The War at Home s01e12 Episode Script

Hey, this is for you.
A meeting with the principal? Hey, this is for you.
What did you do this time? Nothing.
The last time you did nothing, it took four months for Larry to grow his hair back.
Mike, this meeting is for today! Why is this the first we're hearing about it? I meant to give it to you last night, but I guess I fell asleep because you were so late coming home from work.
Again.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
I'll try to get home earlier tonight.
Guilt! Just spray a little on, and anger magically disappears.
Hey, Vicky, if you're gonna get Mike out of trouble with the principal, I suggest you wear that pink top that really shows off the merchandise.
Oh, yeah? 'Cause I was thinking you should wear those jeans that show off your package since you're gonna be talking to the principal.
Me? Why me? Come on, that's your territory.
But just out of curiosity, what pair of jeans are you talking about? Are you serious? Your office is ten minutes from the school.
I work in the city.
You want me to take the cross-town subway, and then catch a train back to the Island, and then a cab from the station to the school? And when I get home, why don't I put on a little cheerleader outfit and meet you in bed? That'd be great, sweetie.
Come on, your boss won't mind.
Diane's your buddy, right? Hey, I didn't get hired at Bergdorf's 'cause Diane's my buddy.
I happen to be good at what I do.
And if I'm not mistaken, you were the one who encouraged me to go back to work full-time and have a career.
Actually, I only encouraged her so we'd have all this extra money.
But between the taxes and her new business wardrobe, she's clearing less a day than an eight-year-old in a Guatemalan sweatshop.
Before I went back to work, didn't you say you'd pick up the slack around here? So? I also said I'd always use protection, yet here we are.
I knew this was gonna happen.
I just didn't think it would take two weeks.
What are you talking about? Working and helping out around here.
It's too much for you.
You just can't handle it.
It's true.
I can't handle it.
She is better at doing everything than I am.
And I should just admit it.
I can handle it.
Believe me, I can handle it.
Good.
Then let me know how everything goes at the principal's office.
God, and could somebody help clean up around here? This place is a pig sty.
Love you.
You know, she's right.
This place is worse than a frat house.
No, it's not.
Or it is.
How should I know? Maybe we should get a housekeeper.
We don't need a housekeeper.
What do you think we had you kids for? Because you didn't bother using protection? Why don't you get Mom to quit her new job? Look, your mother and I are a team.
I don't tell her what to do, and she doesn't tell me what to do.
Yeah, she does.
No, she doesn't.
She just told you you got to go to Mike's school to This is a very big opportunity for your mother, so we're gonna have to figure out another way to make things work.
And by we, I mean you's three.
So wait, she bosses you around, so you boss us around? Yeah, it's called a pecking order.
And I'm the biggest pecker.
This boy sexually assaulted my daughter.
Well, Mrs.
Patrusky, we've all heard from Lauren.
I think it's only fair that we hear Mike's side of the story.
Thank you.
I'm sure there's a very good explanation.
Go ahead, Mike, tell them the very good explanation.
I tripped and she broke my fall.
With her air bags.
She's broken his fall five times.
Lady, the kid has an inner ear disorder.
Or he will after I whack him upside the head.
Principal Fink, my daughter feels violated.
He's permanently damaged her ability to trust men.
Let me guess.
You're divorced? -That's none of your business! -That's a yes.
Look, if the kid says it was an accident, it was an accident.
Look, I'm sorry this woman wasted your time.
Mr.
Gold, this matter has not been resolved.
Has it? No.
I didn't think so.
Now as far as disciplinary measures are concerned Are you kidding me? Come on, you got bigger problems around here than my kid accidentally grazing a booby.
I mean, look at this school.
Kids flunk tests, they cut class, experiment with drugs.
And not for nothing, your basketball team is one and nine, and that's only because that Hebrew High won't play on Friday nights.
You're right, Mr.
Gold.
I do have a lot of other problems to deal with.
So for the next week, your problem will be Mike, 'cause he's suspended.
Suspended? Thank you.
Oh, wait a sec, I see how this works.
She shows up wearing a tight top so you side with her.
Make that a two-week suspension.
Fine.
But just so you know, I got a pair of jeans I could have worn that would have knocked your socks off.
