The Venture Bros (2003) s01e12 Episode Script

Now, be careful.
These things have booby traps.
Booby.
Will do.
And it's a good thing I have my trusty penknife.
Dean, those are nail clippers.
Got it! It's treasure! Brownish chunks of pirate booty! Hank, that's an old piece of candy.
Booty! And there's a little guy in there made out of pipe-cleaners.
Aw, cool.
I get that! It's all macaroni and empty spools and puffy paint, some yarn Felt scraps.
Hey! Packages of googly-eyes! I'm totally taking these.
Hey, this is interesting.
It's in Sanskrit.
And a dialect I'm not familiar with.
I'm not sure I can read it.
Well, just try.
"It we have to you likely the opening now of this chest.
"To all that protect mine rainy-day craft box are cursed, when to not take away "things or objects" or something like that.
The prepositions and stuff are all screwy It's a cursed treasure! The boys are in trouble.
You have thieved from the sacred craft-bin of Olee Janeema.
Give him back the googly-eyes! - You! - I didn't take 'em! Now your blood shall flow in his name My arm came off.
I can't believe that happened! Out of the way, boys.
I'm gonna give him something to really cry about.
Aw, I wanted a piece of him.
Stop! Oh, I'm sorry.
Stop hitting yourself! Ooh, the terrible hurting! Ow! Please stop doing that.
Enough! The Monarch! While you were wasting your time castrating a priceless antique I have been systematically feeding babies to hungry, mutated puppies! Not likely, Monarch.
Silence! You know what this means.
Mecha-shiva.
Mecha-shiva go! Oh, no! Wait a minute! That's insane! They're total liars! I kept my mouth shut when Dean said he could read Sanskrit.
Then, when Hank said he wanted a piece of him I was, like, fine.
Whatever.
But Mecha-shiva? No way! They are so lying.
I'm innocent.
And now, Mr.
Monarch, you'll have your chance.
Order! Order! I will have order! Mecha-shiva! Excuse me, gentlemen.
Would this be the courtroom where one might attend "The People v.
The Monarch"? You got the right room, but no one goes through these doors without clearance.
I'm sure you'll find that I have every right to attend these proceedings.
I'm in, and I've made a bit of a mess.
Send a cleaner for 375 pounds.
Maybe more.
- So, Hank it is Hank, isn't it? - Yes, sir.
Well, Hank, what's it like to be a liar? Do you like being a liar, with pants constantly on fire? Objection, your honor! Leading.
I'll rephrase that.
Hank, are you a liar? No, sir.
I don't think so.
- Yes, you are! - You're the liar! And may I remind you that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you! That's it! This court will recess for one hour.
I want to see the attorneys in my chamber now! You're on thin ice here, but do you get off the ice? Hell, no! You jump up and down like a lunatic having a conniption fit.
Now, if it was up to me, you'd have been in chains an hour ago.
But this is a trial by jury, and it's up to your peers Peers? Peers! How dare you! That repulsive display of humanity out there? No way! Oh, look, freak-show decided to show up.
Would you be so kind as to liberate me from my fetters? It is a powerful hot in here.
Your Honor, I have some experience with these what you might call super villain-types.
They're a specialty of mine.
What with this condition I'm sorely afflicted with.
What? You have a condition? No.
No way.
Most of them are wilder than a peach orchard hog.
But this one here will go down like all the others.
Yessir, that's a promise.
I'm gonna be working harder than a cat trying to bury a turd on a marble floor.
Now, that's appealing.
I don't even have to open it.
I can just tell egg salad.
Fart-sandwiches.
Dean, hold your breath.
We're going in for the cookie.
T-minus three, two, one.
If I knew you could just call the cops on him I would have done it years ago! Because I'm no sissy.
No, sir.
I would just pick up that phone and, "Officer, there's a man in a butterfly suit "shooting my robot with a laser beam.
" We'd still be waiting for the cops to show up.
The police stay out of the way of the Guild for the most part.
Who do you think supplied the department with new cruisers last year? My tax dollars, for one.
Santa Claus, for two.
Keep dreamin'.
