The Crazy Ones s01e12 Episode Script

Wait! Hold the elevator.
What's that? - This old thing? - Mmm.
Just a little tennis trophy I won last night.
"Women's B-League Champion Division"? - Must be a typo.
- Ah.
Uh, I realize I might be wading into shrew-infested waters, but you are under 50, aren't you? Hey, no.
She's over 50.
You think Sydney would lie about her age just to win a tournament against weaker competition? - I hate you both.
- Mm-hmm.
- Say, isn't it illegal - Not if they don't check.
And when you think about it, these people have been playing for decades longer than I have, so technically, this victory means more I just wanted to win.
- There you go.
- We just wanted confirmation.
Now that we've untangled Sydney's web of lies, get me up to speed on the video game pitch.
Well, we've been playing last year's Medal of Glory, and since I consistently beat Andrew If by "consistently" you mean "almost never.
" I'll tell you, we think a great theme for the upcoming game should be "enlistment.
" Ah.
Who doesn't like to enlist? Makes you feel like you're part of something.
Totally.
It's all a recruitment campaign.
We're gonna have posters, people in malls we'll rent out storefronts and literally enlist guys to play the game.
I see.
All the excitement of combat from the comfort of your mother's couch.
Oh mmm.
It's not bad.
Okay, Sydney, where are you at with the Zen-Phoria Spa campaign? Dazzle me.
Uh, I've asked Lauren to assist me on this one.
She has first-hand experience.
Yeah, I went to the Florida Panhandle School of Cosmetology, Class of February.
- Good month.
- We want to communicate to the customer that Zen-Phoria is more than just a spa, it's an experience.
It's a lifestyle.
Something you can take with you wherever you go.
B.
Y.
O.
Z.
Bring your own Zen.
Great ideas.
Mach military game campaign; thoughtful, sensitive spa stuff.
This is exactly what the clients are expecting.
- Thank you.
- Great.
- Fantastic.
- Great.
Which is exactly why we're not gonna do them.
Okay.
Saw that coming.
Inspiration hit me this morning about 3:00 in the morning, not like the old days.
I had just installed this new app on my smart telephone - Also known as a phone.
- It's called Roadz, with a "Z.
" The "Z" makes it kicky.
It tells you how to avoid traffic.
It also takes you to areas of the city you never knew existed.
For example, did you know Chicago also has a South Side? Well, now I do.
This is what we need to do with our campaigns.
You know? Get outside our comfort zones.
Take the clients on an adventure! So what are you saying? Lads on lotion, gals on guns.
Go! Come on, put your hands in there, yeah Simon, you did it again.
That's a great idea.
He did it again.
This happens every time he downloads a new app.
He comes up with some brilliant idea that just makes our lives way harder.
Yeah, we just got this place cleaned up from the Fruit Ninja incident.
Hai! Payaya! Ah! Hai-yah! Maybe that's why we have ants.
Who gave him the password to his iTunes account, anyway? I mean, those parental controls are there for a reason.
He said he was just downloading books.
He's never just downloading books.
Now we have to write about spa crap.
Do you know what it's like growing up one of seven sisters? - Don't say it like that.
- I spent my entire childhood evading people trying to put makeup on me.
Then I'd have to go to school in eyeliner and blush.
And then I'd get a black eye.
Then I'd have to put makeup on it, and the cycle of violence would continue.
- I want none of it.
- Well, neither do I.
It's gonna ruin women for me.
The makeup, the lotion, the perfume Once you pull back the curtain, you see things you can't unsee.
I don't want to know how the sausage is made.
Yeah, well, the good news for you is you can't compete over spa products.
Well, I bet you're thrilled about that, because you wouldn't stand a chance, being that your crow's feet make you more bird than man.
Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over those sunspots you've been passing off as freckles.
Boys, you're both lovely, and I'm sure any man would be very lucky to have you.
- Thank you.
- What about me? I have to write about video games.
Well, if an 11-year-old can play them, I guess I can talk about them, right? You know they're dropping off advance copies of the game in an hour.
- Super secret copies? - No one's even played it.
I can't say for sure they don't get laid, but this does not bode well.
