Rhoda (1974) s01e12 Episode Script

- MY NAME IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX, NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FEL RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER LIKING THAT LIKED ME BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD, AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- DONNIE, YOU WAN SOMETHING ELSE TO EAT? - NO, THANKS.
I'M FULL.
- ARE YOU SURE? I MEAN, YOU BETTER GET IT WHILE YOU CAN.
YOU GET BACK TO YOUR MOM, SHE'S NOT GONNA LET YOU HAVE ALL THIS ROTTEN JUNK FOOD.
- HEY, DONNIE, WHY DON'T YOU GO IN AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH, WE'LL FINISH UP PACKING, AND LEAVE.
OK? - BUT I BRUSHED THEM BEFORE, DAD.
- YEAH, WELL, YOU SHOULD ALSO BRUSH THEM AFTER YOU EAT.
- OK.
- HE'S SO SWEET, JOE.
- YEAH, AND HE'S CRAZY ABOUT YOU, TOO.
- I SHOULD HOPE SO.
EVERY MORNING I WAKE HIM UP SAYING, "THIS IS DADDY'S NEW WIFE.
DO YOU LOVE ME?" THE SAME WAY I WAKE YOU, JOE.
LISTEN, YOU WERE MARRIED SIX YEARS.
DID YOU JUST WANT ONE CHILD? - WELL, WE HAD DONNIE AFTER WE WERE MARRIED FIVE YEARS.
- YEAH.
- AND IT SEEMED SILLY TO HAVE ANOTHER KID AFTER WE WERE DIVORCED.
- GOOD THINKING.
- ALL BRUSHED, DAD! - HEY, WATCH IT, DONNIE, YOU'RE BLINDING ME.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- BRENDA? - YEAH.
- YEAH.
- HIYA.
- HI.
- I JUST STOPPED IN TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO DONNIE.
- HEY, BREN.
LISTEN, WE'RE GONNA DROP HIM OFF, SO HOW ABOUT IF I DROP YOU OFF AT THE SAME TIME, HUH? - OH, YEAH, GREAT.
- BRENDA, MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO STAY AND HAVE A SECOND CUP OF COFFEE.
- OH, NO THANKS.
A SECOND CUP OF COFFEE ALWAYS LEADS TO THE HARD STUFF, LIKE A PIECE OF DANISH.
- BUT I THOUGH WE COULD TALK A LITTLE.
- OH, OK, SURE.
THEN CAN I HAVE A DANISH? - OK, DONNIE.
LET'S MOVE OUT.
- AH, DONNIE, SO LONG, DARLING.
HEY, SAY HI TO MOUN EVEREST FOR ME, WILL YA? - BYE, RHODA.
BYE, BRENDA.
- SEE YA, DONNIE.
- SEE YA.
- SO - SO.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND, RHO? - I'M TWO WEEKS LATE.
- FOR WHAT? OOH, OH, LATE! YOU MEAN, LATE LATE! - YEAH, RIGHT.
IT'S MY IMAGINATION, HUH? - NO, I THINK YOU'RE PREGNANT.
- OH, THANKS.
- DID YOU TELL JOE? - TELL HIM WHAT? JOE, I DON'T KNOW IF I'M PREGNANT OR NOT.
THAT'S NOT ANYTHING TO TELL A GUY.
BUT I DID WANT TO TALK TO SOMEBODY.
- WELL, YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PERSON.
- AH.
BRENDA, IT'S JUST THA I WASN'T FIGURING ON I THIS SOON.
I MEAN, THIS IS SOON.
BEFORE STARTING A FAMILY I THOUGHT WE'D WAI A COUPLE OF DAYS.
- HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOU BEING POSSIBLY PREGNANT? - THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
I DON'T KNOW.
MY FIRST REACTION WAS COMPLETE AND TOTAL PANIC, AND THEN I REMEMBERED, I'M MARRIED.
YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? - OH, HI, JOE.
- HIYA, MAY.
