Perfect Couples s01e12 Episode Script

1 Actually I'd kind of like to do it with the lights on tonight.
Oh, honey, I'm tired.
That's all right.
Just lay there.
I'll do all the work.
Good night, my someone good night, my love whatcha meditating about? [crunching popcorn.]
Hey Rex, did we make love this morning? No, I had a meeting.
And you didn't come home for lunch.
It's 11:52.
The streak.
I know you can hear me.
[growling.]
And good night my [high-pitched.]
someone Good night Luke, that is what we humans call really, really cute.
[grunts.]
That was so violent.
I thought this was supposed to help you relax.
That was close.
[panting.]
I got a busy day tomorrow.
I've got book club.
Let's do this.
[rock music.]
The secret to the life you wanted it's all True someone's got to do it now we have the facets working we got through all we need is you and given what you have indicated you're looking for, we think this could be an ideal location for your corporate headquarters.
Excuse me.
Vance is on line one.
He says it's urgent.
Thank you.
Hey.
Where are you? I need help.
I don't know what to do, man.
Meet me downtown, now! Should I buy these red pants? Big Client.
Big Commission.
Big big recession.
Dave, I am engaged to be married.
Do you have any idea what that means? He's worried it means settling down.
Vance is someone who needs to constantly be evolving, pushing limits.
Alfredo and I really bonded this Morning.
Look at him, okay? He's been with the same guy almost 20 years.
They are not even talking Marriage.
Well, you understand, I can't actually get married.
Yeah.
He gets it.
All right, I need you to be honest.
Can I pull these off? All right, walk it.
Let's see what we're working with here.
Get 'em.
Really? How many conversations have we had about getting you into a less conventional tapered Jean? I am so glad I called you.
11:00 a.
M.
, Rex.
Oh, so good news.
The Barbecue's back on.
Dave finally finished the Deck.
- Oh.
- Well, it's about time.
Why didn't he just hire someone? Well, you know Dave.
He's frugal.
$2,000 for a deck? You know what? I'll do it myself.
40 bucks for a power saw? Heh, No.
- Hey, Honey.
- Hey.
- Are you doing okay? - It's going All right.
[grunting.]
Rex, listen the head of the east Portland Homeowners Association just passed.
Dunphy died? Finally! Now you can run for a seat.
This is the kind of resume builder that could really help lay the groundwork for your future political Career.
Plus, the president gets to ride around the neighborhood in a golf cart.
This is just how John Kennedy Started.
Actually, he was a hero of World war ii.
Oh, we are not doing wars.
Rex, I don't know you were interested in Politics.
Well, I've always had a strong desire to help people.
I mean, I've never verbalized it or consciously thought it.
- Hey, Gang.
- Hey.
All right, guys! Prepare to have your minds blown.
I weighed in.
What do you think? I don't know what to say.
You say no.
You have to put your foot down.
God, we're in, like, ten fights already.
And I feel like so many of them aren't getting enough attention.
You're getting married.
You better learn how to speak up and tell him the things you don't like, or you'll be living like Susie death deck over here.
Hey, you build a deck for under 50 bucks.
It's time to put the "Honest" back in honesty.
And that's not just Rex's campaign slogan.
It's unbelievable.
Amy said no to my pants.
She can't tell me what to wear.
As long as she says I can't wear them, these bad boys aren't coming off.
Hey, you're the big Winner.
Getting to wear your tight, red pants to the gym.
Are you bleeding? No, that's just my sweat causing the Dye to run down my Leg.
Alfredo assures me it's normal.
Vance, lose the pants.
Amy's doing you a favor.
Ask me what I'm wearing.
What are you wearing? I have no idea.
Because Leigh dresses me every morning, and I love it.
I mean, sure, her tastes tend to be on the preppy Side.
Is that an izod weight belt? The point is, I don't waste a bunch of mental energy worrying about that stuff.
Frees me up to think big Picture.
Space.
We may not be alone here.
Well, I pick my own clothes, and I think these Pants are gonna be the anchor of my whole new Look.
Like Dave's party shirt.
Ohh.
That baby's rock solid for any occasion.
[flashbulb clicking.]
Flick, Flack, no Stack I got the wit that my enemies lack but I know what I am [rock music.]
Honey, the deck looks so nice! Aw, thanks.
You can put your full weight on it.
Yeah, I know.
[chuckles.]
Hey, guys.
Two can play at this game.
Vance wants to embarrass me by wearing those stupid red pants, I'll embarrass him by Wearing my Mom's stupid old Jumpsuit.
That outfit's actually back in style.
You look adorable.
Damn my Darling figure.
Oh, maybe if I hike the socks up too high, like you in that hiking picture you like for some reason.
[horn honking.]
Check it out, dual cup holders, foot-activated Horn, comfortably seats one tasty asian.
I am seated Comfortably.
So it happened? You're president of the homeowners association? And it was a hard-fought victory.
