The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e12 Episode Script
The Great Feud
COME AND LISTEN TO MY STORY âBOUT A MAN NAMED JED, A POOR MOUNTAINEER BARELY KEPT HIS FAMILY FED.
AND THEN ONE DAY HE WAS SHOOTIN AT SOME FOOD, AND UP THROUGH THE GROUND COME A BUBBLING CRUDE.
OIL THAT IS, BLACK GOLD, TEXAS TEA.
WELL THE FIRST THING YOU KNOW OL' JED'S A MILLIONAIRE, THE KIN FOLKS SAID, "JED, MOVE AWAY FROM THERE".
SAID, "CALIFORNY IS THE PLACE YOU OUGHT TO BE", SO THEY LOADED UP THE TRUCK AND THEY MOVED TO BEVERLY, HILLS THAT IS, SWIMMING POOLS, MOVIE STARS.
THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.
NOW COME ALONG AND VISIT WITH THE CLAMPETT FAMILY AS THEY TAKE YOU TO THEIR MANSION IN THE HILLS OF BEVERLY, AND WHEN THEY DO YOU'LL RUN INTO A FRIEND OF THEIRS YOU'VE MET, THAT GOOD OLD FRIEND WITH FILTERED BLEND, WINSTON CIGARETTE.
WINSTON TASTES GOOD LIKE A CIGARETTE SHOULD.
(SINGING) NOW GET A GRIP UPON YOUR CHAIRS AND HOLD YOUR CHILDREN TIGHT, A MIGHTY FEUD IS STARTIN' AND YOU'LL SEE IT ALL TONIGHT.
THE CLAMPETT CLAN IS FIGHTIN' MAD, THEIR HONOR'S BEEN BESMIRCHED, SWEET ELLY MAY'S BEEN COURTED, BUT THE DARLINâ AIN'T BEEN CHURCHED.
IT WAS YOUNG SONNY DRYSDALE THAT COURTED HER AND FLED, AND NOW THE DRYSDALE FAMILY Willi FEEL HOT CLAMPETT LEAD.
âCAUSE, STRANGER, YOU DON'T TRIFLE WITH A HILL MAN'S DAUGHTER FAIR, OR YOU WILL FACE HIS RIFLE AND HE'LL DEEPLY PART YOUR HAIR.
NOW HERE'S THE HANDSOME RASCAL THAT STARTED THIS HERE FEUD, A HARVARD, YALE, AND PRINCETON MAN, A SHIFTY CITY DUDE.
HIS GAME WAS LOVE AND RUNAWAY "CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY HE LIVES, BUT THEY DON'T ALLOW SUCH DOINGS WITH THEIR FEMALE RELATIVES.
SO NOW THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY NEXT DOOR A-LOADED UP FOR BEAR, AND IF MY NAME WAS DRYSDALE 'D BE GETTING OUT OF THERE.
"CAUSE MOUNTAIN JUSTICE DOES DEMAND THAT WHEN A WRONG'S BEEN DONE, THE KIN OF HIM THAT DONE iT MUST ALSO FACE A GUN.
NOW SONNY NOTICED ELLY MAY BESIDE THE SWIMMING POOL, AND WHEN HE SEEN HER FIGURE HE LOST HIS YEN FOR SCHOOL.
HE WRAPPED HIMSELF UP IN A TOWEL AND PLAYED UPON HIS LYRE, AND WHILE HE TWANGED, THE SONGS HE SANG DID SET HER HEART AFIRE.
HE DROVE HIS FANCY AUTO UP AND TOOK HER OUT TO SPARK, AND ALL ALONE, UNCHAPERONED HE KEPT HER AFTER DARK.
HE TOOK HER IN THE PARLOR AND HE TAUGHT HER TO BE GRAND, HE SHOWED HER HOW TO WALK AND TALK AND TRIED TO KISS HER HAND.
HE TOOK HER TO HIS PRIVATE ROOM TO SEE HIS LOVING CUP, AND A MAN THAT WINS A PRIZE FOR THAT AIN'T ON THE UP AND UP.
HE WOOED HER WITH A TANGO AND A ROSE BETWIXT HIS TEETH, A SMILING ON THE OUTSIDE BUT A-LEERING UNDERNEATH.
THEY EVEN HAD A WEDDING DANCE AND HE JOINED IN THE FLING, HE BROUGHT ALONG HIS DANCING SHOES BUT DIDN'T BRING NO RING.
THE CLAMPETTS WAS A PLANNIN FOR A WEDDIN' AND A VEIL, BUT THEY WAS DUPED, HE FLEW THE COOP, AND WENT RUNNIN BACK TO YALE.
AND NOW THE CLAMPETT CLAN IS HERE TO EVEN UP THE SCORE, I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE THE MAN WHO OPENS UP THAT DOOR.
HE'LL HAVE TO FACE THEIR FURY, ON REVENGE THEY ARE INTENT, AND IF HIS NAME IS DRYSDALE HIS LIFE AIN'T WORTH A CENT.
IT'S THAT BUTLER FELLA.
WHEN WILL YOU CLAMPETTS LEARN THERE ARE NO POSSUMS TO HUNT IN BEVERLY HILLS.
IT AIN'T POSSUMS WE'S AFTER, IT'S DRYSDALES.
WELL, THEY'RE NOT AT HOME.
MRS.
DRYSDALE RETURNED TO BOSTON WITH SONNY, AND MR.
DRYSDALE'S AT THE BANK.
LET'S SHOOT HIM.
NOW GRANNY, AIN'T GONNA BE NO SHOOTIN' LESS THEY'S TALK FIRST.
WHEN WILL MR.
DRYSDALE BE HOME? NOT UNTIL LATE THIS EVENING.
THAT'S TALK ENOUGH.
LET'S GO TO SHOOTIN".
NOW, GRANNY, YOU CAN'T SHOOT AN UNARMED MAN.
THAT'S RIGHT, I LOST MY HEAD.
HERE! NOW WHEN JETHRO COUNTS THREE WE GO ATIT.
ONE, TWO NOW HOLD ON.
MR.
BUTLER HERE AIN'T DONE US NO WRONG.
HE'S ONE OF THEIR CLAN.
I SAID THERE AIN'T GONNA BE NO SHOOTIN' UNLESS THERE'S TALK FIRST.
I'LL SPEAK TO MR.
DRYSDALE.
THANK YOU KINDLY, MR.
BUTLER.
YES.
THANK YOU VERY KINDLY, MR.
BUTLER.
WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK HIM TO DANCE WITH YA? I WAS ASHAMED OF YOU IN FRONT OF THESE YOUNG'UNS.
THAT ANY WAY TO LEARN 'EM FEUDIN? GRANNY.
IT TAKES MY FAMILY TO KNOW HOW TO FEUD.
WHY WE DROVE THE BODKINS CLEAN OUT OF NAPOLEON, TENNESSEE.
CHASED THEM OFF, BURNT THEIR SHACK, AND SHOVELED THEIR FOOT STEPS OFF THE PATH.
HOT DIGGETY DOG! THAT'S WHAT I CALL FEUDIN'.
I'M SURE PROUD TO COME FROM A FAMILY LIKE YOURS, GRANNY.
THAT'S THE MOSES FAMILY.
TOO BAD OUR BLOOD IS BEING THINNED OUT, COOLED OFF AND WATERED DOWN WITH THE CLAMPETT BLOOD.
NOW, GRANNY, YOU JUST SIMMER DOWN TO A BOIL.
PLL SEE THE RIGHT THING IS DONE BY MY DAUGHTER.
