Perfect Harmony (2019) s01e12 Episode Script
Hymn-A-Thon
1 CHOIR: Ah Men Wow.
Here it comes.
"Wow, glad my wife is dead so she didn't have to hear that.
" Actually, I was about to say, "Wow, you have never sounded better.
" Which is still a low bar.
I'm sorry, I can't help myself.
So do you think we're ready for regionals? Absolutely, I think we have a shot at winning.
- [CHEERING.]
- There we go.
Speaking of regionals, I have good news: I spoke to the pastor at our sister church in Lexington, and she said we could sleep on their sanctuary floor.
- Are you serious? - I know, right?! It'll be like camping in God's tent.
No, sleeping in a drafty church the night before a performance would be terrible for your voices.
We can think of the draft as God blowing us a kiss.
I'm not sleeping on the floor.
What am I? A dog? - Or a Wayne? - None taken.
We don't have enough money for a hotel.
Normally, I would offer to pay, but I'm "Leveraged to the Max.
" Which, by the way, is the name of the expensive racehorse I invested all my money in.
What if we raised the money? I mean, we raise the roof all the time.
What-what? [LAUGHS.]
Or we could just have a bake sale.
- Or a car wash.
- Or we make up a guy, take out a credit card in his name, max it out, then write his obituary.
I'm thinking about calling him "Zachary P.
Whisperbone.
" No, we're musicians.
It needs to be music-related.
[GASPS.]
You said "we.
" [LAUGHS.]
You feel like you belong.
We are an "us.
" Calm down, it's just a pronoun.
It's not a promise ring.
Anyway I was reading this church choir blog about raising money through a Hymn-A-Thon.
People pledge money for us to sing.
[GASPS.]
- "Us.
" - Walk away.
"Church choir blog.
" Yeah, they have some really good ideas about choirs, and terrible ideas about everything else.
Dibs on anything Beyonce, Madonna, Lizzo.
It's Rizzo, and no, we're not doing anything from "Grease.
" Traditional choir music only.
A Hymn-A-Thon! I love it! All in favor sing "I!" - I - I CHOIR: I I! I just wanted to show off my range.
I think a Hymn-A-Thon is dumb as hell.
I'm so sorry to hear about Buster's passing.
21 is too young for a cat to die.
Our choir would love to sing a hymn in his honor for the low, low cost of $5.
For $10, we can make it really special.
- [SIGHS.]
- Can I help you? A friend of mine lives nearby, and I seem to have gotten a little bit lost.
Yeah, you don't look like you live this far from I-75.
What gave me away? The hat, the keen sense of intelligence that permeates every sentence, or the full set of teeth? Is that by chance your friend? The one man not in overalls? Yes.
Arthur! Tate! What are you doing here? [LAUGHS.]
Music conference in Nashville.
- Wow.
- I skipped out early just to see you.
Plus, it was all downhill after the keynote speaker.
- Were you the speaker? - I was.
My keynote was C-sharp.
It killed at the conference.
[LAUGHS.]
Ginny, this is Tate Tippet, who is also an idiosyncratic Princeton music professor who judges people harshly.
Oh, cool, I'm so excited for there to be two of you.
I wanna catch up, but if you'll excuse me, I left my car unlocked, and everyone in here looks like they could teach a master class in hot-wiring.
[LAUGHS.]
Better safe than sorry.
Aw, you have a friend.
Isn't that nice? He is the only person on the whole campus who had my back when I was unfairly dismissed.
Are we still calling that unfair? I mean, didn't you, like, throw a piece of furniture at a child? I gently tossed a chair that landed near a student.
It was student adjacent.
I don't mind if you talk back, but please use your diaphragm.
Also, don't talk back.
[COUNTRY MUSIC.]
I like this town for you.
Might even be a little jealous that you got away from the rat race.
Hey, Conly Fork has a rat race.
Thursdays by the big fork, although a small possum owned by a powerful family wins every time.
Wherever you go, you can't get away from politics.
There is the hardened cynic I fell in love with.
Ooh.
Oh shoot.
I have to head over to the church for an all-night sing-a-long.
[LAUGHS.]
- Aw, you're serious.
- Mmhmm.
Well, that's too bad.
I was hoping you'd come out and celebrate with me.
You're looking at the new chair of the music department.
What? [LAUGHS.]
Congratulations! Finally a visionary at the helm! Thanks, man.
That means a lot coming from the best professor to ever steal my lunch from the faculty fridge.
