That '80s Show (2002) s01e12 Episode Script

1 Hey, guys, listen.
I am having a cookout on the beach Friday night.
Can you guys please come? What's the occasion? Owen's coming home from a long tour of duty, and you know how he loves the sea.
Oh, I'll make my world Famous ambrosia salad.
[ALL LAUGH.]
It's--it's my grandmother's recipe.
[ALL LAUGH.]
She's dead.
Ha ha Ha Ha ha ha.
Oh, so dead is off-limits now? Oh, you have a listening station.
Maybe I should get something new for the party.
Something with a nautical theme.
That won't make people seasick.
Hi there.
I'd like to purchase these, please.
Well, let's see.
  South Pacific,   carousel,   sound of music.
Are you in drag or do you just like the show tunes? I just love show tunes.
They cheer me up.
Hey, you get any more cheerful, you might explode.
Well, you have yourself a wonderful, wonderful day.
You, too.
Make sure you tell your doctor that librium's really working out for you.
Am I a crazy head or did I see a Laura Ashley shop on this block? Oh, look, a rainbow! Oh, and I've got a really good wish! What's that? Oh, well, my roommate split in the middle of the night, so I've gotta find a new one.
How do you know she's gone for good? Well, I don't know for sure except there was this note saying, "Kiss my ass.
I'm gone for good.
" '80s I'm living in the '80s '80s ♪ I have to push, I have to struggle ♪ oh Roger, why aren't you sleeping on your own Couch? I can't.
I just armor-alled it.
Listen, uh, let me ask you something.
Tuesday's roommate skipped out on her, so she needs a new roommate, and I was thinking maybe I would move in.
What do you think? Ho ho ho, my friend.
Could you be more specific, Santa Claus? You don't want to do that.
Ok.
How come? Well, you're missing a step.
You went from basic math to calculus.
Where's the algebra, baby? I don't know.
You need to do these things in increments.
When Patty started staying over, she got a hook in the closet.
After a few weeks, I gave her part of a shelf.
Someday, maybe I'll let her use the bathroom.
All right.
So you're saying slow down.
Ok.
I see your point-- surprisingly.
Come on, face it.
What's your rush? You've got it made here.
Fridge is full, Cable's free.
The beauty part is your best friend lives 15 feet away.
[LAUGHS.]
Good point.
Oh, and about that, if you could close your window when Patty's over.
No offense, I just can't stand to hear another fake orgasm.
Yeah, I am pretty loud, huh? Rt, if cossima is so serious about buying your tv fitness apparatus Empire, then why is she late? Cossima Blair is always late.
That's her trademark.
That and shoes that go clickity-clickity-Click.
Oh, and also trying to destroy videx.
[CLICKITY-CLICKITY- CLICKITY-CLICK.]
Rt.
Cossima.
My god, every time I see you, you get more handsome.
And you get more beautiful.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Cossima, this is my director of marketing, Sophia.
Oh, I see you still like pretty things around the Office.
Hmm.
As opposed to antiques? Meow.
Your little Kitty has claws, rt.
Let's get down to business, shall we? All right, then.
Let me make this perfectly clear.
Videx is not going to merge with buffco.
Not now, not ever.
Oh, but, rt, just think, if we were to merge, think of all that capital We'd have, all that cash that would flow in and out and in and out.
Cossima.
That's miss Blair.
Sorry.
Cossima.
After looking at buffco's numbers, only a fool would complete your merger.
Why is that girl talking? Well, until tonight, then.
You know where to find me.
May I suggest a place with dim lighting? May I suggest a breath mint?   Arrivederci, Darling.
  Ciao.
I don't trust her, rt.
I know.
That's what makes it so fun.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, Darling, you have something on your lip.
Let me get it.
Mmm.
Delicious.
I know what you're up to.
It's not going to work, because no matter what you do, videx will never merge with buffco.
I beg to differ, rt.
I beg.
Greater women than you have tried to seduce me, cossima.
But have they ever done This? Hello again! I am so sorry to bother you, but I was listening to my marvelous albums yesterday, and sadly, boo-hoo,   carousel is warped.
Can I exchange this please or possibly get a refund? No refunds.
No exchanges.
Get out! I'm sorry, but I'm not really sure what I did to deserve that amount of hostility.
Do you want to think about what you just said? No.
Well, I'm not leaving here until you take this album back.
