The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e12 Episode Script

Read 'em and weep.
- Oh, man!
- Mm.
Boy, Drew, it's great
you're finally over
this management-employee
"I can't see Lisa" thing.
I didn't wanna say anything but
it was getting kind of stupid.
- Ha-ha.
- Yeah, I thought so too.
- How about you, Martha?
- Sure thing, Fred.
Would you guys stop worrying?
Lisa is here asmyfriend
not as Drew's
secret girlfriend.
ThoughtIwas
Drew's secret girlfriend.
It was an experiment,
and it failed.
So, let it go.
Everybody, ante up.
Oh, Oswald,
this isn't strip poker.
I know, I'm just out of money,
and I'm betting my sock.
Did you jog today?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, here's five bucks.
Okay, what do you say
we liven this up?
High card has to tell
the weirdest place
they ever had sex.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
On a woman.
We haven't dealt
the cards yet, Oswald.
- On a train.
- Oswald!
Just outside of Toledo.
Okay, you're done.
King of Spades is high. Lewis.
Weirdest place, huh?
I guess I'd have to say..
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
- At Disneyland?
- No.
That's just what she called it.
Okay, I fold.
Oh, come on, Drew,
you've been around.
What's your strangest place?
Oh, come on, there's been
so many, I-I don't wanna brag.
What, are you afraid your
friends will think you have sex?
- Shut up. They know I don't.
- Yeah.
Alright, let me guess.
Could it be..
in your car?
In your bed?
On the pool table
tomorrow night?
- 'Oh.'
- 'Oh-ho-ho.'
Okay, looks like I win.
Everybody leave.
[all laughing]
Drew, I said tomorrow night.
Yeah, I know, but I gotta call
my mom, tell here the good news.
[laughing]
[theme song]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland ♪
Underneath
your silvery light ♪
We're goin' bowlin' ♪
So don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Here you go, buds.
- Hey.
So, uh, Oswald any problems
at the job interview?
I don't think so but I may have
gotten something backwards.
Is it that you're supposed
to look him in the eye
and don't scratchyourass?
Come on,
I have done this before.
I'm not totally inept.
- So howdidit go?
- Not too good.
You know, you should never
ask a woman if she's pregnant.
- No.
- So you didn't get the job?
No. Maybe if I hadn't
rubbed her tummy
and said "Hey, you got a
linebacker in there!"
Uh-oh. An angry mob.
(Lewis)
'Oh, they're just the people
from your store.'
- Hey, Kate.
- Oh, hi, Lewis. Hi, guys.
(Drew)
Hey, how'd
the union meeting go?
It's still going, we're taking
a break to have a few beers.
Oh, yeah? Gonna celebrate
that big new contract?
I don't think so.
We're headed for a strike.
A strike?
Boy you're kidding me.
You know, Drew,
you may wanna leave now.
Why? 'Cause I'm management?
Let me tell you something,
I'm just barely management.
If, uh, management
was a big dinner
I'd be sitting
at the kiddie table.
Drew, this is nothing to do
with you being management.
I just don't like you.
But I-I do like you.
And I still want you to leave.
- Come on.
- Wait a minute.
I may be the last voice
of sanity in here.
You can't strike a few weeks
before Christmas.
You'll shut down
the store.
Besides, I-I hired
every dwarf in Cleveland
to ride that little train
in the lobby.
Oh, I'm sorry, Drew.
But we're just sick and
tired of working our butts off
for low wages
while management gets fat!
Hey, maybe management
has a slow metabolism.
Did you ever think of that?
I think management's gotta
stop dipping his butter cookies
in chocolate syrup.
Wow, have you lost touch!
Now, you're just Mr. Big Shot
sitting way up
in your ivory tower.
Ivory tower?
It's a cubical.
I sit in a plastic chair.
You wouldn't even have a job
if it wasn't for me.
[sighs]
Hold on a minute.
Look what we're doing, Drew.
I mean, I appreciate
that you gave me a job.
