The Tick (1994) s01e12 Episode Script
The Tick vs. the Proto Clown
[Alarm buzzing.]
[Sign buzzing.]
So, son, you bored yet? [Reel whirring.]
[Boy.]
Dad Hmm Getting a little choppy.
Dad, did you see that? Nope.
The city sleeps uneasily tonight as unconfirmed reports trickle in.
Apparently, there have been several sightings, once again, unconfirmed, of the spidery steel mobile home belonging to the 20th century's most notorious supervillain, - [man screams.]
- The Terror.
The Terror, pictured here with infamous Soviet dictator, Joseph Stalin, burst upon the supervillain scene early in the summer of 103 in a legendary fight, with then President, Theodore Roosevelt.
This began an unparalleled career of epic wrongdoings.
Paris, Lima, Deertown.
No corner of the globe is safe from The Terror's reign of - [man screams.]
Terror.
Last sighted in 176, The Terror, still holding a grudge, tried to punch out Mount Rushmore.
Could The Terror be back? [On TV.]
Tonight, a terrifie city cringes in its collective pajamas.
More, as it evelops.
Mmm [gulps.]
Yes, destiny has her hand on my back, and she's pushing.
Face to face with the legendary Terror.
Oh, come on.
The guy's gotta be, what, 115? Evil, chum, is ever green.
Besides, these are just unconfirmed reports.
[Coughing.]
Unconfirmed? What are the odds? We've got to upgrade the apparatus.
We've got to get cool new superhero stuff - to battle this all-encompassing evil.
- [Groans.]
And who's gonna pay for all this cool new stuff? That's not the point.
Step one.
We must choose battle cries.
The cries we emit just before leaping into battle.
Oh, you mean like, "Not in the face, not in the face"? Hmm Lacks force, chum.
No, more like, uh spoon! - Mmm I don't get it.
- Spoon! Look, I'm just a sidekick.
[Arthur.]
I don't know, Dot, it's some kind of crime-busting tower.
We're upgrading our apparatus.
It's been going on like this all week.
[Tick chuckling.]
Swinging! I just I just don't know if I can afford it.
[Speaking inistinct.]
The Tick doesn't make any money.
He's a superhero.
Whoa.
Well, "I told you so" doesn't help.
It works, Arthur! Dot, you're my sister.
Try to be a little supportive.
Arthur, is that your fine sister on the phone? Tell her we need her car.
We've got to deliver something to city hall.
[Man.]
Welcome, supervillains.
I have gathered you here to form the most beautifully unbalanced engine of evil in history.
[Coughing.]
Now, then, you all know me [coughing.]
The Terror.
But let me introduce your new colleagues in crime.
On my left, Tuun-La Not of this Earth.
The human race is an inferior species.
I will destroy you all.
[Laughing.]
Yes, yes.
And next to Tuun-La, my old buddy, Joseph Stalin.
[Speaks Russian.]
And, across the table from Joe, fresh from America's dairy land, The Man-Eating Cow.
[Lowing.]
[Terror.]
And, finally, weighing in at 2000 pounds of pure evil, The Human Ton.
And his little friend, Handy.
Hi, everybody.
OK, now for openers, we take over the city! What? Where have you been? The city's protected by the Tick now.
Yes, I've heard he's quite dangerous.
What are you afraid of? We've got Stalin.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, uh, excuse me, but I am not actually Stalin.
I'm Stalingrad, a former graduate student in Russian Studies turned supervillain.
I base my work on the works on Joseph Stalin.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, you look like Stalin to me.
[Handy.]
It's an homage, you jerk! You're losing it! You're out of the loop! Yeah, out of the loop.
In fact, I think this group could use a new leader.
I nominate me.
Hands up, who wants me? Hey, you can't have two votes.
Soon, I will annihilate your planet.
[Coughing.]
But, in the meantime, I vote for The Terror.
[Chuckling.]
That's it, sweetheart, I nominate myself.
Hey, hey, hey! I lead this.
[Lowing.]
[Handy.]
You hear that? The Man-Eating Cow votes for me.
[Tick.]
