My Name is Earl s01e12 Episode Script

One thing about cold nights at the motel, Randy and I slept like babies.
- But that wasn'tjust because of the temperature.
- Gas leak.
Get up.
- You're all being poisoned.
- Five more minutes.
- Five minutes, you'll be dead.
- Four more minutes? Man, it's freezin' in here.
Put on your coat before you get a runny nose and ruin all your long sleeves again.
One good thing about the cold is finding things in your coat pockets you forgot you put there a year ago.
Hey, look! It's Mr.
Fishy.
That's where he was.
Guess you were right, Earl.
I'm not ready for a pet.
Man, I remember this.
Number 202 on my list- stole a wallet from a guy at a gas station.
A few years ago, I was hanging out in a gas station bathroom waitin'for some guy to drop his pants and provide me with an opportunity.
Whoo-hoo! Ah, they have my favorite brand of toilet paper in here.
Soft stuff.
You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me.
Every time somethin'good happened to me somethin'bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin'to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
I had stolen a lot of wallets in my day - but that one was the mother lode.
- Whoo-hoo! So, that afternoon, we took the money toJasper's for a little shopping spree.
Jasper's is kind oflike the mall, only it's in a storage unit and everything there is stolen from the mall.
And with a thousand dollars to spend, we were living like kings.
Hey, we're out of lime mix so these margaritas are gonna have to be cola flavored or extreme cherry.
Why can't you just give him back his wallet with a thousand dollars of your lottery money? I like my helmet.
It reminds me of kindergarten.
This stuff was bought with stolen money.
It's got bad karma all over it.
It all has to go back.
Unfortunately, when I tracked down the slushy machine I found someone had moved in.
Yeah, I got it set up like a turtle house, with a turtle and whatnot.
Does he use that exercise wheel? - Not as much as I hoped he would.
- Does he do any tricks? If you yawn a lot, sometimes he copies you.
I hate to take your buddy's home away, but I really have to.
Oh, it's okay, Earl.
I think he needs more space anyway.
Here.
I'll just let him go free range on the carpet.
Hey, Mr.
Turtle.
That thing starts beggin'at the table, it's gonna become an outside turtle.
You ever try to stick your finger inside to see what's under the shell? Yeah.
H-He don't like it.
This stuff isn't stolen, is it? - Of course it is.
We bought it here.
- Yeah.
- When'd you get a computer? - About a month ago.
I take orders online now.
I steal a Wi-Fi signal from that apartment building across the street.
- You been online? - No.
Oh, it's wild.
Wild! That's where I got my Russian bride.
Shut the sheet.
Light is putting glare on Montel.
- Cool.
Hey, say, "Moose and squirrel.
" - Moose and squirrel.
- Yup.
That's how I thought she'd say it.
- Not bad, huh? You get free shipping if they're over 30.
He write an e-mail he live in gated community.
My crate on boat was bigger than this.
Where do you live, big boy? You have shower? You want wife? - Earl? - Okay, baby.
That's enough.
She likes to flirt with people.
But at the end of the day, she's all mine.
No kiss on lips! Yeah.
Now that we had the money it was time to cross that stolen wallet off the list.
My wallet.
That's amazing.
Where'd you find it? Well, uh, I found it at a gas station in a bathroom, in a pair of pants around your ankles.
You stole it? You're a crook! What is that, Earl? What is it? - Jeff, call the cops! - No, no, no, no.
Don't.
Please, don't call the cops.
I- I'm trying to make this up to you.
I'm no longer a crook.
I've turned my life around.
Oh, it's cool, Earl.
They won't call.
I cut the cord.
- Randy! - We're gonna die.
No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm so- Look.
You're not gonna die.
I'm sorry.
I'll make up for that too.
Just please listen to me.
Randy, fix the phone cord.
- But, Earl, they were gonna call the cops, and then we- - Fix the phone cord.
It took a while, but eventually I calmed them down and explained to 'em how my life is now guided by karma and how I wanted to do good things.
- Phone works again.
- We appreciate how you're changing your life.
But you stole the money from our wedding, man.
That was our honeymoon money.
Yeah, you stole our honeymoon.
Ran-What did you do that for? I thought they were gettin' mad again.
Just fix it.
You were saying? We were filling up and heading to the beach for our honeymoon but after you took all our money, we had to come home.
Look, I-I'm sorry.
I-I really am.
But I've replaced the money, so why don't you just have a do-over honeymoon? Oh, can we, Jeff? I really want my honeymoon in the sun.
You promised.
Look, even if my boss will give me a week off, which I doubt I can't afford to miss a week's pay.
What if I cover for you? I could work for you, and at the end of the week, you keep the paycheck.
You think your boss will go for that? I guess we could ask him.
With Jeff on board, all I had to do was convince his boss to let me fill in for him at work.
- You speak English? - Yep, and I'm a quick learner.
Got all your fingers? Do they bend? I've been fooled before.
All right.
You're hired.
Mr.