JETHRO, YOU DRIVE ME DOWN TO THE BANK.
MR.
DRYSDALE AND ME WILL HAVE A MAN TO MAN TALK.
AIN'T YOU ABOUT A MAN-AND-A-HALF SHORT? YOU WAIT HERE.
I'LL GO AND SEE MR.
DRYSDALE.
YOU FLUSH HIM OUT, UNCLE JED, I'LL GET HIM ON THE RUN.
NOW WHO TOLD YOU TO BRING THAT? GRANNY.
SHE SAYS THERE'S GOTTA BE ONE FIGHTING MAN IN THE FAMILY.
YOU JUST DRIVE AROUND AWHILE AND COOL OFF.
PICK ME UP HERE IN ABOUT A HALF HOUR.
OKAY, UNCLE JED.
(ALARM SOUNDING) (SCREAMING) MR.
DRYSDALE, THE BANK'S BEING ROBBED! YES, AND MY DUTY IS CLEAR.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? AS PRESIDENT OF THIS BANK THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE FOR ME AT A TIME LIKE THIS, MY BULLET PROOF CLOSET.
OOH! GRANNY! GRANNY! GRANNY, ELLY MAY! COME QUICK, THEY CAPTURED UNCLE JED! GRANNY! JETHRO SAYS THEY GOT PA.
COME ON, GRANNY! THE DRYSDALE'S GOT UNCLE JED.
I DROPPED HIM OFF AT THE BANK AND WHEN I COME BACK, THEY'D CARRIED HIM OFF SOMEWHERE.
AMBUSHED! THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.
THAT BUTLER FELLER.
HE TOLD THEM HE WAS COMING AND THEY LAID A TRAP FOR HIM.
WHAT DO WE DO, GRANNY? AN EYE FOR AN EYE AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.
THEY TOOK ONE OF OURN, WE'LL TAKE ONE OF THEIRN.
WHERE'S YOUR GUN, JETHRO? I GAVE IT TO UNCLE JED.
I RECKON THE DRYSDALES GOT IT.
WE LOST THE FIRST BATTLE.
THEY TOOK OUR LEADER AND OUR BEST GUN, BUT WE AIN'T LOST THE FEUD.
COME ON! AS JEB STEWART SAYS, WHEN THEY THINK THEY GOT YOU LICKED, ATTACK! (SINGING) WELL NOW THE FEUD IS GOING HOT.
THE CLAMPETTS LOST A MAN, THEIR LEADER NOW /!S GRANNY FROM THE FIGHTING MOSES CLAN.
GRANNY LEARNED HER FEUDIN' WHILE A CHILD ON MOTHER'S KNEE, WHEN THE MOSES' DROVE THE BODKINS FROM NAPOLEON, TENNESSEE.
NOW, JETHRO, WHEN HE OPENS THE DOOR YOU GRAB HIM.
ELLY, HOLD HIS GUN.
YES 'EM.
OKAY, GRANNY.
LET'S GO.
PUT ME DOWN! PUT HER DOWN, JETHRO, WE DON'T WANT HER.
WHO DON'T? WE DON'T.
WHAT'S GOING ON? THE Y'S A FEUD GOING ON.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, ELLY? FEUDIN'S FUN.
JETHRO, PUT HER DOWN.
THEY GOT ONE OF OUR MEN FOLKS, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE ONE OF THEIR MEN FOLKS.
HOW ABOUT WE TAKE HER ALONG AS KIND OF AN EXTRA.
NO.
NOT UNLESS THEY'D CAPTURED ONE OF OUR WOMEN FOLKS.
ELLY MAY, YOU GO IN THERE AND SURRENDER.
I AIN'T GONNA DO ITI! JETHRO, PUT HER DOWN.
HOW 'BOUT I TOTE HER AS FAR AS HOME AND THEN LET HER ESCAPE, A LITTLE AT A TIME.
WAIT.
WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS? HE'S THE ONE WE WANT.
YOU TOTE HIM, ELLY, MY ARMS IS FULL.
PUT HER DOWN BEFORE I TAKE YOU TO THE WOOD SHED.
YOU LOOK AWFUL BUSY, GRANNY.
MAYBE I SHOULD GO TO THE WOOD SHED AND WAIT FOR YOU.
JUST QUIT IT! I THINK I'D BETTER CALL THE POLICE.
STOP IN YOUR TRACKS WHILE YOU'RE ABLE TO MAKE 'EM.
NOW YOU TURN AROUND.
WALK TOWARDS OUR HOUSE.
I REFUSE TO TAKE ONE STEP.
(GUNSHOT) NOW! YOU WANT TO WALK OR YOU WANT TO LIMP? MARIE, RUN INSIDE AND PHONE THE POLICE.
NEVERMIND HER, JETHRO, SHOOT THE TELEPHONE WIRE.
(GUNSHOTS) THERE'S WHAT'S HAVING YOUR MIND ON WOMEN CAN DO TO YA.
IT TOOK YOU TWO SHOTS TO GET THAT WIRE.
NAH, GRANNY, I GOT TWO WIRES.
GOOD WORK, LIEUTENANT.
YOU'VE APPREHENDED WHAT IS OBVIOUSLY A VERY DANGEROUS CRIMINAL.
I'M COMING OVER TO PERSONALLY HAND THE REWARD MONEY TO YOU AND YOUR MEN.
WHAT'S THAT? OH, JUST TO YOU, VERY WELL.
MISS HATHAWAY, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO DRIVE ME OVER TO POLICE HEADQUARTERS.
YOU'RE INTERESTED IN PSYCHOLOGY.
I'M COMPLETELY INTRIGUED WITH THE SUBJECT.
WHAT'S THE CONNECTION? THE FELLOW WHO TRIED TO ROB OUR BANK MUST BE A COMPLETE NUT.
THEY'VE GOT TWO PSYCHIATRISTS WITH HIM.
WHAT ARE HIS PSYCHOTIC SYMPTOMS? HE CLAIMED TO HAVE 25 MILLION DOLLARS.
(BOTH LAUGHING) NO, IT COULDN'T BE! I KEEP A TELLIN' YA AND A TELLIN' YA, I GOT 25 MILLION DOLLARS IN MR.
DRYSDALE'S BANK.
NO YOU DIDN'T.
THEY CAUGHT YOU BEFORE YOU GOT A PENNY.
YOUR PATIENT, DOCTOR.
OBVIOUS DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR.
NOW TELL ME, ABOUT THIS BANK ATTEMPT.
DID YOU HAVE ANY ACCOMPLICES? ANY WHAT? CONFEDERATES.
OH YEAH, GRANNY.
SHE'S A CONFEDERATE.
SHE'S A TENNESSEE MOSES.
TENNESSEE MOSES? THAT'S RIGHT.
TELL ME, DID SHE LEAD HER PEOPLE OUT OF TENNESSEE? SURE DID, AFTER THEY WHOOPED THE BODKINS.
DON'T YOU MEAN THE EGYPTIANS? WELL THEY PROBABLY WHOOPED EGYPTIANS TOO IF THEY GOT IN THEIR WAY.
GRANNY'S FOLKS WAS FIGHTING FOOLS.
THEY CERTAINLY WERE.
THEY DEFEATED THE BEST FIGHTERS PHARAOH HAD.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BUT THEY WHOOPED THE BEST FIGHTERS NAPOLEON HAD.
NAPOLEON? DOCTOR, MAY I? YOU MAY NOT.
I'M THE ONE WHO UNCOVERED THIS HALLUCINATION.
TELL ME ABOUT NAPOLEON.
YES.