And so, Mayor Blank, to even better protect this city, Arthur and I wish to present you with this.
The Tick Signal.
In the event of a city emergency, you have but to aim this beam at a conveniently passing cluster of clouds, and we will speed to the scene dispensing justice left and right.
- You know, we have your phone number.
- Also useful.
[Blank chuckles.]
The thing is, boys, we've got a lot of these gizmos and I gotta tell ya, they just don't work.
Every time we flash the Die Fledermaus signal, he disconnects his phone and leaves town.
How much did you pay for that? [Arthur.]
But you still haven't told me how much all this stuff is costing.
Nothing, chum.
I put it on your credit cards.
- What? - Oh, Arthur, you're such an accountant.
Come over here and look at this, it's great.
It's our new secret message cannon.
Go ahead, go ahead, ask me how it works.
OK, I'll tell you.
First, write a secret message.
Then, place the message into the secret message shell.
Load.
Select target.
And fire.
That ought to wake up the boys at the diner.
Hmm.
"You are a kind and generous person.
Your lucky numbers are three, seven and 42.
" This is the Pendecker Series pneumatic grappling hook with full body harness and power winch.
Tick, I'm serious.
We can't afford this.
We've got to take some of this stuff back.
Oh, but wait till you see it work.
[Gasping.]
[Arthur screaming.]
[Crashing.]
Oh.
- [Groaning.]
- [Clattering.]
Good morning, Arthur, sleep well? [Groaning.]
What's all this? This morning I went out and picked up some more equipment.
You what?! I would've gotten more, but they cut up your credit cards.
My [mumbling.]
Yes, but look what I got.
A crime lab! Arthur, we've got a crime lab now.
All kinds of crime chemicals! Look, I can make this red liquid turn totally clear.
[Mumbling.]
Get out! Get out of my apartment! - What? - Get out of my apartment! No.
No.
Get out of my life! [Die Fledermaus.]
Say, does that look like Joseph Stalin to you? Oh, yeah, Stalin, definitely Stalin.
[Dot.]
You told him to get out of your life? Oh, Arthur.
I just don't know what to do.
He's been up in that crime tower of his for almost a week.
He's not going on patrol, he's not fighting evil.
He's not being a superhero anymore.
Well, Arthur, you know the Tick isn't my favorite person, but he is your best friend.
- Was.
- And let's face it, you haven't had a lot of friends.
Thank you, Dot.
I really think you should just go talk to him.
Try to work this out.
I can't.
You talk to him.
Hmm - OK, I will.
- You will? [Door opens, shuts.]
So Arthur really kicked The Tick out of his apartment? Yeah, they say he went insane and blew the place up with chemicals.
- Ooh, chemicals.
- Uh-huh, yeah, that's right.
And now he's just sitting up there in his crime tower and won't talk to anyone.
But this is bad, isn't it? What if The Terror attacks the city? Oh, what if it rains? Very bad.
[Thunder crashes.]
[Sighing.]
? When no one unerstans you ? Or the little things you o ? When estiny, she strans you ? Or wears you like a shoe ? That's when you know it's over ? Man, that's when you know it's through ? I never thought I' be [thunder crashes.]
? So big ? An blue? [Supervillains laughing.]
[Lowing.]
The Tick has put himself out of commission.
The city is ours.
Ha-cha! We're in like Flynn.
[Laughing, coughing.]
[Laughs.]
Yeah! Even now, he sulks like Achilles in his tent.
Achilles.
It's The Ilia.
[Humming.]
It's Homer! Read a book! [Chuckling.]
Here we go! Hang on to your hats.
[All grunting.]
[Cackling.]
[Coughing.]
[Dot.]
Tick? Tick, why don't you come down and talk to Arthur? [Tick.]
Arthur? Arthur.
Hmm Oh, yes.
I used to have a sidekick named Arthur.
But he sidekicked me out of the apartment.
Tick, you're being very immature about this.
- [Tick.]
Am not! - Arthur, this is hopeless.
- Are too! - Dot.
Well, he started it.
Hey, Arthur.
How are things going? Hi, American Maid.
