Stripperella (2003) s01e12 Episode Script

1
Don't worry, everyone.
I'll shoot 'er down
with my assault rifle.
Move over!
I'll handle this.
Dang, I really wanted
to shoot somethin'.
Look out!
Cow in danger.
Huh?
You're not a real cow.
"Surprise Stripperella.
"You're dead"?
Stuntman supplies, crashpads.
Stunt man supplies?
Shouldn't it be
"stunt person" supplies?
I had the worst nightmare.
I was giving a speech
in front of all these people
and then I realized
I was in my undies!
It was so embarrassing!
Hey, Erotica i
Ugh!
Oh, Kevin, I'm so sorry.
I'm just real jumpy.
Someone keeps trying to kill me
and it's making me on edge.
Someone's trying to kill you?
No not me.
Someone's trying to
kill someone else
and it's just really
stressing me out.
Hey, Erotica, you got a second?
Sure.
A second a minute..
A lifetime
Now, why didn't
she kick his privates?
Um, I was wondering,
how do you feel about
dating someone you work with?
Um, I don't have
a problem with that.
You don't think
it's inappropriate,
that it could get complicated?
No, if two people want to
be together they should
Gun!
Hi-yah!
Erotica, what is with you?!
That's one of them new
novelty cell phones
it just looks like a gun!
See?
I don't know
what's gotten into me.
I just keep overreacting
to everything
Bomb!
Everybody down!
Huh?
What did you do that for?
That was a cake for
my dad's retirement!
I'm so sorry
Well, you should be sorry!
My mother baked that cake
right before she passed away!
So, where were we?
Um, maybe now's not a good time.
I should get back to the tunes.
I'll talk to you later.
Okay.
But if it means anything,
I definitely think two people
that work together can date.
Uh, Erotica, maybe
Uhh!
Ahh!
The pressure of living this
double life is getting to me.
I feel responsible for
the entire world
and there's a guy at work I like
and it's impossible for me
to get close to anybody
because I always have to
lie about who I really am.
I'm not a good liar.
There are ants in my kitchen,
my toilet's making
a funny noise,
and on top of all that
Someone's trying to kill me.
You're holding back.
It's just hard
to get close to someone.
I want to fall in love
but I feel so guarded
because of my secret life.
Stripperella, I want you
to squeeze my balls.
Excuse me?
My stress balls.
I'm thinking of marketing them,
but I'm still testing them out.
Here, you can have
some of my "testies".
Whenever you're stressed,
I want you to close your eyes
take a deep breath,
and channel all of your
negative energy into my balls.
Wow, you know,
I feel better already.
Uh, yes
I'll get you some more.
Let me grab some more testies
out of my ball sack.
Oh my, look at that,
a naked lady.
I'm not seeing it.
Excuse me, that's my
birth control pill phone.
I gotta take this.
I missed it once
and I got in big trouble.
Chief stroganoff, agent 69 here.
Stripperella, I need you
to meet me
at the old corn field
right away,
it's an emergency.
I'll be right there.
Chief here.
Chief, I'm at the cornfield.
Where are you?
What cornfield?
What are you talking about?
You called me and told me
to meet you here.
Nope, wasn't me.
I'm guessing someone hacked into
our secret organization's
system to call you
and make it look like it
was coming from my number.
Then they probably
used a computer
to match my voice print and
fool you into going down there.
It's probably the person
who's been trying to kill you.
Well, I gotta run.
Time for my Botox injections.
Invisible bulletproof umbrella,
don't fail me now!
Damn invisible
bulletproof umbrella.
I'll kill you yet!
"I'm gonna kill you,
Stripperella.
"You really got lucky this time,
"but you can't escape forever.
"Seriously,
your days are numbered.
"I won't stop until
you're deed
Oops, that was
supposed to say 'dead'."
Gentlemen, put your
hands together
for the enchanting,
exhilarating, exquisite,
Erotica!
Ahh!
