The Good Guys s01e12 Episode Script

Little kids? Are you serious? The junior officers program is the chief's priority.
It encourages children to explore a career in law enforcement.
Okay, but they're 10.
They're probably also exploring careers as superheroes.
Okay, Bailey, look, I've got work to do, okay? So please go now and be inspired by, you know, the light in their eyes.
With all due respect, are you absolutely sure you want Dan Stark Dan Stark Dealing with children? No offense.
None taken.
Jack, don't ask me how, but junior officers that work with Dan Stark become cops at a rate that can only be described as Alarming.
Really?! Really.
It's easy.
See, you deal with kids the same way you deal with adults.
It's just, they're, you know, short and broke.
Come on, partner.
Let's go shoot the crap out of some damn destinies.
Come on.
I'm not gonna lie to you, little dudes, little dudettes.
Being a cop is just about the best thing In the whole world.
Now aaah! Son of a bitch! - Jack! - Yeah? Get me down.
Oh! Stiff.
You all right? I'm good.
UhWhere was I? Being a cop rules.
You got that right, kingley! Here's the deal, little mini-peoples.
When you're a cop, you get to drive a car as fast as you want, you get to shoot a real gun, you get to see a movie for free if you want to! You just walk up to the theater, you say, "hey, I'm following a perp.
" Uh, Dan Uh, kids, that is not true.
The police officers want to go to the movies, they have to pay, just like everybody else.
Kid #1: Aw, man! Kid #2: Boo! Yeah, okay, maybe the uniformed officers pay for movies, but I myself, I'm a Detective.
I do not pay for movies.
I want a coke with that popcorn bam! Flash my badge.
Dan, can I speak with you for a moment? Hang on one sec.
Uh, I don't think encouraging these, uh Uh, adorable, little tykes to commit fraud is really the The good example that we want to set today.
Learn from me, jacko.
Women love a guy who's good with kids.
So, you play your cards right here, you could get back sack-side with Lizzie.
Yeah, okay.
Okay? Uh, hey, kids.
So, my partner, Detective Dan, is right.
Being a police officer can be rewarding.
But it can also be really challenging, okay? Police officers need to know about the law, about science, math Okay! Detective Jack, thank you, thank you.
You know, that's good.
He is warning you, there are some boring parts.
But mostly, being a cop, it-it's just It's like being a kid! Except the guns are real, the cars are fast! You're getting paid to do it! We don't have a lot of time, cadets, so, uh, take a knee.
Here's the dillio.
You want to be a cop, you got to avoid I'll call them the "bad roads.
" Now, what do I mean by "bad road"? Crime! There's the road of crime over there.
Avoid it.
What's another bad road? Stay away from the drugs.
Avoid.
But there is one road that most adults won't warn you about, and it's this Working in an office! Your entire life filling out forms, dealing with files and whatnot.
Take it from me, kids Do not become a paper-pusher.
Well, where is it? I asked for a printout of that database over an hour ago.
Is there a reason I had to get out of the comfort of my ergonomical chair to come down here and beg for it again? I'm sorry, sir.
Uh, the system is buggy.
Really? 'Cause it's working fine in my office.
Records office.
Perry speaking.
Good.
It's I.
T.
I should probably take this.
By all means.
But, Perry, I like my chair.
It's got lumbar support.
Make me get out of it again You fired.
No.
What are you doing, vic?! I told you not to call me here.
I'm in enough trouble as it is.
If they find out what we're doing, I could get fired.
Hell, I could go to jail! I got to go.
People are getting suspicious.
I'll call you when it's done.
Oh.
Hey, Liz.
What brings you by? I just had to drop off some witness statements to vice desk.
It's like five feet away, so I thought I'd say hi.
You alwaysKnow the exact thing to say in any situation.
Etiquette school.
Ah, sure.
So, Jack, I was driving by the park, and I could have sworn that I saw you and Mr.
Dan playing with a bunch of kids.
