New Girl s01e12 Episode Script

[HORN HONKS.]
Hey, hey, hey, man, this is my spot.
I was here first.
- That's my space, huh? - This isn't Europe.
Move.
Come on, Nick.
Maybe he's a really nice guy - who's just having a bad day.
- I don't care.
Get that piece of crap out of my space.
JESS: Don't-- - Come on.
Why don't you come here, take my pants off JESS: Nick.
- and kiss my-- ? - Oh! - Oh, my God.
What do you got to say now? Huh? JESS: My God, it's like The Wire.
- He has a gun.
Stay down.
- Still think he's nice? - What I thought.
Maybe no one's been nice to him, violence is his tool to express himself.
- Hi.
- Get down.
What are you doing? JESS: Hi.
NlCK: Don't kill us.
- Don't use guns.
- Stop it.
Just stop it.
Just get down.
- Sorry.
Take the spot.
Be submissive.
JESS: Sir sorry about this guy.
- Don't apologize.
JESS: He's overreacting.
I'm overreacting? He has a gun and you're dressed like a bull's-eye.
JESS: Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
I can't believe this is working.
- You out-crazied a man with a gun.
MAN: Sorry.
JESS: Have a good day.
See? It worked.
You always see the worst in people.
- Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess Here we go again.
Another text message from work.
Look: "Tokyo call at 11 "? Driving me crazy.
What is she trying to say? I'm not an expert at your industry at all but sounds like there's a call.
From Tokyo.
Sometime today.
Oh, wait.
At 11.
You don't understand.
I've been getting a lot of mixed signals from my boss.
What is wrong with you? The world is not out to seduce you.
"And bring me the budget reports"? Why can't she just say what she wants? What kind of sick game is she playing? It's all in your head.
It's always in your head.
Non-fat vanilla latte.
We're not talking about coffee are we? Three, please.
Are you sure you want me to stop at three? I have a package for Schmidt.
Sir, I'm very flattered, but I must decline.
He said he had a package for Schmidt.
JESS: You're always starting fights with everyone.
- I mean, not everyone's out to get you.
- He had a gun, Jess.
He was literally out to get me.
Isn't Nick the most negative person you've ever met? Absolutely, and you know what? It all pools up in that sadness center below his belly.
He's not wrong, though.
His life is terrible.
You know what, Jess? I guess I don't live in a world where I smile, and people do what I want them to do.
- You never smile.
- A smile is a sign of weakness.
Ow! No.
All right, everybody relax.
[GARBAGE DlSPOSAL GRlNDlNG.]
[NlCK GRUNTlNG.]
Get out.
It's fixed.
JESS: Okay, Nick, I'm calling the landlord.
This is ridiculous.
Don't call the landlord.
We don't need him, and he's a jerk.
See, here's an example.
You never gave him the chance to show what a great guy he is.
- Jess.
He sucks.
- He's terrible.
Don't call the landlord, I'm serious.
Okay.
Hey, Kim, where should I put this budget report? - On the desk.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I'll just Thanks.
Schmidt, my files need sorting.
Do it here so I can watch.
Okay.
So you want me to sort your files? Is that right? - What are you doing? - What am l-- ? Hmm? Okay.
Because I got this one wet, I'm gonna I'm just gonna replace all of them.
Knock, knock.
Mr.
Landlord? Um I know you probably think cupcakes are totally lame.
I know I do so if you could do me a solid and take care of those extras? Cool office.
I like your bucket of gasoline.
It's super practical.
What you got there? Broom.
So I live in 4D.
There are a lot of real safety hazards in our loft.
Nothing a little landlording couldn't fix.
What do you say? No.
That's a sweet picture.
How old are your kids? I did that.
It's me and my ex-wife.
Okay, you know what? My roommates are really scared of you, but you're good, and you don't want - four of us in a dangerous apartment.
- The four? Apartment 4D, there's only supposed to be three people.
Oh.
Did I say four? You know what? I was counting myself twice.
It's so easy to do.
Big personality over here, so gonna go [MUMBLlNG.]
Hey, guys.
I've got a fun exercise.
Take a moment and think back to a time when they did something stupid, how they were treated - and how they wish they were treated.
- What did you do, Jess? [KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
REMY: Open up.
- Did you talk to the landlord? - Little bit.
- Okay.
Guys, go.
SCHMlDT: Ginny.
Call me Ginny.
JESS: Ginny.
SCHMlDT: I'm Ginny.
Okay, go.
