The Cool Kids (2018) s01e12 Episode Script

1 Charlie, I want my wok back! You borrowed it months ago.
It's time.
It's just time.
You lent something to him? This man's a crazy hoarder.
Crazy good at it.
WOMAN: Ugh.
Is this cake up for grabs? Because I have been on a bus for 12 hours, and I am starving.
[CHUCKLES.]
I was saving that for after I finished my veggies.
- Excuse me, miss? Miss? - Hmm? Who are you and what are you doing at our table? [CHUCKLES.]
Your table? What makes it your table? Well, the fact that it is.
Because we say it is, so then it is.
Well, I didn't know.
I'm so sorry.
In that case That seat is saved.
[CHUCKLING.]
: Saved seats? What is this, middle school? Do I look like I'm in middle school? Do you really want me to answer that? You can't just sit at a seat that doesn't belong to you, then act like you run this place.
I mean, who does that? MJ! Mom! [BOTH SQUEALING.]
ALL: Oh.
Then Michael breaks up with me, kicks me out of my house and changes all the locks.
And the police are like, "Duh, we can't do anything about it.
" Just because Michael was the homeowner and I never paid any rent.
Unbelievable.
Is it, though? So, what happened with you and Michael? I thought you guys were doing great.
Well, so did I.
And then he was like, "Duh, you need to get a job so you can make some money.
" Boyfriend sounds a lot like the policeman.
So, I start doing my ice sculptures again.
And then he's like, "Uh, there's puddles everywhere.
" And I'm like, "Yeah.
"That's what happens when I don't sell an ice sculpture.
"It turns into a puddle.
That's how molecules work.
" Does he want you to work or not? Make up your mind, Michael.
Right? Thank you.
Margaret, you don't have to play nice for us.
If you want to whup this woman's ass, go ahead.
We'll look the other way.
Ignore him.
Anyway, Mom, I was hoping I could stay with you just for a little bit, till I get back on my feet.
You can stay here as long as you need.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Aw, thanks, chica.
You rule.
Um all right, well, I am gonna go and get my stuff.
Hey, any way I could get one of your famous grilled cheeses tonight? Oh, I would, but I don't think I have any cheese.
Okay.
Well, if you're going to the store, I would not be mad at one of those rotisserie chickens, either.
Oh.
All right, well, I guess I could squeeze in a quick trip to the market.
If I hustle, I can still catch that 5:15 bus.
- Mm.
- Oh, and, uh, when I get back, I will make up the couch for you.
Oh.
The couch.
Okay.
Who is this person? That's my daughter, Hank.
Try to keep up.
I'm talking about you! I've never seen such a doormat.
Are you gonna question my relationship with my kid? Guys, back me up here.
- No, not a chance.
- No You know, MJ's dad and I got divorced when she was little, and she took it very hard.
So I'm always gonna be there for her.
Mm-hmm.
Doormat.
I am not a doormat.
I'm a mom.
Yeah, well, somebody's sleeping on the couch tonight, and I bet it's gonna be you.
Butt out, Hank.
It's not easy being right all the time! It's hard on me, too! And you thought it would be hard to find your wok.
Your hoarding has gotten so much worse since last time I was here.
Hoarding never gets worse, Sid.
It only gets better.
This has been a problem for years.
But now it's affecting me and my ability to cook delicious Chinese food.
- And why do you have a canoe? - Oh.
Oh, it was left to me by an Inuit elder in his will.
My good friend Tulugaak.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that's a perfectly reasonable explanation.
May not seem obvious, all of my belongings are very carefully organized.
Organized? By what? By the letters in the word "organized.
" This is section "O.
" There's oranges and, uh, office supplies, origami.
But what about letters that aren't in the word "organized"? Exactly.
Now, "wok" would've been under "O" because there's an "O" in "wok," but I didn't think of it as a wok.
I thought of it as a cereal bowl.
Obviously, there's no "C" in "organized," either.
So that's when it starts to get really complicated.
- Charlie, I'm gonna help you out here.
- Okay.
You are dating a beautiful woman now.
You cannot bring her back here.
And I don't want you to wind up one of those guys who gets eaten by their cats.
I don't have cats.
How do you know? Thanks for letting me stay here, Mom.
You're always there for me.
And I would much rather hang out with you than Dad and Blah-Blah.
Oh, don't be so hard on Barbara.
She has to live with your father.
She's got it bad enough.
[CHUCKLES.]
She does suck ass, though, doesn't she? [LAUGHING.]
I mean, she puts out raisins like they're a snack.
Raisins.
You sleep well, and, uh, things will feel better in the morning.
[WHIMPERING.]
What's the matter, honey? Well, it's just You know that you can tell me anything.
I was in the middle of telling you.
It's just, when Michael broke up with me, he made me sleep on the couch, so this is super triggering for me.
Well, hey, we can take care of this.
I'll sleep on the sofa, you take the bed, okay? - Is that better? - Yep.
I am jealous of the sleep you're about to get.
[CHUCKLES.]
I mean [SIGHS.]
the couch is all warm from our butts.
[CHUCKLES.]