What's the matter with you, you little perv? -It was an accident, I swear.
-Yeah, right.
Like I don't have enough to deal with.
You got to go and get your suspended? Uh, actually, you got me suspended.
This never would have happened if you hadn't gotten in his face.
Yeah, let's not forget, you're the one who got in her chest.
Give me that.
You know what your mother's gonna say when she finds out about this? That you can't handle things by yourself? The little perv makes a good point.
Look, don't get me wrong.
I appreciate it.
If Mom had come to school, I would have just missed sixth period.
Thanks to you, I got a whole two weeks off.
You're the best.
Hey, it's not a vacation, okay? Uh, yeah, I think it is.
Really? We'll see.
Let'go.
Oh! I'm sorry.
Here, let me get that.
I'm really sorry.
What is wrong with you people?! No, it was an accident! Really, Miss, it was an accident! I'm sorry! Episode 1x12 " Gimme a Break " Vicky, I know you're best friends with the boss, but the rest of us are all kind of waiting for you in the conference room.
Oh, I'm sorry, Noreen.
I didn't realize there was a staff meeting this morning.
Oh, didn't you get the e-mail? I told my assistant to send it to everyone that matters.
Noreen, you're so funny.
I don't know why you don't have a boyfriend.
Give me a sec, I'll be right in.
Diane, I'm sorry about holding up the meeting.
I'on my way.
Who cares about the meeting? Not my problem anymore.
Today's my last day.
I quit.
What?! Why?! My Chinese baby is ready.
Your Chinese baby? I had no idea.
The paperwork finally came through.
I'm gonna do the full-time mommy thing.
If you wanted to be a full-time mommy, you should have just told me.
I got three at home.
Take your pick.
Take 'em all! No, I'm kidding.
Congratulations! Oh, I'm so happy for you! So who's taking over the department? Who do I have to report to now? Noreen.
No, no, not Noreen.
You can't quit! I can't stand her! She's a passive-aggressive control freak.
Vicky, when you're done with your little coffee klatch, we're all still waiting for you in the conference room.
Okay, I'll be right there.
Hey, fabulous boots.
Thanks! And Vicky, FYI, I can hear everything you say through this wall.
I hope that wasn't too passive-aggressive.
Well, well, well.
Look at this place.
Laundry's done.
Table's set for dinner.
And do I smell nothing? Way to go, Mike.
I'm glad to see you weren't just sitting on your ass since you been suspended.
Hey, dont look at me.
It was like this when I got up from my nap.
So what, did some magic cleaning fa just show up out of nowhere? Man, that is one dusty basement.
The laundry's done, the table's set for dinner.
You're welcome.
Nice try.
Wait a second you did all this by yourself? Well, to tell you the truth, I was kind of getting tired of the mess around here.
And you did seem really upset this morning.
So I thought, why not help out? It's weird.
When he acts like a girl, it bugs me.
But when he acts like a cleaning girl I kind of like it.
Are you two paying attention? Not really.
If I'm not the topic of conversation, frankly, I'm bored.
Well, you should be, okay? Because you could learn something from your brother here.
Yeah, maybe I can learn how to never know the touch of a woman.
Let me tell you something, Larry.
You used to be down here.
But now you're up here.
-Really? -Yeah.
Hey, wait why was I all the way down there? Don't worry about that.
You're up here.
And you's two down here.
Ouch.
Your random, meaningless ranking system is this hurtful.
Dad, I hear what you're saying, and really it makes a lot of sens.
And there's something that I want to say to you.
Okay, I'm listening.
-I need my allowance.
-Forget it.
What, are you crazy? You're not getting any money for doing nothing.
But I always get money for doing nothing.
And I need to buy makeup.
Forget it, okay? Oh, come on.
Mom would give me the money.
Well, your mom's not here, okay? So you're gonna have to figure out another way to look too old and too easy.
Fine, I will.
God, you can be so annoying sometimes.
What? What? I can't hear you all the way down here.
Why don't you come try talking to me when you're about right here? Dad, can you pop the zit on my back? What? No, that's disgusting.
Get outta here.
Why, Mom does it for me all the time.
Yeah, well, your mom's not here.
When's she coming home? I don't know.
