The McCarthys (2014) s01e12 Episode Script

1 ANNOUNCER (over TV): And here's the kick.
Hey, guys.
Guess what my baby just - Shh! - Hold on.
It's got the distance.
It's good! - What a kick.
- Amazing.
Best kick ever.
What'd your baby do? It kicked.
Second best kick ever? Oh, it's so exciting, Jackie.
That baby will be here any minute.
And pretty soon it'll be walking and driving and going off to college, and in the blink of an eye, they're sitting on the couch all the time.
Do you guys want to feel it? - Oh, there it is.
- Yeah.
So cool.
I'm getting nothing.
Ronny, poke it and send it this way.
Really? You're gonna make the baby come to you? Power move.
I don't go to babies.
Babies come to me.
Oh, there it is.
I own you.
Dad, how about you? Uh, if you're going to the kitchen, I'll have another beer.
No, do you want to feel the baby? Uh beer's good.
Dad is not excited about the baby.
Of course he is.
Why wouldn't he be? I don't know I'm single, the baby's a product of a one-night stand with his assistant coach, who is now dead.
Jackie.
You're reaching.
You know what, though? I'm excited.
Thanks, Ma.
But I was hoping it might be something that Dad and I could bond over.
I mean, let's face it, we're not that close.
Jackie, your dad and I are very close.
Trust me, you're not missing much.
KATRINA: Hi, McCarthys! Oh, no, it's Katrina.
Quick, out the back.
KATRINA: Hi, Marjorie and Jackie in the kitchen! Hi, Katrina! We gotta board this up.
Wow, I thought you guys would be reading books or exercising.
(snickers) Just kidding.
I know all you do is watch TV.
Ah, she got us.
And we've got her.
So I've got this.
So, Gerard, did you tell the fun bunch here E' what the dress code is for the engagement party? No one even knows what "smart casual" is.
Do you guys know? Oh, yeah, 'cause this is the latest season of Project Runway.
So, Katrina, it's nice of your mom to host everyone at the party.
Well, she got a discount on the boat once I told them about my dad.
Oh, right.
How he ran off.
No, how he went missing.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
That's what happened.
Eight years.
Still no leads, huh? Well, some Internet prankster claimed they saw him dancing on a bar in the Bahamas.
Yeah, but that guy had a tattoo that said "freedom.
" And my dad didn't have any tattoos.
GERARD: All right, we got to get out of here.
Me and my girl got to go talk about a bunch of nonsense.
You're a bunch of nonsense.
You're a bunch of hot nonsense.
ARTHUR: Hey.
Other side of the door.
All right.
Later, dinks.
You know why she's having this party on a boat, right? So none of us can flee to the Bahamas, singing songs of freedom.
The McCarthys SO1E12 Original air date 07/04/2015 Okay, so we say a quick hello, and then we throw out, "Wow, big boat.
Hope we see you again at this party.
" And then boom, out, later, suckers.
Are you kidding me? Free food, open bar.
This is literally how I picture Heaven.
Well, I'm gonna go scope out the scene.
Put my new haircut to work for me.
You got a haircut? I know it's subtle.
I didn't want it to change too much, so I showed the guy a picture of me from last week.
- Hey, haircut? - Yep.
I liked it better before.
Wow, look at you guys.
Your couch must be mystified as to where everyone went.
I'm kidding.
Welcome or whatever.
Wow, big boat.
Hope we see you again at this party.
Hey, Ma, this is Gerard's family.
Oh Oh, my God.
My friend Stacy wore the same dress as me.
Hey, Stacy! Get off the boat! You have a very brave son.
It'll be difficult for me to hand over my little gem to him.
- Are you saying? - Your son's a hero, that's all I'll say.
If you'll excuse me, I think I should go give poor Stacy cab fare.
I like her.
Ooh, pigs in a blanket.
(whistles) Over here.
Sorry, we're not serving these yet.
