Nobodies (2017) s01e12 Episode Script

1 This is so incredible.
Just be cool.
No-no-no, I'm cool, I'm cool.
Hi, uh, we have an appointment with Ethan Flaum.
Hugh Davidson, Larry Dorf, Rachel Ramras.
Okay, just have a seat, and I will let his assistant know you're here.
Great, thank you.
Who does Ethan represent? Big people.
Like, top screenwriters.
Uh, I'd hate to break it to you, we are now top screenwriters also.
I mean, we have Paul Skidmore directing our movie.
We have Melissa McCarthy starring in our movie.
I mean, that's about as big as it gets.
Phew, I wonder how much money we're gonna get.
I mean, this is fast for an offer to be made, right? Well, I'm not sure any amount of money is worth Melissa torturing us for the next year.
Uh, there is an amount of money, and we're gonna take it.
And we're gonna deposit it in our banks.
And when Melissa's yelling at us, we're gonna go online to our banks and look at our balance, and it'll all be worth it.
Okay what do you think? What? Hey, guys, I'm Bradley, Ethan's assistant follow me? - Yes.
- Love your shoes.
- Oh, thank - Thank you.
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
Sam asked me to move in with her this morning.
To her house? Isn't that fast? What'd you say? I said I need to think about it.
That seems fast.
What is there to think about? You guys like each other, uh, she's producing our movie.
Well, I have packed.
So you're just moving to Malibu? Malibu's great.
I love that little general store with those little caprese sandwiches.
Love the air, just (sniffing) Ahh.
Here we are.
Well, if you want Demi Lovato, it's gonna be more than that.
Yeah, it's a lot more.
Then I'll just pull her! Can I get anyone water or coffee? Oh, we're good, thanks.
I'll take a water.
And a coffee.
No, I'm not kidding.
Great, deal's off, bye.
- (sighing) - (phone slams) Is that guy a little old to be an assistant? Yeah, there's something wrong with him.
Oh, Lois looks so cute here.
Where was this? Oh, we took her to the Gagosian Gallery a few weeks ago.
Oh, that sounds like fun for a seven-year-old.
Maybe you can get a photo when you park her in front of the TV this weekend.
Okay, so I spoke with the business affairs people at Paul Skidmore's office, and their initial offer is really good.
Like, I've never seen an offer this high for first-time screenwriters.
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
What is the offer? So sorry milk soy milk Rice Dream? Oh, for the coffee.
Um eh I'm sorry, what were the choices? He'll have nothing, no coffee, no water.
You can't have anything, okay? Uh, I apologize for my colleague.
Um, you were saying the offer The offer is $375,000.
Um, split three ways.
No, for each of you.
- Oh - What? Oh, my God, yeah great! This is great, we'll we accept the offer.
Hold hold on, we still want to counter.
No, we don't wanna counter.
Maybe we want to counter, he says we should counter.
It would be strange if I didn't counter.
Okay, but what you're saying is that, no matter what, it'll never be less than $375,000 for each of us? Correct.
I mean, I really think people in our tax bracket should not have to climb all these stairs.
(chuckling) Gross.
Well, we won't have to for very much longer.
Why? Well, 'cause we're gonna have to quit.
What? When? I dunno, soon, a couple of weeks.
I mean, we can't do this and Mr.
First Lady.
- Uh-huh.
- Paul said we'd be on the set.
Well, what does that mean, we say "I quit"? Just say, "I quit"? Oh, that would be so satisfying.
I mean, I've been wanting to do that for years.
To be able to leave the kids' business and say I am better than this.
I am better than all of you.
I hope you all die.
- Oh, well, that's nice.
- Very sorry, Allison.
- To Allison.
- That was very mean, I apologize.
Whoa, whoa-who-whoa you guys can't be here right now.
What're you talking about? That sexual harassment meeting yesterday.
It was mandatory.
I told you guys that.
Connie said whoever wasn't at that meeting is suspended without pay until she can schedule another one.
- (all) What? - That's crazy.
Come on! Hey, I know, and I went to bat for you guys.
