The Wild Wild West (1965) s01e12 Episode Script

Nice, peaceful place.
Yeah, nice, peaceful, spooky place.
Ever hear about where angels fear to tread? Everybody's left town.
If we had any sense, we'd follow them.
Will you tell me how anyone can predict an earthquake? That's what Washington sent us to find out.
Today is the fifth of June.
Guess where that sun is? Business is kind of slow, isn't it? Seasonal.
Oh, I knew it couldn't be the earthquake.
What earthquake? Stout fella.
Today's earthquake.
That earthquake was supposed to have occurred at high noon, wasn't it, friend? Yeah.
Well What's your pleasure, gents? Why didn't you two leave? Because I heard there was an earthquake in Twin Rivers and I heard there was an earthquake in Crown Point.
All I believe is what I see.
And all I've seen this circular.
He hadn't even seen that.
Oh, those other earthquakes could have been sheer coincidence, Jim.
Or lies.
Anybody hang around Crown Point or Twin Rivers long enough to see the earthquake? No.
No one even knows if, uh, there actually was one.
There wasn't.
It's possible.
"the sun is at its summit.
" You know I have suddenly grown weary of this line of work.
Has its ups and its downs.
Howdy.
Well, howdy.
Howdy.
Strange.
What's strange? Dust storm this time of year.
We'd better check on the horses.
Yeah, and then we'll find the train.
Maybe we'll have better luck next time.
A howling success.
Nature couldn't have produced a more peachy earthquake.
It ripped the land from one end to the other! Orkney, you surely do know how to make an earthquake.
You sure do.
Sam and Harry, you stick with me and we'll have earth beyond our most secret dreams.
We're sticking.
Ah-hah, ah-hah, ah-hah.
What's this? What is this? Aah.
It's their train.
It's coming this way.
Mr.
West and Mr.
Gordon.
What do we do about them? Well that's been arranged.
That's all been arranged.
Plenty of excitement.
But it's all over for a while.
Listen, Jim.
Somebody has declared war on the United States, right? Right.
Why shouldn't the United States declare war on somebody? Artemus, you know that an army fights an enemy it can see.
What would the cavalry do against, um, "somebody"? We don't even know whether it was one man or several.
We have to find out if it was one man or several.
Agreed.
Where? Sentinel.
That's past tense.
Mm-hmm.
Twin Rivers, Crown Point, also past tense.
Notice something, Artemus.
They're all on the same line, geographically- the fault line.
Now, wait a minute.
Here's Ford's Junction.
Now, that is a good 100 miles east of your fault line and yet that had an earthquake, too.
Mm-hmm.
But Sentinel, Twin Rivers and Crown Point were warned.
Ford's Junction wasn't.
Which makes whoever is responsible not only destroyers but also murderers.
Junction for no reason at all.
Notice they're all grouped in the eastern part of Wyoming? And whoever it is has to be close enough to those areas to give out the circulars.
Oh, I was wrong.
He wants to blow up all of Wyoming.
According to the circulars, there's an earthquake due in 18 hours in Ellenville.
On the fault line.
Hello, Ellenville.
Sheriff, you just can't run.
We've seen those.
Have you seen what's happened to the towns that got these? The people of Ellenville are depending on you.
What people? Nobody was leaving until those circulars appeared.
I'll face up to anything anything I can see coming.
You ever see an earthquake coming? We wouldn't be leaving like those sensible people, would we? No, we wouldn't.
I'd like to take a hot bath.
Help yourself.
I'll need a room.
Take your pick.
Of course you're lost.
Not at all.
And I didn't hear you knock, so that settles the gentleman question.
And the door was open so that settles the shy damsel question.
Is this your room? What do you think? You didn't answer my question.
Yes, this is my room.
Nothing broken? Who are you? James West.
Faith Cadwallader.
Charmed.
Married? Only shot up a few times.
What are you doing here? I was about to take a bath.
What are you doing here? I'm getting ready for my bath.
Aren't you afraid of earthquakes? Oh, there are two whole hours left.
May I have my gun? Certainly.
