The Michael J. Fox Show s01e12 Episode Script
Party
1 I know, and he asked me to hang out again this weekend.
I'm kind of, like, "Yay!", but I'm kind of, like, "What?" Oh, got to go.
The bear is taking the hotdogs.
Was that code? Am I the bear? No.
You're the hotdogs.
I don't want to be the hotdogs! What's the bear? Hey, honey.
Hey.
Did you know I have a code name? Yeah, you're the hotdogs.
Everybody knows that.
Did you get all the stuff for Graham's slumber party? Yeah.
I got everything on the list.
I had to go to three different stores, but luckily they were nowhere near each other.
Oh, good.
You've got stickers.
You've got clay.
You've got, um, what are these? That's scissors for the crafts.
Mike, I said safety scissors.
What have you done? When Ian and Eve were kids, I let them do whatever they wanted during slumber parties.
But then Amy Ruben fell and cut her chin on the coffee table.
Blood everywhere.
Cool! It was like an episode of Nip/Tuck.
Also, I let them watch an episode of Nip/Tuck.
Do these look safe to you? Well, not with that look in your eye.
Hey, guys.
I have a favor to ask.
Where'd he go? You know, for a guy with Parkinson's, he can move really quick when he wants to.
What's the favor? Well, you know that article I wrote on Ikea storage solutions? Uh, let's just say yeah and keep on moving.
Well, I just got paid.
Nice! But then I spent all the money I made on Ikea storage solutions.
So can I borrow the car to go to Ikea? You don't have a driver's license.
Fair enough.
Thanks anyway, Annie.
I'm leaving now! (STOMPING FEET) She gone? Oh.
Gotcha! That's what you call Where did he go? (UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING) Da, da, da Da, da, da Da, da, da, da Da, da, da Da, da, da There he is, Mr.
"Excellence in journalism.
" Ah, well, only according to the national press organization.
But they are the foremost authority on the matter.
Hey, Mike, I saw you putting lotion on earlier.
That's real bronze, man.
You're gonna grease it up.
Whew.
So what are you going to do to mark the occasion? Well, I'm treating myself to this French bread pizza.
Come on, man.
It's on a scrap of looseleaf.
Aren't you even going to get a plate? (MUMBLING) Anyway, I think we should get the guys together and celebrate.
It's hard getting them together these days.
Remember my 40th? Huh? No one came.
At least we had the roller rink to ourselves.
Ah.
Two guys grapevining all alone.
That was sad.
Mike, I'm serious.
I don't need to do anything big.
The center's frozen.
Well, I'll just eat through.
All right, overruled.
I'm throwing you a party.
We'll go to a great steakhouse.
We'll get a private room.
Private room? Are you talking like a stone wine cellar with its own thermostat? And I can just whimsically choose malbecs all night long? That's oddly specific, but, yeah, sure.
Why not? We'll get a limo for the ride over.
Oh, oh, with floor lighting.
Yeah.
And the guy up front has to wear a little cap.
Do you want to plan this? Whatever you do is going to be fine.
Just make it good, because I've been looking forward to this party for minutes.
Annie Henry, back in the slumber party game.
New York, make some noise! (MOCK CHEERING) My mom's slumber parties were epic, and I was the king.
When the other kids were picking dare, I always picked truth.
What were they all running from? Mom, what can we do to help? Maybe put some books away so the shelves are easier to climb? No.
The books are part of the challenge.
Graham, go get more books.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, lan, I cannot be the bad mom again.
I found this thing online about how to throw a safe slumber party.
What? Okay, this is for six year olds.
Graham's eight and 1/4.
(MUMBLING) Look at him, poor slob.
Doesn't even know the storm that's coming.
Come on, Richie.
You sure you can't make it? Mike, is it safe for me to hire a guy from Craigslist with a windowless van to drive me to a remote area? I'm on the phone.
He underlined "windowless," which seems to send a weird message.
I've got the phone right, right up right up to my ear.
Yeah, what was that? Okay.
Okay.
Thanks anyway.
Bye.
Oh, sorry.
Were you on the phone? Harris won this big award, and I'm trying to throw a party for him, but none of the guys can make it.
Of course not.
Oh, sure, people show up for weddings or baby showers, but no one has time for a single person's accomplishments.
Oh, good.
I hit a sore spot.
I've spent, like, $30,000 on bridesmaid related activities, but have any of those bitches come to even one of my readings? No.
It's always, like, "Oh, my in-laws are in town," or, "My kids have a playdate," or, "My husband was just diagnosed with Parkinson's.
" I feel like one of those is about me.
The point is, if it's not a major life event, no one's going to show up.
Well, I wish you would have told me that before I rented a huge limo for Saturday night.
Huge limo? Mike, you need to make this happen for Harris.
(WHISPERING) For Harris.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON COMPUTER) Mom's ruining Graham's slumber party.
We need to save it.
Pass.
Come on.
You throw one bad slumber party, and you're a pariah.
