Packed to the Rafters (2008) s01e12 Episode Script
Removing the Block
TED: Some moments in life are life-changing.
That moment I first set eyes on Louise - Christmas, 1960.
I knew we'd be together forever.
When she died, it was like the whole world had stopped, only I was still here.
Louise always said, âLife is for living.
â And she was right.
At some point, you've got to get back on the horse.
Take back the reins.
But no-one said it was easy.
JULIE: A roster'? Yeah.
Just see it as an early Christmas present.
Darling, you know what this family's like.
Too busy, too tired.
After everything you've done for them lately, this family owes you.
It's not like that.
Well, from now on, it's going to be.
You know how little 'me' time you have.
I'm just making sure you get a whole lot more.
G'day, you two.
Didn't expect you to be at home.
Ted, just in time.
Now that you're living back here Yeah.
our new house rule is everyone's got to pull their weight.
No more defaulting to me and Jules.
I do my bit.
Oh, I know, but two dishwasher loads a week and famous stir-fry - I-I need a bigger commitment.
This shopping's thirsty work, mate.
I'm serious.
Let me take you through the roster.
Sure.
OK, now you're here in red.
Someone's been shopping, hmm'? Are these yours, Julie? No.
So, what have you been buying, Dad? Oh, just a few things.
What things? Uh, none of anyone's business.
Hey, Ted, what about the roster'? Oh, wow, shopping for clothes.
That's got to be a good sign.
The last time I bought clothes without Louise was decades ago.
Like with so many things, I was way out of practice.
I'll be off, then.
Hang on - you're on dinner duty.
I'm sorry? On the fridge.
The new roster.
No-one told me about a roster.
Yeah, I did.
You obviously weren't listening.
RACHEL: Dad! I don't want to get heavy But you will anyway.
We start swapping and changing, the whole thing falls apart.
Grandad's going out.
I don't have to go.
Yes, you do.
When do you ever go out? (M UTFERS) Exactly.
Look, I am happy to cook.
I've got this new macrobiotic thing I want to try, anyway.
Macrobiotic? Mmm.
Why not? It worked for Gwyneth Paltrow.
Scored her Chris Martin.
I'm not sure about the macrobiotic thing, and I'm also not sure that we should start Dad, Grandad didn't know, OK'? He has got plans.
I've got plans.
Which is howl ended up here, taking back the reins.
Though it felt more like winding back the clock "to when I was 15.
If you're looking for the Christmas beer and wine, this is the place.
Oh, well We're all shrinking violets at first.
Don't worry.
Fresh flesh.
I think you'll find you'll be very popular.
Come on.
Was it just me, or did the whole room go silent? (SILENCE) So, the beer and wine is over there, and mince pies if you're feeling festive.
What's your poison? I'll have a beer, thanks.
Coming right up.
No, I can get it.
Marjorie Stevens.
Welcome to Friend Finders.
Thank you.
Ted Taylor.
I've never done this before.
I've never heard that before.
Don't mind Marge.
And yes, she is always like that.
Shirley Summers.
Ted Taylor.
So, what brings you here, Ted? Well, now that I'm here, I'm not quite sure.
First timer, eh? Widower? Eight months.
I'm divorced.
Twice.
There's a big difference between you and me, Ted.
Mmm.
OK.
Hobbies.
Golf'? Bridge? Skydiving? Bridge, no.
500 was more our style.
Golf, sometimes.
We like bushwalking, travel.
What about you? I need a top-up.
If you ever do take up golf, or skydiving for that matter, give me a call.
Here, have a security blanket.
In my experience, alcohol helps.
Not too much, but just enough to take off the edge of the paranoia.
Well, actually Ah, there you are.
Sorry about the delay.
Apparently the venue for the bootscoot on Boxing Day has fallen through.
You wouldn't know anyone, would you? Someone with a spare barn and some hay bales, or, failing that, a scout hall? Nup.
So, Ted, tell us about yourself.
Well, um Why haven't we seen you here before'? Oh, what's Finnish for 'overkill'? Finnish? Yeah, or Swedish, or whatever it is they speak at the North Pole.
Where's the TV'? I can't see the TV.
Do you think anyone's going to want to watch it? It's Christmas.
Oh, and the Boxing Day Test counts for nothing? No, it's exuberant.
Very creative.
Thank you.
Told you I'd organise you some more 'me' time.
Who knows, you might even discover a hidden talent.
Oh, wow! Oh, you like it? Yeah, it's amazing.
Thanks.
Mum, when nut-job Christmas freaks deck out their houses, don't they normally do it on the outside? Yes, well, normally maybe they do, but this is for us.
In honour of the fact that for the first time in a long time, we're all living under the one roof.
Yeah, apart from Ben, over in the annexe.
What is it with mums and Christmas? Oh, you know your mum.
She's a real sucker for that 'goodwill towards men' rubbish.
Hmm.
No! God knows what Rachel's cooking out there.
It looks like glue.
Are you alright? Yeah, yeah.
I'm just thinking about how much effort your mum's going to.
All those decorations.
She's always been like that.
She loves it.
Yeah, I know.
It's great.
We always had a tree, but it was like Dad would throw money at some decorator.
Mum would be bombed on eggnog by midday, and there were more presents than DJs, but nothing ever meant anything.
You'll have fun this year.
I know.
I'm looking forward to it.
Good.
I'm really looking forward to it.
Good.
RACHEL: Dinner's ready.
This is, um What's it called, again? Yeah, tell me again how you made this.
Seitan - 'wheat meat'.
So it's gluten flour kneaded into a dough, rinsed underwater to get rid of the starch, and then sautéed in a wok.
It's kind of like stir-fried bread.
Mmm, only much better for you.
This roster of Dad's, Rach - you're not down for the Christmas lunch, are you? Yup, and I'm cooking nut loaf.
Very traditional.
Rachel, it's great.
You don't have to eat it.
So this is like some kind of, um, meat substitute? Yeah.
It's cool, huh? The texture is so much like real meat that even some hardcore vegos won't touch it.
If even vegos won't eat this, I don't see why I should have to.
That's mental.
Zero fat, more protein, less cruelty to animals.
What about this animal, hmm'? You said it.
We're going for a walk.
To the Thai place by the station? Don't think this gets you off your turn on the roster.
That's not just cardboard and texta up there.
That is stone.
Yeah, Dad, we've read the Ten Commandments.
We know the deal.
Come on.
Oh, well, their loss.
More for us.
No way have I got time for a roster.
It's their house.
Their rules.
Sam, it's killing me just doing my job at the moment.
Where's my keys? In there.
We have been a bit slack.
Yeah, with good reason.
We're out of here at 7:00.
Not back till 8:00.
Some days 9:00.
I can't cook and clean on top.
YOLII" I"I"IL.
II"I"I manages.
We commute.
That's two hours she gets that we don't.
Come on, let's go get some real food.
Something with a colour that's actually a colour.
Oh, thanks, Janelle.
MAN: Newbie, I take it? Don't stand on ceremony.
It's only me - Frank Reynolds.
Ted Taylor.
You're a lucky man, Ted.
Never as popular as your first outing.
Well, you're not the first person to say that.
Oh, it's true.
How many phone numbers so far'? Oh.
Exactly.
You make hay while the sun shines.
It's all downhill from here.
There's only one thing most of these women are here for.
A wedding ring.
So if you don't strike while the iron's hot, that's it.
Trapped.
It's all piano concerts, card nights, art galleries.
Activities galore, except maybe the one you're here for.
So why do you come? Well, it beats staring into a computer screen all night, typing to some girl in Finland who might have a beard for all you know.
Yeahanother drink.
Oh, go on.
Go on.
You paid your entrance.
Might as well make a night of it.
Can be a lonely time, Christmas.
I'll be right, thanks.
Right.
I haven't said this in a long time, but I am officially knackered.
Sorry Shh! Good book? Mmm.
Oh, Virginia Woolf.
I've heard of her.
Since when did you start reading Virginia Woolf'? Since Nicole Kidman won the Oscar.
