The Addams Family (1964) s01e12 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family MAN: Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch 's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family - Lovely day, isn't it? - Yes.
The chill goes right through you.
Look at them.
Oh, they have such good times together.
- Well, here we are.
- Is this the Addams house? Yep.
Are you sure this is the place you wanna go to? Why, yes.
Okay.
You know, it's not too late.
I could still take you back into town and turn you over to those Travelers Aid.
- No, thank you.
- Okay, lady.
I wonder who that could be? It may not be a who.
It may be a what.
You optimist.
A relative.
- Morticia? It's me.
- Cousin Melancholia! Oh, darling! Gomez, you remember Melancholia.
Who could forget that face? I know I should have called, but everything happened so fast.
- Everything? - It's Fred.
- My intended.
- He jilted you.
Well, I can't really say.
He just took back his ring, sold his farm and joined the Foreign Legion.
That is kind of indefinite.
I just didn't know what to do.
I'm glad you came to us in your hour of trial.
And you remember Mama? I always said that you'd grow up to be a beauty.
Oh, Mama, you haven't changed a bit.
And you haven't lost a bit of your looks.
The vain old thing takes hours to get herself together.
It certainly shows.
Darling, why don't you go upstairs and freshen up and we'll talk it all over later.
Follow me.
MELANCHOLIA: Oh.
It's so good to be where you feel at home.
I'd better make her a nice hot cup of henbane juice.
MORTICIA: Thank you, Mama.
Gomez, is there anything we can do to help Melancholia? Well, if we can't help her, who can? - We have to find her a man.
- But where? Darling, you have so many vast business interests, you must know someone.
Well, let's see now.
There's old Charlie Carlisle the accountant.
- No, he's dead.
- He wouldn't be right.
Melancholia needs someone dashing, handsome, charming.
Like you, darling.
Carinito, you're really making it tough.
Now, now, now, Cleopatra, you're much too young to take tea.
GOMEZ: Yes, indeed.
That's right.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, she'd make a perfect wife.
Yes, I see.
Uh-huh.
Well, then, it's obvious I have the wrong number.
- Any luck? - Seven refusals.
Fortunately, three of them were wrong numbers.
We just have to keep trying.
What about Ed Franzen, the fellow who works at the monument company? - Much too flighty.
- You're right.
Even when he's carving those inscriptions he can't stop giggling.
- Darling, have you tried your salt mine? - No, by Jove! They used to have a pretty lively crowd down there.
I just know this is gonna work.
It's got to, I'm running out of companies.
Hello? Sutton? Addams here.
Say, we've got a ravishing young cousin here who's just dying for some company.
Oh, well, thanks anyway.
Keep the salt rolling.
- Nothing? - Nothing.
But don't despair, we'll find someone.
- How about a marriage broker? - Capital idea! I know just the one.
Hasty Marriage.
The same one we got for Cousin Gripe.
Hasty Marriage? How are you fixed for grooms? Really? He says they've got a complete selection.
How romantic.
Tell them to send over a few, and then Melancholia can take her pick.
How about sending over a few samples? Oh, you know, one tall, one short, one fat, one thin.
Better make that two thins.
The name is Addams.
Hello? Hello? I think we were disconnected.
It's just as well.
I think we should get one of our own.
You're right, we should.
- Lurch.
- Oh, dear, not Lurch.
- He's such a playboy.
- That's all an act.
You'll see.
You rang? Lurch, have you ever given thought to the blissful joys of marriage? You see? Underneath that devil-may-care, he's a sentimental softie.
Lurch, we have a lovely girl for you.
Sweet, soft and soulful.
I thought you wanted him for Melancholia.
I'm talking about Melancholia.
Now, now, Lurch, control yourself.
You mustn't appear overanxious.
Now, about the wedding date.
- Obviously he prefers a long engagement.
- Nonsense.
Two people so ideally suited.
Why wait? - How about eloping tonight? - Please.
Well, it is a bit hasty.
How about tomorrow night? We'll all go together.
We'll make it a combination elopement and picnic.
Darling, somehow I don't think Lurch takes to the idea of an elopement.
All right, forget the elopement, we'll just go on the picnic.
It's a lovely idea! But I do believe Melancholia would rather be married.
No.
By Jove, Morticia, I'm beginning to believe you were right.
He is a playboy.
Very well, Lurch, you may go.
But, remember, there will never be another Melancholia.
Never.
They would have made a lovely couple.
I just love weddings.
They always make me cry.
Oh, thank you, Thing.
Thing? Have you ever given thought to the blissful joys of marriage? The Things of today.
Forget it.
I think Melancholia would prefer a professional man.
A doctor.
Or a lawyer.
HARVEY: No, no, no.
Not me.
I will not go back to that Addams house, never.
But a deal like this.
Think of your wife and children.
- I have no wife and children.
- Then think of mine.
- This deal could mean millions.