The boys are fighting.
[Tick.]
? When no one unerstans you ? Or the little things you o Feeling pretty sorry for ourselves up here, aren't we? The world just isn't what I want it to be anymore.
Well, that's just great.
And suppose The Terror decides to attack the city? - I don't care.
- I don't believe that's true.
You always love and protect the city.
It's who you are.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Forget it, the guy is nuts.
Let's just hope he snaps out of it before anything serious happens here.
[Sirens wailing.]
[Blank straining.]
Resistance is futile, human worm.
We have the mayor! The city is ours! One small problem, Comrade Handy, the police have us surrounded.
Oh, don't sweat it, Joe.
When you've been in the business as long as I have, you get hip.
Dig this, cats.
[Over PA.]
Attention, coppers! This is The Terror.
Hi.
Listen, if you want to see your mayor again, then hit the road.
We own this burgh, see? [cackling.]
[Coughing.]
You know, you'll never get away with this.
Ha! They always say that.
And I always get away with it.
[All laughing.]
We've got to save the mayor.
Well, if the Tick was here, he l'd have to think of something.
OK, you grab the mayor and I'll create a diversion.
Are you sure you want to do that? No.
[Clears throat.]
My name is Arthur and this is my diversion.
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.
Down came the rain and washed the spider out.
Up came the sun and dried up all the rain.
And the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again.
- Is he finished? - Oh, yeah.
He's finished.
Not in the face, not in the face! [Grunts.]
Hang on, mayor.
We've got to jump.
I don't think so, miss.
Mayor Blank, please.
[Both straining.]
Oh, destiny, destiny! What would you have of me? Just give me a sign.
Anything.
Oh, that's not bad.
[Laughing.]
Your Tick won't come, he sulking in his tent like a guy from Chile.
Don't you mean Achilles? You're making us look like jerks! I told you, read a book! [Tick.]
Spoon! Spoon! [Thunder crashes.]
Spoon! [Lowing.]
Oh, it's just the wind.
Don't be such a nervous Nellie.
Whoa! So this is the mighty Tick.
You've got that right, weirdo.
Villains, I say to you, stop your evil ways! - Get him! - [Growling.]
[Grunting.]
Get up, you big oaf, get up! Tick, you're back! All right! Who's next? I've always loved you.
Joseph Stalin, grab onto my armored muumuu.
Together we will leave this foul Earth behind.
Eew.
Joe, you rat! Who needs you? American Maid, catch that Terror.
Arthur, grab that bad cow.
I'll handle the monster downstairs.
[Clang.]
OK, just take it easy.
[Growling, slurping.]
That rotten old coot! I'm [mumbling.]
Don't just stand there, eat his head! OK.
[Groaning.]
See, he's eating your head and I can still talk.
He's eating, I'm speaking.
He's eating, I'm speaking.
How do we do it? I'll deal with you later.
Hey, leave him alone! You want a piece of me? Come and get it, moth boy.
[Grunting.]
[Groaning.]
[Chuckling.]
I still got the moxie.
[Cackling.]
OK, old man.
I'm putting an end to your century of terror.
Oh, it's a woman.
I'm so scared.
[Grunting.]
Times have changed, pops.
[Laughing.]
Way to chew! Finish him off! Handy? [Screaming.]
Yes! No! I don't think that puppet's going to give us any more trouble, chum.
Well, Arthur, it looks like we've done it again.
And even though it's been a terrible week for me and harsh words have passed between us, I forgive you.
What? You can't forgive me.
- I forgive you.
- Well, OK, then.
An I' like to thank the Tick, Arthur an American Mai for coming through when their city neee them most.
Thank you, Mayor Blank.
We all enjoye saving your life.
You know, evil comes in many forms.
Be it a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin.
But you can't let the package hie the puing.
Evil is just plain ba.
You on't cotton to it.
You've got to smack it in the nose with the rolle up newspaper of gooness.
Ba og! Ba og! An you on't o it for money.
No.
You o it for love.
You know, I learne something this past week.
On justice an on frienship, there is no price.
But there are establishe creit limits.
