Partners (2012) s01e12 Episode Script

So I said to him, "I finally figured out how I know you.
You and I went to high school together.
" And he looks at me and he says, "No.
I'm Luke Perry.
" True story.
True story.
We have an orderly on our floor named Luke.
Luke Mancosh.
True story.
Well, you've bested me again, hushpuppy.
You know what would make both of those stories better? If each of you were not sitting on one of my balls.
Why doesn't just someone get in the front? Because the person in the front always pays.
And we like to pay Taxi Jango, where the last person out of the cab has to pay.
And it's always Joe because he gets out of a car like an old man.
Oh.
There's my thing.
Would you turn it up? This week in TaxiTV we visit Beverly's Beadworks in Queens.
The Taxi Channel is running profiles of small businesses in all the cabs in New York.
They're coming into my store to interview me today.
I'm going to be plastered in the backseat of every cab in the city.
Which also describes my college roommate.
Ali, would you like me to pray for it to go well? Oh, it seems like kind of a silly thing to pray for.
Well, how would God know what you want it if you don't ask for it? He's not psychic.
Isn't he? I thought that was the whole thing.
Thank you, Wyatt.
That's very nice.
This is me.
I'll see you guys later.
Mwah.
Pass it on.
Mwah.
Pass it on.
- And then there were three.
- DMV please, next block.
Why are you going to the DMV? I lost my license.
I have to get a new one.
Yes.
We believe a Disney prince has stolen it and is using it as an ID.
My eyes were closed in that photo.
Guess I blinked.
True story.
- Oh, this is me.
Bye, guys.
- See you later.
- And then there were two.
- I'm going to 6th and Lincoln please.
Can you believe how good-looking my boyfriend is? Yeah.
That must be hard for you, huh? Well, on the one hand, you've got that colossal ego that needs you to date someone great-looking.
But on the other hand, you've got that gigantic ego that needs you to be the best-looking one in the relationship.
Boy, I would not want to be in your clogs.
Really? Newsflash! I don't dress for you.
And by the way, I had no problem with Wyatt being better looking that I am.
It's well-known that at every partnership, one person is better looking than the other.
Am I right about that, Tigbor? I don't know about that, you know.
Ali and I are about the same.
Same what? Species? Barely.
You can't be serious.
Yeah.
I think Ali and I are in the same zone of attractiveness.
Don't you agree, Tigbor? I will translate for Tigbor.
He just said, "I was judge on Ukrainians Next Top Model, and the tall one with the stylish clogs, he is right.
" You're not right, and you're not that tall.
Well, maybe not, but I am fast.
Jango! No, no, no! Guys, you got a project due in two weeks.
Don't do that thing you always do.
What thing? You put off your work to the last second.
You're like college kids.
Last month, you spent a whole week trying to figure out which one of you will be a better cop.
Well, I can grow a handlebar mustache, and I can also handle guns.
Boom.
Boom.
Raise your hand if you've ever actually frisked and handcuffed a man.
A-boom.
A-boom.
This is what I'm talking about.
I want you guys to work during the day now, so we don't have to work nights two weeks from now.
Why? What's happening in two weeks? The start of Real Housewives of Puerto Rico? I joined an internet dating site, and Rosalita Glad To Meet Ya needs her free time.
All right.
Fine.
We'll start.
Okay.
How about this? If you admit that Ali is better looking than you, I will admit that you'd make a better cop.
Why does this bother you so much? Because.
Because it's a well-known fact that in every partnership, one person is better looking than the other.
It's true with you and Ali.
It's true with you and me.
- Yeah.
That I agree with.
- Thank you.
- No! - Yeah, dude.
- I am a good-looking guy.
- You don't look like Ernie.
- Ernie? Ernie who? - Ernie.
"Bert and Ernie" Ernie.
Excuse me.
No.
I am not Ernie of Ernie and Bert.
- Yes! - If anything, I am Bert of Bert and Ernie.
- No.
I'm Bert.
I'm Bert.
- You're Bert? I'm Bert.
I'm the tall one.
Hello? Unibrow.
So we're both agreeing here that Bert is very, very good-looking.
Oh, yeah.