Hey, that baba ghanoush was for everyone.
We need to celebrate.
- We should be drinking.
- We are drinking.
What if I were to tell you I know of a place that has bourbon and clean glasses? - I would say, "hell yes.
" - Hell yeah.
I got us a great rate at a hotel in Lexington! And then I got us a good rate at a hotel in Lexington, Kentucky! [SQUEALS.]
So, all we gotta do is raise 1,000 bucks, and we will be all set.
Ooo, this'll help us keep track.
Fancy.
I think it's cute you think you know what fancy is.
I just hooked us up to our social media page so people can watch us sing.
Oh, no! My gram gram follows us, and she's a huge troll.
Hey, uh, change of plans.
Uh, I can help you guys get ready, but I gotta take my buddy out to celebrate his promotion.
Not to oversell, but everything in my life depends on this.
- Shoulders back.
- You're bailing on the Hymn-A-Thon? Tate has always been my biggest booster Lose the gum They promoted him to chair - So you wanna throw him? - Of the department.
Shut up.
So I'm gonna to take him out.
I'm gonna show him a good time, I'm gonna get my job back, and finally I can pull myself out of the muck.
Are we the muck? No, you're the the gross creatures who befriended me when I was in the muck, and I will never forget you.
Hit middle C.
You know where middle C is? Yeah? That's it, that's your anchor.
Stay close to that.
You guys are gonna be great.
- Appreciate it.
- Yeah, I got a note.
- You suck - You suck CHOIR: You suck I can't believe Arthur abandoned us.
Although, to be fair, it falls in line with every other terrible aspect of his personality.
Never trust a man with that many decorative scarves.
Who's he think he is? Johnny Depp? He can't out-scarf Depp.
No one can.
You can try, but Depp will just put on another scarf, and where does that leave you? I'll tell you.
One scarf behind Depp.
Okay, enough.
Ya'll! - We can do this! - Aw.
Remember when Arthur said "we"? I will lead us.
We got along fine before Arthur.
We can do it again.
So now, let's get out there, and let's sing like nobody's watching! - CHOIR: Yeah! - But hopefully they will be! - CHOIR: Yeah! - Can I get a what-what? - What? - What? That's the spirit! [LAUGHS.]
- Bibs, the usual.
- You have a usual? Amazing.
Make it two.
Okay, so four Winter Creek Bourbons, neat.
Comin' up.
Bibs, you're looking at the best instrumentalist in all of North America.
- Jazz Piano - Industrial bassoon Ska sitar.
So what's it gonna take to get this guy in the lineup tonight? Aw, I don't know.
It's cover band night.
I don't wanna bump Shammy Hagar.
Bibs, you gotta help me out here.
I need to butter this guy up.
He may have a job for me at Princeton, which means you will never have to listen to someone say, "could you please switch the TV to the opera channel," ever again.
Hey, Mr.
Sitar! You're up next.
- Hello world! - Hi.
We are the Second First Church Choir, and we welcome you to our all night Hymn-A-Thon.
- Hi.
- Ooh, look! A little heart is floating! Social media love is addictive.
[GASPS.]
But not as addictive as God's love.
[POPPING.]
Our first hymn is dedicated to Mrs.
Elliot's cat, Buster, who died doing what he loved: having diabetes.
CHOIR: All things bright and beautiful All creatures great and small All things wise and wonderful The lord God made them all [HEAVY METAL RIFF.]
- Woo! - [LAUGHS.]
I was pissed when I got bumped, but I'll be honest, this guy's good! Hey, I'm trying to give my buddy a good night.
If you ask for an encore, I'll buy your next beer.
What are we, like, the lamest house frat on campus? These pledges suck.
Come on, Conley Fork! Send us to regionals.
Come on! Please, please! [DING.]
"I will donate $5 if everyone stops speaking, and the big guy with the voice says my name.
" [DINGS.]
"Not him.
" Oh, rude.
Joanne.
[GASPS.]
Keep going.
- Come on.
- It's working.
- - [DINGS.]
Joanne.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All right! They loved you.
I haven't seen them that worked up since the "Suzanne Duran" reunion.
Fun crowd.
You should get up there.
If I killed it, you could at least wound it.
Tate, let's cut to the chase.
I know you came here with an agenda.
You do? Yeah, nobody comes to Kentucky voluntarily.
Not even LSU.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
Tate, yes, of course, I'd love to.
I forgive them.
Show me where to sign.
I don't care about the salary.