YOU SAY GRANNY'S FOLKS WON THAT FIGHT? THEY SURE DID.
OVER NAPOLEON? OH YEAH, THEY TROMPED ALL OVER NAPOLEON.
FABULOUS.
BUT HOW WERE THEY ABLE TO DO IT? DID THEY FIGHT WITH SUPERIOR WEAPONS? NO, THEY FOUGHT WITH BODKINS.
I SEE, AND NAPOLEON DIDN'T HAVE ANY BODKIN? NOT AFTER GRANNY'S FOLKS GOT THROUGH WITH THEM.
NAPOLEON DIDN'T HAVE A BODKIN LEFT.
I REMEMBER THE LAST DAY OF THE FEUD THEY GOT LEIF AND LUKE AND ODDS.
ODDS? ODDS BODKIN.
PLEASE! ALL RIGHT, BUT JUST FOR A MINUTE.
WILL IT BE SAFE MR.
DRYSDALE? OH IT'LL BE PERFECTLY SAFE TO LOOK AT HIM THROUGH THE BARS, AFTER ALL IT'S MR.
CLAMPETT! WHAT IN THE WORLD! MISS JANE, MR.
DRYSDALE, THEY SURE DIDN'T TREAT ME VERY GOOD OVER AT YOUR BANK.
MY FIRST VISIT TOO.
LET THIS MAN OUT OF HERE.
HE'S GOT $25 MILLION IN MY BANK.
OPEN THIS DOOR, OPEN IT, OPEN IT! LIE DOWN, MISTER.
LIEUTENANT! LIEUTENANT! GOT THE PRISONER ALL TIED UP, GRANNY.
GOOD.
CAN I GO BACK AND GET THE OTHER ONE NOW? NO YOU CAN'T.
YOU KEEP YOUR MIND ON YOUR FEUDIN'.
CLOSE THE GATES? YES, MA'AM.
THROW UP THE BARRICADE? YES, MA'AM.
GOOD.
HERE, YOU WALK SENTRY WHILE I CHECK THE LOOKOUT.
ELLY MAY, ANY SIGN OF THE ENEMY YET? NOT YET, GRANNY.
ALL CLEAR.
SOUND THE ALARM IF YOU SEE A DRYSDALE A-COMIN'.
I WILL, GRANNY.
YOU SEE, ALL MY EMPLOYEES ARE TRAINED TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR BANK ROBBERS, SO NATURALLY WHEN THEY SAW YOU WALK IN WITH YOUR RIFLE, THEIR FIRST INSTINCT, WELL, IT APPEARED TO THEM IT WAS JUST YOU'RE NOT MAD ARE YOU, MR.
CLAMPETT? WELL NO, NOT ABOUT THE BANK.
BUT WE'S ALL RIGHT UPSET AT SONNY FOR RUNNING OFF AND JILTIN' ELLY MAY.
SONNY? JILTING ELLY MAY? WELL THAT'S WHAT WE'D CALL IT.
HE SPARKED HER FOR TWO WEEKS RUNNIN'.
TOOK HER DRIVING AND DANCING AND HELD HER HAND AND KEPT HER OUT PAST DARK.
BACK WHERE WE COME FROM THAT'S JUST THE SAME AS SAYIN' "WILL YA," PROVIDED THE GIRL IS TWELVE OR BETTER.
MR.
CLAMPETT, YOU HAVE MY WORD OF HONOR, I HAD NO IDEA ELLY MAY OR ANY OF YOU TOOK SONNY SERIOUSLY.
NOW, THE MOMENT WE GET TO YOUR HOUSE, I'M GOING TO TELEPHONE SONNY IN BOSTON, GET HIM ON THE FIRST PLANE, AND HE'LL BE HERE TONIGHT TO PROPOSE MARRIAGE TO ELLY MAY.
WELL NOW, THAT SURE IS GONNA SMOOTH GRANNY'S RUFFLED FEATHERS.
SHE'S BEEN MADDER THAN A BAREFOOT CENTIPEDE STANDIN' ON A HOT ROCK.
SHE'LL BE HAPPY WHEN WE GET THERE.
YES, BLESS HER SWEET LITTLE HEART.
GRANNY, I SEE 'EM, THEY'S COMINI HOW MANY IS THEY? MISS HATHAWAY AND MR.
DRYSDALE.
AND THEY'S HOLDING PA PRISONER.
COME ON DOWN.
WE'LL STOP THEM AT THE GATE OR BLAST 'EM AT THE BARRICADE! JETHRO! THEY'S A COMING! GET READY TO DO BATTLE! BARE YOUR HEAD IN THE PRESENCE OF THE STARS AND BARS! THEY'S GETTING TO THE GATE.
TAKE COVER.
EVERYBODY INSIDE.
WE'LL SHOOT AT THEM THROUGH THE PORTHOLE.
YOU WON'T HIT PA WILL YOU, GRANNY? DON'T WORRY, HONEY.
I CAN HIT A NEW LAID EGG OUT OF THE NEST WITHOUT BUDGING THE HEN.
I'LL GET THE GATE.
STOP WHERE YOU ARE, STAY RIGHT THERE.
(GUNSHOT) GRANNY, IT'S ME, MR.
DRYSDALE, I'M COMING IN (GUNSHOT) LET'S GET OUT OF HERE FAST! THAT'LL LEARN THEM YANKEES WHO THEY'RE FEUDIN' WITH.
(SINGING) NOW HERE'S THE DRYSDALE MANSION WHERE HE'S FLEEING LIKE A RAT, SINCE GRANNY PUT A BULLET THROUGH HIS 20-DOLLAR HAT.
BUT EVEN HERE HE CAN'T ESCAPE THE SCOURGE OF TENNESSEE, âCAUSE SHE'S GOT ELLY SPYING FROM THE TIP TOP OF A TREE.
GRANNY, THEY TOOK PA OVER TO THE DRYSDALE'S HOUSE.
COME ON DOWN, WE'LL GO GET HIM! WELL I RECKON WE'LL HAVE TO CALL HER ON THE TELEPHONE.
WHEN GRANNY'S FEUDIN' SHE'S SOMETIMES HARD TO REASON WITH.
RECKON SEEING YOU WITH THAT RIFLE KIND OF SET IT OFF.
BUT THAT WOMAN SHOT AT ME.
OH, MR DRYSDALE, SHE SHOT AT YOUR HAT.
IF THAT LITTLE OL' WOMAN EVER GOES TO THROWING LEAD AT YOU, YOU'LL BE CASTING A POLKA DOT SHADOW.
MARIE, RAVENSWOOD, WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER THE DOOR? OH, THANK GOODNESS IT'S YOU.
THE CLAMPETTS CAME AND CAPTURED RAVENSWOOD.
CAPTURED HIM? YES, AND JETHRO PICKED ME UP IN HIS ARMS.
HE HELD ME AND HELD ME AND WOULDN'T PUT ME DOWN.
WHY? SAID HE WAS FEUDING.
WELL NOW DON'T YOU WORRY, MARIE, WE'RE GOING TO GET THIS WHOLE THING ALL STRAIGHTENED OUT.
MARIE.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR FRIGHTENING EXPERIENCE WITH JETHRO.
WELL, THERE WAS A KNOCK.
I OPENED THE DOOR AND JETHRO JUST SWEPT ME UP INTO HIS BIG STRONG ARMS, HELD ME TIGHT, AND WOULDN'T LET ME GO.
AND HE SAID THAT WAS FEUDING? YES.
THAT'S WHY I WAS AFRAID TO OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT NOW.
