Samantha Who? s01e12 Episode Script

I was reading an article, by which I mean I was watching TV.
It said happiness comes from realizing which things in life you just can't control, and then controlling them, even if it kills you.
Might not have been the lesson.
I was flipping around.
- So how did you and Todd leave it ? - Uh, we didn't.
Because he did all the leaving.
I know, he storms in the house, he kisses me, - yells at me and then he just left.
- Yeah, I got yelled at once by a guy right after he kissed me and my braces got stuck in his chewing gum.
He was a bad therapist.
What do you think it means ? Why would he do that ? I couldn't sleep at all last night because of it.
I'm sure he couldn't, either.
Probably had sex with Chloe to calm himself down.
Great, glad I could really help their relationship.
- Newly.
- Mr.
Chapman.
Oh, God, my heart can't take this anymore.
That's it.
You know what ? That's it.
I am not gonna care about anybody ever again.
- Sam, it's a dog.
- What ? You can't control love.
When I got my first Newfie, Newf Gingrich, I never took him on a walk.
I was afraid he'd get off the leash and run away.
And he was miserable.
Dogs are meant to get out, romp around, get messy, eat their neighbor's tulips sometimes.
It's part of their nature.
- Nature take its course ? - Let your heart be a dog.
- My dad's mad about those tulips.
- Call me when you talk to Todd.
Your friend, I want her.
Make it happen.
What ? Um you want to ask Dena out ? - Problem ? - Oh, God, so many.
- You know what I did this morning ? - No.
I wrote the final alimony check to my ex-wife.
Should be celebration, like the day my dad settled out of court.
But then I realized, the second the ink dried, that that was the last human connection I had in the world.
Now, I heard what your friend said about love.
And that's the type of attitude that I need in my life.
My heart's not a dog.
- I mean, I wish it were a dog.
- You know what, though ? Dogs are dogs are hard.
They're always dragging their butts across the floor So, what are you saying ? Your bottom line is no ? Everyone gets to be happy except me ? - Well, I'm no philosopher - You know what ? Go to the mall.
- Don't be mean.
Because I'm a woman - Your mall project.
- My what ? - The little $200 million development ? Groundbreaking today ? My mall project.
Right.
No, I thought you said "small project.
" And I don't do those.
Chapman actually started to talk to me about his feelings.
It was like if the toaster started talking about the weather.
He actually expected me to set him up with Dena.
- Oh, do it ! - What ? No way.
Do it ! Our best friend dates our boss, she becomes our pipeline.
We start to mention things that we want, and bam, we've got leather desk chairs that mold to the shape of your butt.
No, no, I am not gonna pimp Dena out.
I would never use somebody for that.
And since when is she your best friend ? Who got up in the middle of the night to pick her up when her stupid car ran out of gas last month ? Uh me.
So now all of a sudden you have a memory.
That's very convenient.
Good morning, Ms.
Newly.
Here's your hardhat and golden shovel.
I get a hardhat ? Oh, can you believe that this is all mine, - that I did this ? - It's her ! She did this ! - Who are they ? - Protesters.
- Well, what are they protesting ? - Butterfly killer ! Oh, right.
I'm just saying, as legal counsel, you are going to have problems if you build here.
The impact report says that this is the habitat for some endangered blue butterfly.
- Parenting books, golf, Ohio.
- What are you doing ? Oh, just listing other things that I couldn't give a crap about.
I am a killer.
I have butterfly blood on my hands ! Oh, I don't think they have blood.
They're like birds.
I mean, this is my legacy ? No, no, no.
That is not who I am anymore.
I have to get to Chapman and tell him to call this thing off.
Sure, you just need a way to pay back the $200 million.
Maybe a bake sale.
No, there's a way to get to him.
There has to be.
You know who needs to date more ? You.
- What ? - Yeah, you need a man.
I don't know.
Dating is dangerous for me.
I get too close too fast, and then I get hurt.
I'm like a sparrow that keeps flying into the same windowpane over and over and over and over and over Look who's here ! Mr.
Chapman ! What a surprise ! What's up ? Dena, you remember Mr.
Chapman ? Chase ? - Hello.
- Hello, yourself.
- Eyes up.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
So, how was how was Chapman after I left ? Really nice.
You always said what a creep he was.
Me ? No.
Yeah, remember you said, "He's so creepy.
He's always so super creepy.
" No.
I He is, oh, great.
I know.
I think so, too.
I think I'm seeing him again.
- Seeing who ? - Who ? Who, who let the owl in here ? I might see you guys at work today.
Chase asked me to stop by for lunch.
Oh, you know OK, it is not the same.
- You said we don't use our friends.
- Not for chairs.
If you want a butt chair, buy yourself a butt chair.
This is the only way that I can save a species.
I am doing this because I care about the world.
Oh, Sam, look.
Todd.
Oh, God.
Here we go.
It's the first talk since the kiss.
It's going to be weird.
What if we kiss again ? Hey, do I have coffee breath ? - Yes.
- I do ? I need a mint.
- So you and Chapman, huh ? - Yeah.
It's kind of exciting.