She was supposed to be here by 8:00.
And you know wha'm getting sick or never being around.
Get out of here.
Go find someone else to pop your zits.
Fine.
Larry, I need you to pop a zit on my back.
Really? Get up here.
Well, well, well, look who's finally home.
Oh.
Dave, don't give me a hard time.
My day was bad enough.
I'm starting to my new job.
Really? What happened? Tell me everything.
Diane quit out of nowhere and now Noreen is my new boss.
Oh, my God, I can't believe that.
Noreen? I don't know who the hell Noreen is, but I like this is going.
If I were you, I'd quit than have to work for that Noreen.
What? I'm not going to quit.
I'm going to work my ass off and then I'm going to take her job.
Oh.
What happened at the principal's office today? Oh, I handle it.
You know, it was no big deal.
You seem like you had a stressful day.
How about a foot massage, my love? Oh my God.
He got suspended.
For what? You know, he sort of copped a couple of free feels.
What? And they suspended him even after you said you were sorry and it was never going to happen again? I sort of went a different way.
-Oh, please tell me you didn't hit anyone.
-No, I didn't hit anyone.
What do you think, I'm an animal? Yes.
Yes, I do.
Everyone does.
You just don't how to handle people.
You get aggravated, and you lose your temper and you make things worse.
Why can't you just be understanding and agreeable and nice? That's how I'm going to handle that Noreen.
And you know why? 'Cause people like that, Dave.
Yeah? Well, l'm not people.
Yeah, I know, that's kind of the point.
In fact, I don't why I'm blaming you.
I should blame myself.
I should have know this was gonna happen.
I knew you couldn't handle things around here without me.
All right, she's giving me an easy out.
It's time to put an end to this nightmare.
All I have to do is put my pride way and admit I can't handle it.
Look, I handled it.
Okay, I handled it just fine.
So what's gonna do now, sitting at home and play video games? No, he's not going to sit at home and play video games.
Sit here, play video games.
I'll be back at 5:00.
Okay, Noreen, here is some of piece I'm really excited about buying for the store's spring line.
Retro is all the rage, right? Remember gauchos? Not fondly.
Right.
That's why I'm thinking the Japanese look Lots of black silk and colorful kimonos.
ll call it "The Asian Invasion.
" Perfect.
Perhaps we could launch it on Pearl Harbor Day.
Noreen, can I ask you a question? Do you have some kinda problem with me? No, not at all.
I am super happy for you that you took off a hundred years and you called up an friend to get your job back, when I stupidly relied on hard work and determination.
Other than that, and your questionable tast I think you're a peach.
Okay, well, that is some good constructive criticism, and I'm going to work on that.
Hello.
Hi, Dad.
Hey, Hillary, what time you get home? Uh, that depends.
Can come pick me up? I'm sorry it's corporate policy.
We prosecute all shoplifters.
Shoplifting? Come on, it's a two-dollar thing of lipstick.
This brand happens to cost $22.
95, plus tax.
Look, here's 30 bucks, all right? Keep the change, give her a warning let me get of here will you? I don't want your bribe.
And this is a matter for the police now.
Hey, you know what, people like you Wait.
What did Vicky said about dealing with people? Be understanding, agreeable and, uh oh, yeah nice.
I-I'm sorry I know you're just doing your job here and you know here I am acting like a total animal.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
Their mother used to deal with things like this.
but she's not around, and we'll sort of missing her, and the kids are You're a widower.
I lost my husband a year and a half ago.
Huh? No, I'm not I-I'm not well.
I haven't been since it happened.
You know, that woman, God bless her, you know she was my life.
Oh All right, you know what? Under the circumstances, maybe I can talk to security and make this whole thing go away.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
-Andrea.
Andrea.
Thank you.
And, uh wife thanks you, too, from wherever she is.
But you're still going to get me the lipstick, right? I mean, I didn't want to steal it.
I just miss Mommy, too.
What's the matter with you, huh? We don't steal in this family.
Really? What about our cable? That's not stealing.
That's beating the system.
What about when you eat in the grocery store? That's called a taste test.
I think you know what Oreos taste like, Dad.