I agree.
- And I am Bert.
- I am Bert.
- Get to work.
- We are working! - Hey, Ali.
- Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you? Hi.
Hello.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
I'm just really nervous.
I've never been interviewed before.
If I get too chatty, just tell me to shut up.
Just say "Shut up, Renata.
Just shut your stupid facehole.
Just shut it, or I will shut it for you.
" Renata, calm down.
You're not being interviewed.
You just have to sit in the background and look like you're working.
Oh.
Whew.
That's great.
I act like I'm working all the time.
Hey, do you want to smell something terrific? Yes.
It's my armpit.
No.
Are you sure? It doesn't smell like armpit.
It's a new deodorant, like mango-vanilla.
It's really addictive.
It's like the best smell I've ever It's like heaven in your underarm.
Come on.
Treat yourself.
Take a hit of the pick, girl.
I'm good.
It could be better.
- All right.
We are ready to go.
- Uh-huh.
Okay.
What should I do? Just stand right there and give a quick description of your store.
I was thinking maybe I could make a necklace.
Quick is the operative word there.
You see, I've got two minutes to shoot you and the guy next door that makes artisan mayonnaise.
Why? Because I borrowed $150,000 to go to film school.
- Ok.
- Okay.
Ready and action.
Hi.
I'm Ali Landow of Me and Ali Jewelry, and we are a family business, because families breed love, and we put that love back into every piece of jewelry.
Not only that, but each piece has a unique woman's touch because no one knows what goes better on a woman's body than a woman.
- Cut! - How was that? Should we go again? - No.
It's perfect.
- Do you think we will get noticed? Oh, I guarantee it.
Hello.
I'm here to pick up my driver's license.
I'm going to need to see your driver's license.
Little DMV joke.
I'm not funny.
- Here you go.
- Oh.
Thank you, Carl.
And you are funny.
How can I give you my license if I haven't even got any yet? It's absurdist humor.
Dear Lord, it's me, Wyatt.
First of all, thank you for blessing me with that funny DMV clerk.
And if that's my only blessing today, it will be enough.
But if you have another blessing available, it would be great if my eyes could be open in my driver's license photo this time.
Thank you.
Amen.
Wyatt.
Yes! They're open.
Thank you for listening, Lord.
I knew that if I just prayed long enough, I Wait a minute.
Noob Monis? Why does it say my name is Noob Monis? And what kind of name is Noob Monis? All right.
Listen.
It's well-known that in every partnership, one person is better looking than the other.
- Oh, yeah.
In our case, it's clear.
- Yeah.
This guy.
Look.
In order for us to get back to work, Louis and I need to objectively figure out which one of us is more attractive.
What is that supposed to mean? It means that every now and then Louis and I get into these arguments that we need to solve so we can do our work.
No.
What does objectively mean? You're a genius, you know that? I know how to use a condom.
Just tell us which one of us is better looking, me or Joe? - That's easy.
You are.
- What are you talking about? Joe's way more hot.
He's like the fifth Baldwin brother.
Well, I can't say that we haven't talked about this.
Some would argue we talk about it too much.
And I am not one of those people.
Now, if we really have to pick the best-looking guy in the office.
- I mean, if we really had to choose.
- I'd say - This guy! - You know what? Just forget it.
I don't know why we bring our important questions to you people.
- Ro-Ro! Get in here.
- Stop yelling.
You sound crazy.
- Sorry.
Just answer one question.
- Who's better looking? Me or Joe? No.
I'm not doing this.
Get to work.
Hey, we are working.
This is work.
Just answer the question, mami chula.
Fine.
It's a tie.
You're the two hottest cops I've ever seen since Don Johnson and that black guy.
Okay.
Which one's hotter? Don Johnson or the black guy? - Why do you always get to be the black? - I think you know why.
I got problems of my own right now.
I got like 1200 guys on this dating site that are liking and winking and poking and prodding me.
I feel like a pinata at a quinceanera.
Well, it seems we've angered Rumpelstiltskin.
Wait.
Actually, that's it.
That's the solution.
We'll both put profiles at a dating site.
Whoever gets the most hits is the most attractive.
What, like use Ro-Ro's site? No.
