S#*! My Dad Says s01e12 Episode Script

Root Beer, I admire your style.
If you can't eat our rug, you pee on it.
We're not that different, you and me.
Hey, Rutty.
Stick out your jaw if you love me.
Yes, you do.
Hey, great news I just spoke to my editor, and they found bedbugs in the office.
So they're closing the paper down for the day.
- Isn't that great? - What's that got to do with me? Well, I was thinking that since I have the day off, - you and I can spend - Can't.
Busy.
What was the question? I said do you want to spend the day together? Can't.
Busy.
Doing what? It's 9:00 a.
m.
You already yelled at everything you're gonna yell at for today.
What else is left? I'm going down to Authentic Carl's.
The sports-memorabilia place where you got your Steve Garvey bat? That's right.
The bat he used that night he hit for the cycle.
Garvey never hit for the cycle with the Padres.
Not the baseball cycle.
After the game at a motel near the stadium Garvey allegedly banged a brunette, a blond, a redhead, and a twin that cycle.
And the bat is the one he gave to the motel manager so he wouldn't tell his first wife.
Anyway, I have ordered a ball that was used in the last game that the Cincinnati Reds played at Crosley Field.
And Authentic Carl is holding it for me.
Uh, dad, um, I moved back here so I can get to know you better, so you and I can get closer.
Well, I'm glad we didn't.
You're covered in crabs.
Why don't you go and pick up that ball tomorrow? And maybe today you and I can spend some time together, do a father-son activity.
Hey, why don't we go to the racetrack? I am going down to pick up my ball.
If you want to come down and watch me do it, that's up to you.
Only if I get to chip in for gas, dad.
Oh, great, now he wants to ride in the same car.
Hi, dad.
What the hell do you want? Well, Bonnie's ovulating, and we're trying to make a baby.
So if you need to come into our room in the middle of the night to get something, maybe you could I don't know knock or, uh, not flip on the lights or perhaps not shout out, "the horror, the horror.
" Not happening.
Okeydoke.
Hey, why are you smiling? Well, we're seeing a new fertility specialist who says that since there's nothing wrong with Bonnie's ova or my sperms that perhaps we should try staying more positive as it may affect our ability to conceive.
So that's what we're doing.
Sounds stupid.
Fair enough.
Ed, Ed, Ed, I love that you feel comfortable enough to come into our room at night looking for an old life magazine and then taking that life magazine into the bathroom, which is a mere four feet from my head.
But if there's any way you could close the door next time, that would be super, okay? Thanks, doll! Why the hell would you want to have a child now? You're just starting to get your business off the ground.
If not now, when? I mean, there's no perfect time to have a baby, right, Ed? Bing! Oh! Ed, Ed, Ed, you are, gosh, a delight.
But is there any room in the house that you won't walk in on us when we're trying to conceive your grandchild? Well, there is one.
The garage? You you want us to live in the garage? Bingo! I'm just saying you should be more careful, dad.
You almost hit that pedestrian.
Guy was in a wheelchair.
That's a vehicle.
Hey.
- Dr.
Goodson.
- Authentic Carl.
Henry, this is Authentic Carl.
- Look, it's coming in, huh? - Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's coming in.
Authentic Carl's my good friend, my confidant.
I tell him everything.
Hey, I'm Henry.
And, uh, how do you know Ed? I'm his son.
I didn't know you had a son.
Hey, how is Root Beer, by the way? Oh, so cute.
They grow up so fast.
So you got my ball? Ah.
Ha ha.
Yes.
About that I got some good news.
It came in this morning, amazing condition.
Turns out this ball is worth twice what you were gonna pay for it.
Good news is I got a great deal.
No, the good news is I sold it for four times what you were going to pay.
But, Carl, you were going to hold that ball for me.
We had a verbal agreement.
You can't sell that ball to the highest bidder.
It's not your sister's virginity.
Ed, I'm sorry.
I have a living to make here.
We've known each other 20 years.
20 years? My name doesn't come up once? You can't go back on something like that? Where's your honor? Ed, I'm 50.
I sell sports memorabilia and breed iguanas.
I said good-bye to my honor the first time I signed babe Ruth's name on a beanie baby and sold it to some idiot kid.
So do you know the name of the guy who bought the ball? Of course I do.
I write down the names of all my customers.
- Where? - In this ledger.
It's also where I keep my license to distribute medical marijuana.
So do me a favor, will you? Tell me how I can get in touch with the guy who bought my ball so I can buy it back from him.
Ed, I cannot give out customer information.
- I have integrity.
- But no honor.
I can make the distinction.
That's how I can sleep at night that and my medical marijuana.
Oh, uh, Ed, I've got a customer I have to look after here.
I think his glaucoma is kicking in.
Well, hey, look at that.
Your day opened up.
Any chance I can get you down to the track? Not likely.
I want that ball.
Aren't we finished here, dad? I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the blind masseuse.
Trust me.
You'll know when I'm finished.
Honey, look at this.
Look at this.
It's my Beanie Baby signed by Babe Ruth.
Very rare.