Sit down, Mr.
West.
I like you, but my orders are clear.
You are James West? Of course.
Well, I have to be sure.
I'd hate to have the wrong man killed.
I have the sickest feeling that you're not joking.
Oh, Papa did not raise us to joke about chores.
Chores? After that little exchange, I thought we were becoming friends.
Papa forbade me to kill you, Mr.
West.
He said that it wouldn't be ladylike.
Why does Papa want to kill me? He's learned of your exploits.
He says you're very dangerous.
I'm dangerous? You fools.
That isn't the one you want.
This is West.
Oh, my brothers, Mr.
West uh, Hercules and Thaddeus.
Bovines whom Papa forbids to speak during the execution of a chore for fear it might befuddle their minuscule minds.
Papa still retains some hope for these behemoths.
Now are you ready for your chore? Now, I'm going to take a bath and when I return I want this room empty.
I intend to nap before dinner.
And once more, this is Mr.
West.
Papa wants him killed.
That is your chore.
No, no, no, no.
What did Papa tell you? Not in front of a lady.
Oh, I'm I'm sorry Papa's determined to have you dead.
There are so few men left in Wyoming.
Thaddeus, let's shoot him here.
Papa said no talking.
Yeah, get him, Thaddeus.
Papa was right.
He is dangerous.
Jim.
I'm all right.
Dinner.
Now stop it.
That belongs to nature.
Now come on.
But we got to eat.
Papa didn't say nothing about destroying nature.
Now come on.
Oh, you're the one that needs taming.
There goes our dinner.
Come on.
Lady tiger and her two elephants.
We've got guns, why don't we use them? Not kill them, just cage them a little.
When I started this, I said I didn't believe anyone could predict an earthquake.
I was wrong, someone can.
Someone who wants you and me dead.
Well, that makes everything a good deal more comforting.
Who and why? Who's easy.
Faith's father.
Why? We won't know until we find him.
We're ready if they are.
Yeah.
Oh, you lout! Oh, is that the help you get nowadays? You can't depend on who you pay the most.
Oh, you Now you keep up that bungling, Sidney, and I'm going to take Chickasaw away from you.
I'm Sam.
I don't you're Sam? What county did I promise you? Little Butte.
Very well, then.
I'm going to take Little Butte away from you.
How'd you like that? Well, I wouldn't like that.
Then you better be careful.
And you heard that, too, Sam.
Sydney.
Well, Sam or Sydney, I'm glad I have no son like you.
I've had students like that, Sydney.
Chattering away during the whole semester.
Never a thought of the lectures and then always surprised when they fail.
Now what? Not what, where.
Well, they couldn't just have disappeared.
They have.
Where? Oh, my dear daughter.
You're well, Father.
It's nice to see you back to your old self again.
Papa.
My little one.
My little Ah, my dear son, Hercules.
I'm Thaddeus, Papa.
Now don't quibble.
Where have you been? We were expecting you yesterday.
Well, we couldn't help it, Papa.
Land's full of holes.
Was that because of my earthquakes? I guess.
Now, wait a minute.
Don't come to any hasty conclusions.
Mull it over, Thaddeus.
I'm Hercules, Papa.
Ah, he does know something.
Bully for you.
Is there any dynamite left, daughter? All of it, Papa.
Then you didn't blow up West's train? We couldn't find the train, Papa.
How did you eliminate that meddling snoop? Hmm? She was to render him helpless and you were to render him lifeless.
We tried, Papa.
He's tricky, Papa.
You go render that snoop West.
What about the other snoop, Papa? I think he's his brother.
Well if it is, it runs in the family, doesn't it? Hercules I think we'd better render both.
I'm surrounded by hostiles.
Sometimes, I think your dear mother- oh, bless her memory- was too indulgent with them.
Poor papa struggling against the tide.
No, I have turned the tide.
I've employed nature for my own use and now I want my reward.
But I'm very disappointed with my sons.
Perhaps they can redeem themselves now.
They're good boys.
Everybody can't be a genius like you.