But it looks like there's gonna
be some rough seas ahead.
So let's agree right now
that if this thing ever makes
us forget that we're friends..
we'll take a time-out
and give each other a big hug.
Deal?
- Alright. Deal.
- Okay.
You know I'm not
against unions.
I'm just sure
we can solve this thing
without a big, ugly strike.
I used to be a sales person,
I know what it's like.
I mean, I hired most of you,
you're like my family.
Kate, Larry..
[claps and snaps fingers]
You over there..
Guy with the hat,
the woman with the sweater.
You really want to avoid
an ugly strike?
Give us a scoop on how much
management's willing to bend.
Alright, if it'll help save
Christmas for everybody
I'll-I'll spill my guts.
[chairs thudding]
Okay.
How much do they have
in the budget for raises?
I don't know.
Do you think we can
get more vacation time?
I don't know.
Can we get more
health care benefits?
I don't know.
Let's try this one.
How can you be the assistant
director of Personnel
and be so completely
out of touch
with what's going on
in the management?
I don't know.
What've you heard?
Strike. Strike.
[all chanting]
Strike, strike, strike.
[all chanting]
Strike, strike, strike.
[instrumental music]
Boy, Drew, you're all covered
up. Is it cold out?
[chuckles]
Or did the city
pass an ugly ordinance?
I'm covered up, 'cause I was
tryin' to sneak through
the picket line.
I would have made it too
except someone pointed me out.
Hey, I didn't say your name.
No, all you said was "There's
the cause of all your troubles
and there's a pile of rocks."
Oh, let me add this
to your pile.
The first wave
of incompetent temp workers
are waiting in the lobby.
Lashondra, could you send in
the first temp worker, please?
- Lashondra?
- Lashondra's on strike.
(male #1 on phone)
'Hello, who's there?'
Hear that, Mimi?
One of the incompetent temp
workers heard the phone ringing
and took it upon himself
to answer the phone.
Hi, there, who is the eager
beaver I'm speaking to?
(male #1 on phone)
'Hello? Where's that voice
coming from?'
'How come there's so many
buttons on this thing?'
'Hey, listen to this.'
["Suwannee River" on buttons]
I'll make sure they find
their way up here.
[laughs]
I got a pocket full
of feed corn.
Bet you got more
than a pocket full.
- Paycheck.
- Nora.
Am I glad accounting
isn't on strike.
It is. But I'm married to my job
and I do not cheat.
Look, uh, Nora, I know you
and I have had our problems
in the past, but I may need
your help on something.
You see, uh..
I might need to hire
some, how do I put this?
Undocumented Canadians
to do a little odd jobs
[clears throat]
around the store.
Do they have work visas?
Not exactly.
But it's very common, they come
down here to work in exchange
for cigarettes
and regular bacon.
Come on. Cheer up.
I'm making a joke.
I'm trying to boost morale
around here.
My morale is up.
I've never been happier
in my whole life.
Hey, Drew.
Oswald, what are you
doing here?
Here for a job.
Hi. I'm Oswald.
Glad you finally
got that worked out.
- Yeah.
- Oh, okay, everybody.
I'm glad you're here.
We have openings
all over the store.
So, who has any special talents?
I can play"Suwannee River"
on the telephone.
And we have a parking attendant.
Thank you.
Okay, go-getters,
the payroll department's
right around the corner and..
Listen, we don't have
a real strict dress code here
but if you could wear shoes
tomorrow, sir?
Thank you.
You know, Drew..
I don't wanna take advantage
of our friendship and all
but could I have a job
where I travel?
Okay, but listen,
while we're setting that up
how about if I start
you out in, umcosmetics?
Cosmetics? That's a girl job.
Pays seven bucks an hour.
Hey, I'll cut it off
for seven dollars an hour.
Did I just hear you're
giving away jobs in cosmetics?
Yeah, giving away
and throwing away
are two different things, Mimi.
Send me in, coach.
- I am ready. I can do this.
