Svetlana (2010) s01e12 Episode Script
Snatchengil For The Stars
What Bobby?
Yeah, I'll be right there.
I'm just putting your car
around.
It's 2-hour parking.
Yeah.
Not hotdogs.
Not good, it'll block the
windpipe,
perfect shape.
What?
Oh, it's the truck?
Okay.
Yeah, nothing, nothing at all.
Bad shape, Bobby.
You're gonna beat it.
Okay.
What?
No, steak's no good.
Okay, yeah.
Why not?
Sure!
I don't know what's wrong today,
Ralphie.
I mean, usually when you rugrat
me like this I feel like we're
wood on wood.
You know, your skinny, I'm
skinny.
But today I feel bloated.
I didn't have any lactose
products yesterday.
I didn't have no breakfast
today,
so I don't really know what it
could be.
Oh, I hope it's not that.
Really?
Could be, you know, I could be
pregnant.
Oh, that would be really messed
up.
Vlad?
Vlad?
Time to start sitting right
again.
Pucker flush?
Oh, my God.
Oh, you definitely don't what
this one.
Vag-bucket.
That's no good, that's no good.
Snatchengil, now that's a good
one.
That's very good.
Really?
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Pucker flush, not so good.
Yeah.
I don't think that's my issue.
It doesn't have as much olive
oil in it,
which is kind of nice.
Olive oil?
How do you know so much about
douches?
My wife, she douches like 8
times a day.
I'm sorry?
My wife.
8 times a day?
Yeah.
She's, you know, a prostitute.
I'm sorry?
She's a prostitute.
Like, literally?
Yeah, yeah, she's literally a
prostitute.
A whore.
I mean, she's great at what she
does.
Don't get me wrong.
She's the best.
Wow.
You're so supportive.
Well, of course, I mean, that's
a job.
It is a job.
And these days, you know, not
everybody has a job.
You gotta do what you can.
You gotta do what you can.
That's so true.
Yeah.
Oh, slut, is that for your wife,
too?
Oh, my God not that I'm calling
her a slut.
Oh, no, no, no.
That was very rude of me.
I think she's pregnant.
I'm so excited.
Is it yours?
Of course it's mine, who else
would it be?
I don't know you said she's a
prostitute.
So I just thought there's a lot
of dipping in the bucket.
That's just a job and she knows
what she's doing.
Good, well, I hope you're
pregnant then.
I'm just excited, I feel like
dancing in the aisle.
Oh, that's so great.
I know, like, woo, woo, woo!
You know?
Oh, wow.
So you're a dancer?
Yes, yes.
Oh, my God I think the lord
totally sent you here for me.
I have a dance class that I'm
going to and my partner had a
rectal bleeding issue this
morning,
so he's not going to be able to
come.
Would you be my dance partner?
Would your wife mind?
No, I'm sure she'll be fine.
She'll be fine.
I would love to, I would love
it.
Vlad.
I'm Chloe, it's so nice to meet
you.
It's the rhythm room in an hour.
In an hour, you got it.
Great.
Okay.
Svet?
Yeah, honey, I'm in here.
What took you so long?
I'm sorry, you know, there's so
many of them,
I don't know which one to buy.
So I bought a few of them.
Look how bloated I am.
Like, I'm never this bloated,
even when I have milkshake.
Look at that.
Wow.
Yeah.
All right, what did you get?
What did you get?
Okay, I got hope not, slut and
fetus finder.
No, fetus finder is good,
actually,
I used it before.
Okay, yeah, all right.
Do you mind if I go dance class
today?
Dance class?
Since when do you take dance
class?
Well, I feel a little
uncoordinated and I figured
maybe it'll make me.
Yeah, I can come, too.
I'll come with you.
No, you don't have to come.
Look, you feel, I mean, you look
bloated.
I don't know if you'll feel good
trelax..
All right, okay, just give me
that.
And pray.
Hope not, hope not!
We don't find fetus.
Oh, don't pee on my hand.
Damn it.
Come on, come on.
No, no, no.
No.
Fuck.
Hey, can I help you my friend?
You're Svetlana's new driver,
right?
Are you the guy that used to
drive her?
That I replaced because my skill
level is a little bit better?
You know, I made some choices.
It has nothing to do with your
skill level.
I needed some time to upgrade my
game.
And now I'm back.
Sir, you're gonna have to leave
the premises.
This is where I work.
Put the hands down.
Let's just not make it about
race.
On the inside, we are all white.
What?
What are you?
No, we're not.
You're gonna have to exit.
Hey, hey, hey!
You do not touch another m's
handle.
I've been to Vietnam.
Do you want this?
Dude, you're like 20 years too
young for Vietnam.
I wasn't there for the war, but
I've been there.
I watched "platoon" like 12
times drunk.
I feel it.
Eddya?
Phil, what are you doing here?
Svetlana, I didn't want you to
have to see this.
Hi, Svetlana, how are you?
I'm doing okay.
What is going on?
What's with the stretch here?
I'm back.
I'm back.
And better, better than ever.
You want your old job back?
That's the idea, yeah.
Svetlana, it's time to go.
Nice to see you.
