Selfie (2014) s01e12 Episode Script

The three biggest geniuses are The slut who invented Hollywood tape Hazard reported ahead.
In 800 feet, turn left on The psychic bitch on Waze And whatever dubious skank invented caller I.
D.
Good morning on this very good morning, Eliza.
Oh.
What's so good about it? Saperstein is announcing the company's sixth annual 10k today.
Ugh.
Still not seeing the good.
I'm told by Henry that Henry wins this competition every year.
They even put his silhouette on the poster.
- Oh! - Let me tell you something, Eliza.
All my life, people have been telling me, "you're too small, Higgs.
You're not fast enough, Higgs.
Give up your foolish dreams, Steve.
" Steve? Who's who's Steve? What's happening? He's reciting a monologue a feature film in which Jared Leto plays A heavily mustachioed long-distance runner.
The lead singer from Thirty Seconds to Mars was in a movie? was in Thirty Seconds to Mars.
Okay, your sister has called for the umpteenth time.
Your sister? You told me your family was lost at sea.
Well, somebody must have Tom Hanks'd her ass back to civilization and given her this number, which she can be reached at.
My sister's not lost at sea.
Okay? She's found.
On land.
My whole entire family is alive, unfortunately.
Eliza, you should never wish your family dead.
Oh, I have.
But only after my brother stabbed me that one time.
You don't understand.
My sister is a monster.
I argued for the death penalty, but since he was a minor, my parents let him walk.
She can't be that bad.
He's grown now, went on to have six kids of his own, four of whom are evil.
Bethany tortured me with her greatness my whole childhood.
I was like the redheaded stepchild, only we both had red hair and we're related.
There were never any baby pictures of me around, but stupid, stupid Bethany had professional portraits and brag books and bronze booties.
And that's why you incessantly document yourself.
Not as bad as getting shanked over who gets the bottom bunk.
I could never live up to my sister's glory.
Straight A's, class president, never farts, flawless skin, pretty crier.
Eliza, all siblings are competitive.
- Maybe she's matured.
- Huh.
You certainly have.
Remember, sometimes difficult people surface in our lives for a reason.
Think of it as a challenge.
You're not the kind of person who's afraid of a challenge.
Well, I mean, I was briefly hospitalized after the cinnamon one, but Call your sister.
Stay away from your brother.
Call your sister.
Team, what do we do when we see a sick child who needs our help? - We run.
- Amen.
For the past five years, we've run in the kinderkare kares for kinders 10k, raising money to help battle all types of childhood illness.
But Like so many of those sick kids, the 10k, over time, has become a real bummer.
And I think I speak for everyone when I say I'm over it.
- What? What'd he do? - So this year, we're changing it up With the kinderkares kares for kinders mighty mud run.
Wow! I rarely get riled up over slideshows, but that was electrifying.
Freddy, this is your brainchild.
Would you like to come up here and join me for the first annual ripping of the 10k poster? I'm sorry.
We're gonna rip the 10k poster every year? You got that right.
Booyah! As a 3-year veteran of the mud run circuit, I wanna welcome you to this new and exciting world that'll find its way into your heart and your butt crack.
I hate to partake in the use of slang contractions, but would this not be an "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" type situation? Uh, I think it's more of a "sounds hella cool, let's do it" type situation.
Huh? Am I right? But if you don't wanna brave the course, there are a number of other ways you can help out.
Now Linda has the, uh, waivers and the sign-up sheets.
Thank you, all, very much.
Good job.
I am so doing refreshments.
They give you 300 bucks, and then I just steal food from the breakroom and pocket the cash.
She said proudly.
Don't judge me, Henry.
It's a victimless crime.
Gimme.
- Hey, bad girl.
- Hey, Freddy.
You being good or you being a naughty, naughty little sex face? - I don't know.
- What's wrong? Freddy! Look, I just thought we were getting more serious.
And serious couples are supposed to do more than just Dirty talk.
Yeah, I know.
That's why I got us matinee tickets to "Pippin.
" - What the - It's a musical.
Look, is this another one of Henry's assignments? Because I don't know how our relationship is supposed to survive with Henry always just sticking his big stu Believe it or not, Henry does not control everything I say and do.