- ANY MESSAGES? - MM-HMM, TWO, THEY'RE ON YOUR DESK.
- MY WIFE CALL? - WHICH ONE? - LOOK, MAY, TO AVOID CONFUSION, I HAVE ONE WIFE AND ONE EX-WIFE.
SO IF I WANT TO KNOW IF MY WIFE CALLED, I'LL SAY, "DID MY WIFE CALL?" IF I WANT TO KNOW IF MY EX-WIFE CALLED, I'LL SAY, "DID MY EX-WIFE CALL?" OK? - OK.
NEITHER ONE CALLED.
YOU WANT ME TO ORDER UP SOME LUNCH, JOE? - OH, NO, NO, THANKS.
- NO LUNCH? - NAH.
- JOE, IT'S VERY OBVIOUS THA SOMETHING IS BOTHERING YOU.
- YEAH, YEAH, I GUESS SO.
- WELL, I HOPE YOU DON'T HOLD I AGAINST ME IF I DON' ASK YOU WHAT'S WRONG.
- OK.
I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IS WRONG.
- HOLD IT.
THIS IS THE VERY REASON I DIDN'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED.
I JUST STOPPED SMOKING.
BUT WHEN I GET NERVOUS OR INVOLVED WITH PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS, I CAN' STOP, YOU KNOW? - THEN, MAY, DON'T SMOKE.
- IT'S TOO LATE NOW.
OR IT WILL BE IF YOU LIGHT MY CIGARETTE.
- MAY, YOU KNOW, I HATE TO SEE YOU START AGAIN.
- MMM, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I CAN QUIT ANY TIME.
I QUIT YESTERDAY, I CAN QUIT TODAY, AND I'LL PROBABLY QUIT TOMORROW.
WHAT'S BUGGING YOU, JOE? - WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, YOU'RE THE BOOKKEEPER.
THINGS ARE REAL SLOW AROUND HERE AND, WELL, I'M WORRIED ABOUT THAT BID I SUBMITTED-- THAT DEMOLITION JOB ON 28th STREET.
- IS THAT IT? WELL, I'M SO GLAD YOU TALKED TO ME, I KNEW I'D CHEER YOU UP.
THINK POSITIVE, YOU'LL GET THE JOB.
- BUT THAT'S WHA I'M AFRAID OF.
I BID TOO LOW.
I GET THAT JOB, I'M GONNA LOSE MY SHIRT.
- WHY'D YOU BID SO LOW? - BECAUSE WE NEED THE WORK.
- AH, JOE, I'M SURE YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH ROUGH TIMES LIKE THIS BEFORE, HAVEN'T YOU? - YEAH, YEAH, I GUESS I HAVE.
- AND I'M SURE YOU DIDN'T THINK YOU'D FIND A SOLUTION, RIGHT? - HEY, THAT'S RIGHT.
- BUT YOU DID, DIDN'T YOU? - HEY, I SURE DID! THANKS, MAY.
- OF COURSE, YOU DIDN'T HAVE A NEW WIFE TO WORRY ABOUT, OR A BRAND-NEW APARTMEN TO PAY FOR, OR ALL THAT FURNITURE.
AND WAIT UNTIL YOU GET A LOAD OF THE BILLS THAT CAME IN TODAY.
- WHEW! - LOOK, MAY, HOLD IT.
NOW, REMIND ME NEVER TO TELL YOU MY PROBLEMS.
- WELL, IF YOU DON'T TELL THEM TO ME, JOE, WHO ARE YOU GONNA TELL THEM TO? - WELL, HOW ABOUT MY WIFE? - YOU MEAN, YOU'D TELL HER STUFF LIKE THIS? - SURE! - OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC! MODERN COUPLES TELLING EACH OTHER EVERYTHING, HUH? I TELL YOU, MY HUSBAND NEVER TOLD ME A THING, THOUGH I WISH HE HAD BECAUSE NOW THAT HE'S DEAD I'LL NEVER KNOW WHY HE LEFT SO MUCH MONEY TO HIS SECRETARY.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- NEW YORK WRECKING COMPANY.
