Reno 911! (2003) s01e12 Episode Script
Terrorist Training (1)
Get on the ground! Get on the ground now! [ Bleep .]
Sheriff's department! Get down! Get down now! God damn it! I don't see him! Those guys can run.
How you doin'? Give me that camera.
Give me that camera.
[ Siren wailing .]
[ Tires squeal .]
Oh-ho! Ohh-h-h! Aah! Aah! Aah! Hey, dog.
Yeah.
Ho! Ho! Ho! [ Siren wailing .]
Break up a fight With those ugly twins.
Did somebody send me this? They spelled "sheriff" wrong On this letter, And it has No return address.
Bunch of crap in it.
What is that? I don't know.
Some kind of free detergent Sample? Don't put it in your mouth If it's detergent.
It does taste a little bit Detergenty.
But usually they say -- "Here's a coupon.
" Is there a coupon with it? Well, maybe.
Bathroom caulking.
It is bathroom caulk.
It says, "praise allah!" Oh, man.
[ Bleep .]
Praise allah.
Good morning! We are from the department Of homeland security.
My name is captain Duane hernandez.
This is my assistant, Lieutenant susie kim.
This white powder That you have all been stuffing Into your orifices Like so much confectionery Is, in fact, anthrax.
[ Gasps .]
Oh, my god! What the hell? [ Coughing .]
Thanks for telling us now! It symbolizes -- It symbolizes anthrax.
It could have been anthrax Is the point.
Do you know What i would like? I would like tickets For the show.
What is it, barbra streisand -- Her final tour -- Maybe neil diamond? I want tickets for the show, The show that's up your asses, Because that's where your heads Are, up your asses! You must be doing a fantastic Show up your own asses! Take your heads Out of your asses! Lieutenant and i will show you How to deal with terrorism, With biological and chemical Attacks.
In one week, you will be given An exam on homeland security, And you will all pass.
The lieutenant and i Are here to help you.
Nothing to be afraid of Except terrorism and biological And chemical weapons.
We will see you shortly.
Have a nice day.
Ten-hut.
As you were.
Oh, man, we are screwed.
That's An important question -- "Do i feel like reno is prepared For a terrorist attack?" No.
No, my answer was gonna be, "What kind?" But then my response, No matter what you said, Was gonna be no, so i really Don't think so.
I don't think terrorism's Gonna come to reno.
I don't think there's Anything here they want.
No, especially During the winter Because we got snow, and they'd Have to put chains on.
Putting snow chains On your camel -- They don't know How to do that.
Did anyone notice the garbage Can we just passed About 30 meters behind us? No.
There was a garbage can? It's not garbage day, Is it? No, it's -- You should have Noted that.
It's not tuesday.
Remember, gentlemen -- Eyes and ears peeled At all times.
Just make it A part of your -- Your everydayBeing.
But, if i can ask you, Mr.
Hernandez -- Of course.
Captain -- There are No stupid questions.
Uh, are we In charge of trash? That truck's pretty Suspicious looking.
"United we stand.
" Don't fool nobody with that Bumper sticker.
See, i feel like some of these People are trying too hard.
I feel like when the truck Of anthrax comes, It's gonna have a "united We stand" bumper sticker And a "bush/cheney" On the back.
And a toby keith damn tape Playing.
Exactly right, and it's gonna Be the trojan horse -- Except it's not gonna be A horse.
It's probably gonna be an f-150 Or something.
Of a suspicious person.
Yeah, here we go.
Sheriff's department! [ Knocks on door .]
This is the right address.
Sheriff's department! Hey, hey, hey, wait, wait.
This is one of the tests.
This is gonna be a test.
Suspicious person.
Right.
It's gonna be, uh, Some sort of bomb or a gas.
There's smoke coming out from Underneath this, uh, kid pool.
See it? Right over there.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Right there! Right there! Right there! What you doin' down there? Just hangin' out.
Just hangin' out Under the kid pool, huh? Why you got Your boot off, sir? Why you got your boot off? I didn't do [bleep.]
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Jesus christ! No, no, no, no, no! Freeze! Freeze! Put the boot down.
Put the boot down.
I'm gonna shoot your boot if you Do not put it down right now.
Don't shoot the boot, man! All right.
Oh [bleep.]
get down! I'm pointing a gun at you.
