Rel (2018) s01e12 Episode Script
Cleveland
1 Okay, who want to try this new drink I created? Jake, what is that called? S Smoky alcohol? Smells like gasoline.
It got a little bit of that in it.
Dang, that was quick.
Yo, is that vision board party over already? No, Rel started roasting everybody and got us kicked out halfway through.
Okay, come on, now.
No, no, I wasn't roasting anybody.
I was just pointing out the obvious.
One girl had flat irons, kitchen knives and a foot massager on her vision board.
You shouldn't be able to create a vision with just a trip to the drug store.
Okay, someone give me a hint.
What-what is a vision board? You cut out pictures of things you aspire to, and then you glue them on a board to keep your mind focused on where you want your life to go.
Oh, so you got grown people taking pictures, cutting 'em out of a magazine, sticking it on cardboard, and hoping a miracle will happen.
That's called voodoo.
Look, one girl brought her vision board that she had from last year because none of her visions came true.
And look, everybody was sitting there like it wasn't sad.
That was weird to me.
That's what being a supportive friend is called.
You know how I act like your life ain't sad all the time? Whatever, whatever, whatever.
My board is simple.
- I got everything I want on mine.
- DAD: But Rel, this don't make no sense.
You already got them kids.
They just live in Cleveland.
That's what I told him.
See, you get how it work, Milt.
I most certainly do not.
(PHONE RINGS) Oh, yeah, let me take this call.
Wait.
So, Britt, like, what's on your board? Look, I divided mine into three areas career, dreams and love life.
For my career, I would love for my fashion line to go national.
Dreams: I dream about my fashion line going national.
And my love life I'd love my life if my fashion line went national.
(REL SIGHS) What's wrong with you? You good? Oh, that was Shannon.
Um she said Erica got suspended.
For what winning - too many spelling bees? - (CHUCKLES) - No.
Apparently, she made fun of a girl with a disability.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Hold it.
This-this Shannon calling back.
Let me take this outside.
Whoa, whoa.
Look, check this out.
Rel put a picture of his kids on the board, right? And now he outside talking to Shannon about his kids.
I'm getting chills.
Man, I don't believe in vision boards.
But I got a dream catcher that's filled almost entirely with nightmares.
That thing saved my ass countless times.
This how we do it in the Chi On the West Side Where we always keep it tippin' Man, that ain't no lie Man, I can't believe sweet, smart, quiet Erica would make fun of somebody with a disability.
I can.
I was bullied by a girl for seven years who seemed like she was "nice" in school.
- What was her name? - Brittany.
(CHUCKLES) (BRITTANY MIMICS HIM LAUGHING) - Ooh, look.
- What? - Ow! - Uh, look, guys, look.
Shannon Shannon says she don't know what got into her, you know, 'cause stuff like this I usually expect out of Terry.
You know, little boys they do crazy stuff.
I remember one time, he thought paste was ice cream, and he ate it, right? And we asked him what was wrong, but his mouth was glued shut so he couldn't tell us.
Erica is usually the one with some sense, man.
Something's got to be going on.
Look, I can tell you what's going on.
Look, no disrespect to Shannon.
She's the mother of my grandkids, and I love her, but the kids are missing their father.
I mean, I know you FaceTime, I know you call them, but it's not the same as being there, okay? (SIGHS) Yeah, you right.
You know something? I'm-I'm-a use my vacation days, I'm-a fly to Cleveland tomorrow 'cause my family needs me.
Oh, hell, no.
Uh-oh.
You got that look in your eyes.
- There's no look.
- There's definitely a look.
No, Brittany, it's not a look.
- I'm telling you, I see it.
- Look, stay out my damn eyes! Look, Rel, this is - your first trip to Cleveland, and you're already imagining your family back together again.
- Come on, Britt, you tweakin'.
- Naw.
You're gonna get there, and Shannon's gonna be Shannon.
Cool.
Hot.
The woman that you fell in love with, and you thought you would spend the rest of your life with.
Then you're gonna fall back into your old patterns, because you can't get that dream of having a perfect family out your head.
She does make a point, bro.
Shannon is kind of perfect.
Except the time when she slept with your barber, and Hey! Look, Rel, you're a family addict, and I just don't want to see you hurt again.
Please don't tell me you're staying at the house.
No, I'm staying at a hotel, okay? And-and look, guys, y'all getting carried away.
I'm only gonna be there for a couple days.
Good, 'cause I can't lose you to Cleveland.
You're my brother and my mentor and my best friend.
Nat, what you talking about? That's what you say at funeral.
The man ain't dead.
He's just going to Cleveland.
(SIGHS) Look, look, look, look, guys, look.
I'm a grown-ass man.
I don't need anybody's help.
I got this, all right? Now, which one of y'all want to take me the airport tomorrow? - Oh.
- My car got a flat.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - (EXHALING) Um, hey.
Hey.
Just - Yeah.