HUH? OH, SURE, YEAH, I'LL TELL HIM.
OK.
BYE.
I'VE GOT BAD NEWS, JOE.
- WHAT? - YOU GOT THE JOB.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- IT'S ME, BRENDA! - OH, JUST A MINUTE.
HI.
- HI.
WELL, ANY NEWS YET? - BRENDA, DON'T REFER TO IT AS NEWS.
I MEAN, I GET THE FEELING THA WALTER CRONKITE CLOSED WITH, "RHODA IS STILL LATE, AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.
" - WELL, DON'T BE TOO CONCERNED.
I ASKED SOME OF MY TOP GIRLFRIENDS AND THEY SAID BEING NERVOUS CAN MAKE YOU LATE.
- YEAH? - YEAH, SO ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT ANYTHING? - I AM.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT BEING LATE.
- DID YOU MENTION ANYTHING TO JOE YET? - BRENDA, THIS IS NOT THE TYPE OF THING I WOULD MENTION.
I MEAN, YOU EITHER DROP THE BOMB ON HIM OR YOU DON'T.
- BOY, YOU KNOW, THIS IS A HEAVY RESPONSIBILITY FOR ME.
I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS.
AND I AM DYING TO TELL SOMEBODY! - BUT THERE IS NOTHING TO TELL, SO I DO NOT WANT YOU TO TELL ANYBODY, NO ONE.
- OK.
I WON'T TELL A SOUL.
MUM'S THE WORD.
- RIGHT.
AND MUM INCLUDES MOM.
ALL I WOULD NEED IS FOR HER TO HEAR.
IT WOULD BE THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY ANYBODY EVER SENT OU PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENTS.
- RHO, DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.
AS OF THIS MOMENT, I'M PUTTING IT OUT OF MY MIND.
WELL, I SEE YOU'VE MADE A STRAWBERRY CHEESECAKE.
- NOT BAD FOR A FIRST TRY, HUH? - NO, IT REALLY LOOKS GREAT.
HOW DID YOU MAKE IT? - YOU THINK I'M GONNA GIVE AWAY MY SECRETS? - THIS SECRET ISN'T YOURS, IT'S SARA LEE'S.
ALL YOU DID WAS THAW THIS OUT AND STICK SOME STRAWBERRIES ON TOP.
IT WAS EASY.
- IT WAS NOT.
FIRST I HAD TO SCRAPE OFF ALL THE PINEAPPLE.
- LOOK, RHO, YOU KNOW, I STILL CAN' GET OVER THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A MARRIED WOMAN, NOT TO MENTIONTHE UNMENTIONABLE.
- GOOD.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? - SURE I DO, BRENDA.
LISTEN, SOMETIMES I DON' REMEMBER I'M MARRIED.
- HIYA, BABE! - HIYA, JOE! - HIYA, BREN! - HI, JOE.
- WELL, I GUESS I'LL BE HITTING THE OLD STAIRS.
- HEY, WHAT'S THE RUSH? - OH, WELL, YOU KNOW OUR AGREEMENT.
JUST BECAUSE WE LIVE IN THE SAME BUILDING I WASN'T GOING TO KEEP POPPING IN ON YOU.
- RIGHT.
AND I SAY THAT IF I WANTED YOU TO LEAVE, I WOULD TELL YOU.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME, I'M GOING.
- BUT I WANT YOU TO STAY.
- NOT TONIGHT WHEN YOU TWO HAVE SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.
- WHAT? UH, RHODA? - YEAH.
- YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT? - NOTHING THAT CAN' WAIT FOR A WHILE.
- WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT, TOO.
- WELL, THEN WHY DON' YOU GO FIRST, JOE? - RHODA, THIS ISN'T AN EASY THING TO TELL YOU.