Ah, but that's my sister calling And Henry says I have to take it.
Hello? Right.
Yeah.
- Henry! - Aah! See that? It's my mud run trainin', son.
Came in quick with the side lunge.
Whoo! How bomb is this race gonna be, huh? Quite bomb, I'm certain.
Hope you're not too bummed out about me bagging your 10k.
- Not at all.
No.
- Good, because I hear some of the ladies got their panties in a bunch over the change of plans.
That's that's weird.
What are they gonna do next year? Throw us in a pit? Have us claw our way out? I have no upper body strength.
It's all in my legs.
- Sir.
- Oh.
In this corner, the Asian import Actually, sir, I was born in Van Nuys.
Fast as he is sexy.
A study of superior engineering.
And in Actually, Freddy, could you just move to your left slightly? - Sure.
- That's great.
And in this corner, the adonis carved out of Italian-Canadian marble, not an ounce of wasted mass on his exquisite frame.
Who will be the Victor? We may never know, as Henry has yet to nut up.
Dude, nut up.
I'm sorry, but I was conditioning my body for the rigors of 10 kilometers.
Oh! Come on, gramps.
Change it up.
- "Gramps"? - Yeah.
It'll keep you young, you know? Shock your system.
He's right.
I surprise my body every day, which is not easy because my body knows me so Boo! Aha! Whoa! Push-ups! Ha ha! My body didn't see that coming.
Bam! Joke's on you, quads! Thought you were having a nice leisurely chat with Henry? Nope.
Come on, Henry.
Get it! Come on! Bonjour, bloodstream! Let's get you oxygenated, shall we? Dude, did you just speak French to your bloodstream? Oui.
"Oui"? What? As I prepared for my sister's arrival, I was determined to show her how responsible and successful I'd become.
Even though we'd barely spoken since we were teenagers, I knew everything I needed to know about Bethany from her instagram.
With her perfect brunches and homemade lunches and her adorable husband Peter and the handwritten notes he leaves her and her identical friends on a 7-day cleanse and her certified pre-owned Eliza? It's me! Hello? Eliza? Every time I hear Bethany's voice It's like I'm 5 years old again.
Hi! - Hello! - Oh! Oh! Eliza, look at your place.
It's so you.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Uh, nothing? Have a seat.
Oh, my God.
Here.
Let me just move the pay stub from the bonus check I received for being my company's top performing sales rep and put it next to the crystal champagne flutes I received for the exact same reason.
Whoa, sounds like someone's great at their job.
That's amazing, Eliza.
It's amazing? You're amazed that I can do a job? Not really.
You were doing a great job of avoiding talking to me for the past week.
Oh, well, let's just say, um, I didn't want to.
Eliza, I did not come here to fight.
I just wanted to connect and talk about what's been going on.
Oh, what has been going on? Well, let me see.
I'm pretty great.
Super-hot boyfriend.
Befriended a working mom.
She's a little bit of a maxxinista, - but we make it work - I'm pregnant! Eliza, I'm gonna be a mom! You're gonna be an aunt! To the baby that I am the mom of! Aah! Sorry.
I couldn't keep it in any longer.
The news, not the baby.
What a surprise.
Bethany didn't come to catch up with me.
She came to catch me up on her.
Can we use your champagne flutes to toast my good news? The sole purpose of her visit was to take the spotlight from me and shine it directly upon herself and her big, stupid uterus.
I think maybe we'll just rinse these out first.
And if she could make me feel bad about myself While doing it? Bonus points.
This must be C.
G.
I.
'd.
This is fake! I'm gonna die out there.
I'm gonna die out there.
I never should have listened to you.
W-what are you talking about? Now my sister is in my house, pregnant.
She's pregnant?! You're gonna be an aunt! Eliza, congratulations! Yippee! The greatest thing that ever happened to me didn't happen to me.
- It happened to her.
- What are you talking about? This whole pregnancy is Bethany's way of trying to make me feel like my own life is insignificant.
Eliza, you don't actually think that your sister decided to have a baby just to spite you? Well, how else do you explain the fact that she is due on October 18th? That is the week before my birthday.
It's like her baby is trying to bogart October for me.
Eliza, that is insane.
Can't you just be happy for her? Mm No.