Sir, you got, in the house, Do you have any serin gas Or anthrax? I got a carton of smokes.
What do you guys want to stop [Bleep.]
me up? There's nothing in my boot.
It's just a regular boot.
Powder -- there's powder In the boot.
There's powder in the boot? That could be gold bond Or johnson's -- That's dr.
Scholl's powder Because i got a thing.
Don't taste it.
I wouldn't taste the Dr.
Scholl's powder, man.
It's dr.
Scholl's powder.
You're at the park With your family.
No biggie.
Having a picnic.
Your little girl Is playing hopscotch.
Your little boy comes back With a frankfurter.
He looks at you and says, "Daddy, why is the hot-dog man Wearing a turban?" Too late.
Boom! Explosion.
You get up, You look at your hands.
They're covered With green slime.
What do you do? Hazmat chemical shower.
Ridiculously simple to use.
Lieutenant and i Will show you how.
Volunteer! Wiegel? The first thing you must do Is disrobe.
[ Gasps .]
Into the shower! Commence hose-down.
This is a granule emollient Solution.
Gently.
Good.
Good.
It's a very gentle, Soft process.
The earlobes.
Especially the earlobes.
They are very sensitive To biological and chemical Solutions.
Scrubbing a downward motion.
Sometimes it takes more Than one washing Let the chemicals wash down Away from the vital organs.
Focus, people.
This is about fighting The terrorists.
This is america.
We are free.
This is the face of freedom! This is the face of freedom! Johnson: i have to be next.
I have to be next.
There is a man.
He is, perhaps, turkish.
He is attacking you.
Mm-hmm.
In his left hand, he holds A switchblade.
In his right hand, he's holding A plastic comb.
You have one bullet In your revolver, And you do not want To kill him.
Where do you shoot? Right in the nuts.
Maybe you should do The talking.
Yeah, i'll do the talking.
Ho! Ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Hey, hey.
Oh, hell no.
Oh, gary, lyle.
What's going on? How you doin', jimmy-jam? I'm doin' all right.
What's up tonight, fellas? We're just having ourselves An expression of free speech.
Well, you know what? You can't do that, And you know that.
Okay, but last time, It was a cornfield.
This is now my yard.
This is my property.
Well, i respect that, But we can't have this kind Of public display going on.
You're lighting a damn cross In your own yard? Oh, see, That's not a cross.
That's a "t" for tolerance.
It's a "t" for truth.
It's a "t" For turning the corner.
Fire it up.
No! Ho! Ho! No, you are not lighting That up.
Don't light that up! I'm losing my tolerance Right now.
Flame on.
Here we go.
Do not flame on.
Do not [bleep.]
light that thing, All right? I'm getting a lot of hostility Off of you.
All right, well -- That's a "t" for team because I understand it now.
Now we're all on a team.
You're my teammate.
Hey, hey, you know what? D-t-a-m-f-s -- Don't take another [Bleep.]
step, And don't you light that [Bleep.]
cross, all right? You see? No, no.
Give us a hug.
No, no, no.
Flame on! Do not flame on.
No! Oh! Oh [bleep.]
Son of a bitch.
Oh, [bleep.]
[bleep.]
Somebody should get a hose.
You know, He's accident prone.
This is not A complete surprise.
Well, lieutenant here Has studied at cambridge, Oxford, the university of seoul.
Am i missing anything? The university of new delhi.
I'm sorry.
You have that master's degree There, also.
She breeds koi fish, She's a kickboxing champion In her weight division.
And the class above.
And the class above.
As for myself, i studied at the Bloomfield community college Through affirmative action.
There are five dwarfs.
One of them speaks french.
Okay.
One speaks portuguese.
The others are mute.
You have only one bullet.
Which one do you shoot? Tick tock, tick tock.
Which one do you shoot? [ Sighs .]
UmThe black one.
I never said There was a black one.
But you are correct.
I am? Yes, you are thinking Outside the box.
I am? Excellent.
Yes.
[ Sighs .]
You know, no one has ever, Ever made me feel smart Like you.
You've got to be kidding me.
No.
I mean, they treat me Like i'm some kind of Retarded monkey.
What i'm trying to tell you, My flower, Is to let yourself bloom.