Look, look, it doesn't matter, all right? And you don't worry about the makeup, okay, because no one's going to be seeing your face 'cause you're not going to be leaving the house forever.
-Whatever.
No, don't "whatever" me.
Okay? You don't think I have it hard enough as it is, you gotta make it harder by doing this? And wait till your mother finds out.
She's going to be pissed.
I'll bet she'll turn over in her grave.
All right, that is all taken care of.
Really? Damn.
Vicky was right.
People like this nice crap.
Maybe I can get some free shampoo.
You know, after my husband died, it really helped me to talk to other people.
I get off work in a few minutes.
You want to go grab a cup of coffee? No, that's fine.
You've already done too much.
No, I insist.
Well, you know, I-I really should be getting her home.
No, I don't mind.
After everything you've done for me, you really deserve this.
I guess it was the first six months that were the hardest.
Some days I just couldn't face the world.
Yeah.
Well, good thing you work in a pharmacy, right? You could do the old "two for you, one for me," routine when you're handing out the happy pills, right? Dave.
Ooh, it's good to laugh again.
And I really like being with you.
And I'm amazed at how well you're dealing with your loss.
That's probably because in many ways it's like she's not really gone.
Dave I'm going to tell you what someone in my grief-support group said to me.
-The best way to get over someone -Yeah? is to get under someone.
Oh, there you are.
I've been looking all over for you.
Oh, I-I just ran down to the coffee shop.
And guess what? They only had one brownie left and you were the first person I thought of.
Thank you so much.
Mmm, mmm, it's delish.
Oh, uh, by the way, pack up your things.
You no longer work here.
What? Well, unfortunately, we had to make some cutbacks and you were the first person I thought of.
Oh, my gosh.
How many people were let go? Just one.
So, there's no cutbacks at all.
You're just firing me.
Well, Vicky, I was trying to spare your feelings but I guess you're not as stupid as I thought you were.
Fine, Noreen.
Good luck in your new position.
Apparently, you're going to need it because everyone in this office thinks you're a pompous, controlling ass and they make fun of your visible panty line.
Oh, and by the way.
We all know that the only reason Mr.
Lifton gave you this promotion was because of what you've been giving him in your office.
That thin wall works both ways, Cookie.
I mean, she thinks if she wants something she could just steal it? She wasn't raised that way.
Huh.
And don't even get me started about what Mike did to Heather in my office today.
What did he do? It doesn't matter.
So, do you want to talk to Mike, or do you want me to? You look really stressed out.
Why don't I draw you a bath? You know what? You're freaking me out.
Get the hell out of my room.
Go.
Get out.
That's it.
You're quitting your job, end of the discussion.
I don't want to hear another word about it.
Excuse me? Since when do you tell me what to do? No, I'm not telling you.
I-I'm begging you.
Please.
Please, sweetie.
In the last 48 hours, I got Mike suspended from school, I refused to give Hillary her allowance so she almost got arrested, and thanks to me, Larry is going to make someone a very good wife some day.
Okay, I admit it.
I can't handle things around here without you.
Wow, that took a lot of guts for him to admit that.
I should really come clean and tell him what really happened.
How dare you? For once in my life I have an opportunity to do something satisfying and rewarding.
And because you can't handle things for a few weeks, I have to give up my dream? Okay, okay, I'm sorry, sweetie.
I'm just I'm just freaking out a little bit because dealing with things around here is a little harder than I thought it would be.
Yeah.
It's all right.
You don't have to quit.
We'll just -No, no, no, no, no.
I am gonna quit.
I mean, as much as I love my job, and Lords only knows how they're ever going to replace me, no, this family come first.
-Really? -Yeah.
Ah, you're the best, sweetie.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Mm.
How do you like that? They fired her ass.
We really need to figure out a way to get Larry to stop acting like he's the maid.
Do we, Dave? Do we really? Whatever.
Just as long as nobody draws anybody a bath, I'm fine.
Anyway, I'm really glad you're back.
I really missed you.
-I missed you, too.
-No, you didn't.
-Yes I did.
Oh, look who it is.
Mr.
"My Wife Is Barely Dead And Buried, And It's Too Soon To Date.
" You know what? If you didn't want to sleep with me, you could've just said so.
Hmm? Long story.