- Mimi, come on.
The cosmetics counter
is right by the front door.
You don't have a choice.
You're up against the wall.
And you need me.
Alright. I'm giving you
a chance, but don't blow it.
Blow it? For your information
I've been putting
on makeup every morning
since I was twelve.
Yeah, maybe one night
you'll actually take some off.
[instrumental music]
You can take
my word for it, ma'am.
It's really good makeup.
- It's made in France.
- Hmm.
So you gonna buy it or what?
Hmm, was it tested
on animals?
Yes. And they looked fantastic.
Hmm.
Yeah, that's not
gonna cut it, Oswald.
You have to tease
the customer.
You want this makeup?
Can't have it.
You want it?
Can't have it.
Who's got the makeup?
I got the makeup.
You want it?
Can't have it.
Somebody's gonna
lose an eye.
So, scabmeister,
how was your day?
Totally insane.
Everyone hates me.
'Cause I have to hire
the people to fill in.
I do all the dirty work.
All the big leagues
hide up in their offices.
Hey, look at Carey down there,
running through the picket line.
He's quick for a big man.
[Lewis and Oswald laughing]
Merry Christmas, everyone.
It's a little early,
isn't it, Kate?
Well, I figured out my budget
and based on the first week
of the strike
I'll be broke
by December 24th, so..
Oh, you didn't have
to do all this.
Oh, Kate, this is so sweet.
You went out
and bought us something nice
while you still had the money.
Oh, no. I got you crap.
I just didn't wanna bring you
down Christmas morning.
I'm sure it's not crap.
I'm sure they're great.
Hey, look, shoes.
What a great gift!
Wait a second.
These aremyshoes.
I know. I polished 'em for you.
Merry Christmas.
Well, Merry Christmas to you.
I can see myself.
Hey, look. I'm disappointed
with my crappy gift.
Nah, I love it. Thanks.
Hey.
A rock! Ooh.
Well, you can never have
too many rocks.
Unless they're on top of ya.
Wow! It's an egg.
- Ho-ho-ho.
- I can't believe it.
I painted it myself, Drew.
Oh, you're kidding.
It looks store bought.
(Lewis)
Oh.
Hey, since
we're opening presents
let's open the ones
you got for us, Drew.
Uh, no. Those aren't for you.
They're for me.
It's, uh,
positive reinforcement.
Every time I don't open
the refrigerator
I give myself a gift.
What's in the boxes?
Uh, ham.
What's the matter?
Afraid you can't top a rock?
Alright, go ahead, but wish
I'd have got you something else.
Hey, I bet it's my watch.
- Oh, man.
- Oh.
I cannot believe you got me
this beautiful sweater
and I got you an egg.
Well, you know, Kate,
it's the thought that counts.
I didn't really even
think about it either.
I just grabbed it..
grabbed it from the fridge.
Well, you had to carry
it all the way over here.
You don't have to make me
feel better, Drew.
This isn't an easy time
for either of us.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Must be tough for you standing
out in the picket line
in the freezing cold.
Although, when you set
the delivery truck on fire
that must have warmed
you up a little.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, how about you tryin'
to replace everybody
I mean,
that's gotta be tough.
Yeah, boy,
it's killin' me.
I don't know about
the rest of the store
but the cosmetics counter
is pretty specialized.
You really have
to know your stuff.
Oh, I don't know.
- Hug?
- Oswald?
You put Oswald
in Cosmetics?
Come on.
Remember our deal, Kate. Hug.
Alright. You're right. Alright.
Aww. Besides, it's not just me.
I'm backing up Mimi.
Hug, hug, hug, hug.
You put Mimi in Cosmetics?
Oh, great.
Why don't we just put Ike Turner
in the complaint department?
Hug.
[inhales and exhales sharply]
You're right again.
I'm okay. I'm alright.
This is not going to end well.
If-if I started this,
I'll gladly give up the job.
No, it's not you're fault.
You just need to work and-and
Drew's just doing his job.