Can you feel my hand Touching your face? I can feel.
I can feel it.
Okay? Okay.
That is energy.
Yeah.
That is love coming to you From the universe, Telling you, "hey, woman.
Hey, lady.
"Maybe unbutton The top of your shirt.
Is that going To hurt anybody?" No.
No.
"Maybe look a little bit hot.
Is that going to hurt anybody?" No.
And by helping yourself, You're helping your country.
By helping your country, You are defeating those dirty, Dirty, dirty, bad bastards Who want to defeat us.
So bloom.
Bloom, damn you, bloom.
Bloom, damn you, bloom.
[ Humming .]
Captain duane hernandez Is like -- [ Sighs .]
He's not just An amazing captain.
Duane has -- duane has shown me That i can be The trudy wiegel that no one Ever knew that i could be.
UmI -- My voice has dropped, My shoulders have opened, My scoliosis, i feel like, Has almost completely Corrected itself, I'm no longer Lactose intolerant.
It's amazing.
Je ne sais quoi.
[ Chuckles .]
Je ne sais quoi.
Oh, my lord.
Hey, y'all need to arrest That man right there.
You need to arrest that man Right there.
He was trespassing On my property.
I hit him tonight, last night, I hit him the night before.
'Cause he come right across My property line.
Where's your property line? I don't see it.
Right there.
I got it marked off.
I got two cigarette butts There.
It extends out this way, It comes back this way.
I'm sitting there last night, All right? I'm getting a little high, And i said, "jackass, "Why don't you come over And keep me company? I got enough doobies For the both of us.
" So he comes over.
The next thing i know He's out like a light.
So y'all are doing drugs In there? You have possession Of drugs here? I don't have anything In there now 'Cause that jackass smoked Everything i had.
So you were smoking Marijuana cigarettes? I was smoking, We were drinking, We had some pills in there.
Y'all are missing the point.
Well, give us the point.
I'll show you the point Right here.
This right here Is the point.
That's the point.
That's not a point, That's a line.
Hold on one second.
She's doing all these things That obviously is illegal.
We can't take her in Because We don't see anything.
We gotta get a situation Here where we can, uh Okay, cool.
Okay, ma'am, so you're saying That this is your property.
This right here -- that right There is my property line.
But when he comes -- Ho! Hey, hey, hey! I swear to god, I'll knock you out.
There you go.
You did it.
You wait till i come back! Watch your head, ma'am.
That jackass is gonna get His nuts bit off.
You're gonna get your nuts bit Off when i get back, So get ready! Get ready for that! Get ready for some nut-bitin' Because that's What you're gonna get! Call the doctor.
Get that looked at, okay? And just don't cross the line, Sir, okay? Don't cross that line, Jackass! You'll get your nuts bit.
What do you do To work out? 'Cause, my god, you're, uh, You're really, uhFit.
So every morning, about Two hours before sunrise, I strip down naked, I go out to the ocean, And i swim two miles.
Usually -- it's weird.
Usually when i see A fun outfit like that, i I think How it would look on me, And i don't feel that With you at all.
I don't find myself looking And saying, "Oh, wouldn't it be fun to wear What susie's wearing?" I didn't mean to touch Your hair like that.
God, you're hot.
Where is that coming from? I don't know what the hell is Wrong with me today.
I'm sorry.
I didn't just say, "God, you're hot.
" I'm just all mixed up today, Susie.
Did you have something Funny to eat? No, no, It's not my stomach.
It's lower than that.
I see.
Is it a hernia or I'll be all right.
Now, now, now, look -- I ordered this escort About 35 minutes ago.
[ Knock on door .]
Oh, all right.
Here she is.
Thank you.
You have a good night.
Yeah, come on in.
How you doin'? It's open.
Mm-hmm.
Well, well, how you doin'? I'm good.
How are you? I'm not bad.
I ain't bad.
Look at you.
Look at me.
Yeah, now, in this picture, You look about 30 years younger Than you are right now.
This is an old picture, Isn't it? Mom! Oh, baby.
Uh, uh What the hell, mom? I just Honey I That's clementine's mother, Beulah.
This is not the first time This has happened, actually.
[ Sighs .]
Hey, beulah.
She makes A fabulous apricot pie.
Am i surprised of the level Of preparedness At the department of reno? I'm surprised at the lack of Preparedness that they have.