But you're only on page six.
Well, it's not an easy read, and I keep getting interrupted.
Oh, sorry.
Next thing, you'll be joining a book club.
Yeah, well, that or belly dancing, or something.
Good.
It's exactly why I've become the roster Nazi from hell.
Yeah.
Don't you think you're going a bit overboard with all of that? I'm just supporting you, if you hadn't noticed.
You're not copping it anymore.
Everyone leaning on you to pick up after them.
Should be a lot more give and a lot less take around this joint.
Mmm.
Oh, so I can join a book club'? Yep.
Thanks.
Have you found a book club'? No, not yet.
When? When I can find one.
Don't turn into the book club Nazi as well.
I'm getting out there, thank you.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) Just like your father seems to be.
Precisely.
Where are you going'? Uhtoilet.
Just leave the poor guy alone.
It's none of our business.
No, I told youneed the loo.
Oh, hello there.
Didn't hear you come in.
Evening, love.
So, how was your night? Alright.
So, nothing earth-shattering, then? What, just a movie? Catching up with friends? $10 steak at the pub? Yeah, the pub.
Which pub was that'? 'Night, Jules.
'Night, Dad.
I don't normally hide things from my daughter.
Louise had given me her blessing in her letter to the future.
But it was Christmas again, and Christmas when we met, so the truth was, the big question - was I ready myself for this dating caper? Hang on a minute.
What's that'? Washing up.
No, you don't.
Just because it's not your turn, you can't abnegate all responsibility.
Sorry, abne-what? If you're simply going to dump your bowl in the sink, Nathan, it is just as easy - watch me very carefully - to dump it in the dishwasher.
Hmm.
So how easy is it to unload last night's dishes? (SIGHS) That is not my job.
Well, it's not mine.
Well, it isSammy's job.
Where's Sammy? Not here.
She's at work.
How come she didn't unload the dishwasher? Why do you think? Some of us have to work on Saturdays.
Could you two keep it down a bit? Weekend magazines, please.
Mum, I don't want to start.
I really don't, but Well, then, don't.
This roster thing will never work.
It will if people take responsibility, manage their schedule.
Oh, and if people don't? No need to answer that.
Just go and enjoy your bath, alright? Thanks, darling.
May be gone some time.
Dad, I've got to get ready for work.
I have to get to yoga, Dad.
Dad, what? Do you know what you both sound like'? For once in your life, try and sort things out for yourselves.
(SNIFFS) Did something die around this place? Don't look at me.
I'm not on fridge duty.
How long's Julie going to be in the bathroom? Small hint, Grandad - from now on, check the roster.
I'm not covering a second time.
(SNIFFS) Has something died around here? I don't believe it - we are out of dishwashing liquid.
Who's rostered on for the supermarket run, hmm'? CH RISSY: Good morning.
Don't know about the 'good' part.
Haven't seen you round for a while.
No, is your mum in'? Jury's out on that one too.
What do you mean? She's alright, isn't she? Oh, if you call hogging the bathroom half the morning alright, she's just peachy.
Thought she might want to come Christmas shopping with me.
Well, if you head past a supermarket, we're out of dishwashing liquid.
Benno, just the man.
Payback time! OK, guys.
Breakfast is on the table.
Thanks.
Did you have any whites for the wash'? I'm doing whites first.
Whatever stuff was in the laundry basket.
Right, recycling's done.
Weekend papers and fresh milk and Did You get any Orange juice? Who wants coffee and who wants tea? Unbelievable.
Morning, Rachel.
Hi.
When did you guys get so organised? It's called house sharing.
You should try it sometime.
But this isn't sharing, this is 'The Sound of Music' after Maria made clothes from the curtains.
(SCOFFS) Are those what I think they are? What? Are you washing their undies? Sure.
They wash mine.
That's what housemates do.
Since when? The last time you washed a pair of boxer shorts wasnever.
You have never washed underwear in your life.
Yeah, well, if everyone does their bit, pulls their weight OK, OK.
I had Dad doing his brain about rosters all night.
I think I'm starting to get the message.
Can I please borrow some detergent? Sure.
I'll take that.
Hey, Carbo, I just saw Chrissy.
How are things going in Loveland? You know what? The water's boiled.
You can make your own tea.
Did something happen? You could say that.
I've got to hand it to Dave, he's thorough.
I think he's forgotten to put down âclean floors with toothbrush and cut grass with nail scissors Don't tempt him.
(CHUCKLES) (SNIFFS) And âfumigate the fridge".
What is that smell? Yeah, it's getting worse, isn't it? Oh! Listen, do you reckon it'd be alright if I went and said hello? Well, if you don't mind talking through doors.
Please! I was married to a workaholic.
By the way, first rule of laundry - don't mix whites with coloureds.
Second rule is - don't teach Grandma how to suck eggs.
Touché! Jules, it's me.
I've just come to say hi.
Come in if your name's not Rafter.
Hi.
Hey.
Haven't seen that much of you lately.
Well, I've been a bit busy.
Are you sure you're not avoiding me? No! No, of course not.
Well, you can't stay in there all day.
You'll liquefy.
I'm having some 'me' time.
Dave insisted.
Oh, 'me' time.
Why don't you go and do something? I'm reading the papers.
No, something proactive.
You know, something spontaneous.
Come shopping.
Spend.
Spend what? Cards are maxed as it is.
OK.
Here's what we'll do.
Come out tonight with me and Angela.
Who's Angela? Friend of mine -just got divorced.
You'll love her.
Come and have some cocktails.
Have a boogie.
Dancing'? Yeah.
Why not? Because I haven't been dancing in years.
Then it's about time you did.
Because I'm married.
Married women can go dancing.
What, without their husbands? (LAUGHS) Julie, I'm not asking you to come to a swingers' club.
Just come and have a pre-Christmas drink with the girls.
Well, what will Dave do? Whatever Dave wants.
And Carbo? Yeah, I'm not sure about Carbo.
He's not talking to me.
Might be over.
Should I be sorry? No, it's You know, we're friends.
We had the same interests.
We weren't joined at the hip.
So, girls night out, hey? Look what else I got down at the shop.
Mum always reckoned she's the whiz at Chrissie decs.
Sorry, the what? Get with it.
Christmas - eating too much, drinking too much, giving Chrissie presents.
Very spiritual.
OK, it's also about the birth of Jesus.
I don't do Christmas.
Oh, back up.
What? I didn't last year.
I worked - it was great.
You're not working this year, you're coming to Chrissie lunch with me.
Ben, stop saying Chrissie.
Why'? Because it shows how trivial you think this whole thing is.
No way.
You've gotta be kidding.
I love Christmas.
I do.
It's all about getting together and being kind to your fellow man and family and I'm sorry.
Is this about your family? Let's not go there, OK'? It is, isn't it? I don't do family, remember? I don't do Christmas and I don't do family.
You can do mine.
(GRUMBLES) Please don't work at Christmas.
It'll be special.
I promise.
Something's definitely not right.
It's either the drains or someone's not keeping up with their roster duty.
(SIGHS) Dad, you haven't seen my black singlet, have you? You haven't worn that in ages.
No.
Haven't done a lot of things in ages.
I remember you in that.
Very nice.
Thanks.
Whether it still fits or not is another matter.
Dad, my black singlet.
I'm sorry, love.
I had some cards in my pocket.
I've tried washing it out five times, but it's stuck like glue.
Cards'? Bummer.
Gonna wear this tonight.
Gonna get my disco groove back.
Disco? Who's going to a disco? Me.
Well, nightclub.
It's a girls' night out with Chrissy and Angela.
That's OK, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
No worries.
Good.
Um, Dad, what cards? Just some cards.
Huh.
Oh, well, don't worry.
I'll take care of it.
Can I have a word? Yeah, course.
You look terrific, love.
Oh, thanks.
it's just breathing that's the problem.
Yeah, well, I was thinking about losing those cards in the wash was the world's way of telling me something - or me telling myself something.