Oh, my dear! Between normal intelligence and genius lies a spectrum broad enough for the whole human race.
Why were my sons omitted? Oh, they try.
They do try.
Papa? Now, don't get mad, Papa.
Why are you still here? We don't know where to go, Papa.
We don't know where West.
We don't know where he is, Papa.
I expect nothing from them, but I do from you.
I'm only human.
Well, I'm superhuman and you have my blood.
Papa, I Shh, silence! Well, horses It's two horses.
With, obviously, two riders that's, uh, 1200 no, that's 800 yards away.
Well, you lost them; I've just found them.
See that you don't lose them again.
Get ready! Get set! Go! You're getting slow.
Go and redeem yourselves.
Well, he'll be dead, Papa.
Don't you worry about that.
They were as fast as any superhumans can be.
I know, my dear, but they must be kept alert.
It's no easy task.
Oh I tell you, that trail Now, this is so much better.
This is all right until we can find some water.
Now, listen, I'll get it.
I never knew until now just how much I like walking, huh? Come on.
Let's go.
Mr.
West.
You're too far away for those fancy punches this time, Mr.
West.
That's right, West.
No hot water here.
And no window.
We got all the time you got, Mr.
West.
Uh-uh we got more.
You see, we had our fill of water.
You've only got one gun, Mr.
West.
Which one of us is it going to be? Which one do you think it's going to be? Take me, Mr.
West.
No, no! I'm older.
I'm really enjoying myself, but orders is orders.
Thaddeus! Papa's waiting.
Bye, West.
Well, from back there, I thought, "That's it.
" Well don't hold your breath.
Their Pappy ain't going to like this.
All right, let's move.
Move! Sorry, Orkney, but Thaddeus and Hercules won't be back.
They shot it out.
He killed 'em dead.
I had no choice.
Was it a fair fight? They drew first.
And they didn't kill you? The wind must've been in my direction.
I'll see to them, Papa.
Ashes to ashes, my daughter.
Well, they weren't much, but they were our blood, and they deserve a decent burial.
How wise are the Greeks the legend of Antigone.
She had to bury her brother.
You'll have my full permission, my daughter.
So, you're the earthquake artist, huh? That's well put, citizen.
You're a very destructive man, citizen.
We're going to have to put a stop to you.
"Put a stop to you.
" You took the words out of my mouth.
Your weapons, please.
All your weapons.
I have enough respect for the Secret Service to have studied some of your techniques.
Thank you.
Look in there, please.
So, you have killed my sons.
They may not have been much, but surely they deserve revenge.
I'll see that you die with a flair, sir.
But we're your guests, sir.
Mm-hmm.
Gently, citizens, gently.
If you so much as sneeze, why, the involuntary shudder will cause you to move your feet, and that will kill you.
You see, there is just enough glycerol trinitrate in those little vials tied around your feet to blow you balloon-higher than an earthquake.
Oh, you do have a homesy humor.
Gently, gently, citizens.
No heavy breathing.
Ooh, that is a lovely pose.
I tell you what it's ideal for- interrogating suspects.
Yes, I offered it to the police in Boston, and they thought I was mad.
A prophet without honor; it's been my fate.
But no longer no longer.
Well, look around you, Mr.
, uh, North? West.
West, West.
You just look around you, but carefully.
Remember your feet, you see.
Now, what do you see? A geologist's laboratory.
Very perceptive! You see, I was correct to be concerned about you.
You seem very unconcerned about everyone else in the state of Wyoming.
That is false! I gave everybody fair warning! Here, you see that? And my first ultimatum was to the governor.
I told him to evacuate Wyoming, and if he'd done it, why, there'd have been no loss of property.
What's the difference, if you want it all? The difference is that I'm going to get it all from all of them.
"Them"? "All of them"? Luke Sorroll is the first one.
He's the cattle baron at the Crow's Foot County.
That was the first county that I conquered.
But you know, I was not unhappy at Harvard.
After all, I held the Chair of Geology, Orkney Cadwallader, B.
A.
, M.
A.
, Ph.
D.
, L.
L.
D.