If you'd rather sleep out here, I Good night, Mom.
[SIGHS.]
: Oh, stupid Hank.
I'm a doormat? Doormats go on the floor.
I am up on the sofa, so MJ: Trying to sleep in here! I knew it.
Your couch face.
Your creasy-corduroy-couch face.
You slept on the sofa last night, just like I said you would, didn't you? Doormat.
[SINGSONGY.]
: Doormat.
I am not a doormat.
So what if I slept on the couch? You don't get it, Hank.
This is a mother-daughter thing, and when she needs me, I melt.
Yeah, well, that does her no good.
You're a parent.
You're not supposed to melt.
You're not one of her ice sculptures.
You got to be something that doesn't melt, like, uh, steel.
No.
No, steel melts.
Or, uh, chocolate.
Damn, that melts, too.
Why can't I think of something that doesn't melt? Don't worry about it, Hank.
I get the point.
My God, does everything melt? Geez, Hank.
Wood.
How about wood? Yeah, Margaret, be wood.
Be as inflexible and strong as a big ol' hunk of wood.
I ain't talking about a twig, neither.
I'm talking about wood.
Not balsa wood or pine.
I'm talking about maple or oak or petrified wood.
All right, Hank, I've got it! And what do you care about it, anyway? 'Cause I had a mother that was just like you.
Let me walk all over her.
Took me forever to grow up.
Cost me relationships, jobs.
And you're not gonna believe this, but most of my life, I was kind of a jerk.
I'm so glad those days are behind you, Hank.
Look, I know my daughter.
The direct approach does not work with her.
I'm gonna get my bed back, but I'm gonna do it my way.
Let me guess.
You're gonna race her to bed and act like you're tired and fake-yawn? Margaret.
Please tell me you're not gonna go up in there - with no fake yawn.
- Oh, you know what? I don't need this.
I've got something a little more advanced up my sleeve, thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Wait a minute.
Wood burns.
This world wasn't built to last.
I'm trying to help you here, Charlie.
You have to get rid of something.
Let's do a lightning round.
How about this canister of blue gel for barber combs? Keep.
A photo album of a random Filipino family? Keep.
Come on, Charlie! This is all trash.
No, this is not trash.
This is a rich treasure trove of memories collected over a lifetime.
This hacky sack was in my pocket when I saw Sophia Loren at the mall in 1988.
There are no beans in it.
No one can hack that sack! This is not about the object.
This is about the way it makes you feel.
The way it takes you to a place where you yearn to go again.
The mall? Sid, you don't get it.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is a time machine.
All these things are.
I like knowing that I can time-travel through my life whenever I want.
I don't keep anything.
I have thrown away so many of my own time machines.
A busted Daffy Duck watch here, a chipped rhinestone belt buckle there.
And now it's just too late.
No, it isn't.
Um here.
It's a time machine to this very moment.
Well, thank you.
Thus begins my first hoard.
[STRAINED.]
: Never mind.
Your memories are crushing my friggin' neck.
[LOUD, FORCED YAWN.]
What was that? That was a that was a yawn.
[LOUD, FORCED YAWN.]
So tired.
I'm going to, uh I'm gonna go to sleep.
You probably want to stay up and watch TV for a little while longer, so, uh, maybe you should just, uh, take the couch.
And that will leave me with the bed.
I'm gonna be in my bed I'm gonna be in my bed Bed, bed, bed.
Night.
Mom.
[SCOFFS.]
If you want your bed back, you should just ask me, you big weirdo.
Oh, that would be great.
If there's anything that you need from me, you know I'll give it to you.
That's what we're like with each other.
Which reminds me No.
It's stupid.
What is it, sweetie? Well, a friend of mine just told me about this studio that opened in her building, but I need a little cash for a down payment.
Okay.
How much? - $1,800, but I'd totally pay you back.
- Oh That's a lot of money for me, MJ.
I know.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have even asked you.
- I'll ask Dad and Barbara.
- Uh No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Look.
I am gonna go sleep in my bed, and we'll talk about this in the morning and we'll figure it all out.
Okay, well, I'm obviously crowding you, so I'll just go stay with them.
No, I'm not saying that you should go.
I'm just saying you should sleep on the couch.
Okay, well, I'm having a hard time seeing the difference.
Come on.
You don't even like Blah-Blah.
Her name is Barbara, Mom.
[QUIETLY.]
: Barbara.
All right, you take the bed.
I will give you the money.
- I just need to find my checkbook.
- I'll help you look.
Oh, look, there it is, on the table right there.
With a pen next to it.
Oh, look, you filled it out and everything.
Yeah.
All you have to do is sign right there.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Thanks, chica.
Wait, what the hell just happened? I know it's late, but I I really need something from you.
Well, well, well.
I knew this was gonna happen one of these lonely nights.
But, girl, no.
- What? - You know, next time, you should start with a "You up?" text.
See, that way, you don't have to face this humiliation in person.
[CHUCKLES.]
Things are not that bad.
Things will never be that bad.
No, I'm here to tell you that you were right and I need your advice.
Well, in that case, welcome to Hank's.