Sorry, what do you mean? Well, I read about this social group - Friend Finders - for the over-50s.
Oh.
And last night I went along for Christmas drinks.
But, Dad, that's fantastic.
And those cards I collected - phone numbers, email addresses And you lost them in the wash'? Yeah.
But, Dad, that doesn't mean anything.
So you left them in your pocket, so what? It isn't Freudian.
What's great is that youyou know, you're looking to the future.
Well, there was this one lady, Helen something.
Ah.
And I was thinking that she might want to come along to the Scrabble night tonight.
Oh.
Well, isn't there an office you can ring? Find out her number that way? Uh-uh.
No, no.
Oh, Dad, you know, at least you've taken the first step.
But this is what she would have wanted.
She told me as much.
Really? In a letter.
The one in the time capsule.
âIf anything should happen, live your life,â she said.
That's what we all have to do.
(DOORBELL RINGS) I'll get it.
You're a hard man to track down, Ted Taylor.
But needs must when the devil drives.
I brought you some rum balls.
So, may I come in'? DAVE: Bit of a dark horse, aren't you, mate? Never told me there was anyone in your stables called Marjorie.
Out now.
What about the drains? Forget the drains.
Two kids back at home.
Yep.
Well, that's the trend these days, isn't it'? Oh, I don't know about a trend.
It's just the way things worked out.
Ted too.
Really got your work cut out for you.
Not, not anymore.
They're all house-trained.
(SIGHS) Anyway, I'll leave you both to it.
Nice to have met you.
Nice to meet you too.
Where'd she spring from? Shh! Milk'? No, thank you.
So how did you find me? Being membership secretary has its perks.
What I didn't expect was that it'd be your daughter's house.
Yeah, well, after Louise At our age, you're just not prepared.
All those years together, and then suddenly alone.
Mmm.
I had rather hoped that you'd contact me.
I mean, I don't give my card to just anybody.
But we only met last night.
Well, that's true, but you know what they say - timing is everything.
Rum ball? No, thanks.
Oh, hello.
It smells in here now.
I reckon the whole system's blocked.
This toilet's not flushing properly.
Whoa! You look great.
Oh, thanks.
Where did you say you were going again? Um, I don't know.
Some nightclub that Chrissy goes to.
Don't worry, I'll be home before I turn into a pumpkin.
What's it called? Uh, Tracks, Sacks? Tracks? Isn't that where all the local groovers go? Yeah.
Don't you think I'll fit in'? No, that's the problem - I think you'll fit in just perfectly.
Oh! Thank you.
What was that for'? The vote of confidence.
OK (RATFLES CUP) .
.
you ready? This is how it is.
At my age, there's no time to beat around the bush.
I'm a retired chemist - the shop variety - and I've been a widow for three years and spent pretty much all of that time by myself.
I own my own house and I've got a few shares - nothing too lavish.
I've got a daughter on the Gold Coast, a son in Perth, and I like dancing, occasional game of tennis, crosswords and travel.
The question is - do you think there's any chance that you and I might be compatible? If there isn't, I don't want to waste any more of your time - or mine.
I mean, neither of us is getting any younger, and I'm sure that neither of us wants to be alone any longer than we have to.
Marjorie, I No'? Of course.
I mean, that's fine.
A bit disappointing, but absolutely fine.
I mean, nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say.
No time wasted and no hard feelings.
That's not what I meant.
What did you mean? (STAMMERS) This is all so new to me.
I feel terrible.
Oh, don't feel terrible.
This is just my way of circumventing all the usual rubbish that comes with getting to meet someone.
(CLEARS THROAT) You'll see.
It's a lot less painful this way.
I mean, now we can be just friends, none of those complicated half-baked definitions.
(SIGHS) Now, if I could just use your bathroom, I'll be off.
Yes.
Of course.
(TOILET CLAN KS, FLUSHES) Everything alright? Well, I don't know.
This whole meeting people business - it's not how I remember it.
(SCOFFS) Times change.
Do they? Whatever happened to meeting someone you like, getting up the courage to ask them out, and then floating home on a cloud when they said yes? Oh, well.
Maybe you haven't met the right girl yet.
MARJORIE: Oh, my sweet star! Marjorie? Stop, stop! Marjorie! It won't stop.
What's happening? The toilet's blocked.
There's water everywhere and that's not all.
I'll turn off the water.
I'm so sorry.
(SIGHS) I knew you wanted me out of here.
You didn't have to booby trap the facilities.
(CHUCKLES) Alright, it's official - the bathroom is now closed.
What? Dad, we're three days out from Christmas.
No way.
I'm telling you, it's your vego-meat, that gelatinous muck you washed down the sink.
(CH UCKLES) Right, and the fact that there are five adult CARNIVORES sharing one toilet - nothing to do with it.
We didn't start eating meat yesterday.
You stopped.
Well, I've masked the eau du toilet with eau du toilette, so I'm off.
Have a nice night, Mum.
Yeah.
Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
There's a license to play up if ever I've heard one.
Hey, heV- Oh.
Mwah.
Have a good night.
You too.
Oh, yeah.
Me and the sewerage.
Looking forward to it.
Aw.
I love you.
Love you too.
'Bye.
Mmm.
We're out for dinner.
'Bye.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, Dad, you really should get a hobby.
You know, even Mum's getting out.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Hello.
Not much more I can do tonight.
If you need to strain the potatoes, try the yard.
The grass likes the phosphates.
Look, I'm gonna head next door for a beer if you fancy it.
At least their bathroom's not blocked.
No thanks, mate.
Happy here.
OK, then.
(FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) Helen.
Maybe the universe was trying to tell me something after all.
Bugger it.
Evening, all.
Hello there.
You short of a fourth? Um, no.
Actually, that's Merv's seat.
He's just gone to the loo.
No worries.
I might just help myself to a juice.
Need to keep a clear head with this Scrabble.
It was lovely to meet you last night.
You too.
(SIGHS) Merv's been chasing me for ages.
Last night he, uh, walked me to the car.
Lucky Merv.
(CH UCKLES) It's not often you meet someone you really connect with at these things.
Merv's the man, eh? (SIGHS) Well, he's, um Oh, he's kind and thoughtful.
Counts for a lot.
Well, I, uh I should be getting back.
Let's hope I get something more interesting than 'T's and vowels this time.
Good luck.
Who was it said Christmas can be a lonely time? Well, without that someone special to share it with "they knew what they were talking about.
I still can't believe the price of lipstick! That'll teach me to hibernate Oh, no.
Look at the queue.
CHRISSY: Follow me, girls.
Are you on the guest list? Hold on one moment, please.
If my name's not on that guest list, there'll be trouble.
If your name's not on the list, you're not coming in.
Chrissy Merchant plus two.
Hmm.
Welcome to Tracks.
Oh, my God! I don't believe it.
(LAUGHS) Thanks, Stace.
It's always nice to impress.
No, worries.
I'll see you at the hairdresser.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I think I know how my dad felt last night at Friend Finders.
(GIGGLES) How's that? Old.
(OTHERS LAUGH) Don't be silly.
I'm out of practice.
Oh, rubbish.
it's just like riding a bike.
Besides, you're only as young as the man you feel.
(LAUGHS) Oh Oh, right! Ho, ho, ho, ho (LAUGHS) Think I'm having age-inappropriate thoughts.
Ah, there you go.
Just get back on that bike.
Yeah, and enjoy the view! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Ah! (LAUGHS) Oh, no, sorry.
Wrong table.
Yeah, no, I'm tipsy after one! Sorry.
Oh Oh, no.
Oh, no, sorry.
We can't accept the drinks.
Why not'? Because what are we agreeing to? Nothing! No-one buys you a drink for nothing.
There are expectations.
(LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY) Yeah, that you enjoy the drink.
Oh Jules, are you here to enjoy yourself or not? Oh Oh, OK! OK! Whoo-hoo! There you go.
That wasn't so hard, was it? Why do I feel like I've just been unfaithful'? (LAUGHS) It's just a bit of harmless fun.