Oh, oh, oh, um you You think I'm here to offer you a job? I did until just now.
I don't know how to put this delicately [TENSE MUSIC.]
So I won't.
Your career is dead, and you're never gonna teach again at Princeton.
- Encore! - Ugh.
I know this is not great timing.
Shammy Hagar, do me a favor.
Plunge that pint glass into my skull.
Gotta give the people what they want.
Encore! I'm not buying you any more beer.
Withdrawn.
So you came all this way just to rub my face in my non-existent future? No, I came all this way to get you to sign a letter of apology, indemnifying the school from any legal action.
Apology? For what? You always said students were a bunch of snowflakes who needed to toughen up.
They do, but [SIGHS.]
times have changed.
We just gave a professor paid leave while we investigate her use of the term "flame retardant.
" I thought you had my back.
Actually, yeah, I did, but I'm an administrator now.
I gotta make an example of you.
I can't believe Tate Tippet sold me out for a paycheck.
In my defense, it's a really big paycheck.
[COUNTRY MUSIC.]
You seriously won't sign? I may be screwed, but so are you.
Hey, man, you see that guy at the bar who spent $300 on that stupid fedora? He just told me he thinks he could take you, easy.
Nobody takes Sqwatchy easy.
Yeah, you don't need that.
Oh, hallelujah Great is thy faithfulness Oh, God, my father - [SIGHS.]
- Thou changest not Thy compassions [LINE RINGING.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
This is Brian.
Hi, yes, I'm calling from the Second First Church.
- Hi, Jenny.
- Oh, you remembered! Well, you call more than Kevin, and he's obsessed with me.
Aw, he sounds nice.
Uh, quick question.
If we were to extend our stay to four nights, what rate would you be able to give us? I could knock another $10 off the nightly rate.
Okay, good, do that now cancel those two extra nights.
I'm so glad we could lock this rate in.
Say hi to Kevin for me! CHOIR: All unto Me - CHOIR: Ooh - [POPPING.]
Guys, great news.
I got the hotel to lower their rate again.
- Hell yeah.
- How's it going out here? Be doing a lot better if we maxed out Zach Whisperbone's Amex.
[PHONE DINGS.]
Oh, hey.
Kimberly said she'd give us $20 right now if, "the big guy says her name in a disapproving tone.
" When are you gonna learn it's never you? This is starting to weird me out.
I don't wanna kink shame, but these women are not making it easy.
Well, tough noogies.
From here on, there's no turning down any requests.
We are the Second First Choir, and we will do anything for money.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
- [GASPS.]
Oh, God, not that.
Dwayne, come on.
Get up here, you got this.
[BEATBOXING.]
Kimberly, Kimberly, Kimberly.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
You better than that.
$5 to eat a ghost pepper? Heck yeah.
Yeah! You got this! CHOIR: A mighty fortress is our God - Hey! - A mighty fortress is our God CHOIR: He's our God.
- A bulwark never failing - Another one, really? - Natalie DeWimple.
- CHOIR: He never fails Amid the floods CHOIR: That's going to build an ark - Of mortal ills prevailing - [POPPING.]
Gram gram, I know that's you, and that is rude.
His craft and power are great Linda Bellini, come on down.
You're the next contestant on "The Price is Right.
" - On earth is not his equal - [POPPING.]
I'm just saying, Brian, if you knock another $10 off the room rate, we could get the word out about your great establishment.
The Lexington Inn is the place to stay For business pleasure, or a fun getaway People say it's a little slice of heaven But don't sleep in, 'cause checkout's at 11:00 [DOOR CLOSES.]
I don't know all the hymns, but I'm pretty sure that's not one of them.
Arthur.
You came back.
People are just paying us to do weird crap now.
It's a career I never knew I wanted.
Even with all that we're still $348 short of our goal.
It's actually $353.
Yeah, my dad wouldn't pay once I threw up the ghost pepper.
It's the middle of the night.
Junior is asleep on the church floor, which is what we were trying to avoid in the first place.
Yeah, can we just call it quits? [ARGUING CHATTER.]
No, no, no, no, no.
We can't call it quits.
We came here to sing.
That's what we're gonna do.
I mean, is this the place we really wanna be right now? No, of course not, but if all of our other options have been taken away, yeah.
So I'm gonna conduct.
- And we're - [DINGS.]
gonna sing "If You're Happy and You Know It.
" [POPPING.]
[PLAYS KEY.]
CHOIR: If you're happy And you know it clap your hands [CRYING.]