Oh ! Ow ! - What is it ? - Oh, it's just my back.
They have me sitting in these stupid chairs at work.
Ow ! - Well, hey.
- Hey.
How are you ? I'm good.
I'm real good.
Well, you got a newspaper there, huh ? Any big news in your life there lately ? Yeah.
Yeah, pretty big.
Really ? How big ? I got a job as a freelancer at the paper.
Look, that's my first photo.
I'm gonna go call my mom.
And tell her you're a robot ? - Hello.
Where are you off to ? - Out with Dena.
We are going to make topiaries.
That's all I know.
You're going to Clip Clip Hooray ? You refused to go with me.
- I guess it's cooler to go with Dena.
- Trust me, it is not.
No, it's a long story.
It's just, I'm trying to suck up to Dena Just do things with Dena that she likes to do, and she wants to give Chapman a topiary of his head.
Actually, it's not a long story because that's the story.
Funk, now Chapman.
That is two bosses you've let get away.
How poor does a man have to be before you date him ? - Not really a good subject right now.
- Why ? Oh, sweetheart, what's wrong ? - I kissed Todd the other night.
- Well, of course you did.
He makes, what, $800 a year ? No, I saw him today and he acted like nothing ever happened.
- Well, maybe it didn't.
- It did happen.
- Well, maybe you imagined it.
- I did not imagine being kissed.
You suffered a very serious head injury.
I can't believe you guys wanted to come here.
- You never want to.
- What ? Uh-huh.
Yeah, I always did.
I just I never thought we could get in.
So, hey, look what I made.
A moose head.
No, it's a butterfly ! Yeah.
Oh, speaking of which, have I talked to you about my mall project ? Hey, Deens, did you know an ergonomic chair can add ten years to your life ? Did you know that the Karner Blue Butterfly only breeds twice a year ? - You get scoliosis from bad chairs.
- These butterflies can only survive - on wild lupines.
Crazy, huh ? - My grandma has a hump.
- Save the butterflies ! - Sam, what is going on ? I'm upset.
This mall project is gonna wipe out an entire species of life from this planet, but no, please, let's hear more about your nana's hump.
- Oh, my.
That's awful.
- It is a big hump.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
But I just I don't have any idea how to talk to Mr.
Chapman about it.
Well, uh, I don't know.
Maybe Maybe I could talk to him about it.
Oh ! Hmm There's an idea.
Yeah, I mean, if you if you don't if you don't mind.
- You know, whatever.
- Hey ! I'm not here with you, I'm just here.
It's a free country.
Nice moose.
Well, hello.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- And how are you ? - Yes, you got a new chair.
I see that.
- How is it ? - It hurts.
Do you want it ? - I'm going for the cappuccino maker.
- No.
But thank you, Dena.
Let's go see what I've won.
Hey ! Hey ! I just had to stop by to, um Ah You have You have a little Just Never mind.
Did you talk to him about the mall project ? I sure did.
You bet.
Thank you.
Thank you.
He had some really good points.
Did you know that project is gonna inject cash into an impoverished area and create jobs and retail opportunities ? - He really won me over.
- Wait, it's still - It's still happening ? - Yeah.
So bottom line it for me : Does she like me or what ? Hey, hey, look what I found.
These are some old plans for the mall.
And in some of them in the early ones, they don't have to kill the butterflies.
So, if I can stall Chapman Could you stop ? - Sorry, just making a cappuccino.
- Yeah.
You got your cappuccino machine.
I'm glad this is working out.
But in my world, on Monday a bunch of bulldozers are killing butterflies.
So, what I need to do is I need to find a way that I can I can make Chapman halt the project so I can review Now you're just playing with it.
Ooh ! Hey, there.
Mr.
Chapman ! You are just the man that I wanted to see.
I just found - What does Dena say about me ? alternate plans.
- I don't know.
We don't discuss - Sure, you do.
Because here's the thing : I like her.
I wrote a poem about her.
Want to hear it ? Check it out.
"Here I go down this slippery slope, downward tumbling, softly mumbling" - I am just so uncomfortable.
- What can I buy her ? Women like stockings, right ? I saw that in a play.
You see, Sam, here's the thing : I feel like I might be coming on a little too strong.
Last night we were sitting on her couch, and my hand might have gone somewhere, but it was accidental.
I was only trying to retrieve a quarter.
Stop ! Because maybe you are.
Maybe What ? Coming on a little bit too strong, man.
See, Dena, she has this pattern where, if she starts to feel crowded, she just runs.
Am I crowding her ? Well, how will I know ? Can you find out ? Well, maybe.
But then you're gonna owe me, mister.
Crowding him ? That's what he said ? I was supposed to go see his band play and you're invited, too.
Oh, darn, that would have been fun.
Look, just back off a little bit.
You know ? Just show a little indifference.
I told you I do this, you know.
I get too close too fast.
Oh, God ! I never should have given him the mug with my face on it.
You were right.
Never care.
Never care ! It's like the windowpane.
Here it comes again and again and again Wait, no, no, no.
Dena.
Dena.
Sh.
Sh.
Sh.
Just listen to me.
I can help you.
You just need to do exactly what I say.