Uh, okay.
- (CHUCKLING) Kids, look who is here.
- Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
- BOTH: Daddy! (LAUGHING) Oh, God, I missed you guys so much.
- How are my babies doing? - I'm great.
But Erica is in big trouble, which is why I'm great! Okay, Terry, please go put on your pajamas.
Are you gonna sleep here, Daddy? I mean, look, I just came to say good Mom, please can he stay? Please, please can he stay? What did I say? Huh? Come on, put on your pajamas, babe.
Let's go.
Are you going to yell at me, too? Oh, he will as soon as you tell him what you did.
I told Lisa Maxwell to give me a high three.
Wait.
What's a high three? Lisa Maxwell only has three fingers.
Oh.
So, why-why did you say that? She was making fun of me first.
She called me "Stinky Butt.
" What? She started it? All right, look, well, you, you Why don't you go to bed, right, and we'll talk about this in the morning.
Come here.
I missed you.
Mmm.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Good night.
Mm-hmm, goodnight.
I'll be up in a minute.
- (SCOFFS) - So, um, well, why you ain't tell me about the three finger part? Oh, I kind of just wanted to see your face in person when you heard it.
(CHUCKLES) So worth it! I mean, I know it's wrong and everything, and you know.
I don't know who her parents is, but you got a kid with three fingers, you got to let them know, "Look, you can't be talking about people.
" (SHANNON LAUGHS) True, true.
I knew you would like that.
But listen, in all seriousness, come on.
Her being suspended is a really big deal.
We have to figure out how to handle this.
You know, we just got to let her know you can't go right after the three, you know what I mean? Or we can just teach her coping skills on how to deal with being teased.
Real simple.
I mean, I guess that's another option, you know.
All right, wait for it.
(SIGHS) Wait a minute.
- Hot cocoa? - (CHUCKLING) And you put the little marshmallows in there and everything.
You-you remember how I like it.
Hey, thank you.
You're welcome.
And, uh, I think it'll make Terry very, very happy if you stay here.
And I'm cool with that, you know, if that's what you want to do.
Well, I mean, if-if that's what, you know, if that's what Terry wants.
(CHUCKLING) (PHONE RINGING) Brittany, what are you doing? What Is everything all right? Yeah.
Why are you whispering? Uh, you know, 'cause I'm Hi, Aunt Brittany! (SCOFFS) Damn, Rel, I knew you was gonna end up sleeping at the house.
Look, look, the-the kids wanted me here, okay - Terry? - Yes, Aunt Brittany? If your dad sleeps anywhere but that floor, you call me, and I'm gonna send you $20.
- Okay.
- Okay.
We got to go.
Bye.
I'm watching you.
I don't know why, but I'm watching you.
Okay, just because you are suspended doesn't mean you got the day off.
Roasting class is in session.
- What's roasting? - Good question.
Roasting is how you verbally defend yourself, right? I'm gonna teach you to look like the good guy instead of the bad guy.
Mom said that I should be the bigger person, but this sounds more fun.
Now, look, here's the thing, though.
You can't go at the disabilities, or talk about something a person can't change.
You got to be more creative.
Like, I'll give you a perfect example, right? I remember when I was in school and this kid, you know, was-was calling me "four eyes.
" I was like, "Well, the only reason I got these glasses on is to block your bad breath from giving me pink eye.
" And the next thing you do, all you got to do is add an act-out to that, and you're good.
What's an act-out? Oh, an act-out is when you actually act out the joke you said, right? I'll give you a perfect example, right? This mean kid who used to pick on me had on some dirty Jordans one day.
And I was like, "Your-Your Jordans are so dirty, "Michael Jordan's not holding a basketball anymore.
He's holding a washcloth.
" And then I started doing like this.
And everybody started dying laughing.
(LAUGHING) And that's all you got to do, you know? As a matter of fact, let's-let's let's practice.
Look at this pillow.
Pretend this pillow is Lisa Maxwell.
That's right, that mean girl that talked about you.
And she said your butt stinks.
Go.
You only know my butt is stinky because you like to sniff butts.
Hmm.
(CHUCKLING) I mean, that is funny, but, uh, you're also admitting that your butt stinks.
So it's a win-loss situation.
How about this, Dad? Your shirt is so dirty, I almost gave you a quarter when I saw you this morning.
(CHUCKLING) All right, look, that's not bad, but, you know, you don't know this kid's financial situation.
20 years ago, you know, poverty wasn't off-limits.
You know, right now you got to factor in the socioeconomics, you know what I mean? Ew, what are you eating for lunch? It smells like bubbling hot garbage.
Well, your outfit is so weird that they cancelled picture day.
(CHUCKLING) Good job! Okay, look, you've been doing great today, but this is your last test.
Roast your dad.
Come on, hit me.
Your breath's so bad that your family moved all the way to Cleveland.
Damn, girl.