Real talk Graham's kind of a weirdo.
If we want him to be cool like I was Uh, when was that again? Third through fifth, when it counts.
Sorry.
I have plans with Andrew.
Ooh! Eve and Andrew, sittin' in a Wait.
Why am I razzin' you? It's counter-productive to my goals.
All you need to do is to distract mom.
I can't.
I have a life.
The life of a big dumb idiot.
Damn it.
Why do I keep burning you so hard? Seriously I really need your help, ugh! Come on, Russel, Harris would be so thrilled if you could be there.
I'm sorry, Mike.
But you know how it is, brother.
I got ballet recitals to go to, play sets to build.
I got a possum in my attic I'm supposed to humanely trap.
You ever seen possums, man? If I'm going at a possum, I'm going at it.
Yeah, sure, of course.
I just don't think I'm going to be able to make it.
You send Harris my best, though, all right? What if I told you that we were celebrating a major life event? A major life event? Like what, an engagement or something? Well Oh, my God.
Are you telling me the big dog is finally getting engaged? Well, what if I What if I told you the big dog won a prestigious journalism award? Oh! Wow.
Okay, yeah.
Can't make that one.
Okay, no.
What if I told you you were right the first time and the award was just a joke? Mike, are you serious? What? Give me a break.
I'm desperate.
This is a game changer, buddy.
Look, I will make sure to get all the guys there.
Great.
Uh, I'll see you there, and, oh, don't tell Harris, 'cause it's a huge, huge, huge, huge surprise.
Are you happy with how that went? Foam your own corners.
Come on, hit me.
One left! I'd stand still for you, but it's medically impossible.
Thanks for the ride, Amir.
Oh, come on.
That is priceless.
Ah, it's not exactly priceless.
I had to pay him 30 bucks to do that.
Hey, thanks again for talking me into this, Mike.
You really got everyone to come out? I just told the guys it was a big moment for you, although some of the specifics may have changed a little bit.
Congratulations, brother! Hey.
I can't believe you got engaged! Engaged? There he is, the man of the hour! (ALL CHEERING) Ah! She's a lucky gal.
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Whose name is Pam, by the way.
Uh-huh.
What were you thinking, Mike? You told everyone I was engaged? No, Russel assumed you were engaged, and I didn't know for a fact that you wouldn't be engaged by tonight, so I went along.
What? You're missing the big point here.
What's important is the guys are here to celebrate you.
And apparently Pam.
And why'd you go with Pam? Do I look like somebody who would be married to a Pam? I'll have you know I have a very attractive aunt named Pam.
Hey, big dog! Come on, over here, baby! Come on, shots on me.
All right.
Maybe I can make this work.
And then later I'm going to make that work.
Now, eyes forward, big fella.
You're engaged now.
(GROANS) ANNIE: Aidan, no, no, no, no, no, no, buddy.
This stays taped down, all right? This paper could slice your hand wide open.
(SIGHS) After this party, I'm going to be so cool, even cooler than Spencer, and he ate a bunch of ants.
Pfft.
Sounds like a dare man to me.
Ah, well, there she goes, my ex-sister, putting joes before bros.
Joes means guys.
Bros means actual brothers.
Ian, calm down.
Graham will be fine.
Okay, guys, DVD time.
We've got Black Beauty and Black Stallion.
(ALL GROANING) Interesting tidbit here not played by the same horse.
I guess knowledge is the best party favor, huh? (CLICKS TONGUE) Knowledge sucks.
I don't even know why I came to this stupid party.
ALL: Yeah! All right, I'm in.
Mom, I really need to talk to you for a second.
(SOFTLY) What? I'm kind of in the middle of this.
So I'm thinking about transferring classes.
I hear Miss Lupinacci gives out automatic 100s if you bring in a present for her cat.
Uh, I don't want you anywhere near her.
She sleeps face down on the couch in the teachers' lounge.
All right, butt faces, this party's about to get real.
You won't be needing this kid stuff anymore.
I worked really hard on that.
Hey, I'm Leigh.
Sorry, ma'am.
I'm not interested.
Wait, did you think I was Oh, you did think I was a That is so sweet.
No.
No.
I'm Mike Henry's sister, and, since limo rides extend to immediate family, I need you to take me to Ikea.
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
I don't think so.
No, no.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa! Whoa! I have dated my share of limo drivers, and it seems to me that your luxury vehicle license is out of date.
So, listen, don't make me report you to the taxi and limousine commission, numbers of which I have also dated.
(DOOR CLICKS) See? Now that wasn't so hard.
Uh, ma'am, there's 700 empty square feet back there.
Yes, of course.
The next think I know, Harris is being chased down the street by half the L.
A.
Rams' offensive line.
(LAUGHING) How was I supposed to know that cheerleader was dating the quarterback, huh? Well, that's the most they protected him all season.
Yeah! Hey, honey.
Yeah, I'm going to be a little late tonight.