There are only 100 of these on planet Earth.
Oh, it's beautiful! - It's here! - Oh, my God, it's amazing.
- Hi.
How are you? - Hi.
Please forgive my associates.
It's very exciting.
Tell us more.
Well, the main difference between this game and the last one is that in this game, you can upload a photo of yourself and play as an avatar that looks exactly like you.
Which is, uh, unfortunate for Jerome.
Yeah.
What? No, shut up.
I got this.
I-I read the manual.
Customizable avatars seem like a great improvement.
But I really hope you left the, uh, rocket launcher locked to the left trigger button, because I love that.
Yeah.
I mean, it's not, uh, the most powerful weapon but who doesn't love rocket-jumping? Oh! Don't get me started on rocket-jumping.
What map do you, uh, rocket-jump on the most? I haven't been rocket-jumping as much since I was an N-zero-zero-B.
Are you are you trying to say "noob"? Tomato, to-mah-to.
I mean, you know I rocket-jump in Baghdad all the time.
It's the only way to get to the top of the Imperial Palace.
You find the Easter Egg up there? Found it? Uh how do you think we unlocked the bunny level? Bunny level! Bunny level! Boom! Goes the bunny 'cause the bunny goes boom! The Crazy Ones Oh, my God.
This is ridiculous.
I-I had a winning pitch for the Zen-Phoria campaign.
There's no way I'm gonna be able to break into this video game boys' club.
Are you kidding? Those guys would do anything to get next to a human woman.
Your idea was good, but a winning idea comes from looking at something from a new perspective.
I fear an analogy coming on.
Maybe you're wrong.
Maybe it's a simile.
You're right, it's an analogy.
A sculpture tells a different story when viewed from another angle.
Rodin's The Thinker, for example, when viewed from the front, he's contemplating life.
When viewed from the back, it's a guy on a toilet.
He could still be thinking.
See? It's working already.
You'll find your winning idea.
All you have to do is fall in love with the product from a new perspective.
But how am I supposed to fall in love with that stupid game? - I don't even play video games.
- If only there was a solution.
We used the picture from your company ID.
Oh, great.
I was worried you wouldn't be able to find a terrible picture of me.
Don't worry, Syd.
No one's going to be looking at your face.
So here where you can make changes to your body, you know, anything that you might want to augment Yeah, I think I'll take a more athletic body type, thank you.
Oh, what about the women's 50 and over tennis champion look? I hate this game and we haven't even started.
Okay, I'm top right.
Andrew, you're top left.
Syd, you're bottom left.
Lauren, you are the hot one in the corner.
On your six! It just vibrated.
What does that mean? I just shot you.
Wh? Why would you do that? Stupid game.
It's very accurate.
This is what life would be like in a contemporary military engagement.
Look, there's a life pellet.
Walk on it, absorb it.
Hey, Lauren, you just shot me.
No, it wasn't me.
It wasn't me, either.
How many buttons does this damn thing have? Who just shot me? Think it was Andre Sagassi over there.
Me? Well maybe this game isn't so bad after all.
She's tasted first blood, boys.
You two better watch out.
You watch out.
Don't you make eyeballs at me, maggot.
Watch out! I mean video game's fun! Yay! Wow, your skin looks amazing.
Not a pore on there.
I-I'm using the Zen-Phoria Practice Makes Pore-fect regimen.
Here, smell that.
It's peppermint.
It's like a faceful of Christmas.
- You're a show-off.
- What? Simon told us to use the products to inspire a pitch.
Like this one I just came up with: "Zen-Phoria: Are you elevator ready?" And if I may answer for you - no.
- You know what? That peppermint smell is making it hard to hate you, but I'm going to take you down.
Oh, Sydney came in early.
I think she's wearing the same clothes as yesterday.
That's definitely yesterday's last season's blouse.
Oh, hey, guys.
I'm just playing with some friends I met in closed beta.
Die, Joey! You're not gonna make it to 11.
I'm winning! - I should probably talk to her.
- Yeah.
Andrew let me smell you for good luck.
That is so good.
Dad time.