You use Ro-Ro's site.
I'll use a gay site.
That's not fair.
Gay sites are so easy.
The only things you need to get someone to hit on you are an Adam's apple and a pulse.
And maybe not even a pulse.
That is not true.
On a gay site, you actually have to be good-looking.
On a straight site, you just need to have a job.
And maybe not even have a job.
All right.
You know what? You think it's so easy to pick up girls on a straight site.
Then why don't you try? Okay.
Fine.
And you try to pick up guys on a gay site.
Whoever has the most hits at the end of 24 hours wins, and the loser has to admit that the other is better looking and pay for cab for the next month.
Come on.
You don't think that sounds like a ridiculous way to determine which one of us is better looking? - No, I do not.
- Me neither.
You're on.
All right.
Okay.
Joe's gay dating site video take 25.
Hey, guys.
Are you a guy? Because I'm a guy who likes guys.
If you're a guy who likes guys who likes guys, well, then I'm your guy.
I also like Kir Royale.
I'm the most interesting gay in the world.
You can't possibly think that that's what my people are like.
Hey, be happy.
The first 20 takes he wore the jacket with no shirt.
I should sue for visual harassment.
What do you want from me? You know, it's harder than it looks.
You'll see when you try to act straight.
Oh, please.
Acting straight is easy peasy George and Weezie.
Just put it around here and shoot me.
And three, two, one.
Go.
Oh, hello.
I'm Louis.
I'm in a small architectural firm in Brooklyn, New York.
I run it with my best friend.
He's gay but I'm cool with that.
I'm looking for someone that I can think about during the day and cook dinner for at night.
I just want you to be the best version of you that you can be, because I can't think of anything sexier than that.
Call me.
I'll be here ready to listen, because listening to you is the most important thing in the world to me.
Dios Mio.
I think my underpants just flew off.
And that's how you act like a straight guy.
Just one more time around the block please.
Honey, we've been driving around for like a half hour.
I don't think your commercial is coming on.
But they said it would be airing on all the cab TVs tonight.
What's stressing you out? Is it the cab fare? What? No.
I mean, do I like paying $2.
50 plus 50 cents every half mile plus an additional 50 cents on night surcharge plus a New York State tax of half a dollar? No.
But for you, anything.
Are you wearing makeup? It's not what you think.
I have to fill my profile for a gay dating site.
- And is that my turtleneck? - Yeah, it is.
You're also missing a pair of Spanx.
Oh.
It's on.
Hi.
I'm Ali Landow of Me and Ali Jewelry, and we are a family business, because - Wow.
You look great.
- I do, right? Wait.
What is Renata doing in the background? I don't know, but she's really going to town on that pit.
Hey.
Oh.
Just so you'll hear it from me, my profile is up on a straight dating website.
There's nothing weird going on.
It's okay.
I totally trust you.
Oh.
That's what's so great about us, hushpuppy.
We have complete trust.
- How was the DMV? - Well, I spent my entire day there.
Why? Did you meet someone? I knew I should have had Ro-Ro follow you.
I knew it.
- No.
The line was long.
- Oh.
I totally trust you, hushpuppy.
- Look at this.
- Hey, your eyes are open.
Noob Monis? How do you get from Wyatt Plank to Noob Monis? I have no idea.
One time at Starbucks they got my name wrong and called me Waytt instead of Wyatt.
So by the time I went up to get a coffee, they said "Wait.
" - That was another day lost.
- Well, I think you should keep it.
I can't keep it.
It's not me.
Wait.
Wyatt, this could be a huge opportunity for us.
- Why? - Well, you could have an alter ego.
Instead of my old-mannered Wyatt Plank, you could be superhero Noob Monis.
Well, what kind of things could Noob Monis do that Wyatt can't? Well, you know, what if there was an emergency and we had to leave the country? Or say we wanted to go to that filthy yet intriguing underground club in the east village called Tusk and dance in a giant birdcage while dozens of gay little people without their shirts on throw birdseed at us.
For example.
Louis, I'm not going to use a fake ID.
That would be lying, and there's never ever any reason to lie.
I'm just going to go back tomorrow morning and try to fix it.