And if i were surprised, I would have to probably hide My surpriseness from you Because it's my job not to be Surprised by anything.
Even two years ago -- You were there -- They had a surprise birthday Party for me.
"Surprise!" And i was surprised inside, But i couldn't react.
And it's sad sometimes Because people -- They went To a lot of trouble.
My parents came, and they hid, And "surprise!" And still, I cannot show surpriseness Because that's not what We get paid for.
You gotta admit, Susie kim's kind of hot.
I'm gonna tell you like My grandmama told me -- Don't nothing like bones But a dog, huh? All i'm saying is The girl is bony, And i won't play No word games, Like i say, "oh, she's bony, She's a bone.
Oh, now you want to bone her.
" That's not funny to me.
That is not funny.
That's stupid.
That's stupid.
You don't even like -- You don't even like Shrimp fried rice.
What does "d.
D.
E.
O.
D.
" Stand for? D.
D.
E.
O.
D.
? DarkDudeEating Oriental delights? No.
Well, you know, i'm thinking That you and i Could make, like, a tiger.
Yeah, a "blasian.
" Tiger woods.
[ Growls .]
I love you.
You are not getting none.
That is not working.
[ Both coughing .]
Go! Go, go, go, go.
God damn! What do we got here, Ladies? Damn, girl, Thank youyou look good! We got a situation here.
We've been smelling this noxious Fume all day that you can smell, And got a lot of people Feeling sick.
I think what we got Is bioterrorism.
We all in the same ball park On bioterrorism? Evacuate your people Calmly and slowly.
Take your people out Calmly and slowly.
I need a visual check on the Perimeter and all the quadrants.
Here's what we need to do -- We gotta get a sniper Up on the roof.
We need a helicopter With a searchlight.
We're gonna need The hazmat team stat.
Call washington.
Wiegel: oh, my god! I trained in Survival and evasion In indonesia, with A native village With a tribe, A lifetime ago.
And i was symbolically Circumcised And the village elders Took vines from a mango tree And strapped biscuits To my thing.
And then, i had to do A ritual for manhood spirit.
Have you ever Run 55 kilometers With a hard biscuit strapped To your thing?
Sheriff's department! Get down! Get down now! God damn it! I don't see him! Those guys can run.
How you doin'? Give me that camera.
Give me that camera.
[ Siren wailing .]
[ Tires squeal .]
Oh-ho! Ohh-h-h! Aah! Aah! Aah! Hey, dog.
Yeah.
Ho! Ho! Ho! [ Siren wailing .]
Break up a fight With those ugly twins.
Did somebody send me this? They spelled "sheriff" wrong On this letter, And it has No return address.
Bunch of crap in it.
What is that? I don't know.
Some kind of free detergent Sample? Don't put it in your mouth If it's detergent.
It does taste a little bit Detergenty.
But usually they say -- "Here's a coupon.
" Is there a coupon with it? Well, maybe.
Bathroom caulking.
It is bathroom caulk.
It says, "praise allah!" Oh, man.
[ Bleep .]
Praise allah.
Good morning! We are from the department Of homeland security.
My name is captain Duane hernandez.
This is my assistant, Lieutenant susie kim.
This white powder That you have all been stuffing Into your orifices Like so much confectionery Is, in fact, anthrax.
[ Gasps .]
Oh, my god! What the hell? [ Coughing .]
Thanks for telling us now! It symbolizes -- It symbolizes anthrax.
It could have been anthrax Is the point.
Do you know What i would like? I would like tickets For the show.
What is it, barbra streisand -- Her final tour -- Maybe neil diamond? I want tickets for the show, The show that's up your asses, Because that's where your heads Are, up your asses! You must be doing a fantastic Show up your own asses! Take your heads Out of your asses! Lieutenant and i will show you How to deal with terrorism, With biological and chemical Attacks.
In one week, you will be given An exam on homeland security, And you will all pass.
The lieutenant and i Are here to help you.
Nothing to be afraid of Except terrorism and biological And chemical weapons.
We will see you shortly.
Have a nice day.
Ten-hut.
As you were.
Oh, man, we are screwed.
That's An important question -- "Do i feel like reno is prepared For a terrorist attack?" No.