Honey, when did Babe Ruth die? Uh, buh, buh, buh, 1948.
Why? No reason.
You know what? I think we're going to be happy living here.
Oh, we're going to be so happy.
I'm going to turn this musty old garage into our enchanted cottage.
We'll put our bed right over here by the paint cans.
Yeah.
Hey, we can put our wedding pictures right over there on that shelf where those ants are devouring that bird carcass.
Yeah, there'll be flowers everywhere instead of rat droppings and cricket husks.
Hey, we'll give our baby a bath right over there in that sink that looks like it was used in the movie saw.
Honey, our baby can you even imagine? Yeah.
No, we're really going to raise a family here.
I know it's not much oh, my God, what's in that pail? You know what? I don't know.
That that has been there since I was a kid, and it never quite seems to dry Come on, let's get out of here let's go do something fun.
Henry, if I wanted to do something fun, I'd have gone to Tijuana with $18 in quarters.
Now, I figured out a plan to get my ball back.
- And why do you need me? - It's a two-man job.
And since I don't have another man, I'm asking you.
Why is this ball so important to you? Because I'm sentimental, dummy.
I need you to distract Carl.
While you're doing that, I'm going to quietly and gracefully leap over this counter and grab that ledger.
Are you sure? This counter's kind of high.
You pulled a hammy tying your shoe the other day.
You wanted to come with me? This is what I do.
Now, are you in, or are you out? Fine.
Make it quick.
- Hey, Carl.
- Hey.
- Is that a Tony Gwynn Jersey? - Yeah.
What's up with that? It's a Tony Gwynn Jersey One-of-a-kind, most expensive thing in my shop, except for those extremely rare commemorative plates I have over on the counter.
So do you have any of those jerseys in the back? I just said it's one-of-a-kind.
Okay, I'll go check.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Hey, Carl, you know what? I changed my mind.
I'm looking for a hat.
Oh, the hats are right here.
What about a bobblehead doll? Bobblehead dolls are next to the hats.
What do you got in the back, Carl? - Baseball cards.
- Do you have an '86 Buckner? There is only one in all of San Diego, and I have it.
Oh.
- I'll take three.
- Coming right up.
Got it.
Let's go.
You carry military-grade surveillance binoculars in your car? Yep.
- Want to elaborate on that? - Nope.
So we're just going to sit here in the car until that guy with the Cincinnati baseball comes home? Yep.
Great conversation, dad.
What do you want, Henry? Well, for starters, why are you so sentimental about this baseball? I want the baseball 'cause I I love baseball.
My dad used to take me to watch the Reds game every Saturday.
There, we bonded.
So that's it.
Congratulations.
You're my new bff.
I mean, see, you did stuff with your dad.
- He took you to the stadium.
- No.
I was nine years old.
You don't take a nine-year-old to the stadium where grown men are drinking and smoking.
He took me to a bar.
And we watched it on the only television in town.
Okay, but you hung out.
You talked.
We didn't talk.
Didn't have to talk.
My father and I, we had a great relationship Hardly ever spoke.
Don't need to chatter, chatter, chatter just to know someone.
So you'd watch an entire baseball game in silence? He he didn't watch the game at all.
He'd drive me to McGill's tavern and, uh, set me up with a bowl of pickled eggs.
Then he'd, uh, turn on the Reds game, and then he'd take care of business.
What kind of business would your father have in a bar? He was a farmer.
Well, he'd go upstairs with Mrs.
McGill and help her with her taxes.
Your dad would help someone with their taxes? He paid for things in goat's milk.
I don't know.
I guess he was good with numbers.
Did your mom know about this? No.
Jeez.
That's why my dad called it "our little secret.
" Oh, my mom would've raised hell if she'd known I was at a bar.
So your dad would leave you alone in a bar and then go upstairs with a strange woman for an entire baseball game? No, no, no.
He would come down every three innings or so and check on me and grab a cigarette, and then he'd go back upstairs.
And she needed help with her taxes every Saturday? That's right.
You got to stay on top of these things.
I think he wanted to stay on top of Mrs.
McGill.
What the hell are you talking about? It just seems pretty obvious what was going on there, dad.
Come on, you never thought of that? No, I never thought of it, because there's nothing to think about.
It was a great memory.
Me driving home with my tummy filled with pickled eggs and him with a smile on his face.
And as the blind masseuse said, that's the end of that.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I got you coffee and a dozen doughnuts Minus 11 doughnuts.
Wow.
You did a lot of work while I was gone.
The place looks Like we're starting a side business selling crystal meth? I was gonna say "great," but okay.
Honey, I just I don't think it's the right time to have a baby.
Come on, Bonnie, what about being positive? I know.
It's just we're trying to get our real-estate business off the ground, and we don't have a lot of savings, and the garage is so dirty, your dad won't even park his car in it.
I just don't think this is the right situation - to bring a kid into.
- Well, if not now, when? I don't know.
But we'll know when the time is right.
- Come here.
- Okay.
Oh, my God.
I think the bucket just burped.
Honey, don't call it that.
That's where the baby's gonna come from.
No, no, the the bucket, the always-wet bucket.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Oh.