ANGELA: Cheers, ladies.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! CHRISSY: Whoo! Thanks for this.
Yes.
Thank you so much.
Oh, oh, oh Oh, my God.
They're coming over.
(JULIE LAUGHS) How do I look? Sensational! On the usual, global warming, are you pro-Gore or do you think that it's all just cyclical and'? (CASUALLY) Oh, hello.
G'day.
You mind if we join you? Actually, we're just in the middle of a conversation.
Oh, it can keep, you know'? Icecap's not melting that fast.
(ALL LAUGH) Actually, I was just wondering if you'd like to dance.
I love dancing! I don't think so.
I haven't finished my drink, for which, thank you.
Come on.
It's a good song.
Is it'? Course it is.
Dance with the man! It's Christmas.
Live a little! Her name's Julie.
Julie.
Stop Ah.
Hi, Julie.
I'm Paul, Julie.
Lovely to meet you.
Hi, Paul.
Hi.
So are you gonna come and dance? Oh, OK! CHRISSY: Whoo! You go, girl! I should let you know- I am married.
Oh, yeah? I'd like to be one day.
Oh! Just haven't found the right girl yet'? Ah, not really, no.
Oh.
So, um, where's the hubby'? Um, he's at home unblocking the drains.
(BOTH LAUGH) He's a handyman, is he? Yeah.
Oh, yes, he is.
(TV ROCKS 'FLAUNT IT' PLAYS) Chrissy, that was fantastic but I've gotta go.
I'm exhausted.
No, we're going to Jo Jo's! Oh, I can't, really.
I've had such a great time but What? Uh I've got someone keeping the bed warm for me.
I should get home.
Goodnight.
Um (LAUGHS) Say goodbye to Angela for me.
(JULIE SIGHS) TED: Good night? (YAWNS) (GAS PS) Ooh! Hey.
Um, yeah, it wasfun.
But Butuh a lesson in how lucky I am.
How about you? Did you go out? A lesson on how tough it is out there.
What - even in your snazzy new shirt? Oh, it takes more than a new shirt to impress.
It takes kindness, thoughtfulness and triple-word scores.
Sorry? Don't worry about it.
Oh, there's that smell again.
Oh, I can't Time for bed.
Even a happily married woman needs her beauty sleep.
Are you, uhyou staying up? For a little while.
OK.
Well, 'night.
'Night.
Well, that's the trouble with reaching out - sometimes someone gets hurt.
(BANG!) (BANG!) Dad, what are you doing? What does it look like'? Are you crazy? Call a plumber.
(SCOFFS) Yeah.
On a Sunday'? You've gotta be kidding.
Where are you off to? Well, like, I have ajob.
Property inspections on a Sunday'? That's a bit rough too, isn't it? Yeah, exactly, which is why You don't You don't think Mum's gonna make me stick to the roster, do you? No.
I'm going to.
Dad, that's not fair.
You've got me down for dinner tonight.
Well, pick something up on the way home.
I've got back-to-back meetings.
Time management - that's what it's all about, mate.
Dad, that's really That's really not fair.
Your mother's been doing it all this time.
Yeah, well, she's had years of practice.
Exactly! So maybe it's time to share the load, pick up the slack.
And just in case that's what you were thinking about doing, maybe you could help me with the Maybe you could help me with these drains! There you go.
Thanks.
So what time did you hang up your dancing shoes last night? Not long after you left.
Oh, I didn't mean to spoil the party.
No, you didn't.
I justl started seeing the place through different eyes.
I just started thinking Please, don't judge me on this.
Never.
I just started wondering, âWhat's Carbo doing?" You know'? âIs he playing a computer game or eating pizza, âor is he crashed out in front of the telly?â (SIGHS) He really likes me, Jules, and I hate to admit it and I know that you think it's weird but I justfeel comfortable with him.
You know'? it'sit's easy.
DAVE: Jules Jules, you seen the drain plan? What.
.
.
what drain plan? For the yard.
The drains don't seem to be where you think they'd be.
Um, well, it's probably with the passports and birth certificates.
Where's that'? With all the other important documents.
W-where's that'? (SIGHS) I think we might have lost the passports and birth certificates.
Sorry.
You were saying? Mmm, just that, you know, it's hard enough to find love in this world.
You should probably grab it when you can.
Don't you think? Yeah, I do think.
(DOORBELL RINGS) MELISSA: I'll get it.
Not sure about the nature doco, mate.
Who wants to watch insects doing the biz while we eat our dinner? You choose, then.
OK.
What else is on? Something more Christmassy? 'Scrooged' is on.
I love 'Scrooged'.
Carbo Hello.
Hi.
What are you doing here? We were just about to have dinner in front of the telly.
'Scrooged' is on.
Right.
I thought you weren't comfortable with the guys here.
That's what you said.
(LOUDLY) Um, Ben, there's carols on.
Ohyeah.
See'? Getting in the Christmassy mood already.
Help yourself to pasta.
Thanks, guys.
So what are we - friends? What does that mean? It means I'm not embarrassed to be with you and I'm not gonna stress about the age thing.
So more than friends? Well, who needs labels? I do.
What's this? Open it and find out.
(CHUCKLES) No way.
It's beautiful.
You shouldn't have.
There's your label.
'Nick'.
Happy Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
(GIGGLES) JULIE: Dave (CHUCKLES) You could have excavated through to London by now.
Yeah, good thing I found the passports.
(SIGHS) Oh, this is useless, Jules.
I'm gonna have to call a plumber.
He's gonna come in here, dig up the entire backyard, maybe even re-lay the entire drainage system.
You know how much it's gonna cost us'? No.
More than we have, I can tell you that.
Living life's on hold, Jules.
The roster Nazi has spoken.
OK.
Yes.
I stuffed up, alright? I'm a loser.
Nathan, what going I can't do my job and plan a menu at the same time! That is why we are having yummy diet meals.
OK'? That's all they had.
If you wanted something different, fine.
I don'tl don't have it.
If you had the sort of rubbish day that I've had I've had Karl all over me.
I got stuck in traffic.
I've lost my bloody phone charger.
No-one would return my cal Well, don't look at me like (SOFTLY) Nathan Not now, Sam! OK'?! Whoa.
Meltdown.
(DOOR SLAMS) Nathan, you got the dinner.
It's no big deal.
I lost a sale.
So what? Ll thought it was in the bag.
The bloody vendor went with someone else.
Boss isn't happy It's just one sale, Nathan.
I've never made a sale, Dad.
Do you realise that'? They pay for my phone.
They pay for my car.
I'm in debt up to here and I am going backwards.
Well, I'm sorry, mate.
Il didn't know that.
You want me to be perfect? I'm not.
No.
Look, we never said that.
You did! This morning you said, âWork, cook, dig drains.
" And I don't appreciate the mum act, you know'? Nathan, I'm your dad.
I care about you too, you know'? Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
I'm trying, but it's just not happening.
Life's not that easy.
You can't just take it and mould it into what you want.
Come here, mate.
No Come here.
(SIGHS) (QUIETLY) It's alright.
TED: Giving Julie more time for herself had brought Dave some unexpected rewards.
(PHONE RINGS) But Nathan was right.
It takes a lot of courage to engage with life, even when opportunities present themselves.
Ted Taylor.
Hello, it's, uh, Helen.
Look, I know this is a bit out of the blue but I wondered if you'd be able to have dinner with me sometime.
Merv and I It didn't work out.
I'm free tomorrow.
Christmas Eve.
Oh, Helen, I'd love to but I-l can't, I'm sorry - not tomorrow.
Family commitments.
('HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS' PLAYS) One step at a time.
I'd found Friend Finders.
I'd maybe even found some friends.
It's for me.
It's my Lego.
No, not that that would have mattered.
(LAUGHS) But on this night, of all nights, there was nowhere else I'd rather be than at home with family.
Oh Yay! (ALL CHATFER) Now, that's a tofu turkey.
Ah! Everyone, merry Christmas.
