The Mayor (2017) s01e12 Episode Script
The Pitch
1 [CHEERING.]
JERMAINE: Let's loosen these bad boys up.
If you feel a rip or tear, that means it's working.
- Okay.
Guys, can you believe it? - What? Courtney Rose back at Fort Grey High to throw out the ceremonial first pitch.
Today is the day I become mayor.
You said that when you judged the Kiwanis Club Hot Dog Eating Contest.
And when he judges the Galleria Mall's Bikini Contest, he'll say it again.
He's judging that? Whoo! There's nothing a mom loves more - than cheering for her son.
- Mm-hmm.
Sometimes you gotta let the world know.
Whoo! I made that! I'm the mayor's mom! [LAUGHS.]
What are you doing? Uh, well, hello, there, tiny miss.
I am just enjoying a hot dog.
Why? Well, because I got hungry, you know.
I got the grumbles.
Why? Well, it's a combination of biology and, let's be honest, psychology.
Emotion drives a lot of my eating decisions.
Why? Okay, let's get into this.
Um - I'm sorry.
Is she bothering you? - Bothering me? No, this is the most engaging conversation I've had all day.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, here to throw out the first pitch, please welcome Fort Grey's very own Mayor Courtney Rose! I'm glad we're not the Running Apaches anymore, but the Fighting Almonds? Ha ha! Yeah! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Courtney! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Ahh! That's my baby! [GRUNTS.]
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey, that is enough, Fighting Almond! You make a lousy butter.
Sure would hate to be his mama! [LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
That guy might think about giving up on golf and taking up ice fishing.
All right, "Not Top Ten" number one comes out of Fort Grey, California, where that city's mayor, a guy named Courtney Rose, threw out the first pitch.
Or at least that was the plan.
[GRUNTS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Ugh! Can we get someone more coordinated? Bring the golf guy back! I can't believe they are still playing this.
And they added a squeal? Nah, bro, the squeal is real.
I remember it startling me.
Look, bro, it is not my fault I'm an inexperienced thrower, okay? No one ever taught me.
- Excuse me? - Huh? Ow! Ma! God, I thought you was coming here to make me feel better.
And she can throw?! Total package.
"Nobody taught me," my ass! I tried plenty of times.
"Hi, I'm Courtney, and I'd rather rhyme my words and match my hat to my shoes than learn how to be a thrower.
" And it's called a pitcher, by the way.
All right, let me try one.
"Hi, I'm Courtney Rose, and and I don't look very happy right now.
" I-Is this whiff gonna be a problem? I mean, outside of the Overwhelming shame you feel? Yeah, man.
This is like your "Dukakis and the tank," your "Gerald Ford tumbling down the stairs," your Um, when did you become a big history reader? I'm voracious, baby.
- Anyway, my point is - Ew.
you have joined the pantheon of weak-ass leaders.
Okay, moving on.
We have a very big issue to discuss.
- Your Bumble profile.
- Oh, yeah.
Man, I'm so glad you brought this up.
I'm I'm not on Bumble.
Then who the hell I been messaging? Anyways, Big D's Pizza Express wants to open their West Coast headquarters - right here in Fort Grey.
- Oh, wow.
When you start bringing in hella jobs, do you think anyone is gonna remember that throwing arm of yours? - Yes! - Hmm? Oh, sorry.
I just got assigned a Little Buddy.
Oh! You're doing the Big Buddy Little Buddy program? Well, talking to that kid at the game, I started to kind of get the dad feels, you know? But am I really cut out for it? Do I, T.
K.
Clifton, have what it takes to raise a human? As a Big Buddy, I can practice with a rental kid, like a loaner you can bang up a little bit.
Yeah, man, I'm the same way with my shoes.
I got to spend at least a month in my wing tips - to see if I can commit.
- And who knows? Maybe I can teach my kid how to pitch.
Save him Courtney's shame.
Val is right, okay? We need to focus on landing Big D's.
Okay, tomorrow, everyone bring in your best pitch.
Ohh! I don't know if that pun was intended, but it's appreciated.
- Thank you.
- That's the kind of whimsy that will really turn around your Bumble profile.
I'm gonna go.
COURTNEY: Big D's Pizza Express.
We're meeting with the CEO, Don Viola.
How do we lure his business to Fort Grey? T.
K.
, what do you got? Nothing.
I was busy prepping for my Little Buddy.
What? [QUIETLY.]
If you had kids, you'd understand.
J [SIGHS.]
Allow me.
There have only been two iconic styles of pizza New York, Chicago until now.
Introducing Fort Grey's revolutionary take on pizza Pizza.
Pot.
Pie.
Oh, like a calzone? No, no, that's been done already, bro.
You know what? I don't think you guys are getting it.
Let me Okay, I did some actual research on Don.
The guy has five businesses.
- He played pro ball, been married twice - Whoa, wait, wait.
What pro ball did he play? Tennis? Foos? Oh, God, tell me it's not Base.
It's base.
- Oh, no.
- [SIGHS.]
Wh You didn't tell us the boss is meeting with a baseball player.
Why do we even have an after-hours phone tree? It's not that big of a deal.
Val, Courtney very publicly failed at this man's passion.