No cop would respond to a call like that.
What about a supercop with a jet pack and a devil-may-care attitude? The only way the police would get involved is if the Guild screwed with them first.
So when the Monarch messed with the police - he messed with - The Guild.
I was gonna say that.
Sovereign Many of our operatives are in place.
We await your orders.
Good.
Good.
Let us proceed to stage five.
It shall be done.
Great, way to make me look like a tool! What are you doing back there? Have you seen my juice-box? Oh, that was yours? - I thought that - Great.
Thanks.
Why did I even bother putting my initials on it? How rude of me.
Would you care for some Pez? Oh no.
I think they taste too much like soap.
For my next witness, I would like to call to the stand The Monarch! They are so gonna fry this idiot.
Just get on the stand and give your testimony.
Oh.
OK.
Right.
Sorry.
How do I, uh? Oh, any time, Mr.
Monarch.
Today would be nice.
OK, I should just go then? Please! This all started soon after "The Flight of the Monarch" was published a mean little tell-all book filled with nothing but lies and pictures of also-lies.
- What the hell is this? - A book? No! But you would think it was, right? You can read it like a book.
Here, I'll show you.
"Rifling through his pockets for change, the Monarch accidentally launches "a sodium-pentothal-tipped dart deep into his own thigh.
"Upon hearing a girlish symphony of shrill wails "a waitress comes to his aid" I told you.
You told me he wouldn't find out.
You're such a dick.
You put his face on the cover! "plucking your eyebrows?!" Oh, it's almost exactly like a book.
There's even some pictures.
Why, here's one of me at Dance-eteria making out with Stiv Bators and Lydia Lunch! But this is not a book.
This is a suicide note! Good news! The euthanasia will be carried out by me.
The author has twenty minutes to seek my aid before I just kill all of you.
You'll find me in my room crying.
After a heart-to-heart with my family of friends a confession soon followed.
It must have been hard for him to come to a man he saw as a mentor and confess to penning such libelous slander.
I was lenient on him.
He punished himself enough.
You should have replaced his blood with acid after this part.
The sharks won't touch him now.
Thanks, Dr.
Girlfriend.
Now you tell me.
Lower the giant hair dryer! Objection! On what grounds? Boring me to tears.
Ha! Relevance, Your Honor.
Mr.
Monarch hasn't been charged with having a book written about him.
He's been charged with the abduction or maybe, well disintegration of a police officer.
I'm getting to that! Just keep your pants on.
Oh, wait.
You can't wear pants, can you? Overruled.
Continue, Mr.
Monarch.
But please get to the point.
But sadly, the repercussions of "The Flight of the Monarch" were far from over.
OK, then who haven't you slept with? I'm sure that's a shorter list.
Oh, you are insane! I'm insane? I'm insane? Look at these! There's a picture of you in Monstroso's lap.
That was a party.
Look at his lap it's huge.
There's, like, five of us on it.
Yeah, right.
And here's one of you skinny dipping with Jim Foetus! Let me see that.
I don't remember And there's a whole collage of you and Phantom Limb.
All right, fine! I used to work for him.
So what? Holy crap! Look at your costume! What, did Frank Frazetta design it for you? It's tiny! I can see your dirty pillows! I am leaving! If you can't calm down, I'm leaving.
You can't leave.
I'm throwing you out.
Get out of my cocoon, you whore! After an amicable parting of the ways, life went on as usual.
And that was the last time I saw Dr.
Girl Dr.
Ex-Girlfriend! Good riddance to bad girlfriends, I say.
My guess is about then, well, she was so sad about her failure to upset me that she probably went crazy, rampage nuts.
He's lying! Oh, no way.
That's a real big surprise.
Good gracious.
What happened to you? It's a long story.
Can I come in? Of course, of course.
It's horrid out there.
I insist on it.
Dear girl, you're soaked to the bone.
Come sit down and tell me all about it.
Now, let it all out.
I'm just going to get you some dry clothes.
He threw me out.
After saying the most horrible things, he threw me out.
The cad! How dare he! Who does he think he is Mr.
King Butterfly Man? Well, I'm nobody's doormat.