Okay, you're the only one interested in the position, so just sign here and you're it.
Chills.
[gasping.]
Those things are growin' on me, bro.
You've got to be kidding me.
You're really feeling them, huh? You have to get this pant situation under control.
This thing is spreading.
Okay? Rex is getting ideas.
Honey, what if I wore sneakers to brunch? Shut it down, Amy.
Hey, jackass.
You made your point.
Oh, really? 'cause I don't even know what my point is.
Classic Vance.
Take logic right out of the equation.
You wore that to look stupid, huh? 'Cause you look great.
Which makes you look stupid, but not in the way you intended.
Why don't they just let each other wear what they want? They have issues.
But don't worry.
Marriage will solve them.
Hmm.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
All right, this party started at an eight.
How do we get it to a ten? Are you drunk enough for jarts? I was born drunk enough for jarts.
Best thing I ever bought at a garage sale.
You up for some illegal lawn darts? No, a man in my position, the press'll have a field day.
I'm a role model.
Come one, I know the jarts are in here somewhere.
My party shirt.
What the [shower running.]
Dave, honey great funeral, huh? I really feel Closure.
Yeah, totally! Good news.
Guess who wants to have dinner with us tonight? Dr.
Fareed mahari.
The prominent dentist? Let's take a look.
Debbie could you hold his tongue? Yeah.
Oh, heh, a little intimate, Debbie.
[chuckles.]
Get in there.
- Aah.
- Aah.
Rex, you know some really powerful people.
Do you know who Dr.
Mahari's cousin is? No, I have no idea who amir mahari, city comptroller is.
[chuckles.]
Hello, Julia.
[shudders.]
You seem surprised.
Are you not happy to see us? Why did you hide my party shirt? I didn't.
I was just boxing up a bunch of our shiny stuff.
It probably got in there by Accident.
Ohh.
Okay, Dave, I'm sorry.
But I hate the party shirt.
I hate it.
But I don't want to be one of those couples that tells each other what to wear.
It's not just the the party shirt.
There's a bunch of my stuff in here.
Dave, some of your stuff sucks.
So these suck? My carbonite Adventure 14s? Yeah.
Those suck a lot.
Wow, um [chuckles.]
my "Ooka-lay-lay.
" Oh, sucks.
But mostly just 'cause you say it like that.
Honey, I'm sorry that you had to find out this way, but if you think about it, I'm doing you a favor.
Oh no, I yeah, I see.
Th-That's I you're protecting me from my own horrible taste.
And that's awesome.
I just I now I feel guilty because you're giving me all this great help, and I've yet to return the favor.
So, uh, can we discuss your curtains? I made those from our old bedspread.
Rule of THUMB: If it's too ugly to be a bedspread, don't hang it on the wall.
That is very Helpful.
Uh, then there's the way you eat corn.
Oh! So we're going on to behaviors now.
You attack the poor cob with such fury.
You claim it's your favorite food, but there's a real anger there.
How about a piece of constructive advice for you? Um don't act out Monty python bits around me all the time.
[British accent.]
Oh, nobody expects the spanish inquisition.
See, I shouldn't know that.
This is great.
Honesty.
Did you tell them to do this? Seems too healthy for them to have arrived at it themselves.
How about not stretching uhh just constantly in Random public Places.
Yeah.
Uhh.
I'm at starbucks.
I'll have a venti, please.
Maybe don't try to work so hard to prove that you're cool with gay people.
Hmm? "Oh, that jacket is so fierce, Brett!" "Oh, man, I really hope my kids are gay, Josh.
" the dysfunction.
It's so tragic.
Closet full of Crocs.
Your crappy world Music.
Always having to do the butterfly when you swim.
Hmm.
Lullaby! What? Lulla-by.
Sucks.
Ouch.
[whispering.]
What is the significance of that? - You sing her a lullaby? - Every night? Since the first night we were together.
It just happened.
It was very natural.
Was she in a crib at the time? I'm sorry.
You're in a vulnerable place.
I just needed one.
If he gets one, I should get one.
Did she like it? Did you like it? Of course I did.
It was from my favorite musical, the music man.
It was the sweetest thing Anyone has ever done for me.
How'd it go, dude? Did she finally give it up? Oh, um nice to see you again, Julia.
Hey, sis.
But that was the first time.
And then he did it the next night and the next night and I don't know, my enthusiasm got a little Forced.
Sleep tight, my someone sleep tight but it had gone ON too long, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Even when he went out of town.
I wish they may and I wish anyway, that's the story.
Take your best shot, Rex.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
Your lullaby, my pants.
I mean, why do they want to take everything that makes us special? I don't think I'm overstating it when I say you may be history's greatest Monster.
Ohh, I know.
I feel really bad.
But I was being honest.
And that's good, right? Aah! Agh! [giggles.]
No.
I can't believe she crushed you like that in front of the cobra crew.