- LISTEN, WHAT'S EASY TO TELL ANYBODY THESE DAYS? - WELL, YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY IS KIND OF DOWN AND, UH - YEAH.
- WELL, THEY'RE NOT PUTTING UP AS MANY BUILDINGS IN NEW YORK, SO THEY'RE NOT KNOCKING DOWN AS MANY.
SO BUSINESS IS KIND OF OFF, AND, UM, WELL, WE MAY HAVE TO TIGHTEN OUR BELTS.
- MMM.
YEAH.
- AND THAT'S IT.
SO WHAT'S YOUR NEWS? - WELL, MY NEWS IS THAT IT MIGHT BE RATHER DIFFICULT FOR ME TO TIGHTEN MY BELT.
- HI, JOE.
- RHODA! GOOD MORNING! WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP? I WAS GONNA LET YOU SLEEP.
- AH, NO, I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE BREAKFAST WITHOUT ME BEFORE YOU WENT TO WORK.
- GREAT.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO EAT? - NOTHING.
I WILL HAVE SOME BLACK COFFEE THOUGH.
- OK.
HEY, YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT WE HAVEN'T BEEN SPENDING A LOT OF TIME TALKING ABOUT WHETHER OR NO YOU'RE PREGNANT.
- YEAH.
SPENDING A LOT OF TIME DISCUSSING SOMETHING THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAPPEN WOULD BE RIDICULOUS.
- I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT.
- I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT, AT ALL.
- EXCEPT FOR NOW.
- NOW? EVEN NOW I'M NO THINKING ABOUT IT.
- ME EITHER.
- THIS IS WHAT'S CALLED A PREGNANT PAUSE.
- RHODA, HOW DO YOU THINK IT HAPPENED? - I THINK LIKE THEY TAUGHT US IN BIOLOGY.
IF--IF IT HAPPENED.
IF.
- YEAH, BUT WEREN'T YOU ON THE PILL? - OH, YEAH, I WAS, JOE, BUT I MIGH HAVE MADE A MISTAKE.
AFTER WE GOT BACK FROM THE HONEYMOON CRUISE I NOTICED I HAD ONE EXTRA BIRTH CONTROL PILL, BUT I WAS SHORT ONE SEASICKNESS PILL.
- WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOW YOU'RE NOT SEASICK.
- AH, JOE, LISTEN, UH IF--AND I'M SAYING IF--YOU HEAR THAT? IF IT TURNS OUT THAT I'M PREGNANT, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT IT? - WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU ARE.
- I KNOW, BUT IF I WERE.
IF I WERE.
- WELL, IF YOU WERE PREGNANT - YEAH.
- I'M NOT SURE HOW I'D FEEL.
BUT SINCE YOU'RE NOT SURE, I KNOW I DON'T NOW HOW I'D FEEL.
- YEAH.
HOW CAN YOU BE SURE OF AN ANSWER WHEN I'M NOT SURE OF THE QUESTION? - HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? - CONCERNED MAINLY.
THEN I'D WONDER HOW GOOD A MOTHER I'D BE.
I MEAN, I ALWAYS REMEMBER MY MOTHER SAYING, "RHODA, I AM NOT GOING MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES WITH MY DAUGHTER THAT MY MOTHER MADE WITH ME.
" YEAH, EVERYBODY WHO EVER HAS A KID SAYS THAT AND THEN EVERYBODY ALWAYS MAKES THE SAME MISTAKES.
I MEAN, JOE, I'M SITTING HERE, I'M NO EVEN SURE IF I'M PREGNANT, AND I WANT HER HOME BY 11:00.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? - NOTHING.
- WHAT ARE YOU FEELING? - WELL, I GUESS, A LITTLE STUNNED.
- YEAH.
- AH, COME ON! LET'S STOP WORRYING.
- OK.
OH, I'M NOT WORRIED, UNLESS YOU ARE.
- LIKE I SAID, LET'S JUST STOP WORRYING, HUH? - DON'T WORRY! FOOL.