WELL YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH A SHATTERING ORDEAL.
GO AND LIE DOWN.
I'LL WATCH THE FRONT DOOR.
COME ON, JETHRO, WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE DRYSDALE'S HOUSE.
HOT DIGGETY DOG, THAT'S THE PART OF FEUDING I LIKE! AND WE'RE TAKING YOU WITH US, MR.
BUTLER, AND IF THEY'VE HARMED ONE HAIR ON JED, THAT ONE HAIR YOU GOT WILL PAY THE PRICE.
OH, WON'T YOU PLEASE LISTEN TO ME? MR.
DRYSDALE'S NOT FEUDING WITH YOU, HE'S A PEACEFUL MAN.
HE'S NEVER SHOT ANYTHING BUT SKEETS.
SKEETS? HOW MANY DID HE GET? OH HE DID VERY WELL, 98 OUT OF 100.
THAT'S BETTER THAN WE DID WITH THE BODKINSI! WE'RE READY, GRANNY.
COME ON, YOUNG'UNS, WE GOT OUR FEUDING CUT OUT FOR US.
THAT DRYSDALE'S A SHOOTING FOOL.
NOW, ELLY MAY, YOU CARRY THE FLAG HIGH AND PROUD.
IF THEY SHOOT YOU, DON'T YOU LET IT TOUCH THE GROUND.
THROW IT TO JETHRO AS YOU'RE FALLING.
I'LL DO IT, GRANNY.
WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR? IF THERE'S ANY LONG RANGE SHOOTING THEY'LL THINK HE'S ONE OF US AND DROP HIM FIRST.
FORWARD, MARCH! HMM, NO WONDER THE PHONE WOULDN'T WORK.
MARIE SAID JETHRO SHOT DOWN THE WIRES.
WELL, WE CAN GO NEXT DOOR AND USE THE MILLERS' PHONE.
YEP, BEEN CUT WITH A RIFLE BULLET.
KIND OF RAGGED THOUGH.
JETHRO MUST HAVE BEEN UPSET.
THAT'S BAD SHOOTING TO CUT THOSE LITTLE WIRES WITH THE RIFLE? WHY WHEN THAT BOY PUTS HIS MIND TO IT HE CAN PICK A GNAT OFF A PLATE OF GRITS AT 500 FEET IN A HEAVY FOG.
(WHISTLE) I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN OUTSHOOT HIM, EXCEPT FOR GRANNY AND ELLY MAY.
WOW, WHAT SKEET SHOOTERS YOU'D MAKE.
WHAT'S SKEET? OH, THEY'RE CLAY PIGEONS, THAT'S WHAT I SHOOT.
CLAY PIGEONS? OH, IT'S WONDERFUL, I LOVE IT.
YOUR WIFE MUST BE A FIRST RATE COOK.
(SINGING) NOW HERE COMES GRANNY'S LITTLE BAND TO FREE THEIR LEADER JED, AND ANYONE THAT BLOCKS THEIR PATH MIGHT JUST AS WELL BE DEAD.
FOR THOUGH THEIR NUMBERS MAY BE SMALL THE FLAG THAT LEADS THEIR WAY, 1S THE FLAG THAT LED PICKETT'S CHARGE AT GETTYSBURG, PA.
STOP FOR A MINUTE.
IGOT A IDEA.
WE USE MR.
BUTLER HERE AS A DECOY AND WE'LL SURPRISE 'EM.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, GRANNY? YOU KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND YOU YELL TO THEM INSIDE THAT IT'S YOU, THEN WE'LL RUSH IN AND WE'LL GET JED.
AND MAYBE SOMEBODY ELSE TOO, HUH, GRANNY? YOU KEEP YOUR MIND ON YOUR FEUDIN.
COME ON.
IT'S ME, RAVENSWOOD.
OPEN UP.
MARIE.
YOU MAY OPEN IT? NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF, IT'S JUST RAVENSWOOCD.
STEP ASIDE, DECOY.
ELLY YOU GUARD HIM.
JETHRO, WHEN THEY OPEN THE DOOR, WE'LL RUSH 'EM.
YEAH.
WHERE'S JED, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HIM? TALK FAST.
H-H-HE'S NOT HERE, HE'S NEXT DOOR WITH MR.
DRYSDALE.
SEARCH THE HOUSE, JETHRO.
JETHRO! JETHRO! YEAH, GRANNY? PUT HER DOWN.
SHE'S LIGHT AS A FEATHER! PUT HER DOWN AND GO LOOK FOR YOUR UNCLE JED.
NOW GO SEARCH THE HOUSE.
NOW, JETHRO, YOU'RE UNFAMILIAR WITH THE PLACE.
I'LL SHOW YOU AROUND.
WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? A FEUD, IS A FEUD.
THIS WAY, PLEASE.
GRANNY, HERE COMES PA AND MR.
DRYSDALE.
I'LL PICK THAT VARMINT OFF LIKE I PICKED A BODKIN OFF A RAIL FENCE.
ELLY MAY, WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING? I'M GUARDING THE DECOY, PA.
RAVENSWOOD! YOU BOSTON YANKEE.
BARE YOUR HEAD IN THE PRESENCE OF OUR FLAG.
DID YOU SAY "OUR" FLAG? MY FAMILY CAME FROM TENNESSEE.
MINE DID TOO! JED, I ALWAYS DID LIKE THIS MAN.
WHY SURE, GRANNY, AND HE'S GOING TO MAKE SONNY DO THE RIGHT THING BY ELLY MAY.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, PA? GONNA MAKE SONNY COME BACK HERE AND MARRY YOU.
I DON'T WANT TO MARRY SONNY.
YOU SEE, GRANNY, THE WHOLE DOG-GONE FEUD WAS FOR NOTHING.
NOT ALTOGETHER, JED.
WHY WE MIGHT NEVER HAVE KNOWN THAT MR.
DRYSDALE HERE, WAS A FINE GENTLEMAN FROM TENNESSEE.
TELL ME, EVER HEAR OF THE MOSES FAMILY? HEAR OF THEM, WHY MY MOTHER'S FAMILY FEUDED WITH THEM FOR YEARS.
YOU MEAN YOUR MOTHER WAS A BODKIN.
MR.
DRYSDALE, DON'T ASK ME WHY, JUST COMMENCE TO RUNNIN'.
YOU HEARD HIM.
RUN, YOU YELLOW BODKIN, I AM A MOSES! UGHI (GUNSHOTS) FOR A CITY FELLER HE SURE CAN RUN.
LIKE A SCARED RABBIT.
WELL, LET'S GO HOME.
JETHRO, PUT HER DOWN.
AW, LISTEN, GRANNY.
I HEARD YOU AND UNCLE JED TALKING ABOUT WHAT TO GET ME FOR CHRISTMAS.
THIS HERE WILL SAVE YOU SHOPPING.
JETHRO, YOU CAN'T TAKE HER HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, NOW PUT HER DOWN.
ONE OF THESE DAYS I'VE GOT TO HAVE A LONG TALK WITH THIS BOY.
WELL, NOW IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE TO JED AND ALL HIS KIN, AND THEY WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU FOLKS FOR KINDLY DROPPING IN.
YOU'RE ALL INVITED BACK NEXT WEEK TO THIS LOCALITY, TO HAVE A HEAPIN' HELPIN' OF THEIR HOSPITALITY.
HILLBILLY THAT {S, SET A SPELL, TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF, Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, Y'HEAR? THE NATIONAL SAFETY COUNCIL SAYS SEAT BELTS COULD SAVE FIVE THOUSAND LIVES A YEAR.