Well, I have to go to the
doctor.
I don't.
Yeah, good work.
Eddy, there's a baby seat in
there.
What, are you stealing cars from
mothers with babies now?
Baby's not there.
It's not kidnapping.
He stole, he steals cars
Svetlana.
It's all right, he likes to
diversify.
I'm sorry, Phil, I'm really
sorry.
I mean, it's good to see you but
you really kind of left me in
the lurch.
I'm a loyal person.
Get the car going, I'll let
myself in.
Svetlana, is this really what
you want?
I mean, look at this.
Well, of course it's not what I
want but I was stuck.
Have you seen my screwdriver?
Eddy, what's happening?
Is the car not starting?
Well, the screwdriver key?
Eddy, I have to get to doctor.
I have to get to doctor, it's
very important.
It's big deal today.
I need a screwdriver!
I don't have screwdriver!
Why would I have screwdriver?
This one's on.
Whoa!
Eddy, eddy, I'm sorry.
I have to get to doctor.
I've got food.
I don't want snacks.
Meet me at dr park's, okay?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Take the baby seat out, meet me
there.
This is nice, wow.
It's very nice.
Yeah, have yourself a drink.
Oh, there's Jack Daniels in
here.
Svetlana!
Parkia, what's the word,
brother?
Well, I have news.
You're pregnant.
Definitely?
Definitely pregnant.
Fuck.
Yeah.
How could I be pregnant?
I'm over the hill already.
You're very fertile.
This is horrible.
I don't know what you're
planning on doing.
What can I plan on doing?
Let's take care of it.
I mean, I don't know who the
father is.
Do I want some guy, some client,
going,
"it's my kid.
Let's go play baseball."
I hate baseball.
You know, he wants to play catch
with the son and you have
visitation.
Right.
And then frisbee, and he wants
meat and potatoes.
And he doesn't like this.
And Ukrainians smell.
I mean, I don't need the
stereotypes.
You know what I'm talking about.
I don't need stereotypes.
Right, I understand.
I mean, it could be one of
thousands.
Don't push it.
Hundreds.
Hundreds, yeah.
So yeah, it might be a good
idea.
It's early enough, yeah?
Yeah, 2 months, 3 weeks, 4 days
on the dot.
That's Valentine's day.
I guess that narrows it down.
But it's also the one day that
vlad had an erection.
He hasn't had sex with in months
and months.
He could never.
You know what I mean?
He's always like, ah and then
eh.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
No, seriously it would start and
then after.
Okay, stop.
I understand.
You the two pump dump.
Two pump, no dump.
That's the one day he delivered.
Is that good news?
Well, I can't get rid of it now.
Probably not.
So congratulations?
I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know.
Maybe.
It is not the ideal environment
to raise a child,
keep in mind.
I don't think your house is
ideal environment either.
You probably have that smell of
steamed rice in your house all
day long.
Right?
With that cooker, the rice
cooker?
It's true.
But let's focus on you right
now,
on your situation.
I'd like to, I'd like to focus
on me.
Okay.
I think at the end of the day.
This is really uncomfortable for
me.
It's uncomfortable for me, too.
I mean, you have these stirrups
made of stone.
It's like Chinese torture, no
offense.
I'm just saying.
Put pads, sometimes they have
little sockies.
Can you please put them back on
the stirrups?
Why not?
Can I do this?
Can I do this.
Okay, no.
Hey!
Surprise.
Okay, all right, all right.
Look, I'm happy now.
Suddenly I'm in good mood.
I may have a child with my
husband.
So this is a good thing?
Yes, it's a good thing.
Well, there you go.
Congratulations.
High five, high five!
So you're keeping it?
Yes.
Hey!
Oh, come on.
I don't.
It's all right, it's okay.
Hey!
All right, great.
You know, I have to change and
go tell vlad.
Okay?
Phil, Phil, I have to get to
dance studio.
You got it.
I have some very important news
to give to vlad.
Oh, for vlad.
Svetlana!
Off we go.
Svetlana!
Ooh, yeah.
Eddy, what are you doing?
Let's do it, I got the ride.
The bicycle?
Why not?
It's built for as many as you
can put on it.
Why not?
I'm pregnant now.
I'm pregnant, I don't have time
for this.
Okay, we have to go to the dance
studio.
Kids love bikes!
I'm sorry.
Dude, that's the best you could
do?
You can have the seat.
I'll just walk you.
Eddy, you've gone too far.
You've gone too far, honey.
Come on, be real.
I have to think of.
I'll escort you.
Svetlana!
No, I don't need escort.
You're going to hurt yourself.
I love you and the kid.
Svlana!
It's just business.
Doesn't matter when you've been
to Vietnam as long as you've
been there.
Eddya.
Hey!
Where's Phil?
I'm gonna say Narnia, right now.
Where's Narnia?
Well, it's wherever his last
thought was,
I think.
Okay, just take me home.
I'm very upset.
How was dance?
It was horrible.
Well, that's just footwork.
No, it was horrible, just take
me home.
Okay.
Oh, good to be back.
I'm such a wreck.
I didn't expect to be so upset
by this.