OTH ERS: Merry Christmas! All of us ready to face the future "next year.
That moment I first set eyes on Louise - Christmas, 1960.
I knew we'd be together forever.
When she died, it was like the whole world had stopped, only I was still here.
Louise always said, âLife is for living.
â And she was right.
At some point, you've got to get back on the horse.
Take back the reins.
But no-one said it was easy.
JULIE: A roster'? Yeah.
Just see it as an early Christmas present.
Darling, you know what this family's like.
Too busy, too tired.
After everything you've done for them lately, this family owes you.
It's not like that.
Well, from now on, it's going to be.
You know how little 'me' time you have.
I'm just making sure you get a whole lot more.
G'day, you two.
Didn't expect you to be at home.
Ted, just in time.
Now that you're living back here Yeah.
our new house rule is everyone's got to pull their weight.
No more defaulting to me and Jules.
I do my bit.
Oh, I know, but two dishwasher loads a week and famous stir-fry - I-I need a bigger commitment.
This shopping's thirsty work, mate.
I'm serious.
Let me take you through the roster.
Sure.
OK, now you're here in red.
Someone's been shopping, hmm'? Are these yours, Julie? No.
So, what have you been buying, Dad? Oh, just a few things.
What things? Uh, none of anyone's business.
Hey, Ted, what about the roster'? Oh, wow, shopping for clothes.
That's got to be a good sign.
The last time I bought clothes without Louise was decades ago.
Like with so many things, I was way out of practice.
I'll be off, then.
Hang on - you're on dinner duty.
I'm sorry? On the fridge.
The new roster.
No-one told me about a roster.
Yeah, I did.
You obviously weren't listening.
RACHEL: Dad! I don't want to get heavy But you will anyway.
We start swapping and changing, the whole thing falls apart.
Grandad's going out.
I don't have to go.
Yes, you do.
When do you ever go out? (M UTFERS) Exactly.
Look, I am happy to cook.
I've got this new macrobiotic thing I want to try, anyway.
Macrobiotic? Mmm.
Why not? It worked for Gwyneth Paltrow.
Scored her Chris Martin.
I'm not sure about the macrobiotic thing, and I'm also not sure that we should start Dad, Grandad didn't know, OK'? He has got plans.
I've got plans.
Which is howl ended up here, taking back the reins.
Though it felt more like winding back the clock "to when I was 15.
If you're looking for the Christmas beer and wine, this is the place.
Oh, well We're all shrinking violets at first.
Don't worry.
Fresh flesh.
I think you'll find you'll be very popular.
Come on.
Was it just me, or did the whole room go silent? (SILENCE) So, the beer and wine is over there, and mince pies if you're feeling festive.
What's your poison? I'll have a beer, thanks.
Coming right up.
No, I can get it.
Marjorie Stevens.
Welcome to Friend Finders.
Thank you.
Ted Taylor.
I've never done this before.
I've never heard that before.
Don't mind Marge.
And yes, she is always like that.
Shirley Summers.
Ted Taylor.
So, what brings you here, Ted? Well, now that I'm here, I'm not quite sure.
First timer, eh? Widower? Eight months.
I'm divorced.
Twice.
There's a big difference between you and me, Ted.
Mmm.
OK.
Hobbies.
Golf'? Bridge? Skydiving? Bridge, no.
500 was more our style.
Golf, sometimes.
We like bushwalking, travel.
What about you? I need a top-up.
If you ever do take up golf, or skydiving for that matter, give me a call.
Here, have a security blanket.
In my experience, alcohol helps.
Not too much, but just enough to take off the edge of the paranoia.
Well, actually Ah, there you are.
Sorry about the delay.
Apparently the venue for the bootscoot on Boxing Day has fallen through.
You wouldn't know anyone, would you? Someone with a spare barn and some hay bales, or, failing that, a scout hall? Nup.
So, Ted, tell us about yourself.
Well, um Why haven't we seen you here before'? Oh, what's Finnish for 'overkill'? Finnish? Yeah, or Swedish, or whatever it is they speak at the North Pole.
Where's the TV'? I can't see the TV.
Do you think anyone's going to want to watch it? It's Christmas.
Oh, and the Boxing Day Test counts for nothing? No, it's exuberant.
Very creative.
Thank you.
Told you I'd organise you some more 'me' time.
Who knows, you might even discover a hidden talent.
Oh, wow! Oh, you like it? Yeah, it's amazing.
Thanks.
Mum, when nut-job Christmas freaks deck out their houses, don't they normally do it on the outside? Yes, well, normally maybe they do, but this is for us.
In honour of the fact that for the first time in a long time, we're all living under the one roof.
Yeah, apart from Ben, over in the annexe.
What is it with mums and Christmas? Oh, you know your mum.
She's a real sucker for that 'goodwill towards men' rubbish.
Hmm.
No! God knows what Rachel's cooking out there.
It looks like glue.
Are you alright? Yeah, yeah.
I'm just thinking about how much effort your mum's going to.
All those decorations.
She's always been like that.
She loves it.
Yeah, I know.
It's great.
We always had a tree, but it was like Dad would throw money at some decorator.
Mum would be bombed on eggnog by midday, and there were more presents than DJs, but nothing ever meant anything.
You'll have fun this year.
I know.
I'm looking forward to it.
Good.
I'm really looking forward to it.
Good.
RACHEL: Dinner's ready.
This is, um What's it called, again? Yeah, tell me again how you made this.
Seitan - 'wheat meat'.
So it's gluten flour kneaded into a dough, rinsed underwater to get rid of the starch, and then sautéed in a wok.
It's kind of like stir-fried bread.
Mmm, only much better for you.
This roster of Dad's, Rach - you're not down for the Christmas lunch, are you? Yup, and I'm cooking nut loaf.
Very traditional.
Rachel, it's great.
You don't have to eat it.
So this is like some kind of, um, meat substitute? Yeah.
It's cool, huh? The texture is so much like real meat that even some hardcore vegos won't touch it.
If even vegos won't eat this, I don't see why I should have to.
That's mental.
Zero fat, more protein, less cruelty to animals.
What about this animal, hmm'? You said it.
We're going for a walk.
To the Thai place by the station? Don't think this gets you off your turn on the roster.
That's not just cardboard and texta up there.
That is stone.
Yeah, Dad, we've read the Ten Commandments.
We know the deal.
Come on.
Oh, well, their loss.
More for us.
No way have I got time for a roster.
It's their house.
Their rules.
Sam, it's killing me just doing my job at the moment.
Where's my keys? In there.
We have been a bit slack.
Yeah, with good reason.
We're out of here at 7:00.
Not back till 8:00.
Some days 9:00.
I can't cook and clean on top.
YOLII" I"I"IL.
II"I"I manages.
We commute.
That's two hours she gets that we don't.
Come on, let's go get some real food.
Something with a colour that's actually a colour.
Oh, thanks, Janelle.
MAN: Newbie, I take it? Don't stand on ceremony.
It's only me - Frank Reynolds.
Ted Taylor.
You're a lucky man, Ted.
Never as popular as your first outing.
Well, you're not the first person to say that.
Oh, it's true.
How many phone numbers so far'? Oh.
Exactly.
You make hay while the sun shines.
It's all downhill from here.
There's only one thing most of these women are here for.
A wedding ring.
So if you don't strike while the iron's hot, that's it.
Trapped.
It's all piano concerts, card nights, art galleries.
Activities galore, except maybe the one you're here for.
So why do you come? Well, it beats staring into a computer screen all night, typing to some girl in Finland who might have a beard for all you know.
Yeahanother drink.
Oh, go on.
Go on.
You paid your entrance.
Might as well make a night of it.
Can be a lonely time, Christmas.
I'll be right, thanks.
Right.
I haven't said this in a long time, but I am officially knackered.
Sorry Shh! Good book? Mmm.
Oh, Virginia Woolf.
I've heard of her.
Since when did you start reading Virginia Woolf'? Since Nicole Kidman won the Oscar.
But you're only on page six.
