Testees s01e12 Episode Script

Great it's one of these.
You know it's going to be a doozie when they put us in the cube Good morning Testees.
Hey, why don't you guys come in here? It's not safe.
What are you giving us? We didn't get any pills or injections when we checked in.
Today's drug is a gas.
What? Breathe deeply.
Yes, good.
It smells like sweaty feet What is this stuff; what are we inhaling? It's classified.
Classified? What is it dangerous? Why is it classified? That is also classified.
Please, tell us what this stuff is.
Give us a hint.
No What are we supposed to do? Stay in there for ten minutes then go home.
Do whatever you normally do.
Fill out your symptom reports.
What symptoms? I don't feel anything.
Me neither.
Oh, you will! This is bad.
This is really bad.
Especially if it was invented by Germans.
Look at all of these possible side effects Ron, anyone of these would be a nightmare.
Giant boils, open sores, rectal bleeding.
Do you have any of them? Not yet, but something's coming and it's not going to be good They gassed us.
They don't administer anything good with gas.
There are no gas vitamins.
They use gas to poison huge populations.
Oh my god, you're right.
They use gas on insects too.
Yeah and people on death row.
Jesus Ronmy leg, my leg! I can't feel it! I'm paralyzed.
I've lost the use of my leg.
That means I'm going to be paralyzed too.
Wait, wait, false alarm, the feeling's coming back.
I think it was just asleep.
What were we thinking? Paralyzed, come on.
-What the hell? -What? Look at my hand.
My skin's dry.
It's like my hand is just drying right up? It could be a super raging poison.
We're going to shrivel up into the bodies of 90 year men in a few minute Oh my god, but of course.
Oh my back.
Look at me Ron.
How does my skin look? Do I have any gray hairs? Oh my god you do have gray hairs.
Jesus Ron, I'm scared.
-What have they done to us? -What the hell is this? There's a lump, there's a huge lump on your shoulder! Cancer! Where do you think you're going? Experiment room #9.
Not dressed like that you're not.
You know it's a sterile room.
You need to wear proper Testico issued attire.
I am.
Oh really? See I didn't get the rhinestone and cape memo.
I'm not going to let you sign in until you change.
What's wrong peaches? Menopause? I thought I smelled something rotting.
I don't understand why you think you're so cool Larry.
I don't think I'm cool I know I'm cool.
No, no you're not.
You're a slimy 40-year-old wanna-be lady's man who has awful taste in clothes and a dead-end job testing drugs.
You've got a lot of spunk for a secretary.
-I'm a receptionist! -Oh really? And you're a joke.
See that nail polish you're wearing, I tested it.
Your hairspray, all me baby.
You tested my hairspray? You're my hero.
Face it Larry, a monkey can do your job.
Oh wait a monkey is doing your job in experiment room 7.
You think my job is easy? -Yes -You think anybody can do it? - Anyone.
- Prove it Hey Pete, it's the bone, it's not cancer.
I think.
-Ron, look at me.
-What? You don't see it? What? Just tell me.
Look at the size of this toothpaste! Shit, big toothpaste.
What does it mean? The toothpaste never used to be this big.
-Yeah it is bigger.
-Wrong I'm smaller.
Shrinking.
Oh my god, they gave us shrinking gas? You're right.
In a few hours we're going to be the size of ants.
What do we do? Go get your magnifying glass and meet me in the living room.
-What ? -There's no time to ask questions, just do it! I don't understand why we can't just go to Testico.
If we go outside and keep shrinking we're going to get attacked by a cat and then a bird and eventually a grasshopper We've got to stay in here where it's safe and we got everything we need.
We got a magnifying glass so people can see us.
We got weapons so we can protect ourselves.
And we got this rope here so we can climb down to the floor Put knots in it so we can climb easier.
What about the cracker? Month's supply of food.
And the remote control? how are we going to change the channels if we're tiny? We're going to jump on the buttons.
Makes sense.
Now we wait.
All right, coast is clear.
Still time to chicken out baby.
Not a chance.
I'm doing this to shut you up So what are we testing here Taron? ShhDon't tell her.
Personally I like to keep it a surprise.
-A surprise? Why? -Tricks of the trade baby.
Makes it easier to identify the symptoms.
You need to understand I am a master of this shit.
Now shut up and open wide.
Me first.
-Larry -All right Tastes like peppermint.
Easy, I feel nothing Like I said Larry, anyone can do it, so get over yourself What? Yeah, 5-8, same size as you ever were.
-It seems short -Well you're a small man But we're not shrinking.
Well something is going to happen to us Ronsoon.
They wouldn't just give us a drug that doesn't do anything, would they? -How would I know? - Yeah, how would you know? - What are you saying? What do you think I'm saying? I think you're saying that I know what they gave us.
- Well, do you? - Of course not - Do you? - Me? Course not, I just asked you.
Which would be the perfect way of stopping me from asking you Oh, you're good damn good.
- Where you going? - I'm going to make hotdogs.
Testico said go home and do what we normally do.
Well on Thursdays we normally eat hotdogs.
Wait a minute! Do what we normally do that's it The drug in the gas is dormant, it's waiting.
I guess it needs a trigger.
Yeah, it becomes active when it interacts somehow with something from our daily lives Somethingnormal.
Sugar, salt tomatoes all in one bottle, the most normal ingredients in the world.
Anything could be the trigger.
