Sanford and Son (1972) s01e12 Episode Script

Pop, I'm home! Hey, Pop! Hey, Pop.
- Hello, son.
- You wanna help me unload this truck? I was reading the paper.
That "Dear Abby.
" You ever read that? - No.
You wanna help me unload this? - Wait.
Let me read you one of'em.
"Dear Abby, my husband refuses to bathe.
I have used all kinds of hints, but nothing helps.
I leave soap lying around.
And once I even filled the tub and tried to push him in accidentally.
But nothing seems to work.
He still won't take a bath.
What do you advise? Signed, Gas Mask.
" - You wanna help me unload this truck? - Wait.
Let me read you one more.
Listen to this.
"Dear Abby, my husband and I have not spoken to each other for five years.
I hate to be the first one to talk but it looks like I might have to because I'm going to have a baby.
Should I tell him or should I wait till he notices something? Signed, Stubborn.
" Put that paper down and help me unload this truck.
Problems.
People got problems.
- And I see I got me one.
- What? Look.
Junk, junk, junk.
That's our business, isn't it? But this kind of junk make real junk look bad.
What are you talking about? - Look at them old big tires.
- These are snow tires.
Snow tires? In Southern California? That just shows you what you know.
People use these all the time to get up the mountains to those ski resorts.
Oh, yes.
Our neighbors are there all the time skiing and yodeling.
- Look at this trash.
- Trash? This is good.
This is aluminum.
"Alulimum"? That's nothin' but old pot metal.
Ain't worth nothin'.
How long you been with me now, Lamont? What do you mean, how long have I been with you? Since I was born.
Has it been that long? Come on, Pop.
All this time in the business and you still haven't developed an eye for junk.
I pick up what I can.
- Look at this.
What is this? - What's it look like? You must have found it in an alley.
No, I bought it at Saks Fifth Avenue.
Don't you know people put garbage in stuff like this? Fill it up with garbage and then throw it out in the alley.
That's another thing you haven't developed is a nose for junk.
I'm not gonna go around smelling the stuff.
When you find something like this, what you should do is step on it.
And if it squishes, then you don't want it.
- All right, I'll just throw it away.
- Wait a minute.
Don't throw it away.
I just wanna give you a lesson in this business.
- A lesson in this business.
- Yeah.
Look at this here.
Garbage.
It's money, Pop.
It's filled with money.
My heart.
My heart.
I ain't never seen that much money in my life.
Hey, Lamont, come here.
Come here and open it up and see if the money's still in there.
Look at that, Pop.
Stacks of twenties, fifties, hundreds.
I can't believe it.
I can't stand it.
I ain't gonna make it.
You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you, honey rich.
Would you Would you stop that, Pop.
This is no time to have a heart attack.
We're rich.
We can retire.
Yeah.
No more getting up at 6:00 to get that old stupid truck started by 8:00.
Forty-five years of hard work keeping my nose to the grindstone wheelin' and dealin' and coordinatin'.
And finally it all paid off.
You found a satchel full of money.
Hey, Pop, let's move.
- And get a new home? - Why not? We can afford it now.
- Where would we move to? - We could move to Beverly Hills.
Beverly Hills.
You think the neighbors will let us live there? Well, Wilt Chamberlain lives in Beverly Hills.
We better get a house next to Wilt 'cause he'll let us.
And we could travel, Pop.
All around the world.
- Anyplace we wanna go now.
- Yeah, I could go to St.
Louis.
I mean we could take a cruise.
We could take a cruise to one of those tropical islands.
- That'd be good for my arthritis.
- Yeah.
It's the police.
They followed me here.
They're gonna think we stole this money.
Don't put it there.
That's too close to the door.
Wait a minute.
Lamont, wait a minute.
Settle down.
That's not the police.
They're not coming.
That's a fire truck.
What are we doing, Pop? This isn't even our money.
- We got to turn this in.