Unfortunately, Drew's job
is to hire replacement workers
to bust up the strike, so we
don't even have enough money
to buy real cheese.
I'd buy cheese with "Z."
Gee, did I just say that? Hug.
You know, I'm-I'm only doing
this to keep the store open
so you have a job
to come back to.
I'm-I'm doing this
to help you, Kate.
Help me?
If you help me any more
I'm gonna be starving,
broke, cold.
Hug!
[grunts]
Oh.
Eardrums.
Turning red.
Happy holidays.
[door opens and shuts]
You know, Christmas can't come
too early or too often.
- Hug?
- Oh.
[instrumental music]
Okay, as if today
hasn't been bad enough
I have another emergency.
There's been a couple
of no-shows in lingerie.
So I'm filling with Nora.
This is something
that's coming back to haunt me.
So, if you have
any questions, call me.
Do not leave the sales area.
Yeah, whatever.
And don't be rude
to the customers.
For instance, if somebody
comes up to you and says
"Hey, Halloween was over
a month ago."
You would say?
I'd say, "How you gonna
answer that phone
if it's ringing
out of your butt?"
And?
And "Thank you for shopping
at Winfred-Lauder!"
Excellent. Now, Oswald
did you familiarize yourself
with all the products?
Yes, you can ask me anything.
Alright, uh, what, uh,
what's this?
Powdery stuff.
Makeup of some kind.
Am I right?
Yeah, I guess so.
Oh! And one last thing.
Uh, and you can't repeat
this to anyone.
But the company
is on the verge of collapse.
Now, I wish I had someone
behind the counter
who knew the first thing about
what they are talking about.
But since I'm stuck with
you guys, wellgood luck!
We'll make you proud, bud.
Hi! Can I help you
to look more lovely?
Is Kate working today?
No, Kate's on strike,
because she doesn't care
about your beauty needs.
May I help you?
Well, I'm looking
for an eye shadow
in sort of an aquamarine.
Oh! Like this?
Uh, no. More rose tint.
- Oh, like this?
- Yes, but darker.
- Oh, like this? Oh.
- Yes!
Hazeltine Sea breeze
Number 14.
But you won't find it in store
as I make it at home.
Sorry.
Okay, here's your wonder bra
and your wonder panties.
Have a wonderful day!
Boy, some guy's in for a shock
when he turns on the lights
and pours some wine and
everything he's interested in
is still in her underwear.
He-he.
Do you have to talk
about women like that?
I'm not talking about women,
I'm talking about human nature.
You know, the way people
try to fool each other.
That's not how I'm like.
I say take me as I am,
or just don't take me at all.
Oh, look.
There goes my interest.
Hi! We're giving away
free makeovers today.
Sit down.
Sit down!
[cell phone rings]
Yes, Mr. Bell. Yeah. Yeah.
I know there is only
one guy in Sporting Goods.
It's okay. He'll be fine.
There's guns there.
Yeah, doing the best that I can.
Thank you, sir. Bye!
(female #1)
'Excuse me!
Can someone help me here?'
I'll be there as soon as I can.
Listen, you stay here
and guard the register.
And try not to look
so embarrassed to be here.
Yeah, that's better.
Excuse me, I need some help
picking out some lingerie
for my wife.
We're going to Tahiti.
That sounds fun.
I'd like something
kinda sheer and clingy.
You know, Kelly and I
are always looking for ways
to heighten the anticipation
of intercourse.
Theprimary exports of Tahiti
are vanilla and sugarcane.
Yeah, I like this.
But I'm not sure it'd fit.
Say, you're about
my wife's height.
Would you mind holding
this in front of you?
Oh! Uh..
I suppose there's no harm.
Oh, yeah!
That looks hot!
What? It does?
Absolutely!
Ruff.
Look, there's
a strike going on.
And we're very short-handed.
Does this look like
your mother's size or not?
Uh, excuse me. Please.
I'll beright there!
Look, it's comfortable,
it breathes.