Everybody! If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands CHOIR: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands [CRIES.]
If you're happy, and you know it! I can't see his face.
Is he happy? So, um, I'm guessing you didn't get the job? That job or any other apparently, and now the whole world knows.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
It's just Junior's extended family and a bunch of pervs.
- I'm sorry, Arthur.
- No! I thought I was so important that the rules didn't apply to me.
- It's hubris.
- Like Oedipus! It was a trivia question on my string cheese.
I deserved to get fired.
I'm a dick.
Well, the first step to healing is admitting it.
Unless you committed a crime, then it's deny, deny, deny.
And the fact you feel bad about it shows just how much you've grown.
I was kinda hoping someone was gonna object to the whole, "I'm a dick," thing.
I do, but only because I have more clever and specific insults.
Kimberly said she'll pay $10 to hear those insults.
I got you, girl.
Hey, guys, I know I said that we should do anything to get to regionals, but we don't turn on our friends when they need us the most.
Thank you.
And when you feel better, we should have some words, because you are a real dick.
Look, I can't un-toss the chair.
I can't un-abandon the Hymn-A-Thon, and the fact that that doesn't sound strange to me means I've been in Kentucky too long.
But what I can do, is I can help you raise this money.
Alas, our churchgoing audience is asleep.
Why did we do this from 7:00 PM to 7:00 AM instead of the other way around? Because I look good as hell in these pajamas.
They're not churchgoing people, but I do know a place where there is an audience that's awake.
I know you're probably thinking the prison, but they actually make you go to bed earlier than you think.
I do my hair toss, check my nails - Baby, how you feelin'? - CHOIR: Feelin' good as heck Hair toss, check my nails, baby, how you feelin'? CHOIR: Feelin' good as heck - CHOIR: Ooh, child - Tired of the bullcrap All right, all right.
Thank you, Bibs.
How 'bout them, huh? Come now, come dry your eyes You know you a star, you can touch the sky I know that it's hard, but you have to try If you need advice let me simplify You know, if you still have that letter of apology, I'll sign it.
That's unexpected.
Bibs, you got a pen? CHOIR: I do my hair toss, check my nails Baby, how you feelin'? Feelin' good as heck! Hair toss, check my nails, baby, how you feelin'? Feelin' good as heck! Look, I really appreciate you doing this for me.
Oh, I'm not doing it for you.
I'm doing it 'cause it's the right thing to do.
I'm doing it because this is the place I belong.
CHOIR: Boss up and change your life You can have it all, no sacrifice I know he did you wrong, we can make it right I got friends Sorry.
To be clear, I don't care why you're doing it, just that you are.
CHOIR: So walk your fine rear out the door What a [BLEEP.]
.
CHOIR: rear out the door Woo! And do your hair toss, check my nails Baby, how you feelin'? Feelin' good as heck! Hair toss, check my nails Baby how you feelin'? Feelin' good as heck! Hair toss, check my nails, baby, how you feelin'? Feelin' good as heck! Hair toss, check my nails, baby, how you feelin'? Feelin' good as heck! - Feelin' good as heck! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Baby, how you feelin'? Feelin' good as heck! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I am beat.
Me too.
I'm so tired, I've forgone the perfect opportunity to draw a penis on Junior's forehead.
No, I'll never be that tired.
Next time we do a Hymn-A-Thon can we not do it before I have a morning shift? - That's like your fifth cup.
- You got that right.
Why don't you just get an enema? You put it on the menu, I'll order it.
- [PHONE BUZZING.]
- I should take this.
Dang it, Brian, you better not be calling to take back your offer.
We had a verbal contract.
That's a thing idn't it? It is, and we have a firm no backsies policy.
Oh, kindergarten rules.
I respect that.
You've a tough negotiator.
In fact, I know this may sound crazy, but would you be interested in interviewing for assistant manager when you're in Lexington? [GASPS.]
Oh, yes.
I mean I definitely would love to interview.
I mean maybe, if it's convenient for me.
You're literally going to be staying here.
What's stopping you? I'm sorry, uh.
I have to think about it.
I'll see you next week.
Oh, that was just normal old hotel confirmation business.
You know, numbers, letters, J, Q, seven You all set here? Uh, actually, I want some more.
I finally took your advice and wiped up the gravy with my biscuit.
You sopped! - You're on the clock.
- Oh.
You know if you guys can live the rest of your lives in Conley Fork, so can I.
It is full of the best people that I know.
