Scrubs s01e12 Episode Script

What? I didn't say anything.
I didn't do anything.
What imaginary slight have you concocted in that paranoid brain of yours? Crap.
Shouldn't there be some sort of sign Look at that.
You should put it back down before someone slips and falls.
Good, because I make most decisions based on your opinion.
I'm thinking of splitting up with the wife.
Maybe you could mull that over.
Get back to me.
Floor's wet, ma'am.
Little help over here.
Little help.
Move it or lose it, Q-tip.
Q- Tip.
Cos you're skinny and your head's fuzzy.
Something's going down.
Bring it in here, you knuckleheads.
Take a knee if you need to.
I have been on since midnight, so I stand here with my usual contempt for all of you but with the added wrinkle of having 13 cups of piss-poor excuse for coffee passing straight through me.
The not-so-hidden message being, that if you screw up today I'm going to hit you hard and fast.
Now, then, I think some of you may have noticed that all 27 of the patients that were here in the ICU when I started last night are still alive and I intend for them to still be breathing when I get the hell outta here tonight at midnight.
I think you understand what kind of opportunity we have in front of us.
- What opportunity - Shut up! In baseball, when a pitcher's hot no one talks to him, just stay out of his way.
- Why are you talking about baseball? - Cos you should never jinx a pitcher when he has a chance to throw a perfect game.
My God, Barbie how do you put your bra and panties on in the morning all by yourself? It's remarkable.
- See, cos he's the pitcher - Yeah, I get it now.
A chance to be part of a perfect game is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
It just never happens.
Which is why I don't mind Dr Cox paging me for the 13th time this last hour.
ICU is where the most critical cases get turfed.
So many patients die here, you think of death as another co-worker looking over your shoulder with the same demands as everyone else you work with.
Dr Dorian I know you're busy, but my daughter's selling cookies.
Put me down for two boxes of mint thingies.
She's in second place in her troop.
If that girl who's in first keeps doing well, we're just gonna take her.
Did you think you were gonna cash it in? In your face.
You're fine, thank you.
Barbie.
Whatever you need, I'm your girl.
Get me 30 grams of Kayexalate.
Don't dilly-dally trying to refill your Prozac.
You're on my time now.
Go.
Nervous guy.
Go to bed 18 and get me his tox screen.
Cross your fingers the news is good.
If it's not, I'm blaming you.
Newbie, start a drain on the purulent pericarditis in bed 23.
He's a tricky bastard.
He's tried to die five times on me today.
- Keep an eye on him.
- I'm your wingman, Maverick.
I was watching Top Gun.
Did you know that Goose is the guy from ER? No, I didn't.
But, but please, keep talking.
You have to keep an eye on things around here cos just when it seems everything's going great that's when the tiniest thing can throw it all outta whack.
What are you doing? When the lunch lady asked if you wanted fries, you said no.
- Yeah, but I wanted fries.
- So why didn't you order fries? Cos I can't have French fries.
Duh.
Here.
Have 'em all.
Have a fry salad.
What the? Turk? Baby, come on.
Girlfriend, you know I cannot have French fries.
Dr Dorian, I need a favour.
- I'm crazy busy today.
- That's just fine, kiddo.
I won't make the board meeting today.
I'm going to be tied up at Dr Dorian's pity party.
Should I bring something? I could rent a clown.
A drunk clown hurt me once.
Just listen to the damn lawyer.
Go, Tom.
It's Ted.
But hey, it's only been 12 years.
One of the social workers that covers this hospital slipped and knocked herself unconscious.
She might turn around and sue us.
If that happens, some of the higher-ups' heads could roll.
The point is that people are less likely to sue an institution if we can put a friendly face on it.
You've got a friendly face.
But, sir, I Sacred Heart is calling for your help.
Will you accept the call? This is a special phone.
If you don't answer it, you get to be the intern who does the physicals over at the state prison! Hello? - How are you? I'm Dr Dorian.
- Alex Hanson.
Nice to meet you.
Firm handshake.
I like that.
Hello.
Mr Davis, I haven't seen you in three months.
It's gotta be a record for you.
Ignore the dislocated shoulder and make small talk.
This ought to help with the pain.
So what'd you do? Some woman just pushed me off the bus.
It was totally unprovoked.
Mr Davis.
I may have told her that she smelled like wet ass.