You know, you'd think that the
woman who sleeps with 40 men a
day wouldn't care if her husband
was with another woman,
but it's upsetting.
Well, maybe he was upset because
you were sleeping with 40 men.
How can I have a child with this
guy now?
The guy who lies to me.
Why don't you just sell the kid?
I'm not, I don't want to even go
through the pain of child
birthing.
Well, you can skip the
childbirth.
Sell what's already been built.
Everything I thought was solid.
I'm like abc after school
special,
you know?
My whole life is in shambles
now.
Well, maybe that's where the
money is.
What?
Shambles.
What does that even mean?
Looking at vlad, the way he lied
to me,
I figure maybe I have to be more
conscientious and find out who
the father is and let them know.
You know, here I am being so
cavalier.
Is there a chance that it's my
child?
How could it be your child?
We haven't copulated in over 10
years.
Maybe it just took a while for
my sperm to get to the egg.
Is your sperm on Vicodin?
Well, they're very lazy at
times,
sometimes they won't even come
out.
I need to figure out who the
father is in a very non-invasive
way and then just make a
decision on what I want to do
with it.
Get someone who specializes in
sneaky stuff and he can find out
who the dad is.
I know exactly who to call.
But you know what, eddy?
Take me back to the dance studio
first.
I have some business to take
care of.
Vlad, what are you doing here?
What do you mean, "what am I
doing here?"
What are you doing here?
Are you having an affair
no!
Why do you?
Look at me, look at me.
I'm looking at you.
How can you?
Svetchka, svetchka.
I find you here with some
chickadee,
some hot blonde who is a foot
taller than me,
by the way.
What is that?
You want taller woman?
No, no, no.
Oh, really?
Because this is good height for
me,
this is good height for me.
I just wanted some dancing.
That's all it was.
I was very vulnerable this
morning,
you know.
I was feeling bloated, I didn't
know what was going on,
I had to pee on sticks.
You pee on stick?
I peed on all the sticks.
You peed on all the sticks?
Yeah.
You're so sweet.
No, no, no.
I'm not feeling it, I'm not
feeling it.
I feel nauseous.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I only went to the ob/gyn
like 2 minutes ago.
I'm sorry.
Your priorities are all askew.
I may have your child in me, do
you know that?
You have my child?
I don't know.
It may not be yours.
Svet, svet!
Talk to the butt cheeks!
Oh, lieutenant Daniel, thank you
so much for coming.
Svengali, right?
Svetlana.
Sv what?
Svetlana.
Whatever.
Yeah, big fan of yours, love
"the wire."
Love it.
Okay, I didn't put anything in
your tea because I know that you
are black.
I mean, you like it black.
You know what I mean.
What's the situation?
I am pregnant.
Oh, congratulations.
Oh, thank you.
You smiled, too.
I didn't know you actually
smiled,
that's nice.
And it might be my husband, and
it might be about 16 other
people, we don't know.
That week was spitzer special,
so basically,
no prophylactics needed, you
know what I mean?
Listen, there's something I need
to explain to you.
Look, I don't know how things
work in Iceland or wherever
you're from, but over here it's
a democracy.
In a democracy, one person is in
charge,
and that's me.
So anything I say is important.
Continue.
Okay.
I just want to fill in some
details,
some "deets" you know what I
mean?
About the perps.
I won't use the lingo.
We're going to have to get all
the evidence together.
And we're going to have to run
it through all the other
inter-departmental agencies.
I don't know if I feel
comfortable incorporating all
those agencies, they haven't
proved effective in the past.
That's true.
It took you, you know, a year to
find Avon Barksdale.
I mean, a year, who takes year
to find?
They're all in the streets there
all the time.
They're hanging out.
What took so long?
Have you done police work?
No.
No.
Are you a trained investigator?
No.
No.
Are you black?
No.
I rest my case.
Let's get to work.
Time is crime.
Time is crime.
All right, lieutenant.
Don't do that unless you've got
a badge.
Okay.
Well, the first time I had that
going,
I ended up sleeping with this
guy.
But he didn't ejaculate inside.
He was external ejaculator.
External ejaculator.
Yeah, but something may have
slipped in because we were using
second sheet.
And ahmadinejad, he was more of
a.
That's Kiko.
I thought we had this
conversation before.
I thought we did, too.
But I told you, that you're
wrong.
That's Kiko Garcia.
Who the heck is Kiko Garcia?
He used to play for the
Baltimore orioles.
This is ahmadinejad.
Anybody looking at him can tell
that it's a Mexican.
Whatever.
Okay you know what?
He's Mexican.
Here, he's Mexican, all right?
And that's Pablo, he's Latin.
You gonna say he's persian now?
No, he looks Italian to me.
No, he's Latin.
He's not persian, Latino.
So he's persian Mexican?
Yes.
Okay, who is this?
Look, lieutenant Daniels, we've
been here-.
Commissioner.
Fucking, I don't give a shit.
Commissioner, major, whatever it
is,
we've been here for 4 hours.
We've made squiggly lines.
You keep telling me this guy's
Mexican.
But it's not happening.
We're not getting to any
conclusions!