I'm just setting up the buffet.
But the thing is I already saw it.
Even still.
Dad, I got this.
Do you mind if I just have a couple? I'm pregnant.
Oh, of course.
Help yourself.
I would, but I feel rude eating in front of my dad.
Go ahead.
Nice job.
Wow, big boat.
Hope I see you again at this party.
Thanks for driving me to the party.
- Happy to.
- But what's the deal? Do you not have a gas pedal, or do you not have a right foot? I have both, but I also have an awareness that an automobile is a three-ton deadly weapon.
And I have an awareness that we just got passed by a lady in a wheelchair.
I would look to see if that's true were it safe to do so.
Kumquats.
I forgot the kumquats.
I'm supposed to bring them for the "Ger-trinis.
" The Ger-trinis? Is that a signature cocktail or some fruit-loving Italian friends? Okay, good joke, wrong time.
Ronny, focus I have a problem here.
And that wasn't a good joke.
Okay, here's the deal, we still have 20 minutes.
We can hit Whole Foods, grab the kumquats and still make it before the boat leaves.
The way you drive? I'd be better off.
.
(tires screeching) Oh! Ronny, now you're talking.
Hey, driving fast is fun.
I'm out of control.
You know what? When we get to Whole Foods, we're just grabbing the first 30 kumquats we see.
We're not even squeezing them for ripeness.
God, I've never felt more alive! Oh, you take it.
I'll get the next one.
What if there isn't a next one? There's a whole stack of them.
You know it's a good boat when they don't skimp on the paper products.
This one's yours.
Oh, thank you.
You got nice manners.
In high school, I was voted second best manners.
I wrote a really nice note to the guy who won.
(chuckles) My name is Lydia.
And yours? No, mine's Sean.
Ma, I've been looking everywhere for you.
Sweetie, I've been right here.
I certainly would not be hiding from you.
Well, Gerard's still not on the boat.
Sean, where is your brother? Can't you reach him with your weird psychic twin powers? Not when one of us is on land and the other's on water.
Doesn't work.
(laughs) Ma, that's not funny! (groans) It was a sympathy laugh.
It wasn't, it wasn't that was a real tickler.
So you're Gerard's brother.
Yeah, that's how we met.
And you're Katrina's mom.
Lovely daughter.
Oh, thank you.
She's a nightmare.
Even if I agreed with you, and I do, it would be rude to say so.
Wait, so your husband's missing.
That's true.
How long now? Eight years.
Consecutive? (laughs) Ooh, I like you.
You're fun.
I'm gonna take that as a compliment.
Are you flirting with me? Why do you ask? Because if not, this is a really bizarre conversation.
Who says it can't be both? We're here.
We made it.
Oh, thank God.
They made it, Cap'n Crunch! Let's go already! Where are you? I'm right at the entrance to the banquet room.
Where are you? We're at the entrance to the banquet room.
Right near the sign that says "Mazel tov on your Bar Mitzvah.
" What the hell? I got on the wrong boat! He got on the wrong boat! He got on the wrong boat! What do you mean, there's nothing you can do? My fiancé got on the wrong boat.
I could watch this all night.
Well, why can't you turn around? I'm sorry, these ships have prescribed routes we have to stick to, unless it's an emergency.
It is an emergency! (groans with frustration) It's not an emergency.
Full steam ahead.
I'm so sorry, babe.
The boats looked exactly alike, and You know, I blame Ronny.
Wow, greetings from under the bus.
You talk to the captain? There's nothing he can do.
I even talked to the deejay, but he threw his hands in the air like he just didn't care.
Kumquat? More bad news they're definitely not ripe.
We should have squeezed them.
You know what, I will have one.
So, who are you, Sean McCarthy? You just answered your own question.
What makes you tick? Well, I love basketball, and I love the ladies.
Ironically, not a big fan of the WNBA.
Well, nobody is.