No, my answer was gonna be, "What kind?" But then my response, No matter what you said, Was gonna be no, so i really Don't think so.
I don't think terrorism's Gonna come to reno.
I don't think there's Anything here they want.
No, especially During the winter Because we got snow, and they'd Have to put chains on.
Putting snow chains On your camel -- They don't know How to do that.
Did anyone notice the garbage Can we just passed About 30 meters behind us? No.
There was a garbage can? It's not garbage day, Is it? No, it's -- You should have Noted that.
It's not tuesday.
Remember, gentlemen -- Eyes and ears peeled At all times.
Just make it A part of your -- Your everydayBeing.
But, if i can ask you, Mr.
Hernandez -- Of course.
Captain -- There are No stupid questions.
Uh, are we In charge of trash? That truck's pretty Suspicious looking.
"United we stand.
" Don't fool nobody with that Bumper sticker.
See, i feel like some of these People are trying too hard.
I feel like when the truck Of anthrax comes, It's gonna have a "united We stand" bumper sticker And a "bush/cheney" On the back.
And a toby keith damn tape Playing.
Exactly right, and it's gonna Be the trojan horse -- Except it's not gonna be A horse.
It's probably gonna be an f-150 Or something.
Of a suspicious person.
Yeah, here we go.
Sheriff's department! [ Knocks on door .]
This is the right address.
Sheriff's department! Hey, hey, hey, wait, wait.
This is one of the tests.
This is gonna be a test.
Suspicious person.
Right.
It's gonna be, uh, Some sort of bomb or a gas.
There's smoke coming out from Underneath this, uh, kid pool.
See it? Right over there.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Right there! Right there! Right there! What you doin' down there? Just hangin' out.
Just hangin' out Under the kid pool, huh? Why you got Your boot off, sir? Why you got your boot off? I didn't do [bleep.]
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Jesus christ! No, no, no, no, no! Freeze! Freeze! Put the boot down.
Put the boot down.
I'm gonna shoot your boot if you Do not put it down right now.
Don't shoot the boot, man! All right.
Oh [bleep.]
get down! I'm pointing a gun at you.
Sir, you got, in the house, Do you have any serin gas Or anthrax? I got a carton of smokes.
What do you guys want to stop [Bleep.]
me up? There's nothing in my boot.
It's just a regular boot.
Powder -- there's powder In the boot.
There's powder in the boot? That could be gold bond Or johnson's -- That's dr.
Scholl's powder Because i got a thing.
Don't taste it.
I wouldn't taste the Dr.
Scholl's powder, man.
It's dr.
Scholl's powder.
You're at the park With your family.
No biggie.
Having a picnic.
Your little girl Is playing hopscotch.
Your little boy comes back With a frankfurter.
He looks at you and says, "Daddy, why is the hot-dog man Wearing a turban?" Too late.
Boom! Explosion.
You get up, You look at your hands.
They're covered With green slime.
What do you do? Hazmat chemical shower.
Ridiculously simple to use.
Lieutenant and i Will show you how.
Volunteer! Wiegel? The first thing you must do Is disrobe.
[ Gasps .]
Into the shower! Commence hose-down.
This is a granule emollient Solution.
Gently.
Good.
Good.
It's a very gentle, Soft process.
The earlobes.
Especially the earlobes.
They are very sensitive To biological and chemical Solutions.
Scrubbing a downward motion.
Sometimes it takes more Than one washing Let the chemicals wash down Away from the vital organs.
Focus, people.
This is about fighting The terrorists.
This is america.
We are free.
This is the face of freedom! This is the face of freedom! Johnson: i have to be next.
I have to be next.
There is a man.
He is, perhaps, turkish.
He is attacking you.
Mm-hmm.
In his left hand, he holds A switchblade.
In his right hand, he's holding A plastic comb.
You have one bullet In your revolver, And you do not want To kill him.
Where do you shoot? Right in the nuts.
Maybe you should do The talking.
Yeah, i'll do the talking.
Ho! Ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Hey, hey.
Oh, hell no.
Oh, gary, lyle.
What's going on? How you doin', jimmy-jam? I'm doin' all right.
What's up tonight, fellas? We're just having ourselves An expression of free speech.
Well, you know what? You can't do that, And you know that.
Okay, but last time, It was a cornfield.
