The Simpsons s01e12 Episode Script

Hey, kids! Who do you love? - Krusty! - How much do you love me? With all our hearts! What would you do if I went off the air? We'd kill ourselves! What's that, Sideshow Bob? This is Brittany and today's her birthday? Well, happy birthday, Brittany! How do you want to celebrate? Do you want me to sing you a birthday song? Or do you want me to shoot Sideshow Bob out of a cannon? The cannon.
The cannon.
- The cannon.
The cannon.
- The cannon.
Sorry, Sideshow Bob, but it's her special birthday wish! You're doomed, Sideshow Bob.
I know we haven't had much luck shooting you out of this cannon, but maybe that's because we haven't used enough gunpowder! Brittany, do the honors.
Don't blame me.
I didn't do it.
Comedy, thy name is Krusty.
Hey, kids, it's time for Itchy and Scratchy! They fight, they bite They bite and fight and bite Fight, fight, fight Bite, bite, bite The Itchy and Scratchy Show Oh, my! All this senseless violence.
- I don't understand its appeal.
- We don't expect you to, Mom.
If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.
Y'ello.
Hello, Homie.
I was hoping you could pick up a half-gallon of premium ice cream on your way home from work.
Ooh, premium-- Wait a minute.
Why? Patty and Selma are coming over to show us slides from their trip to the Yucatan.
Doh! - Anybody home? - Ooh, I've got to go, Homer.
My sisters are here.
Oh, eight carousels! We're in for a real treat.
Hello, steady customer.
How are you this evening, sir? How ya doin', Apu? - Hello, steady customer.
How are you this evening, sir? - How ya doin', Apu? New flavor-- triple chocolate! Perhaps a little something for the trip back to the cash register.
What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.
The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slideshow starring my wife's sisters.
Or as I call 'em, the Gruesome Twosome.
- Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid, clumsy-- - Sorry, pal.
Hand over all your money in a paper bag.
Yes, yes.
I know the procedure for armed robbery.
I do work in a convenience store, you know.
You can emerge now from my chips.
The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.
- This is our tour group.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is a Mexican delicacy called a taco platter.
- Mmm, delicious.
- This is Selma taking a siesta.
- "Ay, carumba!" And he had a big nose.
No, bigger.
And big red hair that came out to-- - Yeah, yeah, like that! - Well, it is a simple, charcoal rendering, but, uh, - is this the man? - Yeah! wait a minute.
It's the guy from TV! My kid's hero, Cruddy, Crummy-- Krusty the Clown! Ahh.
Hey, hey, what's goin' on here? Krusty the Clown, you're under arrest for armed robbery.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say-- - Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
- What is this, a joke? - Ready, Mr.
Simpson? - Yes, sir.
Send in the clowns.
So, Simpson, which one is it? Well, if the crime is making me laugh, they're all guilty! - No, no! Which one is the robber? - Oh, definitely number Simpson.
- Simpson! - four.
And this is all the mail that awaited us upon our return.
And this is Selma dropping of four vacation film to be developed.
Thus concludes our Mexican odyssey.
Hmm.
Very thorough.
I'm home, everybody! -Oh, goody gumdrops.
-You missed the whole slide show, Homer.
Oh, fantastic.
Marge, you're never gonna believe what happened.
I was down at the Kwik-E-Mart minding my own business when-- Ooh, ooh, ooh, the news! Springfield's number one news team with our Emmy Award-winning anchorman Kent Brockman, Good evening, I'm Scott Christian.
Kent Brockman is off tonight.
Why did the clown cross the road? To rob a Kwik-E-Mart.
The news story behind that enigmatic half-joke right after this commercial message.
Wait a minute.
Bart, you know that guy on your lunch box? Oh, you mean, Krusty the Clown? - He's sort of a hero of yours, isn't he? - Are you kidding? He's my idol.
I've based my whole life on Krusty's teachings.
- Uh, maybe you'd better run off to bed.
- Krusty the Clown is behind bars after a daring twilight robbery of a local Kwik-E-Mart.
- Krusty! - Oh, no! Earlier this evening, the Springfield SWAT team apprehended the TV clown, who appears on a rival station opposite our own Emmy Award-winning Hobo Hank.
And just in, actual footage of the crime taken with the Kwik-E-Mart security camera.
The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters.
Or as I call 'em, the Gruesome Twosome.
- Oh, Homer.
- So, the truth comes out.
- Hand over all your money in a paper bag.
- Oh, Krusty, how could you? I know it looks very bad, honey.
Who knows, maybe it'll turn out he was innocent all along.
Earth to Marge.
Earth to Marge.
I was there.
The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y.
- You're my best friend.
- Thanks, Krusty.
Buy my cereal.
Buy my cereal.
I didn't do it! Oh, I wish I could believe you.
Good evening, again, Springfield.
Krusty the Clown, the beloved idol of countless tots, now nothing more than a common, alleged criminal.
His trial, which begins tomorrow, has taken center ring in a national media circus as children of all ages from eight to 80 hang on each new development like so many Romanian trapeze artists.