Before I met him, I was Lady Au Pair.
I was feared, and I was respected, and not just by my murderous moppets by everyone.
And after that, I was Queen Etherea.
Put it on.
I want to see you in it again.
Oh, I can't believe you saved it.
What are these hard chunks? My tears.
Tears? You have to be kidding me! You know that sick, deformed slob you know he was pounding his invisible meat That's it.
Objection! Your honor, I have children listening to this potty talk! Sustained.
I want that last bit stricken from the record and my mind.
Dr.
Venture, you might want to take your sons out.
Not me! There's no way I'm gonna miss this.
Brock, be a lamb, and take the boys somewhere.
Aw, come on, Pop.
We're not babies.
Dean told me how he pounds his All right.
Yeah, boys.
Uh, hey, why don't we go scrounge up some adventure do some, uh Control, delay order.
We've lost full containment.
I repeat, delay order.
Copy on delay.
- We are on standby.
- Knew it.
I thought you went to the can.
I did.
I'm back.
That was, like, ten seconds ago.
What, are you pissing in the corner? There's gum in this fountain our first clue.
It seems our thirsty mystery man was a gum-chewer.
Look, Brock.
Hank found a clue.
Oh, great.
Boys, don't touch that clue.
That clue was in somebody's mouth.
That clue's filthy.
Now, take your time.
I know this is very upsetting for you.
Would you like a tissue? It's fine.
I have one.
If this is too much for you No, please.
I want to finish.
Go on, then.
I was there for maybe a half an hour.
We were eating some aged something-or-other cheese.
I don't recall what it was.
Asiago.
I developed a love for this playful provision during my stay in Florence, Italy.
It's really nothing more than a common table cheese but I find it a charming yang to merlot's impish ying.
It tastes like the inside of an old thermos.
Will you knock that off? Let me get that.
You must be strong.
Remember who you are.
His lies can't hurt you anymore.
Stop that.
We heard you the first time.
I knew you were here! The henchmen were all, "She went to her mother's" but I knew you went crawling back to him! Keep your voice down.
Holy crap! What are you wearing? Is that your Queen Etherea suit? You're wearing your old costume now? My clothes were wet, and he I can't believe you're falling for that floating smooth-talking jackass! I can't even look at you in that slut slut slutty slut suit! I was wearing this when you first met me.
I don't remember you complaining then.
That's because I had you out of that rag within the first five minutes of meeting you.
I made you the Monarch's! You are a monster! All right.
That was supposed to be romantic.
Oh, go to hell! Fine! Then he just hung around the yard yelling till somebody called the cops.
That was all you saw? Well, I saw the flashing lights from, I guess, the police and I heard some talking.
Then - Then? - Then nothing.
Ow! What the dealy-o? Saliva is nature's glue.
And raisins are nature's candy! It's the oldest trick in the book.
If I place a hair between the door and frame - We've been made.
- It works as a burglar alarm.
All we have to do is come back, and if the hair is gone somebody used this door.
Help! Do not be too hasty entering that room.
I had Taco Bell for lunch! Expert witness Dr.
Byron Orpheus has arrived! The hair's gone! A clue! It was Dr.
O.
The whole time.
I wonder what that means.
It means Dr.
Orpheus had to take a dump.
So, nice job.
Case closed.
Place your right hand on the How sweet.
A Bible.
Well, if you don't mind, sir, I have a book of my own for this little ritual.
Keep your fingers clear of its mouth.
He's a nibbler.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you uh, whoever? I swear it.
Dr.
Orpheus, could you tell the court what it is that you do? You're a type of magician? Oh, they have no idea what they're in for.
Well, if you must call me that, yes.
But if you are after mere parlor tricks you will be sorely disappointed.
For if I reach behind your ear, it will not be a nickel I pull out but your very soul! Good night, ladies and gentlemen.
You've been a great crowd.
A mind reader, huh? That seems kind of hocus-pocus, now, don't it? It's as crazy as oh, let's say the fact that nobody can recall what happened that night the night that a policeman and his motorcycle simply vanished.