USE YOUR SEAT BELTS.
THIS HAS BEEN A FILMWAYS PRESENTATION.
AND THEN ONE DAY HE WAS SHOOTIN AT SOME FOOD, AND UP THROUGH THE GROUND COME A BUBBLING CRUDE.
OIL THAT IS, BLACK GOLD, TEXAS TEA.
WELL THE FIRST THING YOU KNOW OL' JED'S A MILLIONAIRE, THE KIN FOLKS SAID, "JED, MOVE AWAY FROM THERE".
SAID, "CALIFORNY IS THE PLACE YOU OUGHT TO BE", SO THEY LOADED UP THE TRUCK AND THEY MOVED TO BEVERLY, HILLS THAT IS, SWIMMING POOLS, MOVIE STARS.
THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.
NOW COME ALONG AND VISIT WITH THE CLAMPETT FAMILY AS THEY TAKE YOU TO THEIR MANSION IN THE HILLS OF BEVERLY, AND WHEN THEY DO YOU'LL RUN INTO A FRIEND OF THEIRS YOU'VE MET, THAT GOOD OLD FRIEND WITH FILTERED BLEND, WINSTON CIGARETTE.
WINSTON TASTES GOOD LIKE A CIGARETTE SHOULD.
(SINGING) NOW GET A GRIP UPON YOUR CHAIRS AND HOLD YOUR CHILDREN TIGHT, A MIGHTY FEUD IS STARTIN' AND YOU'LL SEE IT ALL TONIGHT.
THE CLAMPETT CLAN IS FIGHTIN' MAD, THEIR HONOR'S BEEN BESMIRCHED, SWEET ELLY MAY'S BEEN COURTED, BUT THE DARLINâ AIN'T BEEN CHURCHED.
IT WAS YOUNG SONNY DRYSDALE THAT COURTED HER AND FLED, AND NOW THE DRYSDALE FAMILY Willi FEEL HOT CLAMPETT LEAD.
âCAUSE, STRANGER, YOU DON'T TRIFLE WITH A HILL MAN'S DAUGHTER FAIR, OR YOU WILL FACE HIS RIFLE AND HE'LL DEEPLY PART YOUR HAIR.
NOW HERE'S THE HANDSOME RASCAL THAT STARTED THIS HERE FEUD, A HARVARD, YALE, AND PRINCETON MAN, A SHIFTY CITY DUDE.
HIS GAME WAS LOVE AND RUNAWAY "CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY HE LIVES, BUT THEY DON'T ALLOW SUCH DOINGS WITH THEIR FEMALE RELATIVES.
SO NOW THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY NEXT DOOR A-LOADED UP FOR BEAR, AND IF MY NAME WAS DRYSDALE 'D BE GETTING OUT OF THERE.
"CAUSE MOUNTAIN JUSTICE DOES DEMAND THAT WHEN A WRONG'S BEEN DONE, THE KIN OF HIM THAT DONE iT MUST ALSO FACE A GUN.
NOW SONNY NOTICED ELLY MAY BESIDE THE SWIMMING POOL, AND WHEN HE SEEN HER FIGURE HE LOST HIS YEN FOR SCHOOL.
HE WRAPPED HIMSELF UP IN A TOWEL AND PLAYED UPON HIS LYRE, AND WHILE HE TWANGED, THE SONGS HE SANG DID SET HER HEART AFIRE.
HE DROVE HIS FANCY AUTO UP AND TOOK HER OUT TO SPARK, AND ALL ALONE, UNCHAPERONED HE KEPT HER AFTER DARK.
HE TOOK HER IN THE PARLOR AND HE TAUGHT HER TO BE GRAND, HE SHOWED HER HOW TO WALK AND TALK AND TRIED TO KISS HER HAND.
HE TOOK HER TO HIS PRIVATE ROOM TO SEE HIS LOVING CUP, AND A MAN THAT WINS A PRIZE FOR THAT AIN'T ON THE UP AND UP.
HE WOOED HER WITH A TANGO AND A ROSE BETWIXT HIS TEETH, A SMILING ON THE OUTSIDE BUT A-LEERING UNDERNEATH.
THEY EVEN HAD A WEDDING DANCE AND HE JOINED IN THE FLING, HE BROUGHT ALONG HIS DANCING SHOES BUT DIDN'T BRING NO RING.
THE CLAMPETTS WAS A PLANNIN FOR A WEDDIN' AND A VEIL, BUT THEY WAS DUPED, HE FLEW THE COOP, AND WENT RUNNIN BACK TO YALE.
AND NOW THE CLAMPETT CLAN IS HERE TO EVEN UP THE SCORE, I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE THE MAN WHO OPENS UP THAT DOOR.
HE'LL HAVE TO FACE THEIR FURY, ON REVENGE THEY ARE INTENT, AND IF HIS NAME IS DRYSDALE HIS LIFE AIN'T WORTH A CENT.
IT'S THAT BUTLER FELLA.
WHEN WILL YOU CLAMPETTS LEARN THERE ARE NO POSSUMS TO HUNT IN BEVERLY HILLS.
IT AIN'T POSSUMS WE'S AFTER, IT'S DRYSDALES.
WELL, THEY'RE NOT AT HOME.
MRS.
DRYSDALE RETURNED TO BOSTON WITH SONNY, AND MR.
DRYSDALE'S AT THE BANK.
LET'S SHOOT HIM.
NOW GRANNY, AIN'T GONNA BE NO SHOOTIN' LESS THEY'S TALK FIRST.
WHEN WILL MR.
DRYSDALE BE HOME? NOT UNTIL LATE THIS EVENING.
THAT'S TALK ENOUGH.
LET'S GO TO SHOOTIN".
NOW, GRANNY, YOU CAN'T SHOOT AN UNARMED MAN.
THAT'S RIGHT, I LOST MY HEAD.
HERE! NOW WHEN JETHRO COUNTS THREE WE GO ATIT.
ONE, TWO NOW HOLD ON.
MR.
BUTLER HERE AIN'T DONE US NO WRONG.
HE'S ONE OF THEIR CLAN.
I SAID THERE AIN'T GONNA BE NO SHOOTIN' UNLESS THERE'S TALK FIRST.
I'LL SPEAK TO MR.
DRYSDALE.
THANK YOU KINDLY, MR.
BUTLER.
YES.
THANK YOU VERY KINDLY, MR.
BUTLER.
WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK HIM TO DANCE WITH YA? I WAS ASHAMED OF YOU IN FRONT OF THESE YOUNG'UNS.
THAT ANY WAY TO LEARN 'EM FEUDIN? GRANNY.
IT TAKES MY FAMILY TO KNOW HOW TO FEUD.
WHY WE DROVE THE BODKINS CLEAN OUT OF NAPOLEON, TENNESSEE.
CHASED THEM OFF, BURNT THEIR SHACK, AND SHOVELED THEIR FOOT STEPS OFF THE PATH.
HOT DIGGETY DOG! THAT'S WHAT I CALL FEUDIN'.
I'M SURE PROUD TO COME FROM A FAMILY LIKE YOURS, GRANNY.
THAT'S THE MOSES FAMILY.
TOO BAD OUR BLOOD IS BEING THINNED OUT, COOLED OFF AND WATERED DOWN WITH THE CLAMPETT BLOOD.
NOW, GRANNY, YOU JUST SIMMER DOWN TO A BOIL.
PLL SEE THE RIGHT THING IS DONE BY MY DAUGHTER.
JETHRO, YOU DRIVE ME DOWN TO THE BANK.
MR.