I'm just saying, even if your father was an accountant and not an illiterate tobacco farmer, she wouldn't have needed that much help.
She needed help with her taxes, and that's the end of the story.
Okay.
'Cause if you want to talk about it, I think it could help.
I don't think it'll help 'cause I don't want to talk about it.
Okay.
You know, because sometimes if you don't deal with something, - it can build up - I can see him now.
Wait.
Are you having a flashback about your dad? No, moron, the guy with the ball.
I can see him now.
Let's move.
Why can't you just walk around anything? Well, the good news is that your father won't walk through our room anymore going to the bathroom.
The bad news is it's because we don't have a bathroom.
The worst news is that might be a clue as to what the bucket was for.
Oh, wow, honey, my baby stuff.
- Check this out.
- Aw.
Oh, look at this.
This is the onesie I was wearing the day they brought me home from the hospital.
Wow.
How big were you? 8 pounds, 96 ounces.
Wow.
Look at this.
These are some of my toys from when I was a kid.
Whoa, whoa.
Steak knife? No, no, that's my pirate sword.
My dad got me that for my sixth birthday.
It says "Black Angus" on it.
That was my pirate name.
Oh, no way, Mr.
Block.
Oh, honey, the adventures that me and Mr.
Block used to go on.
And what's this, uh What's this surgical glove stuffed with sand? Uh-oh, watch out.
That's Mr.
Chicken.
He's got quite a mouth on him.
Yeah, I'd like to get my mouth on her.
Mr.
Chicken, not now.
So sorry, Bonnie.
This really brings back some good memories.
Of what? Visits from the child protective agency? No.
I had fun when I was a kid.
I made do with what I had.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
I mean, you know, my parents used to fight all the time.
But it's okay, 'cause I had these toys.
Mr.
Chicken used to say things to them that I wish I could, but couldn't.
- Like your own Mr.
Hyde.
- No.
No, no, no.
- This is Mr.
Hide.
- Oh.
Mr.
Hide is a confirmed bachelor.
That's because he's gay.
Mr.
Chicken, you don't know that.
Yes, I do.
Saw him at a leather bar.
Nothing gets you down, Black Angus.
No.
Not much.
You know what? It's the right time.
- For what? - To have a baby.
I mean, if you can stay positive through that childhood, then I want you to be the father of my child, and I don't want to wait until it's too late.
I love you so much, Bonnie.
I love you too.
But this this garage, I I can't.
We're just gonna have to move back upstairs and get a lock for the door I hope you're okay with that.
That's fine with me.
But, you know, since we already have the air mattress blown up, we might as well use it.
I like the way you think, Mr.
Chicken.
All right, threesome.
Out of my way, giant baby.
I get the front.
Mr.
Chicken, too far.
Put him down.
Put him down.
Put him down.
Put him down.
You know perfectly well that ball is rightfully mine.
So stop acting like a child and give it back to me.
- But I bought it.
- But I reserved it.
Sir, the guy sold my son the ball.
That's not my son's problem.
You were there.
You saw I reserved it.
Actually, I wasn't.
Where'd he get the money? That's an expensive ball.
It didn't cost $4.
It's not a blind masseuse from Thailand.
I'm not sure what that means.
Bob, I thought you said you were taking Timmy to the card shop.
I did.
I dropped him off.
And then I I had an errand to do.
Yeah.
Daddy drops me off every Sunday.
He dropped you off? Mary, I have a good reason.
Well, what's going on, Bob? Where'd you go? What'd you do? I'll tell you where he went.
Upstairs in a tavern banging some barmaid.
Dad, they don't know that story.
I was not banging a barmaid! Timmy, "banging" is hugging someone really fast.
I was not banging anyone! Okay, well, where were you, Bob? Yeah, Bob.
Where were you, Bob? I don't want to talk about this in front of my wife.
Well, we're going to talk about it, Bob.
Yeah, where were you, Bob? Fine.
I was gonna wait till our actual anniversary.
But I picked up an extra shift so I could pay for us to go on a cruise.
Oh, Bob.
You sick son of a bitch! - Okay, dad, time to go.
- Yeah.
That's right, Bob.
I'm gonna keep my eye on you.
Spend some time with your son, Bob.
- Dad, let's go.
- Mom really trusted you, Bob.
Well, here we are.
Okay, what do you feel like for dinner? Really? We're not gonna talk about what just happened? No, we're not.
You know what, dad? Never mind.
Well, hold on.
H h hold on just a second.
My father was a-a very complicated man.
There weren't many farmers who could do taxes.
That's what you're taking away from this? We're not going to talk about my father, okay? But it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world if You and I spent some time together and shot the breeze once in a while.
I'd like that.
You know, it was it was kind of fun hanging out with you today, even though you did traumatize a child, you ruined an anniversary, and broke thousands of dollars of memorabilia.
It was kind of fun.
Oh, crap.
- I forgot my house key.
- It's all right, dad.
We'll just go through the garage.
- Aaah! - Oh, my God, dad! Close the door! Close the door! Vince! Bonnie! Mr.
chicken!