(CLEARS THROAT, SNIFFLES) Okay, I didn't know you was gonna go that low, uh, but it was good, you know, but but you're cold-blooded.
- (CHUCKLING) - Ooh, I got one.
Your daddy's head smells like doodie fish.
Ha! (CHUCKLING): What's a what's a "doodie fish," though? - (TERRY AND REL LAUGH) - REL: I like how you added the "ha" at the end, 'cause it made more emphasis to it.
- (CHUCKLING) - Wow, I haven't heard that much laughter in here in a while.
And I made you a plate.
Mom, I'm sorry I got suspended.
I know what I did was wrong.
Dad helped me see that.
SHANNON: Wow.
Okay, apology accepted.
Come here and give me a hug.
Mm! Come on, Terry, let's get our pajamas on so we can watch a family movie.
Oh! Oh! Hi, Mom.
Hi.
Okay, wait.
Laughter, dinner, family movie night and an apology from my daughter? - Look at you.
Well done.
- Yeah, you know, I taught her some coping skills, you know.
And, uh, guess what? I made the cocoa.
(REL CHUCKLES) Here you go.
Damn, Rel.
They seem really happy.
I have to admit, I was a little nervous about asking you to come here, but this is nice.
In fact mmm, smells good I am gonna go take off this suit, so that I'll be ready for family movie night.
Go and get comfortable.
(CHUCKLES) - Don't drink my cocoa.
- (LAUGHS): I won't.
Okay.
You're killing it, Rel.
You are the man.
(CHUCKLES) Aah, hot, hot, hot! All right, when you're making a vision board, you shouldn't think of objects you want.
Think of objects that represent where you want your life to go.
Do either of you envision a drink in your future? Because if not, I can see my future without you in the bar.
Look, yo, yo, this place is good luck.
This is exactly where Rel was when his kids called and his vision board came true.
- What's that, Nat? What'd you say? - I was Oh, you want a vodka soda and a beer? Coming right up.
Let's see what you got on yours, Nat.
It's hard to make sense of this.
Is that a briefcase and a woman twerking? Yeah.
'Cause, you know, I want a job, right? But I want a "good-ass" job.
You see what I'm saying? Feel me? Right there.
Look, you know this ain't a word game, right? Then why why ain't no pictures right there? Oh, see, that represents endless possibilities.
But it's it's nothing.
Yeah, but it could be anything, you see what I'm saying? You gotta open your mind, Britt.
Yo, Brittany, how's Rel doing in Cleveland? Did he get back with his ex and re-tear that ass up? No.
But last night, I did find out he was staying at the house.
Oh.
Don't worry.
Look, I got a picture of Rel's favorite deep dish spot on this vision board.
That'll make sure the universe don't let him move to Cleveland.
Might be too late for that.
I've been calling his ass all night, and he ain't answered.
(MOVIE MUSIC PLAYING) (PHONE VIBRATING) (VIBRATING STOPS) (LAUGHTER) I called you five times.
Why are you ducking me? Come on, now, you know I told you my phone was dead.
Rel, you're a terrible liar.
It rang every time.
Anyway, what time are you going to the airport? Well, here's the thing, you know, um, I'm-a stay an extra night.
- What? - I'm just saying, me being here has been beneficial for the kids, okay? - Everything's going great.
- Beneficial for the kids? Wait, are you whisking? Show me what you're doing.
Now.
You're making breakfast for dinner with your signature scrambled eggs.
And hold up, is that the Yup.
The Bobby Brown seasoning.
Because what I cook is my prerogative.
(CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) You brought that from home? You flew with seasoning? Who flies with seasoning? Look, Rel, I don't want you to backslide and get your feelings hurt.
I just want you to - (VIBRATING) - REL: Oh, well, gotta take this.
- Gotta go.
Bye.
- No, don't pause Hey.
Guess what I'm doing? (CHUCKLES) Wait, she got suspended again? Erica, would you mind telling your parents what happened, please? Well, I was doing my math lab, and Lisa Maxwell said that I was a baby, because I was counting on my fingers, and I said, "You need to put some lotion on your elbows, because they look like they've been dipped in cake batter.
" Dip, dip, dip.
Are these the coping skills you taught her? Yes, but honest, I didn't know she was gonna be so good at it.
And look, to tell you the truth, the other girl started it, You know what I mean? When did you start - suspending kids for being hilarious? - Okay, that's-that's not what we're doing.
I am sorry for what she did, and I am very sorry for what my husband did.
I'm sorry.
My my ex-husband.
Actually, he's not my ex-husband yet.
We're just separated, so I am sorry for what this guy did, but I have to agree with him: she should not be suspended.
Yeah, yeah, man.
I mean, that girl insulted her first.
First.
Well, she's not getting suspended for that.
In fact, I want to apologize to you both for not seeing that Erica was being bullied.
Uh, Mr.
Humphries, can you come in here, please? Uh, can you tell them what happened? Gladly! This little itty-bitty, tiny little girl had the audacity to insult me that was so tragic.