It was the height of humiliation.
Don's not gonna want to go for that.
Yeah, he's gonna have a field day with me.
Look, Courtney, no one cares if you can throw a pitch.
He's just here to make a deal.
All you have to do is show him that you are the perfect partner.
Okay, yeah.
All right.
Yeah, I ca I can do that.
Can you, though? Because you said that last time when they asked you to pitch.
Ooh.
Nah, you got it.
Welcome to City Hall, little man the place where the magic happens.
I know it can be a little overwhelming, but I'll be by your side the whole time.
So, what do you want to see first? This building's wack.
I've been to the White House.
Welcome to City Hall, little man the place where magic happens.
Now, I know it can be a little overwhelming, but I'll be right here by your side.
So, what do you want to see first? Wow.
City Hall's so fancy and big! You are so much better than that other kid, I tell you.
Who has two thumbs and loves a tax break? - This guy! - [LAUGHTER.]
Tired of waiting for that building permit? Welcome to the front of the line.
Sorry, Owen's Dry Bar.
So, what do you say? Hmm? I think we will make a really strong team.
ALL: Mm-hmm.
Maybe.
As long as you're not the pitcher.
[LAUGHTER.]
So, y-you saw the pitch.
Actually, my niece sent me the clip.
It's going around her school.
Well, we didn't come all this way to talk about Courtney's pitch.
It's not really a pitch, was it? I mean, I don't know what the word is for it.
I guess it's a, uh Like Like, a bloop? That works.
Look, Don, man, I-I-I was never a-a big sports guy, okay? I was, uh, more of a song-and-dance man, if you will.
And when you're rocking it on the mic like I was, you ain't got time to be throwing around balls like some meathead jock.
[LAUGHS.]
So I'm a meathead jock? So, if we could just actually turn to page three It's okay.
I'd like to hear from the melody maker more about how I'm a meathead jock.
- Don, I'm sure he was - Travis! Let him talk! Sorry.
Roid rage.
Go on.
What What I was saying was that is that that meatheads not that [CHUCKLING.]
you're a meathead - Meat lover.
- Yeah, I love athletes! Oh, my gosh, the running and the jumping all of it, really.
Any idiot off the street can make music.
- Even Shaq made a rap album.
- Shaq did.
He did.
Not that Shaq is an idiot.
Wow.
You know what, man? I was just messing with you.
VAL: Ah.
You know, I break your balls, you break mine.
- But then you What's the word? - Blooped.
Yeah, you blooped.
You know, that pitch was embarrassing, but this level of spinelessness it speaks volumes, you know? How do I know that you're not gonna crumble when Little Caesars comes in here and bullies you into a sweeter deal than mine? I got to run.
I got a thing.
VAL: Oh, well, um, we we can just take a couple minutes - to just go over our plan.
- Thanks, guys.
Thank you so much.
Hey, Don, it's really good.
It's very det I don't think he has a thing.
I think he just wanted this to end.
You know, 'cause he doesn't see you - as a strong enough, viable partner.
- Thank you, T.
K.
Come on.
Come on.
Ring! Ring! Damn it! Is Don really gonna let this deal fall through? [SIGHS.]
Val, Val, Val.
You did it again.
You told my boy not to worry about his pathetic pitch, when, clearly, that's all a baseball-pizza-man would care about.
Don literally said that he didn't care.
What he didn't like was how Courtney crumbled like a forgive my words spineless wussy.
I hate when you go blue.
Look, Courtney, this wasn't a thing until you made it a thing.
Yeah.
I mean, your physical weakness is one thing, but you revealed your inner weakness.
And the trouble with the inner weakness is that you can't fix it.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- Okay, this is bad.
I-I just got word from a contact.
Don is meeting the city of Modesto.
We have competition.
Conference room.
Now! Oh, hey, I'm on snack detail for Tyson's basketball game.
Do you think the kids would like pizza pot pie? Do I think kids would enjoy pizza topped with mashed potatoes and peas? Oh.
That's what it is? All right, look, you need to project strength to Don.
All right, my advice, although it may be controversial have sex with his wife.
- Oh, no.
- Ugh.
You want to prove to him that you're strong? Forgive someone who's wronged you with your whole heart.
- No.
- I don't know, bro.
She's pretty gorge.
She looks like one of those women playing tennis in the herpes commercial.
Courtney, Don messed with you and revealed an insecurity.
Just show him you have a sense of humor and you can laugh at yourself.
You know what? She's right.
It's like when Hugh Grant got caught with that prosty, went on Leno, laughed about it, next thing you know, he's just a boy standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him.
That girl's name? Julia frickin' Roberts.
Hey, I got a basketball game coming up.
You could embarrass yourself there.
Yes! I can let those cute, little stinkers dunk on me, show off my winning sense of humor, and, boom me and Don are back in biz.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- T.
K.
: Dina Rose.
Aw, hey, there, little cutie! Ah, don't get too cocky.
She calls me that, too.
Say hi, Tyson.
Hi, Tyson.
- No.
- Ha! He's funny! He gets that from his daddy on the side.
All right, now, I got to make this fruit salad for the game, so you got that melon baller for me? Yeah, now, remember, it is scoop, twist, toss.