Yeah, this party's actually working out.
Great.
So should I pick out a dress for the fake wedding? Don't be crazy.
Pam's going to realize she's a lesbian in six months.
Wait, hold up.
We still have not seen a picture of Pam, your fiancée.
Come on.
Give it up.
No, I I Oh, gotta go.
My camera don't work on my phone.
Harris, you can't show a picture of your bride before the big day.
It's bad luck.
I don't know if that's a thing, Mike.
Like you know all the things, Russel.
I can't believe this guy's finally tying the knot.
I mean, I gotta be honest, Harris.
I didn't know if you'd get your act together.
What's wrong with my act? Nothing.
It's just that you you're the big dog.
You know, love 'em and leave 'em, amuse 'em and lose 'em.
You know, we're just happy that you finally grew out of it.
We were getting kind of worried about you.
Worried? Not worried, just concerned that your life would be empty and without purpose, and you'd be alone forever.
Huh.
And that's all, huh? Let's not split hairs, fellas.
When it comes down to it, we all die alone.
Who wants shrimp? Garçon! And all this time I thought it was "all intensive purposes.
" Hmm.
What a rube.
Well, I'm glad I could clear that up for you.
I didn't know that you cared so much about grammar.
Yeah, well, I just want to do good on my SATs.
KIDS: (SCREAMING) Yeah! (LOUD CRASH) Oh, God! I got to get back out there.
Hang on.
What? I'd run through all the things that usually distract mom.
I was going to have to start freestyling.
All I'm saying is, Putin wouldn't be president if he weren't a good guy.
Is there such a thing as a super period? If you think about it, guac really does sound like a racial slur.
Pierced nose, eyebrow, or, uh, this chin meat down here? You're not piercing anything.
Now I want to circle back around to this whole super period issue.
The rules are simple.
One person gets in a sleeping bag filled with pillows, and the others hit him harder and harder until he can feel it.
It's called, "Can you feel it?" Did I really want to spend my entire night saving Graham's slumber party? No.
But this wasn't about me.
I'll go first.
I don't mind getting in there.
Oh, my leg's already in there, buddy.
I just got to adjust this thing down here together.
Whoa! Oh! And I know it's just a song, but it raises an important question, "Who did let the dogs out?" I Okay.
I guess I can hear what you're saying.
I just Why are we talking about this? (THUDS) (CHILDREN EXCLAIMING) What was that? (ALL SHOUTING) Hey! Hey, I'm not up yet.
Yeah! This is pretty fun! Hey, seriously! I didn't put the blankets in yet.
I have been in here forever.
This is crazy! Wait! I'm thinking of having sex this weekend.
Whoa.
That last thing was actually true.
So on behalf of all of us, Harris Courtney Wright, welcome to the club of marriage.
Your life begins now.
ALL: Here, here! That's right.
Cheers! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Harris' life began a long time ago.
In fact, here's a toast to Harris' old life.
Nothing to tie him down, TiVo full of his own shows, fridge full of every kind of mustard you can think of.
Bourbon dijon.
That's one.
All right, Mike.
And if Pam were to fall out of the picture, maybe due to her open-minded attitudes about sex, well, I think Harris would still do fine.
Hey! Don't scare him, Mike! Look, friends come and go, but your wife is the only one who is there for you always.
Exactly my point.
She'll always be there.
Always.
You know, I don't know what I would do without Tia.
You know, she tells me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.
What about the endless errands, the emotional clinginess? What are you talking about? Annie? Mike, your wife is so chill, she's practically a guy.
Until the doors close, and then she's all woman.
And not in a good way, either.
In fact, if I had it all to do over again Now, Mike, just stop.
I think I've heard enough toasts for now.
You know, Tia's the one who got me off online shopping.
She put that mirror up, and I didn't like what I saw.
And I just love her so Oh, give it a rest.
I don't even know what to say.
Sex is a big deal.
How had I gotten myself into this? I had a flawless plan, and somehow she turned it on me.
It's almost as if I'm not actually as smart as I think I am.
No, that's not it.
You know what? Let's just forget about that.
I was just kidding.
Got you good! You should see your face.
Seriously, what have you guys done so far? We talkin' south of the equator? Okay! Top stuff? Uh, let's, let's It's getting late.
Let's go check on that party.
Oh, no.
I'm sure they're fine.
Ian's got it under control.
(ALL CLAMORING) Ow! Ah! Hey, I found another bat! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! That's not a wiffle! Not a wiffle! Ahh! What do you mean some blonde woman took my limo? Well, let me talk to her.
Hey, Harris! Leigh! You took my limo? Borrowed.
And technically I was supposed to have another hour and a half.
Why do you need it back so soon? Well, this party's a disaster.
Mike invented a fake fiancée to get my friends to come out.
Mike thought of that? It may sound like a good idea, but all they're doing is ragging on my single life.
Ugh! Married people are the worst.
Listen, Harris, hang in there, okay? And about the limo You got five minutes.