But then Connie pulled out the smoking gun.
The porn on your computer, Rachel.
That's Craig! Craig goes on my computer.
That's not me, I don't look at pornography.
You know what, Allen, we quit.
Hold on, you you can't quit the show.
You guys are the Fartlemans.
You're also three of the best darn people I have ever met in my life.
(dinging) That's my burrito.
You didn't want anything from the office? I just wanted to get out of there Allen was crying so much.
His little face was all red.
I know, it was awful.
Oh, one final trip to the supply closet for you, I see.
I never got to say my "I'm better than you" speech.
So they owe me.
Wait up! Wait up! What does Ken Choi want? I heard you were leaving, so I must say I feel that I'm somewhat to blame.
If it weren't for me, there wouldn't be any necessary for this sexual harassment party I mean "meetings.
" And none of this would be happening.
I want you to have these before you leave.
- They're nudes.
- I see that.
Engaging in sexual activities with mythical creatures.
Look at me go.
Do you like 'em? You know, I'm not sure how I feel Ethan.
- Oh, no.
- Hello? Hey, Rachel, it's Bradley from Ethan Flaum's office.
I have Ethan for you.
I'm just gonna loop in Larry and Hugh.
Hold for a moment, please.
No-no, they're actually here with me.
Uh I'm on hold.
Ken, can you give us a second, please? Oh, yes, of course.
Well, I guess it's time to bid you farewell.
Rachel.
I want you to know that you have stolen my heart.
- (phone ringing) - (speaking Chinese) - I don't speak - Is that the ICM number? Yeah, just answer it.
God, I bet the deal fell through.
Hello, this is Larry.
Hey, Larry, it's Bradley from Ethan Flaum's office.
I have Rachel and Ethan for you.
I'm gonna go ahead and loop in Hugh.
Hold for a moment, please.
speaker, now I'm on hold.
Ken, I'm so sorry.
Could you just, um, you know? Of course, of course.
- Yes.
- Okey-dokey.
- Bye-bye.
- Au revoir.
Yeah, okay, just keep walking.
- (phone ringing) - Oh, now it's my turn.
Hey, Hugh, it's Bradley from Ethan Flaum's office.
I have Larry, Rachel, and Ethan for you.
Go ahead, Ethan.
Hello? There's nobody on the phone.
Something's wrong with you! So sorry, I pushed the wrong button.
I'll call you guys back.
Oh, God.
This is bad.
You don't know that.
I do know that.
We shouldn't've countered.
He thinks he's a big-shot.
If he was that good, he'd be at CAA.
- Oh - This deal is done.
I guarantee you, it's over.
- Larry, calm - Something happened, it's off.
Just, we shouldn't've I don't know why we quit.
- Larry.
- Just I'm gonna go talk to Allen, and what do you mean quit panicking? It's too late for that just hold that.
I'm talking to Allen.
(sobbing) Allen! Oh, Larry! Thank God! - Yeah - (phone ringing) Hold on one second.
Hello? Hey, Larry, it's Bradley from Ethan Flaum's office.
I've got Hugh, Rachel, and Ethan.
Go ahead, Ethan.
Hey, I have great news.
They accepted the counter, and I countered big.
I mean, I have never had this happen before.
What was the counter? You guys sitting down? (all) Yes.
You are each gonna get $500,000.
Ahh Paul and Melissa have a small window to do a movie together, so the studio was extremely motivated to close the deal.
This is insane! So what does this mean? Do we sign something or Okay, the paperwork'll be done in a couple of days.
You'll sign it, and it will all be official.
So go celebrate, guys! Ahh, we will celebrate, thank you very much.
- Thank you! - Thanks! Aah! Oh, my (screeching) What are we celebrating? Are Hugh and Rachel coming back, too? Uh, no and neither am I.
Goodbye.
Oh $500,000! Oh, my God.
Okay, seriously, is it too early to go get a celebratory drink? It's not even noon.
Maybe I go pick Lois up from school I never get to do that.
All right, tonight.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
A real celebration, somewhere nice.