They're the junior officers of the Dallas police department.
Ruiz wants us to But why are you smiling? Am I smiling? You are.
Y- you were, yeah.
Well, I guess I just, um I never knew that you liked kids so much.
I did.
I- I mean I do.
I love kids.
Hm, 'cause when I think about you and kids, I think about that time we were in Mexico and you berated that child in broken Spanish for quite some time.
That's only because I found out how much he was trying to charge me for a puka-shell necklace.
Puka shells! I forgot.
All right.
I like kids.
I do.
They're, uh, our future.
They are? Yeah, no.
Someone wrote a song about it.
I did not know that.
It's true.
My only problem is, is that kids have never really seemed to like me.
So when they take over, I'm just a little worried that I might be screwed.
Jack, I'm sure that they like you just fine.
Hmm, well, maybe.
You know who they love? Who? You're sitting in his chair.
No.
Yeah.
Detective Dan has a way with the mini-people.
We are at war with crime! And you need to be prepared for battle.
Move! Move! Move! All right, cadets, fall in! In formation! It's gut-check time, Randy! Do you want it?! Do you want it?! My name's Brian.
That's the spirit! All right.
Let me ask you a question.
We don't rest till the bad guys do.
When do the bad guys rest? Never! Internal affairs comes snooping around, asking questions about your partner, what do you say? I know nothing about the incident to which you refer! And why is that? Blue sticks with blue! I can't hear you! Blue sticks with blue! All right! Get down, give me 20! Live fire! Live fire! There you go! All right! Nice work! Mandatory hydration break! What is this? Hey! Hey, uh, uh, junior academy training.
Got to make sure these kids are ready when the time comes.
When what time comes? Puberty? I'm building futures here, jacko.
Get out of the way, follow, or ld.
I'm glad you're here, though.
We got a case.
Cadet Teddy, present, front and center! Yes, sir.
What do you mean, you have a case? Kid's got a lead.
Are you a lead? Yeah.
He's a rambly little guy.
But he's solid, so hear him out.
At ease, cadet.
Now, I want you to tell Detective Jack what you told me about the neighborhood lurker.
Oh, yeah.
This guy was real bad.
You hear that, Jack? He stole mail.
No good punk.
Punk.
I waited till he left, then collected the evidence.
Is this a joke? No.
Check it out.
Should all be in there, sir.
Okay, what's with the leaf? It's the loogie.
It's dried up.
Oh.
Yeah, there it is.
You know who, uh, steals mail? Yeah.
Psychotic mailmen.
Identity thieves.
They steal pre-approved credit-card applications, fill them out, send them in, and then they rack up a mountain of debt under someone else's name.
This is pretty good police work, kid.
I just want to wrap him up in tin foil and slip him in my pocket.
Pretty sure that would be illegal.
Where'd you get this credit-card receipt? It was inside the bag from the beer.
See that? Light beer.
That is a crime.
No, the name.
"Jeffrey eastin.
" Do you think you can give me a description of the guy you saw stealing this mail? He had a mullet, pointy nose, stupid shoes, muscle shirt, no muscles to speak of.
Isn't he precious? Mullet, pointy nose, everything.
It's all there, man.
That little dude is a born crimefighter.
Hey, you know, um, Hodges has been doing some work with the FBI on some fraud cases.
If I could sneak a look at his computer, I could run eastin's credit cards on his database.
What's a database? Don't worry about that.
Just, uhJust distract Hodges while I do this.
You know, cover me.
Oh, yeah.
That, I can do.
Hodges, my man, what's happenin'? I'm, uh On my lunch break? Lunch.
What is lunch For Detective Hodges? Tell me about it.
What's this about, Stark? What's it about? Nothing.
I'm just talking.
Just 'cause I don't respect you doesn't mean we can't be friends.
Tell me about your lunch.
It's a doublicious from kfc.
It's kind of a sweet, savory chicken sandwich.