Got it.
MIKE: Harris, there you are.
Hey.
Listen, I'm sorry, man.
I screwed up.
I thought the guys would come out just for the award, but they No, it's all right.
You were just trying to do something nice.
On the bright side, now I know what my friends really think of me.
Nah, come on.
That's not what they think of you.
No, it is.
Maybe they're right.
At the end of the day, I got nobody to come home to.
You chose a path that a lot of guys would envy.
And And maybe one day, you'll choose another path.
But, in the meantime, it's not like you don't have options.
You think so? Yeah, like the cute waitress over there that's been smiling at you all night.
Oh.
Okay.
You know what? I like those options.
But if this works out, don't tell Pam.
I already didn't tell her.
It seemed like a good idea, but now that the weekend's here, I'm not so sure.
I'm glad that you and I are close enough that we can talk about your sexuality.
Oh, please don't say that.
Okay, it's just (SIGHS) I'm relieved that you feel that you can come to me when you're having problems with a lover.
That's worse! I'm sorry! I'm sorr It's just (SIGHS) This is hard for me too.
Okay? I mean, you're my little girl.
You know, forget about what Andrew wants.
It's your timeline that matters.
You have to make your own decision about this and about how to get out of your room, which you may find yourself locked into.
Oh, no.
It's so easy to sneak out by just unlocking My imagination, which can take me anywhere.
And I think I've made my decision.
Mom! They keep hitting me long after I said I can feel it! (GRUNTING) Eve, you were trying to stall me.
That's what this is all about! I'm sorry! My hair is tingling.
Tingling! That's a weird word.
It's got so many "ings.
" (GIGGLING) Yeah! Take that! (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Mike.
Where the hell is Harris? I could be home with my kids right now.
It's "build your own pizza" night.
Uh, is he hitting on that girl? No, no.
She's just a she's a fan.
A news fan.
A fan of offscreen news producers? She really reads those credits.
Why is she handing him her number? Oh, that That That's for me.
(LAUGHS) I'm cheating on my wife.
I have been for years.
God, it feels good to come clean.
Hey, there.
Call me.
Think she's too young to know what this means? I'm hanging up now.
Dennis Eckersley? Please.
Mariano Rivera's the best closer in history.
Unless you count me.
Harris.
(CLEARING THROAT) What are you doing? You're engaged.
Whoa! Engaged? No.
Yes.
No.
He He's just hitting on you as proxy for me, because I cheat on my wife.
This is too weird.
I'm out of here.
Oh.
RUSSEL: Harris, what the hell's going on? It's not Harris' fault.
I wanted to have a party for him, but you guys were so busy that I said he was getting engaged because, because Otherwise, we would have told you ourselves! It's me, Rhonda.
Pam.
Rhonda Pam.
Rhonda comma Pam.
She inverts her name because she's Because I'm a junior college registrar! (LAUGHING) Hey, honey.
(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) This night is full of surprises.
So are we just going to stand around or we going to go see some strippers, huh? Let's go.
Huh? Huh? Get in the limo, you choads! Come on.
Don't you tell Tia.
Stop bringing up Tia's name.
The first round's on me! First round's actually on you.
Thanks.
And what are you doing here, by the way? (SQUEAKS) I Well, this is about right.
Just some stuff from our registry.
(LAUGHS) So excited! Sometimes, when it comes to the people you love, it's tempting to jump in and try to fix their lives.
God, kids are monsters.
Yep.
Why did I give them soda? You know, they just poured it onto the pizza.
It doesn't even make any sense.
Ugh! Keep it down.
Mom, I'm sorry that I made up all that stuff to distract you.
A web of lies, none of which were true.
It's okay.
I should have known that you wouldn't open up to me about something like that.
You're not having sex this weekend.
MIKE: But that's not your job.
That's not your place.
At best, all you can do is be there for them.
You're right, mom.
I'm not.
(SILENTLY) Thank God.
Oh, somebody slept in.
How was last night? MIKE: And be grateful they're there for you.
What's that for? Just lucky to have you.
And I never want to cheat on you with a cocktail waitress.
Thanks? (KNOCKING AT DOOR) Oh, hey! Hey.
Listen, you really saved me last night.
Li brought you a hangover smoothie to say thanks.
Oh, how sweet.
Banana? Mango.
Oh, it's okay.
I'll finish it.
All right, thanks so much for stopping by.
Did you put this in last night when you were drunk? 'Cause 'Cause 'Cause Oof.
Um, yeah, yeah.
All right.
I'll see you later, okay? (STAMMERING) Love you.
Bye.
Ikea stuff is confusing.
It's easier said than done.
MIKE: Because ultimately you can't predict what'll make other people happy.
I think you did a great job.
Oh, yeah? (CHUCKLING) Yeah.
Mmm.
I don't know what he's talking about.
It looks great, huh? We'll just take these parts I didn't use and put them in a drawer.
(LAUGHS) "Deflukanani.