- Yes! - It's incredible.
You didn't take anything from the office? Maybe I'll go get my stuff, my photos and things all right, I'll see you guys tonight.
- All right.
- All right.
I'll hang on to these.
Guess I'll just go home.
Which home? Nice home in Malibu or terrible home with Pat? (laughing) Later, Richie Rich.
- Ramras.
- Oh hey, Craig.
Hi, just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I feel responsible for you leaving because all that pornography on your computer, that was because of me.
Because I secretly used to come in here I mean, it wasn't a secret 'cause we we've seen you do it.
You've seen me masturbate in your office chair? What? Never mind.
Hey, buddy.
- See you at church.
- See you at church.
Rachel I knew you'd be the one to come back.
You're the heart.
You're the glue.
And now you're gonna help me get the other fellas back.
Um no, we we we're still quitting.
Um, so I probably won't see you again.
Sorry.
(sobbing) (sighing) (phone chiming) Hey, hon.
What're you doing? Growing two babies inside my body, trying not to vomit.
You should come outside.
What? No, trust me, it's worth it.
(door opens) What is that? Oh, this? This is our brand-new Mercedes Benz Sprinter Luxury MiniBus.
It's the only way to travel for a growing and now very successful family.
- They bought the script? - They bought the script.
- They bought the script.
- Oh! They bought the script! Are you gonna throw up? Are you gonna throw up? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's all right.
What do you say we go pick up the kids and blow their minds? Oh, you're so gross.
When you're wealthy, they call it eccentric.
- (door ringing) - (groaning) Are you ready to ride? - Oh - (tires screeching) - Honey - What? I have no room on this side either.
What's the surprise? Give me a hint.
No hints.
Are we going to Hawaii? No.
Okay, let's go see your surprise A puppy?! Isn't she cute? You get to name her.
I thought you said we couldn't have a dog because we don't have a yard.
Well, maybe it's time we get a real house with a real yard.
Really? You promise.
I promise, and maybe even a pool (gasping) Do you want to live in a big house With Lois? Oh, honey, she likes you.
Yeah, she really does.
(laughing) What the hello? Pat? Hugh? Sam? Aah! What are you doing here? You ruined the surprise! Surprise? - Hey.
- Hey.
Libby and I were gonna move all your stuff into my place before you got home.
Ahh.
Uh who's Libby? You guys have never met? She's my assistant.
- Libby! - Coming! I am so bummed.
Just came home, and I ruined it.
Ooh, I just killed a spider.
Ugh Libby, this is Hugh.
Hi, nice to meet you.
You, too.
Um, are we taking any of the furniture? It's pretty gross.
Mm-mm, no, you know what to do.
Cool, got the clothes.
Oh.
Hey, I haven't even said congratulations! Oh right.
- Yeah.
- Are we gonna go out tonight? Are we gonna celebrate? Uh, well, you um I'm supposed to celebrate with Rachel and Larry.
Oh, of course.
That sounds so fun.
Well, listen, I'm gonna get back to work.
Will you tell them I said congratulations? Yeah, yeah.
And I will see you at home sometime tonight.
Ahh, yes, home.
Okay.
And Libby's gonna stay here.
She's gonna take care of everything.
So you don't have to do anything.
- Okay.
- Okay? It's all gonna be okay, don't stress.
Bye Bye, Pat! Sam, good seeing you.
Hey, Malibu Hugh.
Ugh, smells like dudes in here.
Well, that's who we got living here, so.
Yeah, I don't like it.
Thanks for coming back to say goodbye.
Thought she was gonna do it for you there for a while.
Hey, listen, um, I will, um help with rent until you can get someone in here.
Ahh, don't worry about it, man.
Sam gave me a check this morning, and I did cash it.
Wow.
Sam's really taking care of everything, isn't she? (muttering) This is nice.
Appropriate.
- Hi.
- Hi, uh, reservation for Ramras, party of three.
- Yes.
- Thank you.
So pretty.
- Yeah.
- It's a good bar.
I know.
Right this way.
Oh um Here is your table.