Huh?
Uh
Let's have another round
of applause for Erotica!
Now, get ready for Giselle
and her spicy tribute
to ice hockey.
Ooh, I've got a zamboni
Thanks for covering for me.
I don't know what's
gotten into me lately.
Oh, no problem.
You know, I've been thinking
about what you were saying
about two people
at work dating
Really?
Hey, you know there's an
old horror movie festival
this weekend, downtown.
I love horror movies.
Oh, awesome, I love
horror movies too.
Wow, we have so much in
Ooh
I gotta go.
Aaagh!
Don't hurt me, don't hurt me!
Whew aah!
Oopsie
Chief stroganoff, agent 69
reporting for duty.
What are you doing?!
I'm performing a bris.
Wait!
You can't perform a
circumcision with a chainsaw!
Right!
Thank god I'm not religious.
Sorry, wiensteins, mazeltov.
So, why'd you call me down here?
We know who's
trying to kill you.
Who?
Special agent 14
will fill you in.
Send in special agent 14.
Chief
Stripperella.
I was able to do a handwriting
analysis on the skywriting.
Wouldn't it have been easier
to do a hand-writing analysis
from one of those
hand-written death threats?
Yes, but this was funnier.
Anyhow, I found that the
skywriting is a direct match
with the signature of
Queen clitoris.
Notice the fancy
loops on the "e" s.
Queen clitoris?!
That was clitoris
under that hood?
She must still be angry
because I thwarted her plans
to blow up the world.
You've obviously
stimulated clitoris
and got her all worked up.
I think you need to
finish her off.
You're right, I can't just
wait around for her
to try to kill me again.
I'm gonna bring her to me.
How?
I'm gonna lure her with the one
thing I know she can't resist.
The world's greatest
Latin lover, Armando.
I think I know someone else
who cannot resist Armando
Stripperella.
Well, I guess he's kind of cute.
Oh, I just can't believe
Oh, thank you.
Ahhh
Stripperella?
Armando, I just had to see you.
You want me to sign
for you a copy of my book,
"how to be making the love,
Armando teach you."
No, well, yes,
I would like that.
But that's now why I'm here.
I waited in line
two and a half hours
to tell you that my life is
in danger and I need your help.
Then my help you must have.
Armando will return to sign your
books and your boobies later.
But, for now, Armando must go.
For, I am the
world's greatest lover.
That is my gift,
that is my curse.
Aww
Aww aww
Let's go.
Ooh!
Leonard?
Stripperella?
How did you know my name?
Oh, uh, I heard her say it.
Wait a minute
How does she know my name?
Based on our
previous surveillance
of queen clitoris,
we know that she frequents
Armando's website.
I am placing a message to
queen clitoris on your site,
saying that you want to make
mad passionate whoopie to her.
Now all we have to do is
wait for her to respond.
Armando, thank you
so much for helping us.
If anyone can handle
clitoris, it's me.
Hey, maybe when
I'm done handling her,
I will handle you,
if you know what I mean
Ooh
Stripperella and Armando
sitting in a tree
k-i-s-s-i-n-g, first comes
Quit it!
K-i-s
Cooking?
Bingo!
Clitoris has responded!
She wants Armando to
meet her tonight at midnight
at a bar called
"the wet spot."
The wet spot?
The wet spot
It's a little hole in the wall,
at the corner of canal street
and bush drive,
it's in the
meat packing district.
Armando knows
where the wet spot is.
I can smell clitoris
right on our fingertips.
All right, gentlemen,
feeling sick?
Take two ass-pirin and
call her in the morning.
Here's cat.
And so, whenever I'm stressed,
I just squeeze these balls
and I feel better.
These two are just testies.
I have so many responses to that
I'm just not gonna say anything.
Well, Erotica,
I took your advice about
asking someone out at work.
I asked persephone to go with me
to the horror fest on Friday.
Oh
Persephone is the girl you
were talking about at work.
I knew that.