Hm.
And I got a ginger ale from the swift mart, and I picked up some aspirin.
Are you happy? Let me see.
They named it right.
It's not single-licious.
Okay, now, come on.
Give me that.
This has been fun.
Has it? Okay.
Hey! Oh! Whoops! Sorry, Hodges.
Sorry about that.
Hm? Anything good? Yeah.
Very good.
Uh, turns out that this eastin guy hasn't just been buying watery beer.
He's been buying drugs online from overseas Amphetamines, Vicodin, uh, oxycontin.
I mean, it's big stuff stuff that landed him on the d.
E.
A.
Watctch list, which means we can get a warrant and bust this punk.
L right! Hey, come on, jacko.
The guy knocked over a kid's bike.
I think the time for being polite's over.
Eastin, open up, or we're comin' in! Got a runner! We got a runner! Aah! How's that for an open-field tackle? Let's see, here.
That does not look like Jeffrey eastin.
No.
My bad.
We apologize,? That you are obviously the victim of, uh, identity theft, credit-card fraud.
Yeah, and now I can add police brutality to that list.
Oh, give me a br "Police brutality"?! That was a love-tap, baby.
If you're so innocent, how come you were running? 'Cause I thought you were debt collectors! Whoever's doing this, they've run me up more than 10 grand.
Last week, some guys came by, threatened to rough me up if I didn't pay.
Did you call the police? Of course I did! They've been "looking into it" for about eight months.
You know the worst thing? I went online to cancel my credit cards, and this bastard changed all my passwords! Oh, my God, jacko.
It's happening.
We're becoming numbers.
The machines have taken over.
Okay, relax, Dan.
Relax.
I hear you.
Relax.
Uh, t-the statements, the credit-card statements, do you still have them? Oh, yeah.
Every month, I get a list of the great crap this low-life's buying with my money.
Well, whoever stole Jeffrey eastin's identity has charged $1,000 worth of pizza at this place in the past month.
$1,000? His arteries must be as clogged as a toilet at the state fair.
Man, we should have brought the kids here.
I don't think it's appropriate to bring the junior officers along on an actual investigation.
Come on, jacko.
They love fightin' crime and eatin' pizza.
Uh, excuse me, sir? Detective Bailey.
This is Detective Stark.
Dallas p.
D.
Have you seen a man who looks like this? He stole a bunch of credit cards andSpit on a bike.
Yeah, yeah, yeah We deliver a couple of pizzas to him damn nr every night.
He says the second one is for breakfast.
That's our man.
We got him dead to rights.
Yeah, unless cholesterogets him first.
Do you have a delivery address? Yeah, yeah, sure.
Let me check.
Think he's over at vista view apartments.
Yeah, here we go.
You know, for using someone else's credit card, he sure is a lousy tipper.
There's evil In this world.
Some people are just rotten to the core.
But I thank you for your service, citizen.
I appreciate it.
Come on, jacko.
First thing in the A.
M.
, we take this punk down.
Thanks.
These identities are fool-proof! My guy works for the government! I mean, all he has to do is, like, type a name onto a piece of paper, and bang! You exist.
It's, like, totally official.
And while he's getting you all your official papers, I do the fun stuff You know, your girly-mag subscriptions.
No, there's no need for all that.
Just the identities, please.
Yes, and you will get your 20,000 American dollars for each one.
Whatever floats your boat, amigo.
Just call me when you get over the border.
Everything is in place.
By this time tomorrow, we will be Americans Matt Clark and Phil hardage.
But I worry about the cartel.
You know they will stop at nothing when they find us gone.
Not if we kill our bodyguards before we leave.
That way, they will think that they took us also and killed us.
This is an excellent plan, Alfredo, yet alsoVery sad.
Don't think of it as the ending of their lives.
Think of it as the starting of ours, as Americans.
Okay, we're looking for apartment 204.
Will you put the What are you doing? Put your gun away.