And since my colleagues were as impecunious as myself, well, my economic pain was not unbearable.
But I warn you, citizens, unless you raise the salary of teachers very soon, there's going to be trouble.
Now, you mark my words! But to get back to business in hand.
This Luke Sorroll, he offered me my fortune to go out to Wyoming with him and use my geologic skill to find him the best grazing land for his beef, and I did.
Did he pay you? No, a pittance.
Nothing to what he promised, nothing to what I earned him, and then, when he finished with me, why, I had to beg for employment just to feed my family.
But you found employment.
Yes, Luke Sorroll and Adam Bogartus and Clay Crawford, they passed me around like a fiddler's filly and then when I asked for land- just a little piece of land for my fee- they put a price on it that I couldn't meet, and so I took my land and theirs.
With your earthquakes.
With my earthquakes.
You're curious, aren't you? Well, just say so.
It's a simple, declarative sentence.
I am curious.
Yeah.
Precisely.
You know what a fault is? A bad serve in tennis.
No.
Silence, you wretch or I'll tickle you.
A fault is an irregularity underneath the earth's surface.
We're not geologists, professor.
Oh, that's very evident.
No, but you're correct.
It is an irregularity beneath the earth's surface or, more specifically, it is a fracture beneath the crust of the earth and just as a broken limb is more susceptible to pressure in the human body, so it is with the earth, as I discovered when I was looking for water for this parched land.
Now, I put some dynamite over what I thought was an underground river, but what I found was not water but, shall we say, a weapon? You slaughtered innocent people.
Never! I tell you they were warned.
Those 300 people at Ford's Junction weren't warned.
Well, that was a mistake.
It's regrettable.
I was just trying to polish my skills.
And a whole village is wiped out.
So that a thousand villages can be born and abound in dignity.
Do you know that there is enough gold and silver in Wyoming to feed every man, woman and child? Enough to create a community in which the arts and sciences shall flourish? Enough so that even the lowliest man can carry his head in dignity and, no taxes, of course.
And the fact that you're a thief and a murderer? Doesn't that concern you? No, no, no.
No more than your death would.
Don't you find it necessary to bluff now and then, too, Jim? Mm-hmm.
Professor, if we step on these vials won't you and your laboratory be blown up with us? I hate clever men.
I hate you, Father.
That's a very healthy symptom, my daughter.
When you can transfer those violent emotions from me to a suitable young man, well, your future happiness will be assured.
Father.
You know, earlier, you were Antigone, and now you've become Electra.
You've run the whole gamut of Greek drama.
You are callous beyond belief.
Run along, please, I'm busy.
Too busy to be at your sons' burial? Well, that won't bring them back, but I will be at theirs.
Oh, I hate you.
Now, run along, please.
Oh, and, uh when Wyoming becomes an independent country, we will have a great inaugural ball, so you go work on your guest list.
And, pray, send Sam and Harry to me, hmm? We have time for another question or two, gentlemen.
Do you really think you'll get away with all of this? If we die, the government's sure to send troops in after you.
I have earthquakes enough to take care of any number of armies.
Now, gentlemen, I'm going to show you instances of the fault line in Wyoming.
Now by placing dynamite at crucial points, I bring pressure to bear on the land masses that are straining at each other.
An example.
I put pressure Voila.
An earthquake.
Exit Sawtooth.
It's a stunning success.
Good-bye, gentlemen.
Don't stumble, Sam.
I'm Harry.
Well, then, act like Harry.
Be careful, both of you.
Our guests are going on a short journey.
Why do you have to die? My sentiments exactly.
I know that if you gave up your old Secret Service, Papa wouldn't kill you.
I can tell Papa to start his own Secret Service and you can be in charge.
But I don't agree with what Papa's doing.
You might even say, we're here to stop him.
Well, you might also say you've certainly failed at that.
Hope springs eternal.
Now, for the last time, please be sensible.
Sorry.
Papa simply has to stop killing all the men in Wyoming.
Good-bye, Mr.
Sawtooth.
Uh, I mean, I have to prepare the earthquake for Sawtooth.