Sweetie, have you been here all night? Yeah.
You told me to get out of my comfort zone.
Well, my back's killing me, I've had to pee since midnight, so mission accomplished! You know, the Zen-Phoria people are almost here.
Yeah.
Quick comb through my face, and I'll pop in.
- Sweetie? - Uh-huh? You may want to put your, uh, "lady's helper" back on.
Yeah.
Seriously, quick coat of paint and I'll be Ooh Door.
Okay.
Don't worry.
Is she okay? Who among us hasn't needed a little disco nap to get through the day? You know what? Dim the lights, put on some Enya.
The Zen-Phoria people will think she's meditating.
I'll put a mask on her, too, so they think she's moisturizing.
- Ooh.
- Cosmetology school.
We're coming up on our 46-month reunion.
- It's at the Ramada.
- Go February.
Oh, hello! Welcome to Lewis, Roberts & Roberts.
You've caught us during one of our mandatory spa-lax days.
We like to say the campaign to happiness starts with your chi and extends outward.
Oh, excusez-moi.
I was just pampering myself with a Zen-Phoria Sleeping Beauty Glo-mask.
Actually, I'm also wearing that mask, except I've combined mine with a Scrub You Later oxygenation mask for complete relaxation.
I think, chemically, you're not supposed to combine those.
Oh, really? I feel fine.
Like a faceful of hot snakes.
Well, you know, you can't sell it if you don't live it, folks.
Now, we believe that creativity springs from serenity, a sense of calm I just unlocked Kosovo, bitches! Oh, Serbia, you're about to go boo-yah-ka-shah! We do a lot of work with Eastern European war veterans, and Will you excuse me? I have to go conduct an aura adjustment.
Zachary, will you finish the tour? Namaste.
I'd love to.
Because I am filled with Zen-Phoria.
I also am filled with Zen-Phor Oh, you run, but you cannot hide! - There's no hiding! - Hey, Private Ryan.
Pause the game.
You know you almost ruined the Zen-Phoria pitch? Multi-million dollar contract, not to mention tons of free swag.
Sorry, I just got really excited.
I know you did.
In my defense, I had just unlocked chemical weapons.
I am kicking ass at this.
I am winning! Honey, you have to be careful you don't get too obsessed.
I was just trying to fall in love with the product - like you told me, but - I know.
I guess I was wrong.
I mean, I'm not doing what you want.
I don't know what you want me to do! I'm really trying! Oh, no, honey.
I know you're trying.
I know you are, okay? I'm sorry.
I didn't mean - I'm just, I'm really tired.
- I know you are.
You know, and you keep yelling at me! I'm not yelling at you.
I'm not yelling.
- Yell at me - I'm sorry.
Please, I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me, okay? Okay.
Maybe the research phase of this project's over, okay, baby? Maybe we'll get Lauren in here and you guys can start throwing some ideas around, huh? How about that, huh? - Okay.
- All right, listen to me.
You can take as much time as you want.
- You're very pretty.
- Oh, you, too.
Okay.
Okay, have fun.
What just happened? Andrew, I have to say, those facial burns really highlight your cheekbones.
Enjoy them while they last.
They're going away thanks to Zen-Phoria's Aloe Ladies cooling mask.
So, boss, we have something that we really need to talk to you about.
- It sounds serious.
- Well, I'm afraid it is.
Whose hands do you think are softer? Oh, I knew this day would come.
I'll have to do the touch test.
Thank you.
This is so hard.
I look at Zach, and I think of clouds.
Then I transfer the softness to his hands.
You know what? I'm gonna put on the Zen-Phoria sexy kitty sleep mask.
That way, I can be objective.
You guys move around and then gently caress my cheeks.
I think that way I won't be able to have a favorite.
Mm-hmm.
That's good, that's good.
Simon, I need you Damn it woman! Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?! Winner, winner, chicken dinner! In your over-exfoliated face.
Oh, jokes on you.
I burn my face off.
Now what's so important, Lauren? Well, you wanted to see where Sydney and I were on the Medal of Glory account? Yes.
My hands are dry.
Hit me with some of that sexy magic there, would you? Give me some, too.