Well, kids, that's all you get.
That's it.
Read a book!
[Sign buzzing.]
So, son, you bored yet? [Reel whirring.]
[Boy.]
Dad Hmm Getting a little choppy.
Dad, did you see that? Nope.
The city sleeps uneasily tonight as unconfirmed reports trickle in.
Apparently, there have been several sightings, once again, unconfirmed, of the spidery steel mobile home belonging to the 20th century's most notorious supervillain, - [man screams.]
- The Terror.
The Terror, pictured here with infamous Soviet dictator, Joseph Stalin, burst upon the supervillain scene early in the summer of 103 in a legendary fight, with then President, Theodore Roosevelt.
This began an unparalleled career of epic wrongdoings.
Paris, Lima, Deertown.
No corner of the globe is safe from The Terror's reign of - [man screams.]
Terror.
Last sighted in 176, The Terror, still holding a grudge, tried to punch out Mount Rushmore.
Could The Terror be back? [On TV.]
Tonight, a terrifie city cringes in its collective pajamas.
More, as it evelops.
Mmm [gulps.]
Yes, destiny has her hand on my back, and she's pushing.
Face to face with the legendary Terror.
Oh, come on.
The guy's gotta be, what, 115? Evil, chum, is ever green.
Besides, these are just unconfirmed reports.
[Coughing.]
Unconfirmed? What are the odds? We've got to upgrade the apparatus.
We've got to get cool new superhero stuff - to battle this all-encompassing evil.
- [Groans.]
And who's gonna pay for all this cool new stuff? That's not the point.
Step one.
We must choose battle cries.
The cries we emit just before leaping into battle.
Oh, you mean like, "Not in the face, not in the face"? Hmm Lacks force, chum.
No, more like, uh spoon! - Mmm I don't get it.
- Spoon! Look, I'm just a sidekick.
[Arthur.]
I don't know, Dot, it's some kind of crime-busting tower.
We're upgrading our apparatus.
It's been going on like this all week.
[Tick chuckling.]
Swinging! I just I just don't know if I can afford it.
[Speaking inistinct.]
The Tick doesn't make any money.
He's a superhero.
Whoa.
Well, "I told you so" doesn't help.
It works, Arthur! Dot, you're my sister.
Try to be a little supportive.
Arthur, is that your fine sister on the phone? Tell her we need her car.
We've got to deliver something to city hall.
[Man.]
Welcome, supervillains.
I have gathered you here to form the most beautifully unbalanced engine of evil in history.
[Coughing.]
Now, then, you all know me [coughing.]
The Terror.
But let me introduce your new colleagues in crime.
On my left, Tuun-La Not of this Earth.
The human race is an inferior species.
I will destroy you all.
[Laughing.]
Yes, yes.
And next to Tuun-La, my old buddy, Joseph Stalin.
[Speaks Russian.]
And, across the table from Joe, fresh from America's dairy land, The Man-Eating Cow.
[Lowing.]
[Terror.]
And, finally, weighing in at 2000 pounds of pure evil, The Human Ton.
And his little friend, Handy.
Hi, everybody.
OK, now for openers, we take over the city! What? Where have you been? The city's protected by the Tick now.
Yes, I've heard he's quite dangerous.
What are you afraid of? We've got Stalin.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, uh, excuse me, but I am not actually Stalin.
I'm Stalingrad, a former graduate student in Russian Studies turned supervillain.
I base my work on the works on Joseph Stalin.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, you look like Stalin to me.
[Handy.]
It's an homage, you jerk! You're losing it! You're out of the loop! Yeah, out of the loop.
In fact, I think this group could use a new leader.
I nominate me.
Hands up, who wants me? Hey, you can't have two votes.
Soon, I will annihilate your planet.
[Coughing.]
But, in the meantime, I vote for The Terror.
[Chuckling.]
That's it, sweetheart, I nominate myself.
Hey, hey, hey! I lead this.
[Lowing.]
[Handy.]
You hear that? The Man-Eating Cow votes for me.
[Tick.]
And so, Mayor Blank, to even better protect this city, Arthur and I wish to present you with this.