I mean, the words were insulting, and it had me petrified of what she said to me.
This little insidious attitude, this little bitty woman got is ridiculous! She's a little monster, that's what she is, okay? And what she said to me had all the kids all riled up.
It was almost a riot in my classroom! I couldn't hear myself think! Okay, Mr.
Humphries, what did she do? Now, I told myself I wouldn't repeat this.
But if I got to, I will! This little girl said to me, "Say it, don't spray it"! Okay.
Uh, Principal Thompson, I am sure that Erica is very sorry for what she did.
She should not have spoken to her teacher like that.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Humphries.
No, you're not! THOMPSON: I'm so sorry about that.
Some tissue for the spray? (SIGHS) (SCOFFS) All right, Rel, um, how about you tell me what you were thinking when you taught our daughter to be disrespectful and insult people? Well, first of all, I was teaching her to stand up for herself, instead of what you taught her - as doing nothing at all.
- I didn't teach her to do nothing.
I told her to be the bigger person.
Well, to me, the bigger person is the better roaster, okay? You're from Chicago.
You know how we get down.
Ugh! Rel, here we go.
This is not - a Chicago-Cleveland thing! - Well, maybe it is, okay? You know why it's a Chicago-Cleveland thing? Because I live in Chicago and my kids live in Cleveland.
Did you ever think that maybe she's acting out because I'm not around? I knew you would make this about you.
See, there you go with that again, like, always trying to call me selfish, you know what I mean? Look, you are the one who actually (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) You know something, what-what are we doing? I know.
Dang.
And these last couple of days, they've been really nice.
I actually thought maybe there was a chance, just maybe, that we could work out.
Here's the thing about it.
We can't make it about us no more, all right? It gotta just be about them.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
Come here, come here, come here, come here.
(REL SIGHS) Look, I know we're not we're not good at being husband and wife.
Matter of fact, we might be kind of terrible.
We got to make sure we're great co-parents for them.
You're right.
And I have to be completely honest.
The kids are having a hard time adjusting.
I knew it would be hard moving them from you but this job offer, it was just so good, and at the time, I just thought it was what was best for them.
Look, look, hey, hey, don't-don't you can't beat yourself up about this, okay? Agreed with you about bringing them here to Cleveland.
You know, because this is a huge opportunity for you, and you deserve that you've worked really hard to get where you at.
Look, Shannon (SIGHS) Look, what can I No, let me rephrase that.
What can we do to make this situation better? Look, look, I know you guys have been worried about me, but but Cleveland was, um Cleveland was amazing.
So, look, I got a surprise for you.
I brought back a couple of souvenirs.
- ERICA AND TERRY: Hey! - What? RY - What, what, what? - Aw - (LAUGHING) Oh, hey, hey, don't get me wrong, man, I love seeing my grandkids, but (QUIETLY): did you kidnap them? Dad, no, no.
- So, how long are they visiting for? - No, no, it's not a visit, all right? Look, me and Shannon worked out all our issues, and we had a long talk, and we felt that, like, you know, bringing them back to Chicago to finish the school year, it's just better for them you know, put them back in, - like, familiar settings, you know what I mean? - Yeah.
And, look, Shannon, this gives her time to, like, get settled into her job, and - Look, she's an amazing mom, honestly, and right now -Yeah.
We're just trying to be the best co-parents we can be.
Look, look l right, all right, We got the family all back together.
- How we gonna celebrate? - Breakfast for dinner.
(CHUCKLES) That's right, I'm making my famous scrambled eggs.
Eggs? Man, these kids been in Cleveland for six months, man.
Who wants deep dish? (WHOOPING, CHEERING) For real? I mean, you don't ask my permission or nothing? You're just gonna walk out with my kids? BRITTANY: Bye.
(CHUCKLES) Larry, you're not gonna believe what this little nasty little bitty boy did today.
He did one of the most disgusting crimes of all time.
This little boy is one of the nastiest little people I've ever met in my life, and I am sick of it! When I tell you what he did, you're gonna be Oh, my God, it's such a bacterial crime, you're gonna be so Oh! Here we go.
I'll tell you what he did this little boy went to the bathroom and didn't wash his hands.
And when I asked him, he admitted to it! He is disgusting.
Now, this is what I suggest we do.
We don't have to suspend him, but we should hand-sanitize his whole body.
That's right.
I want permission to strip him and dip him.
Absolutely not! Young man, go wash your hands and go back to class, please.
Thank you, sir.
You're a young king out here on these streets.
He's not a king, he's disgusting! Mr.
Humphries you can't keep trying to suspend every kid, or the board is gonna find out that you, in fact, hate children! Let me say this to you: you are a coward.
You are a coward! And guess what? I quit.
I don't need this mess.
I am done, Larry! That's right, Mr.
Humphries is done! I'm going back into show business.