- Got it? - Do I got it? I am single-handedly raising this boy two hours a day once a week, okay? I taught him how to shave, how to drive, how to leave a note on a car after we hit it.
I think I can handle a melon baller.
Now, is it scoop, twist, spin, or smash, smash Don't worry.
I'll help him.
You know, you two do look like you're having a good time together.
Our faces hurt from smiling.
Honestly, I knew I had a sense for being a parent, but, my God, I am taking my breath away.
[CHUCKLES.]
What's going on with you? Look at me, talking about my kid.
Okay, first of all, he's not actually your kid.
Dina Rose, do not say that in front of Tyson.
- I'm all he's got.
- You know I have a dad, right? You do now, son.
You do now.
Thank you for the melon scoop.
Tyson, bring the car around.
Tyson, do not bring the car around.
COURTNEY: See, I knew he couldn't say no to helping out some kids.
- How do they even know who he is? - They don't.
I gave them Coffee Bean gift cards to play along.
- They let kids into Coffee Bean? - I don't know.
Disgusting.
All right, so, here's the game plan.
I'm gonna let these little kids kick my butt, Don's gonna see I can laugh at myself, and then, boom, we're rolling in dough.
Break.
Pizza dough and money dough.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Excuse me.
Oh, hey, you mind if I borrow this real quick? Thanks.
Hey, could you sign this for my niece? Her name is Courtney.
- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I'm just playing.
That's my name.
It's a girl's name.
I can actually laugh at myself.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
Hey, thanks for the invite.
Who knew Fort Grey had so many Kansas City Royals fans? - I know, right? - Totally.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Uhp, that's my cue.
Who's ready to take on the big, bad mayor? Let's get it.
Oh, man, you took it right from me! Ah! You suck! Hey, man, I'm doing the best I can.
Okay, that's just sad.
Oh.
This is the dream.
I wonder why more people aren't parents.
Um, T.
K.
, you you realize there's more to parenting than just ice cream and basketball, yes? - Oh, you don't have to tell me.
- Okay.
I've been practicing "the talk" all day.
My advice get it while it's hot and consensual.
Oh.
Our boys are going head-to-head.
Oh, man! Don, will you play with us? I need a real challenge.
Hey, take it easy on him.
You know, he is named after a flower.
Ha ha! Yeah, my middle name's not so great, either.
My man.
Maybe we should help him out and lower the rim a few feet? [LAUGHTER.]
[CHUCKLES.]
You know I'm just playing at 10%, right? If I turnt it up, it would be a straight clinic out here.
What position did you play in high school? - "Left out"? - [LAUGHTER.]
[DISTORTED LAUGHTER.]
Back to me.
Swish 'em.
Oh! Money to make! Money to make! Ooh, I like that sound! Are y'all just gonna stand on the sidelines, watch a boy do footwork? Whoo! - My man.
- Aah! - Courtney, Courtney, Courtney! - Oh! - [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- Yo, ref! I didn't even touch the man! Come on, man.
You got a mustache.
You a grown man.
That is a child! Whoo! Thank you.
Hold the trophy for me while I make out with your girlfriend.
Well, when she become of age.
I don't I-I don't like this.
- No, I mean - Oh, it's - Oh! - Oh! Yeah! I'm the mayor, bitch! - [LAUGHS.]
- [CRYING.]
T.
K.
, your kid's crying.
I mean, that's not really my kid.
Also, your kid made him cry.
Y-Yeah, I'm not proud of that.
Wait, no, no.
One sec.
Whoo! And back in the number-one spot, here he is Mayor Courtney Rose! - Man, he's the gift that keeps on giving.
- COURTNEY: I'm the mayor, bitch! As your mom solid dunk.
As a citizen of the Earth, the hell is wrong with you?! Hey, Tyson, it's Side Daddy.
You want to hit a movie today? See what that Pixar lamp is up to? You know what I'm saying? Boing, boing.
Oh, y Oh, you're still sad.
I mean, sure, the mayor dunked on you and humiliated you in front of all your friends, but it's Oh.
Now we're sobbing.
Okay, well Uh, uh, Tyson, you're losing me, man.
I-I'm getting stuck in a tunnel.
Something jammed the signal.
Shh! Shh! Shh! Hey, you already bought those movie tickets? I'll give you 20 cent on the dollar.
What do I do, Jermaine? He was crying so hard I actually heard him say, "Boo-hoo-hoo".
Just trade him in for another kid.
I am so glad you said that.
I felt you pushing me there, and I was willing to go.
Man.
- Hey, man, you broke my kid.
- Not right now, T.
K.
Not right now? Then when, Courtney? When? - Hey.
- Hey.
Just, uh checking in to see how you're doing.
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I don't want to talk about it.
Of course not, 'cause, you know, men aren't allowed to talk about their emotions.
They're just busy eating raw steaks and, you know comparing penises.
What? This isn't your fault.
You've been brainwashed by the whole cult of machismo.
Look, everyone praises the sensitive guy, but when push comes to shove, all they want is for us to chop wood and do push-ups.
So, at the risk of being impolitic, it's very, very hard to be a man.
Ohh.
Oh, it's it's brutal.
