Roommates s01e12 Episode Script

You are not going to believe this.
"Dear ex-girlfriends, you are invited to a trash 'n' treasures party Saturday night.
Love, Ben.
" He cares about me enough to use me to get him laid! Isn't that one of those parties where you bring an ex - and hope to meet someone else's? - It's basically saying "I've grown to find this one repulsive, but they'd be perfect for you.
" - Pathetic.
- Yes.
We should go.
Come on.
It's like a yard sale for booty.
I have got way too much going on right now to go to some party with Ben and his exes.
Exactly.
You have David.
Have you decided to go for it? It's a little weird.
I work for him.
- So do you want Mark? - I don't know.
He's been all weird too.
I live with him.
If we get together and it doesn't work out, it's weird forever.
While you're waiting, you can come to the party.
I need a wing woman.
Hot guys come over, you're my sexy friend.
When dorks come over, you're my angry cop life partner.
How can I say no to that? - Say no to what? - Trash 'n' treasures party Saturday.
So line up your exes.
If you even bothered to learn any of their names.
What the hell.
I'm not against a little recycling.
- What about you, Mark? - Me? What's wrong? Don't have any exes? Remember, cousins don't count.
Please, I have plenty.
I'm totally in.
- Who are you thinking about bringing? - Lots of people.
Did you ever have a serious girlfriend? And several silly ones.
Let's talk about who I should bring.
What about Ian? - I was thinking about bringing Russell.
- Gay Russell? The guy you broke up with because he's gay Russell? - You were devastated.
- I know, but then I realized it had nothing to do with me.
He's biologically programmed not to want all of this stuff.
"Buenos dias, Thomas.
" You know that's not a parrot.
Right, Mark.
Then how do they communicate? So look, they're having this trash 'n' treasures party at a bar, and I have to invite an ex.
- You're giving up on Katie? - No, but I don't know what's going on with her.
It's possible that she's into David.
If I make a move now and I fall on my face, it could be weird forever.
Plus, I can't wait around forever.
Word.
You only have one ex, and that's Jackie.
You have to invite her.
What's your other choice? Show up alone and be mocked? Which is fun for a while, but then it gets old.
- There has to be somebody else.
- No, just Jackie.
I don't blame her for dumping you.
You were a terrible boyfriend.
I was a great boyfriend.
You took a poem for Katie in high school, you were too chicken to give to her, and you gave it to Jackie.
Why haven't you called me? Because, you know, I don't have your number.
Well, here's my card.
Has all my info on it.
I'm a life coach.
"I teach you how to take life's crap and make crap-ade.
" It's catchy.
Man, I wish I could go to this party with you.
What party? I love parties.
Darn it.
You can only come if you're somebody's ex.
I see.
You are a delightful boyfriend, Thom.
Is this another girl's hair? How could you? I guess you're my ex now.
See you at the party.
- You look great.
- Thanks.
So do you.
You know what's funny? We were just Tammy! Tammy.
What kind of stripper name is Tammy? I can't wait to see Jackie.
So, James, who did you invite? The drunkest, loosest, hottest girl I have ever known.
Does she have a grandma? I love old drunk ladies.
So, Mark, is that your ex? That's my ex.
- She is gorgeous.
- Damn.
She's talking to another guy.
Relax, it's just gay Russell.
Of course he's gay, he's really cute.
Mark, Thom and I got back together.
So, Mark, are you in a jealous rage? Not really, no.
Well, you will be.
She has it bad for the Markinator.
I just can't turn this off.
So here we are - Hanging out.
- Hanging hanging.
Hanging and banging.
Not banging, just hanging.
Jackie, hi.
You made it.
You look amazing.
I almost didn't recognize you.
- Well I'll just I'll be over.
- Sorry, Jackie, this is my roommate Katie.
Katie, Jackie.
Wait.
"Roommate Katie".
You live with the same Katie you went to high school with? You talked about me? I talk about all of you guys.
You, James, Hope, Thom.
Thom's adopted bird.
"Buenos dias, Thomas.
" I guess I better get out there, you know, mingle.
That's why we're here, right? - I think I'm gonna catch up with Mark.