Look, I'm used to black
criminals,
okay?
That's what I do!
That's what I do!
That's who I am.
But these are not criminals!
That's how I roll.
Do you understand that
expression?
Suddenly, you're all black on
me.
I don't know what happened.
Before, you were like Mr. James
Earl Jonesy,
and suddenly you get all street!
You know what?
I don't know.
I just know that you're wasting
my time.
What are you doing?
Is that even real?
Is it?
Is it real?
That's it.
Tell me if it's real.
That's it.
Let me see your green card.
Let me see your green card.
I don't have green card.
Let me see your green card.
I don't have!
I know you carry it on you.
Let me see it.
I don't have one!
Let me see it.
I'm illegal!
You are?
I hired you because I like "the
wire" and I like your work and I
think you're a good lieutenant,
commissioner,
major, to help me with
investigation.
Do you know my name?
Do you know my name?
Lieutenant Daniels!
See, that's what I get!
Why do I always have to be?
"Hey, aren't you the guy on "the
wire"?
Aren't you the guy on "the
wire"?
Nobody knows my name!
What?
You're talking in accent.
What?
Nobody knows my name, baby.
I'm just an actor.
I thought it was documentary.
It's a docu-drama, baby!
What is docu-drama?
Svet.
You know how I love you.
Come on.
Svetchka.
I love you, too.
Svet.
Vladkia, why are you on your
knees?
I walked all the way from the
dance studio.
Look, I forgive you, okay?
I forgive you.
We have bigger problems on our
hand than you having some sort
of affair with some blondie
that's 2 feet taller than me.
You know what I mean?
I didn't have an affair.
It doesn't matter, vlad.
You want to have affair, I don't
care.
I fuck 40 guys a day, but don't
lie to me again!
Okay, I'm so sorry.
We're about to have a baby,
maybe.
If I figure out who the father
is.
Okay, let's do it.
Let's do it.
I can't!
I called in the guy from "the
wire,
he couldn't do it.
He was useless.
I've been here with the graphs
and the things and I can't
figure out who I fucked on
February 14th!
Okay, never mind, whoever the
baby's father is,
I don't care.
I want it.
You want it?
You want Ahmadinejad's baby?
Of course not!
What's the matter with you?
Of course not!
That's what I'm saying!
I don't want this guy!
He's.
Please.
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What?
February 14th, yeah?
Yeah.
We didn't have sex on February
14th.
You ejaculated on president's
day.
I remember because we had the
flags.
Look, Dr. parkia, I called you
in because I have to talk to
you.
Okay.
Yeah, you gave me some news.
Did you congratulate vlad?
I did congratulate vlad but for
naught.
You know the term "for naught"?
Like n-a-u-g-h-t?
Yeah.
I did some calculations.
And vlad did not ejaculate on
Valentine's day.
Vlad ejaculate on president's
day.
So obviously it's not him.
Okay.
Yeah, and I kind of went by my
schedule for that day because it
was sporadic day.
There was activity, you know,
romantic specials.
But I also came in for checkup.
On Valentine's day?
Yeah, you remember that?
I had weird thing over there and
I came in.
I remember.
And I also remember that you got
a little feisty.
I don't know if it was me.
I mean, you kind of jumped me.
Well, it's hard for me to jump
in this position,
right?
You mounted me.
You slapped me first.
Yeah, but then you grabbed my
butt cheek.
I did.
And you said, "give it to me,
mama."
And I did.
I did.
But I didn't want it.
No.
No, I know you wept.
I cried.
You did.
And then we did it.
And then you cried some more.
I cried, and then I paid you.
And then you asked for it again.
I did, and we did it again.
And we did it 3 times.
3 times.
And then I swiped your credit
card.
Yes, you did.
Because I didn't want cash.
That's right.
You didn't have cash.
That's right.
And then you gave me a
traveler's check which pissed me
off because nobody uses
traveler's checks anymore.
And how do you still have them?
Right, but I didn't want it.
No, I know you didn't, but we
did it.
So what's your point?
It's your baby.
There's no way.
Well, there are 4 ways.
So we're gonna have a baby?
Well, I think there' s no other
choice.
I don't know.
I mean, vlad wants a child.
Well, it's also my child.
You can be part of our life.
Yeah, we could figure something
out.
Yeah.
I mean, vlad could be father by
day,
you could be father by night.
We could move in together.
Becky could.
Housekeep.
Housekeep.
You know, or check people at the
door,
be bouncer.
Yeah.
You know, for the house.
We could move to Monterey park.
I have a nice home in Monterey
park.
I'm sure you do.
You have fence.
And we could use your rice
cooker.
Yes.
We could, right?
We could have dim sum night.
We could do that.
We could have borsh night.
Borscht.
Borscht.
Yeah, we could do borscht night.
We could have the kid take
violin lessons.
Chess.
Like garry Kasparov.
Cello, yo yo ma.
Yo yo ma.
Not Korean, but that's okay.
We're grouping it together.
Hey, we're grouping them all
together.
Yeah.
All right, let's do it.
Yeah.
All right, I'll call vlad and
we'll set it up.
Daddy Warbucks.