That's right! I'm gonna call Patti LaBelle right now.
Patti! Patti! Patti?!
It got a little bit of that in it.
Dang, that was quick.
Yo, is that vision board party over already? No, Rel started roasting everybody and got us kicked out halfway through.
Okay, come on, now.
No, no, I wasn't roasting anybody.
I was just pointing out the obvious.
One girl had flat irons, kitchen knives and a foot massager on her vision board.
You shouldn't be able to create a vision with just a trip to the drug store.
Okay, someone give me a hint.
What-what is a vision board? You cut out pictures of things you aspire to, and then you glue them on a board to keep your mind focused on where you want your life to go.
Oh, so you got grown people taking pictures, cutting 'em out of a magazine, sticking it on cardboard, and hoping a miracle will happen.
That's called voodoo.
Look, one girl brought her vision board that she had from last year because none of her visions came true.
And look, everybody was sitting there like it wasn't sad.
That was weird to me.
That's what being a supportive friend is called.
You know how I act like your life ain't sad all the time? Whatever, whatever, whatever.
My board is simple.
- I got everything I want on mine.
- DAD: But Rel, this don't make no sense.
You already got them kids.
They just live in Cleveland.
That's what I told him.
See, you get how it work, Milt.
I most certainly do not.
(PHONE RINGS) Oh, yeah, let me take this call.
Wait.
So, Britt, like, what's on your board? Look, I divided mine into three areas career, dreams and love life.
For my career, I would love for my fashion line to go national.
Dreams: I dream about my fashion line going national.
And my love life I'd love my life if my fashion line went national.
(REL SIGHS) What's wrong with you? You good? Oh, that was Shannon.
Um she said Erica got suspended.
For what winning - too many spelling bees? - (CHUCKLES) - No.
Apparently, she made fun of a girl with a disability.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Hold it.
This-this Shannon calling back.
Let me take this outside.
Whoa, whoa.
Look, check this out.
Rel put a picture of his kids on the board, right? And now he outside talking to Shannon about his kids.
I'm getting chills.
Man, I don't believe in vision boards.
But I got a dream catcher that's filled almost entirely with nightmares.
That thing saved my ass countless times.
This how we do it in the Chi On the West Side Where we always keep it tippin' Man, that ain't no lie Man, I can't believe sweet, smart, quiet Erica would make fun of somebody with a disability.
I can.
I was bullied by a girl for seven years who seemed like she was "nice" in school.
- What was her name? - Brittany.
(CHUCKLES) (BRITTANY MIMICS HIM LAUGHING) - Ooh, look.
- What? - Ow! - Uh, look, guys, look.
Shannon Shannon says she don't know what got into her, you know, 'cause stuff like this I usually expect out of Terry.
You know, little boys they do crazy stuff.
I remember one time, he thought paste was ice cream, and he ate it, right? And we asked him what was wrong, but his mouth was glued shut so he couldn't tell us.
Erica is usually the one with some sense, man.
Something's got to be going on.
Look, I can tell you what's going on.
Look, no disrespect to Shannon.
She's the mother of my grandkids, and I love her, but the kids are missing their father.
I mean, I know you FaceTime, I know you call them, but it's not the same as being there, okay? (SIGHS) Yeah, you right.
You know something? I'm-I'm-a use my vacation days, I'm-a fly to Cleveland tomorrow 'cause my family needs me.
Oh, hell, no.
Uh-oh.
You got that look in your eyes.
- There's no look.
- There's definitely a look.
No, Brittany, it's not a look.
- I'm telling you, I see it.
- Look, stay out my damn eyes! Look, Rel, this is - your first trip to Cleveland, and you're already imagining your family back together again.
- Come on, Britt, you tweakin'.
- Naw.
You're gonna get there, and Shannon's gonna be Shannon.
Cool.
Hot.
The woman that you fell in love with, and you thought you would spend the rest of your life with.
Then you're gonna fall back into your old patterns, because you can't get that dream of having a perfect family out your head.
She does make a point, bro.
Shannon is kind of perfect.
Except the time when she slept with your barber, and Hey! Look, Rel, you're a family addict, and I just don't want to see you hurt again.
Please don't tell me you're staying at the house.
No, I'm staying at a hotel, okay? And-and look, guys, y'all getting carried away.
I'm only gonna be there for a couple days.
Good, 'cause I can't lose you to Cleveland.
You're my brother and my mentor and my best friend.
Nat, what you talking about? That's what you say at funeral.
The man ain't dead.
He's just going to Cleveland.
(SIGHS) Look, look, look, look, guys, look.
I'm a grown-ass man.
I don't need anybody's help.
I got this, all right? Now, which one of y'all want to take me the airport tomorrow? - Oh.
- My car got a flat.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - (EXHALING) Um, hey.
Hey.
Just - Yeah.
Uh, okay.
- (CHUCKLING) Kids, look who is here.
- Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
- BOTH: Daddy! (LAUGHING) Oh, God, I missed you guys so much.
- How are my babies doing? - I'm great.
But Erica is in big trouble, which is why I'm great! Okay, Terry, please go put on your pajamas.
Are you gonna sleep here, Daddy? I mean, look, I just came to say good Mom, please can he stay? Please, please can he stay? What did I say? Huh? Come on, put on your pajamas, babe.
Let's go.
Are you going to yell at me, too? Oh, he will as soon as you tell him what you did.
I told Lisa Maxwell to give me a high three.
Wait.
What's a high three? Lisa Maxwell only has three fingers.
Oh.
So, why-why did you say that? She was making fun of me first.
She called me "Stinky Butt.
" What? She started it? All right, look, well, you, you Why don't you go to bed, right, and we'll talk about this in the morning.
Come here.
I missed you.
Mmm.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Good night.
Mm-hmm, goodnight.
I'll be up in a minute.
- (SCOFFS) - So, um, well, why you ain't tell me about the three finger part? Oh, I kind of just wanted to see your face in person when you heard it.
(CHUCKLES) So worth it! I mean, I know it's wrong and everything, and you know.
I don't know who her parents is, but you got a kid with three fingers, you got to let them know, "Look, you can't be talking about people.
" (SHANNON LAUGHS) True, true.
I knew you would like that.
But listen, in all seriousness, come on.
Her being suspended is a really big deal.
We have to figure out how to handle this.
You know, we just got to let her know you can't go right after the three, you know what I mean? Or we can just teach her coping skills on how to deal with being teased.
Real simple.
I mean, I guess that's another option, you know.
All right, wait for it.
(SIGHS) Wait a minute.
- Hot cocoa? - (CHUCKLING) And you put the little marshmallows in there and everything.
You-you remember how I like it.
Hey, thank you.
You're welcome.
And, uh, I think it'll make Terry very, very happy if you stay here.
And I'm cool with that, you know, if that's what you want to do.
Well, I mean, if-if that's what, you know, if that's what Terry wants.
(CHUCKLING) (PHONE RINGING) Brittany, what are you doing? What Is everything all right? Yeah.
Why are you whispering? Uh, you know, 'cause I'm Hi, Aunt Brittany! (SCOFFS) Damn, Rel, I knew you was gonna end up sleeping at the house.
Look, look, the-the kids wanted me here, okay - Terry? - Yes, Aunt Brittany? If your dad sleeps anywhere but that floor, you call me, and I'm gonna send you $20.
- Okay.
- Okay.
We got to go.
Bye.
I'm watching you.
I don't know why, but I'm watching you.
Okay, just because you are suspended doesn't mean you got the day off.
Roasting class is in session.
- What's roasting? - Good question.
Roasting is how you verbally defend yourself, right? I'm gonna teach you to look like the good guy instead of the bad guy.
Mom said that I should be the bigger person, but this sounds more fun.
Now, look, here's the thing, though.
You can't go at the disabilities, or talk about something a person can't change.
You got to be more creative.
Like, I'll give you a perfect example, right? I remember when I was in school and this kid, you know, was-was calling me "four eyes.
" I was like, "Well, the only reason I got these glasses on is to block your bad breath from giving me pink eye.
" And the next thing you do, all you got to do is add an act-out to that, and you're good.
What's an act-out? Oh, an act-out is when you actually act out the joke you said, right? I'll give you a perfect example, right? This mean kid who used to pick on me had on some dirty Jordans one day.
And I was like, "Your-Your Jordans are so dirty, "Michael Jordan's not holding a basketball anymore.
He's holding a washcloth.
" And then I started doing like this.
And everybody started dying laughing.
(LAUGHING) And that's all you got to do, you know? As a matter of fact, let's-let's let's practice.
Look at this pillow.
Pretend this pillow is Lisa Maxwell.
That's right, that mean girl that talked about you.
And she said your butt stinks.
Go.
You only know my butt is stinky because you like to sniff butts.
Hmm.
(CHUCKLING) I mean, that is funny, but, uh, you're also admitting that your butt stinks.
So it's a win-loss situation.
How about this, Dad? Your shirt is so dirty, I almost gave you a quarter when I saw you this morning.
(CHUCKLING) All right, look, that's not bad, but, you know, you don't know this kid's financial situation.
20 years ago, you know, poverty wasn't off-limits.
You know, right now you got to factor in the socioeconomics, you know what I mean? Ew, what are you eating for lunch? It smells like bubbling hot garbage.
Well, your outfit is so weird that they cancelled picture day.
(CHUCKLING) Good job! Okay, look, you've been doing great today, but this is your last test.
Roast your dad.
Come on, hit me.
Your breath's so bad that your family moved all the way to Cleveland.
Damn, girl.
(CLEARS THROAT, SNIFFLES) Okay, I didn't know you was gonna go that low, uh, but it was good, you know, but but you're cold-blooded.