Why don't you fix it today? I tried to.
I waited in line until seven o'clock.
- And? - The DMV closed at six.
Anyway, I'm going to get in line bright and early in the morning.
That's what I love about you, hushpuppy.
You're so wholesome and honest.
- Let me ask you one thing.
- We're not going to Tusk.
Fine.
I'm telling you, Joe.
That video of me at the store has gone viral.
- Well, that's a good thing.
- No! All anybody can talk about is Armpit Girl.
You have nothing to worry about, okay? Nobody watches cab TV.
- They're watching the meter.
- That's only you, Joe.
Trust me.
No one even noticed Renata.
Hey.
It's the girl who knows Armpit Girl.
Okay.
They do.
They know you.
But no one else saw it.
Okay? Now listen.
You have a good day.
Chin up.
Oh my I like almond milk.
- Next! - Yeah.
We got a problem.
My real name is Bob Germano.
This license says Ming Boombus.
Dear Lord, it's me, Wyatt.
Thank you for vindicating my decision to be honest, and for almond milk.
- Can we get through this please? - Is there a problem? Yeah.
This genius over here gave me a license with the wrong name on it.
Ming Boombus.
Carl, why does this keep happening? It's a one-time mistake.
That's what you said after Flap Nydorf, Mipsa Dingle and Hop Scribble-Scrabble.
Just give me one more chance.
Please.
My mother, she lives with me and she don't breathe so good.
Sir, have a seat.
I'll be right with you.
This is it, Carl.
If one more person complains about having a silly name on their license, I'm going to have to let you go.
You, let's go.
Dear Lord, what do I do? You know I can't lie.
I'll just have to tell the truth.
- How can I help you, sir? - I, uh - I, uh - I, uh - I, uh - I, uh Talk, bitch.
I just want to say what a good job Carl is doing.
He is very funny.
My name is Noob Monis, and that's a true story.
All right.
So you know the rules.
I'm going to log on to each of your accounts.
Whoever has the most hits wins.
Agreed? - Yes.
Come on.
- Do it.
Go.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
First up, Joe a.
k.
a.
Joemosexual33.
Really? That's what you came up with? Joseph the Amazing Technicolor Dreamboat was too long.
- Come on, Joe.
Show them what you got.
- Okay, Joe.
You get zero hits.
Zero? How the hell did I get zero? Man, I knew I should have never put that turtleneck back on.
All right.
Now Louis a.
k.
a.
Listen Kitten.
Louis, you got zero hits.
Son of a bitch! We should go.
I still think it was Joe.
Really? If I was going to repopulate the universe, I would start with Louis.
- That's weird.
- Is it? All right.
You boys get back to work.
I got to get ready for my date tonight.
His screen name is Puerto-frickin-Rican.
I got a good feeling about it.
Can you believe I got zero hits? I must look like a monster.
Hey, tell me the truth, Louis.
- Do I look like a monster? - No.
Of course not.
- You got that cute half smile.
- I do not.
Yeah.
Listen, Joe.
I've been sitting across this desk from you for a long time.
You got a nice face.
Dear Lord, he does look a little like a monster.
I don't get it.
How could Joe get zero hits? I got three gay brothers that would tear that up.
And if Louis was into it, I'd let him right in my boobs like a seesaw.
Please, stop.
I set up both accounts, so I cleared the hits before I showed them.
If they knew which one was better looking, they'd never get anything done.
- You know what? You're good.
- I'm impressed, Ro-Ro.
It's somewhat selfish.
I lose this job, I go back to selling birdseed at this bar called Tusk.
It's disgusting.
You don't want to know.
I can't believe we're actually going to get this project done before it's due.
I know.
Can you believe we wasted all that time on that stupid thing? Yeah.
That was pretty silly.
You know, what really matters is that we are two really lucky guys who are dating out of our league.
Yeah.
I couldn't agree more.
I mean, who in the world is more beautiful than my fiance Ali? My boyfriend Wyatt.
- You did not just do that.
- No, I did not.
You did.
Well, I think there's only one way to resolve this.
Put Ali and Wyatt on the bisexual website? - I don't see any other way.
- You're on.