Saved By The Bell (1989) s01e12 Episode Script

(bell rings) When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning I don't think I'll ever make it on time By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by It's all right 'Cause I'm saved by the bell If the teacher pops a test, I know I'm in a mess And my dog ate all my homework last night Ridin' low on my chair, she won't know that I'm there If I can hand it in tomorrow it will be all right It's all right 'Cause I'm saved by the bell It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the bell.
(organ plays "The Wedding March") This is the greatest day of my school life.
As part of the social science project, I'm marrying Kelly.
It's the first assignment where I can't wait to tackle the homework.
Mr.
Belding, what are you doing here? - I'm here to marry you.
- Well, you're not my type.
Button it, Zack, or you'll be honeymooning in detention.
Buttoned, sir.
Class, your regular teacher, Miss Laurette, eloped last night with the shop teacher.
So I'm taking her place.
- Let's get started.
- Why do I have to marry Screech? Yeah, and why did Preppie wind up with my Kelly? Your Kelly? May I remind you, Slater, that no woman is your possession.
She's right.
Kelly's mine.
Miss Turtle, all the couples were matched alphabetically.
I'm changing my name to Zigowitz.
Couples, your grade will be determined by how well you communicate and handle life's little differences.
Now, do you boys take these girls to be your school wives? You bet! I guess.
Wahoo! That's what Mrs.
Belding said when we got married.
- Girls? - I do.
- I do.
- I don't! Lisa, it's only five days.
Wahoo.
I now pronounce you school husbands and wives.
Our experiment will conclude Friday night at the Max.
Hope you're still speaking to each other by then.
I think pretend marriage is a great way to learn about life.
I think a pretend honeymoon would be better.
I'll pretend you didn't say that.
What's wrong with it, Mrs.
Slater? Mrs.
Slater? If I really married you, I wouldn't use your last name.
- Whose last name would you use? - Mine.
This chick's crazy.
I bet you want me to have the kids, too? If you think you have the stomach for it.
Very funny.
But I would expect you to stay home and take care of them.
Lots of men take care of the kids when the wife works.
The wife works.
Hey, I like that concept.
I stay home and watch "Young and The Restless.
" You sound like "The Blond and The Useless.
" Good one, darling.
I think humor is very important in keeping a marriage together.
Oh yeah.
Other things are important, too.
Really, Slater? Well, sure.
Trust, understanding and great legs.
Zack: Yeah.
- You macho pig.
- Oink, oink, baby.
What do you think is the most important thing about a marriage? That's easy, kissing.
- That's terrible.
- Not the way I do it, Peach Cake.
Lisa, a wedding surprise for you.
Wow, is this from you, Max? (instrumental pop music playing) (knocking on door) Come in.
Screech, what are you doing here? Don't talk.
Let's go where the music takes us.
It's gonna take you right out the door.
What's with the suitcase? Now that we're married, I'm moving in.
We are not married.
Take a reality pill.
You're beautiful when you're angry.
Look what you're doing to me! Yeah, you do strange things to me, too.
Where do you want my white mice? Inside of a white cat.
Now will you please leave? Don't fight it.
Tell me how you really feel.
Out! I forgot to kiss you goodbye.
(groans) Dear Lord, thanks for everything you've given me today except of course, for Screech.
(alarm ringing) Time to get up, darling.
The morning sunrise is no match for you.
Let's work out.
Help! Someone save me! Hold me, honey.
I'll protect you.
All right, everyone, now today, we've turned the classroom into a newlywed's apartment.
Our first couple is Mr.
And Mrs.
Slater.
- Spano-Slater please.
- How modern.
Here's your situation.
You both work and arrive home at dinnertime.
And you're hungry, okay? Places.
Let's watch, darling.
It can only help us grow together.
- Okay.
- I'm home.
Great, I'm starved.
Me too.
What are you fixing for dinner? (scoffs) Nothing.
I'm a guy.
Slater! Well, why don't you just call me what you usually call me? What's that? Tiger Man.
Look, Slater, since we both work we should share the household chores.
- Fine.
You cook, I'll eat.
- Zack: Yeah! Haven't you ever heard of the Women's Movement? Well, sure.
Put on something cute and move it into the kitchen.
Mr.
Belding, he doesn't want a wife, he wants a maid.
Would he settle for a mother-in-law? Okay, then that's the problem you two will have to work out.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
Now, our next couple is the Morris-Kapowskis.
I'm an old-fashioned girl.
Mrs.
Morris will be fine.
Kelly Morris.
Wow.