(both chuckling) So, what about you? Who are you? Well, I'm a Taurus, I'm very passionate No, I mean I forgot your name.
(laughing) Okay.
This can either be remembered as the night that you ruined your engagement party, or as the night that you and I got really drunk at Owen Berkowitz's Bar Mitzvah.
What's it gonna be? Two vodka shots.
Oh, vodka? I was thinking Chablis.
That's right.
Your bro can throw them down.
Sorry, I need this.
Also vodka.
Mm-hmm, mmm.
Oh, they're, uh they're gonna Photoshop Gerard in later.
Tell me wherC#e his cheek will be, and I'll kiss it.
Are you guys starting to feel bad? Yeah, but we're powering through it.
No.
I mean for Katrina.
When she's happy and annoying, it's so easy to hate her.
But when she's sad, she almost resembles a real person.
I'm starting to feel sorry for her.
Ma, that's really nice.
I know, maybe some whiskey will get rid of it.
You guys want to say something to the Bar Mitzvah boy? Yeah, we do! Damn straight.
Hey, Owen, it's your Uncle Saul.
And your Uncle Gerard.
We know everybody's been giving you money or gift cards, but your uncles know what you really want.
Kumquats.
Let them ripen, and Mazel tov.
Yeah, 'cause we're Jewish.
Thanks.
We're good.
Thanks, Ronny.
You really turned this thing around for me.
So, listen, now that Katrina's gonna be family, you guys should spend more time together.
Oh, no.
The amount of time we spend together now is perfect.
I think we're nailing it.
Yeah, but the thing is when you get to know someone better, hopefully, you get to like 'em.
Even if initially you found them, you know, kind of hard to take.
Oh, but I already think Katrina's great.
I like her bunches and bunches.
I'm talking about the way she feels about you.
Okay, you are drunk, my brother.
You won't believe what you just said.
You said Katrina does not like me.
(laughing) She doesn't like you.
Wait, what? You know what, forget I said anything.
Uh, I-I mean, it's a Bar Mitzvah.
It's a time for joy.
L'chaim! No.
No Chaim.
Okay, this is crazy.
What about me doesn't she like? You can say it.
I know.
I'm trying to remember them all.
All? How many are there? Nine.
All right, here we go.
Your sense of humor.
What's wrong with my sense of humor? She thinks you should get one.
Oh, really? Well, does she know that Joan from my work once called me a male Ellen DeGeneres? She also thinks you're shrill, which I don't get.
She thinks you part your hair on the wrong side.
It wants to go this way.
Ooh, now I'm hearing the shrill.
Beautiful night.
Yes, it is.
Am I not talking loud enough? No, I was just kind of hoping you might kiss me.
I was hoping I might, too.
Am I not talking loud enough? I want you to kiss me.
I can't.
Why not? Oh.
Is it 'cause if it ever got serious, you'd be your brother's stepfather-in-law? No.
I love Gerard.
He's a great brother.
And he'd be a hell of a stepson.
But I have a strict rule about never starting something with a woman whose husband is missing.
Does that come up a lot? More than you'd think.
I had to make the rule.
Sean, I-I don't think he's coming back.
But he could.
And you could still have feelings for him.
And that would crush me.
'Cause you're a great gal, Lydia.
Thanks, Sean.
Just know this if my husband turns up dead, you'll be the first person I call.
Probably second or third.
You got to make all the funeral arrangements and such.
Wow, romantic and practical.
You got me rooting for dead.
You're oversensitive, you're sarcastic.
You act like you're the only person who's ever seen Homeland.
You're pretentious.
When have I ever been pretentious? You once appeared in a dream of hers and started speaking French.
Oh, that's fair.
Sarcastic.
You know what? And get ready for this.
I don't care for Katrina.
Hmm, wow.
That would actually mean something if you hadn't just said you like her "bunches and bunches.
" I was just trying to spare your feelings.
Ronny, I get it.
