The Looney Tunes Show s01e12 Episode Script

[Beep.]
[Ding.]
[Ding ding ding.]
[Dinging.]
- Can I help you? - Daffy Duck, picking up my business cards.
- How's the wizard business going? - Great.
Lots of magic, spells, things like that.
-[Computer beeping.]
- That'll be 215.
25.
- That seems awfully high.
Price reduce, reduce! [Grunting.]
[Gum blowing.]
[Pop.]
- [Crickets chirping.]
Season 1 Episode 12 "Double Dates" Original air date: July 19, 2011 on Cartoon Network USA - Oh, don't forget to leave a business card in the bowl.
You could win a romantic evening for two.
- [Giggles.]
- Right this way.
[Card dropping.]
- We'd like a table for two.
- Great.
I'd like a pair of solid gold pants, but I'm not bugging you about it.
[Birds chirping.]
[Telephone rings.]
[Ring.]
- [Ring.]
- Phone! - Kinda got my hands full.
- So do I.
- Whoa! [Ring.]
[Ring.]
Ooh! Ahh! - [Thud.]
- [Bottle thudding.]
[Ring.]
- I guess I have to do everything around here.
[Beep.]
- Go.
- [Indistinct.]
A romantic evening for two? Seven course meal? Dancing? [Chuckles.]
A limousine?! I can't believe my luck! [Gasps.]
How's the wizard business? Great! Lots of magic, spells, you know, things like that.
See ya Friday night.
What are you doing Friday night? - Nothing.
- Well, you are now.
Friday night, we're gonna get dressed to the nines, get picked up in a limo, and have a fabulous romantic dinner.
- Daffy, what you just described is a date.
I'm not going on a date with you.
- Oh, you're right.
I didn't think of it that way.
[Dialing.]
Hey, Porky.
Want to go on a romantic date Friday night? - [Stammering.]
I'd love to! - No, you idiot! Ask a woman! - I'm so excited.
I'm so glad you called.
I've got - [Beep.]
- Ask a woman? But I have horrible luck with women! [Music playing.]
Hmm.
The lobster looks good.
We'll split a salad, and keep the bread coming.
- Do you think I'm pretty? - No woman should be judged on her looks.
But if I had to, I'd say you're about a 4 1/2.
- I'm having a really nice time.
- You have a little something on your face.
[Rubbing.]
Ooh, wait.
That's a part of your face.
I just can't figure women out.
- Well, maybe you need to talk to one and get a woman's perspective.
- That's a great idea! How about your girlfriend Lola? - Lola is not my girlfriend.
And she's crazy.
- All women are crazy.
Call her for me.
Hook it up.
- No.
I don't want to call her.
- Come on, hook it up.
- I'm not hooking it up.
And who says hook it up? - I do.
I say hook it up.
Hook it up.
Please.
It's one quick phone call.
I'm begging you.
Hook.
It.
Up.
[Grab.]
[Dialing.]
[Cell phone rings.]
[Beep.]
- Hi, Bugs.
- How'd you know it was me? - Oh, I answer every call like this.
Just in case it's you.
Sorry! - No, it's OK.
It's just a weird way to answer the-- - No, no, I wasn't talking to you.
I almost hit an oil truck.
- Oh.
Well, maybe I'll call you at a better time.
- This is a better time.
This is a perfect time.
Are you kidding? This is a perfect, better time.
Whoa! Go on.
- Well, my friend Daffy needs some dating advice, and I thought maybe you could talk to him.
- Are you serious ?! - Well, if you'd grather nine - No, not you.
I'm sorry, I almost hit another oil truck.
Driving is hard.
So you want me to help Daffy? - Yes.
- Would that be a nice thing for me to do? - Yes.
- And you like nice people? - Yes.
- So if I help Daffy, you'll like me? - Uh, I guess.
- Then I'll do it! - Great, thanks.
- Uh-oh.
- What? You won't do it? - No, that time I did hit an oil truck.
I have to go.
Bye! [Explosion.]
Before you can have a successful date, you need to understand women.
So I've written you a script filled with things that every woman will want to hear on a date.
If you say these things, I guarantee that any woman will immediately fall in love with you.
- Really? - Just say those words.
- "You are a beautiful, beautiful woman.
You are the epitome of grace, style and femininity.
You're my best friend.
" This stuff is pretty good.
- Told you! - "You're my best friend.
In fact, you're the only friend I need.
Here's a good idea Let's get rid of all of our other friends and only be friends with each other.
Also, we should cut off family members that don't support our relationship.
Also, we should have jobs where we work together.
Because if there's one thing I know, it's that if we drop all of our friends, cut off our families and work together, we are guaranteed to have a perfect relationship.
" This really works on women? - Are you OK? - I'm fine.
I just, I never noticed how handsome you were.