No.
No.
No.
All right, that's okay.
Yeah, I'll be right there.
I'm just putting your car
around.
It's 2-hour parking.
Yeah.
Not hotdogs.
Not good, it'll block the
windpipe,
perfect shape.
What?
Oh, it's the truck?
Okay.
Yeah, nothing, nothing at all.
Bad shape, Bobby.
You're gonna beat it.
Okay.
What?
No, steak's no good.
Okay, yeah.
Why not?
Sure!
I don't know what's wrong today,
Ralphie.
I mean, usually when you rugrat
me like this I feel like we're
wood on wood.
You know, your skinny, I'm
skinny.
But today I feel bloated.
I didn't have any lactose
products yesterday.
I didn't have no breakfast
today,
so I don't really know what it
could be.
Oh, I hope it's not that.
Really?
Could be, you know, I could be
pregnant.
Oh, that would be really messed
up.
Vlad?
Vlad?
Time to start sitting right
again.
Pucker flush?
Oh, my God.
Oh, you definitely don't what
this one.
Vag-bucket.
That's no good, that's no good.
Snatchengil, now that's a good
one.
That's very good.
Really?
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Pucker flush, not so good.
Yeah.
I don't think that's my issue.
It doesn't have as much olive
oil in it,
which is kind of nice.
Olive oil?
How do you know so much about
douches?
My wife, she douches like 8
times a day.
I'm sorry?
My wife.
8 times a day?
Yeah.
She's, you know, a prostitute.
I'm sorry?
She's a prostitute.
Like, literally?
Yeah, yeah, she's literally a
prostitute.
A whore.
I mean, she's great at what she
does.
Don't get me wrong.
She's the best.
Wow.
You're so supportive.
Well, of course, I mean, that's
a job.
It is a job.
And these days, you know, not
everybody has a job.
You gotta do what you can.
You gotta do what you can.
That's so true.
Yeah.
Oh, slut, is that for your wife,
too?
Oh, my God not that I'm calling
her a slut.
Oh, no, no, no.
That was very rude of me.
I think she's pregnant.
I'm so excited.
Is it yours?
Of course it's mine, who else
would it be?
I don't know you said she's a
prostitute.
So I just thought there's a lot
of dipping in the bucket.
That's just a job and she knows
what she's doing.
Good, well, I hope you're
pregnant then.
I'm just excited, I feel like
dancing in the aisle.
Oh, that's so great.
I know, like, woo, woo, woo!
You know?
Oh, wow.
So you're a dancer?
Yes, yes.
Oh, my God I think the lord
totally sent you here for me.
I have a dance class that I'm
going to and my partner had a
rectal bleeding issue this
morning,
so he's not going to be able to
come.
Would you be my dance partner?
Would your wife mind?
No, I'm sure she'll be fine.
She'll be fine.
I would love to, I would love
it.
Vlad.
I'm Chloe, it's so nice to meet
you.
It's the rhythm room in an hour.
In an hour, you got it.
Great.
Okay.
Svet?
Yeah, honey, I'm in here.
What took you so long?
I'm sorry, you know, there's so
many of them,
I don't know which one to buy.
So I bought a few of them.
Look how bloated I am.
Like, I'm never this bloated,
even when I have milkshake.
Look at that.
Wow.
Yeah.
All right, what did you get?
What did you get?
Okay, I got hope not, slut and
fetus finder.
No, fetus finder is good,
actually,
I used it before.
Okay, yeah, all right.
Do you mind if I go dance class
today?
Dance class?
Since when do you take dance
class?
Well, I feel a little
uncoordinated and I figured
maybe it'll make me.
Yeah, I can come, too.
I'll come with you.
No, you don't have to come.
Look, you feel, I mean, you look
bloated.
I don't know if you'll feel good
trelax..
All right, okay, just give me
that.
And pray.
Hope not, hope not!
We don't find fetus.
Oh, don't pee on my hand.
Damn it.
Come on, come on.
No, no, no.
No.
Fuck.
Hey, can I help you my friend?
You're Svetlana's new driver,
right?
Are you the guy that used to
drive her?
That I replaced because my skill
level is a little bit better?
You know, I made some choices.
It has nothing to do with your
skill level.
I needed some time to upgrade my
game.
And now I'm back.
Sir, you're gonna have to leave
the premises.
This is where I work.
Put the hands down.
Let's just not make it about
race.
On the inside, we are all white.
What?
What are you?
No, we're not.
You're gonna have to exit.
Hey, hey, hey!
You do not touch another m's
handle.
I've been to Vietnam.
Do you want this?
Dude, you're like 20 years too
young for Vietnam.
I wasn't there for the war, but
I've been there.
I watched "platoon" like 12
times drunk.
I feel it.
Eddya?
Phil, what are you doing here?
Svetlana, I didn't want you to
have to see this.
Hi, Svetlana, how are you?
I'm doing okay.
What is going on?
What's with the stretch here?
I'm back.
I'm back.
And better, better than ever.
You want your old job back?
That's the idea, yeah.
Svetlana, it's time to go.
Nice to see you.
Well, I have to go to the
doctor.