- (CHUCKLING) - Ooh, I got one.
Your daddy's head smells like doodie fish.
Ha! (CHUCKLING): What's a what's a "doodie fish," though? - (TERRY AND REL LAUGH) - REL: I like how you added the "ha" at the end, 'cause it made more emphasis to it.
- (CHUCKLING) - Wow, I haven't heard that much laughter in here in a while.
And I made you a plate.
Mom, I'm sorry I got suspended.
I know what I did was wrong.
Dad helped me see that.
SHANNON: Wow.
Okay, apology accepted.
Come here and give me a hug.
Mm! Come on, Terry, let's get our pajamas on so we can watch a family movie.
Oh! Oh! Hi, Mom.
Hi.
Okay, wait.
Laughter, dinner, family movie night and an apology from my daughter? - Look at you.
Well done.
- Yeah, you know, I taught her some coping skills, you know.
And, uh, guess what? I made the cocoa.
(REL CHUCKLES) Here you go.
Damn, Rel.
They seem really happy.
I have to admit, I was a little nervous about asking you to come here, but this is nice.
In fact mmm, smells good I am gonna go take off this suit, so that I'll be ready for family movie night.
Go and get comfortable.
(CHUCKLES) - Don't drink my cocoa.
- (LAUGHS): I won't.
Okay.
You're killing it, Rel.
You are the man.
(CHUCKLES) Aah, hot, hot, hot! All right, when you're making a vision board, you shouldn't think of objects you want.
Think of objects that represent where you want your life to go.
Do either of you envision a drink in your future? Because if not, I can see my future without you in the bar.
Look, yo, yo, this place is good luck.
This is exactly where Rel was when his kids called and his vision board came true.
- What's that, Nat? What'd you say? - I was Oh, you want a vodka soda and a beer? Coming right up.
Let's see what you got on yours, Nat.
It's hard to make sense of this.
Is that a briefcase and a woman twerking? Yeah.
'Cause, you know, I want a job, right? But I want a "good-ass" job.
You see what I'm saying? Feel me? Right there.
Look, you know this ain't a word game, right? Then why why ain't no pictures right there? Oh, see, that represents endless possibilities.
But it's it's nothing.
Yeah, but it could be anything, you see what I'm saying? You gotta open your mind, Britt.
Yo, Brittany, how's Rel doing in Cleveland? Did he get back with his ex and re-tear that ass up? No.
But last night, I did find out he was staying at the house.
Oh.
Don't worry.
Look, I got a picture of Rel's favorite deep dish spot on this vision board.
That'll make sure the universe don't let him move to Cleveland.
Might be too late for that.
I've been calling his ass all night, and he ain't answered.
(MOVIE MUSIC PLAYING) (PHONE VIBRATING) (VIBRATING STOPS) (LAUGHTER) I called you five times.
Why are you ducking me? Come on, now, you know I told you my phone was dead.
Rel, you're a terrible liar.
It rang every time.
Anyway, what time are you going to the airport? Well, here's the thing, you know, um, I'm-a stay an extra night.
- What? - I'm just saying, me being here has been beneficial for the kids, okay? - Everything's going great.
- Beneficial for the kids? Wait, are you whisking? Show me what you're doing.
Now.
You're making breakfast for dinner with your signature scrambled eggs.
And hold up, is that the Yup.
The Bobby Brown seasoning.
Because what I cook is my prerogative.
(CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) You brought that from home? You flew with seasoning? Who flies with seasoning? Look, Rel, I don't want you to backslide and get your feelings hurt.
I just want you to - (VIBRATING) - REL: Oh, well, gotta take this.
- Gotta go.
Bye.
- No, don't pause Hey.
Guess what I'm doing? (CHUCKLES) Wait, she got suspended again? Erica, would you mind telling your parents what happened, please? Well, I was doing my math lab, and Lisa Maxwell said that I was a baby, because I was counting on my fingers, and I said, "You need to put some lotion on your elbows, because they look like they've been dipped in cake batter.
" Dip, dip, dip.
Are these the coping skills you taught her? Yes, but honest, I didn't know she was gonna be so good at it.
And look, to tell you the truth, the other girl started it, You know what I mean? When did you start - suspending kids for being hilarious? - Okay, that's-that's not what we're doing.
I am sorry for what she did, and I am very sorry for what my husband did.
I'm sorry.
My my ex-husband.
Actually, he's not my ex-husband yet.
We're just separated, so I am sorry for what this guy did, but I have to agree with him: she should not be suspended.
Yeah, yeah, man.
I mean, that girl insulted her first.
First.
Well, she's not getting suspended for that.
In fact, I want to apologize to you both for not seeing that Erica was being bullied.
Uh, Mr.
Humphries, can you come in here, please? Uh, can you tell them what happened? Gladly! This little itty-bitty, tiny little girl had the audacity to insult me that was so tragic.