I have to admit, your hands are softer.
- That's good.
- Thanks very much.
Okay, so where are you guys at? Well, um, Sydney said it was important to fall in love with the product.
- It is.
So did you? - No, I hate it.
Sydney's so mean! She keeps camping my spawn point.
Every time I come back alive, she kills me! Ten points.
Ten points.
Ten points.
Ten points.
That's terrible! I raised her better than that.
That wasn't even the worst of it.
I'm winning, I'm winning.
I'm really, really winning.
Oh, I'm winning.
I'm winning, I'm really, really winning.
Oh! Hello, loser's hotline.
It's for you.
I raised a bad winner and a worse dancer.
Then it got really ugly.
You frag me one more time in Team Death Match, and You know what? Too late.
Well, that's how it felt.
You know, it's all Sydney's fault! I have to take a smidgen of blame.
Possibly, I put too much pressure on her.
- That's what she said to me.
- Classic addict deflection.
Wow, you're right.
That was always my best move.
Tell me about it.
My mom was an addict for most of my childhood.
Wasn't pretty.
- I'm so sorry.
I never knew.
- Nah, it was terrible.
It's, like, holidays ruined, obsessive behavior.
It felt like she'd do anything for a Whatchamacallit.
A fix.
No, um, a Whatchamacallit.
Similar to a Crunch bar, but made by Hershey's.
Mom was a chocaholic.
- That sounds terrible.
- Yeah, it was.
Never knowing if you're gonna get an Easter 'cause Mom's on a bender.
Her telling us the Easter Bunny had skipped our house that day, but we knew he'd been there.
Mom had just kept everything for herself.
You know there's no Easter Bunny, right? Not for us, there wasn't.
Seems too fast to be an addiction.
Sydney always was an overachiever.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
Damn this sweet cocoa butter.
I can help you with that.
I got it, I got it.
- Get out of the way.
- It's greasy.
- Let me try again.
- Let me grab it.
- No, I got it.
- I think it's locked.
Come on.
- Guys.
- Damn it, woman! Can't you see 're trying to open a door here? Sydney's leaving.
What? Syd! Sydney! Hey, Sydney, where you going, honey? Oh, I'm gonna grab an early lunch.
Ah.
I mean, the bandwidth here sucks.
Who has three hours to wait for the Lebanon DLZ? Why is this place so stupid?! Maybe we need to stage an intervention.
I'm not sure that would help.
I tried talking to her, and she used some sort of Jedi mind trick on me.
I don't think a traditional intervention's the way to go.
Maybe we don't go traditional.
What the hell's going on? Did I just wander into a multiplayer game? We're here because we care about you, pumpkin.
Because you've been acting like a psychopath.
- Lauren, that wasn't nice.
- Even when my voice goes up? "Your addiction has brought back "painful memories of my mother, waking up "to a kitchen full of chocolate cordial wrappers.
It's no way to start the day".
Rum chocolates? Are you sure your mother wasn't just a fat alcoholic? This isn't about my mother.
- Are you wearing guyliner? - The real question is, are my eyes popping more than your eyes? Yes.
Psst! Focus.
Honey, since you've started playing, you ruined the Zen-Phoria pitch, you've attacked people who loved you, and you let your personal grooming go to hell.
But we love you and we're here for you.
We just want you to know this is a safe place.
Thank you.
I hear you.
I just want to say one thing.
Intervention over, bitches! Can't say I didn't see that coming.
That's how my first intervention ended.
Hello, Sydney.
- Dad? - Ah.
How did you find me? Oh, your Find-A-Friend app.
Yeah.
Would have been here sooner, except the Roadz app tried to send me through Lake Michigan.
I think she's trying to kill me.
Hey, sweetie, I need to talk to you about this addiction of yours.
Oh, God, why are you guys making such a big deal out of this? I enjoy playing a video game.
I mean, Desmond, you enjoy playing video games, right? I mean, you're not addicted.
I've been here since Wednesday.
My wife's having a baby right now.
See? Desmond's fine.
I guess this shouldn't come as a shock that you have addictive behavior.
You are my daughter.