- Oh, thanks.
- You have a really big beak.
- Thank you very much.
- So Have you given any thought of who you want to invite on your romantic date? - I have, actually.
- Anyone I know? - Could be.
You know that girl Tina from the Copy Place? Her beak's even bigger than mine.
Well, thanks for the help.
- Call me sometime! - [Laughs.]
Good one! [Laughs.]
[Horns honking.]
- [Clearing throat.]
- Yeah? - Hi.
Uh, I'm not sure if you remember me - You're the wizard, right? - You do remember me! - How could I forget? Your check bounced.
- What?! I'm gonna have to have a serious talk with my financial advisor.
This should take care of it.
So, uh, Tina.
I was wondering if, by any chance you're not doing anything tonight, which you probably are because you're not ugly, but if for some reason, you're not, would you maybe, possibly, no pressure if you can't, just wondering, you know, would you like to go out with me? Maybe.
- Yeah, love to.
- Well, you can't blame a guy for trying.
- I said I'd love to go out with you.
- Really? - Yeah! It will be fun.
- Great! I'll pick you up at 8:00.
Don't use that money.
You'll get arrested.
Gotta smell nice for my date.
Maybe another little dab.
Safety dab.
- Hello, Daffy.
- Ooh! Lola! What are you doing here? - Did you ask that girl out? - Yeah, I did.
- So you're gonna go out with her? What do you know about this girl? She could be trouble.
She could be dangerous.
You know that? Not every girl stable as me.
[Can crushing.]
- No, Tina's great.
- Her name's Tina? That's not even a real name.
It's a made up name like Ballswick or Kathlarg.
- I think Tina's a real name.
- Oh, she has you so duped.
- I think you should leave.
- Fine.
But you are making a huge mistake.
Tina's crazy! She's a crazy person.
She's a crazy, fake-named person who's probably a stalker! [Gasps.]
I'm just gonna leave this ladder here for later.
I can't lose him.
I've got to stop that date.
[Car approach.]
And I know just how I'm going to do it.
Is it weird to talk to myself? No, it's not weird.
Think I need a haircut? I don't know.
You could grow out your bangs.
Ooh, that's a good idea.
- Hey, Lola.
- Oh, hi, Bugs.
- How'd your talk with Daffy go? - Great! Really great.
Super great.
It could not have been greater.
- Wow! Well, thanks again for doing that.
I'll make it up to you sometimes - How about tonight? Dinner? - Oh, uh, I don't know.
- You gotta eat.
- Ehh - Come on, one dinner? No big deal.
Nothing fancy.
- OK.
- Great.
I know just the restaurant.
Very casual.
Very laid back.
- This is casual and laid back? - Who said anything about casual and laid back? - Uh, you did.
Oh-oh! Right.
I meant to say fancy and uptight.
Sometimes I get my words mixed up.
Like I'll say "bubbles" when I really mean "pick-up truck" or "jelly" when I really mean, um, like a boat.
- [Door open.]
- [Gasp.]
[Laughing.]
[Kissing.]
[Both laughing.]
[Kissing.]
[Smooch.]
- What was that for? - Sometimes I kiss people when I really mean to walk to my table.
- Oh, Mac? - Yes, chum? - Could you please pass me the cream for my cup of tea? - I would be delighted.
- Well, thank you! - Not at all.
Thank you for your thank you.
- Oh, well, you're welcome for my thank you.
- Well, thank you again.
[Laughter.]
- Be polite, always be nice Make sugar your favorite spice - My aunt sent me a birthday card I was so completely charmed I seized the chance, I could not pass it I sent her a muffin basket - I was at the bank today, the teller sent a smile my way She did it with such great panache I gave the teller all my cash - Be polite, always be nice Make sure your favorite spice [Whack.]
When helping grammy cross the street Take the time to massage her feet - Be, B-E, P-O-L-I-T-E.
Be, B-E, P-O-L-I-T-E.
Say please and thank you.
When you hear a sneeze, say bless you.
Open doors and pull out chairs.
Don't push people down the stairs.
- We were dining Thursday night The waiter set our plates just right We were so very impressed, we knitted him a sweater vest - When our car ran out of gas, the tow truck driver got there fast He filled our tank with no delay We took him to a Broadway play - Be polite, always be nice Make sugar your favorite spice If someone shoots you with a laser beam Remember that it would be rude to scream - Be polite.
Or I'll vaporize you.
[Bang.]
[Buzzing.]
- Nice place.
- Yeah, uh-huh, can you just schooch a little bit that way? Thanks, yeah.
I just like to be able to see all the exists in case of an emergency.
[Chair scraping.]
- Hmm.
Aged beef.
Where did they get that from? A retirement community for cows? Heh heh! Uh, Lola? - Huh? Oh, yeah.