Patrick's real particular about his fries.
Real particu- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
My retainer fell in.
- I-I- I'll get it.
- No.
If he sees you take it out, he'll know I dropped it in again.
Just leave it.
Hey, Marlboro Man.
Why don't you trot on over here? Are you, uh- you and E.
coli buddies? Is that the little Asian fella in the back who does the dishes? No, E.
coli, Hickey.
Parasites.
You left a little party zone for 'em right here in the groove.
- I- I wiped there.
- Oh, really? Let's see if you didn't miss a spot.
Oh, you did a good job.
You did a really good job.
I would say it's clean enough to eat off of.
- Why don't you take a bite? - What? Hey, everybody! Watch Earl eat a french fry off his well-wiped counter groove.
What Mr.
Patrick didn't realize is that taking orders from a boss was never really my strong suit.
You stupid idiot! So, what's it gonna be? There were about a dozen things I wanted to do with that french fry but that would have costJeffhis job, and karma wouldn't like that one bit.
Attaboy.
You'll catch on.
That's okay.
I had to eat a hamburger patty he wiped on a toilet seat.
You can feel good about your decision to eat here.
My brother didn't spit in it.
He's into karma and whatnot.
Hey, Hickey.
What was this doing in the trash? It was empty.
You said recycling was for morons.
Check under the rim.
There was six burgers' worth of mayo you could swab out of there.
Use your head.
Now, scrape that out and go work drive-through.
- Will do.
- What a jerk.
- You should report that guy to the manager.
- He is the manager.
Oh.
Then he already knows.
Look, it's no big deal.
I don't let guys like that bug me anymore, Randy.
Karma's given me a whole new outlook on life.
I've learned it's not my job to punish people who are mean to me.
It's karma's.
People like that always get what they deserve.
I didn't need to worry about Mr.
Patrick.
I just needed to worry about keeping this job, no matter how bad it got.
Four, your order's ready.
Four.
Oh, my God! Earl Hickey working as a burger dummy.
Look.
I think we're gonna go ahead and park and come on in.
Well, look at you all dressed up in that cute uniform.
And they even had your size- extra dorky.
Welcome to Stars.
May I take your order? And your clothes look stupid too.
Hey, Crab Man.
Hey, Crab Man's turtle.
Hey, Earl.
That's from both of us.
We'll take two number-one combos, please.
Can you throw in a piece oflettuce for Mr.
Turtle? He likes arugula, if you got it.
- That's 6.
44.
- Thank you very much, sir.
Have a nice day.
Joy, you gave me a wadded-up Kleenex.
Come on.
Don't go all goody-two-shoes on me.
Hook me up.
That's stealing, Joy.
I can't do that.
Ow! Oh, my God! Is there a manager in the house? - I just found a piece of hair in my food.
- Joy, stop it.
Is there a problem over here? Oh, there's a problem.
A hair fell off your employee into my french fries.
I'm not paying for these.
I am sorry about that, ma'am.
And you should be wearing a hairnet.
Oh, you know what? This is a short one.
Actually, you know what I think? This is a mustache hair.
Thank you so much.
I feel so much better now.
I think we all feel better.
Do you feel better, Hickey? Not really.
- You want one for your eyebrows? - I feel fine, sir.
Good.
Now I want you to go in the back and sponge down the baby-changing table.
A kid scooted his ass across it like a dog does.
Go on.
Do it.
Go on.
Do it.
As hard as it was to stand there and take it I had to keep reminding myself why I was there and that karma would take care of Mr.
Patrick.
Nice job, Hickey.
Why don't you take a break? Thank you, sir.
I- Uh-oh.
Now those are damaged and unfit for our valued customers.
Why don't you drive those over to my house, you know, being you're on break and all? You're taking all those rolls to Mr.
Patrick's house? He goes through a lot of toilet paper because he's so full of crap! Yes! Listen, Xena.
Try not to get so worked up by Mr.
Patrick.
He'll get his payback.
There's a thing in this universe, an uncontrolled force.
- It's called- - I love you too, Earl.
You'll be my first.
No, no, no, no.
No.
I was talking about karma.
Oh.
Karma.
It, uh, takes care of mean people.
Mr.
Patrick will get everything he deserves.
But as I drove up to Mr.
Patrick's house I realized he had way more than he deserved.
He had a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood, but that wasn't all.
Hi! Come on in.
Pat told me you were coming.
He also had a beautiful wife he didn't deserve.
Is-Is there any chance that Mr.
Patrick is your brother? I hope not, not with all the stuff I let him do to me.
Anyway, wait right here.
I'm gonna go get the dry cleaning Pat said you'd take in.
I couldn't believe Mr.
Patrick scored a woman like that and a house like this.
And, as I took a look around the rest of the place, it only got worse.
There he was, sitting in the back of a brand-new, customized F-250 complete with stenciling.
And how he got so many friends, I have no idea.
And I couldn't imagine him doing anything good enough in life to deserve a special mug saying it.