I'm not taking that back.
Get out! No! You won't leave my record store? No.
Do you have any idea who you're messing with? Do you have any idea who  you're messing with? Finally, work gets interesting.
So, how did the interview with the prospective roommates go? Oh, uh, I could have a guy who may or may not have to go on dialysis because of steroid use or a tunisian woman that raises ferrets for pets or meats-- not sure.
What if I told you I wanted to move in? Well, I'd need to see a credit report.
You know, I've been thinking it's time to move out of my house.
I'm at your place all the time, anyway, and I've never taken steroids.
This is all real.
Allnatural.
You--you'd really want to do that? Why not? Well, I guess it does kind of make sense.
Really? Yes.
Congratulations.
You just edged out the ferrets.
Hey, Dad.
Can I talk to you for a minute? Stop right where you are.
Ok.
Can you smell my cologne from there? Not really.
Good.
Now take one step closer.
Can you smell me now? Yes.
Perfect! What do you want? I'm thinking about moving out.
Uh-huh.
Is it that time of year again? No.
I really mean it this time.
I'm gonna move into Tuesday's place.
What? You-- [SNIFFS.]
aramis.
Well done, rt.
You're gonna move into Tuesday's? We talked about this.
We decided we weren't ready.
We changed our mind.
Just remember, son.
When you live with a woman, she's going to come home and want to tell you how her day was.
Every day.
Are you saying that you and Tuesday are that serious that you're willing to give up our dream of a 2-bedroom on the Marina with a wet bar and remote control drapes? Yes, we're serious.
We've talked.
Well, I've talked and she doesn't leave the room anymore, and for her, that's huge.
I don't believe this! Why did I steal that "Welcome to sizzler" Sign if this wasn't gonna happen? Look, tuesday needs a roommate, and it just seems right.
You know what seems right to me? Hating you.
Well, that's very mature.
Are you saying you're more mature than me? Well, then, seĂ'or maturioso be sure to pack that box of hot wheels you have in your closet.
You son of a-- Oh, yeah! I saw them.
Surprise! We're helping the earth! [WEAKLY.]
Surprise.
You want us to clean the beach? [SIGHS.]
I thought this was a barbecue.
It is.
But instead of Cleaning up after ourselves, let's do it before.
I don't think you've noticed.
I am wearing my hot-party-at- the-beach outfit, not my hot-pick-up- sticky-garbage-at- the-beach outfit.
We're outta here.
No! We love this beach.
We use this beach.
We should protect this beach.
Plus, I'm getting graded on it.
Why are we doing this at night? Here's a good reason: Because Katie wants to.
Ok, people, bring back an empty beer can, get a full one.
Ok, no, you're right.
This is a good thing to do, right? Yeah, ok.
I'll tell you what, tuesday and I will take this section over here.
Katie, you and Owen go down over there, and Roger and Patty will take the area near the highway.
Great! We'll meet back here in an hour.
Let's go.
[BURPS.]
Corey, pick that up.
Ok, we're done.
Sophia, you're not gonna like this one little bit, but I've decided that this merger with Buffco makes sense.
You slept with her.
Yes, I did.
Rt, if I merged companies with Every person I slept with, I'd be a multinational conglomerate.
I happen to be deeply in love with cossima, and she with me.
Oh, rt, how could you be so blind? Cossima knew you'd say that.
She said you wouldn't understand.
You can't do this.
This company is mine to take over.
If anyone should be using you, it should be me.
Oh, that's where you're wrong, little girl.
Only one man runs this company, and that man is me.
I've got to pick up cossima at the hairdresser.
Run my company while I'm gone.
Look at him sitting over there not helping Katie, pretending he's not thinking about me.
Roger, so he's moving in with tuesday.
I am sorry you're disappointed, but friends move on.
You haven't said anything about my hair.
I like your hair.
Can't help it if it's been overshadowed by deceit and betrayal! Ok, what's up with Roger? He had this big dream we were gonna share a bachelor pad with circular beds and a swim-up bar.
I'm not sure I can compete with that.
You can fit a heineken in my shower caddy.
He'll get over it.
It's just like when he wanted us to wear matching blazers to the science fair.
We were supposed to be team octagon.
I don't even know what that means.
I think it means you didn't get laid a lot.
Or at all.