Getting twice the pay and having kids in your 70s with your third wife I get it.
It's hard for women, too.
Harder.
Er.
Seriously.
Look, you don't have to have a-a killer fastball to be a great leader.
There are other ways to show your strengths.
Me? Mine is persistence.
Yes, 'cause you never seem to stop, ever.
Okay, well, very true.
I've ran in 10 marathons, and I've never won.
You know, but I keep persisting, even though we all know that when a Kenyan enters the race, it's like, "What are we even talking about?" Yes, Val, what are we talking about? I'm just saying, there's more than one way to be strong.
Also, I just told you that I ran in like 10 marathons, which is, like, super-impressive, and you're not you're not impressed? Okay, whatever.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- T.
K.
: Dina Rose.
Ah! Hey, T.
K.
and not Tyson.
Oh, yeah, th-this is my new Little Buddy, Clem.
He's got asthma, but he likes to laugh.
Oh, hi, Clem.
What happened to Tyson? He was really sweet.
Oh, he was great until he got sad for three days.
So I decided to do a little trade-in for Clem.
Okay.
Clem, my son has a recording studio in his closet.
Why don't you go in there and play? Cool! I love closets! T.
K.
, what the hell were you thinking? That Tyson was too hard to fix, so I'd start fresh with a new kid? Do you know how many times I wanted to trade in Courtney? Fool woke me up this morning asking me to to open up a jar of jelly.
The boy's got the weakest hands.
It's just so hard, Miss Dina.
I was watching Tyson in pain like that, and and I couldn't take it.
Maybe I'll never be ready to be a dad.
Ready? There is no ready.
I mean, the best you can do is practice to avoid mistakes, but then I promise, you're just gonna make different mistakes.
Okay, this is a bad pep talk.
I'm not feeling no pep.
It is real talk.
But when you get your kid through that first broken leg or broken heart and you see them happy again, that's the real bliss.
Oh, my God.
I got to go get my baby.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- T.
K.
? Clem.
What am I supposed to do with you? Well, we gonna watch "Law & Order: Menendez Murders.
" They killed their parents, baby.
Courtney, what, did you drive two towns over to show me you can wrestle down a kitten? Easy, now.
Don't go crying.
I'm just messing with you.
Look, Don, my city needs jobs, and I'm here to fight for them with all of my strength.
Val.
So you gotta cravin' for some 'za But you're tryin' to save a dolla Well, fugettabout those other guys And give Big D's a holla Our sauce is fresh Doo, doo, doo, doo Our pizza be poppin' Just take a bite, yo You won't be stoppin' Big D's Pizza Express Hoo! - Located in Fort Grey, California.
- Yeah.
Did you just come up with that? Well, a wise person once told me there are many different types of strengths.
It was me.
I'm I'm the wise person.
And I'm a melody maker, Don.
That's my strength.
So, what do you think of your new jingle? Oh, uh I have John Legend and Kanye working on one for me, so I'm I'm good.
- [SCOFFS.]
Those jokers? - [CHUCKLES.]
Man, I think their jingle might make a good backup.
You know what I'm saying? No, I think we'll go with theirs.
Yeah, that's cool.
I totally get that.
But I appreciate the effort.
That's a strong move, Mr.
Mayor.
Listen I know I can be the strong partner that you need.
And I know I probably didn't - make the best first impression - Or second.
but there is so much more to me than meets the eye.
If you give me a chance, I can surprise you.
You know, I get that.
Everybody always wants to write me off as some old meathead jock, you know, instead of a legit business guy.
I just try to put that aside and do the best I can.
Yeah, but you're a millionaire.
Yeah, "the best I can" is pretty great.
Mm-hmm.
- Yo, Trav! - [GASPS.]
Cancel that meeting in Modesto! Really? I like your style.
Let's shatter that ceiling together partner.
All right.
Real struggle for the accidental mayor and the millionaire jock.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sorry, Val.
What What did you say? I said it's a real struggle for the accidental mayor and the millionaire jock.
[RAPS DESK.]
I'll call you.
So, that's it.
Just boring, circular pizza.
That's all we got? - And 100 jobs.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, if jobs are the only thing we care about, then let's take a victory lap.
I mean, come on.
Am I the only one trying to change the way we think about pizza? - Yes.
- That's right.
Genius is often only appreciated posthumously.
Whoa! - Oh, man! What the hell?! - [LAUGHTER.]
Ah, that's payback for dunking on him at the game.
It was Tyson's idea.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- The screaming was my idea.
What? That That looked like fun.
Hey, Courtney, can I scream in your face? - No.
- Why'd I even take this job? I tell ya, Clem, it sure is nice having a kid in the house again.
Got it! - Told you I could do it.
- You sure did.
This fell back there two years ago.
Miss Dina, I lost Cle Oh, God! There you are! Hey, Officer, you can cancel that Amber Alert.
Yeah, I'm looking at him.
Okay.
Clem, it's time to get you back home.
Wait.
Hold on a minute, T.
K.
Hey, Clem, I bet you can't find that hot dog that rolled under my fridge last week.
Yes, I can.
Miss Dina.
What, are you gonna reach that hot dog with those beefy arms of yours? I don't think so.