[BUZZER.]
- YEAH? - HI, THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- YEAH, WHAT'S HAPPENING, CARLTON? - THERE'S A LADY ON HER WAY UP TO SEE YOU AND SHE LOOKS SUSPICIOUS.
- THEN WHY DID YOU LET HER UP? - BECAUSE EVERYBODY IN NEW YORK LOOKS SUSPICIOUS.
- CARLTON, I'M DISAPPOINTED, YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GOING ON THE WAGON.
- I AM ON THE WAGON.
- YOU SOUND DRUNK.
- I GUESS I'VE BEEN DRINKING SO LONG I TALK THIS WAY ALL THE TIME.
- I SEE.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- RHODA? - OH, SUSAN! - HI.
- WHAT A SURPRISE! - I KNOW.
BOY, YOU GOT SOME WEIRD DOORMAN.
- AH, DON'T I KNOW IT.
- HE DID EVERYTHING BUT FRISK ME.
- WELL, HE PROBABLY THOUGHT YOU WERE SMUGGLING IN A PUPPY UNDER THERE.
- AH, I WISH IT WERE.
THE OTHER FOUR KIDS HAVE BEEN WANTING ONE.
- SUSAN, YOU'RE LOOKING WONDERFUL.
- RHODA.
- YES, YOU ARE.
- LISTEN, I THINK IT'S TRUE WHA THEY SAY ABOUT PREGNANT WOMEN HAVING THAT SPECIAL GLOW.
- THAT SPECIAL GLOW IS SOMETHING THAT PREGNANT WOMEN MADE UP SO THEY'D FEEL BETTER ABOUT LOOKING LIKE THIS.
I'M FINE.
YEAH, I'M OK.
- OK.
HOW ABOUT A CUP OF COFFEE? - OH, I'D LOVE IT! - DO YOU WANT A PIECE OF CAKE? - YEAH! - YOU'RE NOT ON A DIET, HUH? - NO, I USED TO DO THAT, BUT NO MORE.
FROM NOW ON THEY EAT WHAT I EAT.
HEY, RHODA, I BROUGHT YOU A SHOWER PRESENT.
- OH, SUSAN, WHAT FOR? - WELL, I FELT SO DUMB BRINGING YOU DIAPERS FOR YOUR BRIDAL SHOWER, SO I THOUGH I'D GET YOU SOMETHING GOOD FOR A NEW BRIDE.
- AH.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
- GO AHEAD, OPEN IT.
- ALL RIGHT.
- RHODA, THIS IS SOME TERRIFIC APARTMENT.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
OF COURSE, WE DON'T HAVE ALL THE STUFF WE WANT YET.
- WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? - THE ECONOMY TO GET BETTER.
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
- DO YOU REALLY LIKE IT? - OH.
OH, IT'S TWO PIECES.
YEAH, IT'S GORGEOUS.
BUT, FRANKLY, I MIGHT HAVE MORE USE FOR THOSE DIAPERS THAN I DO FOR THIS.
- RHODA, HOW WONDERFUL! I'M ALWAYS SO EXCITED TO HEAR THAT FROM SOMEBODY ELSE.
- BUT I MIGHT NOT BE.
- EVEN BETTER.
LISTEN, RHODA, IF IT HAPPENS YOU NEED ANYTHING IN THE WAY OF BABY STUFF, I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.
IN FACT, IF IT TURNS OUT THAT YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT, I'LL GIVE YOU A KID.
- THANKS, SUSIE, THANKS.
- HEY, YOU KNOW SOMETHING, IT'S VERY EASY TO FIND OUT IF YOU ARE.
I HAVE A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMEN THIS MORNING, WHY DON'T YOU COME ALONG? - I CAN'T DO THAT.
I'D NEED AN APPOINTMENT.
- DON'T WORRY, HE'LL TAKE YOU, BECAUSE IF HE DOESN'T, I PULL MY BUSINESS.