OK, now she won't even return my phone calls and she didn't even come to see my band, and I played cowbell on Sister Christian.
Mm Hard song.
Look, it's, um it's a little bit worse than I thought.
Her old boyfriend came into town.
What ? No ! No ! Sam, I blew it.
I can't lose her.
I miss her fingers.
- I miss the way her skin tastes.
- Anyway - You have to help me get her back.
- I don't want to get involved.
- I will do anything.
- Postpone the mall project.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Done.
Hey, Dena ? It worked.
Yeah.
Oh, God, yeah.
He misses you terribly.
So you may answer his call.
OK, bye.
Yes, you are very pretty.
But if I lose a friend over this, I am going to make a wind chime out of you and your entire family.
Where we first met.
I love that you brought me here.
Like it.
I like it.
I like it.
- It's OK.
- Yep.
Scene of the crime.
- See anything you like ? - Oh, you know, whatever.
- I'm pretty indifferent.
- Really ? I'm thinking I'll have a salad.
OK, who is he ? - What ? - Sam told me not to say anything, and I'm so sorry that I'm not really cool about everything, but I'm a human being.
If you cut me, I bleed.
Doesn't even have to be the biggest cut.
My body produces fewer clotting factors, - so the smallest bleeding - What are you talking about ? Coming ! Coming, coming, gosh ! - Shame on you ! - Wow.
So many of my conversations start out like that.
You sold my heart for your job ? I'm supposed to be your friend, and you took advantage of me.
I'm beginning to wonder if you even wanted to do topiary.
Dena, we could just spend all night trying to figure out who did what to who - and why - You don't have to say why you did it.
You did it because you could.
I'm just glad that I still have one friend that I can count on.
Come on, Andrea, Chase is taking us to karaoke.
Karaoke ? Yay ! Whoo ! And Sam, Chase says the bulldozers roll in the morning.
Yeah.
Karaoke with the boss.
Could have been you.
I figured I was the one who started this, so I'm here to give these butterflies a voice.
Or maybe they they have voices.
I really don't know.
But if they do, they're probably pretty small, like, "Help us ! We are here !" I don't know.
But now we are here and no one is going to leave this spot until these butterflies are safe ! Yes ! Except for you.
And you, too.
Hey ! Wait a minute ! Where are you going ? Wait ! The color scheme of the hallway and in the bedroom here ? I put it on the walls and on the wainscoting there.
You like that ? I thought Isn't it pronounced wainscoting ? - I don't know what it's called.
- I actually thought it What ? What ? Um Them.
- Oh, no, just ignore them.
- Really ? - Yeah.
- Because they're staring at me.
- They can't really see anything.
- It's really unsexy.
I can do this.
If I turn on the TV, they'll go right to sleep.
Chapman and Funk say nature is junk ! I know I'm probably gonna lose my job over this.
- I don't care, because you know what ? - It's Sam.
You can't do a corrupting job and stay uncorrupted.
And now I have let it corrupt my friendships.
You know I wrote you an erotic poem that - Shh ! - See, when you find something that is beautiful and delicate in this world, you have to protect it.
Not just use it up and shove it aside just 'cause you can.
I forgive you, Sam.
- The dogs are sleeping now, so maybe - I said "shh !" Is that how we take care of our wings ? I know it's just a bulldozer scoop, but it does say a little something about how you were raised.
- Why are you here ? - Well, you're all over the local news.
I tuned in to see what dangers were lurking on my kitchen counters, - and there you were.
- How did I look ? You looked natural.
Like like it suited you better.
- Better than what ? - Better than that job of yours.
When I first saw you on TV doing this, I I felt a real swell of pride.
I didn't know what it was at first, it had been so long.
I thought maybe I had gotten some bad sour cream or something, but I'm very proud of you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
And for the scarf, because I was actually starting to get a little cold.
It was not for the cold.
On TV, your neck looked kind of crepe-y.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
This is it.
This is it.
Mom ? Mom.
Mom.
Mom ! Wake up, wake up, wake up ! I'm doing it ! I'm doing it ! This is new me.
The new me.
I'm taking a stand.
I am making a difference right here in front of this bulldozer.
Hey, what ? Dude, dude, dude ! What ? Oh, for Pete's sake.
Sweetheart ? Put the scarf on.
So, yeah, the toughest part about being new and trying to change is figuring out which things are even in your power to control, and which things are not.
Just tell me, Frank.
I need to see Todd, so is Chloe up there or not ? Because, you know, I just quit my job, so I can wait here all day.
That's not very impressive.
I wait here all day every day.
My feet hurt.
You ! Stop ! You can see me.
I'm not invisible.
Look, um Sorry I blew you off when I saw you the other day.
I panicked.
That wasn't my photo in the paper.
I don't even have a job there.
The truth is, I shouldn't have kissed you because I'm with Chloe and I need to give that a chance, so Lose some sleep over that.
Ha ha ! It really is the hardest part : That despite our very best efforts, some things just aren't meant to be, while things that are meant to be they seem to find a way.
Hey, there, cute little guy.
Ooh.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, better from far.
Oh, yeah, way better.