Hey, last time I chased this punk, I practically pulled a hammy.
That's not happening again.
Yeah, well, last time, this punk Wasn't this punk.
You know what? Don't get technical.
This guy makes a run for it, I'm clipping him in his knees.
That's what he gets for being a crappy tipper.
This is it.
Hello?! Sir, will you open up the door?! We're with the Dallas police department! Oh, he just turns it up louder! I got a bad feeling about this, jacko! The only reason to turn the music up is to cover the sound of something Even louder! Hup! Yeah, he jumped! Damn it! Okay, I'm gonna call it in! Okay, you call it in! I'm gonna find a place to sit down! I'm still stiff from talking to those kids! Hey! Don't you think it'd be a good idea to turn the music down?! Oh.
Good call.
Oh.
Come on, darling, you don't need to do that to yourself.
This is amazing.
This guy vic's been collecting workers'- comp benefits under the name "barney rivers" for the past six months.
How you know his name's vic? I thought you said he was using a whole bunch of names.
Yeah, well, I just don't think that the break-up letters from three different ex-girlfriends would be written to the fake name.
Take a look at this.
The quality on these I.
D.
'S is the best I've ever seen.
Holy It's even got those little 3-d homo-ero UhUh, heliographic dillios on it.
Wow.
That's a good fake.
I don't think it's a fake.
Somehow he managed to get a real driver's license tied to a fictional identity, but y-you'd have to have a birth certificate in order to do that.
Now, this guy, he's warming up slices of pizza in a toaster.
I don't think he's smart enough to forge identity documents.
Yeah, anybody knows, when you heat up pizza in a toaster, you turn the toaster on the side.
Hey, I found something, too.
That's good, Dan.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Right there.
Check that out.
I know this place.
Uh, t-they're a-an industrial printing house.
They've got the contract for the city of Dallas to do all their high-end printing.
Well, you know a lot of things.
You're like a computer machine with just a touch of hair gel on top.
Yeah, thanks.
I didn't Mean that as a compliment.
Yeah.
I know.
Vic! What are you doing here?! First thing I'm gonna do is turn off this teacher music and put on something that doesn't suck.
That's more like it.
Cops showed up at my place! I'm gonna have to crash here for a while till it cools down! I thought you said we wouldn't get caught! Why were the cops looking for you? And how do you know they didn't follow you here? How are they gonna track me, man? I was like a ghost.
I was like an invisible ghost.
Now, what's to eat in this dump? Hold on.
Y- you know, uh, y- you staying here Maybe not the best idea? T- t-that's an aged gouda! What are you talking about? We're partners.
That's how it works.
You scratch my back, I eat your cheese.
Maybe sleep in your bed.
Now, come on.
Give me your car keys.
I got to get some booze.
Oh, geez.
You know what? Let me get some cash, too.
I had to ditch all my plastic.
Hey, now, what about the printing order? You're supposed to pick it up at 2:00.
No can do, Perrier.
You're gonna have to get it.
No! I have to work! You promised you would take care of it.
I don't have any more sick days, vic.
I mean, if I lose this job Yeah, that sounds like a "you" problem.
Can I at least get a ride to the printer? Huh.
You know I think that's gonna be a little tight, what with my schedule and such.
Here's an idea Be a lamb and cab it for me, okay, partner? Later.
Don't slam it! There you are.
What took you so long? What the hell? Am I supposed to walk in there and say, "excuse me, do you mind if I plant a listening device "in your printing establishment so I can overhear your illegal doings?" And then I I Got a burger.
Well, did you at least get me something? Well, of course I did.
No, thanks.
All right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Check it out.
Check out that dude.
He's walking pretty constipated for someone who's just gonna make copies, wouldn't you say? I don't know, Dan.
Maybe he is constipated.
No.
That's the "I'm about to do something bad" walk.
Something about that guy's not right.
Crimey.
Okay, DanThat man looks nothing like our suspect.