DRYSDALE AND ME WILL HAVE A MAN TO MAN TALK.
AIN'T YOU ABOUT A MAN-AND-A-HALF SHORT? YOU WAIT HERE.
I'LL GO AND SEE MR.
DRYSDALE.
YOU FLUSH HIM OUT, UNCLE JED, I'LL GET HIM ON THE RUN.
NOW WHO TOLD YOU TO BRING THAT? GRANNY.
SHE SAYS THERE'S GOTTA BE ONE FIGHTING MAN IN THE FAMILY.
YOU JUST DRIVE AROUND AWHILE AND COOL OFF.
PICK ME UP HERE IN ABOUT A HALF HOUR.
OKAY, UNCLE JED.
(ALARM SOUNDING) (SCREAMING) MR.
DRYSDALE, THE BANK'S BEING ROBBED! YES, AND MY DUTY IS CLEAR.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? AS PRESIDENT OF THIS BANK THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE FOR ME AT A TIME LIKE THIS, MY BULLET PROOF CLOSET.
OOH! GRANNY! GRANNY! GRANNY, ELLY MAY! COME QUICK, THEY CAPTURED UNCLE JED! GRANNY! JETHRO SAYS THEY GOT PA.
COME ON, GRANNY! THE DRYSDALE'S GOT UNCLE JED.
I DROPPED HIM OFF AT THE BANK AND WHEN I COME BACK, THEY'D CARRIED HIM OFF SOMEWHERE.
AMBUSHED! THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.
THAT BUTLER FELLER.
HE TOLD THEM HE WAS COMING AND THEY LAID A TRAP FOR HIM.
WHAT DO WE DO, GRANNY? AN EYE FOR AN EYE AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.
THEY TOOK ONE OF OURN, WE'LL TAKE ONE OF THEIRN.
WHERE'S YOUR GUN, JETHRO? I GAVE IT TO UNCLE JED.
I RECKON THE DRYSDALES GOT IT.
WE LOST THE FIRST BATTLE.
THEY TOOK OUR LEADER AND OUR BEST GUN, BUT WE AIN'T LOST THE FEUD.
COME ON! AS JEB STEWART SAYS, WHEN THEY THINK THEY GOT YOU LICKED, ATTACK! (SINGING) WELL NOW THE FEUD IS GOING HOT.
THE CLAMPETTS LOST A MAN, THEIR LEADER NOW /!S GRANNY FROM THE FIGHTING MOSES CLAN.
GRANNY LEARNED HER FEUDIN' WHILE A CHILD ON MOTHER'S KNEE, WHEN THE MOSES' DROVE THE BODKINS FROM NAPOLEON, TENNESSEE.
NOW, JETHRO, WHEN HE OPENS THE DOOR YOU GRAB HIM.
ELLY, HOLD HIS GUN.
YES 'EM.
OKAY, GRANNY.
LET'S GO.
PUT ME DOWN! PUT HER DOWN, JETHRO, WE DON'T WANT HER.
WHO DON'T? WE DON'T.
WHAT'S GOING ON? THE Y'S A FEUD GOING ON.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, ELLY? FEUDIN'S FUN.
JETHRO, PUT HER DOWN.
THEY GOT ONE OF OUR MEN FOLKS, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE ONE OF THEIR MEN FOLKS.
HOW ABOUT WE TAKE HER ALONG AS KIND OF AN EXTRA.
NO.
NOT UNLESS THEY'D CAPTURED ONE OF OUR WOMEN FOLKS.
ELLY MAY, YOU GO IN THERE AND SURRENDER.
I AIN'T GONNA DO ITI! JETHRO, PUT HER DOWN.
HOW 'BOUT I TOTE HER AS FAR AS HOME AND THEN LET HER ESCAPE, A LITTLE AT A TIME.
WAIT.
WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS? HE'S THE ONE WE WANT.
YOU TOTE HIM, ELLY, MY ARMS IS FULL.
PUT HER DOWN BEFORE I TAKE YOU TO THE WOOD SHED.
YOU LOOK AWFUL BUSY, GRANNY.
MAYBE I SHOULD GO TO THE WOOD SHED AND WAIT FOR YOU.
JUST QUIT IT! I THINK I'D BETTER CALL THE POLICE.
STOP IN YOUR TRACKS WHILE YOU'RE ABLE TO MAKE 'EM.
NOW YOU TURN AROUND.
WALK TOWARDS OUR HOUSE.
I REFUSE TO TAKE ONE STEP.
(GUNSHOT) NOW! YOU WANT TO WALK OR YOU WANT TO LIMP? MARIE, RUN INSIDE AND PHONE THE POLICE.
NEVERMIND HER, JETHRO, SHOOT THE TELEPHONE WIRE.
(GUNSHOTS) THERE'S WHAT'S HAVING YOUR MIND ON WOMEN CAN DO TO YA.
IT TOOK YOU TWO SHOTS TO GET THAT WIRE.
NAH, GRANNY, I GOT TWO WIRES.
GOOD WORK, LIEUTENANT.
YOU'VE APPREHENDED WHAT IS OBVIOUSLY A VERY DANGEROUS CRIMINAL.
I'M COMING OVER TO PERSONALLY HAND THE REWARD MONEY TO YOU AND YOUR MEN.
WHAT'S THAT? OH, JUST TO YOU, VERY WELL.
MISS HATHAWAY, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO DRIVE ME OVER TO POLICE HEADQUARTERS.
YOU'RE INTERESTED IN PSYCHOLOGY.
I'M COMPLETELY INTRIGUED WITH THE SUBJECT.
WHAT'S THE CONNECTION? THE FELLOW WHO TRIED TO ROB OUR BANK MUST BE A COMPLETE NUT.
THEY'VE GOT TWO PSYCHIATRISTS WITH HIM.
WHAT ARE HIS PSYCHOTIC SYMPTOMS? HE CLAIMED TO HAVE 25 MILLION DOLLARS.
(BOTH LAUGHING) NO, IT COULDN'T BE! I KEEP A TELLIN' YA AND A TELLIN' YA, I GOT 25 MILLION DOLLARS IN MR.
DRYSDALE'S BANK.
NO YOU DIDN'T.
THEY CAUGHT YOU BEFORE YOU GOT A PENNY.
YOUR PATIENT, DOCTOR.
OBVIOUS DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR.
NOW TELL ME, ABOUT THIS BANK ATTEMPT.
DID YOU HAVE ANY ACCOMPLICES? ANY WHAT? CONFEDERATES.
OH YEAH, GRANNY.
SHE'S A CONFEDERATE.
SHE'S A TENNESSEE MOSES.
TENNESSEE MOSES? THAT'S RIGHT.
TELL ME, DID SHE LEAD HER PEOPLE OUT OF TENNESSEE? SURE DID, AFTER THEY WHOOPED THE BODKINS.
DON'T YOU MEAN THE EGYPTIANS? WELL THEY PROBABLY WHOOPED EGYPTIANS TOO IF THEY GOT IN THEIR WAY.
GRANNY'S FOLKS WAS FIGHTING FOOLS.
THEY CERTAINLY WERE.
THEY DEFEATED THE BEST FIGHTERS PHARAOH HAD.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BUT THEY WHOOPED THE BEST FIGHTERS NAPOLEON HAD.
NAPOLEON? DOCTOR, MAY I? YOU MAY NOT.
I'M THE ONE WHO UNCOVERED THIS HALLUCINATION.
TELL ME ABOUT NAPOLEON.
YES.
YOU SAY GRANNY'S FOLKS WON THAT FIGHT? THEY SURE DID.