I'm not addicted to a video game.
No, honey, I think you're addicted to winning.
Wow, this is all my fault.
I created an expectation in you.
When you were little, I always let you win at everything.
No, you didn't.
Gin! Yay! I win, I win! I give up.
Where are you? I'm right here! I'm so good, I don't even have to hide my legs! I win again! - Oh! - Yes! I win again! I'm stronger than a man! I never need to get married! Why would you do that? Honey, when your mother and I got divorced, we had such limited time, I wanted to make it all positive.
I only had every other weekend to make you like me better.
Guess that's why I'm such a bad loser.
Oh, are you kidding? You're the worst.
But the good news is, we Roberts have a way of channeling our obsessive behavior into our jobs.
I once got so high, I spent the entire day stacking potato chips into little towers.
I said, "Let's put 'em in a can.
Let's call 'em Stacky Chips".
I think they went with another name.
Pringles? One of our biggest accounts? Yeah, but I like Stacky Chips better.
It says what it does.
You know, Stacky Chips.
Well, if you're talking about the Medal of Glory account, I'm not gonna win it.
I hate it.
Honey, it doesn't matter.
Zach and Andrew have good ideas.
We're gonna win this account.
- I want to win it.
- Why? So I'm still the best in your eyes.
- Aside from Zach.
- Ah, that goes without saying.
Maybe that's my thing.
Maybe I saw you so little, that I thought you would love me more if I was a winner.
Wow, we really did a number on each other.
I'm gonna say it was more you.
I was five.
Apology accepted.
You think maybe we can turn this thing off now? Oh, my God, look at me.
I'm a mess.
I don't even recognize myself.
Wait I just had an idea.
- What - Wait! That's another thing us Roberts are addicted to: the dramatic reveal.
I gotta be honest with you guys, it wasn't easy coming up with a campaign that captures the blunt reality of your game, but I think we found it.
I think we found it.
- No! Do not pitch to them! - Why not? Simon, I tried to stop her! What's gotten into her? Has she gone mad? It's hysteria on the fact of the account of she's an unmarried woman! What's happened to you? I think I'm allergic to lip plumper.
This game ruins people's lives.
Honey I don't think this is the time or the place for this unplanned intrusion.
No, they need to know what this game does to people.
No, what do you mean?! You see before you a normal pretty girl.
Something your ilk doesn't see very often.
Oh, she got you, dude! Burn! - She got you, too.
- Uh, yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is me after four straight days of playing your game.
- I was hooked after the first kill.
- Oh, yeah.
I fell down the rabbit hole, and I fell hard.
- Big time.
- It was ugly.
I saw sides of myself that I never wanted to know about.
I went 17 straight hours without a pee break.
- Your best was 16.
- I know.
But I would do it again - in a heartbeat.
- I'll bet.
Because sitting there in that chair playing that game, I have never felt more alive.
- Did it cost me? - Oh, yeah.
- You bet it did.
- Us, too.
But I wouldn't trade it for anything, because that is the face of a winner.
And I'm not alone.
Medal of Glory a game so realistic, you can't help but come out of it scarred for life.
Yes, yes, that is amazing.
- We are in! - Ha! - No.
- That's cool.
I'll call you.
- No, you won't.
- Dude, social cues.
You done with war? - Oh, yeah.
- Welcome back, son.
- You know I'm a girl, right? - A guy can dream.
That is bad.
Yeah, it's definitely getting bigger.
What happens if it doesn't stop plumping? I'm not sure, but I have an epi pen in my pocket.
If I pass out, you'll have to stab me with it, okay? - Okay.
You win.
- Just stab me with it.
I win.
Kick ass! I'm a fruit! - Do it right here.
- I've got cabbage in my belly button.
Right there.
- Got salad in every crevasse.
- I got kale in my eyes.
That's vegetable theater.
"Your addictions brought back painful memories of my mother, waking up to a chicken.
" I gotta go talk to her! Damn it, woman, can't you see we're trying to open the door here! I have an epi pen in my pocket.
If I pass out, stab me with it.
This isn't funny.
Lauren is a sad loser.
She's not a loser anymore.