When the dog bites when the Bee stings when I'm feeling sad ♪ I simply remember My favorite Things ♪ and then I don't feel so-- bad ready to negotiate? Get out! Gladly.
As soon as you give me my refund.
Let me think about that.
You must be really hungry, seeing as how you haven't eaten in 6 hours.
Oh, no.
I took some dexatrim.
I'm fine.
Margaret's such a pretty name.
What did they call you when you were little? None of your business.
Maybe they didn't call you very much at all, did they? Left-handed.
Interesting.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Damn.
Rt.
Guess again.
Of course.
I should've known.
Cossima.
That's co-president cossima to you, Darling.
You bitch! Leave rt alone.
This company is mine.
Oh, really? Well, if this company is yours, why is it now called Co-vi-BUFF-CO-dex-vo? Understand this, cossima.
I'm the one in power here.
Rt is my puppet.
He's my puppet now.
You see, I deliver on a silver platter, while you're just a little tease on a paper plate.
[GASPS.]
And I love you, too.
Sophia! What the hell is going on here? Don't ask me.
Ask the woman who loves you.
Cossima, how could you? Rt, it's not what you think.
It never is.
This merger is off.
Oh.
Rt, no, you can't do that.
It's a little too late.
Those contracts are already signed.
Oh, really? These contracts? You'll regret that.
I love you.
This--this merger is not over.
I'll see you in court.
I'll see you in hell! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Oh! Whoo! Ok.
Whoo! Oh.
Oh, yeah! Look, Roger.
I'm sorry, man, But think about it.
Hey, wouldn't you rather have that great place we dreamed about all to yourself so you could rub it in my face? Well, to be honest, in my fantasy, I never really saw you there.
You just paid half the rent.
Hey, good luck, man.
Isn't this a great night? Let's do more jello shots.
Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Katie, you're partying without me? I'm sorry I ditched you, Owen.
I was thinking globally, acting locally, and limboing drunkenly.
Katie, this really makes me mad.
I can't be mad at you.
[GIGGLES.]
So you and Corey are moving in together? That is so cool.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The more I drink, the more I'm ok with it.
I always move in with guys I go out with right away.
That way, I can test drive, see if it's gonna work.
Yeah.
I mean, it's just 2 people living together.
What could go wrong? You gonna finish that? What do you think? I'm really happy for you and tuesday.
I think moving in together is the right decision.
Well, we're just sort of trying it.
"Decision" Sounds so definite.
It's really more of a choice, I think.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's more of a choice.
Corey, I've noticed whenever you have these conversations with me that become conversations with yourself, you're sort of doubting something.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
I am doubting this.
It's just I'm the one that talked her into it.
Corey, hold that thought.
I'm gonna go behind that dune and throw up.
So is it a power thing, or is it fear, really? Oh, my god! Why won't you stop? Or maybe you don't know where your anger comes from.
Yes, I do.
I'm a bully because this is the only place I have power.
These records are my friends, my family my children.
They're all I've got.
I was wrong.
I'll never, ever, ever throw anyone out of the store again.
I'll give you a refund.
I don't need a refund.
My work here is done.
Good luck to you, Margaret.
Thanks.
God bless you.
Toodles.
Oh, good.
You're still open.
Get out! I still got it.
Hey, I found a football.
Go long, Roger.
Keep going.
Go! [SPLASH.]
[LAUGHING.]
Roger, your hair! Classic.
It's even better when you're on a ship.
Hey.
So, uh, you and Katie talking about the big move? Yeah.
She thinks It's a good thing.
So you're ok with this? You're not having second thoughts? No.
Are you? Because I'm good.
I don't want you to feel like I'm pressuring-- no, no.
No.
So am I.
But if you weren't, I would totally understand.
Oh, no, I know, because you can't always know-- absolutely not.
Once you jump into something.
Oh, yeah.
Then it's too late.
We shouldn't.
I don't think.
Good, 'cause I don't, either.
Well, unless you want to-- please, let's not start this again.
Look, I just-- I love you too much to screw this up.
What did you just say? I said I don't want to screw this up.
No.
You said, "I love you.
" Well, do you? What just happened here? I think you know.
[COUGHS.]
are you ok? Oh, my god.
I was this close to death.
Every outfit I've ever worn flashed before my eyes.
You saved my life.
You threw up in my mouth a little bit.
God, you're hot.
I know.