- THIS LOOKS LIKE OUR SENIOR CLASS AT GRADUATION.
- HIYA, CHARLOTTE! - HI, SUSAN! YOU'RE WAY OVERDUE, AREN'T YOU? - NO, I HAD THAT ONE.
THIS IS ANOTHER ONE.
- SORRY I MISSED IT.
I MUST HAVE BEEN ON VACATION.
- CHARLOTTE, CHARLOTTE, THIS IS MY FRIEND MRS.
GERARD THAT I CALLED YOU ABOUT.
- HI, MRS.
GERARD.
I'LL BE NEEDING A LITTLE INFORMATION.
- OK.
WHAT LITTLE I KNOW I'LL BE HAPPY TO GIVE YOU.
- LISTEN, GIRLS, I'M GONNA GO SIT DOWN.
I'M STANDING HERE FOR TWO.
- RIGHT.
- YOUR FIRST NAME, MRS.
GERARD? - RHODA.
- HUSBAND? - ABSOLUTELY.
- WHAT'S YOUR HUSBAND'S FIRST NAME? - JOE.
I MEAN, JOSEPH.
I CALL HIM JOE.
- I'M GOING TO LET YOU FILL THE REST OF THIS OUT YOURSELF.
THERE ARE SOME VERY IMPORTAN FACTS THAT WE HAVE TO KNOW.
CHILDHOOD DISEASES, PARENTS MEDICAL HISTORY, AND HOW YOU'RE GOING TO PAY THE DOCTOR.
- OK.
- NOW, THIS IS A QUESTIONNAIRE FROM THE POPULATION RESEARCH INSTITUTE.
IF YOU DON'T MIND A FEW MORE QUESTIONS, MRS.
GERARD? - NO, NOT AT ALL.
- FINE.
DO YOU PRACTICE BIRTH CONTROL? - I THOUGHT I DID.
- THAT MEANS YES? - YES.
YES.
- DOES THAT INCLUDE THE TIME WHEN YOU WERE SINGLE? - YES.
- WHAT METHOD OF BIRTH CONTROL DID YOU USE? A DEVICE, RHYTHM, ORALLY? - ORALLY.
I USED TO SAY NO A LOT.
- IF YOU DISCOVERED THA YOU COULDN'T HAVE A CHILD, WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO ADOPT ONE? - OH, YES, I WOULD.
- WOULD YOU CONSIDER ADOPTING A MINORITY CHILD? - YEAH.
YEAH, SURE.
- WHICH MINORITY WOULD YOU PREFER? - JEWISH.
I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST JOKING.
I WAS KIDDING.
I DO THAT WHEN I'M NERVOUS.
ANY MINORITY IS FINE.
- FINE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THAT'LL BE ALL.
NOW IF YOU'LL TAKE THA TO ROOM FOUR AND DISROBE, THE DOCTOR WILL BE WITH YOU IN JUST A MOMENT.
- OK, THANK YOU.
I'VE BEEN SENT TO ROOM FOUR.
- ROOM FOUR? - YEAH.
- HEY, YOU'RE LUCKY, THAT'S THE ROOM WITH THE HEATER.
- JOE? - HEY, BABE.
- HI! - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOME AT 1:00 IN THE AFTERNOON? - OH, I DON'T KNOW, I JUST CAME HOME TO HAVE A SPECIAL LITTLE LUNCH WITH YOU.
- THAT'S SWEET.
JOE, THAT'S SO GORGEOUS! - WELL, IT OUGHTA BE.
IT'S PAGE 27 OF "BRIDE" MAGAZINE.
- AHA! I LOVE IT.
WHAT IF I DIDN'T COME HOME? - OH, WELL, I WAS GONNA GIVE YOU 10 MORE MINUTES AND THEN I WAS GONNA INVITE CARLTON UP FOR A GLASS OF WINE.
- WITH CARLTON YOU WOULDN'T NEED A GLASS.