" You know what I'm saying? (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)
I'm kind of, like, "Yay!", but I'm kind of, like, "What?" Oh, got to go.
The bear is taking the hotdogs.
Was that code? Am I the bear? No.
You're the hotdogs.
I don't want to be the hotdogs! What's the bear? Hey, honey.
Hey.
Did you know I have a code name? Yeah, you're the hotdogs.
Everybody knows that.
Did you get all the stuff for Graham's slumber party? Yeah.
I got everything on the list.
I had to go to three different stores, but luckily they were nowhere near each other.
Oh, good.
You've got stickers.
You've got clay.
You've got, um, what are these? That's scissors for the crafts.
Mike, I said safety scissors.
What have you done? When Ian and Eve were kids, I let them do whatever they wanted during slumber parties.
But then Amy Ruben fell and cut her chin on the coffee table.
Blood everywhere.
Cool! It was like an episode of Nip/Tuck.
Also, I let them watch an episode of Nip/Tuck.
Do these look safe to you? Well, not with that look in your eye.
Hey, guys.
I have a favor to ask.
Where'd he go? You know, for a guy with Parkinson's, he can move really quick when he wants to.
What's the favor? Well, you know that article I wrote on Ikea storage solutions? Uh, let's just say yeah and keep on moving.
Well, I just got paid.
Nice! But then I spent all the money I made on Ikea storage solutions.
So can I borrow the car to go to Ikea? You don't have a driver's license.
Fair enough.
Thanks anyway, Annie.
I'm leaving now! (STOMPING FEET) She gone? Oh.
Gotcha! That's what you call Where did he go? (UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING) Da, da, da Da, da, da Da, da, da, da Da, da, da Da, da, da There he is, Mr.
"Excellence in journalism.
" Ah, well, only according to the national press organization.
But they are the foremost authority on the matter.
Hey, Mike, I saw you putting lotion on earlier.
That's real bronze, man.
You're gonna grease it up.
Whew.
So what are you going to do to mark the occasion? Well, I'm treating myself to this French bread pizza.
Come on, man.
It's on a scrap of looseleaf.
Aren't you even going to get a plate? (MUMBLING) Anyway, I think we should get the guys together and celebrate.
It's hard getting them together these days.
Remember my 40th? Huh? No one came.
At least we had the roller rink to ourselves.
Ah.
Two guys grapevining all alone.
That was sad.
Mike, I'm serious.
I don't need to do anything big.
The center's frozen.
Well, I'll just eat through.
All right, overruled.
I'm throwing you a party.
We'll go to a great steakhouse.
We'll get a private room.
Private room? Are you talking like a stone wine cellar with its own thermostat? And I can just whimsically choose malbecs all night long? That's oddly specific, but, yeah, sure.
Why not? We'll get a limo for the ride over.
Oh, oh, with floor lighting.
Yeah.
And the guy up front has to wear a little cap.
Do you want to plan this? Whatever you do is going to be fine.
Just make it good, because I've been looking forward to this party for minutes.
Annie Henry, back in the slumber party game.
New York, make some noise! (MOCK CHEERING) My mom's slumber parties were epic, and I was the king.
When the other kids were picking dare, I always picked truth.
What were they all running from? Mom, what can we do to help? Maybe put some books away so the shelves are easier to climb? No.
The books are part of the challenge.
Graham, go get more books.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, lan, I cannot be the bad mom again.
I found this thing online about how to throw a safe slumber party.
What? Okay, this is for six year olds.
Graham's eight and 1/4.
(MUMBLING) Look at him, poor slob.
Doesn't even know the storm that's coming.
Come on, Richie.
You sure you can't make it? Mike, is it safe for me to hire a guy from Craigslist with a windowless van to drive me to a remote area? I'm on the phone.
He underlined "windowless," which seems to send a weird message.
I've got the phone right, right up right up to my ear.
Yeah, what was that? Okay.
Okay.
Thanks anyway.
Bye.
Oh, sorry.
Were you on the phone? Harris won this big award, and I'm trying to throw a party for him, but none of the guys can make it.
Of course not.
Oh, sure, people show up for weddings or baby showers, but no one has time for a single person's accomplishments.
Oh, good.
I hit a sore spot.
I've spent, like, $30,000 on bridesmaid related activities, but have any of those bitches come to even one of my readings? No.
It's always, like, "Oh, my in-laws are in town," or, "My kids have a playdate," or, "My husband was just diagnosed with Parkinson's.
" I feel like one of those is about me.
The point is, if it's not a major life event, no one's going to show up.
Well, I wish you would have told me that before I rented a huge limo for Saturday night.
Huge limo? Mike, you need to make this happen for Harris.
(WHISPERING) For Harris.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON COMPUTER) Mom's ruining Graham's slumber party.
We need to save it.
Pass.
Come on.
You throw one bad slumber party, and you're a pariah.
Real talk Graham's kind of a weirdo.