OVER NAPOLEON? OH YEAH, THEY TROMPED ALL OVER NAPOLEON.
FABULOUS.
BUT HOW WERE THEY ABLE TO DO IT? DID THEY FIGHT WITH SUPERIOR WEAPONS? NO, THEY FOUGHT WITH BODKINS.
I SEE, AND NAPOLEON DIDN'T HAVE ANY BODKIN? NOT AFTER GRANNY'S FOLKS GOT THROUGH WITH THEM.
NAPOLEON DIDN'T HAVE A BODKIN LEFT.
I REMEMBER THE LAST DAY OF THE FEUD THEY GOT LEIF AND LUKE AND ODDS.
ODDS? ODDS BODKIN.
PLEASE! ALL RIGHT, BUT JUST FOR A MINUTE.
WILL IT BE SAFE MR.
DRYSDALE? OH IT'LL BE PERFECTLY SAFE TO LOOK AT HIM THROUGH THE BARS, AFTER ALL IT'S MR.
CLAMPETT! WHAT IN THE WORLD! MISS JANE, MR.
DRYSDALE, THEY SURE DIDN'T TREAT ME VERY GOOD OVER AT YOUR BANK.
MY FIRST VISIT TOO.
LET THIS MAN OUT OF HERE.
HE'S GOT $25 MILLION IN MY BANK.
OPEN THIS DOOR, OPEN IT, OPEN IT! LIE DOWN, MISTER.
LIEUTENANT! LIEUTENANT! GOT THE PRISONER ALL TIED UP, GRANNY.
GOOD.
CAN I GO BACK AND GET THE OTHER ONE NOW? NO YOU CAN'T.
YOU KEEP YOUR MIND ON YOUR FEUDIN'.
CLOSE THE GATES? YES, MA'AM.
THROW UP THE BARRICADE? YES, MA'AM.
GOOD.
HERE, YOU WALK SENTRY WHILE I CHECK THE LOOKOUT.
ELLY MAY, ANY SIGN OF THE ENEMY YET? NOT YET, GRANNY.
ALL CLEAR.
SOUND THE ALARM IF YOU SEE A DRYSDALE A-COMIN'.
I WILL, GRANNY.
YOU SEE, ALL MY EMPLOYEES ARE TRAINED TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR BANK ROBBERS, SO NATURALLY WHEN THEY SAW YOU WALK IN WITH YOUR RIFLE, THEIR FIRST INSTINCT, WELL, IT APPEARED TO THEM IT WAS JUST YOU'RE NOT MAD ARE YOU, MR.
CLAMPETT? WELL NO, NOT ABOUT THE BANK.
BUT WE'S ALL RIGHT UPSET AT SONNY FOR RUNNING OFF AND JILTIN' ELLY MAY.
SONNY? JILTING ELLY MAY? WELL THAT'S WHAT WE'D CALL IT.
HE SPARKED HER FOR TWO WEEKS RUNNIN'.
TOOK HER DRIVING AND DANCING AND HELD HER HAND AND KEPT HER OUT PAST DARK.
BACK WHERE WE COME FROM THAT'S JUST THE SAME AS SAYIN' "WILL YA," PROVIDED THE GIRL IS TWELVE OR BETTER.
MR.
CLAMPETT, YOU HAVE MY WORD OF HONOR, I HAD NO IDEA ELLY MAY OR ANY OF YOU TOOK SONNY SERIOUSLY.
NOW, THE MOMENT WE GET TO YOUR HOUSE, I'M GOING TO TELEPHONE SONNY IN BOSTON, GET HIM ON THE FIRST PLANE, AND HE'LL BE HERE TONIGHT TO PROPOSE MARRIAGE TO ELLY MAY.
WELL NOW, THAT SURE IS GONNA SMOOTH GRANNY'S RUFFLED FEATHERS.
SHE'S BEEN MADDER THAN A BAREFOOT CENTIPEDE STANDIN' ON A HOT ROCK.
SHE'LL BE HAPPY WHEN WE GET THERE.
YES, BLESS HER SWEET LITTLE HEART.
GRANNY, I SEE 'EM, THEY'S COMINI HOW MANY IS THEY? MISS HATHAWAY AND MR.
DRYSDALE.
AND THEY'S HOLDING PA PRISONER.
COME ON DOWN.
WE'LL STOP THEM AT THE GATE OR BLAST 'EM AT THE BARRICADE! JETHRO! THEY'S A COMING! GET READY TO DO BATTLE! BARE YOUR HEAD IN THE PRESENCE OF THE STARS AND BARS! THEY'S GETTING TO THE GATE.
TAKE COVER.
EVERYBODY INSIDE.
WE'LL SHOOT AT THEM THROUGH THE PORTHOLE.
YOU WON'T HIT PA WILL YOU, GRANNY? DON'T WORRY, HONEY.
I CAN HIT A NEW LAID EGG OUT OF THE NEST WITHOUT BUDGING THE HEN.
I'LL GET THE GATE.
STOP WHERE YOU ARE, STAY RIGHT THERE.
(GUNSHOT) GRANNY, IT'S ME, MR.
DRYSDALE, I'M COMING IN (GUNSHOT) LET'S GET OUT OF HERE FAST! THAT'LL LEARN THEM YANKEES WHO THEY'RE FEUDIN' WITH.
(SINGING) NOW HERE'S THE DRYSDALE MANSION WHERE HE'S FLEEING LIKE A RAT, SINCE GRANNY PUT A BULLET THROUGH HIS 20-DOLLAR HAT.
BUT EVEN HERE HE CAN'T ESCAPE THE SCOURGE OF TENNESSEE, âCAUSE SHE'S GOT ELLY SPYING FROM THE TIP TOP OF A TREE.
GRANNY, THEY TOOK PA OVER TO THE DRYSDALE'S HOUSE.
COME ON DOWN, WE'LL GO GET HIM! WELL I RECKON WE'LL HAVE TO CALL HER ON THE TELEPHONE.
WHEN GRANNY'S FEUDIN' SHE'S SOMETIMES HARD TO REASON WITH.
RECKON SEEING YOU WITH THAT RIFLE KIND OF SET IT OFF.
BUT THAT WOMAN SHOT AT ME.
OH, MR DRYSDALE, SHE SHOT AT YOUR HAT.
IF THAT LITTLE OL' WOMAN EVER GOES TO THROWING LEAD AT YOU, YOU'LL BE CASTING A POLKA DOT SHADOW.
MARIE, RAVENSWOOD, WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER THE DOOR? OH, THANK GOODNESS IT'S YOU.
THE CLAMPETTS CAME AND CAPTURED RAVENSWOOD.
CAPTURED HIM? YES, AND JETHRO PICKED ME UP IN HIS ARMS.
HE HELD ME AND HELD ME AND WOULDN'T PUT ME DOWN.
WHY? SAID HE WAS FEUDING.
WELL NOW DON'T YOU WORRY, MARIE, WE'RE GOING TO GET THIS WHOLE THING ALL STRAIGHTENED OUT.
MARIE.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR FRIGHTENING EXPERIENCE WITH JETHRO.
WELL, THERE WAS A KNOCK.
I OPENED THE DOOR AND JETHRO JUST SWEPT ME UP INTO HIS BIG STRONG ARMS, HELD ME TIGHT, AND WOULDN'T LET ME GO.
AND HE SAID THAT WAS FEUDING? YES.
THAT'S WHY I WAS AFRAID TO OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT NOW.
WELL YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH A SHATTERING ORDEAL.
GO AND LIE DOWN.
I'LL WATCH THE FRONT DOOR.