Oh, I totally agree.
With whatever you just said.
- Check it out, cloth napkins! Nice, right? - "You are a beautiful, beautiful woman.
You are the epitome of grace, style and femininity.
You're my best friend.
" - I'm your best friend? We just met.
- Oh, uh, hold on.
"When I'm with you, every day is Valentine's day.
Except for the real Valentine's day, which we will now call super Valentine's day.
" - Are you reading something? - No, I mean - "What all women want to hear" What woman wants to hear stuff like this? - Lola Lola.
- Hmm? - I was just asking if you want to split an appetizer.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
Whatever you want, Daffy.
- It's Bugs.
- Huh? - I'm Bugs.
- So what do you want, a medal? - You're a grown-up.
You don't need a script.
Let's just get to know each other.
Tell me about yourself.
- Ok.
Uh, well.
What do you want to know? I'm rich, very rich.
But a do-gooder.
I help poor people.
Orphans.
Whales.
You know, that's - Look, if you're not going to tell me about yourself, let me take a shot.
You're an insecure little weirdo who lies about everything and probably cries himself to sleep every night.
- Wow, you're good.
Well, I guess this date's over.
- Hey! Get back here.
Relax.
It's not over.
- But you said all those horrible, true things about me! - You're like an abandoned building that ought to be condemned.
You know, busted windows, rats running around, a real nasty sewage situation.
But maybe if the right person got a hold of it and cleaned it up, maybe they could take that disgusting building and turn it into something not so disgusting.
- Are you that person? - Lucky for you, I like a project.
- And am I that disgusting building? - Yeah! - That is the nicest thing that anyone has ever said about me! - A la cart? I guess.
I mean, if you'll a cart, too.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, come on.
Give me something.
- Oh, I don't like this.
- I can take a hint.
If you'll excuse me.
What is happening? She kisses me, then ignores me? I mean, a retirement community for cows? That was funny! All right, pull yourself together.
Date's not over.
We haven't even ordered yet.
Wait till dessert.
I've got great dessert material.
Chocolate moose? They'll dip anything in chocolate these days.
Ohh.
The point is, date's not over.
[Laughter.]
[Laughing, snorting.]
[Continue snorting.]
- Ha! You sound like a pig! [Both laugh.]
[Snort.]
[Laugh.]
- Ahem.
Good evening.
My name's Kathlarg.
I'll be your server.
- Lola! I didn't know you worked here.
- Yep.
Worked here my whole life, since the day I was born.
Can I get you anything? - Uh, someone already took our order.
- [Whistles.]
Wow.
- [Upbeat music playing.]
- Ooh, that's my jam.
- Wanna dance? - Hook it up! [Thud.]
- So, Lola, uh You know I invented the carrot peeler.
Too brave.
Seen any good movies lately? Oof, too boring.
You have beautiful ears.
Perfect.
- Ooh, yeah, yeah, ooh Who's that girl with the red dress on? Who's that girl? She's a crazy one Not all girls are what they seem And there can only be one girl of his dreams Who's that girl with the made up name? I said, who's that girl with the made up name? I said, lose that girl with the made up name And get with the girl who cared enough about you to break into your bedroom [Grab.]
- What are you doing? - I'm trying to win my boyfriend back.
I said, lose that girl [Grab.]
- What boyfriend? [Grab.]
- Daffy.
[Grab.]
- Daffy's not your boyfriend.
I'm your boyfriend! [Grab.]
Say that again? - Mm-mm.
- That's OK - I have it right here.
- "I'm your boyfriend.
" - Oh, boy.
[Rewind.]
"I'm your boyfriend, [Rewind.]
I'm your boyfriend.
" [Rewind.]
- Bugs, what are you doing here? - We're on a date.
He's my boyfriend.
I'm his girlfriend.
We're boyfriend-girlfriend.
- I thought you were our waitress.
- [Whistles.]
Wow.
She's a keeper.
You know what we should do some time? Double date! How about tomorrow night? You guys like Thai? - Yeah, I love it! [All talking at once.]
Whoo! - What just happened? Beep beep! [Whoosh.]
[Light balls blink.]
[Dramatic music playing.]
Beep beep! [Thud.]
Beep beep! [Whoosh.]
[Thud.]
Beep beep! [Whoosh.]
[Spits.]
Beep beep! [Laughter.]
- At the best date I've ever had with a wizard.
- There's something I should tell you.
I'm not really a wizard.
[Laughter.]
- Finally! I was worried you weren't gonna show up.
- What are you talking about? - I thought we had a dinner tonight.
- Ohh.
I think I might eaten your dinner, Porky.
- How do you know my name? - I don't.
That was more an observation.
- Are those for me? [Grab.]
[Limo music playing.]
[Laughter.]
[Distant laughter.]
- I got to get a girlfriend.