Vitamins? Minerals? Do you know how easy it would be to consume a mineral and not even know it? Look in the freezer.
We haven't used that thing in years.
Grandma's perogies! Of course the old poison gas and perogy combo.
Nice try Testico That's everything.
Good, now all that's left is the stuff in the bathroom.
Our cleaning supplies, our clothes, our furniture, the rugs, the stuff on the walls, the stuff in the walls and we'll be safe.
Yeah, safe.
Dot, dot, dot Don't tell me you're that stupid Ron No, no.
Let's go do our enemas.
No answer, they must be out.
What? Why is everyone avoiding me? Because you smell like you have just eaten a month-old dead goat I'll be fine, I'll have a mint.
Look track down Mr.
Cooper and Mr.
Mitchell.
Without those symptom reports we have no idea how the paranoia gas is affecting them Okay Space shuttle should be directly above us.
Now Testico would be so pissed if they knew we haven't eaten, slept or gone to the bathroom.
Yeah but they can't know because we blocked out the frequency right Exactly my friend, so the tracking devices they put in us can't transmit.
And we're facing magnetic north so we should be invisible to their probes -They don't know who they're dealing with - So all we can do is wait.
-What the hell was that? -It's my stomach.
-Oh Jesus Ron, it's hatching? -What? Whatever they put inside you.
I'm sorry buddy you're already infected.
Good afternoon, Testico.
Can I help you? Testico.
Problems there pumpkin? I can handle it Larry.
- Oh my god, what? - You want to marry me -Oh my god -That's not what I said Bedshe wants to go to bed.
I'm not even tired.
You know what baby; I've already banged youmove on.
I hate you.
You want to rape me? I got witnesses, that's sexual assault.
Listen baby, where I come from no means no.
Well I have a take me on, I can take it.
Take it? Can I take this? Call me when you want it to end.
Stop moving Ron, we only have one shot at this.
I'm going to cutalong here the alien should be here.
-You said it was right here -Well it moved -Now keep still -Okay, just get it out of me I'm not going to lie to you Ron, this might hurt.
Wait, how come I'm infected and you're not? - What do you mean? - I mean what if there is no infection? Don't be stupid, we both know there's an infection.
Now hold on.
You really want to cut me open don't you buddy? What are you trying to stop me? I see it's too late, your brain has already been infected Who are you and what have you done with my friend? I'm beginning to think that you made up this whole alien hatching thing because you want me dead.
- Call him, call him.
- Okay, I will call him I know you want the antiserum Amy, what were you thinking? You were not supposed to take this test.
You are a secretary.
Receptionist! This spray is a powerful covert weapon using radioactive isotopes to break down the body the way the paranoia gas breaks down the mind.
It's a low dosage.
Eventually reversible, but it has serious side effects.
Inflammation of the tongue, the saliva glands, boils on your face, hair loss, clammy, sallow skin.
Thank you.
The hump was unexpected.
I don't want to hear it.
These are for professional testees only.
I am extremely disappointed with you.
Besides I can't give you the precious antidote.
Larry already picked it up.
I'm not going to let you kill me! The way you killed Ron.
And so it begins.
I'm going to kill you.
Die alien scum.
I'll see you in hell.
You killed my friend.
Who are you? What have you done to Ron? What planet are you from and what do you want? Go to space and die.
Wait, wait, wait, wait Maybe there's no poison or government conspiracy to kill us Maybe it's all in our heads.
Yeah, you could be right.
I mean look at you.
-You're wearing a dart board -You are wearing a strainer We're such idiots.
It was probably just a harmless gas that does nothing.
Yeah they gave it to us on purpose, the bastards.
I can't believe I thought you were an alien.
Hello? Hello? Who was it? I don't know.
Well what did they say? Is that so? Please give me the antidote.
Hi Amy, looking for this? The antidote? The antidote.
You haven't figured it out have you Amy? The rhinestones, thecapeyou were right when you said any monkey can do these tests.
I just need the right little monkey to do this test for me See I'm just not into the radioactive shit.
It's okay, open your mouth.
But I need you to say it just once.
You're not just a testee, you're Larry.
Say it.
Say it.
No? Ah, my finger.
Not much further Ron.
We're just going for a little ride in the car.
Damn it, why can't I ever get this thing to go down.
Pull the lever on the passenger side near the back.
Right.
Help, somebody help me.
Sorry Ron.
You understand Pete, don't do this.
Help! It's for your own good Ron.
You'll be safe now.
I'm your best friend.
Yes Ron.
Don't leave me here.
I don't want to I really don't but you didn't leave me much choice did you Ron? I don't want to die Pete.
Yeah, I know.
Good bye Ron, don't call back again, I don't have free nights and weekends Ron, I had the strangest dream.
You were supposed to fill out your symptom reports and come in when we called you.
Well we didn't know it was a paranoia gas.
Who would you even make that for? The military, they could drop it on enemy combatants Causing them to turn on each other and become easy targets.
Yeah, well it works.
How soon can you come in for a full workup? Hard to say idiots! Ron, you still there? Pete, I'm still alive.
Well that's a relief right? It's all over.
It's not all over.
You have to get me out of here.
I'm running out of air.
I'm sorry.
Do you know where you buried me? Do you have any idea? This place looks so different at night.
How much batterydo I have left? Where'd you bury me? Will you hang tight Ron, I'll find you Eventually