You like someone, they don't like you back.
It hurts.
You lash out.
That's not what's happening here.
This is like Ugh, if only you watched Homeland, I could explain this to you perfectly.
Hey, Marj.
Oh, hi.
Hey.
Didn't see you standing there.
Having fun? Yeah, it's a blast.
I planned this party for months, and it's ruined.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Guests seem to be enjoying themselves.
I mean, who has an engagement party without their fiancé? It's a disaster.
Oh, I wouldn't Marj, don't lie to me.
People are saying "catastrophe.
" They're right.
I'm sorry it didn't go how you hoped.
Yeah.
Right about now, we were supposed to be doing the dance we've been practicing forever.
Gerard was gonna dance? Oh, he just swings me around and stuff.
It was really just a showcase for my skills.
It's always been a dream of mine to dance on a boat at my engagement party.
Always? Well, since we booked the boat.
I was really looking forward to it.
Come with me.
Where are we going? If I say it out loud, I'm gonna rethink it.
(splashes) ("Brick House" by the Commodores begins) She's a brick House She's mighty mighty Just letting it all hang out - She's a brick house - Shake it.
That lady's stacked And that's a fact Ain't holding nothing back Ow, she's a brick House Marj, you were perfect in the dance tonight.
You saved the party.
Oh, you're exaggerating.
I mean, I was perfect, but nothing could save that party.
Hey, listen.
Uh, I know I razz you a lot and you zing me back, but I got to admit, sometimes I worry that your zings are actual slams.
Or even worse burns.
Katrina, if you heard me say I'd burn you, it was taken out of context.
No, no, I know, I'm just saying that, after what you did tonight, I know I never have to question how you feel about me.
You love me, Marj.
Oh, I wouldn't say And I love you! Oh, Ronny, that's got to be hard to watch.
She loves Ma, yet does not care for you.
Oh, Ger-bear.
Why did no one help me? I'm so sorry.
Oh Excuse me, Katrina? Yeah.
I've got something to say in my normal not shrill voice from under my correctly parted hair.
I don't like you.
What is this? (chuckles) Don't worry.
He already told me he loves you "bunches and bunches.
" But he's been doing this joke where he pretends he doesn't like you.
Huh.
Okay, well, that's sort of funny.
I mean, it's weird, and he's not naturally a funny person, but, you know what, I'll take sort of funny over shrill any day.
It's not a joke.
I don't like you.
(imitates alarm) Shrill alert! All right, Ger-bear, let's get out of here.
SEAN: I'm leaving, too.
I'll go with you guys, make sure you get home safely.
- What?- Now, put your coat on.
It's chilly out there.
What are you, my dad? If she only knew.
Can you believe it? Not only does Katrina not like me, she refuses to believe I don't like her.
Ronny, I just realized something.
She thinks you're joking, she thinks I'm zing-burning her.
So now we can say whatever we want.
Ronny, this is a gift! Let's use it.
I don't care for you! KATRINA: Good one, Ron! Go to hell, Katrina! KATRINA: Zing! I really like our gift.
We're gonna use it a lot.
I was proud of you tonight.
You ate like a pig.
Thanks, Dad.
I was eating for two.
You were eating for six.
Barely able to keep up with you.
I hope, one day, you'll tell little Katie about the fun we had tonight.
Katie? Eh, I'm picturing a girl.
That's what I call her.
Hmm.
Wow.
I was getting the feeling you weren't excited about the baby.
I mean, the other day, when it kicked, you just Oh, yeah, that was gross.
Look, Jackie, I'm old-fashioned.
Before they're born, there's a lot of lady stuff.
But once little Katie's on the outside (clicks tongue) Oh, man.
Katie.
Kind of like that.
What if it's a boy? I'm thinking Patrick.
No, I don't think so.
I'm thinking Arthur.
Well, you can get out of here, or you can stay and watch me cry.
Here, Dad.