The Class s01e12 Episode Script

I'm gonna miss you today.
Well, I'll call you later.
Call me sooner.
Gross, I can't believe I have to watch this.
You, inside, now.
I asked you to do one thing, and that was to hate her.
Well, then I completely screwed that up.
Okay, so you had your way with her, and now you're done.
You're a guy, right? One night, moving on, who's next? Actually, I'm seeing her again tonight.
So two nights, moving on, who's next? Look, I know Palmer's not your favorite person, but I really like her.
She's a lot of fun, and she's- Come on! She's vapid and bubbly! And her work.
She takes pictures of fruit dressed in little clothes.
What?! The beautiful woman I slept with isn't a real artist? Oh, no! Who is it? It's me! It's her! Hey, neighbor.
You! You're supposed to be at work.
I know, I was just saying hi.
Did he tell you? Pretty awesome, huh? - Oh, the awesomest.
- I know! How amazing is this? We're friends.
And you're friends.
We're like the three amigos! We could get jackets.
Hey, you guys want to have dinner together tonight? Tonight's not good for me.
Well, what about tomorrow night? Tomorrow's not good for me.
Well, you are a busy bee.
You know what? I'll just pop by every morning till you're free.
Okay, fine.
Friday.
Oh, Friday's not good for me.
- Aww! - Totally kidding! See you later.
Thank you so much for doing this.
All right, if we're having dinner together, it's not just gonna be the three of us.
I need buffers.
I want to throw bodies at this thing.
All right, call your sister and Richie.
Oh, I will.
And you're calling people too.
Friends, coworkers.
I want this thing loco with amigos.
This is Holly Ellenbogen.
Even if you're a boat full of trash.
Here at the Delaware River Garbage Barge, they've been hauling refuse since before many of us were born.
And let me tell you, it smells it.
I would not wanna be on a garbage barge.
A controversial stance.
Although, it is a barge.
You'd get to go places.
I would think mostly dumps.
Still, it's nice to get out.
You're not dressed yet? His clothes are still in the dryer.
It's okay.
I can work in the quilt.
Come on, man, this is crazy.
You need more than one outfit.
You gotta go back to your place and get your stuff.
Oh, I'm just so afraid Fern's gonna be there with her horns and tail and sulfur smell.
So, go when she's at work.
I'll go with you.
You need clothes.
You know who always wore the same outfit? Charlie Brown.
Okay.
Oh, dear Lord.
Oh, good.
They got here.
Wait.
That parade float is from you? What do you think? I think that she's gonna dump your ass.
What? Dude, will you look at that thing? That is too much too soon.
You've been with her what, like, three days? You really think it's too much? Well, that depends.
Did she win the Kentucky Derby? I think they're nice.
Oh, they're nice.
They're restraining order nice.
They're "I want to make a jacket out of your skin" nice.
Really? I just wanted her to know how I feel about her.
Hey, I'm onboard.
This is you screwing up your relationship with Palmer.
I would organize a walk-a-thon for that cause.
Oh, my God.
And I get to see it.
H ey.
Wow! These are huge! Wait till the all open.
Are they from you? Um no! - No? - No.
Good, 'cause that would be kind of- - Too much too soon? - Kind of.
Totally.
Wouldn't want to be that guy.
I wonder who they're from.
Oh, I'll get it.
I was closer.
So? Uh They're from Kat.
You sure you're reading that right, Chief? They're from you? What an amazing friend you are.
Please.
They're from me.
Oh, that is so sweet! What are they for? It's on the card.
Uh, they are just because you're you.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh! I may cry.
I am right there with you.
Wow.
You used to live here? Yep.
Nice neighborhood.
It's not that bad.
I'm just gonna turn my ring around.
All righty, let's go get your stuff.
Oh, I am so not looking forward to this.
Why? You said Fern's not gonna be there.
No, it doesn't matter.
Even after she's left the room, the memory of her lingers.
It's like she leaves behind this black cloud or hate and bitterness and rage.
Why did you ever marry her? Oh, we were young and in love.
Let's go.
Well, I'm not gonna lie to you, Rich.
This place really bums me out.
I think it's kind of charming.
Sure, a couple of doilies and it's almost a hellhole.
Could I use your bathroom really quick? Sure, it's right over there.
But in order to flush the toilet, you have to take the lid off the tank and reach your hand in.
The water's pretty murky, but there's usually a rubber glove on the floor.
And now I don't have to go anymore.
I still can't believe Kat sent me those flowers.
I know.
They're beautiful.
They really are.