If we want him to be cool like I was Uh, when was that again? Third through fifth, when it counts.
Sorry.
I have plans with Andrew.
Ooh! Eve and Andrew, sittin' in a Wait.
Why am I razzin' you? It's counter-productive to my goals.
All you need to do is to distract mom.
I can't.
I have a life.
The life of a big dumb idiot.
Damn it.
Why do I keep burning you so hard? Seriously I really need your help, ugh! Come on, Russel, Harris would be so thrilled if you could be there.
I'm sorry, Mike.
But you know how it is, brother.
I got ballet recitals to go to, play sets to build.
I got a possum in my attic I'm supposed to humanely trap.
You ever seen possums, man? If I'm going at a possum, I'm going at it.
Yeah, sure, of course.
I just don't think I'm going to be able to make it.
You send Harris my best, though, all right? What if I told you that we were celebrating a major life event? A major life event? Like what, an engagement or something? Well Oh, my God.
Are you telling me the big dog is finally getting engaged? Well, what if I What if I told you the big dog won a prestigious journalism award? Oh! Wow.
Okay, yeah.
Can't make that one.
Okay, no.
What if I told you you were right the first time and the award was just a joke? Mike, are you serious? What? Give me a break.
I'm desperate.
This is a game changer, buddy.
Look, I will make sure to get all the guys there.
Great.
Uh, I'll see you there, and, oh, don't tell Harris, 'cause it's a huge, huge, huge, huge surprise.
Are you happy with how that went? Foam your own corners.
Come on, hit me.
One left! I'd stand still for you, but it's medically impossible.
Thanks for the ride, Amir.
Oh, come on.
That is priceless.
Ah, it's not exactly priceless.
I had to pay him 30 bucks to do that.
Hey, thanks again for talking me into this, Mike.
You really got everyone to come out? I just told the guys it was a big moment for you, although some of the specifics may have changed a little bit.
Congratulations, brother! Hey.
I can't believe you got engaged! Engaged? There he is, the man of the hour! (ALL CHEERING) Ah! She's a lucky gal.
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Whose name is Pam, by the way.
Uh-huh.
What were you thinking, Mike? You told everyone I was engaged? No, Russel assumed you were engaged, and I didn't know for a fact that you wouldn't be engaged by tonight, so I went along.
What? You're missing the big point here.
What's important is the guys are here to celebrate you.
And apparently Pam.
And why'd you go with Pam? Do I look like somebody who would be married to a Pam? I'll have you know I have a very attractive aunt named Pam.
Hey, big dog! Come on, over here, baby! Come on, shots on me.
All right.
Maybe I can make this work.
And then later I'm going to make that work.
Now, eyes forward, big fella.
You're engaged now.
(GROANS) ANNIE: Aidan, no, no, no, no, no, no, buddy.
This stays taped down, all right? This paper could slice your hand wide open.
(SIGHS) After this party, I'm going to be so cool, even cooler than Spencer, and he ate a bunch of ants.
Pfft.
Sounds like a dare man to me.
Ah, well, there she goes, my ex-sister, putting joes before bros.
Joes means guys.
Bros means actual brothers.
Ian, calm down.
Graham will be fine.
Okay, guys, DVD time.
We've got Black Beauty and Black Stallion.
(ALL GROANING) Interesting tidbit here not played by the same horse.
I guess knowledge is the best party favor, huh? (CLICKS TONGUE) Knowledge sucks.
I don't even know why I came to this stupid party.
ALL: Yeah! All right, I'm in.
Mom, I really need to talk to you for a second.
(SOFTLY) What? I'm kind of in the middle of this.
So I'm thinking about transferring classes.
I hear Miss Lupinacci gives out automatic 100s if you bring in a present for her cat.
Uh, I don't want you anywhere near her.
She sleeps face down on the couch in the teachers' lounge.
All right, butt faces, this party's about to get real.
You won't be needing this kid stuff anymore.
I worked really hard on that.
Hey, I'm Leigh.
Sorry, ma'am.
I'm not interested.
Wait, did you think I was Oh, you did think I was a That is so sweet.
No.
No.
I'm Mike Henry's sister, and, since limo rides extend to immediate family, I need you to take me to Ikea.
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
I don't think so.
No, no.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa! Whoa! I have dated my share of limo drivers, and it seems to me that your luxury vehicle license is out of date.
So, listen, don't make me report you to the taxi and limousine commission, numbers of which I have also dated.
(DOOR CLICKS) See? Now that wasn't so hard.
Uh, ma'am, there's 700 empty square feet back there.
Yes, of course.
The next think I know, Harris is being chased down the street by half the L.
A.
Rams' offensive line.
(LAUGHING) How was I supposed to know that cheerleader was dating the quarterback, huh? Well, that's the most they protected him all season.
Yeah! Hey, honey.
Yeah, I'm going to be a little late tonight.
Yeah, this party's actually working out.
Great.
So should I pick out a dress for the fake wedding? Don't be crazy.