- Not worth it.
Come on now, Harvey, you have to.
This is the chief reason I brought you back into the firm.
You're the only lawyer in our office who's had any contact with them.
I would rather have contact with a nest of scorpions.
Oh, come on, now.
So the family is a little eccentric.
The point is we have a job to do.
If it means going back to that house, I am not going to do it.
What am I asking you to do? An important client wants something Addams has.
All you have to do is go over there and discuss it with him.
Go on, make an appointment.
I knew I could depend on you.
Mr.
Addams, please.
Oh, he's not home? The whole family's gone on a world cruise? The whole family's gone on a world cruise.
Try it now.
First I need a good stiff drink.
It's no use, I can't find a man anywhere.
Oh, poor Melancholia.
Doomed to spinsterhood.
Oh, Melancholia, darling, we were just talking about you.
- I know.
Nobody wants me.
- Oh, what nonsense.
No.
I'm cursed.
Fred isn't the first tragedy in my life.
I got as far as the altar with Elmer.
- What happened? - I got there but Elmer didn't.
- He just ran off.
- Foreign Legion? - South America.
- That is better climate.
Well, darling, it's obvious.
They felt unworthy.
Hello? Yes, this is Mrs.
Addams speaking.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Harvey.
Just a moment.
Darling, it's that nice young lawyer, Mr.
Harvey.
He wants to talk to you.
Not now, this is all too disturbing.
Mr.
Harvey, I'm afraid Mr.
Addams can't come to the phone right now.
He's involved in a little family problem.
Oh, I see.
Well, I'm sure an old bachelor Like myself can't be of any help.
Bye.
It's no use.
He didn't even get on the phone.
Your problem is solved.
- Mama! What in the world? - Love dust.
Don't you remember? Worked wonders for you and Gomez.
Oh, of course.
How thoughtful of you, Mama.
- It'll bring the men howling.
- Are you sure? Well, we'd better use a double dose.
- There, that ought to do it.
- Thank you, Mama.
What's so funny? - Gomez, she's crying.
- Oh.
Darling, don't you worry, we'll find you a man.
You may have to lower your standards a bit.
Oh, I feel just awful bothering you two.
And interfering with your business.
- You probably offended that man.
- Oh, no, Mr.
Harvey's very understanding, - even though he is a bachelor.
- Yes, he's a very - Bachelor! - Bachelor! Yes? Oh, of course.
Mr.
Addams.
- Look, I don't want to impose.
- Impose? My dear fellow, to you the Addams home is Liberty Hall.
It's just a little business matter.
- Excellent.
Plan to stay all evening.
- Thank you.
- Well, how does it look? - Wonderful.
Mr.
Harvey is a very suave, sophisticated man.
So let's get rid of these homey things, shall we? You can wear anything of mine that you like.
Oh, they're gorgeous! - Oh, Cousin Morticia, you're too generous.
- Darling, what's family for? Now come along to the mirror.
I want to pluck your eyebrows.
When I finish with you you won't recognize yourself.
- Is Mr.
Harvey a real good friend of yours? - Oh, yes.
He's a little bit shy and reserved.
I'm afraid you'll have to take him in hand.
In both hands.
Are you sure he'll come? He's probably dying to come.
They're not home.
Well, some other time.
Harvey, old man! - So good to see you again.
- Nice to be back.
- Lurch, a drink for our friend.
- Oh, thank you, I'm not thirsty.
Nonsense, it's something special.
The Vat '68.
Look, Mr.
Addams, I don't wanna take up your time.
I know you're a very busy man.
But all we want is an option on an itty-bitty, worthless piece of African land you've got.
Worthless? With all those fine subterranean bat caves? Come, come, Harvey, you're not talking to a child.
Here we are.
Superb.
- Really, I don't want any of that.
- Please, Harvey, I never drink alone.
Besides, you look as though you can use a drink.
You must've had a pretty hard day.
Oh, the day was all right.
It's the night.
- Well, drink up, there's plenty more.
- I'll bet.
It really hits the spot.
Harvey, you're not drinking.
Wait.
Now we have something to drink to.
To the ladies.
Ever seen two lovelier girls? I know the one on the right is your wife.
But what is Who's the other one? That's Mrs.
Addams' cousin, Melancholia.
You like her? - Oh, yes, she's lovely.
- Good.
She's your date.
- Am I dead? - Of course not, silly.
Oh, too bad.
- Where are the others? - They thought we'd like to be alone.
I don't know about we, but I would.
- I've got to put something in my car.
- Something in your car? - What? - Me.
Out for a little air, old man? This has been a rather heady experience.
- You gave us quite a scare.
- I gave you a scare? I thought I was gonna be a widow before I was a bride.
- I beg your pardon? - Melancholia does that to a man.
But don't you worry about it.
You'll feel a lot better when you get some food in your stomach.
Mama is cooking up a real surprise.