There you go.
Be proud of who you are.
- You wear too much mascara.
- You be careful now.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here? Covering for Whatever.
36-year-old male, possible dislocated shoulder.
Great.
So, how are you doing? It just got so cold in here.
I think the swelling may have gone down.
Yeah, I hope that hurts.
- Oh, no.
- Is this the tox screen? This does not bode well for you.
Get the results of Mr Chervin's urinalysis.
If the numbers aren't good I'm gonna give one of your kidneys to him.
Ten bucks says I can make him wet himself.
- Everybody's afraid of Mr Man.
- Laverne, you give good sass.
I got the Kayexalate and pulled the X-rays so I am yours.
Do whatever you want with me.
That came out wrong.
I want you to use me.
I don't care how degrading it is.
No, no I know that you like torturing people, and I am up for that.
- I wanna make you happy.
- Marshmallow, hush.
This guy needs a lumbar puncture, and I need an extra set of hands.
- Ready and raring.
- Ginger, get the lead out.
Excuse me.
- It puts the lotion on the skin.
- You can do movies and I can't? It puts the damn iodine lotion on the skin.
Mr Man! Dr Dorian, I owe you an apology.
Obviously, I was unclear when I said "Stay in the MRI room with that patient.
" It must have sounded like, "Leave and do other things.
" Let me rephrase it so there'll be no more confusion: Get your ass back down there! You have no idea how loud that is in here! I'm sorry.
You'll be done in a second.
Was that a good sound? - Not that good a sound.
- Is it stuck? "Stuck" is a literal term.
It's more like "not moving".
- Pull me outta here! - I can't.
You were unconscious.
You could have an injury.
Be glad you're not claustrophobic.
- Promise you won't leave me.
- I promise.
Dr Cox must have my pager on speed dial.
He's completely on top of me today.
Do you know how much I wish he was on top of me? That's naughty.
You make me so mad, I might actually scream.
Every day you bitch about how hard Dr Cox is on you and you don't even realise that you're his go-to guy.
- You're overreacting - What has he had you do today? He had me intubate and extubate Mrs Pollard float a Swan on Mr Kalka, a paracentesis, a radial art line then place a transvenous pacemaker for a heart block.
Why? What did you do? Cream, no sugar.
He takes his sugar, no cream.
My arm is breaking! OK.
It's not going in.
Really? Why don't we try kicking it? - I'll talk to one of our orthopaedics.
- Hurry back.
That guy is the worst.
Be nice.
He's my boyfriend.
- Not for long.
- Excuse me? He's been dying to run outta here since he came in.
- He did not run out of here.
- You're right.
He was fleeing like he was being chased by a swarm of killer bees.
He said just keep pulling.
Goody.
Does this big metal contraption make me look fat? More chunky than fat.
- JD? - It's all right.
I'm right here.
You're such a nice guy.
It really feels like there's something going on here.
I wonder what she looks like.
Why am I always in your fantasies? You got a problem.
Why are you squeezing all my fingers? I'll tell you what I'm not doing.
I'm not checking for a wedding ring.
I am so in.
I'm right back out.
I'm sorry about lunch.
I'm a little overtired.
That's OK.
When we get home, we can go right to bed.
That's the thing.
I'm beat so it'd be better if you crash at your place tonight.
It's a private joke.
- What now? - Watch the attitude or I won't let you go to the bonfire with the beach bunnies.
I was probably thinking about the MRI girl but I believe that giving a friend the chance to shine was just as important.
Sir, it's Dr Kelso.
He's making me baby-sit this patient.
It's the bottom of the ninth.
If you're not gonna be my catcher, who is? - What? - Play ball! Come on, baby.
Right here.
Bring it in.
Dr Cox, you can trust me to help you.
I was top five in my class.
That's the noise I make when somebody lies to me.
But I'll get us this perfect - Don't say it! - game.
What part of "don't say it" did you not understand? The "don't" or the "say it"? Help me to help you, Barbie.
I should get to work.
That would be lovely.
- Elliot, do - No time! We all have important things to do.
Do you know what Alex Hanson looks like? He's OK.
I don't know.
I don't look at the ladies.
Young man, I've been married for over three decades.
I would've gone there, though.
Hell yes, I would've.
Who cares? No one will ever love you.