Go ahead, Clem.
What is going on?
JERMAINE: Let's loosen these bad boys up.
If you feel a rip or tear, that means it's working.
- Okay.
Guys, can you believe it? - What? Courtney Rose back at Fort Grey High to throw out the ceremonial first pitch.
Today is the day I become mayor.
You said that when you judged the Kiwanis Club Hot Dog Eating Contest.
And when he judges the Galleria Mall's Bikini Contest, he'll say it again.
He's judging that? Whoo! There's nothing a mom loves more - than cheering for her son.
- Mm-hmm.
Sometimes you gotta let the world know.
Whoo! I made that! I'm the mayor's mom! [LAUGHS.]
What are you doing? Uh, well, hello, there, tiny miss.
I am just enjoying a hot dog.
Why? Well, because I got hungry, you know.
I got the grumbles.
Why? Well, it's a combination of biology and, let's be honest, psychology.
Emotion drives a lot of my eating decisions.
Why? Okay, let's get into this.
Um - I'm sorry.
Is she bothering you? - Bothering me? No, this is the most engaging conversation I've had all day.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, here to throw out the first pitch, please welcome Fort Grey's very own Mayor Courtney Rose! I'm glad we're not the Running Apaches anymore, but the Fighting Almonds? Ha ha! Yeah! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Courtney! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Ahh! That's my baby! [GRUNTS.]
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey, that is enough, Fighting Almond! You make a lousy butter.
Sure would hate to be his mama! [LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
That guy might think about giving up on golf and taking up ice fishing.
All right, "Not Top Ten" number one comes out of Fort Grey, California, where that city's mayor, a guy named Courtney Rose, threw out the first pitch.
Or at least that was the plan.
[GRUNTS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Ugh! Can we get someone more coordinated? Bring the golf guy back! I can't believe they are still playing this.
And they added a squeal? Nah, bro, the squeal is real.
I remember it startling me.
Look, bro, it is not my fault I'm an inexperienced thrower, okay? No one ever taught me.
- Excuse me? - Huh? Ow! Ma! God, I thought you was coming here to make me feel better.
And she can throw?! Total package.
"Nobody taught me," my ass! I tried plenty of times.
"Hi, I'm Courtney, and I'd rather rhyme my words and match my hat to my shoes than learn how to be a thrower.
" And it's called a pitcher, by the way.
All right, let me try one.
"Hi, I'm Courtney Rose, and and I don't look very happy right now.
" I-Is this whiff gonna be a problem? I mean, outside of the Overwhelming shame you feel? Yeah, man.
This is like your "Dukakis and the tank," your "Gerald Ford tumbling down the stairs," your Um, when did you become a big history reader? I'm voracious, baby.
- Anyway, my point is - Ew.
you have joined the pantheon of weak-ass leaders.
Okay, moving on.
We have a very big issue to discuss.
- Your Bumble profile.
- Oh, yeah.
Man, I'm so glad you brought this up.
I'm I'm not on Bumble.
Then who the hell I been messaging? Anyways, Big D's Pizza Express wants to open their West Coast headquarters - right here in Fort Grey.
- Oh, wow.
When you start bringing in hella jobs, do you think anyone is gonna remember that throwing arm of yours? - Yes! - Hmm? Oh, sorry.
I just got assigned a Little Buddy.
Oh! You're doing the Big Buddy Little Buddy program? Well, talking to that kid at the game, I started to kind of get the dad feels, you know? But am I really cut out for it? Do I, T.
K.
Clifton, have what it takes to raise a human? As a Big Buddy, I can practice with a rental kid, like a loaner you can bang up a little bit.
Yeah, man, I'm the same way with my shoes.
I got to spend at least a month in my wing tips - to see if I can commit.
- And who knows? Maybe I can teach my kid how to pitch.
Save him Courtney's shame.
Val is right, okay? We need to focus on landing Big D's.
Okay, tomorrow, everyone bring in your best pitch.
Ohh! I don't know if that pun was intended, but it's appreciated.
- Thank you.
- That's the kind of whimsy that will really turn around your Bumble profile.
I'm gonna go.
COURTNEY: Big D's Pizza Express.
We're meeting with the CEO, Don Viola.
How do we lure his business to Fort Grey? T.
K.
, what do you got? Nothing.
I was busy prepping for my Little Buddy.
What? [QUIETLY.]
If you had kids, you'd understand.
J [SIGHS.]
Allow me.
There have only been two iconic styles of pizza New York, Chicago until now.
Introducing Fort Grey's revolutionary take on pizza Pizza.
Pot.
Pie.
Oh, like a calzone? No, no, that's been done already, bro.
You know what? I don't think you guys are getting it.
Let me Okay, I did some actual research on Don.
The guy has five businesses.
- He played pro ball, been married twice - Whoa, wait, wait.
What pro ball did he play? Tennis? Foos? Oh, God, tell me it's not Base.
It's base.
- Oh, no.
- [SIGHS.]
Wh You didn't tell us the boss is meeting with a baseball player.
Why do we even have an after-hours phone tree? It's not that big of a deal.
Val, Courtney very publicly failed at this man's passion.
It was the height of humiliation.