No.
Hey, are you stalking Freddy? Don't Ugh! I'm not stalking Freddy.
I'm studying him.
Sizing him up.
Researching what he does to prepare for these competitions.
It's no secret that the two of us are frenemies.
Don't ever use that word.
I don't wanna embarrass myself out there.
Then just ask Freddy for help.
He would love to help you train.
Please.
He can't stand me.
Only because he thinks you can't stand him.
Oh, come on.
That's why he can't stand me? So if he thought I could stand him, - then we'd be able to stand each other? - Maybe.
I've always thought you guys might like each other if you didn't hate each other.
And besides, aren't you the one who told me "sometimes challenging people come into our lives for a reason?" So I agreed to squash it with Rosemary's baby mama, and Henry agreed to squat it with Freddy.
It's kinda weird, huh? It's like a whole weird, uh, role reversal.
In what sense? Well, I mean, normally, you're telling Eliza what to do, and now I'm here telling you what to do.
You know? Right, but in a true role reversal Yeah, whatever, dude.
Don't be so literal, okay? Literal people can suck it.
But not literally.
Okay.
Let's start with a simple salutation that will open our minds so that we can challenge our bodies.
Sounds good.
Yeah.
Kneel down.
Oh, right here? In the Dirt? Now Repeat after me.
Mm.
"Freddy, help me.
Help me, please.
"Without you, I'm nothing.
I'm down on my knees.
" All right, I'm not sure that's really "Freddy, you're strong, "and I'm so weak.
"My spirit is old, but yours is at its peak.
" All right.
- Let's get this over with, all right? - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm just messing with you, dude.
Look, truth is, with these races, you can never really be ready.
Okay? That's the most important thing for you to understand.
You're not ready.
All you can do is just show up, take what the mud run throws at ya, which is, you know, usually - Mud.
- Ah! You see? - Literal.
- But not incorrect.
Booyah! Let's get it! Whoo! Come on! Whoo! Yeah! Let's Get it.
Oh, I think it'll give her life a whole new purpose.
It has to.
Okay.
Hold on.
Dada wants to talk to you! Dada wants to say hello! Does your fetus even have ears yet? Because I don't think it does.
I should probably hop.
Eliza's getting cranky.
No, nothing exciting.
I'm just gonna meet all the people she works with.
I love you.
I love you more.
Okay, so technically, this isn't work.
It is a work event, so I need you to not do Bethany things.
What are "Bethany things"? You know, "everyone, look at me.
No one look at Eliza.
" - I don't do that.
- See? There you go again, making it all about you.
I really don't wanna fight.
I promise I will just follow your lead today.
Thank you.
Which means I will not point out that if you don't change now before we leave, we're gonna be late.
Not according to Waze.
It was killing her.
She can never let me have the last word.
- Sometimes Waze is wrong.
- Get out of my house! Hey.
Eliza.
You need any help? Is this it? Nope.
My sister's wheeling the keg over now.
- The the keg? - I went all out.
I got a keg of beer, a deli ring, some assorted pastries, a gallon bag of hot cheetos, a couple of coffee boxes, and, like, a Babe, you you can't have any of that during a race.
It's Miller lite.
Should I send somebody out on a run? I'm really concerned people are gonna be dehydrated.
Hey.
Hey! Don't get all tense and uptight on me, okay? You get uptight, it's gonna seep into your muscles.
You're gonna cramp up.
Great advice, Freddy.
Henry's always uptight.
Yeah, keep it loose, okay? Loosen up.
Come on.
Let me see you get loose.
- Like this? - Perfect.
Yeah.
Now repeat after me.
"Freddy, help me, please " Okay, I am done repeating after you.
Eliza, do you want me to set everything up over here, in the shade? See? She wants to keep my refreshments on the sidelines, where no one can see them! I also grabbed some water and bananas just in case anyone didn't feel like day-drinking before the big race.
I don't think anybody's gonna want those.
We've got Bananas? Whoo! So much stuff.
You're gonna kill me if I grab a banana, huh? - Don't even think about it.
- Yeah.
- You good? - Yeah.
I'm good.
Oh.
You? - What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
You're so busy instructing all of us, I'm afraid you're neglecting yourself.