I don't.
Yeah, good work.
Eddy, there's a baby seat in
there.
What, are you stealing cars from
mothers with babies now?
Baby's not there.
It's not kidnapping.
He stole, he steals cars
Svetlana.
It's all right, he likes to
diversify.
I'm sorry, Phil, I'm really
sorry.
I mean, it's good to see you but
you really kind of left me in
the lurch.
I'm a loyal person.
Get the car going, I'll let
myself in.
Svetlana, is this really what
you want?
I mean, look at this.
Well, of course it's not what I
want but I was stuck.
Have you seen my screwdriver?
Eddy, what's happening?
Is the car not starting?
Well, the screwdriver key?
Eddy, I have to get to doctor.
I have to get to doctor, it's
very important.
It's big deal today.
I need a screwdriver!
I don't have screwdriver!
Why would I have screwdriver?
This one's on.
Whoa!
Eddy, eddy, I'm sorry.
I have to get to doctor.
I've got food.
I don't want snacks.
Meet me at dr park's, okay?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Take the baby seat out, meet me
there.
This is nice, wow.
It's very nice.
Yeah, have yourself a drink.
Oh, there's Jack Daniels in
here.
Svetlana!
Parkia, what's the word,
brother?
Well, I have news.
You're pregnant.
Definitely?
Definitely pregnant.
Fuck.
Yeah.
How could I be pregnant?
I'm over the hill already.
You're very fertile.
This is horrible.
I don't know what you're
planning on doing.
What can I plan on doing?
Let's take care of it.
I mean, I don't know who the
father is.
Do I want some guy, some client,
going,
"it's my kid.
Let's go play baseball."
I hate baseball.
You know, he wants to play catch
with the son and you have
visitation.
Right.
And then frisbee, and he wants
meat and potatoes.
And he doesn't like this.
And Ukrainians smell.
I mean, I don't need the
stereotypes.
You know what I'm talking about.
I don't need stereotypes.
Right, I understand.
I mean, it could be one of
thousands.
Don't push it.
Hundreds.
Hundreds, yeah.
So yeah, it might be a good
idea.
It's early enough, yeah?
Yeah, 2 months, 3 weeks, 4 days
on the dot.
That's Valentine's day.
I guess that narrows it down.
But it's also the one day that
vlad had an erection.
He hasn't had sex with in months
and months.
He could never.
You know what I mean?
He's always like, ah and then
eh.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
No, seriously it would start and
then after.
Okay, stop.
I understand.
You the two pump dump.
Two pump, no dump.
That's the one day he delivered.
Is that good news?
Well, I can't get rid of it now.
Probably not.
So congratulations?
I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know.
Maybe.
It is not the ideal environment
to raise a child,
keep in mind.
I don't think your house is
ideal environment either.
You probably have that smell of
steamed rice in your house all
day long.
Right?
With that cooker, the rice
cooker?
It's true.
But let's focus on you right
now,
on your situation.
I'd like to, I'd like to focus
on me.
Okay.
I think at the end of the day.
This is really uncomfortable for
me.
It's uncomfortable for me, too.
I mean, you have these stirrups
made of stone.
It's like Chinese torture, no
offense.
I'm just saying.
Put pads, sometimes they have
little sockies.
Can you please put them back on
the stirrups?
Why not?
Can I do this?
Can I do this.
Okay, no.
Hey!
Surprise.
Okay, all right, all right.
Look, I'm happy now.
Suddenly I'm in good mood.
I may have a child with my
husband.
So this is a good thing?
Yes, it's a good thing.
Well, there you go.
Congratulations.
High five, high five!
So you're keeping it?
Yes.
Hey!
Oh, come on.
I don't.
It's all right, it's okay.
Hey!
All right, great.
You know, I have to change and
go tell vlad.
Okay?
Phil, Phil, I have to get to
dance studio.
You got it.
I have some very important news
to give to vlad.
Oh, for vlad.
Svetlana!
Off we go.
Svetlana!
Ooh, yeah.
Eddy, what are you doing?
Let's do it, I got the ride.
The bicycle?
Why not?
It's built for as many as you
can put on it.
Why not?
I'm pregnant now.
I'm pregnant, I don't have time
for this.
Okay, we have to go to the dance
studio.
Kids love bikes!
I'm sorry.
Dude, that's the best you could
do?
You can have the seat.
I'll just walk you.
Eddy, you've gone too far.
You've gone too far, honey.
Come on, be real.
I have to think of.
I'll escort you.
Svetlana!
No, I don't need escort.
You're going to hurt yourself.
I love you and the kid.
Svlana!
It's just business.
Doesn't matter when you've been
to Vietnam as long as you've
been there.
Eddya.
Hey!
Where's Phil?
I'm gonna say Narnia, right now.
Where's Narnia?
Well, it's wherever his last
thought was,
I think.
Okay, just take me home.
I'm very upset.
How was dance?
It was horrible.
Well, that's just footwork.
No, it was horrible, just take
me home.
Okay.
Oh, good to be back.
I'm such a wreck.
I didn't expect to be so upset
by this.