Don's not gonna want to go for that.
Yeah, he's gonna have a field day with me.
Look, Courtney, no one cares if you can throw a pitch.
He's just here to make a deal.
All you have to do is show him that you are the perfect partner.
Okay, yeah.
All right.
Yeah, I ca I can do that.
Can you, though? Because you said that last time when they asked you to pitch.
Ooh.
Nah, you got it.
Welcome to City Hall, little man the place where the magic happens.
I know it can be a little overwhelming, but I'll be by your side the whole time.
So, what do you want to see first? This building's wack.
I've been to the White House.
Welcome to City Hall, little man the place where magic happens.
Now, I know it can be a little overwhelming, but I'll be right here by your side.
So, what do you want to see first? Wow.
City Hall's so fancy and big! You are so much better than that other kid, I tell you.
Who has two thumbs and loves a tax break? - This guy! - [LAUGHTER.]
Tired of waiting for that building permit? Welcome to the front of the line.
Sorry, Owen's Dry Bar.
So, what do you say? Hmm? I think we will make a really strong team.
ALL: Mm-hmm.
Maybe.
As long as you're not the pitcher.
[LAUGHTER.]
So, y-you saw the pitch.
Actually, my niece sent me the clip.
It's going around her school.
Well, we didn't come all this way to talk about Courtney's pitch.
It's not really a pitch, was it? I mean, I don't know what the word is for it.
I guess it's a, uh Like Like, a bloop? That works.
Look, Don, man, I-I-I was never a-a big sports guy, okay? I was, uh, more of a song-and-dance man, if you will.
And when you're rocking it on the mic like I was, you ain't got time to be throwing around balls like some meathead jock.
[LAUGHS.]
So I'm a meathead jock? So, if we could just actually turn to page three It's okay.
I'd like to hear from the melody maker more about how I'm a meathead jock.
- Don, I'm sure he was - Travis! Let him talk! Sorry.
Roid rage.
Go on.
What What I was saying was that is that that meatheads not that [CHUCKLING.]
you're a meathead - Meat lover.
- Yeah, I love athletes! Oh, my gosh, the running and the jumping all of it, really.
Any idiot off the street can make music.
- Even Shaq made a rap album.
- Shaq did.
He did.
Not that Shaq is an idiot.
Wow.
You know what, man? I was just messing with you.
VAL: Ah.
You know, I break your balls, you break mine.
- But then you What's the word? - Blooped.
Yeah, you blooped.
You know, that pitch was embarrassing, but this level of spinelessness it speaks volumes, you know? How do I know that you're not gonna crumble when Little Caesars comes in here and bullies you into a sweeter deal than mine? I got to run.
I got a thing.
VAL: Oh, well, um, we we can just take a couple minutes - to just go over our plan.
- Thanks, guys.
Thank you so much.
Hey, Don, it's really good.
It's very det I don't think he has a thing.
I think he just wanted this to end.
You know, 'cause he doesn't see you - as a strong enough, viable partner.
- Thank you, T.
K.
Come on.
Come on.
Ring! Ring! Damn it! Is Don really gonna let this deal fall through? [SIGHS.]
Val, Val, Val.
You did it again.
You told my boy not to worry about his pathetic pitch, when, clearly, that's all a baseball-pizza-man would care about.
Don literally said that he didn't care.
What he didn't like was how Courtney crumbled like a forgive my words spineless wussy.
I hate when you go blue.
Look, Courtney, this wasn't a thing until you made it a thing.
Yeah.
I mean, your physical weakness is one thing, but you revealed your inner weakness.
And the trouble with the inner weakness is that you can't fix it.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- Okay, this is bad.
I-I just got word from a contact.
Don is meeting the city of Modesto.
We have competition.
Conference room.
Now! Oh, hey, I'm on snack detail for Tyson's basketball game.
Do you think the kids would like pizza pot pie? Do I think kids would enjoy pizza topped with mashed potatoes and peas? Oh.
That's what it is? All right, look, you need to project strength to Don.
All right, my advice, although it may be controversial have sex with his wife.
- Oh, no.
- Ugh.
You want to prove to him that you're strong? Forgive someone who's wronged you with your whole heart.
- No.
- I don't know, bro.
She's pretty gorge.
She looks like one of those women playing tennis in the herpes commercial.
Courtney, Don messed with you and revealed an insecurity.
Just show him you have a sense of humor and you can laugh at yourself.
You know what? She's right.
It's like when Hugh Grant got caught with that prosty, went on Leno, laughed about it, next thing you know, he's just a boy standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him.
That girl's name? Julia frickin' Roberts.
Hey, I got a basketball game coming up.
You could embarrass yourself there.
Yes! I can let those cute, little stinkers dunk on me, show off my winning sense of humor, and, boom me and Don are back in biz.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- T.
K.
: Dina Rose.
Aw, hey, there, little cutie! Ah, don't get too cocky.
She calls me that, too.
Say hi, Tyson.
Hi, Tyson.
- No.
- Ha! He's funny! He gets that from his daddy on the side.
All right, now, I got to make this fruit salad for the game, so you got that melon baller for me? Yeah, now, remember, it is scoop, twist, toss.