Pam's going to realize she's a lesbian in six months.
Wait, hold up.
We still have not seen a picture of Pam, your fiancée.
Come on.
Give it up.
No, I I Oh, gotta go.
My camera don't work on my phone.
Harris, you can't show a picture of your bride before the big day.
It's bad luck.
I don't know if that's a thing, Mike.
Like you know all the things, Russel.
I can't believe this guy's finally tying the knot.
I mean, I gotta be honest, Harris.
I didn't know if you'd get your act together.
What's wrong with my act? Nothing.
It's just that you you're the big dog.
You know, love 'em and leave 'em, amuse 'em and lose 'em.
You know, we're just happy that you finally grew out of it.
We were getting kind of worried about you.
Worried? Not worried, just concerned that your life would be empty and without purpose, and you'd be alone forever.
Huh.
And that's all, huh? Let's not split hairs, fellas.
When it comes down to it, we all die alone.
Who wants shrimp? Garçon! And all this time I thought it was "all intensive purposes.
" Hmm.
What a rube.
Well, I'm glad I could clear that up for you.
I didn't know that you cared so much about grammar.
Yeah, well, I just want to do good on my SATs.
KIDS: (SCREAMING) Yeah! (LOUD CRASH) Oh, God! I got to get back out there.
Hang on.
What? I'd run through all the things that usually distract mom.
I was going to have to start freestyling.
All I'm saying is, Putin wouldn't be president if he weren't a good guy.
Is there such a thing as a super period? If you think about it, guac really does sound like a racial slur.
Pierced nose, eyebrow, or, uh, this chin meat down here? You're not piercing anything.
Now I want to circle back around to this whole super period issue.
The rules are simple.
One person gets in a sleeping bag filled with pillows, and the others hit him harder and harder until he can feel it.
It's called, "Can you feel it?" Did I really want to spend my entire night saving Graham's slumber party? No.
But this wasn't about me.
I'll go first.
I don't mind getting in there.
Oh, my leg's already in there, buddy.
I just got to adjust this thing down here together.
Whoa! Oh! And I know it's just a song, but it raises an important question, "Who did let the dogs out?" I Okay.
I guess I can hear what you're saying.
I just Why are we talking about this? (THUDS) (CHILDREN EXCLAIMING) What was that? (ALL SHOUTING) Hey! Hey, I'm not up yet.
Yeah! This is pretty fun! Hey, seriously! I didn't put the blankets in yet.
I have been in here forever.
This is crazy! Wait! I'm thinking of having sex this weekend.
Whoa.
That last thing was actually true.
So on behalf of all of us, Harris Courtney Wright, welcome to the club of marriage.
Your life begins now.
ALL: Here, here! That's right.
Cheers! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Harris' life began a long time ago.
In fact, here's a toast to Harris' old life.
Nothing to tie him down, TiVo full of his own shows, fridge full of every kind of mustard you can think of.
Bourbon dijon.
That's one.
All right, Mike.
And if Pam were to fall out of the picture, maybe due to her open-minded attitudes about sex, well, I think Harris would still do fine.
Hey! Don't scare him, Mike! Look, friends come and go, but your wife is the only one who is there for you always.
Exactly my point.
She'll always be there.
Always.
You know, I don't know what I would do without Tia.
You know, she tells me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.
What about the endless errands, the emotional clinginess? What are you talking about? Annie? Mike, your wife is so chill, she's practically a guy.
Until the doors close, and then she's all woman.
And not in a good way, either.
In fact, if I had it all to do over again Now, Mike, just stop.
I think I've heard enough toasts for now.
You know, Tia's the one who got me off online shopping.
She put that mirror up, and I didn't like what I saw.
And I just love her so Oh, give it a rest.
I don't even know what to say.
Sex is a big deal.
How had I gotten myself into this? I had a flawless plan, and somehow she turned it on me.
It's almost as if I'm not actually as smart as I think I am.
No, that's not it.
You know what? Let's just forget about that.
I was just kidding.
Got you good! You should see your face.
Seriously, what have you guys done so far? We talkin' south of the equator? Okay! Top stuff? Uh, let's, let's It's getting late.
Let's go check on that party.
Oh, no.
I'm sure they're fine.
Ian's got it under control.
(ALL CLAMORING) Ow! Ah! Hey, I found another bat! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! That's not a wiffle! Not a wiffle! Ahh! What do you mean some blonde woman took my limo? Well, let me talk to her.
Hey, Harris! Leigh! You took my limo? Borrowed.
And technically I was supposed to have another hour and a half.
Why do you need it back so soon? Well, this party's a disaster.
Mike invented a fake fiancée to get my friends to come out.
Mike thought of that? It may sound like a good idea, but all they're doing is ragging on my single life.
Ugh! Married people are the worst.
Listen, Harris, hang in there, okay? And about the limo You got five minutes.
Got it.
MIKE: Harris, there you are.
Hey.