NlCK: Right there.
WlNSTON: Let's go.
Go.
Okay.
NlCK: This is what we trained for.
- Go.
All the way, all the way.
- Be careful with the duvet.
NlCK: Shut up, Schmidt.
I'm freaking out.
JESS: Oh, my God.
- Told you we didn't practice this enough.
Jess, close those up.
SCHMlDT: Oh, there goes the chinos.
REMY: Brad.
Coach.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- [lN FORElGN ACCENT.]
Hello.
NlCK: Ginny.
SCHMlDT: I had such nice time visiting Los Angeles.
It's so many fancy people with their fancy lives.
Hollywood.
Goodbye.
- Bye, Ginny.
- Yeah, Ginny.
- Thank you.
JESS: Bye, Ginny.
NlCK: You're the best, Ginny.
SCHMlDT: Goodbye.
- I'll miss him.
- I love Ginny.
Someone told me you have four people living here.
That idiot probably doesn't know what she's talking about.
You don't want to go in the library.
Who left the library like this? - Know what? This is so embarrassing.
- You kidding me? WlNSTON: Who left the library? NlCK: Hey, hey, where you going, my man? WlNSTON: This is a mess.
Oh.
Ha, ha.
Hello.
Train to Panama all sold out.
Must be the Mardi Gras.
Good God, what is this? Why would you do this? This was Schmidt's room.
He painted this.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
It is a sexually-charged, zero-gravity tea ceremony.
Paint over it.
Or you pay for it.
Seems fair.
JESS: Who painted that? - Giancarlo.
NlCK: Some creepo Schmidt was obsessed with.
He used to wear I suggest you paint it, and you paint it fast.
Have fun, buddy.
To be honest, I was expecting a lot worse, so just Four people is fine.
Just paint over the sex wall and don't bother me anymore.
- Hey, sir, wait.
- Jess, let-- Let him go.
I just want to apologize on behalf of all of us for lying about how many live here.
- Stop.
JESS: But while you're here might as well just fix a few things.
Please, Remy? How did you know my name? They call you? JESS: I saw your tattoo that says, "Hello, My Name is Remy" and I just, I took a leap of faith.
Look, I know you're a good guy-- Okay, what do you want fixed? Close your eyes and point at something.
Her.
Not you.
Schmidt? Yeah.
- I need you to clean up my hard drive.
- Okay, want me to reformat first? I said, I need you to clean up my hard drive.
REMY: I should have seen a divorce coming.
You know, we stopped doing the little things, like talking.
One day, we were humping.
Then everything changed.
We weren't humping.
- That must have been really hard.
- Ahem.
You know, it was what it was.
Come on, Remy.
- lt was hard.
- lt was hard.
All right, give it a shot.
JESS: Great.
Okay.
Oh.
Here, I'll help.
Get All right.
I'll brace, you pull back.
JESS: Okay.
REMY: Use your hips.
JESS: Okay.
REMY: Oh! - That's good.
JESS: That's it? Okay.
That'll do it.
Hey, Jess.
Can I talk to you for a minute alone? So, what's up? Ready to admit you were wrong? [SlNG-SONG.]
"Hello.
My name is Nick, and I like eating crow.
" - That man wants to sleep with you.
- He doesn't.
- Yes, he does.
- He was showing me-- Anytime a man shows how to do something from behind it's just an excuse for him to get really close and breathe on her neck.
- Watch any sports movie.
- That is not a thing.
You mind picking up that mug? No, you're doing it all wrong.
Here, let me show you.
No, no.
I've been doing this for years.
The way to pick up a mug is like that.
You got to relax.
- Wasn't doing that.
- Exactly what he was doing.
- You see the worst in people.
- Because people are the worst.
Whoa.
Ha-ha.
Five bucks.
Look out, college.
Here I come.
Ha-ha-ha.
That's it.
People stink.
You must have been doing something.
Are you defending the man who pushed me into the bushes? People can be good.
You just have to give them a chance.
MAN: Hey, little girl.
You like candy? I sure do.
Great.
My nana made way too much.
Why can't you admit you were wrong? I was nice, and now he's fixing our apartment.
REMY: I'm working up an appetite in there.
Boy, I hope you don't mind the smell of a real man in your room.
Let me know when you want to get started on that bed.
Okay.
He's turning my mattress.
Yeah.
This is so wonderful.
Oh, come on.
Don't you ever wear jeans? You look like you should be distracting Bond at a baccarat table.