Just so I'm 100% correct on this, you said I was right and that you need my advice? Can you say that again into my phone so I got it on record? How long are you gonna milk this? Well, at least a couple of weeks.
Hey, I'm the milkman, baby.
All right.
So, how bad is it? It's pretty bad.
Well, you didn't give her any money, did you? Well, tell me it was less than $100.
[WHIMPERS SOFTLY.]
- Two? - [WHIMPERS.]
Oh, no.
Did you give her $500? 1,800.
$1,800?! Ooh, I got to stand up and pace on that.
Ooh-wee! You gave a homeless ice sculptor enough money to buy a '93 Pontiac Sunfire? Yes.
I know, I screwed up.
You were right.
I need to be wood.
I don't know how to be wood.
Well, good thing you came to the woodshop.
The milkman works at the woodshop? Yep.
All right.
Margaret, you need to give your daughter some tough love.
And it's 30 years overdue.
I know.
I'm just concerned about how she's gonna react, and I don't want to push her away.
Well, that's why it's called tough love.
You've been doing what's easiest for Margaret.
Now you got to do what's best for MJ.
I don't know if I can.
I'll go with you, then.
You want to put some pants on first? Tough love don't wear pants.
SID: Help me! Get me out of here! Just hold on, buddy.
I'm moving as fast as I can.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
The key to my 13th apartment.
You know, there's a funny story that goes with this, Sid.
Charlie! No, you're-you're gonna want to hear this.
It's got a monkey in it.
Oh, shut up and start digging.
I'm claustrophobic.
[SHRIEKS.]
And I'm not sure I'm alone in here.
Okay.
Well, hold on.
I'll get you out.
Oh, there's a hand.
Oh, that's not good.
[GRUNTING, GASPING.]
Oh, I can breathe again.
Charlie, I could have died in there.
I got little bitty lungs.
[PANTING.]
[GROANS.]
I'm so sorry, Sid.
I'm glad you're okay.
Did you ever think that instead of collecting this crap, you should be out there living in the present? Do you know how many new memories you've missed making while you're in here organizing your old ones? [EXHALES.]
You're right.
I should get rid of some stuff.
I am so happy to hear you say that.
But before you do, I'm gonna need that monkey story.
Does it smoke a cigarette? - [DOOR OPENS.]
- Now, look here, little girl, you gonna sit down, and you gonna listen to what your mama's got to say.
I'm already sitting down.
[CHUCKLING.]
: Mom, what is this? I'm here to be wood.
- What? - I love you, MJ, but you got to sleep on the couch, and you've got to give me back that money.
Well, it doesn't sound like you love me at all.
Don't fall for it, Margaret.
What is he doing here? Is this your boyfriend, Mom? Because you could do so much better.
What? Excuse me? Don't change the subject, MJ.
The subject is you.
Yeah, and how you a loser! Don't call my daughter a loser.
I can call my daughter a loser.
You cannot call her a loser.
You're calling me a loser two days after I got dumped? That is so mean.
No wonder Dad left you.
Ooh, damn.
Is that really where you want to take this? HANK: You know what? I just came here to get the ball rolling.
The ball is rolling, so let me just ease It's not gonna work anymore, MJ.
I'm done feeling guilty about the divorce, so quit holding it against me, and quit holding it against your dumb, stupid, idiot father.
Look, I'm-a wait this out in the bathroom.
Margaret, what's your Wi-Fi? You are an adult now, MJ.
It's time to grow up.
It's time to get a real job.
It's time to take some responsibility for your own damn life.
I'm leaving.
Well, I'm glad I could help you out with your daughter.
[LOUD, FORCED YAWN.]
I'm gonna just I'm tired.
Ooh.
Still no word from MJ.
I've called every ice dealer in town.
I guess you'll know she's all right when the check clears.
[LAUGHS.]
It's too soon for a joke.
I realize that now.
Good news, Sid.
I found your wok.
You're gonna want to rinse it off.
Oh, I'm so proud of you, buddy.
You got rid of all your stuff.
Uh, I didn't say "all," but I whittled it down to a few thousand of my most precious memories.
Couldn't have done it without you.
HANK: You know, I usually don't take things in this direction, but hoarders are always white people.
Black people don't hoard.
Hey.
Hey.
I thought you left.
Nah, I slept in an old canoe someone left outside.
Forgive me, Tulugaak.
I just wanted to give you your money back.
I decided I should figure some things out on my own, so I made some calls, and it looks like Stephanie needs a roommate and Cynthia needs a receptionist at her hair salon, so I'm good.
Well, MJ, this is great.
Nah, it's lame, but I guess it's time I move on from ice sculptures.
They just melt.
Everything does.
You know, everything you said to me really sucked, Mom, but I kind of needed to hear it.
Thanks.
I love you.
I love you, too, sweetie.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, I'm off.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Bye-bye, MJ.
Nice meeting you.
- Bye, MJ.
Bye, Margaret Jr.
You named your daughter Margaret Jr.
? No wonder she's so messed up.
Wow, I can't believe it.
I finally got through to her.
This is really great, Margaret.
Your 35-year-old daughter might be getting a job.
Kudos!