Well, it's not an easy read, and I keep getting interrupted.
Oh, sorry.
Next thing, you'll be joining a book club.
Yeah, well, that or belly dancing, or something.
Good.
It's exactly why I've become the roster Nazi from hell.
Yeah.
Don't you think you're going a bit overboard with all of that? I'm just supporting you, if you hadn't noticed.
You're not copping it anymore.
Everyone leaning on you to pick up after them.
Should be a lot more give and a lot less take around this joint.
Mmm.
Oh, so I can join a book club'? Yep.
Thanks.
Have you found a book club'? No, not yet.
When? When I can find one.
Don't turn into the book club Nazi as well.
I'm getting out there, thank you.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) Just like your father seems to be.
Precisely.
Where are you going'? Uhtoilet.
Just leave the poor guy alone.
It's none of our business.
No, I told youneed the loo.
Oh, hello there.
Didn't hear you come in.
Evening, love.
So, how was your night? Alright.
So, nothing earth-shattering, then? What, just a movie? Catching up with friends? $10 steak at the pub? Yeah, the pub.
Which pub was that'? 'Night, Jules.
'Night, Dad.
I don't normally hide things from my daughter.
Louise had given me her blessing in her letter to the future.
But it was Christmas again, and Christmas when we met, so the truth was, the big question - was I ready myself for this dating caper? Hang on a minute.
What's that'? Washing up.
No, you don't.
Just because it's not your turn, you can't abnegate all responsibility.
Sorry, abne-what? If you're simply going to dump your bowl in the sink, Nathan, it is just as easy - watch me very carefully - to dump it in the dishwasher.
Hmm.
So how easy is it to unload last night's dishes? (SIGHS) That is not my job.
Well, it's not mine.
Well, it isSammy's job.
Where's Sammy? Not here.
She's at work.
How come she didn't unload the dishwasher? Why do you think? Some of us have to work on Saturdays.
Could you two keep it down a bit? Weekend magazines, please.
Mum, I don't want to start.
I really don't, but Well, then, don't.
This roster thing will never work.
It will if people take responsibility, manage their schedule.
Oh, and if people don't? No need to answer that.
Just go and enjoy your bath, alright? Thanks, darling.
May be gone some time.
Dad, I've got to get ready for work.
I have to get to yoga, Dad.
Dad, what? Do you know what you both sound like'? For once in your life, try and sort things out for yourselves.
(SNIFFS) Did something die around this place? Don't look at me.
I'm not on fridge duty.
How long's Julie going to be in the bathroom? Small hint, Grandad - from now on, check the roster.
I'm not covering a second time.
(SNIFFS) Has something died around here? I don't believe it - we are out of dishwashing liquid.
Who's rostered on for the supermarket run, hmm'? CH RISSY: Good morning.
Don't know about the 'good' part.
Haven't seen you round for a while.
No, is your mum in'? Jury's out on that one too.
What do you mean? She's alright, isn't she? Oh, if you call hogging the bathroom half the morning alright, she's just peachy.
Thought she might want to come Christmas shopping with me.
Well, if you head past a supermarket, we're out of dishwashing liquid.
Benno, just the man.
Payback time! OK, guys.
Breakfast is on the table.
Thanks.
Did you have any whites for the wash'? I'm doing whites first.
Whatever stuff was in the laundry basket.
Right, recycling's done.
Weekend papers and fresh milk and Did You get any Orange juice? Who wants coffee and who wants tea? Unbelievable.
Morning, Rachel.
Hi.
When did you guys get so organised? It's called house sharing.
You should try it sometime.
But this isn't sharing, this is 'The Sound of Music' after Maria made clothes from the curtains.
(SCOFFS) Are those what I think they are? What? Are you washing their undies? Sure.
They wash mine.
That's what housemates do.
Since when? The last time you washed a pair of boxer shorts wasnever.
You have never washed underwear in your life.
Yeah, well, if everyone does their bit, pulls their weight OK, OK.
I had Dad doing his brain about rosters all night.
I think I'm starting to get the message.
Can I please borrow some detergent? Sure.
I'll take that.
Hey, Carbo, I just saw Chrissy.
How are things going in Loveland? You know what? The water's boiled.
You can make your own tea.
Did something happen? You could say that.
I've got to hand it to Dave, he's thorough.
I think he's forgotten to put down âclean floors with toothbrush and cut grass with nail scissors Don't tempt him.
(CHUCKLES) (SNIFFS) And âfumigate the fridge".
What is that smell? Yeah, it's getting worse, isn't it? Oh! Listen, do you reckon it'd be alright if I went and said hello? Well, if you don't mind talking through doors.
Please! I was married to a workaholic.
By the way, first rule of laundry - don't mix whites with coloureds.
Second rule is - don't teach Grandma how to suck eggs.
Touché! Jules, it's me.
I've just come to say hi.
Come in if your name's not Rafter.
Hi.
Hey.
Haven't seen that much of you lately.
Well, I've been a bit busy.
Are you sure you're not avoiding me? No! No, of course not.
Well, you can't stay in there all day.
You'll liquefy.
I'm having some 'me' time.
Dave insisted.
Oh, 'me' time.
Why don't you go and do something? I'm reading the papers.
No, something proactive.
You know, something spontaneous.
Come shopping.
Spend.
Spend what? Cards are maxed as it is.
OK.
Here's what we'll do.
Come out tonight with me and Angela.
Who's Angela? Friend of mine -just got divorced.
You'll love her.
Come and have some cocktails.
Have a boogie.
Dancing'? Yeah.
Why not? Because I haven't been dancing in years.
Then it's about time you did.
Because I'm married.
Married women can go dancing.
What, without their husbands? (LAUGHS) Julie, I'm not asking you to come to a swingers' club.
Just come and have a pre-Christmas drink with the girls.
Well, what will Dave do? Whatever Dave wants.
And Carbo? Yeah, I'm not sure about Carbo.
He's not talking to me.
Might be over.
Should I be sorry? No, it's You know, we're friends.
We had the same interests.
We weren't joined at the hip.
So, girls night out, hey? Look what else I got down at the shop.
Mum always reckoned she's the whiz at Chrissie decs.
Sorry, the what? Get with it.
Christmas - eating too much, drinking too much, giving Chrissie presents.
Very spiritual.
OK, it's also about the birth of Jesus.
I don't do Christmas.
Oh, back up.
What? I didn't last year.
I worked - it was great.
You're not working this year, you're coming to Chrissie lunch with me.
Ben, stop saying Chrissie.
Why'? Because it shows how trivial you think this whole thing is.
No way.
You've gotta be kidding.
I love Christmas.
I do.
It's all about getting together and being kind to your fellow man and family and I'm sorry.
Is this about your family? Let's not go there, OK'? It is, isn't it? I don't do family, remember? I don't do Christmas and I don't do family.
You can do mine.
(GRUMBLES) Please don't work at Christmas.
It'll be special.
I promise.
Something's definitely not right.
It's either the drains or someone's not keeping up with their roster duty.
(SIGHS) Dad, you haven't seen my black singlet, have you? You haven't worn that in ages.
No.
Haven't done a lot of things in ages.
I remember you in that.
Very nice.
Thanks.
Whether it still fits or not is another matter.
Dad, my black singlet.
I'm sorry, love.
I had some cards in my pocket.
I've tried washing it out five times, but it's stuck like glue.
Cards'? Bummer.
Gonna wear this tonight.
Gonna get my disco groove back.
Disco? Who's going to a disco? Me.
Well, nightclub.
It's a girls' night out with Chrissy and Angela.
That's OK, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
No worries.
Good.
Um, Dad, what cards? Just some cards.
Huh.
Oh, well, don't worry.
I'll take care of it.
Can I have a word? Yeah, course.
You look terrific, love.
Oh, thanks.
it's just breathing that's the problem.
Yeah, well, I was thinking about losing those cards in the wash was the world's way of telling me something - or me telling myself something.
Sorry, what do you mean? Well, I read about this social group - Friend Finders - for the over-50s.