You guys gotta check out this masterpiece I just drew.
I call it the "Boner Lisa.
"
Here it comes.
"Wow, glad my wife is dead so she didn't have to hear that.
" Actually, I was about to say, "Wow, you have never sounded better.
" Which is still a low bar.
I'm sorry, I can't help myself.
So do you think we're ready for regionals? Absolutely, I think we have a shot at winning.
- [CHEERING.]
- There we go.
Speaking of regionals, I have good news: I spoke to the pastor at our sister church in Lexington, and she said we could sleep on their sanctuary floor.
- Are you serious? - I know, right?! It'll be like camping in God's tent.
No, sleeping in a drafty church the night before a performance would be terrible for your voices.
We can think of the draft as God blowing us a kiss.
I'm not sleeping on the floor.
What am I? A dog? - Or a Wayne? - None taken.
We don't have enough money for a hotel.
Normally, I would offer to pay, but I'm "Leveraged to the Max.
" Which, by the way, is the name of the expensive racehorse I invested all my money in.
What if we raised the money? I mean, we raise the roof all the time.
What-what? [LAUGHS.]
Or we could just have a bake sale.
- Or a car wash.
- Or we make up a guy, take out a credit card in his name, max it out, then write his obituary.
I'm thinking about calling him "Zachary P.
Whisperbone.
" No, we're musicians.
It needs to be music-related.
[GASPS.]
You said "we.
" [LAUGHS.]
You feel like you belong.
We are an "us.
" Calm down, it's just a pronoun.
It's not a promise ring.
Anyway I was reading this church choir blog about raising money through a Hymn-A-Thon.
People pledge money for us to sing.
[GASPS.]
- "Us.
" - Walk away.
"Church choir blog.
" Yeah, they have some really good ideas about choirs, and terrible ideas about everything else.
Dibs on anything Beyonce, Madonna, Lizzo.
It's Rizzo, and no, we're not doing anything from "Grease.
" Traditional choir music only.
A Hymn-A-Thon! I love it! All in favor sing "I!" - I - I CHOIR: I I! I just wanted to show off my range.
I think a Hymn-A-Thon is dumb as hell.
I'm so sorry to hear about Buster's passing.
21 is too young for a cat to die.
Our choir would love to sing a hymn in his honor for the low, low cost of $5.
For $10, we can make it really special.
- [SIGHS.]
- Can I help you? A friend of mine lives nearby, and I seem to have gotten a little bit lost.
Yeah, you don't look like you live this far from I-75.
What gave me away? The hat, the keen sense of intelligence that permeates every sentence, or the full set of teeth? Is that by chance your friend? The one man not in overalls? Yes.
Arthur! Tate! What are you doing here? [LAUGHS.]
Music conference in Nashville.
- Wow.
- I skipped out early just to see you.
Plus, it was all downhill after the keynote speaker.
- Were you the speaker? - I was.
My keynote was C-sharp.
It killed at the conference.
[LAUGHS.]
Ginny, this is Tate Tippet, who is also an idiosyncratic Princeton music professor who judges people harshly.
Oh, cool, I'm so excited for there to be two of you.
I wanna catch up, but if you'll excuse me, I left my car unlocked, and everyone in here looks like they could teach a master class in hot-wiring.
[LAUGHS.]
Better safe than sorry.
Aw, you have a friend.
Isn't that nice? He is the only person on the whole campus who had my back when I was unfairly dismissed.
Are we still calling that unfair? I mean, didn't you, like, throw a piece of furniture at a child? I gently tossed a chair that landed near a student.
It was student adjacent.
I don't mind if you talk back, but please use your diaphragm.
Also, don't talk back.
[COUNTRY MUSIC.]
I like this town for you.
Might even be a little jealous that you got away from the rat race.
Hey, Conly Fork has a rat race.
Thursdays by the big fork, although a small possum owned by a powerful family wins every time.
Wherever you go, you can't get away from politics.
There is the hardened cynic I fell in love with.
Ooh.
Oh shoot.
I have to head over to the church for an all-night sing-a-long.
[LAUGHS.]
- Aw, you're serious.
- Mmhmm.
Well, that's too bad.
I was hoping you'd come out and celebrate with me.
You're looking at the new chair of the music department.
What? [LAUGHS.]
Congratulations! Finally a visionary at the helm! Thanks, man.
That means a lot coming from the best professor to ever steal my lunch from the faculty fridge.
Hey, that baba ghanoush was for everyone.
We need to celebrate.