No, I'm gonna go meet Kyle.
Jess loaned me her seasickness bracelets.
Going to a party on Greg Kinnear's boat.
You're going to a party on Neptune's Folly? Yeah, relax.
He's not going to be there.
I know, he's in Rio till the 16th.
Cece can I talk to you, as a? As a woman? All right, Schmidt.
Okay.
My boss and l, we're running a pre-sex marathon right now and I feel like we're stuck in mile 25.
I'm cramping.
My toenails are falling off, I'm peeing down my leg.
I can see the finish line, but I can't get there.
- I need to put one of these on.
- The problem is we don't talk.
I don't know what she's thinking.
Should I make a move or not? Stop asking permission and go get it.
That's what I would want.
There's nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you.
Nothing? What if I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig? What if I called my mom after sex to describe it to her? What if I had a croissant blog? - Two of these now.
NlCK: We're the best.
Hey, Bob Ross, how's painting going? Going absolutely fantastic, Schmidt because everything is easy "when you are a battleship, invading the Bay of Success.
" - What? WlNSTON: I have here Schmidt's New Year's resolutions from 2007.
- Please, read on.
NlCK: Read my favorite one.
"Stop pursuing Caroline.
She's Nick's girl.
- Deal with it.
" - Deal with it.
She's my girl.
- Where'd you find that? - Do not stop reading this.
I was very young.
And drunk.
Were you too drunk to "begin the search for the cocoon - Cocoon.
Heh, heh.
- that will release your butterfly"? No, it does not say that one.
- Number three.
CECE: Come on.
Ha-ha.
- Why are you doing this? - I just got bored painting over your interplanetary ass dojo.
This is my favorite.
"Find out where Winston gets his sparkle and then steal it.
" NlCK: Steal - You were gonna steal my sparkle? SCHMlDT: Give me that.
The funniest thing just happened.
I was watching Remy fix the sink, and I got totally soaked.
You were so wet.
Man overboard.
So I invited Remy over for dinner to thank him for all the stuff he's been doing around the apartment.
Who's in? - I gotta - I got a boat, so So I guess it'll just be me and Jess.
Uh, heh, heh.
Oh, no, Remy.
I changed my mind, I'll be there.
Just watching you.
Remy brought a bottle of this.
I ferment things in the basement.
I also make cheese.
- You're not drinking that, Jess.
- Yes, I am, Remy made it.
- Ahh.
- Think you can handle some, Nick? I'm okay.
Need to stay sober to fight you.
Nick, be nice.
How hard could it be to just open yourself up a little bit? Dip your toe in the pool of possibilities.
Yeah, Nick.
Dip your toe.
You guys have a lot in common.
Nick went through a breakup that was really hard.
- Schmidt said your mom had to fly out.
- That was a scheduled trip.
Did you smell your girl on your sheets for months until they were too soaked through with your own sweat and tears? No.
Did you punch out all the windows until you hit the wall and broke your hand? Did you go out, looking for companionship a little human warmth only to come to in the woods covered in animal blood? In my own way.
Come here, man.
[NlCK SlGHS.]
REMY: It's gonna be okay.
Yeah.
Well, I guess I'll just go home and open a bottle of wine.
Yeah, I'll probably just do the same.
[MUMBLlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY.]
[CAR ALARM CHlRPS.]
[CAR ALARM CHlRPS.]
[CAR ALARM WAlLlNG.]
I want you now.
- Finally.
- Yeah.
[TlRES SCREECH.]
SCHMlDT: No, no, no, she wanted me to-- - Oh - No, no.
My God.
- Stop hitting him.
SCHMlDT: She wanted-- Consensual.
Tap out.
Ow.
Tap out.
[ALL LAUGHlNG.]
Oh, man, tonight is just I I I honestly didn't know if I'd ever enjoy myself again.
So thanks.
Bathroom break.
Ahem.
See? I was right.
- What do you mean? - You're wrong.
He's buttering me up so he can move in on you? - Why can't you admit you were wrong? - How have you lived on your own? There's no part of that man wants to sleep with me.
NlCK: He's been creeping on you.
JESS: No, he hasn't.
NlCK: Open your eyes, like, I'm worried-- JESS: No.
Oh.
Hey, Remy, what happened to your pants? I've never done a threesome.
That's what we're doing here, right? This I did not expect.
I love watching you be wrong, Jess.
I might've been a bit off about Remy but people are good, and I'm not wrong about that.
- People are jerks.