The Tick Signal.
In the event of a city emergency, you have but to aim this beam at a conveniently passing cluster of clouds, and we will speed to the scene dispensing justice left and right.
- You know, we have your phone number.
- Also useful.
[Blank chuckles.]
The thing is, boys, we've got a lot of these gizmos and I gotta tell ya, they just don't work.
Every time we flash the Die Fledermaus signal, he disconnects his phone and leaves town.
How much did you pay for that? [Arthur.]
But you still haven't told me how much all this stuff is costing.
Nothing, chum.
I put it on your credit cards.
- What? - Oh, Arthur, you're such an accountant.
Come over here and look at this, it's great.
It's our new secret message cannon.
Go ahead, go ahead, ask me how it works.
OK, I'll tell you.
First, write a secret message.
Then, place the message into the secret message shell.
Load.
Select target.
And fire.
That ought to wake up the boys at the diner.
Hmm.
"You are a kind and generous person.
Your lucky numbers are three, seven and 42.
" This is the Pendecker Series pneumatic grappling hook with full body harness and power winch.
Tick, I'm serious.
We can't afford this.
We've got to take some of this stuff back.
Oh, but wait till you see it work.
[Gasping.]
[Arthur screaming.]
[Crashing.]
Oh.
- [Groaning.]
- [Clattering.]
Good morning, Arthur, sleep well? [Groaning.]
What's all this? This morning I went out and picked up some more equipment.
You what?! I would've gotten more, but they cut up your credit cards.
My [mumbling.]
Yes, but look what I got.
A crime lab! Arthur, we've got a crime lab now.
All kinds of crime chemicals! Look, I can make this red liquid turn totally clear.
[Mumbling.]
Get out! Get out of my apartment! - What? - Get out of my apartment! No.
No.
Get out of my life! [Die Fledermaus.]
Say, does that look like Joseph Stalin to you? Oh, yeah, Stalin, definitely Stalin.
[Dot.]
You told him to get out of your life? Oh, Arthur.
I just don't know what to do.
He's been up in that crime tower of his for almost a week.
He's not going on patrol, he's not fighting evil.
He's not being a superhero anymore.
Well, Arthur, you know the Tick isn't my favorite person, but he is your best friend.
- Was.
- And let's face it, you haven't had a lot of friends.
Thank you, Dot.
I really think you should just go talk to him.
Try to work this out.
I can't.
You talk to him.
Hmm - OK, I will.
- You will? [Door opens, shuts.]
So Arthur really kicked The Tick out of his apartment? Yeah, they say he went insane and blew the place up with chemicals.
- Ooh, chemicals.
- Uh-huh, yeah, that's right.
And now he's just sitting up there in his crime tower and won't talk to anyone.
But this is bad, isn't it? What if The Terror attacks the city? Oh, what if it rains? Very bad.
[Thunder crashes.]
[Sighing.]
? When no one unerstans you ? Or the little things you o ? When estiny, she strans you ? Or wears you like a shoe ? That's when you know it's over ? Man, that's when you know it's through ? I never thought I' be [thunder crashes.]
? So big ? An blue? [Supervillains laughing.]
[Lowing.]
The Tick has put himself out of commission.
The city is ours.
Ha-cha! We're in like Flynn.
[Laughing, coughing.]
[Laughs.]
Yeah! Even now, he sulks like Achilles in his tent.
Achilles.
It's The Ilia.
[Humming.]
It's Homer! Read a book! [Chuckling.]
Here we go! Hang on to your hats.
[All grunting.]
[Cackling.]
[Coughing.]
[Dot.]
Tick? Tick, why don't you come down and talk to Arthur? [Tick.]
Arthur? Arthur.
Hmm Oh, yes.
I used to have a sidekick named Arthur.
But he sidekicked me out of the apartment.
Tick, you're being very immature about this.
- [Tick.]
Am not! - Arthur, this is hopeless.
- Are too! - Dot.
Well, he started it.
Hey, Arthur.
How are things going? Hi, American Maid.
The boys are fighting.
[Tick.]