- We should be drinking.
- We are drinking.
What if I were to tell you I know of a place that has bourbon and clean glasses? - I would say, "hell yes.
" - Hell yeah.
I got us a great rate at a hotel in Lexington! And then I got us a good rate at a hotel in Lexington, Kentucky! [SQUEALS.]
So, all we gotta do is raise 1,000 bucks, and we will be all set.
Ooo, this'll help us keep track.
Fancy.
I think it's cute you think you know what fancy is.
I just hooked us up to our social media page so people can watch us sing.
Oh, no! My gram gram follows us, and she's a huge troll.
Hey, uh, change of plans.
Uh, I can help you guys get ready, but I gotta take my buddy out to celebrate his promotion.
Not to oversell, but everything in my life depends on this.
- Shoulders back.
- You're bailing on the Hymn-A-Thon? Tate has always been my biggest booster Lose the gum They promoted him to chair - So you wanna throw him? - Of the department.
Shut up.
So I'm gonna to take him out.
I'm gonna show him a good time, I'm gonna get my job back, and finally I can pull myself out of the muck.
Are we the muck? No, you're the the gross creatures who befriended me when I was in the muck, and I will never forget you.
Hit middle C.
You know where middle C is? Yeah? That's it, that's your anchor.
Stay close to that.
You guys are gonna be great.
- Appreciate it.
- Yeah, I got a note.
- You suck - You suck CHOIR: You suck I can't believe Arthur abandoned us.
Although, to be fair, it falls in line with every other terrible aspect of his personality.
Never trust a man with that many decorative scarves.
Who's he think he is? Johnny Depp? He can't out-scarf Depp.
No one can.
You can try, but Depp will just put on another scarf, and where does that leave you? I'll tell you.
One scarf behind Depp.
Okay, enough.
Ya'll! - We can do this! - Aw.
Remember when Arthur said "we"? I will lead us.
We got along fine before Arthur.
We can do it again.
So now, let's get out there, and let's sing like nobody's watching! - CHOIR: Yeah! - But hopefully they will be! - CHOIR: Yeah! - Can I get a what-what? - What? - What? That's the spirit! [LAUGHS.]
- Bibs, the usual.
- You have a usual? Amazing.
Make it two.
Okay, so four Winter Creek Bourbons, neat.
Comin' up.
Bibs, you're looking at the best instrumentalist in all of North America.
- Jazz Piano - Industrial bassoon Ska sitar.
So what's it gonna take to get this guy in the lineup tonight? Aw, I don't know.
It's cover band night.
I don't wanna bump Shammy Hagar.
Bibs, you gotta help me out here.
I need to butter this guy up.
He may have a job for me at Princeton, which means you will never have to listen to someone say, "could you please switch the TV to the opera channel," ever again.
Hey, Mr.
Sitar! You're up next.
- Hello world! - Hi.
We are the Second First Church Choir, and we welcome you to our all night Hymn-A-Thon.
- Hi.
- Ooh, look! A little heart is floating! Social media love is addictive.
[GASPS.]
But not as addictive as God's love.
[POPPING.]
Our first hymn is dedicated to Mrs.
Elliot's cat, Buster, who died doing what he loved: having diabetes.
CHOIR: All things bright and beautiful All creatures great and small All things wise and wonderful The lord God made them all [HEAVY METAL RIFF.]
- Woo! - [LAUGHS.]
I was pissed when I got bumped, but I'll be honest, this guy's good! Hey, I'm trying to give my buddy a good night.
If you ask for an encore, I'll buy your next beer.
What are we, like, the lamest house frat on campus? These pledges suck.
Come on, Conley Fork! Send us to regionals.
Come on! Please, please! [DING.]
"I will donate $5 if everyone stops speaking, and the big guy with the voice says my name.
" [DINGS.]
"Not him.
" Oh, rude.
Joanne.
[GASPS.]
Keep going.
- Come on.
- It's working.
- - [DINGS.]
Joanne.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All right! They loved you.
I haven't seen them that worked up since the "Suzanne Duran" reunion.
Fun crowd.
You should get up there.
If I killed it, you could at least wound it.
Tate, let's cut to the chase.
I know you came here with an agenda.
You do? Yeah, nobody comes to Kentucky voluntarily.
Not even LSU.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
Tate, yes, of course, I'd love to.
I forgive them.
Show me where to sign.
I don't care about the salary.
Oh, oh, oh, um you You think I'm here to offer you a job? I did until just now.