You know, you'd think that the
woman who sleeps with 40 men a
day wouldn't care if her husband
was with another woman,
but it's upsetting.
Well, maybe he was upset because
you were sleeping with 40 men.
How can I have a child with this
guy now?
The guy who lies to me.
Why don't you just sell the kid?
I'm not, I don't want to even go
through the pain of child
birthing.
Well, you can skip the
childbirth.
Sell what's already been built.
Everything I thought was solid.
I'm like abc after school
special,
you know?
My whole life is in shambles
now.
Well, maybe that's where the
money is.
What?
Shambles.
What does that even mean?
Looking at vlad, the way he lied
to me,
I figure maybe I have to be more
conscientious and find out who
the father is and let them know.
You know, here I am being so
cavalier.
Is there a chance that it's my
child?
How could it be your child?
We haven't copulated in over 10
years.
Maybe it just took a while for
my sperm to get to the egg.
Is your sperm on Vicodin?
Well, they're very lazy at
times,
sometimes they won't even come
out.
I need to figure out who the
father is in a very non-invasive
way and then just make a
decision on what I want to do
with it.
Get someone who specializes in
sneaky stuff and he can find out
who the dad is.
I know exactly who to call.
But you know what, eddy?
Take me back to the dance studio
first.
I have some business to take
care of.
Vlad, what are you doing here?
What do you mean, "what am I
doing here?"
What are you doing here?
Are you having an affair
no!
Why do you?
Look at me, look at me.
I'm looking at you.
How can you?
Svetchka, svetchka.
I find you here with some
chickadee,
some hot blonde who is a foot
taller than me,
by the way.
What is that?
You want taller woman?
No, no, no.
Oh, really?
Because this is good height for
me,
this is good height for me.
I just wanted some dancing.
That's all it was.
I was very vulnerable this
morning,
you know.
I was feeling bloated, I didn't
know what was going on,
I had to pee on sticks.
You pee on stick?
I peed on all the sticks.
You peed on all the sticks?
Yeah.
You're so sweet.
No, no, no.
I'm not feeling it, I'm not
feeling it.
I feel nauseous.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I only went to the ob/gyn
like 2 minutes ago.
I'm sorry.
Your priorities are all askew.
I may have your child in me, do
you know that?
You have my child?
I don't know.
It may not be yours.
Svet, svet!
Talk to the butt cheeks!
Oh, lieutenant Daniel, thank you
so much for coming.
Svengali, right?
Svetlana.
Sv what?
Svetlana.
Whatever.
Yeah, big fan of yours, love
"the wire."
Love it.
Okay, I didn't put anything in
your tea because I know that you
are black.
I mean, you like it black.
You know what I mean.
What's the situation?
I am pregnant.
Oh, congratulations.
Oh, thank you.
You smiled, too.
I didn't know you actually
smiled,
that's nice.
And it might be my husband, and
it might be about 16 other
people, we don't know.
That week was spitzer special,
so basically,
no prophylactics needed, you
know what I mean?
Listen, there's something I need
to explain to you.
Look, I don't know how things
work in Iceland or wherever
you're from, but over here it's
a democracy.
In a democracy, one person is in
charge,
and that's me.
So anything I say is important.
Continue.
Okay.
I just want to fill in some
details,
some "deets" you know what I
mean?
About the perps.
I won't use the lingo.
We're going to have to get all
the evidence together.
And we're going to have to run
it through all the other
inter-departmental agencies.
I don't know if I feel
comfortable incorporating all
those agencies, they haven't
proved effective in the past.
That's true.
It took you, you know, a year to
find Avon Barksdale.
I mean, a year, who takes year
to find?
They're all in the streets there
all the time.
They're hanging out.
What took so long?
Have you done police work?
No.
No.
Are you a trained investigator?
No.
No.
Are you black?
No.
I rest my case.
Let's get to work.
Time is crime.
Time is crime.
All right, lieutenant.
Don't do that unless you've got
a badge.
Okay.
Well, the first time I had that
going,
I ended up sleeping with this
guy.
But he didn't ejaculate inside.
He was external ejaculator.
External ejaculator.
Yeah, but something may have
slipped in because we were using
second sheet.
And ahmadinejad, he was more of
a.
That's Kiko.
I thought we had this
conversation before.
I thought we did, too.
But I told you, that you're
wrong.
That's Kiko Garcia.
Who the heck is Kiko Garcia?
He used to play for the
Baltimore orioles.
This is ahmadinejad.
Anybody looking at him can tell
that it's a Mexican.
Whatever.
Okay you know what?
He's Mexican.
Here, he's Mexican, all right?
And that's Pablo, he's Latin.
You gonna say he's persian now?
No, he looks Italian to me.
No, he's Latin.
He's not persian, Latino.
So he's persian Mexican?
Yes.
Okay, who is this?
Look, lieutenant Daniels, we've
been here-.
Commissioner.
Fucking, I don't give a shit.
Commissioner, major, whatever it
is,
we've been here for 4 hours.
We've made squiggly lines.
You keep telling me this guy's
Mexican.
But it's not happening.
We're not getting to any
conclusions!
Look, I'm used to black
criminals,
okay?