And we can't just go around arresting people who look "crimey.
" Our suspect just had his door kicked in by a couple of cops.
You don't think it's possible he might send someone else to do his dirty work? That's a good point.
That's all I'm saying.
- - Are you Roger? Sure am.
What can I do you for? I'm, uh, picking up a special order.
I'm with the records office.
I thought a fella named vic was supposed to pick it up.
What did I tell you? Crimey.
Shall we apprehend our constipated friend? After you.
Can I help you boys? We got a special on cardstock.
Where's the guy who was just here? Uh, guy? What guy? There's no guy in here.
We heard the whole thing, Roger! You want us to take you in or you want to tell us where he is? Perry! His name's Perry.
He went out the back door.
A cab was waiting for him in the back lot.
You said you did a search of the perimeter! I did something better.
Prairie dog, this is bloodhound.
Do you have eyes on the perp? I got him, sir! Suspect's in a taxi, headed across the freeway on Griffin.
Roger that! I can't believe you brght a kid on a stake-out.
Hey, I didn't bring him.
He rode his bike.
He just went down maple.
Is "down" west, or is "down" east? I don't know.
It's towards the mall, dude.
Okay, you see? This is what I mean.
You can't just left! Left! Towards the mall! Oh! You see that? We got him.
What do you say? Thanks, Teddy.
Hey, you think you can get a clear shot off here? I- I'm not gonna shoot a taxi, all right? We'll just see where it goes, and we'll get him when he gets out.
Good point.
Teacher moment.
Prairie dog, this is hound dog.
Do you copy? Yeah.
Never shoot a defenseless taxi.
Roger that, bloodhound.
Okay.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
We don't know what's going on in that house, all right? We need to call in for backup.
Backup? It's a pudgy guy with glasses.
What the hell we need backup for? Oh, so, you can call in an 11-year-old to help us with a stake-out, but as soon as I call in the grown-ups for backup, I'm the bad guy, okay.
What is it with you? You have had it in for these junior officers ever since we took them under our wing.
I don't have it out for the junior officers.
Why do you hate kids? I don't hate kids.
We're gonna sit in this car until you tell me why you hate kids.
What'd you bring me? What have you done? You've only been here a couple of hours! What are you talking about? I'm just making our house feel lived-in.
Our house? What is this? It's the birth certificates I said I was gonna get.
Where's the rest of it? The passports and social-security cards and crap.
Well, those are federal documents.
I can't get those things.
I never said that I could.
You trying to cheat me, boy? W- what? No.
I- I-I-I-I just don't I- I don't have access to the to the You don't have access? Huh.
Well, you better listen up.
You figure out how to get access to that stuff, or this is how I'm gonna access your brain Through your stupid face! No.
Aah! No! Okay, hey, look.
We are not having this conversation, Dan, all right? I don't hate kids.
Yeah, I want to believe that, but when I see the way you keep little Teddy at at arm's length, i just I don't I don't know.
Now get out of my sight! And don't come back until you got my papers! I- I-I don't hate kids.
I just don't like them very much.
Can we go now? That breaks my heart.
All right.
Thank you.
Help! Help! Help! Call the cops! Uh, w-we are the cops.
Oh, thank God! You mind if I get in your car? Uh, no, no.
Not at all.
In fact, we were just coming to arrest you, so, yeah, hop in.
Oh, for the, uh Uh, yeah, yeah.
Well, thank God you're here.
Seriously, I'vbeen doing this a long time.
I- I-I've never seen this before.
I'm really in over my head.
This guy vic H- he's completely lost it! Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.
How do you know vic? Look, just get me to the station I'll tell you everything.
Well, this is different.
Enough about the train sets and the messy refrigerators.
We get it.
Vic's a bad roommate.
Now's the time you tell us about your operation.
Hurry up, fudgey! OrMaybe we could go back to the house, pick up vic, bring him back here, and throw you two in a nice, tiny, little jail cell.