I don't know how to put this delicately [TENSE MUSIC.]
So I won't.
Your career is dead, and you're never gonna teach again at Princeton.
- Encore! - Ugh.
I know this is not great timing.
Shammy Hagar, do me a favor.
Plunge that pint glass into my skull.
Gotta give the people what they want.
Encore! I'm not buying you any more beer.
Withdrawn.
So you came all this way just to rub my face in my non-existent future? No, I came all this way to get you to sign a letter of apology, indemnifying the school from any legal action.
Apology? For what? You always said students were a bunch of snowflakes who needed to toughen up.
They do, but [SIGHS.]
times have changed.
We just gave a professor paid leave while we investigate her use of the term "flame retardant.
" I thought you had my back.
Actually, yeah, I did, but I'm an administrator now.
I gotta make an example of you.
I can't believe Tate Tippet sold me out for a paycheck.
In my defense, it's a really big paycheck.
[COUNTRY MUSIC.]
You seriously won't sign? I may be screwed, but so are you.
Hey, man, you see that guy at the bar who spent $300 on that stupid fedora? He just told me he thinks he could take you, easy.
Nobody takes Sqwatchy easy.
Yeah, you don't need that.
Oh, hallelujah Great is thy faithfulness Oh, God, my father - [SIGHS.]
- Thou changest not Thy compassions [LINE RINGING.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
This is Brian.
Hi, yes, I'm calling from the Second First Church.
- Hi, Jenny.
- Oh, you remembered! Well, you call more than Kevin, and he's obsessed with me.
Aw, he sounds nice.
Uh, quick question.
If we were to extend our stay to four nights, what rate would you be able to give us? I could knock another $10 off the nightly rate.
Okay, good, do that now cancel those two extra nights.
I'm so glad we could lock this rate in.
Say hi to Kevin for me! CHOIR: All unto Me - CHOIR: Ooh - [POPPING.]
Guys, great news.
I got the hotel to lower their rate again.
- Hell yeah.
- How's it going out here? Be doing a lot better if we maxed out Zach Whisperbone's Amex.
[PHONE DINGS.]
Oh, hey.
Kimberly said she'd give us $20 right now if, "the big guy says her name in a disapproving tone.
" When are you gonna learn it's never you? This is starting to weird me out.
I don't wanna kink shame, but these women are not making it easy.
Well, tough noogies.
From here on, there's no turning down any requests.
We are the Second First Choir, and we will do anything for money.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
- [GASPS.]
Oh, God, not that.
Dwayne, come on.
Get up here, you got this.
[BEATBOXING.]
Kimberly, Kimberly, Kimberly.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
You better than that.
$5 to eat a ghost pepper? Heck yeah.
Yeah! You got this! CHOIR: A mighty fortress is our God - Hey! - A mighty fortress is our God CHOIR: He's our God.
- A bulwark never failing - Another one, really? - Natalie DeWimple.
- CHOIR: He never fails Amid the floods CHOIR: That's going to build an ark - Of mortal ills prevailing - [POPPING.]
Gram gram, I know that's you, and that is rude.
His craft and power are great Linda Bellini, come on down.
You're the next contestant on "The Price is Right.
" - On earth is not his equal - [POPPING.]
I'm just saying, Brian, if you knock another $10 off the room rate, we could get the word out about your great establishment.
The Lexington Inn is the place to stay For business pleasure, or a fun getaway People say it's a little slice of heaven But don't sleep in, 'cause checkout's at 11:00 [DOOR CLOSES.]
I don't know all the hymns, but I'm pretty sure that's not one of them.
Arthur.
You came back.
People are just paying us to do weird crap now.
It's a career I never knew I wanted.
Even with all that we're still $348 short of our goal.
It's actually $353.
Yeah, my dad wouldn't pay once I threw up the ghost pepper.
It's the middle of the night.
Junior is asleep on the church floor, which is what we were trying to avoid in the first place.
Yeah, can we just call it quits? [ARGUING CHATTER.]
No, no, no, no, no.
We can't call it quits.
We came here to sing.
That's what we're gonna do.
I mean, is this the place we really wanna be right now? No, of course not, but if all of our other options have been taken away, yeah.
So I'm gonna conduct.
- And we're - [DINGS.]
gonna sing "If You're Happy and You Know It.
" [POPPING.]
[PLAYS KEY.]
CHOIR: If you're happy And you know it clap your hands [CRYING.]
Everybody! If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands CHOIR: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands [CRIES.]