We're not calling ourselves that.
Thisthis is actually a great opportunity.
She owes you.
He's right.
You've got political capital.
[chuckles.]
I'm sorry, you don't know what that means.
You've got an opportunity to get something.
And you can't forgive her until she gives you something awesome.
You're exactly right.
This is this is actually not a bad um, here.
Give me some good stuff to ask for.
Okay, you and me, Joshua tree, hallucinogenics vision Quest.
Next.
Trail Blazers season Tickets.
Italian Motors.
Walk-in Humidor.
Jeez, you really had those locked and loaded.
Someday, Leigh will screw up.
And I will be ready.
I'm so glad we got together.
I was, in fact, just mentioning to my cousin, the comptroller, what a fine young couple you are.
Your cousin's doing a great job.
Yes, things really seem to be under "Comptrol.
" There is one thing a man in your position might be able to help me out with.
And I hope, despite your relationship, you're able to remain impartial.
But our neighbors, Dave and Julia.
They're building a deck.
If it happens east of Maple, I know about it.
That deck is not up to code.
It's an eyesore.
I want it removed.
But Dave worked so hard on it.
These things are a slippery slope.
Where will it end? Chain Link fences? Cars parked on lawns? Just this afternoon, I saw a guy walking around in red pants.
Red pants! I ask you, is that the kind of neighborhood you want to live in? Make this go away, Rex, and I will make it worth your while.
Our first SHADY backroom Deal.
[forced chuckle.]
[door opens.]
Dave lullaby Hater.
Honey I feel awful.
Is there anything I can do to make you forgive me? There is.
Ahem.
I've made a list.
Be prepared for some big asks.
Antique juke box with your much-hated Rockabilly.
Uh, the phrase "Concept car" Makes an appearance.
Okay.
Let's take a look.
All right, I will give you two, five, and nine.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Till the next time I do something lame, and you crush me.
Oh, honey, it wasn't lame.
It was very sweet.
But, you know, that happens when you're with someone for a long time.
Some of the stuff that used to be cute just kind of stops being cute.
Like the way you snort when you laugh.
- What? - I used to love that.
You don't think my Snort is adorable anymore? Well there's a certain rural quality to it that's hard to get past.
But luckily, you tend to roll out new things all the time that I do love.
Yeah, you too.
You know, I think you have a new sneeze.
I like it.
I do.
Louder.
Zero Spray.
Thank you for noticing.
You'd be crazy not to like it.
[laughs and snorts.]
Right.
Ooh.
Oh, come on.
That is super Cute.
Hey, hustler.
What are you doing? Oh, just stealing your dumb uniqueness.
You wanna stand out, be an individual? Not gonna happen.
As long as you're wearing those pants, there will be two of you wherever you go.
You look like an idiot.
Oh, I know exactly which idiot I look like.
I can't.
Not with Such discord among my constituents.
But the streak.
You know who else had a streak? Dave, of fun times on his new Deck.
Rex, you're making too much out of this.
You'll make the right decision.
Trust your gut.
My gut has steered me wrong in the past.
You got a keg, and you heard there might be a party in the mountains? I'm in.
My name's Rex.
[hip-hop music.]
Rex, you've grown Wiser.
Think of it.
You could have any woman in the world and you chose me.
That speaks very highly of you.
Yeah, I did choose you.
I also chose these lamps out of the two options you gave me.
I can do this.
[sighs.]
Mr.
President.
All right, take those off.
You are embarrassing me in front of my golf peers.
You wanna end this? It's real simple.
Stop trying to "Comptrol" me! I really don't think people are you using that word correctly! You want me to take the pants off? I want you to take the pants off.
You want me to take the pants off? I want you to take the pants off! [quietly.]
They're all looking at us.
Yeah, they are.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
Don't you get it? I'll always stand out, as long as as long as you're in my life, I I don't need red pants.
You are my red pants.
Oh, Vance.
Tongue me.
Ohh! Are we good? Yes, of course.
Really, honey.
The honesty was a bit painful, but we're better for it.
Hmm.
I look forward to a future free of corncobs and the public stretching.
[chuckles.]
And because I love you, I'm gonna try to be a little less tolerant of gay people.
Good night, Baby.
Good Night.
[sighs.]
[singing softly.]
Good night my someone good night, my love sleep Tight my someone sleep Tight my love I wish they may and I wish they might [car alarm chirps.]
so good night my someone Good night Good night that is so much better than me doing it.
I've reached a resolution.
Dr.
Mahari, if I allow you to grow your Hedge higher than code allows, you will no longer be able to see the offending deck.
Everybody wins.
I still don't understand why we're afraid of upsetting you.
Or what a comptroller is, but that that sounds fine.
I will accept no compromise.
If you want my support, the deck must go.
Then I choose Dave.
I want to get ahead, but not at any cost.
The deck stays.
[stomps foot.]
I choose the dentist.