- Of course.
Me, I'm off to find some treasure out there.
Them's the rules.
Don't make them, ain't gonna break them.
Can't find treasure sitting on your ass.
- I don't believe how fantastic you are.
- It's probably 'cause I'm sober.
Start drinking for God's sakes so I can look as good to you as you do to me.
No, I mean, I'm sober as in I don't drink anymore.
What do you do for fun now? Hopefully you.
Katie, I just love this bag! Balenciaga Knock-off.
Get out! Girl, did you know - this is a knock-off? - OK.
Stop talking about purses.
I like that guy.
Take your hot bod over there, distract the girl, while I come on to him.
OK, distracting.
Look at those two.
Mark's ex doesn't understand the rules of the trash 'n' treasure party.
She's supposed to be looking for trash, but is she doing that? No.
She's hanging on his every word.
- So are you jealous? - No.
I'm just a stickler for the rules.
Look, Ben's over there ignoring me, picking up girls left and right.
He knows how it's done.
So isn't the ninth step of the AA Program that you have to make love to all the people you've hurt in the past? - That's make amends.
- Yeah, whatever you wanna call it.
Hold one sec.
What's up? Oh, man.
I have to take this outside.
I'll be right back.
Don't go anywhere.
And then after all that, I officially became a real astronomer.
That is so cool.
So, question: what's going on with the sun? Is it really gonna blow up and rain down balls of fire by ending civilization - as we know it? - Yeah.
Tuesday.
- Hello.
- James, this is Graham, my son.
A son.
You have a son.
I was just about to tell you about him, when boom.
- Here he is.
- Nice to meet you Graham.
My brother was watching him, but he got called in to work, so sorry but it looks like we're gonna have to call it a night.
No, no.
Nonsense.
- You hungry, pal? - Yeah.
- Really? You sure? - Yeah, totally.
I'm gonna grab you something, sweetie.
Thank you so much.
I don't get many nights off anymore.
Max tooted in my face.
I'll tell you a secret.
Last night, my roommate Mark fell asleep, and I tooted in his face.
I wonder what that kid's laughing at.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
To old friends reuniting.
It's weird, but I was thinking about you right before you called me.
I know, I was thinking about you right before I called too.
What am I even doing? Look at Mark.
He's clearly not into me.
Sure doesn't look like it.
And I'm at some bar while I have David Shick, handsome, successful, doting on me at work, just sitting there waiting for me to make up my mind.
- Why don't you go talk to him? - You know what? I think I will.
I am really glad you called me.
I was curious about what you turned into.
I can also show you where I live, if you want.
I'm just trying to help you out.
You're curious, I have information.
We make a great team.
Love to.
You know I'm just using you to make Mark jealous? I think now would be a good time to really use me.
- Who's this adorable guy? - This is Graham.
This is my ex Anna.
Anna this is Hope.
Very nice to meet you.
- Hi, lady.
- Hi, Graham.
You are so cute.
I know.
I have lots of girlfriends.
Are you sure Graham's not yours? - Take care.
Watch out for this one.
- Will do.
- How old is Graham, exactly? - He's six.
Am I Graham's daddy? - No.
- Thank God.
He's a great kid.
You're a great kid, but thank God.
Mommy, I have to go poop real bad.
- OK, sweetie, I'll take you.
- I wanna go to the boys' room with him.
- Would you mind? - I'm just so relieved, I'll take him anywhere.
Ballgame, circus.
Hell, I'll even pay for his college.
Let's go fire that cannon, little man.
You haven't changed Personalitywise.
Physically you were always cute but since then, it's like someone invented a hot stick and smacked you around with it.
Thank you.
You've changed some yourself.
- Really? In a good way? - In a great way? Beer helps with that.
Oh, my gosh.
Me in my drill team outfit.
Oh, man.
Me in my mascot uniform.
- Do you still have your horse head? - Of course I have it.
I earned that head.
I spent the first two years of college living in the ass end, behind fat joey.
The other night, I had a dream he tooted in my face.
Don't just sit there.
Go and get the head.
I'm just gonna walk.