- Turn it in? Listen.
You found it.
In the Bible it says, "Finders keepers, losers weepers.
" Where does it say that? Right next to that part where it says, "Seek and ye shall find.
" This is what I figured happened, Pop.
This money came from a bank robbery 'cause there's too much of it to come from anyplace else.
Now, I figure crook A robbed this money from the bank and he left it in the alley for crook B.
But I got there before crook B.
And now A and B are looking for me.
I don't care if C, D and E are lookin' for Y-O-U.
I'm not gonna give up this M-O-N-E-Y.
Listen, Pop.
Let's turn the money in.
We'll get a reward.
- Turn it in? Are you crazy? - I read it in the papers 100 times.
"Honest citizen returns money to bank.
" Then it always goes on to say how they gave him a reward and a nice steady job.
Yeah.
Twenty-five dollars, a white uniform and a broom.
Pop, we gotta turn it in.
If the bank doesn't track this money down, those crooks will.
That's just you imagining something.
Why you always imagine all that stuff? Pop, I bet you those crooks followed me home.
Who? They didn't follow you home when you came in.
I didn't see nobody.
Uh-huh.
There's a strange car parked on the other side of the street.
And it wasn't there when I came in.
Come over here, Pop.
- Come on.
It's right over here.
- Where? - You see on the other side? - What's strange about it? It's been parked in this neighborhood for over five minutes and it's still got tires.
Listen.
Why you keep going around imagining a bunch of stuff? You found a satchel full of money.
Go enjoy it and spend it.
No, Pop, it makes me too nervous.
Give it to me.
I ain't nervous.
I'm nervous when I ain't got it.
And when I got it, it calms me down.
Then you'll be in trouble.
It's only a matter of time before Uh-huh.
You see that? Now, those are the crooks.
- They came to get the money.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Settle down, will ya? Calm yourself.
- What are you gonna do? - I'm giving it to 'em.
- I don't want no trouble.
- Wait a minute, son.
We don't want it.
Take it.
L Excuse me, lady.
I thought you was somebody else.
I'm sorry.
Just a minute.
Could you show me some fireplace equipment? I'm awfully sorry.
We're closed today.
But I saw something very nice in your yard.
Couldn't you just show it to me? - We're closed, lady.
- We're closed because it's a holiday.
It's a holiday.
What holiday? I don't know anything about it.
You wouldn't know nothin' about this holiday.
- It's Booker T.
Washington's.
- George Washington Carver's.
- It's George Washington Carver's.
- Booker T.
Washington.
It's a holiday.
- She's going away.
- That's good.
Say, Pop.
Listen.
We got to give this money to the police 'cause it's just too nerve-racking having it around here.
Listen, son.
You got to think.
Ain't no law that says when you found something that you got to return it or give it back.
- I bet you there is.
- Bet.
That's a bet.
- I bet you $5.
00.
- Bet.
- How we gonna find out? - I'll call the police.
I should've done this from the start.
Hello.
Operator? Let me have the police.
They'll settle this thing.
Hello, Police.
My name is Jay Rupperow.
I was wondering if you could settle a little argument.
Another gentleman and myself were sitting in the steam room in our club and the subject of finding money came up.
If someone was to find money in the street would he be able to keep it or would he have to turn it in? I see.
Uh-huh.
Would you mind repeating that for the other gentleman? Here he is now.
Hello.
This is the other gentleman in the steam room at the club.
What were you telling him about finding money in the street? Uh-huh.
Well, listen.
What if they found it in a alley? Thank you ver Thank you very much.
- You heard him.
Give me $5.
00.
- What? You heard him.
If you find some money in the street, you have to turn it in.
If nobody claims it after six months, you get to keep it.
You lost the bet, so give me five bucks.
- You got any change? - Put that back in.
I'm gonna take this money down to the police.
Wait a minute, Lamont.
Ain't you afraid to go out there with all that money? What if them crooks are out there like you said? Yeah.
