, do you, Murphy? No.
Good night, Frank.
Bye, Murphy.
Can you believe how this all worked out? Happy Valentine's Day.
It took about an hour's worth of planning to set up the date.
Another half-hour to decide what to wear.
Special trip to the cleaners.
I wore my lucky bra.
Over in 15 minutes.
Frank, why do you keep looking over the top of my hair? - Go.
- Thanks, Murph.
Excuse me.
You're Murphy Brown, aren't you? - Yes.
Yes, I am.
- I thought so.
I had a bet with my girlfriend.
- You told me Stephanie was your sister! - Because I think of Stephanie like a sister.
Anyone who keeps photos like that of their sister is a sick mind.
- Felicia, you got a real jealousy problem.
- I do not! Excuse me.
What's going on here? - Who's she? - Murphy Somebody.
I can't think when I'm upset.
Murphy Brown.
This is my house.
Oh, you're the one.
So listen, snowflake how come you're always finding little tasks to keep Eldin coming over here? I don't mean to be rude, but this hasn't been my best day.
If this is how you wanna spend Valentine's Day, go somewhere else.
I know I had other plans.
So did I.
I hate it when we fight.
Especially on St.
Valentine's Day.
Baby, I'd pour turpentine in my eyes before I ever look at another woman again.
God, you look great in overalls.