I've died and gone to heaven.
Now, here is their situation.
A tearful Kelly has wrecked Zack's car.
(crowd "Oohs") Belding: Okay.
Zack, I've done something terrible.
Who cares? Kiss me.
Zack, affection does not solve all problems.
- Solves mine.
- Try again.
Zack, I totaled your new Ferrari.
- I don't know what to say.
- You poor, poor thing.
You're too upset to talk right now.
Very good, Zack.
Let's kiss until you calm down.
Heel, Zack.
I think you should calm down.
Now, for our third couple.
Is it the Turtle-Powers? It's the Turtles.
I'm taking her name.
Okay, Screech has just lost his job and comes home looking for comfort.
Lisa? Okay.
Oh, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.
(Spanish accent) Lisa no en casa.
I love it when you speak German.
What do you want? I was fired today.
So? I don't think I have the strength to go on living.
Okay.
Lisa, your husband needs more support.
Hold me.
As long as I have you, I have the strength to go on.
(sneezing) Is something wrong, Lisa? Mr.
Belding, I can't go on with this.
I'm allergic to Screech.
Darling, I won't leave you while you're ill.
- Let me take care of you.
- (Lisa wheezes) Whoa.
I think you are allergic to him.
I have no choice but to annul this marriage.
Annul? Does this mean that Lisa and I aren't married anymore? Afraid so, Screech.
(sobbing) - Screech.
- Screech.
What? Now, usually, our married couples get a sack of flour to simulate the responsibility of a child.
Believe me, it's the driest baby you'll ever have.
But this year I've changed the rules.
And guess what, they're not babies! You're getting teenagers! Why teenagers? So you can understand why your parents' hair is turning gray.
- Who are they? - I'm glad you asked.
Behind these two doors are a son and a daughter.
It's kind of like, "Let's Make a Deal.
" Zack and Kelly, why don't you pick first? Daddy! He's not my son.
There must have been a mix-up at the hospital.
No.
What a hot mommy.
Slater, we're both having this child.
Lisa, our baby.
I'm not a baby.
I'm a young woman.
I want a big allowance, no curfew, and my own phone.
Okay? You sound just like your mother.
Screech, what are you doing with that toothpaste? I'm making a symbolic statement.
Lisa has given me the brush.
Come on, Screech, it's not that bad.
Oh, yeah? I started out the week as a single teenager.
All of a sudden I'm Lisa's husband.
Now I'm Kelly and Zack's kid.
By tomorrow I'll probably be Jessie's dog.
Screech, this is just make-believe.
Ha! Maybe for you it was.
For me it was the real thing.
My moment in time.
You got a problem with that, dimples? Screech, what are you doing? All right, look Screech, come out of there.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
In fact, I think I can help you with Lisa.
Help with Lisa? I'll be right down.
Screech? Come on.
Don't worry, I won't hurt you.
Now, what about my woman? Come here.
Lisa's my daughter now, and my daughter listens to me when it comes to things like what boys she dates.
I thought you said that was all make-believe.
But she needs a good grade, and that's real.
She has to listen to her daddy.
Would you do that for me? That depends on what you would do for me.
I could teach you how to drink a Slurpie through your nose.
Well, that's a start.
So, dealing with the unexpected is one of the keys to a successful marriage.
Now, Zack, desires a romantic evening alone with Kelly.
- Boy, do I.
- I am talking about the assignment.
Kelly has plans of her own.
Okay.
Honey, I'm home.
I have a surprise for you, Zack.
A surprise? Dad, my bike has a flat tire.
Put a Band-Aid on it.
- What were you saying, honey? - Zack, he's your child.
- He just wants your attention.
- Attention? All right.
I'll give him more attention.
Son - get lost.
- Zack? Mom, Dad's not relating to me.
He's right, Zack.
That's no way to treat your son.
But you're doing a good job, Mom.
Keep it up.
Screech, I'm sorry.
Now let go of Mommy, and go to your room.
No.
- I'm your father.
Go! - Mom, call 911! There's nothing to worry about.
Your father loves you.
Don't you, Zack? Tell him.
I l-love you, Screech.
You're just saying that to get close to Mommy.
I know, Dad.
Mr.
Belding, Screech is acting like a jerk.
Well, teenagers are often annoying one minute, and perfect angels the next.
You should know that.
Now, what was the big surprise for me? I'm gonna have another baby.
Great.
That's all I need is Screech, part two.
Wonderful.
Zack, you are a terrible father.
I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't like children.
Kelly, what are you saying? - I'm leaving.
- I'm going, too.