Oh.
And last night I went along for Christmas drinks.
But, Dad, that's fantastic.
And those cards I collected - phone numbers, email addresses And you lost them in the wash'? Yeah.
But, Dad, that doesn't mean anything.
So you left them in your pocket, so what? It isn't Freudian.
What's great is that youyou know, you're looking to the future.
Well, there was this one lady, Helen something.
Ah.
And I was thinking that she might want to come along to the Scrabble night tonight.
Oh.
Well, isn't there an office you can ring? Find out her number that way? Uh-uh.
No, no.
Oh, Dad, you know, at least you've taken the first step.
But this is what she would have wanted.
She told me as much.
Really? In a letter.
The one in the time capsule.
âIf anything should happen, live your life,â she said.
That's what we all have to do.
(DOORBELL RINGS) I'll get it.
You're a hard man to track down, Ted Taylor.
But needs must when the devil drives.
I brought you some rum balls.
So, may I come in'? DAVE: Bit of a dark horse, aren't you, mate? Never told me there was anyone in your stables called Marjorie.
Out now.
What about the drains? Forget the drains.
Two kids back at home.
Yep.
Well, that's the trend these days, isn't it'? Oh, I don't know about a trend.
It's just the way things worked out.
Ted too.
Really got your work cut out for you.
Not, not anymore.
They're all house-trained.
(SIGHS) Anyway, I'll leave you both to it.
Nice to have met you.
Nice to meet you too.
Where'd she spring from? Shh! Milk'? No, thank you.
So how did you find me? Being membership secretary has its perks.
What I didn't expect was that it'd be your daughter's house.
Yeah, well, after Louise At our age, you're just not prepared.
All those years together, and then suddenly alone.
Mmm.
I had rather hoped that you'd contact me.
I mean, I don't give my card to just anybody.
But we only met last night.
Well, that's true, but you know what they say - timing is everything.
Rum ball? No, thanks.
Oh, hello.
It smells in here now.
I reckon the whole system's blocked.
This toilet's not flushing properly.
Whoa! You look great.
Oh, thanks.
Where did you say you were going again? Um, I don't know.
Some nightclub that Chrissy goes to.
Don't worry, I'll be home before I turn into a pumpkin.
What's it called? Uh, Tracks, Sacks? Tracks? Isn't that where all the local groovers go? Yeah.
Don't you think I'll fit in'? No, that's the problem - I think you'll fit in just perfectly.
Oh! Thank you.
What was that for'? The vote of confidence.
OK (RATFLES CUP) .
.
you ready? This is how it is.
At my age, there's no time to beat around the bush.
I'm a retired chemist - the shop variety - and I've been a widow for three years and spent pretty much all of that time by myself.
I own my own house and I've got a few shares - nothing too lavish.
I've got a daughter on the Gold Coast, a son in Perth, and I like dancing, occasional game of tennis, crosswords and travel.
The question is - do you think there's any chance that you and I might be compatible? If there isn't, I don't want to waste any more of your time - or mine.
I mean, neither of us is getting any younger, and I'm sure that neither of us wants to be alone any longer than we have to.
Marjorie, I No'? Of course.
I mean, that's fine.
A bit disappointing, but absolutely fine.
I mean, nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say.
No time wasted and no hard feelings.
That's not what I meant.
What did you mean? (STAMMERS) This is all so new to me.
I feel terrible.
Oh, don't feel terrible.
This is just my way of circumventing all the usual rubbish that comes with getting to meet someone.
(CLEARS THROAT) You'll see.
It's a lot less painful this way.
I mean, now we can be just friends, none of those complicated half-baked definitions.
(SIGHS) Now, if I could just use your bathroom, I'll be off.
Yes.
Of course.
(TOILET CLAN KS, FLUSHES) Everything alright? Well, I don't know.
This whole meeting people business - it's not how I remember it.
(SCOFFS) Times change.
Do they? Whatever happened to meeting someone you like, getting up the courage to ask them out, and then floating home on a cloud when they said yes? Oh, well.
Maybe you haven't met the right girl yet.
MARJORIE: Oh, my sweet star! Marjorie? Stop, stop! Marjorie! It won't stop.
What's happening? The toilet's blocked.
There's water everywhere and that's not all.
I'll turn off the water.
I'm so sorry.
(SIGHS) I knew you wanted me out of here.
You didn't have to booby trap the facilities.
(CHUCKLES) Alright, it's official - the bathroom is now closed.
What? Dad, we're three days out from Christmas.
No way.
I'm telling you, it's your vego-meat, that gelatinous muck you washed down the sink.
(CH UCKLES) Right, and the fact that there are five adult CARNIVORES sharing one toilet - nothing to do with it.
We didn't start eating meat yesterday.
You stopped.
Well, I've masked the eau du toilet with eau du toilette, so I'm off.
Have a nice night, Mum.
Yeah.
Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
There's a license to play up if ever I've heard one.
Hey, heV- Oh.
Mwah.
Have a good night.
You too.
Oh, yeah.
Me and the sewerage.
Looking forward to it.
Aw.
I love you.
Love you too.
'Bye.
Mmm.
We're out for dinner.
'Bye.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, Dad, you really should get a hobby.
You know, even Mum's getting out.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Hello.
Not much more I can do tonight.
If you need to strain the potatoes, try the yard.
The grass likes the phosphates.
Look, I'm gonna head next door for a beer if you fancy it.
At least their bathroom's not blocked.
No thanks, mate.
Happy here.
OK, then.
(FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) Helen.
Maybe the universe was trying to tell me something after all.
Bugger it.
Evening, all.
Hello there.
You short of a fourth? Um, no.
Actually, that's Merv's seat.
He's just gone to the loo.
No worries.
I might just help myself to a juice.
Need to keep a clear head with this Scrabble.
It was lovely to meet you last night.
You too.
(SIGHS) Merv's been chasing me for ages.
Last night he, uh, walked me to the car.
Lucky Merv.
(CH UCKLES) It's not often you meet someone you really connect with at these things.
Merv's the man, eh? (SIGHS) Well, he's, um Oh, he's kind and thoughtful.
Counts for a lot.
Well, I, uh I should be getting back.
Let's hope I get something more interesting than 'T's and vowels this time.
Good luck.
Who was it said Christmas can be a lonely time? Well, without that someone special to share it with "they knew what they were talking about.
I still can't believe the price of lipstick! That'll teach me to hibernate Oh, no.
Look at the queue.
CHRISSY: Follow me, girls.
Are you on the guest list? Hold on one moment, please.
If my name's not on that guest list, there'll be trouble.
If your name's not on the list, you're not coming in.
Chrissy Merchant plus two.
Hmm.
Welcome to Tracks.
Oh, my God! I don't believe it.
(LAUGHS) Thanks, Stace.
It's always nice to impress.
No, worries.
I'll see you at the hairdresser.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I think I know how my dad felt last night at Friend Finders.
(GIGGLES) How's that? Old.
(OTHERS LAUGH) Don't be silly.
I'm out of practice.
Oh, rubbish.
it's just like riding a bike.
Besides, you're only as young as the man you feel.
(LAUGHS) Oh Oh, right! Ho, ho, ho, ho (LAUGHS) Think I'm having age-inappropriate thoughts.
Ah, there you go.
Just get back on that bike.
Yeah, and enjoy the view! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Ah! (LAUGHS) Oh, no, sorry.
Wrong table.
Yeah, no, I'm tipsy after one! Sorry.
Oh Oh, no.
Oh, no, sorry.
We can't accept the drinks.
Why not'? Because what are we agreeing to? Nothing! No-one buys you a drink for nothing.
There are expectations.
(LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY) Yeah, that you enjoy the drink.
Oh Jules, are you here to enjoy yourself or not? Oh Oh, OK! OK! Whoo-hoo! There you go.
That wasn't so hard, was it? Why do I feel like I've just been unfaithful'? (LAUGHS) It's just a bit of harmless fun.