? When no one unerstans you ? Or the little things you o Feeling pretty sorry for ourselves up here, aren't we? The world just isn't what I want it to be anymore.
Well, that's just great.
And suppose The Terror decides to attack the city? - I don't care.
- I don't believe that's true.
You always love and protect the city.
It's who you are.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Forget it, the guy is nuts.
Let's just hope he snaps out of it before anything serious happens here.
[Sirens wailing.]
[Blank straining.]
Resistance is futile, human worm.
We have the mayor! The city is ours! One small problem, Comrade Handy, the police have us surrounded.
Oh, don't sweat it, Joe.
When you've been in the business as long as I have, you get hip.
Dig this, cats.
[Over PA.]
Attention, coppers! This is The Terror.
Hi.
Listen, if you want to see your mayor again, then hit the road.
We own this burgh, see? [cackling.]
[Coughing.]
You know, you'll never get away with this.
Ha! They always say that.
And I always get away with it.
[All laughing.]
We've got to save the mayor.
Well, if the Tick was here, he l'd have to think of something.
OK, you grab the mayor and I'll create a diversion.
Are you sure you want to do that? No.
[Clears throat.]
My name is Arthur and this is my diversion.
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.
Down came the rain and washed the spider out.
Up came the sun and dried up all the rain.
And the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again.
- Is he finished? - Oh, yeah.
He's finished.
Not in the face, not in the face! [Grunts.]
Hang on, mayor.
We've got to jump.
I don't think so, miss.
Mayor Blank, please.
[Both straining.]
Oh, destiny, destiny! What would you have of me? Just give me a sign.
Anything.
Oh, that's not bad.
[Laughing.]
Your Tick won't come, he sulking in his tent like a guy from Chile.
Don't you mean Achilles? You're making us look like jerks! I told you, read a book! [Tick.]
Spoon! Spoon! [Thunder crashes.]
Spoon! [Lowing.]
Oh, it's just the wind.
Don't be such a nervous Nellie.
Whoa! So this is the mighty Tick.
You've got that right, weirdo.
Villains, I say to you, stop your evil ways! - Get him! - [Growling.]
[Grunting.]
Get up, you big oaf, get up! Tick, you're back! All right! Who's next? I've always loved you.
Joseph Stalin, grab onto my armored muumuu.
Together we will leave this foul Earth behind.
Eew.
Joe, you rat! Who needs you? American Maid, catch that Terror.
Arthur, grab that bad cow.
I'll handle the monster downstairs.
[Clang.]
OK, just take it easy.
[Growling, slurping.]
That rotten old coot! I'm [mumbling.]
Don't just stand there, eat his head! OK.
[Groaning.]
See, he's eating your head and I can still talk.
He's eating, I'm speaking.
He's eating, I'm speaking.
How do we do it? I'll deal with you later.
Hey, leave him alone! You want a piece of me? Come and get it, moth boy.
[Grunting.]
[Groaning.]
[Chuckling.]
I still got the moxie.
[Cackling.]
OK, old man.
I'm putting an end to your century of terror.
Oh, it's a woman.
I'm so scared.
[Grunting.]
Times have changed, pops.
[Laughing.]
Way to chew! Finish him off! Handy? [Screaming.]
Yes! No! I don't think that puppet's going to give us any more trouble, chum.
Well, Arthur, it looks like we've done it again.
And even though it's been a terrible week for me and harsh words have passed between us, I forgive you.
What? You can't forgive me.
- I forgive you.
- Well, OK, then.
An I' like to thank the Tick, Arthur an American Mai for coming through when their city neee them most.
Thank you, Mayor Blank.
We all enjoye saving your life.
You know, evil comes in many forms.
Be it a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin.
But you can't let the package hie the puing.
Evil is just plain ba.
You on't cotton to it.
You've got to smack it in the nose with the rolle up newspaper of gooness.
Ba og! Ba og! An you on't o it for money.
No.
You o it for love.
You know, I learne something this past week.
On justice an on frienship, there is no price.
But there are establishe creit limits.
Well, kids, that's all you get.
That's it.
Read a book!