I am so hungry I could eat a wolf.
Gomez, you guessed it! Superb dinner.
That belladonna sauce really brings out the flavor.
- You didn't eat much, Harvey.
- The excitement.
Love is that way.
I suddenly felt all chilled and goosebumpy, too.
Well, a little bicarb and you'll be fine.
Would you two lovebirds like to dance? - No, thank you.
- Love to.
Only first I have to fix my face.
Now, if you'll just Look over these contracts What was that? Love dust.
Mama is an incurable romantic.
All she ever thinks about is love, love, love.
Well, all I ever think about is business, business, business.
Excellent, a woman needs a good provider.
Especially Melancholia.
She's a bit extravagant, I'm afraid.
But she's so much in love she's about to burst.
Well, that would solve everything.
I mean, your cousin's a lovely girl.
Too lovely for just one man.
So why don't I call you tomorrow? We can talk over the deal on the phone.
- You wanted something, sir? - Just out.
Oh, nonsense, the evening is just getting underway.
- I'm back.
- You see? Oh, Melly.
You light up the room.
I am sure you and Melancholia have lots of things to talk about.
So why don't you just sit down? But watch him, Melly darling, he's a charmer.
- He's one of our most dashing bachelors.
- Is that nice, Mr.
Harvey? When did you decide to become a bachelor? Just tonight.
Now, about this deal My! You're a jumpy one.
Mr.
Addams, it seems they've discovered oil on your game preserve in Nairobi.
- Did you say oil? - Oh, just a few drops.
Oh, Gomez, Mr.
Harvey doesn't want to talk about any old oil.
But I do, I do! Oh, I can't wait to hear him say that to a preacher.
- Now, if you'll just sign right here - I have to think about it, Harvey.
After all, I do owe something to the bats.
But we don't want all of it.
Just one teeny little well.
Oh, Gomez, give it to him.
Nairobi's such a romantic place.
Those lovely nights with the hyenas howling.
Makes a perfect spot for a honeymoon.
You're so right, Mrs.
Addams, you really have a good business - Honeymoon? Whose honeymoon? - Why, yours and Melancholia's.
- Provided she accepts your proposal.
- I accept.
- Welcome to the family, old man.
- But No buts.
I'll take these into the library and look them over.
In the meantime, you two can go in the conservatory and make your plans.
We'll drink a toast to the bride and groom.
You rang? Champagne for the newlyweds, Lurch.
Mr.
Addams, maybe I better go with you and explain some of those clauses.
And leave your love-starved Little dream girl all alone? - Nonsense.
- But Don't they make a handsome couple? He's a man, she's a woman.
Perfect match.
Hard to believe we just met.
This whole evening has been pretty unbelievable.
- Don't you think it's fate? - No.
Just my luck.
Oh, what a lovely thing to say! - Kiss me.
- Kiss you? You don't want me to tell Gomez you're afraid, do you? No, no, please, let's keep him out of this.
Well, then.
Kiss me.
I'll keep my eyes closed.
- Is it all right if I close mine, too? - Of course, silly.
Oh, no! You are a bashful boy.
Maybe this will cure you.
I just love weddings, don't you, darling? Mmm-hmm.
- They're so romantic.
- Out of my way.
- All right, where is she? - Who are you? Gomez Addams here.
Never mind that, where's Melancholia? Fred.
I thought you'd joined the Foreign Legion.
Not the Foreign Legion, you rock-head.
The American Legion.
- But, dear, you took the ring back.
- I had to.
Your finger was turning green.
- I brought you a nice brass one.
- Oh, thank you! Oh, Ralph, this is my fiance, Fred.
Fred, this is my fiance, Ralph.
You mean I'm gonna have to fight for you? - Oh, no, no.
- Okay.
This is so romantic.
Come on.
Thanks for the hospitality.
Well! Oh, Mr.
Harvey? Mr.
Harvey.
Wake up.
Wake up, Mr.
Harvey.
- Am I still alive? - Very much.
And here are the signed papers.
You've got a deal.
Don't you worry about that ungrateful Melancholia.
I've got lots of cousins.
I have to get this nice and clean for Pugsley.
- What is it? A telescope? - An African blowgun.
That reminds me.
Do you miss Melancholia? No, indeed, my dear, I'm glad she's gone.
Ungrateful wench.
Now, now, remember blood is thicker than water.
Thank heaven.
She certainly wasn't the right girl for Harvey.
- He's a nice man, isn't he? - Yes, indeed.
I ought to give him more of my legal business.
I think that's an excellent idea.
Why don't you call him? I think I'll do that.
There.
It's all finished.
What do you think, darling? Do you think Uncle Crimp will like his new sweater? I hope so.
Looks like a perfect fit.
Mr.
Harvey, please.
Oh, I see.
He's left town.
- For long? - I'm afraid so.
He's joined the Foreign Legion.