This is now my yard.
This is my property.
Well, i respect that, But we can't have this kind Of public display going on.
You're lighting a damn cross In your own yard? Oh, see, That's not a cross.
That's a "t" for tolerance.
It's a "t" for truth.
It's a "t" For turning the corner.
Fire it up.
No! Ho! Ho! No, you are not lighting That up.
Don't light that up! I'm losing my tolerance Right now.
Flame on.
Here we go.
Do not flame on.
Do not [bleep.]
light that thing, All right? I'm getting a lot of hostility Off of you.
All right, well -- That's a "t" for team because I understand it now.
Now we're all on a team.
You're my teammate.
Hey, hey, you know what? D-t-a-m-f-s -- Don't take another [Bleep.]
step, And don't you light that [Bleep.]
cross, all right? You see? No, no.
Give us a hug.
No, no, no.
Flame on! Do not flame on.
No! Oh! Oh [bleep.]
Son of a bitch.
Oh, [bleep.]
[bleep.]
Somebody should get a hose.
You know, He's accident prone.
This is not A complete surprise.
Well, lieutenant here Has studied at cambridge, Oxford, the university of seoul.
Am i missing anything? The university of new delhi.
I'm sorry.
You have that master's degree There, also.
She breeds koi fish, She's a kickboxing champion In her weight division.
And the class above.
And the class above.
As for myself, i studied at the Bloomfield community college Through affirmative action.
There are five dwarfs.
One of them speaks french.
Okay.
One speaks portuguese.
The others are mute.
You have only one bullet.
Which one do you shoot? Tick tock, tick tock.
Which one do you shoot? [ Sighs .]
UmThe black one.
I never said There was a black one.
But you are correct.
I am? Yes, you are thinking Outside the box.
I am? Excellent.
Yes.
[ Sighs .]
You know, no one has ever, Ever made me feel smart Like you.
You've got to be kidding me.
No.
I mean, they treat me Like i'm some kind of Retarded monkey.
What i'm trying to tell you, My flower, Is to let yourself bloom.
Can you feel my hand Touching your face? I can feel.
I can feel it.
Okay? Okay.
That is energy.
Yeah.
That is love coming to you From the universe, Telling you, "hey, woman.
Hey, lady.
"Maybe unbutton The top of your shirt.
Is that going To hurt anybody?" No.
No.
"Maybe look a little bit hot.
Is that going to hurt anybody?" No.
And by helping yourself, You're helping your country.
By helping your country, You are defeating those dirty, Dirty, dirty, bad bastards Who want to defeat us.
So bloom.
Bloom, damn you, bloom.
Bloom, damn you, bloom.
[ Humming .]
Captain duane hernandez Is like -- [ Sighs .]
He's not just An amazing captain.
Duane has -- duane has shown me That i can be The trudy wiegel that no one Ever knew that i could be.
UmI -- My voice has dropped, My shoulders have opened, My scoliosis, i feel like, Has almost completely Corrected itself, I'm no longer Lactose intolerant.
It's amazing.
Je ne sais quoi.
[ Chuckles .]
Je ne sais quoi.
Oh, my lord.
Hey, y'all need to arrest That man right there.
You need to arrest that man Right there.
He was trespassing On my property.
I hit him tonight, last night, I hit him the night before.
'Cause he come right across My property line.
Where's your property line? I don't see it.
Right there.
I got it marked off.
I got two cigarette butts There.
It extends out this way, It comes back this way.
I'm sitting there last night, All right? I'm getting a little high, And i said, "jackass, "Why don't you come over And keep me company? I got enough doobies For the both of us.
" So he comes over.
The next thing i know He's out like a light.
So y'all are doing drugs In there? You have possession Of drugs here? I don't have anything In there now 'Cause that jackass smoked Everything i had.
So you were smoking Marijuana cigarettes? I was smoking, We were drinking, We had some pills in there.
Y'all are missing the point.
Well, give us the point.
I'll show you the point Right here.
This right here Is the point.
That's the point.
That's not a point, That's a line.
Hold on one second.
She's doing all these things That obviously is illegal.
We can't take her in Because We don't see anything.
We gotta get a situation Here where we can, uh Okay, cool.
Okay, ma'am, so you're saying That this is your property.