From his humble beginnings as a street mime in Tupelo, Mississippi, Krusty clowned his way to the top of a personal mini-empire with dozens of endorsements, including his own line of pork products.
This may have led to one of television's best-loved bloopers-- Krusty's near-fatal, on-the-air heart attack in 1986.
Wasn't that a great Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, kids? Well, we've got another one coming right up.
But first, I've got a hankerin' for some pork products.
Mmm.
Look.
Plump succulent sausage, honey-smoked bacon and glistening, sizzling-- I'm dying.
I'm dying.
But a quick triple bypass and a pacemaker later, Krusty bounced back.
However, he was a changed clown.
Where his show had been condemned by parents and educators alike as simpleminded TV mayhem, this new Krusty devoted a small portion of every show to stamping out illiteracy in today's anything-for-a-thrill youth.
Give a hoot.
Read a book.
Krusty's arrest has sent shockwaves through Springfield, packing its churches, synagogues and mosques with disillusioned citizeny from all walks of life.
I urge every halfway decent member of our community to gather up all merchandise that bears the likeness of Krusty, that clown prince of corruption, and join me in a public burning! So, is Krusty the Clown about to trade in his baggy pants for the relatively snug uniform of Springfield Penitentiary? We'll find out tomorrow when his trial begins.
- Uh, what kind of gun did you use? - Did you use an accomplice? Will you plead insanity? Look at him.
His clothes are so drab.
His face is so flesh-colored and sad.
And his feet, they're so small.
Say it ain't so, Krusty.
My client has no comment at this time.
I didn't do it.
- Krusty the Clown, how do you plead? - I plead guilty, Your Honor.
Oh.
I mean, not guilty.
Opening night jitters, Your Honor.
I would like to call to the stand, Homer J.
Simpson.
Don't do it, Dad.
Please don't do it.
Sorry, son.
You'll understand one day.
He's innocent, I tell you.
Krusty would never do something like that.
Oh, come on, Dad.
You got to listen to me.
Sorry, pal.
Doh! Mr.
Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of heavily-salted snack treats? - Yes, sir.
- Do you recognize the gunman in this courtroom today? - Yes, I do.
- Fine.
Would you point him out to us? Okay.
Aaah! - Oh, man.
- Let the record show that the witness eventually pointed to Krusty the Clown.
These toys are just adorable.
Who'd have guessed they were inspired by an insane criminal genius? But, Dad, you're giving in to mob mentality.
No, I'm not! I'm hopping on the bandwagon.
Now, come on, son.
Get with the winning team.
Hey, right here! Krusty souvenirs! Buy 'em and burn 'em! Good people, I'm so happy you're all here tonight.
But please, just a few words of caution.
Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly.
So, please stand back, and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.
Ooh! Krusty, would you please turn your attention to Exhibit B.
- Uh-- - Tell me what you see.
Uh, uh-- Which one do you mean? The one with the big "B" on it.
- Uh, uh, uh-- - What's the matter? Can't you read? No, I can't! I can't read or write! I admit it! I'm totally illiterate.
Now are you happy? Can it be that the champion of child literacy can't even read himself? Is it a crime to be illiterate? All right, all right.
See this, Krusty? This is a B.
And this is Exhibit B.
Betting slips-- obtained by this court indicating you have lost substantial sums of money on sports gambling.
Is it a crime to bet on sporting events? - Yes, it is! - Oh.
- Foreperson, have you reached a verdict? - Yes, we have, Your Honor.
We find the defendant, Krusty the Clown guilty.
I knew it! This happens to me every time.
My young friends, for years I have been silent save for the crude glissandos of this primitive wind instrument.
But now, destiny has thrust me into the center ring.
In the coming weeks, you will notice some rather sweeping changes in our program.
Please do not be alarmed.
Itchy and Scratchy will still have a home here.
But we will also learn about nutrition, self-esteem, etiquette -and all the lively arts.
- What the hell are you doing, Lis? I'm watching Sideshow Bob.
He's a lot less patronizing than Krusty used to be.
- You backstabber, you traitor, you-- - Snap out of it, Bart! Face the facts.
All those hours we spent staring at Krusty, we were staring at a crook.
Look, Lisa.
I know Krusty's innocent.
Don't ask me why.
It's just a feeling I have.
- Oh, Bart.
- Come on, Lisa.
I think I can prove Krusty's innocent, but I need your help.
- You do? Why? - Oh, come on, Lis.
You know why.
- No, why? - I'll never forgive you for making me say this.
You're smarter than me.
- So, you with me? - Yeah, man.
Oh, oh.
Okay, okay.
Don't try anything funny.
I'm armed to the teeth.
Bart, look, over here on the microwave.
So, I don't have a pacemaker.
Come on, Bart.
The tape showed that the robber heated up a burrito.
- So? - Don't you remember the get-well card we sent to Krusty? It was after his heart attack - when he had a pacemaker put in.
- Aha! Wait a minute.