I think I can
even jog in it.
Boy, this day
is never gonna end.
Oh, my God!
There's more.
Someone burn the nest.
[instrumental music]
Haircut?
- Did you lose weight?
- Unh-unh!
- It's a new shirt.
- Nope!
What is it?
I'm wearing makeup.
- You're kidding!
- Nope!
You can't see it,
'cause it's called "concealer."
Boy, if I see one more pair
of women's underwear..
I wouldn't worry about it, Drew.
How much longer is this strike
thing gonna go on, Drew?
- It's been three weeks.
- I don't know.
The teamsters
won't deliver merchandise
the management's all
on the floor and..
Right now, the day care center
is just a big, noisy
closet with a lock on it.
I sure could use
a beer right now.
Hey, I'm workin'. I'll buy.
Hey, Kate,
couple of beers over here.
I told you, I'm not a waitress.
I'm a bus girl.
Kate, when did you start
working here?
Wait, let me try to remember.
Was it before I got
my rent overdue notice
or after my cat
left me for bag lady?
O'Brien, I didn't hire you
to chat with your buddies.
If you don't get it in gear
and clean the crap
off the tables,
you're outta here.
It won't happen again. I'll get
on the tables right away.
[indistinct chatter]
That's it. This has
gone on long enough.
Kate, I'm so sorry.
I don't know how I could
be on the side of people
that have reduced
my friends to this.
And I'm killing myself trying
to keep the store running
with a skeleton crew
just so the company
can make a few bucks.
I'm going on strike.
- What?
- That's right.
Tomorrow morning,
I'm on that picket line.
When you're out there
holding that sign in the slush
I'll be there right next to you.
I don't care
if I run out of money.
I don't care
if I run out of food.
I am not going back
to that office
as long as there's
decent people like you
fighting for
what they believe in.
As far as I'm concerned
management can just go to hell!
Hey! Drinks on me.
The strike's over. We won!
Yeah! Woo!
[cheering]
[applauding]
Woo! Yeah, baby!
Whoo! Whoo! Alright! Whoo!
We won! Whoo!
Whoo!
Pretty dark there
for a while, wasn't it, Kate?
Hug?
Tip?
[instrumental music]
- Merry Christmas!
- Hey!
Hey, Oswald,
what's the outfit?
Well, I got used to having
a steady paycheck.
So I spent all day interviewing
for another job.
Global Parcel hired me
for the Christmas rush.
- Huh. Thanks.
- This is for you.
- And this is for you.
- Thanks.
- And this is for you.
- Hey.
Thanks, Oswald. But, um, these
are addressed to other people.
Nah, those are
all undeliverable.
So the employees get 'em.
See, you can't tell
if that's a three or a five.
It's a five.
Hey, you want
your Christmas present or not?
[beeps]
Oh, listen, guys. I'm sorry.
I-I have to ask
you guys to leave.
I got so far behind
during the strike
I got paperwork up to my ears.
- Okay.
- Alright.
You want us to help clean up?
- No, but thanks for the gifts.
- Hey, you bet.
- Bye.
- Merry Christmas.
- Thanks. See you later.
- See you later, man.
[rustling]
To love you baby ♪♪
- Hey.
- Hey!
- Right on time.
- Drew, what are you doin'?
You remember.
You and me, pool table.
Little strike got
in our way but, uh..
now I'm all chalked up.
And I'll break.
Well, you're not serious, right?
But you said, uh..
Yeah, but I was joking.
[laughs]
I-I thought I was coming
over for dinner.
Hey, I-I would
never have come
if I thought this
was what you had in mind.
[Drew sighs]
- It's a pool table, Drew.
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Ah, wh-what did you expect?
Me to come over
in something like this?
Well, you get the idea anyway.
I mean, it's December.
- Ha-ha.
- It's cold as hell out here.
Purr.
Five golden rings ♪
Four calling birds ♪
Three French hens
two turtle doves ♪
And a Partridge
in a Pear Tree ♪♪