That's the only thing.
What you should do is call the police and have them come and pick it up.
- That sounds like a good idea.
- In the meantime, we'll keep this safe.
We'll put it in the safe.
See? - I'll just put this in here.
- Wait a minute.
What's that in there? There's nothin' in there.
Just some old insurance policies and some stuff like that and your baby shoes.
So that's where the peanut brittle went.
I did it for your own good.
I didn't want your face to break out.
- Thanks a lot.
- Don't blame me 'cause you got your mother's sensitive skin.
I just shut this up in here.
Then it's safe.
- Good.
You got the combination? - Uh-huh.
- Where is it? - In the safe.
What? Oh, Pop.
Well, I guess the money's gonna have to stay here for a while.
That was smart.
The money's in the safe and you don't know the combination.
I know it.
It's locked in there on a piece of paper, but I know it.
What is it? There's just one thing that I'm not too sure about.
What? It's something to the left and something to the right.
Then something to the left again.
What are the numbers? That's the part I'm not too sure about.
Then you don't know it.
I'm gonna call the police.
If you can't figure out the combination to that safe, they can get in there.
Hello.
Operator? Let me have the police, please? Listen.
Just don't call the police.
Call our friends, Swanee and Smitty.
Police are police.
What difference does it make? You bring a strange white policeman in this neighborhood and show him a satchel with $50,000 in it he'll show you the difference.
- You're just try Hello.
Police? - Ask for Smitty.
I wonder if I can speak to Officer Smith or Swanhauser.
Well, when they do, would you ask them to call Sanford and Son? Yeah, they know us.
And tell 'em it's important.
Thank you.
They're not on duty yet.
In the meantime, would you please try and come up with that combination? I'll get my glasses so I can see the numbers on the dial.
Just settle on one pair of glasses and be done with it.
- You always go through this.
- I need all these glasses.
Some of'em are for TV.
Some of'em for reading.
And some of'em for sewing.
- These are them.
- What are those for? These are the glasses to help me find the glasses that I need to find.
Here they are.
Come on over here.
I'll show you how to do it.
See, I had a way of remembering.
A system, like.
- When was the stock market crash? '29.
- That's right.
- And World War II ended in '45, right? - That's right.
And what year was the riots in Watts? '65.
Correct? Correct.
That ain't it.
You don't know it.
You don't know nothing.
I know history.
Would you please try and come up with the combination? Wait.
I remember.
I saw George Raft do this in a movie once.
He had been shot and he was the only one that knew the combination to a safe where some very important government papers were.
So he leaned over by the safe and put his ear near it so he could hear the tumblers.
There's the police now, and you still don't know the number.
I should have never let you lock that money in there in the first place.
Who is it, Lamont? Is it Smitty or Swanee? Lamont, who is it? Is it Great day in the mornin'! Shut up.
Get your hands in the air.
The other one.
Both of them! It's the phone.
- Were you expecting a call? - I wasn't expecting a call.
Were you? I wasn't expecting a call.
Were you? - We weren't expecting no call.
- Shut up! Just keep your mouth closed and answer that phone.
- Me? - No, the old buzzard.
Come on.
And make it fast.
Hello.
Sanford and Son.
Oh, Swanee.
- Who's Swanee? - He's a friend of ours.
He was named after the river.
Hello.
What? I sound like I'm out of breath? No, we're just doing inventory.
And I'm coordinatin'.
And when I coordinate, I get breathless.
I know I called you.
And when I called you, I needed you.
But I don't need you no more.
If I need you, I'll call you.
Yeah, I gotta go now.
I gotta go now.
I have a customer here and I'm looking at some iron.
Bye.
You picked up a suitcase in an alley, right? - Did you see me, and did you follow me? - Why? Did you see me follow you? No, I didn't see you follow me.
Did you see him follow me? I didn't see him follow you.
Did you see him see you followin' him? - We didn't see anybody follow anybody.