All the roses and the tulips.
And orchids.
There were no orchids.
There weren't? No.
Huh, I believe Kat was promised orchids.
I'm kind of pissed for her.
- Hey! - Hey, how's it going? This is Palmer.
Palmer, Kyle.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Oh, hey, this is for you.
Oh, thanks.
With a monkey on the label.
Yeah, it's a dry, oaky cabernet with just the slightest hint of monkey.
I'll open it.
I'm a great corkscrew-er.
- She seems special.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
- Okay, let's get this over with.
- Hey, you! - Hey! What is with the one dude? Where are all my buffers? Okay, relax.
Your sister and Richie are coming with two backups.
In the meantime, Kyle's a buffer.
Kyle's a what? Uh, he's a buffer.
What's a buffer? You know, he's gay.
Huh.
Buffer.
I've never heard that term before.
It's new.
It's 'cause a lot of gay guys work out, and, you know, get buffer.
All right, do not leave me side.
From now on, you are right here, right here.
Hmm.
Your mingling style is oddly bossy.
I'm sorry, you just have to be here if she comes over.
- Who? - Palmer.
You're only here so I never have to alone with her.
What, Ethan didn't tell you? You're my buffer.
- That's why I'm here.
- Yeah.
Excuse me.
So, I'm just here as a buffer.
What? No! No! All right, a little yes.
More yes than no.
I can't believe this.
And I brought you monkey wine.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, didn't see you there.
Thank you again for the flowers.
Um, they must've cost you a fortune.
Well, spiritually, yeah.
I feel so lucky that we're back in each other's lives.
Can I tell you something? Back in school I used to have the biggest crush on you.
Um Kyle? I've never felt that way about another woman before or since.
And when you sent me the flowers, it's like it all came rushing back.
Seriously, where the hell is that dude? Anyway, this may be, like, the third glass of wine talking, but Oh, God.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this.
Then don't.
No need, really, shh! I just I just want to let you know that I would not be uninterested.
Just want to put it out there.
- I'm back.
- A little late.
What the hell? Hello? Is someone here? Just so you know, I have a gun! You have a gun? Richard, is that you? What answer gets me not shot? What the hell are you thinking, you idiot? Oh, it's good to be home.
Do you realize that I could've shot you? Yeah, when did you get a gun? My father gave it to me on our wedding day with a note that said "Trust your instincts.
" What the hell are you doing here anyway? Look, I am just here to get my stuff.
I've got a few more things, and I'll be out of your way.
Fine.
So how's the single life treating you? Kind of lonely being the only one listening to the sound of your nose whistling? Really, I just want to get my stuff.
Don't forget about the clumps of red hair in the corners.
Look, can we not do this? I'll be out of here in a minute, then we can both move on with our lives.
What does that mean, "we can both move on?" Have you moved on? What? Have you met someone else? No! Did we get everything? Oh, a gun! You must be Fern.
So, Ethan tells me you're a buffer.
He told you that? Yeah, I hope that's okay.
Well, it's fine with me if you're okay with it.
Oh, yeah, it totally cool.
My cousin Donald is a buffer.
Really? Like on a regular basis? Um, I think so.
Since college, he's been pretty full on.
Huh.
I've never actually been a buffer until tonight.
Wow! So this is like a really big night for you.
I need more monkey wine.
Hey, I saw you chatting with Palmer earlier.
How'd it go? It was-it was interesting.
How so? All right, look.
I don't know how to tell you this, but, um, your new girlfriend? Kind of a buffer.
- What? - Palmer hit on me.
- No way.
- Yeah.
She got the wrong signals from the flowers that I gave her.
Oh, my God.
I'm really sorry.
Wow.
Um Well, I'm glad you told me.
Are you okay? Yeah, I just need to uh take it in.
Are you smiling? No! Why would I be? I mean, the thought of you two together, it's devastating.
- Are you getting off on this? - No! No, I am crushed.
I mean, it's horrible.
I'm not gonna be able to get the picture of the two of you out of my head.
- This is unbelievable.
- Oh! You know what'd make things even worse? If I walked in on you guys.
I mean, I don't even want to think about what would happen next.
Nothing! Nothing happens next! But what if it did? I mean, talk about a nightmare.
And what if in my distress I tripped and fell on the bed and all my clothes fell off? What would you do? I mean, what would you do? I am appalled.
I just told you that your girlfriend hit on me.
All right, and now you're trying to put yourself in the middle of it? Oh, no, I don't have to be in the middle.
I'm fine with either end.