That's what I do!
That's what I do!
That's who I am.
But these are not criminals!
That's how I roll.
Do you understand that
expression?
Suddenly, you're all black on
me.
I don't know what happened.
Before, you were like Mr. James
Earl Jonesy,
and suddenly you get all street!
You know what?
I don't know.
I just know that you're wasting
my time.
What are you doing?
Is that even real?
Is it?
Is it real?
That's it.
Tell me if it's real.
That's it.
Let me see your green card.
Let me see your green card.
I don't have green card.
Let me see your green card.
I don't have!
I know you carry it on you.
Let me see it.
I don't have one!
Let me see it.
I'm illegal!
You are?
I hired you because I like "the
wire" and I like your work and I
think you're a good lieutenant,
commissioner,
major, to help me with
investigation.
Do you know my name?
Do you know my name?
Lieutenant Daniels!
See, that's what I get!
Why do I always have to be?
"Hey, aren't you the guy on "the
wire"?
Aren't you the guy on "the
wire"?
Nobody knows my name!
What?
You're talking in accent.
What?
Nobody knows my name, baby.
I'm just an actor.
I thought it was documentary.
It's a docu-drama, baby!
What is docu-drama?
Svet.
You know how I love you.
Come on.
Svetchka.
I love you, too.
Svet.
Vladkia, why are you on your
knees?
I walked all the way from the
dance studio.
Look, I forgive you, okay?
I forgive you.
We have bigger problems on our
hand than you having some sort
of affair with some blondie
that's 2 feet taller than me.
You know what I mean?
I didn't have an affair.
It doesn't matter, vlad.
You want to have affair, I don't
care.
I fuck 40 guys a day, but don't
lie to me again!
Okay, I'm so sorry.
We're about to have a baby,
maybe.
If I figure out who the father
is.
Okay, let's do it.
Let's do it.
I can't!
I called in the guy from "the
wire,
he couldn't do it.
He was useless.
I've been here with the graphs
and the things and I can't
figure out who I fucked on
February 14th!
Okay, never mind, whoever the
baby's father is,
I don't care.
I want it.
You want it?
You want Ahmadinejad's baby?
Of course not!
What's the matter with you?
Of course not!
That's what I'm saying!
I don't want this guy!
He's.
Please.
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What?
February 14th, yeah?
Yeah.
We didn't have sex on February
14th.
You ejaculated on president's
day.
I remember because we had the
flags.
Look, Dr. parkia, I called you
in because I have to talk to
you.
Okay.
Yeah, you gave me some news.
Did you congratulate vlad?
I did congratulate vlad but for
naught.
You know the term "for naught"?
Like n-a-u-g-h-t?
Yeah.
I did some calculations.
And vlad did not ejaculate on
Valentine's day.
Vlad ejaculate on president's
day.
So obviously it's not him.
Okay.
Yeah, and I kind of went by my
schedule for that day because it
was sporadic day.
There was activity, you know,
romantic specials.
But I also came in for checkup.
On Valentine's day?
Yeah, you remember that?
I had weird thing over there and
I came in.
I remember.
And I also remember that you got
a little feisty.
I don't know if it was me.
I mean, you kind of jumped me.
Well, it's hard for me to jump
in this position,
right?
You mounted me.
You slapped me first.
Yeah, but then you grabbed my
butt cheek.
I did.
And you said, "give it to me,
mama."
And I did.
I did.
But I didn't want it.
No.
No, I know you wept.
I cried.
You did.
And then we did it.
And then you cried some more.
I cried, and then I paid you.
And then you asked for it again.
I did, and we did it again.
And we did it 3 times.
3 times.
And then I swiped your credit
card.
Yes, you did.
Because I didn't want cash.
That's right.
You didn't have cash.
That's right.
And then you gave me a
traveler's check which pissed me
off because nobody uses
traveler's checks anymore.
And how do you still have them?
Right, but I didn't want it.
No, I know you didn't, but we
did it.
So what's your point?
It's your baby.
There's no way.
Well, there are 4 ways.
So we're gonna have a baby?
Well, I think there' s no other
choice.
I don't know.
I mean, vlad wants a child.
Well, it's also my child.
You can be part of our life.
Yeah, we could figure something
out.
Yeah.
I mean, vlad could be father by
day,
you could be father by night.
We could move in together.
Becky could.
Housekeep.
Housekeep.
You know, or check people at the
door,
be bouncer.
Yeah.
You know, for the house.
We could move to Monterey park.
I have a nice home in Monterey
park.
I'm sure you do.
You have fence.
And we could use your rice
cooker.
Yes.
We could, right?
We could have dim sum night.
We could do that.
We could have borsh night.
Borscht.
Borscht.
Yeah, we could do borscht night.
We could have the kid take
violin lessons.
Chess.
Like garry Kasparov.
Cello, yo yo ma.
Yo yo ma.
Not Korean, but that's okay.
We're grouping it together.
Hey, we're grouping them all
together.
Yeah.
All right, let's do it.
Yeah.
All right, I'll call vlad and
we'll set it up.
Daddy Warbucks.
No.
No.
No.
All right, that's okay.