- He is hurting from his divorce-- Are you still making excuses for this guy? Look, if you feel so bad, then just get in there.
Just dip your toe into the pool of possibility.
Hey, Remy, let's get weird and toss that ball around, huh? So turned on.
Okay, you would have a threesome with that man to get me to admit I'm wrong? I think we could do a lot worse than Remy.
He's got strong arms.
[SHOES CLATTERlNG.]
Let's have a threesome.
[GROANS.]
All right, so a ménage à trois is about three of us.
- Sure.
- Trois "ménage-ing" fully.
[SPEAKS lN FRENCH.]
Okay.
This is happening with this guy.
This is happening right now, Jess.
- Yeah.
- So it's gonna get even more uncomfortable.
We have to keep talking with each other.
Around and communicating.
Let's get some relax music going.
- Great idea.
Thank you.
- Okay? All right.
JESS [WHlSPERlNG.]
: Why can't you admit he's a good guy? We're about to have a ménage a trois because you won't admit you're wrong.
JESS: I'm just saying he's a good guy.
NlCK: You're out of your mind.
[RUSTED ROOT'S "SEND ME ON MY WAY" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
- Yeah, get into it.
- I am so into this.
I can't wait until we're all "ménage-ing.
" - Are you into this, Jess? - [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Yeah.
- Say you're wrong.
- No.
It's great.
- Say it's over and it's over.
- Okay.
Don't get nervous, Nick.
[NlCK MOUTHlNG.]
This is just a regular conversation we're having.
NlCK: Yeah.
- Except I'm rubbing.
NlCK: That's right.
- And I'm going to start unbuttoning your pants and then I'm gonna unbutton my shirt.
I'm not gonna take my underpants off.
Not right away.
I'm gonna keep my underpants on until I let you take my underpants off me.
Okay? Because you are gonna be the underpants captain tonight.
- Makes sense.
- Great choice, Remy.
Nick will make a fantastic underpants captain.
Let's bring it in.
Okay.
You two get us started.
- Get it started? - Yeah.
- All right? - Us two? REMY: Go ahead.
- Started.
You know what to do.
Breathe into each other.
- Oh, yeah, Jess.
REMY: I'm not here.
Relax into the ménage.
Let's get this started.
- You doing this? JESS: Yes.
- Are you? - Yes.
I will do it.
- Okay.
We're gonna.
- Let's do this.
- I will.
- Say you're wrong, and it's over.
- I'm not.
- You can't do this, but I can.
Okay.
Let's do this, Nick.
- Let's do it, Jess.
- I can do it.
No.
Okay, fine.
I admit it.
I'm wrong.
Yes.
Yes.
JESS: I'm sorry, Remy.
REMY: What, we're not doing this? NlCK: Not doing it.
JESS: No.
I get it, cold feet is just, it's part of the journey, so Whoa.
What is going on in here? All right, I am not ready for a four-way.
That's I'm I'm I'm out of this.
To be honest, I'm kind of riding a weird ego high.
Why didn't you tell me four people couldn't live in this apartment? If we're gonna do a shenanigan, I'm fine with doing shenanigans.
I love shenanigans, as long as no one gets hurt.
- Ow! - Oh.
Okay, just so we're clear, we're gonna have to live with this, right? - Yep.
- Absolutely.
SCHMlDT: Hey, Kim? I just wanted to apologize for yesterday.
I hope you didn't get into trouble.
I really don't want to lose my job, okay? I've worked at Associated Strategies for six years.
Nothing means more to me than Ass Strat.
Your lip is bleeding.
It opens back up when I talk.
Look Kim, this wasn't your standard 2 a.
m.
mistaken assault in the parking garage.
I've had a thing for you ever since I was the husky kid in the mailroom.
And if If you don't believe me there you go.
Straight from '07.
Read resolution number four.
It's about you.
"Only think about hot new CFO every other time I masturbate.
" I did not live up to the challenge.
Number seven: "Start floating idea that people call me Mr.
Finish slash Game-Time Jones, slash The Hook-up-erator.
" - Can l? - Number nine: "Pick a color of Crocs and buy them already.
" Okay, thank you.
Hey.
Go into the conference room and dial me into the Tokyo call.
Now.
Yeah.
Pants.
Pants.
[SCHMlDT SlGHS.]
[SCHMlDT COUNTlNG lN JAPANESE.]
Five, six.
I dialed you into the Tokyo conference call.
[CLlCKS TONGUE.]
Yo you look awesome.
My door is always open.