Listen, I'm sorry, man.
I screwed up.
I thought the guys would come out just for the award, but they No, it's all right.
You were just trying to do something nice.
On the bright side, now I know what my friends really think of me.
Nah, come on.
That's not what they think of you.
No, it is.
Maybe they're right.
At the end of the day, I got nobody to come home to.
You chose a path that a lot of guys would envy.
And And maybe one day, you'll choose another path.
But, in the meantime, it's not like you don't have options.
You think so? Yeah, like the cute waitress over there that's been smiling at you all night.
Oh.
Okay.
You know what? I like those options.
But if this works out, don't tell Pam.
I already didn't tell her.
It seemed like a good idea, but now that the weekend's here, I'm not so sure.
I'm glad that you and I are close enough that we can talk about your sexuality.
Oh, please don't say that.
Okay, it's just (SIGHS) I'm relieved that you feel that you can come to me when you're having problems with a lover.
That's worse! I'm sorry! I'm sorr It's just (SIGHS) This is hard for me too.
Okay? I mean, you're my little girl.
You know, forget about what Andrew wants.
It's your timeline that matters.
You have to make your own decision about this and about how to get out of your room, which you may find yourself locked into.
Oh, no.
It's so easy to sneak out by just unlocking My imagination, which can take me anywhere.
And I think I've made my decision.
Mom! They keep hitting me long after I said I can feel it! (GRUNTING) Eve, you were trying to stall me.
That's what this is all about! I'm sorry! My hair is tingling.
Tingling! That's a weird word.
It's got so many "ings.
" (GIGGLING) Yeah! Take that! (ALL SCREAMING) Hey, Mike.
Where the hell is Harris? I could be home with my kids right now.
It's "build your own pizza" night.
Uh, is he hitting on that girl? No, no.
She's just a she's a fan.
A news fan.
A fan of offscreen news producers? She really reads those credits.
Why is she handing him her number? Oh, that That That's for me.
(LAUGHS) I'm cheating on my wife.
I have been for years.
God, it feels good to come clean.
Hey, there.
Call me.
Think she's too young to know what this means? I'm hanging up now.
Dennis Eckersley? Please.
Mariano Rivera's the best closer in history.
Unless you count me.
Harris.
(CLEARING THROAT) What are you doing? You're engaged.
Whoa! Engaged? No.
Yes.
No.
He He's just hitting on you as proxy for me, because I cheat on my wife.
This is too weird.
I'm out of here.
Oh.
RUSSEL: Harris, what the hell's going on? It's not Harris' fault.
I wanted to have a party for him, but you guys were so busy that I said he was getting engaged because, because Otherwise, we would have told you ourselves! It's me, Rhonda.
Pam.
Rhonda Pam.
Rhonda comma Pam.
She inverts her name because she's Because I'm a junior college registrar! (LAUGHING) Hey, honey.
(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) This night is full of surprises.
So are we just going to stand around or we going to go see some strippers, huh? Let's go.
Huh? Huh? Get in the limo, you choads! Come on.
Don't you tell Tia.
Stop bringing up Tia's name.
The first round's on me! First round's actually on you.
Thanks.
And what are you doing here, by the way? (SQUEAKS) I Well, this is about right.
Just some stuff from our registry.
(LAUGHS) So excited! Sometimes, when it comes to the people you love, it's tempting to jump in and try to fix their lives.
God, kids are monsters.
Yep.
Why did I give them soda? You know, they just poured it onto the pizza.
It doesn't even make any sense.
Ugh! Keep it down.
Mom, I'm sorry that I made up all that stuff to distract you.
A web of lies, none of which were true.
It's okay.
I should have known that you wouldn't open up to me about something like that.
You're not having sex this weekend.
MIKE: But that's not your job.
That's not your place.
At best, all you can do is be there for them.
You're right, mom.
I'm not.
(SILENTLY) Thank God.
Oh, somebody slept in.
How was last night? MIKE: And be grateful they're there for you.
What's that for? Just lucky to have you.
And I never want to cheat on you with a cocktail waitress.
Thanks? (KNOCKING AT DOOR) Oh, hey! Hey.
Listen, you really saved me last night.
Li brought you a hangover smoothie to say thanks.
Oh, how sweet.
Banana? Mango.
Oh, it's okay.
I'll finish it.
All right, thanks so much for stopping by.
Did you put this in last night when you were drunk? 'Cause 'Cause 'Cause Oof.
Um, yeah, yeah.
All right.
I'll see you later, okay? (STAMMERING) Love you.
Bye.
Ikea stuff is confusing.
It's easier said than done.
MIKE: Because ultimately you can't predict what'll make other people happy.
I think you did a great job.
Oh, yeah? (CHUCKLING) Yeah.
Mmm.
I don't know what he's talking about.
It looks great, huh? We'll just take these parts I didn't use and put them in a drawer.
(LAUGHS) "Deflukanani.
" You know what I'm saying? (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)