- Got it? - Do I got it? I am single-handedly raising this boy two hours a day once a week, okay? I taught him how to shave, how to drive, how to leave a note on a car after we hit it.
I think I can handle a melon baller.
Now, is it scoop, twist, spin, or smash, smash Don't worry.
I'll help him.
You know, you two do look like you're having a good time together.
Our faces hurt from smiling.
Honestly, I knew I had a sense for being a parent, but, my God, I am taking my breath away.
[CHUCKLES.]
What's going on with you? Look at me, talking about my kid.
Okay, first of all, he's not actually your kid.
Dina Rose, do not say that in front of Tyson.
- I'm all he's got.
- You know I have a dad, right? You do now, son.
You do now.
Thank you for the melon scoop.
Tyson, bring the car around.
Tyson, do not bring the car around.
COURTNEY: See, I knew he couldn't say no to helping out some kids.
- How do they even know who he is? - They don't.
I gave them Coffee Bean gift cards to play along.
- They let kids into Coffee Bean? - I don't know.
Disgusting.
All right, so, here's the game plan.
I'm gonna let these little kids kick my butt, Don's gonna see I can laugh at myself, and then, boom, we're rolling in dough.
Break.
Pizza dough and money dough.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Excuse me.
Oh, hey, you mind if I borrow this real quick? Thanks.
Hey, could you sign this for my niece? Her name is Courtney.
- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I'm just playing.
That's my name.
It's a girl's name.
I can actually laugh at myself.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
Hey, thanks for the invite.
Who knew Fort Grey had so many Kansas City Royals fans? - I know, right? - Totally.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Uhp, that's my cue.
Who's ready to take on the big, bad mayor? Let's get it.
Oh, man, you took it right from me! Ah! You suck! Hey, man, I'm doing the best I can.
Okay, that's just sad.
Oh.
This is the dream.
I wonder why more people aren't parents.
Um, T.
K.
, you you realize there's more to parenting than just ice cream and basketball, yes? - Oh, you don't have to tell me.
- Okay.
I've been practicing "the talk" all day.
My advice get it while it's hot and consensual.
Oh.
Our boys are going head-to-head.
Oh, man! Don, will you play with us? I need a real challenge.
Hey, take it easy on him.
You know, he is named after a flower.
Ha ha! Yeah, my middle name's not so great, either.
My man.
Maybe we should help him out and lower the rim a few feet? [LAUGHTER.]
[CHUCKLES.]
You know I'm just playing at 10%, right? If I turnt it up, it would be a straight clinic out here.
What position did you play in high school? - "Left out"? - [LAUGHTER.]
[DISTORTED LAUGHTER.]
Back to me.
Swish 'em.
Oh! Money to make! Money to make! Ooh, I like that sound! Are y'all just gonna stand on the sidelines, watch a boy do footwork? Whoo! - My man.
- Aah! - Courtney, Courtney, Courtney! - Oh! - [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- Yo, ref! I didn't even touch the man! Come on, man.
You got a mustache.
You a grown man.
That is a child! Whoo! Thank you.
Hold the trophy for me while I make out with your girlfriend.
Well, when she become of age.
I don't I-I don't like this.
- No, I mean - Oh, it's - Oh! - Oh! Yeah! I'm the mayor, bitch! - [LAUGHS.]
- [CRYING.]
T.
K.
, your kid's crying.
I mean, that's not really my kid.
Also, your kid made him cry.
Y-Yeah, I'm not proud of that.
Wait, no, no.
One sec.
Whoo! And back in the number-one spot, here he is Mayor Courtney Rose! - Man, he's the gift that keeps on giving.
- COURTNEY: I'm the mayor, bitch! As your mom solid dunk.
As a citizen of the Earth, the hell is wrong with you?! Hey, Tyson, it's Side Daddy.
You want to hit a movie today? See what that Pixar lamp is up to? You know what I'm saying? Boing, boing.
Oh, y Oh, you're still sad.
I mean, sure, the mayor dunked on you and humiliated you in front of all your friends, but it's Oh.
Now we're sobbing.
Okay, well Uh, uh, Tyson, you're losing me, man.
I-I'm getting stuck in a tunnel.
Something jammed the signal.
Shh! Shh! Shh! Hey, you already bought those movie tickets? I'll give you 20 cent on the dollar.
What do I do, Jermaine? He was crying so hard I actually heard him say, "Boo-hoo-hoo".
Just trade him in for another kid.
I am so glad you said that.
I felt you pushing me there, and I was willing to go.
Man.
- Hey, man, you broke my kid.
- Not right now, T.
K.
Not right now? Then when, Courtney? When? - Hey.
- Hey.
Just, uh checking in to see how you're doing.
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I don't want to talk about it.
Of course not, 'cause, you know, men aren't allowed to talk about their emotions.
They're just busy eating raw steaks and, you know comparing penises.
What? This isn't your fault.
You've been brainwashed by the whole cult of machismo.
Look, everyone praises the sensitive guy, but when push comes to shove, all they want is for us to chop wood and do push-ups.
So, at the risk of being impolitic, it's very, very hard to be a man.
Ohh.
Oh, it's it's brutal.
Getting twice the pay and having kids in your 70s with your third wife I get it.