Well, maybe I'm just an ignorant old country lawyer but this sounds like a cover-up.
Or is it magic? Do you believe in magic? The Monarch must, for he's given us no other rational explanation.
Something big is going down.
This place is crawling with Strangers.
You can't expect to know everybody.
No, Hank.
Strangers are undercover Guild operatives.
We gotta warn Pop! No, Dean.
This is Guild business.
Your father isn't in any harm.
The Guild works clean, professional.
It's surgical with them.
In a way, they're the only organization I still respect.
And they kill clean.
Don't let dames get in the way.
Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read.
It's weird, right? It's like he channels dead crazy people.
You think it's a cry for help? So a mind reader.
Fascinating.
Could you read the mind of, let's say, for instance, the Monarch? If it would please the court.
Objection.
No way! This is most unorthodox.
Unorthodox? The defendant's in a crown, for God's sake! I myself am growing from the torso of an inbred simpleton.
I promise not to make his eyes boil.
I'll allow it.
Hug me.
Fine.
Whatever gets you off, man.
Just don't go for the reach-around because the Monarch doesn't swing that Sleep! Dream.
All right, what's going on here? Oh, just doing some gardening.
I got a call from a concerned citizen there's a domestic going on here.
Listen, Officer Poncharello, my second-in-command just left me.
So why don't you put your fat Tom-of-Finland ass back on your big gay bike and go home? This is none of your beeswax.
OK, pal, let's just keep those hands where I can see them.
Oh, you want some of this? Let's go, Fonzie.
Come on.
Take your best shot! Think you can take this? So, too fast for you? It's all there.
Do you want to count it? No.
That's bad form.
There's a passport, name change information, the works.
Even got you a new wife.
You won't see her much, being a supermodel.
She'll be traveling a lot.
Uh, do I have an erection? I feel like I might have one.
Pleasure doing business with you, gentlemen.
If we see you, hear your voice in a crowd Don't worry about me.
I'm a ghost.
Good.
We'll take it from here.
You won't believe this.
I've seen the greasy interior of many a mind and I'm not sure I believe this.
Now! It must be now! Now! - What'd I miss? - Now! It's a Freeze-Team! Down on the ground and hold your breath.
There's pee pee on the floor! I told you to hold your breath.
Take the prisoner.
For everyone else, I want a level three memory wipe.
Move! Finally, number three on the Guild's most wanted list Tiny Attorney.
It's time the Guild sentences him to a "Trial Separation.
" Ha! I just made that up.
It's funny on a lot of levels.
Right.
It just came out.
What about the necromancer? Memory wipes don't work on his kind.
True, but they take to hypnotic suggestion like cancer to a prostate.
Wait! I know this one.
Filed with us five times to get an arch-rival part of the Venture clique, I think.
You know the Monarch did it.
He's a very bad man who wants to hurt the Venture family and once he's put away we'll get all of you a new arch-rival, just like you've always wanted.
You're gonna put the Monarch away? You never told me that.
Somebody has to take the fall.
But you, my dear, you were perfect, a regular Mata Hari.
Trust me.
The Guild will reward you handsomely.
But as for your precious Monarch, forget him.
He's totally screwed.
Will that hypnotic suggestion thing work on him? I think so.
I had nothing to do with this crap.
It was, like, I don't know, those weird kids, the Venture brothers.
They did it.
Strangers, withdraw! All clear, Mr.
Samson.
The Guild appreciates your non-interference.
Whatever.
How much time? Twenty seconds.
Continue, Mr.
Orpheus.
You were saying? I hope they find me a girl villain.
- Mr.
Orpheus? - A redhead.
He's gonna blow it.
Brock, when did you get back? What happened to the little guy riding the retard? Don't worry about it.
Mr.
Orpheus, you were telling us what you learned.
That is true, I was.
With my own eyes, I have seen into his senses.
I have been a witness to his doings! And I have found that the Monarch is without any shadow of a doubt guilty! Oh, my precious pookums, of course I forgive you.
Why, in a few, oh, I don't know, decades I'll be out of here, And we can we can just start again.
Can I go now? Everybody's staring at me.
That's good soup!