This right here -- that right There is my property line.
But when he comes -- Ho! Hey, hey, hey! I swear to god, I'll knock you out.
There you go.
You did it.
You wait till i come back! Watch your head, ma'am.
That jackass is gonna get His nuts bit off.
You're gonna get your nuts bit Off when i get back, So get ready! Get ready for that! Get ready for some nut-bitin' Because that's What you're gonna get! Call the doctor.
Get that looked at, okay? And just don't cross the line, Sir, okay? Don't cross that line, Jackass! You'll get your nuts bit.
What do you do To work out? 'Cause, my god, you're, uh, You're really, uhFit.
So every morning, about Two hours before sunrise, I strip down naked, I go out to the ocean, And i swim two miles.
Usually -- it's weird.
Usually when i see A fun outfit like that, i I think How it would look on me, And i don't feel that With you at all.
I don't find myself looking And saying, "Oh, wouldn't it be fun to wear What susie's wearing?" I didn't mean to touch Your hair like that.
God, you're hot.
Where is that coming from? I don't know what the hell is Wrong with me today.
I'm sorry.
I didn't just say, "God, you're hot.
" I'm just all mixed up today, Susie.
Did you have something Funny to eat? No, no, It's not my stomach.
It's lower than that.
I see.
Is it a hernia or I'll be all right.
Now, now, now, look -- I ordered this escort About 35 minutes ago.
[ Knock on door .]
Oh, all right.
Here she is.
Thank you.
You have a good night.
Yeah, come on in.
How you doin'? It's open.
Mm-hmm.
Well, well, how you doin'? I'm good.
How are you? I'm not bad.
I ain't bad.
Look at you.
Look at me.
Yeah, now, in this picture, You look about 30 years younger Than you are right now.
This is an old picture, Isn't it? Mom! Oh, baby.
Uh, uh What the hell, mom? I just Honey I That's clementine's mother, Beulah.
This is not the first time This has happened, actually.
[ Sighs .]
Hey, beulah.
She makes A fabulous apricot pie.
Am i surprised of the level Of preparedness At the department of reno? I'm surprised at the lack of Preparedness that they have.
And if i were surprised, I would have to probably hide My surpriseness from you Because it's my job not to be Surprised by anything.
Even two years ago -- You were there -- They had a surprise birthday Party for me.
"Surprise!" And i was surprised inside, But i couldn't react.
And it's sad sometimes Because people -- They went To a lot of trouble.
My parents came, and they hid, And "surprise!" And still, I cannot show surpriseness Because that's not what We get paid for.
You gotta admit, Susie kim's kind of hot.
I'm gonna tell you like My grandmama told me -- Don't nothing like bones But a dog, huh? All i'm saying is The girl is bony, And i won't play No word games, Like i say, "oh, she's bony, She's a bone.
Oh, now you want to bone her.
" That's not funny to me.
That is not funny.
That's stupid.
That's stupid.
You don't even like -- You don't even like Shrimp fried rice.
What does "d.
D.
E.
O.
D.
" Stand for? D.
D.
E.
O.
D.
? DarkDudeEating Oriental delights? No.
Well, you know, i'm thinking That you and i Could make, like, a tiger.
Yeah, a "blasian.
" Tiger woods.
[ Growls .]
I love you.
You are not getting none.
That is not working.
[ Both coughing .]
Go! Go, go, go, go.
God damn! What do we got here, Ladies? Damn, girl, Thank youyou look good! We got a situation here.
We've been smelling this noxious Fume all day that you can smell, And got a lot of people Feeling sick.
I think what we got Is bioterrorism.
We all in the same ball park On bioterrorism? Evacuate your people Calmly and slowly.
Take your people out Calmly and slowly.
I need a visual check on the Perimeter and all the quadrants.
Here's what we need to do -- We gotta get a sniper Up on the roof.
We need a helicopter With a searchlight.
We're gonna need The hazmat team stat.
Call washington.
Wiegel: oh, my god! I trained in Survival and evasion In indonesia, with A native village With a tribe, A lifetime ago.
And i was symbolically Circumcised And the village elders Took vines from a mango tree And strapped biscuits To my thing.
And then, i had to do A ritual for manhood spirit.
Have you ever Run 55 kilometers With a hard biscuit strapped To your thing?