- Can you ring David Shick, please? - Does he know you're coming? The unannounced visitor.
Who should I say is calling? Wait.
Wait.
You said "OK", but you said it with a pause between the "O" and the "K", which say you think this not be a good idea.
Or it could just be the way I say OK.
All right.
Go ahead.
Again.
Why don't you tell me when you're ready? I'm not going anywhere, both literally and figuratively.
Sorry.
I'm not sure I should be doing this.
It represents a crossing of a line from which I am not sure I could return.
You'll never know until you cross that line.
I should cross the line? I don't have enough information to make an informed decision.
Damn it.
I work for David, and I like him.
I really do.
I don't know where I am with Mark.
He's off with some ex of his who doesn't play by any rules I can see.
I've been here since David moved in and he's a good guy.
I know for a fact he's dying to settle down.
Call him.
I haven't met this Mark.
He could be an nicer guy than David.
You're confusing me more.
I'm a doorman.
Sorry.
It's kind of a big step.
I mean, I work for him.
Did you ever date one you worked for? - How did that work out? - I'm a doorman.
Stop singing.
Get on with it.
Can you help me wipe? I don't do that.
Please? My God, what happened? It kinda got away from me.
Russell? What are you doing? Kissing.
Sorry, honey, you're making out with a gay guy.
I've done that before.
He is not gay.
I don't understand.
I was just Because she asked me to All right, look.
When we were in college, I tried to break up a bunch of times, but you were kinda - Spit it out, Russell! - Nuts.
I just wasn't that into you, but you wouldn't take no for an answer.
We had a big meeting at the frat house where guys pitched ideas on ways for me to break up with you.
Me telling you I was gay won by a nose over me actually becoming gay.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my God.
So it was me who you rejected and not my entire gender.
What the hell is up with that, big Russ? See? This is kind of what I was talking about.
I had a perfect record before you.
I always dumped a guy before they dumped me.
So this is how it's gonna go: I broke up with you.
Got it? Got it.
You dumped me.
I gotta tell you, it feels pretty good not - having to live a lie anymore.
- Just go.
See? I told you I still had it.
Do you still remember our mustang cheer? Do I? No, I do not.
This has been really great.
- Can I tell you a secret? - Sure.
The secret is ever since college, I kinda thought of you as my one who got away.
- I'm really glad you called me.
- Me too.
I was a little nervous too, but it's great to see you.
Go mustangs! - Brings back some memories.
- It does.
You know what? I have to go.
Is it because I don't remember the cheer? I'll call you.
- How did it go with gay Russell? - He's not gay.
He told me he was gay to get rid of me.
The old number four.
When a girl was hard to shake, we'd have a meeting at the frat house.
I get it.
How did it go with Anna? After Anna's kid destroyed the bathroom stall, the mood was kinda ruined.
It was like a Jackson Pollock in there.
On paper, the trash and treasures party was a good idea, but I don't think I'll be doing that again.
No matter what, things are weird with an ex.
Right.
Really messy.
That's why I never made a move on you or Katie.
What? Are you kidding? We're roommates, and I knew if I ever had sex with one of you or both of you or probably both of you at the same time.
When I wanted to stop which I definitely would.
You girls would never get over me.
- I'm not so sure about that.
- I am.
Did you ever think that maybe it was you who couldn't get over us after we tossed you aside like yesterday's newspaper? - That's what would happen.
- Right.
- I'm right.
- So wrong.
- You're wrong.
- Am I? - I think so.
- No, you are.
- Shut up.
- Make me.
What was that? Damn good kiss is what that was.
I know.
- But it was wrong.
- So wrong.
- Cause we're roommates.
- Let's pretend this never happened.
- Oh, my God.
- That was amazing.
But we're roommates.
I think it's best if we just stop now.
- Forget it happened and move on.
- To our second time? I had a really nice time with you.
It's OK.
You don't have to pretend anymore.
Mark isn't here.
I know.
I mean it.
It was really sweet that you made out with me all night.
You're welcome.
So you wanna take a bath? What kinda girl do you think I am? Buenos dias, Thomas.
Jo-jo, you speak!