No, no, no, no! I'll talk.
I just I can't lose my job.
We'll worry about that later.
Right now I want to know how you got connected with vic.
I work at the county records office.
It's probably The worst job in the world.
I'm pretty sure that the walls of my cubicle are made of asbestos.
And I'm about five feet from the men's crapper, which means that all day long, in and out, guys with the folded sports page We get it.
Now, I-I'd quit, but I can't.
I got bills, you know? Then this guy vic came in and tried to apply for retirement benefits.
That's pretty bold for a 38-year-old male.
Exactly.
A- a-and I was just about to blow the whistle on him, when hePlaced $500 on my desk.
You bribey bastard.
"Bribey"? He sometimes adds "y"s to the end of words.
Don't let it throw you.
Continue.
I thought it was gonna be just a-a one-time deal.
Then, six months later, he came back.
And let me guess You were strapped for cash? It was my wife.
She'd just left me.
Said that I wasn't sexually satisfying her.
Yeah, never mind that she left me for another civil servant who had the same glandular disorder I have! A coincidence? I don't think so.
Now they're tromping around with half my money.
We get it.
Now get back to the part about vic.
He offered me 10 grand to forge some identities for him and two foreigners.
What kind of foreigners? Swedish chicks? No Mexican.
Chicks? Men.
Look, Perry, this is a very serious crime, okay? Now, we need to know everything we can about these guys.
All I know is They're on their way here Right now.
We have arrived, tico.
We are in the promised land.
Can you smell that? Smells like chickens.
Por nada.
Why did you pay him before you shot him, Alfredo? I wanted him to be happy when he died.
You are very thoughtful, Alfredo.
I am no longer Alfredo.
We have to get our new identities, build our empire, crush any rival that challenges.
Soon, we will be known and feared as Matt and Phil Lords of the drug trade.
So, you know where this guy is.
Why haven't you arrested this vic? Lieutenant, $20,000 is a lot of money.
Now, you don't spend that kind of cash on an illegal identity unless you're up to no good.
Now, I don't know about you, but I'm wondering what kind of "no good" these foreign clients are up to.
Okay, just so I'm clear All I asked you to do this week was work with junior officers, and now you're asking me to authorize a sting operation.
I don't think so.
Oh, come on, Ana.
We can do both.
W- we'll just bring the kids along.
No.
Dan is joking.
Right, Dan? Oh, yeah, of cour no, we're not gonna bring the kids.
I mean, Jack doesn't even like kids.
That's not true.
Look everything is already set up.
We got our guy on the inside.
The d.
A.
'S office is ready to sign off on it.
We just need you to authorize it so we can pull the trigger.
And your guy on the inside He's trustworthy? Oh, please, Ana.
Solid.
Solid as a rock.
Where are all my bagel dogs? I- I-I just bought a family pack of bagel dogs from costco.
They were supposed to last me for a month.
What is with you, man? Will you stop complaining? God! This is y always hated having roommates.
Do I complain when you don't do the dishes or my laundry? No, but "No, but" nothin'.
Just tell me about these extra guys you want to bring in.
They're just like me.
They're like me.
Only t-they're federal, see? And w-whatever we want, they can get us.
Great.
More paper-pushers.
Sounds like a party.
I don't understand why you can't do this yourself.
I mean, this is what I bought you for.
Just trust me, vic.
The paperwork f-for foreigners is a lot more complicated A lot more complicated.
And they can give us whatever we want.
What do you say? Just meet them.
Fine.
But we're going somewhere where I can get nachos.
So, you guys work in some butt-stinkin' cubicle all day, like Perry here? Man, I swear to God, I think I'd shoot my face off.
Oh, God.
Tell me about it.
Oh, it's it's hell on earth.
It's trying.
So, I still don't understand how come I need so damn many of you paper-pushers.
This isn't identity theft anymore, vic.
This is identity creation.