She said no.
Wow, I don't think persephone's
ever said no to a guy.
Get this, after all that
she said she doesn't believe
in dating people at work.
That's great!
It is?
No
I really wanted
to go to that horror fest.
Hey, hey you wanted to go
to the horror fest, too!
I sure do!
Erotica, what do you say
the two of us
Yeah
Get a bunch of people together
from work and we'll all go!
I'd love to!
Go with everyone.
Oh, it's the chief
I mean, the chef.
What is it, chief?
There's been a slight
change in plans.
Clitoris switched
the meeting with Armando
from midnight to 10:00.
10:00?
That's only
two minutes from now.
I probably should have
called you six hours ago
when I first found out,
but I was watching the d.V.D.
Of "Bridget Jones's diary."
It's got over six hours
of deleted scenes.
Did you know
that Renee zellweger
gained 475 pounds to
play the part of
Queen clitoris?
Armando, my love
Geww
Eww
I mean oh, baby, you are
just like I remember you.
You are so sexy Ish.
Come, join me.
Champagne, my love?
Oh god, yes.
Kiss me, you Latin hunk.
Uhh
Stripperella, my baby!
Oh, help Stripperella, my baby!
My baby is stuck
in that mailbox!
I meant to mail this package
and I got confused and
Okay, I'll save your baby.
But I'm in a hurry.
Armando, you seem distracted.
Only by your, uh
Beauty?
Let's go back
to my secret evil lair.
Maybe we should linger here
for a little aah!
Oh!
Oh, honey!
One other thing,
there was a misunderstanding
and I wrote a letter to my boss
calling him a "big, fat idiot"
and I need it back
or I'll be fired.
Can you help me
find it in there?
No!
Well, thanks for nothing!
Armando?
Stripperella, I got here
as soon as I could.
They're not here,
we missed them!
Armando's Latin,
hunky life is in danger
and it's all my fault!
Not to worry.
We replaced Armando's kidney
with a tracking device.
His kidney?
You couldn't have just
taped something to his body
or put something in his pocket?
He already had stuff
in his pockets.
Now, quit wasting time.
Go save Armando and lick
clitoris once and for all!
Continue in the
straight direction.
Take a left at the next right.
Ahead, you will find
a bushy hole.
Armando is around
here, somewhere.
Armando's gotta be
around here somewhere.
He must be inside
this bushy tunnel.
Mmm, that was great.
Let's do it again.
Is not three times enough?
I said let's do it again!
You'll be doing nothing again!
Stripperella!
Stripperella get me out of here!
Get you out of here?
Armando, I thought
we had something
No, it's just that I have to
be up early for work tomorrow.
I'll call you
I promise.
You're just like
every other guy.
You just wanted to
have sex with me,
and now you want
nothing to do with me!
I did not want to have
the sex with you, trust me.
I'll give you
two choices, clitoris.
You can either come quietly,
or come screaming
after I work you over.
I'm not coming at all.
I think I'll choose
option number three.
That's the one where
I kill you both!
She's got a gun,
she's got a gun!
Get over there by Stripperella.
Let's see,
who should I shoot first?
Don't stress, Stripperella,
just take a deep breath.
Oh, I wish
I had my stress balls
Sorry, Armando.
Gaaah!!!
Oohhh!!!
Oh, I feel much better.
What was that all about?
Hah!
It was about
creating a diversion.
Now it's time to go
downtown, clitoris.
Can someone call a doctor?
Preferably a sexy female doctor?
Excuse me, I know we're
in the middle of nowhere,
but do you know if there's
bathroom around here?
Uh-huh
Isn't that the abandoned
insane asylum
where all those kids
were murdered 10 years ago
this very night?
Yeah
Well, when you gotta go,
you gotta go.
Leonard, please
Not so tight.
Oh, don't go in there!
Don't go in there!
Ahhh!
Oh, she went in there
I'm really glad we did this.
Me, too.
Ahhh!