I mean, the words were insulting, and it had me petrified of what she said to me.
This little insidious attitude, this little bitty woman got is ridiculous! She's a little monster, that's what she is, okay? And what she said to me had all the kids all riled up.
It was almost a riot in my classroom! I couldn't hear myself think! Okay, Mr.
Humphries, what did she do? Now, I told myself I wouldn't repeat this.
But if I got to, I will! This little girl said to me, "Say it, don't spray it"! Okay.
Uh, Principal Thompson, I am sure that Erica is very sorry for what she did.
She should not have spoken to her teacher like that.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Humphries.
No, you're not! THOMPSON: I'm so sorry about that.
Some tissue for the spray? (SIGHS) (SCOFFS) All right, Rel, um, how about you tell me what you were thinking when you taught our daughter to be disrespectful and insult people? Well, first of all, I was teaching her to stand up for herself, instead of what you taught her - as doing nothing at all.
- I didn't teach her to do nothing.
I told her to be the bigger person.
Well, to me, the bigger person is the better roaster, okay? You're from Chicago.
You know how we get down.
Ugh! Rel, here we go.
This is not - a Chicago-Cleveland thing! - Well, maybe it is, okay? You know why it's a Chicago-Cleveland thing? Because I live in Chicago and my kids live in Cleveland.
Did you ever think that maybe she's acting out because I'm not around? I knew you would make this about you.
See, there you go with that again, like, always trying to call me selfish, you know what I mean? Look, you are the one who actually (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) You know something, what-what are we doing? I know.
Dang.
And these last couple of days, they've been really nice.
I actually thought maybe there was a chance, just maybe, that we could work out.
Here's the thing about it.
We can't make it about us no more, all right? It gotta just be about them.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
Come here, come here, come here, come here.
(REL SIGHS) Look, I know we're not we're not good at being husband and wife.
Matter of fact, we might be kind of terrible.
We got to make sure we're great co-parents for them.
You're right.
And I have to be completely honest.
The kids are having a hard time adjusting.
I knew it would be hard moving them from you but this job offer, it was just so good, and at the time, I just thought it was what was best for them.
Look, look, hey, hey, don't-don't you can't beat yourself up about this, okay? Agreed with you about bringing them here to Cleveland.
You know, because this is a huge opportunity for you, and you deserve that you've worked really hard to get where you at.
Look, Shannon (SIGHS) Look, what can I No, let me rephrase that.
What can we do to make this situation better? Look, look, I know you guys have been worried about me, but but Cleveland was, um Cleveland was amazing.
So, look, I got a surprise for you.
I brought back a couple of souvenirs.
- ERICA AND TERRY: Hey! - What? RY - What, what, what? - Aw - (LAUGHING) Oh, hey, hey, don't get me wrong, man, I love seeing my grandkids, but (QUIETLY): did you kidnap them? Dad, no, no.
- So, how long are they visiting for? - No, no, it's not a visit, all right? Look, me and Shannon worked out all our issues, and we had a long talk, and we felt that, like, you know, bringing them back to Chicago to finish the school year, it's just better for them you know, put them back in, - like, familiar settings, you know what I mean? - Yeah.
And, look, Shannon, this gives her time to, like, get settled into her job, and - Look, she's an amazing mom, honestly, and right now -Yeah.
We're just trying to be the best co-parents we can be.
Look, look l right, all right, We got the family all back together.
- How we gonna celebrate? - Breakfast for dinner.
(CHUCKLES) That's right, I'm making my famous scrambled eggs.
Eggs? Man, these kids been in Cleveland for six months, man.
Who wants deep dish? (WHOOPING, CHEERING) For real? I mean, you don't ask my permission or nothing? You're just gonna walk out with my kids? BRITTANY: Bye.
(CHUCKLES) Larry, you're not gonna believe what this little nasty little bitty boy did today.
He did one of the most disgusting crimes of all time.
This little boy is one of the nastiest little people I've ever met in my life, and I am sick of it! When I tell you what he did, you're gonna be Oh, my God, it's such a bacterial crime, you're gonna be so Oh! Here we go.
I'll tell you what he did this little boy went to the bathroom and didn't wash his hands.
And when I asked him, he admitted to it! He is disgusting.
Now, this is what I suggest we do.
We don't have to suspend him, but we should hand-sanitize his whole body.
That's right.
I want permission to strip him and dip him.
Absolutely not! Young man, go wash your hands and go back to class, please.
Thank you, sir.
You're a young king out here on these streets.
He's not a king, he's disgusting! Mr.
Humphries you can't keep trying to suspend every kid, or the board is gonna find out that you, in fact, hate children! Let me say this to you: you are a coward.
You are a coward! And guess what? I quit.
I don't need this mess.
I am done, Larry! That's right, Mr.
Humphries is done! I'm going back into show business.
That's right! I'm gonna call Patti LaBelle right now.
Patti! Patti! Patti?!