COME ON, JETHRO, WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE DRYSDALE'S HOUSE.
HOT DIGGETY DOG, THAT'S THE PART OF FEUDING I LIKE! AND WE'RE TAKING YOU WITH US, MR.
BUTLER, AND IF THEY'VE HARMED ONE HAIR ON JED, THAT ONE HAIR YOU GOT WILL PAY THE PRICE.
OH, WON'T YOU PLEASE LISTEN TO ME? MR.
DRYSDALE'S NOT FEUDING WITH YOU, HE'S A PEACEFUL MAN.
HE'S NEVER SHOT ANYTHING BUT SKEETS.
SKEETS? HOW MANY DID HE GET? OH HE DID VERY WELL, 98 OUT OF 100.
THAT'S BETTER THAN WE DID WITH THE BODKINSI! WE'RE READY, GRANNY.
COME ON, YOUNG'UNS, WE GOT OUR FEUDING CUT OUT FOR US.
THAT DRYSDALE'S A SHOOTING FOOL.
NOW, ELLY MAY, YOU CARRY THE FLAG HIGH AND PROUD.
IF THEY SHOOT YOU, DON'T YOU LET IT TOUCH THE GROUND.
THROW IT TO JETHRO AS YOU'RE FALLING.
I'LL DO IT, GRANNY.
WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR? IF THERE'S ANY LONG RANGE SHOOTING THEY'LL THINK HE'S ONE OF US AND DROP HIM FIRST.
FORWARD, MARCH! HMM, NO WONDER THE PHONE WOULDN'T WORK.
MARIE SAID JETHRO SHOT DOWN THE WIRES.
WELL, WE CAN GO NEXT DOOR AND USE THE MILLERS' PHONE.
YEP, BEEN CUT WITH A RIFLE BULLET.
KIND OF RAGGED THOUGH.
JETHRO MUST HAVE BEEN UPSET.
THAT'S BAD SHOOTING TO CUT THOSE LITTLE WIRES WITH THE RIFLE? WHY WHEN THAT BOY PUTS HIS MIND TO IT HE CAN PICK A GNAT OFF A PLATE OF GRITS AT 500 FEET IN A HEAVY FOG.
(WHISTLE) I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN OUTSHOOT HIM, EXCEPT FOR GRANNY AND ELLY MAY.
WOW, WHAT SKEET SHOOTERS YOU'D MAKE.
WHAT'S SKEET? OH, THEY'RE CLAY PIGEONS, THAT'S WHAT I SHOOT.
CLAY PIGEONS? OH, IT'S WONDERFUL, I LOVE IT.
YOUR WIFE MUST BE A FIRST RATE COOK.
(SINGING) NOW HERE COMES GRANNY'S LITTLE BAND TO FREE THEIR LEADER JED, AND ANYONE THAT BLOCKS THEIR PATH MIGHT JUST AS WELL BE DEAD.
FOR THOUGH THEIR NUMBERS MAY BE SMALL THE FLAG THAT LEADS THEIR WAY, 1S THE FLAG THAT LED PICKETT'S CHARGE AT GETTYSBURG, PA.
STOP FOR A MINUTE.
IGOT A IDEA.
WE USE MR.
BUTLER HERE AS A DECOY AND WE'LL SURPRISE 'EM.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, GRANNY? YOU KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND YOU YELL TO THEM INSIDE THAT IT'S YOU, THEN WE'LL RUSH IN AND WE'LL GET JED.
AND MAYBE SOMEBODY ELSE TOO, HUH, GRANNY? YOU KEEP YOUR MIND ON YOUR FEUDIN.
COME ON.
IT'S ME, RAVENSWOOD.
OPEN UP.
MARIE.
YOU MAY OPEN IT? NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF, IT'S JUST RAVENSWOOCD.
STEP ASIDE, DECOY.
ELLY YOU GUARD HIM.
JETHRO, WHEN THEY OPEN THE DOOR, WE'LL RUSH 'EM.
YEAH.
WHERE'S JED, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HIM? TALK FAST.
H-H-HE'S NOT HERE, HE'S NEXT DOOR WITH MR.
DRYSDALE.
SEARCH THE HOUSE, JETHRO.
JETHRO! JETHRO! YEAH, GRANNY? PUT HER DOWN.
SHE'S LIGHT AS A FEATHER! PUT HER DOWN AND GO LOOK FOR YOUR UNCLE JED.
NOW GO SEARCH THE HOUSE.
NOW, JETHRO, YOU'RE UNFAMILIAR WITH THE PLACE.
I'LL SHOW YOU AROUND.
WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? A FEUD, IS A FEUD.
THIS WAY, PLEASE.
GRANNY, HERE COMES PA AND MR.
DRYSDALE.
I'LL PICK THAT VARMINT OFF LIKE I PICKED A BODKIN OFF A RAIL FENCE.
ELLY MAY, WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING? I'M GUARDING THE DECOY, PA.
RAVENSWOOD! YOU BOSTON YANKEE.
BARE YOUR HEAD IN THE PRESENCE OF OUR FLAG.
DID YOU SAY "OUR" FLAG? MY FAMILY CAME FROM TENNESSEE.
MINE DID TOO! JED, I ALWAYS DID LIKE THIS MAN.
WHY SURE, GRANNY, AND HE'S GOING TO MAKE SONNY DO THE RIGHT THING BY ELLY MAY.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, PA? GONNA MAKE SONNY COME BACK HERE AND MARRY YOU.
I DON'T WANT TO MARRY SONNY.
YOU SEE, GRANNY, THE WHOLE DOG-GONE FEUD WAS FOR NOTHING.
NOT ALTOGETHER, JED.
WHY WE MIGHT NEVER HAVE KNOWN THAT MR.
DRYSDALE HERE, WAS A FINE GENTLEMAN FROM TENNESSEE.
TELL ME, EVER HEAR OF THE MOSES FAMILY? HEAR OF THEM, WHY MY MOTHER'S FAMILY FEUDED WITH THEM FOR YEARS.
YOU MEAN YOUR MOTHER WAS A BODKIN.
MR.
DRYSDALE, DON'T ASK ME WHY, JUST COMMENCE TO RUNNIN'.
YOU HEARD HIM.
RUN, YOU YELLOW BODKIN, I AM A MOSES! UGHI (GUNSHOTS) FOR A CITY FELLER HE SURE CAN RUN.
LIKE A SCARED RABBIT.
WELL, LET'S GO HOME.
JETHRO, PUT HER DOWN.
AW, LISTEN, GRANNY.
I HEARD YOU AND UNCLE JED TALKING ABOUT WHAT TO GET ME FOR CHRISTMAS.
THIS HERE WILL SAVE YOU SHOPPING.
JETHRO, YOU CAN'T TAKE HER HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, NOW PUT HER DOWN.
ONE OF THESE DAYS I'VE GOT TO HAVE A LONG TALK WITH THIS BOY.
WELL, NOW IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE TO JED AND ALL HIS KIN, AND THEY WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU FOLKS FOR KINDLY DROPPING IN.
YOU'RE ALL INVITED BACK NEXT WEEK TO THIS LOCALITY, TO HAVE A HEAPIN' HELPIN' OF THEIR HOSPITALITY.
HILLBILLY THAT {S, SET A SPELL, TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF, Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, Y'HEAR? THE NATIONAL SAFETY COUNCIL SAYS SEAT BELTS COULD SAVE FIVE THOUSAND LIVES A YEAR.
USE YOUR SEAT BELTS.
THIS HAS BEEN A FILMWAYS PRESENTATION.