If you're happy, and you know it! I can't see his face.
Is he happy? So, um, I'm guessing you didn't get the job? That job or any other apparently, and now the whole world knows.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
It's just Junior's extended family and a bunch of pervs.
- I'm sorry, Arthur.
- No! I thought I was so important that the rules didn't apply to me.
- It's hubris.
- Like Oedipus! It was a trivia question on my string cheese.
I deserved to get fired.
I'm a dick.
Well, the first step to healing is admitting it.
Unless you committed a crime, then it's deny, deny, deny.
And the fact you feel bad about it shows just how much you've grown.
I was kinda hoping someone was gonna object to the whole, "I'm a dick," thing.
I do, but only because I have more clever and specific insults.
Kimberly said she'll pay $10 to hear those insults.
I got you, girl.
Hey, guys, I know I said that we should do anything to get to regionals, but we don't turn on our friends when they need us the most.
Thank you.
And when you feel better, we should have some words, because you are a real dick.
Look, I can't un-toss the chair.
I can't un-abandon the Hymn-A-Thon, and the fact that that doesn't sound strange to me means I've been in Kentucky too long.
But what I can do, is I can help you raise this money.
Alas, our churchgoing audience is asleep.
Why did we do this from 7:00 PM to 7:00 AM instead of the other way around? Because I look good as hell in these pajamas.
They're not churchgoing people, but I do know a place where there is an audience that's awake.
I know you're probably thinking the prison, but they actually make you go to bed earlier than you think.
I do my hair toss, check my nails - Baby, how you feelin'? - CHOIR: Feelin' good as heck Hair toss, check my nails, baby, how you feelin'? CHOIR: Feelin' good as heck - CHOIR: Ooh, child - Tired of the bullcrap All right, all right.
Thank you, Bibs.
How 'bout them, huh? Come now, come dry your eyes You know you a star, you can touch the sky I know that it's hard, but you have to try If you need advice let me simplify You know, if you still have that letter of apology, I'll sign it.
That's unexpected.
Bibs, you got a pen? CHOIR: I do my hair toss, check my nails Baby, how you feelin'? Feelin' good as heck! Hair toss, check my nails, baby, how you feelin'? Feelin' good as heck! Look, I really appreciate you doing this for me.
Oh, I'm not doing it for you.
I'm doing it 'cause it's the right thing to do.
I'm doing it because this is the place I belong.
CHOIR: Boss up and change your life You can have it all, no sacrifice I know he did you wrong, we can make it right I got friends Sorry.
To be clear, I don't care why you're doing it, just that you are.
CHOIR: So walk your fine rear out the door What a [BLEEP.]
.
CHOIR: rear out the door Woo! And do your hair toss, check my nails Baby, how you feelin'? Feelin' good as heck! Hair toss, check my nails Baby how you feelin'? Feelin' good as heck! Hair toss, check my nails, baby, how you feelin'? Feelin' good as heck! Hair toss, check my nails, baby, how you feelin'? Feelin' good as heck! - Feelin' good as heck! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Baby, how you feelin'? Feelin' good as heck! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I am beat.
Me too.
I'm so tired, I've forgone the perfect opportunity to draw a penis on Junior's forehead.
No, I'll never be that tired.
Next time we do a Hymn-A-Thon can we not do it before I have a morning shift? - That's like your fifth cup.
- You got that right.
Why don't you just get an enema? You put it on the menu, I'll order it.
- [PHONE BUZZING.]
- I should take this.
Dang it, Brian, you better not be calling to take back your offer.
We had a verbal contract.
That's a thing idn't it? It is, and we have a firm no backsies policy.
Oh, kindergarten rules.
I respect that.
You've a tough negotiator.
In fact, I know this may sound crazy, but would you be interested in interviewing for assistant manager when you're in Lexington? [GASPS.]
Oh, yes.
I mean I definitely would love to interview.
I mean maybe, if it's convenient for me.
You're literally going to be staying here.
What's stopping you? I'm sorry, uh.
I have to think about it.
I'll see you next week.
Oh, that was just normal old hotel confirmation business.
You know, numbers, letters, J, Q, seven You all set here? Uh, actually, I want some more.
I finally took your advice and wiped up the gravy with my biscuit.
You sopped! - You're on the clock.
- Oh.
You know if you guys can live the rest of your lives in Conley Fork, so can I.
It is full of the best people that I know.
You guys gotta check out this masterpiece I just drew.
I call it the "Boner Lisa.
"