And none of these "citizens" have a past No report cards, medical documents, tax histories, past employers.
We provide that.
Yeah.
I don't get it.
We really need these guys, vic.
UhI'll pay for them out of my cut.
Whatever.
Let's just do this thing.
Fantastic.
And who knows? If you fellas work out good, maybe we do it again sometime for some real coin.
Great.
And next time, uh, can we get Swedish chicks instead of Mexican dudes? After we get our names, maybe we can see the town.
I've always wanted to see where president jfk was assassinated.
I never believed the lone-gunman theory.
Uh, perhaps on Saturday would be better.
We're going to be busy disposing of the bodies.
Bodies? The hombres who sell us the papers.
We cannot leave them alive.
What if the cartel finds them? Of course.
I don't know what I was thinking.
No matter.
New city You were very excited.
I was excited.
But with the killing and disposing and cleaning, we're going to be very busy.
SoWe are ending their lives to start our lives again? No.
No, we are just killing them.
It makes it simpler.
Alright, kiddos, listen up! The d.
P.
D.
Junior academy is very fortunate to have a guest speaker today A special friend of mine, name of Perry.
He's gonna tell all you shorties about the horrors of leading a life of crime.
Have at it.
W- w-well, kids, uh, I've made a-a few mistakes in my life.
Get straight to the horrors.
Nobody cares.
Everybody makes mistakes.
Not everybody's a criminal.
All right.
Okay.
Well, when you lead a life of crime, it it's easy to fall in, uh, with the wrong people.
A- a-and you're starving because somebody ate all your bagel dogs, and then you wake up one morning and there's a guy peeing in your sink.
I swear to you Uh, okay.
So, kids, as you can see, crime is bad.
What did you do? I falsified 1099 forms and aided in the forgery of illegal identification documents.
He stole mail from old people.
You make me sick! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Nice talk, per.
Good talk.
Hey, Teddy.
Everything all right? Yeah.
Are you sure? When you get to be a cop Can you arrest the people who were mean to you in the sixth grade? No.
No, Teddy.
You can't.
Unless they turn into criminal low-lifes, which they probably will You know, you're a good guy, Detective Jack.
Really? Yeah.
Hm.
Kids usually don't like me.
Never have, even when I was a kid.
Yeah, I get it.
My problem was, I knew I wanted to be a cop when I was 8 years old.
That didn't go over too well in the third grade.
Or any gra, for that matter, especially High School.
Look, you're gonna hear words "narc" and "snitch.
" Don't pay attention to those people, okay? But you know what? I'm a grown-up now, and I'm living my dream.
So I guess the joke's on them, right, Teddy? Yeah.
I guess.
Tell me again why I can't be wearing my piece.
I hate not wearing my piece.
I feel naked without my piece.
Because we're supposed to be civil servants, Dan.
We're supposed to be guys from an office who process files, all right? If the Mexicans frisk you and you're holding a weapon, it's gonna look kind of weird.
Geez, this cover's depressin'.
Hi.
You guys got the real goods? Yep, right here.
I knew I liked you guys.
S- s-so, hoare we gonna handle this? Uh, I thought maybe w- we introduce ourselves and I hand out some gum or something.
It's real simple I do all the talkin', you do all the shuttin' up.
Promise me this is gonna work.
It will work, okay? Now we just need to find out who these guys are and what they're up to.
You just need to try and relax.
You don't understand.
I got to get vic out of my life now.
I did not sign up to be a roommate.
Per, you have my word Anything goes south, y- you can always stay with Jack for a couple nights.
No, he can't.
Why not? Now, here are your social-security cards, which are 100% authentic.
All right.
So we're done here.
Time to get paid.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Not yet.
Perry needs to take their fingerprints, and then we'll be set.
Perry? I- I just need y-your thumb and y-your forefinger.
It's a nice place you got here.
Who's your realtor? Oh, this is just a vacation rental.