No way.
Oh, sorry.
I was just, uh- looking at Mr.
Patrick's best stuff mugs.
Oh.
Well, that one's not his.
- Really? - It's mine.
Of course it is.
Of course it is.
Here you go.
I don't get it, Randy.
It doesn't make sense.
Karma should be kicking the crap out of a guy like that.
Maybe he's nice outside of work.
- He could deserve good karma that way, right? - I don't know.
Even if he pulled his face off, and underneath was that guy from U2 that does all that charity he still wouldn't deserve a wife that hot.
Maybe he's being punished in some secret way.
I had a horrible uncle with a hot wife and a big house but later we found out that the house and the wife both had mold in the basement.
Mold in the basement.
Well, maybe there's more to Mr.
Patrick that I don't know.
Bono.
That's the guy from U2- Sonny Bono.
I should be on that show where you have to remember the names of things.
What's it called? I decided to keep a much closer eye on Mr.
Patrick hoping I'd find hidden information that would make sense ofhis life.
Maybe I'd discover he was a better man than I thought.
But he wasn't.
As far as I could tell, Mr.
Patrick never did anything good.
And when he had the chance to do the right thing, he didn't.
This guy definitely didn't deserve all the nice things he had.
He even had a nice little thing he was cheating on his wife with.
Nope.
Mr.
Patrick didn't seem to be suffering one bit.
Itjust didn't make sense.
He wasn't gettin'punished at all for any of the bad things he was doing.
There was only one place left to look one place karma could be punishing him.
I didn't want to check there, but I had to.
Come on, man! Ah, I'm just having a little trouble working up a stream.
Try blowin' on it.
Excuse me? There you go.
Thank you, sir.
I could see that karma wasn't punishing Mr.
Patrick.
What I didn't get was why it was punishing me.
- What do you want- a snake, an eel or an earthworm? - I want a dinosaur.
- A dinosaur? Here.
- This is not a dinosaur.
Sure, it is.
It's a Balloon-osaurus rex.
Now, get out of here.
Hickey.
! You take these balloons back from these kids and you start making poodles and funny hats right now.
I told you, I don't know how to make balloon animals.
You don't know how to make a balloon animal? Are you telling me that you're too stupid to understand how to bend a balloon? It's amazing how humiliated you can feel dressed as a hamburger, being poked by a balloon.
Now, you apologize to these children right now! See this, kids? This is why you stay in school.
So you don't end up in a hamburger outfit, too stupid to bend balloons.
Hickey, I told you to apologize.
What's your problem? I want you to apologize to these kids right now.
Are you too stupid to say you're stupid? No one has ever treated me that bad before and gotten away with it especially a boss.
But I stuck with karma this long, so I knew I had to keep my cool.
Unfortunately, knowing something and doing something are two different things.
Whoa! Take it easy, Xena! You don't wanna swallow that new retainer.
Oh, God! Your hands on my body feel so right.
- What? - Nothing.
I felt bad about sending Mr.
Patrick to the emergency room but when I found out what I started, I felt even worse.
Thanks to me, the women he tried so hard to keep separate- well, they were finally brought together.
Seems I hurt more than just Mr.
Patrick's eye.
- World's- - Hey, come on! - best- - Not the mugs! - son of a bitch! - Charmaine! And while his wife was kicking him out for seeing another woman she found out how he was able to afford another woman.
Turned out law enforcement was as unhappy about his behavior as she was.
I felt awful.
I just wanted to hit the guy, not ruin his life.
I wish I could say something to make you feel better.
I don't know what you can say, Randy.
I started out trying to do something good and ended up getting the guy divorced and thrown in jail.
I screwed up.
That's all there is to it.
You said karma would get him eventually.
- I said karma, not my fist.
- But karma doesn't have fists.
You know what? You're right.
Karma doesn't have fists.
Karma doesn't have hands at all, or feet.
Does karma have feet? Maybe karma's behind this whole thing, Randy.
I mean, the guy finally got what he deserved.
- Maybe karma just borrowed my fist to give it to him.
- 'Cause karma doesn't have fists.
Wow.
Karma used me to do its dirty work.
Nice move, karma.
Nice move.
As it turned out, notjust to punish a bad guy but to reward some good people too.
Mrs.
Patrick took ownership of the restaurant and madeJeff the manager.
And with Jeff as manager, everybody got raises - and health insurance to cover new retainers for Xena.
In the end, everyone got what they deserved and I was able to cross number 202 off my list.
Oh.
It's a burger.
Hey, Earl.
I saw that mouse again.
- Want me to try and get him? - No, I like him.
I was thinking maybe we should name him, you know? And that way he'd be our pet and not just a mouse.
- How 'bout William? - Nah.
I don't like William.
We could call him Bill for short.
I never understood how Bill was short for William.
If anything, Bill should be short for Billiam, you know? If anything, Bill should be short for Billiam, you know? - Good night, Earl.
- Good night, Randy.
Good night, Billiam.