It's hard for women, too.
Harder.
Er.
Seriously.
Look, you don't have to have a-a killer fastball to be a great leader.
There are other ways to show your strengths.
Me? Mine is persistence.
Yes, 'cause you never seem to stop, ever.
Okay, well, very true.
I've ran in 10 marathons, and I've never won.
You know, but I keep persisting, even though we all know that when a Kenyan enters the race, it's like, "What are we even talking about?" Yes, Val, what are we talking about? I'm just saying, there's more than one way to be strong.
Also, I just told you that I ran in like 10 marathons, which is, like, super-impressive, and you're not you're not impressed? Okay, whatever.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- T.
K.
: Dina Rose.
Ah! Hey, T.
K.
and not Tyson.
Oh, yeah, th-this is my new Little Buddy, Clem.
He's got asthma, but he likes to laugh.
Oh, hi, Clem.
What happened to Tyson? He was really sweet.
Oh, he was great until he got sad for three days.
So I decided to do a little trade-in for Clem.
Okay.
Clem, my son has a recording studio in his closet.
Why don't you go in there and play? Cool! I love closets! T.
K.
, what the hell were you thinking? That Tyson was too hard to fix, so I'd start fresh with a new kid? Do you know how many times I wanted to trade in Courtney? Fool woke me up this morning asking me to to open up a jar of jelly.
The boy's got the weakest hands.
It's just so hard, Miss Dina.
I was watching Tyson in pain like that, and and I couldn't take it.
Maybe I'll never be ready to be a dad.
Ready? There is no ready.
I mean, the best you can do is practice to avoid mistakes, but then I promise, you're just gonna make different mistakes.
Okay, this is a bad pep talk.
I'm not feeling no pep.
It is real talk.
But when you get your kid through that first broken leg or broken heart and you see them happy again, that's the real bliss.
Oh, my God.
I got to go get my baby.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- T.
K.
? Clem.
What am I supposed to do with you? Well, we gonna watch "Law & Order: Menendez Murders.
" They killed their parents, baby.
Courtney, what, did you drive two towns over to show me you can wrestle down a kitten? Easy, now.
Don't go crying.
I'm just messing with you.
Look, Don, my city needs jobs, and I'm here to fight for them with all of my strength.
Val.
So you gotta cravin' for some 'za But you're tryin' to save a dolla Well, fugettabout those other guys And give Big D's a holla Our sauce is fresh Doo, doo, doo, doo Our pizza be poppin' Just take a bite, yo You won't be stoppin' Big D's Pizza Express Hoo! - Located in Fort Grey, California.
- Yeah.
Did you just come up with that? Well, a wise person once told me there are many different types of strengths.
It was me.
I'm I'm the wise person.
And I'm a melody maker, Don.
That's my strength.
So, what do you think of your new jingle? Oh, uh I have John Legend and Kanye working on one for me, so I'm I'm good.
- [SCOFFS.]
Those jokers? - [CHUCKLES.]
Man, I think their jingle might make a good backup.
You know what I'm saying? No, I think we'll go with theirs.
Yeah, that's cool.
I totally get that.
But I appreciate the effort.
That's a strong move, Mr.
Mayor.
Listen I know I can be the strong partner that you need.
And I know I probably didn't - make the best first impression - Or second.
but there is so much more to me than meets the eye.
If you give me a chance, I can surprise you.
You know, I get that.
Everybody always wants to write me off as some old meathead jock, you know, instead of a legit business guy.
I just try to put that aside and do the best I can.
Yeah, but you're a millionaire.
Yeah, "the best I can" is pretty great.
Mm-hmm.
- Yo, Trav! - [GASPS.]
Cancel that meeting in Modesto! Really? I like your style.
Let's shatter that ceiling together partner.
All right.
Real struggle for the accidental mayor and the millionaire jock.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sorry, Val.
What What did you say? I said it's a real struggle for the accidental mayor and the millionaire jock.
[RAPS DESK.]
I'll call you.
So, that's it.
Just boring, circular pizza.
That's all we got? - And 100 jobs.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, if jobs are the only thing we care about, then let's take a victory lap.
I mean, come on.
Am I the only one trying to change the way we think about pizza? - Yes.
- That's right.
Genius is often only appreciated posthumously.
Whoa! - Oh, man! What the hell?! - [LAUGHTER.]
Ah, that's payback for dunking on him at the game.
It was Tyson's idea.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- The screaming was my idea.
What? That That looked like fun.
Hey, Courtney, can I scream in your face? - No.
- Why'd I even take this job? I tell ya, Clem, it sure is nice having a kid in the house again.
Got it! - Told you I could do it.
- You sure did.
This fell back there two years ago.
Miss Dina, I lost Cle Oh, God! There you are! Hey, Officer, you can cancel that Amber Alert.
Yeah, I'm looking at him.
Okay.
Clem, it's time to get you back home.
Wait.
Hold on a minute, T.
K.
Hey, Clem, I bet you can't find that hot dog that rolled under my fridge last week.
Yes, I can.
Miss Dina.
What, are you gonna reach that hot dog with those beefy arms of yours? I don't think so.
Go ahead, Clem.
What is going on?