For example, is your right knee bothering you? 'Cause I've noticed you've been favoring your left all morning.
Trying to get in my head through my knee? Me trying getting in your head? What was all that stuff up in the mountain, huh? Telling me I'll never be ready, making me kneel down and beg you for help? I was breaking you down so I could build you back up.
Okay? It's a very common, uh Raj, come on.
Help me out here.
- Please don't rope me into conflict.
- Fine.
You don't want my help? That's fine.
You just added another obstacle to your race, buddy.
And that's me.
It's on, bro! Bro, don't call me "bro," bro.
I'm not your bro.
I mean, non-bro.
Here in my hand the starter's pistol.
But before I fire it, I'd just like to say Boo! Oh! Baby girl, I would be so honored if you used Charmonique as a middle name.
Now I don't know how the time went by, but I best be on my way.
- I know you can do it! - I can do it! - How? - How what? How do you know she can do it? If you know the first thing about Charmonique, you know that she probably can't do it, and she's going to hurt herself trying.
I was just trying to be positive.
No, you were just trying to help her walk away, thinking, "oh, wow, what a great person," - but you and I both know the truth.
- What truth? That you're not a great person.
Every single thing you've ever done is designed to make me feel like crap.
I mean, isn't that why you really came here this weekend? I came here this weekend to tell you I'm having a baby.
Well Congratulations on making yet another human being who will think you're better than me! Wow, you really stuck it to that kind and generous pregnant woman.
Go.
Oh, yeah! Damn.
Oh, Freddy, huh? Running behind that inspirational man-God makes all the pain go away! Aah! Uhh! Do I get a participant ribbon for this? Gone.
Is he really that fast? - It ends now! - Whoa! - What is your problem?! - You're my problem! With you're talking down to me, you're trying to make me feel stupid.
Forcing Eliza to question our relationship It's like you live to undermine me! Make me feel inferior! Who's inferior now?! You tell me! See, that's the knee I was worried about.
Aah! Uhh! - Uhh! - Aah! And for the record, you're the one who's undermining.
You challenge everything I say! You're constantly making cracks about my age, and you often besmirch my neckties! Uhh! Admit it.
You're insanely jealous of my youth, my girl, of my kick-ass hair! Oh, beg pardon.
My hair kicks ass in its own right.
Your hair dreams about being my hair.
Hair is not sentient, and thus cannot dream! Literally! You know what I can't dream about? How many stupid bow ties you must own.
What Bethany, what are you doing?! I'm putting your apartment back to the way it was before I tidied up this morning.
Hey! Hey! No, these go over here.
Someday, when you have a new life - swelling inside your belly - Oh, here we go.
You might wanna reach out to your only sister so your baby knows who its family is, and when that day comes, I will be there for you, Eliza.
Because you're perfect.
- Because I will understand.
- What do you understand? You have no idea what it was like growing up invisible.
Bethany's first haircut, Bethany's first tooth, Bethany's first poo-poo in the potty.
Nobody gave a crap when I crapped.
Good lord! Our parents were going through a divorce, Eliza.
Mom was completely overwhelmed and doing it alone, so, yeah, you didn't get the same amount of attention that I did, and I'm sorry.
It wasn't fair, but it wasn't my fault, and it wasn't yours, either.
I always felt like from the moment I was born, our family fell apart.
Huh.
Never really thought about it that way, but I'm serious.
I always thought you blamed me, and And that was why you moved away.
I didn't move away.
I went to college.
Yeah, for four years.
Yes, Eliza, that's how long college takes.
I guess I took everything too personally.
And that's what kids do.
But we're not kids anymore.
I know.
Maybe Bethany and I were finally done beating each other up.
A little bit of rivalry can be healthy, and if you don't let it destroy you We tied Like in "Rocky 1.
" Maybe we should bury the hatchet, like in "Rocky 3.
" It can actually bring you closer.
And tying for second place, Freddy and Henry, whose petty rivalry paved the way for an upset.
Our first-placed winner is Charmonique! Ha ha! It just goes to show, sometimes people can surprise you.
After a lifetime of following my sister around She was finally following me back, and she was right.
We weren't kids anymore.
So it was time to start acting like an adult.
Mom! It's Eliza.
So How are you?