Oh, so is this your new girlfriend? Put that down.
She is not my girlfriend.
He's telling the truth.
I'm not her, really.
So there is a girlfriend.
I'm sorry.
Was that not established? Well, whoever she is, she must have pretty low self-esteem to fall for a shedding, penniless albino like you.
She's being nice 'cause we have company.
Hey, you guys! We get everything or- Oh, a gun.
You must be Fern.
Who is she? Who are sneaking around with behind my back? It doesn't matter who she is.
No, it matters to me.
- I want a name.
- No.
I'm not playing games.
I want her name.
Well, I'm not telling you.
Oh, you're gonna tell me now- Ow! Ow ow ow! Son of a bitch! What is it? My thumb is caught in this stupid thing! So, I think we're gonna take off.
Oh, my God! Nice ex-wife, by the way.
Real positive energy.
Ow! It hurts.
Uh, Rich? It sounds like she's really in pain.
Because she's caught in her gun! Still, she's a human being.
- Is she? - Come on, Rich.
Let's go.
Ow! Oh, I can't just leave her! This is why you never help people move! Oh! Fern? Fixed it.
Aw! So you were about to tell me the name of your girlfriend.
I'm not gonna tell you.
Richard, I'll do it.
I swear.
I already shot the couch, and I like the couch.
Tell me her name now.
Holly Ellenbogen! You're not gonna believe this.
Palmer hit on Kat.
Huh! You're kidding.
No, sir, I am not! So the girl that you're seeing hit on your friend.
And you're happy why? Come on! Kat on Palmer action.
You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Seriously, do you know what I'm saying? Well.
.
I suppose in theory, but- Oh, God, it's not fair.
I need a straight guy.
I've got no one to share this with.
Oh, okay.
Um, well, how's this? Ahem.
Oh! Oh, man! That totally rocks.
Two chicks? Tasty! See, there you go! All right.
And all those breasts going every which way.
And you're gay again.
Excuse me.
Can I talk to Ethan for a sec? Sure.
But apparently you're gonna have to butch it up.
What's going on? All right.
Do you remember the scenario we were talking about a little while ago? Hmm.
Remind me.
Maybe with a little saxophone in the background.
Well, I think maybe I was little close-minded.
What? Well, I always said that I'm someone who would try anything once.
And I love that about you.
So what I'm saying is I- I'm not sure that a threesome is out of the question.
Are you serious? You're right, it's crazy.
No, it's not crazy, it's not crazy! It's surprising and unexpected.
And perhaps even beautiful.
Well, it would just have to be like a one-time thing.
I have no problem with that.
One time is a hundred times better than no times.
Okay.
Okay.
So you get Palmer out of here.
I'm gonna go warm up Kyle.
Yeah-what?! A threesome.
You, me, and Kyle.
Kyle? No, no! There's no Kyle.
Palmer! Palmer good! God, Palmer? No, you know how I feel about her.
But Kyle he's pretty hot, don't you think? No! He's got boy parts! Come on, just picture it.
Me with Kyle.
You with Kyle.
Stop it.
Stop it.
There is no Kyle.
I don't want Kyle! You know what? I'm just gonna go.
No, wait, I'm really sorry! Where have you guys been? It's scary out here.
Was it?! Fern came back.
She had a gun.
Fern had a gun? Like a real gun? Sounded pretty real when she shot it.
So that was a real gun- Oh, my God, I could've lost you.
- But you didn't.
- But I could have.
- But you didn't.
- But I could have.
But you didn't! Sorry.
So Rich.
Holly Ellenbogen.
What's up with that? I don't know.
I just made up a name.
Uh, no, you didn't.
We went to school with her.
When you crashed your car, she was the reporter in the backseat.
That was Holly Ellenbogen.
Really? Oh, God, it sounds so made up.
Nope.
She's real.
Oh.
Oh, well.
Hello? Yes, this is Holly Ellenbogen.
I- I'm sorry.
What? I'm gonna get you! Wait, hang on.
Oprah, could you please keep it down? Mommy can't hear! I'm sorry.
Say it again.
I'm gonna get you! Oprah, please! Forgive me.
One more time.
I said I'm gonna get you! Now, I only got part of that.
What are you gonna get me? Hello? He- Oh, hmm.
Guess I'll just have to be surprised.
- Well, I'm out of here.
- Good night.
Will you stop pouting? It was never gonna happen.
I'll pout all I want.
A dream has died tonight.
Everybody gone? Yeah, it's just the two of us.
I was just about to take a shower.
You want to join me? All right.