We're moving to a mansion further back from the street, with marble pillars and enough space in back for a live alligator.
Yeah.
That should be fine.
I, um I-I-I just have one last question.
And, uh, there's no chance that your, uh, fingerprints might show up on, I don't know, say, a federalDatabase? Why do you ask that? Uh JustDue diligence, really.
Fingerprints are the one thing that we can't fake, so if yours are on file anywhere, we need to know and know why.
I mean, we can make arrangements, of course, and very discre You ask too many questions.
I don't like too many questions.
Phil, you are making way too much of this.
Señores, forgive my associate.
The fact is, it's possible that our fingerprints are on file.
We're in the drug trade.
We deal drugs.
Cocaine, mostly, but we do dabble in others.
Ecstasy.
That's no problem at all.
Now, uh, all we got to do I got a bad feeling about this.
Is get you set up with some new handprints, I mean, we just got 'em.
Lickety split, and we're good to go.
He was awfully forthcoming with all of that information.
I- I-I don't know.
It just feels like he's gonna That! Aah! Aah! Aah! They shot vic! Hurry up! What's it gonna be Bonnie and Clyde, Thelma and Louise, butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid?! What?! They all died! You got that right.
Oh, God! There's a pool! Not a good call! Not a good call! Good call! I get you they're gonna have a real hard time, getting their security deposit back! Move! Move! Move! Aah! Aah! My car! The hell with your car! They just shot my ear! Ears grow back! That window was factory-original! Son of a bitch! Blood! Okay, Dan, you know how I'm always wanting to call in for backup? Yeah, I think I'm gonna do that now.
I got it covered.
What do you mean, you got it covered? There's the bad guys' car.
Okay, people.
Move! Move! Move! Hang on, jacko! How'd you do that? I didn't do it.
The junior officers did.
That was actually kind of awesome.
It was just kind of a "in case" sort of deal.
Police! Freeze, muchacho! All right! Nice and easy.
All right.
Give me your paws back here.
Yeah, we're gonna have to get those j.
O.
'S some root beers, celebrate.
Am I no longer Phil hardage? This is the downside of the American dream, tico Law enforcement.
How you doin'? How you think I'm doin'? I'm covered in glass, I'm missing half my ear, and my house is a Hazmat site.
That's what you get for turnin' to a life of crime.
Well, gentlemen, two major figures in the Mexican drug cartel are going down for attempted murder and identity fraud, not to mention vic and Perry, who are also on hold for identity theft and forgery.
I got to admit This was a nice one.
Well, you're welcome, lieu.
We're just doing our job.
I said, "was a nice one.
" This little matter of yours, of using grade-schoolers as a part of your sting operation Yeah, the d.
A.
Wasn't a fan of that.
I know nothing about the incident to which you refer.
Exactly, Dan.
In order to save ourselves the embarrassment of subpoenaing 10-year-olds to testify in a major drug trial, the d.
A.
Has decided to turn this case over to the Mexican government.
Oh, so they're going to prison, but in Mexico? Sí, señor.
And as far as the Dallas p.
D.
Is concerned, we know nothing of this incident.
Fine.
But those junior officers still get their trophies.
Hey.
You okay? Fantastic.
Yeah, it's not every day you find out that the biggest bust of your career officially never happened and you've wasted a week of your life in the process.
That's one way of looking at it.
What does that mean? Well, after we sorted that mess out, I got to sit down with the junior officers.
They told you everything, didn't they? Oh, yes.
Yes, they did.
And guess what.
Every single one of them wants to be a cop.
Wow.
Well, I guess ruiz was right.
Detective Dan has a way with children.
Mm, no.
One of them in particular said Detective Jack had a lot to do with it.
Really? Hm.
How 'bout that.
Guess you're not so bad with the kids, after all.
Tell the truth you've never been more attracted to him in your life.
I'll catch you later, Jack.
How do you do that Just show up out of nowhere? It's a gift.
I can smell lust.