- SO WOULD YOU LIKE TO EAT? - YEAH.
JOE, ARE YOU IN A BIG HURRY? - OH, NO, NO, I GOT LOTS OF TIME.
- OH, GOOD.
UM, WHY DON'T WE SIP A GLASS OF WINE FIRST? - THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
OH, BOY, THIS FEELS FUNNY.
- WHAT? - OH, POURING WINE FOR A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ON A WEEKDAY A 1:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.
IT'S LIKE WE'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR.
- YEAH, TERRIFIC, HUH? AND WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MY HUSBAND WALKING IN ON US.
JOE? - YEAH.
- I WENT TO THE DOCTOR THIS MORNING AND I TOOK A TEST.
- AND? - AND I'M NOT.
- YOU'RE NOT.
- NO.
15 YEARS I'M OUT OF SCHOOL, I'M STILL FLUNKING TESTS.
- RHODA, YOU'RE NOT, UHDISAPPOINTED? - IN A WAY, YEAH.
BUT I'M ALSO RELIEVED.
I MEAN, I HAVE NOTHING AGAINS HAVING A BABY, BUT I THINK IT'S SOMETHING WE SHOULD PLAN FOR, JOE.
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW? - I MEAN, THAT WAY WHEN IT ARRIVES, IT'S SOMETHING THAT WE REALLY WANT, RATHER THAN SOMETHING WE GOT.
- SURE.
NO, I AGREE.
THAT'S FUNNY.
DISAPPOINTED AND RELIEVED.
THOSE TWO THINGS HAPPEN TOGETHER A LOT.
YOU KNOW, THERE SHOULD BE A SPECIAL WORD FOR IT.
- YEAH.
HOW ABOUT DISRELIEVED? - DISRELIEVED, THAT'S FINE.
- YEAH, LIKE THE TIME I TRIED OU FOR CHEERLEADERS, I WAS DISAPPOINTED I DIDN'T MAKE IT, BUT RELIEVED I DIDN'T HAVE TO WEAR ONE OF THOSE SHORT LITTLE SKIRTS.
- OH, BY THE WAY, I'VE GOT SOME NEWS - FOR YOU, TOO.
- YEAH? - YEAH.
YOU REMEMBER THAT BID THAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT? - YEAH.
- WE GOT THE JOB.
- OH, NO, JOE.
- WELL, YOU CAN' LOSE THEM ALL.
IN THE MEANWHILE, LET'S FORGE ABOUT ALL THE MONEY IT'S GONNA COST ME AND HAVE A NICE LUNCH, HUH? - OK, I'M FOR THAT.
OH, JOE, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL! - YOU LIKE IT? - YEAH, PASTRAMI, PICKLED HERRING, SOUR CREAM, TONGUE, CHEESE, SHRIMP.
HA! - YEAH, I GOT YOU ALL THE THINGS THA I THOUGHT YOU WOULD LIKE IF YOU WERE PREGNANT.
- WE'RE IN LUCK.
THOSE ARE ALL THE THINGS I LIKE WHEN I'M NOT PREGNANT.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- IS THAT YOU, BABY SISTER? - YES, IT IS.
- HI, COME IN.
- WOW, RHODA! - YEAH.
- OH.
OH, I'M SORRY, WERE YOU IN BED? - NO, NO, SILLY.
NO, I WAS JUST TRYING IT ON.
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? - OH, SENSATIONAL! - YEAH.
- OH, WOULD I LOVE TO BE ABLE TO WEAR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
- WELL, WHY CAN'T YOU? - YOU KIDDING? I'D LOOK LIKE A FLOA IN THE ROSE PARADE.
- STOP IT, HUH! [BUZZER.]
- YES? - THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
- YES, CARLTON, WHAT IS IT? - JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOUR HUSBAND'S ON HIS WAY UP.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- WITH FLOWERS TO SURPRISE YA! - THAT CARLTON DOESN'T HAVE A DECENT BONE IN HIS BODY.