I'm so sorry is there any way we can sit in there? Oh no, I can't do that.
I'm sorry.
Guys.
We have some cool tap water on its way.
Oh, I'll get my own chair.
Terrible.
Insulting.
- (toilet flushing) - (coughing) Let's just get out of here.
Thank you.
- (alarm blaring) - Oh sorry.
- Sorry.
- Sorry! - So sorry.
- So sorry! - Okay.
- Ahh.
Now, this is appropriate.
I cannot believe we almost left this here.
How long have we had this bottle? Well, we were going to have it when we finished the first draft of "Mr.
First Lady," and you said no.
I didn't say no, Larry said no.
I said we should wait until something was official, and now it is official.
We are professional feature film screenwriters.
Sounds good.
Are we ready? - Oh.
- Comme ça.
Very impressive.
Mm-hmm.
For the lady.
Thank you.
For the other lady.
(laughing) And for the man.
- Wow.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I would like to say A toast? That although we are now a writing team, uhh a successful writing team (clicks tongue) the most important thing is that you two are my best friends in the world.
To "Mr.
First Lady.
" But, sorry, we should also toast "The Fartlemans," and you two are also my best friends.
But "The Fartlemans" was our first writing job together.
- So - And "The Fartlemans" is important because we got to quit "The Fartlemans" today.
- Which is a big deal.
- Okay.
Oh, and also, sorry, to the Groundlings, 'cause that's where we all met.
- All right.
- Okay.
To the Groundlings, to "The Fartlemans" to "Mr.
First Lady.
" - To us.
- To us.
- Mmm - I think this should be, like, our signature cocktail now.
Oh maybe instead of water.
So we drink wait, shh.
- There's no one here.
- No, I wanna go.
- We should get out of here.
- So worried.
Don't help me, Larry, I'm fine.
Here, well, here here, help me.
Hugh! I thought I saw a light on.
You came back.
You came back, buddy! Uh I I I just forgot my car keys.
- Hugh? - Yeah, uh, bye, Allen.
Uh, forever.
(sobbing) ("Entertainment Tonight" intro theme) (Nancy O'Dell) Coming up, I sit down with the star of the just-announced comedy about the first male First Lady.
We're gonna hear what the actors say after the break.
Stay tuned.
(phone ringing) Hey.
Are you watching "Entertainment Tonight"? - Uh, no.
- Well, turn it on, 'cause they're about to interview Melissa about "Mr.
First Lady.
" Hold on, I'm gonna merge Larry.
(squealing) (phone ringing) Hello? Are you watching TV? Uh yes, and a giant TV that I just bought and fit in my giant car.
Well, put on "Entertainment Tonight," 'cause they're about to talk about our movie.
- What? - I know! Hold on, I'm gonna merge Hugh Wake up, wake up, wake up! This past November, we nearly elected our very first female president.
But we don't have to wait four more years for that.
At least on film, we don't have to.
I am with the star of the newly-announced comedy "The First Gentleman," Allison Janney.
- Welcome, Allison.
- Hi, Nancy, it's good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.
- Now, the First Gentleman of course is your husband.
You are, excuse me, Madam President should I call you Madam President? Absolutely, I insist and prefer it.
What a great idea.
How did this come about? Well, that's very funny, because I was just riding in an elevator.
Yeah, just completely alone, by myself, in an elevator, and it hit me wouldn't it be funny - if the First Lady was a man? - Uh-huh.
Then I got out of the elevator, and I went right to the wonderful film producer Gavin Resic.
- Hi, brilliant.
- Hi, hi.
You know, it was just sort of meant to be.
'Cause I had just finished developing a script in-house on that very premise.
Oh, and Jason Bateman will be playing my husband, the First Lady.
Oh, and the lovely Kristen Bell is in it.
And her husband Dax Shepherd.
(overlapping chatter) - Adorable.
- Yeah.
- Such a great couple.
We are just so very, very excited.
If you wanna check it out, "The First Gentleman," it's in theaters everywhere next summer.
(all) What the (bleep)?!