- Just shut up.
Both of you.
Now, I know this suitcase is in this house.
Let me have it.
It's here, but my father locked it in the safe and he forgot the combination.
He did, huh? It's funny how you can know something all your life and then forget it.
It's just pop right out of your mind.
You know? Isn't that true, son? You just forget it.
And you know you know it.
You heard him.
Open it.
And get it out fast.
Come on.
Let me have it.
All right, come on.
Get down here.
Now, I hope you guys didn't take any of this.
Just out of curiosity, how much money's in there? Shut up.
- Give me some rope.
- Rope? - Rope.
For tying people up.
- We don't have no rope.
- You thinking of junk - Over in the bureau in the right-hand side of the drawer.
Get it.
You, sit down.
You tie him up.
Tie him up! Here.
Come on.
Do you know how to tie? - Yeah, I know how to tie.
- Well, tie.
- I'm tyin'.
- Now, here.
Here.
Tie it around his mouth.
You not gonna shoot me? You wouldn't shoot an old man with arthritis.
Sit down here.
Get back.
Get back out of sight.
Come on! Come here.
You answer it.
Get rid of'em fast.
Tell 'em you're closed.
You got that? We're following through on your request for possible assistance.
- How can we be of service? - Yeah, what's happening? Everything's fine.
What's the matter, Fred? You got something in your eye? Yeah, it's the smog.
The smog is real bad today.
Indeed it is.
If all citizens would only pull together in the fight against pollution you wouldn't have to suffer, and we'd have clean air for our children.
If everything's okay, we're gonna split.
Yes, that's progress for you.
They can send a man to the moon but they can't do anything about your burning eyes.
- Swanee, let's go.
- This is a serious human problem.
- We're an endangered species.
- We'll see you, Fred.
Come on.
Get over here.
Get over here, you! Get over to the table.
All right, sit down.
Don't go near the door.
Stay away from the phone.
Don't look out the window.
And no yelling.
You got that? I didn't hear what you said after you said "sit down.
" But don't go near the door.
Don't answer the phone.
Don't look out the window.
And no yelling.
- Right on.
- That's ours.
Shut up! I tried.
I tried, Lamont.
I tried to signal Smitty and Swanee.
But, you know, he had a gun in my back.
What could I do? That's easy for you to say.
Smitty, Swanee, you caught him.
Your erratic behavior at the door aroused our suspicion so we staked out for further surveillance.
You were acting kind of weird, so we hung around.
You rotten old fink.
You cost me 70 thou.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! How would you like one across your lip? Hold me, Brother Smith.
I'm sure glad they held on to him 'cause I'd have had to hurt him.
See that, son? Swanee and Smitty got my message after all.
You see, people can talk with their eyes.
Did you know that? Seem like Seem like you trying to say something to me now.
Would you say that again? Can you furnish the precise time the suspect executed his forced entry into the above-described premises? What time did the cat bust into your pad? It was about 3:30.
That's right.
It was 3:30 'cause the old clock there said 3:30.
It says 3:30 now.
It always says 3:30.
But it still ain't a bad buy for nine dollars.
Eight dollars? - What was the time? - It was 3:30.
I checked my watch.
Where was the money at that time? Money was in the safe.
Right over there.
I told him put it in the safe.
It'll be safe until y'all came to pick it up.
- That safe over there? - Yeah, that's the one.
I had the satchel.
Come over here.
I'll show you what I did.
See? I put the satchel right here in the Wells Fargo and then shut the door like this.
And then it was safe.
The safest safe in town.
- Okay, you can take it out now.
- Huh? Open the safe.
- The combination is inside the safe.
- What? But don't get excited.
I can open it.
See, I saw George Raft in a picture once.
And he put his ear to the safe like this so he could hear the sound of the tumblers.
I just remembered.
He died before he could get it open.
So I guess the money's gonna have to stay here for a little while.
Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.