I'll send for my ant farm.
This is awful.
If I can't stay married to Kelly, she'll never go out with me.
You know, Jessie, I've been selfish about our marriage.
I'm going to stay home, and raise our little Lisa so that you can be a full-time lawyer.
Well, Slater, I am impressed.
Spare me.
I want to have at least seven kids.
Great, so I'll have to take a number to get into the bathroom.
Seven kids? Slater, I don't know No, no, no.
It's all right, darling.
I'll give up my career, and take care of them all.
Why? Because I'm a good father.
Knock, knock, knock.
Mr.
Spano-Slater, I've come to take your daughter Lisa to the movies.
How sweet.
Lisa's not home right now, so when you hear the beep, hang up.
Beep.
She's home.
I see her right there.
Well, Screech, I'm sorry, buddy.
I did my best.
Thanks for coming over.
Wait a second.
You promised me a date with Lisa if I broke up Kelly and Zack.
- What? - What? - What? - Ooops! Kids, you never know what they're going to say.
You have made a mockery out of mock marriage.
- I'm failing all of you.
- Let's be fair about this, sir.
We shouldn't all fail.
Just Screech and Slater.
Why me? They're fathers, I'm just a kid.
You are all to blame for bringing your personal rivalries into this project.
Slater, why did you try to break up Zack and Kelly's marriage? Because I wanted to be married to Kelly.
Home wrecker.
You stay away from my mommy.
- She's not your mommy.
- Is that true, Daddy? I'm not your daddy! Great! Now I'm an orphan.
What a week! Boys, I am very disappointed in all of you.
At least the girls found out about you before it was too late.
You're right, Mr.
Belding.
We really acted like jerks.
- We're sorry.
- Yeah.
Will you let us back into the project? That's really up to the girls, now, isn't it? Well, if the girls say no, will you be my daddy? Max, thanks for letting us use your place for our project.
Think of it as another classroom.
- Good evening.
- Good evening, Max.
Your wife and daughter are here, Mr.
Slater.
Thank you, Max.
Ladies, you both look dynamite tonight.
Let me help you with this, honey.
It's not necessary, but thank you.
I hope you'll forgive me for promising you to Screech, dear.
All right, I forgive you.
Now, let's eat.
- Can I take your order? - I'll order for everyone, Max.
Thank you, Slater, but you know I like to order for myself.
I sit corrected.
What's the most expensive thing on the menu, Max? The most expensive thing on the menu, would have to be the duck.
Do you have anything that's dead? - How about a Max burger? - I'll have one with everything.
Three Max Burgers, Max.
Slater, you're ordering for me again.
I can't help it, Jessie.
I think the husband should be the man.
If the husband's a real man, he wouldn't be threatened by a woman who knows what she wants.
You know, Jessie, you're really a great girl, but I think we should break up before I "send you to the moon.
" Slater, what about our grade? Jessie, two people like us should never be married.
- It's the truth, isn't it? - Yeah, I guess so.
It's like the roadrunner marrying the coyote.
Great! Does this mean I have to pay for my own burger? - Good evening.
- Hey.
Thanks, Max.
Thanks for coming.
So, what have you been doing since I've been away? The usual.
How about you? Well, I've been sitting in my room watching "Brady Bunch" reruns.
You could always make me laugh, Zack.
It's a shame we don't feel the same way about our family and children.
Maybe that's because I was an only child and wanted all of your attention for myself.
- How's our son, little Screech? - Talks about you all the time.
Really? - Thank you.
- Hope you like tonight's special.
It's a little surprise Max cooked up.
So would you consider giving me another chance? I'd have to think about it.
Hi, Dad.
Son.
How I've missed him.
Daddy, where are you? It's dark in here.
So what do you say? Will you take me back? Give him another chance, Mom.
I need a new bike.
Well, Zack, can you accept the fact that it's hard to be alone when you have children? I can do it.
I mean, I want to do it.
Yeah, but at times it's nice to be alone, too.
Excuse me, time's up.
- Our project is over.
- Hey, wait.
We're working on extra credit.
Mr.
Belding, I'm sorry, Slater and I couldn't make our marriage work.
Jessie, sometimes two people just aren't compatible.
The important thing is that both couples tried to communicate and they succeeded.
I think you all learned a lot about yourselves.
All of you pass.
Good work.
- All right.
Thanks.
- Thank you.
Zack, I have that surprise for you.
You do? Remember in our project I told you about another child? - Well, it was a girl.
- A girl.
That's great.
Da-da! (instrumental theme music plays)