I don't find her pretty, but since my wife left when I look at a woman, I find it hard to see past the evil.
- Something's wrong.
- Nothing's wrong.
You always say that, then you sulk, then you tell me.
You haven't known me long enough for me to "always" do anything.
You're always hurting me.
- So now you're getting defensive? - Woman, I am not defensive.
You are, a little bit.
Turk, why don't you just take a deep breath and tell me what's wrong? That did it.
I guess we're done here.
Barbie, plates are wobbling everywhere.
I'm starting pressors.
Or you could transfuse him.
- Transfusions are riskier.
- My instinct was pressors.
- Know what they say about instincts? - Stick with them.
- Should you? - Should I? You'll have time to think about it on the bench.
That's where you're headed.
Get out of here.
Go ahead.
Go.
Hippety-hop to the barbershop.
"Should I?" Did she ask what you look like? No, she can tell I'm handsome.
I have a husky voice.
"Hello, baby.
" Look into your heart and see how it feels.
My heart hates "uggos".
That's what's wrong with you men.
You're so afraid of what you feel.
I'm so sick of it.
So do you know what she looks like? Yeah, I do.
But I ain't telling you.
Just tell me.
Does she look anything like Jimmie Walker? I'm noticing the bottoms of your slippers are rather slick.
Perhaps they contributed in some way to the incident this morning.
Those are hospital booties, you moron.
And now I'm a moron.
Dr Dorian, why don't you take Ms Hanson out for a lovely dinner? Dr Kelso, I'm not suing the hospital.
It turns out I only have a mild concussion.
Alex? He's gone.
So, what restaurant are you taking me to? You're not bad if you want to wait and see what she looks like.
I'm kidding.
You don't have to take me out to dinner.
Are you sure? Cos OK.
I gotta go.
Sorry.
Don't sweat it.
We'll see each other around.
JD, I'm really glad you were here Ms Hanson, he's gone.
If I were in your slippers, I'd sue this hospital for all it's worth.
Really? We could run away together.
You know what to do.
Be straight with Carla, no matter how hard it is.
I hate this part.
I just don't know what to do about Dr Cox.
- What is going on here? - I say one thing, he says the other.
I can't take it any more.
Why don't you become a lesbian, and hook up with some hot model? - What's that got to do with anything? - I just thought it'd be hot.
He's testing you.
You can't be afraid to disagree with him.
- You're afraid.
- But I still do it.
Get back in the game, Elliot.
Dammit! So close.
Dammit! I'm sorry.
I'll be fine.
Perfect game.
Call it.
There's five minutes left, just the two of us here.
Can't we just wait? Just call it.
No.
We all need this, so, no.
I won't call it.
That's the dumbest thing anybody's said to me around here in a long time.
There's nothing wrong with a one-hitter.
In fact, it's miraculous.
I won't have you cheapen what should be an endless pursuit of perfection just because you want the world to laugh with you tonight.
Now, call it.
Time of death, 11.
55.
Good girl.
Better go get yourself a cup of coffee.
New game starts in four minutes.
Hey, Carla.
Carla, wait! Where are you going? I'm gonna go crash at my place tonight, like you said.
You want to know? That's what's wrong.
"I'm gonna go chill out at my house, like you said.
" God, you're so sexy right now.
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
And, you know We're past that new, exciting relationship phase and all that's left is us.
Baby, I gotta tell you, you drive me crazy.
You take my French fries, you boss me around in front of my friends.
You said strong women turn you on.
We know what you're gonna do, so why not do it so I can go home? OK.
I love you.
You annoy me more than I ever thought possible but I want to spend every irritating minute with you.
Me too.
Yeah? I love you.
I don't get it.
Why are you doing this to me? All I wanted to do was have sex with a foxy nurse, and now I'm in love? Sweetie, that happens.
I've been thinking lately about taking chances Run a tox screen and a full blood workup for the guy in 37.
You can handle that? - Yeah.
- Good girl.
Up on the second floor There's a laundry list of stuff I want you to do.
and how it's just about overcoming your fears.
Because every time you take a big risk in your life no matter how it ends up, you're always glad you took it.
Wait! Stop the machine.
- What the hell are you doing? - Will you go out with me? If I say no, will you let me out of this thing? - It's iffy.
- Then I guess I have to say yes.
- So say it.
- Sure.
I'd love to.