ANGELA: Cheers, ladies.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! CHRISSY: Whoo! Thanks for this.
Yes.
Thank you so much.
Oh, oh, oh Oh, my God.
They're coming over.
(JULIE LAUGHS) How do I look? Sensational! On the usual, global warming, are you pro-Gore or do you think that it's all just cyclical and'? (CASUALLY) Oh, hello.
G'day.
You mind if we join you? Actually, we're just in the middle of a conversation.
Oh, it can keep, you know'? Icecap's not melting that fast.
(ALL LAUGH) Actually, I was just wondering if you'd like to dance.
I love dancing! I don't think so.
I haven't finished my drink, for which, thank you.
Come on.
It's a good song.
Is it'? Course it is.
Dance with the man! It's Christmas.
Live a little! Her name's Julie.
Julie.
Stop Ah.
Hi, Julie.
I'm Paul, Julie.
Lovely to meet you.
Hi, Paul.
Hi.
So are you gonna come and dance? Oh, OK! CHRISSY: Whoo! You go, girl! I should let you know- I am married.
Oh, yeah? I'd like to be one day.
Oh! Just haven't found the right girl yet'? Ah, not really, no.
Oh.
So, um, where's the hubby'? Um, he's at home unblocking the drains.
(BOTH LAUGH) He's a handyman, is he? Yeah.
Oh, yes, he is.
(TV ROCKS 'FLAUNT IT' PLAYS) Chrissy, that was fantastic but I've gotta go.
I'm exhausted.
No, we're going to Jo Jo's! Oh, I can't, really.
I've had such a great time but What? Uh I've got someone keeping the bed warm for me.
I should get home.
Goodnight.
Um (LAUGHS) Say goodbye to Angela for me.
(JULIE SIGHS) TED: Good night? (YAWNS) (GAS PS) Ooh! Hey.
Um, yeah, it wasfun.
But Butuh a lesson in how lucky I am.
How about you? Did you go out? A lesson on how tough it is out there.
What - even in your snazzy new shirt? Oh, it takes more than a new shirt to impress.
It takes kindness, thoughtfulness and triple-word scores.
Sorry? Don't worry about it.
Oh, there's that smell again.
Oh, I can't Time for bed.
Even a happily married woman needs her beauty sleep.
Are you, uhyou staying up? For a little while.
OK.
Well, 'night.
'Night.
Well, that's the trouble with reaching out - sometimes someone gets hurt.
(BANG!) (BANG!) Dad, what are you doing? What does it look like'? Are you crazy? Call a plumber.
(SCOFFS) Yeah.
On a Sunday'? You've gotta be kidding.
Where are you off to? Well, like, I have ajob.
Property inspections on a Sunday'? That's a bit rough too, isn't it? Yeah, exactly, which is why You don't You don't think Mum's gonna make me stick to the roster, do you? No.
I'm going to.
Dad, that's not fair.
You've got me down for dinner tonight.
Well, pick something up on the way home.
I've got back-to-back meetings.
Time management - that's what it's all about, mate.
Dad, that's really That's really not fair.
Your mother's been doing it all this time.
Yeah, well, she's had years of practice.
Exactly! So maybe it's time to share the load, pick up the slack.
And just in case that's what you were thinking about doing, maybe you could help me with the Maybe you could help me with these drains! There you go.
Thanks.
So what time did you hang up your dancing shoes last night? Not long after you left.
Oh, I didn't mean to spoil the party.
No, you didn't.
I justl started seeing the place through different eyes.
I just started thinking Please, don't judge me on this.
Never.
I just started wondering, âWhat's Carbo doing?" You know'? âIs he playing a computer game or eating pizza, âor is he crashed out in front of the telly?â (SIGHS) He really likes me, Jules, and I hate to admit it and I know that you think it's weird but I justfeel comfortable with him.
You know'? it'sit's easy.
DAVE: Jules Jules, you seen the drain plan? What.
.
.
what drain plan? For the yard.
The drains don't seem to be where you think they'd be.
Um, well, it's probably with the passports and birth certificates.
Where's that'? With all the other important documents.
W-where's that'? (SIGHS) I think we might have lost the passports and birth certificates.
Sorry.
You were saying? Mmm, just that, you know, it's hard enough to find love in this world.
You should probably grab it when you can.
Don't you think? Yeah, I do think.
(DOORBELL RINGS) MELISSA: I'll get it.
Not sure about the nature doco, mate.
Who wants to watch insects doing the biz while we eat our dinner? You choose, then.
OK.
What else is on? Something more Christmassy? 'Scrooged' is on.
I love 'Scrooged'.
Carbo Hello.
Hi.
What are you doing here? We were just about to have dinner in front of the telly.
'Scrooged' is on.
Right.
I thought you weren't comfortable with the guys here.
That's what you said.
(LOUDLY) Um, Ben, there's carols on.
Ohyeah.
See'? Getting in the Christmassy mood already.
Help yourself to pasta.
Thanks, guys.
So what are we - friends? What does that mean? It means I'm not embarrassed to be with you and I'm not gonna stress about the age thing.
So more than friends? Well, who needs labels? I do.
What's this? Open it and find out.
(CHUCKLES) No way.
It's beautiful.
You shouldn't have.
There's your label.
'Nick'.
Happy Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
(GIGGLES) JULIE: Dave (CHUCKLES) You could have excavated through to London by now.
Yeah, good thing I found the passports.
(SIGHS) Oh, this is useless, Jules.
I'm gonna have to call a plumber.
He's gonna come in here, dig up the entire backyard, maybe even re-lay the entire drainage system.
You know how much it's gonna cost us'? No.
More than we have, I can tell you that.
Living life's on hold, Jules.
The roster Nazi has spoken.
OK.
Yes.
I stuffed up, alright? I'm a loser.
Nathan, what going I can't do my job and plan a menu at the same time! That is why we are having yummy diet meals.
OK'? That's all they had.
If you wanted something different, fine.
I don'tl don't have it.
If you had the sort of rubbish day that I've had I've had Karl all over me.
I got stuck in traffic.
I've lost my bloody phone charger.
No-one would return my cal Well, don't look at me like (SOFTLY) Nathan Not now, Sam! OK'?! Whoa.
Meltdown.
(DOOR SLAMS) Nathan, you got the dinner.
It's no big deal.
I lost a sale.
So what? Ll thought it was in the bag.
The bloody vendor went with someone else.
Boss isn't happy It's just one sale, Nathan.
I've never made a sale, Dad.
Do you realise that'? They pay for my phone.
They pay for my car.
I'm in debt up to here and I am going backwards.
Well, I'm sorry, mate.
Il didn't know that.
You want me to be perfect? I'm not.
No.
Look, we never said that.
You did! This morning you said, âWork, cook, dig drains.
" And I don't appreciate the mum act, you know'? Nathan, I'm your dad.
I care about you too, you know'? Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
I'm trying, but it's just not happening.
Life's not that easy.
You can't just take it and mould it into what you want.
Come here, mate.
No Come here.
(SIGHS) (QUIETLY) It's alright.
TED: Giving Julie more time for herself had brought Dave some unexpected rewards.
(PHONE RINGS) But Nathan was right.
It takes a lot of courage to engage with life, even when opportunities present themselves.
Ted Taylor.
Hello, it's, uh, Helen.
Look, I know this is a bit out of the blue but I wondered if you'd be able to have dinner with me sometime.
Merv and I It didn't work out.
I'm free tomorrow.
Christmas Eve.
Oh, Helen, I'd love to but I-l can't, I'm sorry - not tomorrow.
Family commitments.
('HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS' PLAYS) One step at a time.
I'd found Friend Finders.
I'd maybe even found some friends.
It's for me.
It's my Lego.
No, not that that would have mattered.
(LAUGHS) But on this night, of all nights, there was nowhere else I'd rather be than at home with family.
Oh Yay! (ALL CHATFER) Now, that's a tofu turkey.
Ah! Everyone, merry Christmas.
OTH ERS: Merry Christmas! All of us ready to face the future "next year.