Krusty can't read.
Okay! Okay! So the poor guy can't read.
Can't we get off his back, already? No! Don't you get it, Bart? How could Krusty have been reading a magazine if he can't read? Hey, hey.
This is not a lending library! If you're not going to buy that thing put it down, or I'll blow your heads off! Bart, I'm starting to think you're right.
Krusty was framed! - Did he have any enemies? - I don't know.
But I know someone who would-- Krusty's best friend in the whole world, Sideshow Bob! "A volley of muskety flamed, thundered, roared.
" A profound silence followed, broken only by the approaching footsteps "- of the Third Brigade.
" Next week, chapter 35 of The Man in the Iron Mask: "The Death of a Titan.
" Well, kids, that's our show for today.
And now, in the words of Mr.
Cole Porter.
Evey time we say good-bye I die a little Evey time we say good-bye I wonder why a little Evey time we say Good-bye Good-bye.
Great show, Sideshow.
Switchboards were jammed.
The kids loved it.
Thanks, Ed.
I glad we've finally dispelled the myth that I'm too uptown for the tots.
And yet, I can't help thinking about poor Krusty.
- We see your face on key chains.
- And water-action pens.
- And snow domes.
- This is all very exciting, but I think we'd do well to explore the more upscale market.
For instance, Sideshow Bob limited-edition prints, collector's plates, - commemorative coins.
- Ah.
Some kids are here to see you, Sideshow Bob.
They say it's important.
Ah, well, we can sign these contracts tomorrow.
Certainly.
I take great pride in being able to sign my own name.
That's a good one.
I gotta tell the wife.
- Hi, Sideshow Bob.
- Sideshow Bob, can we ask you a few-- Forgive me.
As much as Sideshow Bob would love to chat, he has a show starting.
Here you go-- three tickets.
Be my guests.
- Uh, okay.
But-- - Come, come.
Let's run along.
Hello, children.
- Whom do you love? - Sideshow Bob! Come on, Bart.
Go with the flow.
- How much do you love me? - With all our hearts! About a zillionth as much as I love Krusty.
Today's show promises to be a marvelous celebration of the human spirit.
But first, I regret to say I see a youngster who looks troubled.
- What's your name, young man? - Bart Simpson, sir.
Hmm.
Well, perhaps we can shed some light on your problem in a new segment exploring preadolescent turmoil.
- I call it "Choices.
" - I don't think so, sir.
Bart, I'm reaching out to you.
So, what's on your mind, Bart? - I bet the other children don't accept you.
- True, Sideshow Bob.
But that doesn't bother me.
You see, my sisters and I have been doing a little investigating, and it looks to us like Krusty was framed.
- Framed? - Well, the videotape showed that the thief used the microwave oven at the Kwik-E-Mart.
But Krusty couldn't go near the thing, not with his pacemaker.
Well, you know, Bart.
As much as I love Krusty, he was never one to take doctor's orders too seriously.
Well, maybe, but get this.
Krusty was illiterate, and the guy who robbed the store was reading the Springfield Review of Books.
Ah, well, Bart.
The fact is, you don't have to be able to read to enjoy the Springfield Review of Books.
Just look at these amusing caricatures of Gore Vidal and Susan Sontag.
Yeah, I guess those are kind of funny.
Bart, children, this whole sordid affair has been a shock to all of us.
But we must get on with our lives.
Let's try to remember Krusty, not as a hardened criminal, but as that lovable jester who honked his horn and puttered around in his little car.
- And shot you out of a cannon.
- And shot me out of a cannon.
Yes, we will never forget that, will we? Bart, open you heart.
I admit I have some mighty big shoes to fill.
Big shoes to fill.
Big shoes to fill.
Big shoes to fill.
Big shoes to fill.
Big shoes to fill.
Big shoes to fill.
Big shoes to fill-- In ancient Greece, there was a school of thought called stoicism.
Wait a minute! You did it! - Excuse me? - Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't rob that store! Sideshow Bob framed him, and I got proof! Ow! My foot! You lousy, stupid, clumsy-- - See that? Krusty wore big floppy shoes, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people! Sideshow Bob really fills his shoes with big ugly feet.
- Kid's right.
- How do you figure we missed that? Get off your duffs, boys.
Get down to that studio! Yes, I admit it.
I hated him! His hackneyed shenanigans robbed me of my dignity for years.
I played the buffoon while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites.
That's why I framed Krusty! And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for these meddling kids.
- Take him away, boys.
- Treat kids as equals! They're people too! They're smarter than you think.
They were smart enough to catch me! Well, we made a terrible, terrible mistake.
Uh, it won't happen again.
- It better not, you dimwit! - Krusty, I'm man enough to admit I was wrong, and I'm sorry I fingered you in court.
I sincerely hope that the horrible stories I heard about what goes on in prison are exaggerated.
Well, the important thing is that I regain the trust of the children.
But there was one boy who trusted me all along.
Bart? - Yes, sir? - Thank you.
Shh.