By the way, this is very important.
The statistics and the records in the courthouse are the only claims that anybody has for any of the territory here in this section of Wyoming.
All right, go on.
Good-bye.
You know, somewhere inside there, Cadwallader makes powder out of this ore.
Including us, you might say.
Rock it, Artemus, rock it.
It's our only chance.
Now, hold still.
That's got it, Artemus.
Someday they'll improve that machine so they can stamp anything they want, anytime.
Boy, you have an inventive mind.
This is Sawtooth, and this is the fault line.
The question is: Where did the professor plant the dynamite? Well, the question is how accurate this model is.
We don't even know if he's built it to scale.
The professor's a thorough man.
It's as accurate as he can make it.
In that case my guess would be that the dynamite set off the earthquake was planted off in that direction.
About ten miles east of here, near the woods.
I've got to find the professor, the dynamite, or both.
Artemus, you get to Sawtooth and get those people out of there in case the professor wins.
Right.
Boy or girl? What's that, ma'am? That is a simple question which even a triumphant male should understand.
You the father come to report the birth? Oh, no, ma'am.
You can't fool Aunt Martha.
She's awful sharp.
Well, then what is she still doing here? What are you all still doing here? Haven't you been told to get out of town before the earthquake hits? Then you're not a father.
You're, you're just scared.
Believe me, Aunt Martha, I have every reason to be- not for myself, but for everyone in Sawtooth.
You and Mister, uh Porter Richards, Deputy Clerk of Sawtooth County.
I'm Chief Clerk.
Well, you're going to be an ex-chief and ex-deputy if you don't get out of town.
Because people are fools enough to leave their homes? Let someone frighten them away? Take their land? Not take their lands, Aunt Martha, destroy them with earthquakes.
If there are no witnesses, he can call it anything.
I was in Sentinel.
I am a witness.
Hearsay.
No, I tell you I saw it.
You say? I don't know you.
And I must say, you don't look any too reliable.
Aunt Martha, I am an agent for the United States Secret Service.
If you was secret, you wouldn't be telling us.
Aunt Martha's a hard one to fool, let me tell you.
She's a hard head to boot.
You're going to kill everybody in this town if you don't listen to me.
Young man, by the time you were born, I'd had six children, buried two, and killed That was across Main Street from here.
My husband, God rest his soul, and I, and one other man, made Sawtooth.
Mr.
Richards, will you listen to reason? Boy, I'll listen to anything.
It's better than writing in this book.
Will you help me clear the people of Sawtooth out? Well, you just heard Aunt Martha say that she and her husband started this town.
With one other man.
Guess who? Indians! Look out! They hit the dynamite.
Stop, you fools! You're leaving a kingdom! There are no Indians! I gave them six counties! Your philanthropy is over, Professor.
Oh, I knew it, I knew it.
I should have killed you myself when I had you in that laboratory.
We can talk about that later.
Right now, we've got some dismantling to do.
No organization.
No reliable chain of command.
Everything falls on my shoulders.
Oh, you've worn me out Mister whatever-your-name-is.
You'll have a long rest as soon as you tell me where that detonator is to blow up Sawtooth.
Sawtooth? Sawtooth? Uh what's the last name? The tea-party talk is over.
I want to know where that detonator is.
Ah, at last, the true child of her father.
Blood is thicker than water.
Don't move, Professor.
Have you no sentiment? I couldn't help it.
Blood is thicker than water.
And why aren't you sitting in a parlor somewhere welcoming my beaus, little king? Because no man is good enough for you.
Want to know where the detonator is, hmm? You're the detonator, Mr.
South.
Now, if and when this little pendulum touches either contact it will, uh, set off the earthquake and blow you and Sawtooth out of the state of Wyoming.
So, it'll be better if you don't breathe.
Very funny! Here now, my darling, here are the pamphlets for Clark City.
That's the scene of our next catastrophe.
Now hurry, hurry and get ready because we have a long ride.
Will you do as I say? Just a moment.
Ah! Don't you want to live? Not if I'm going to be an old maid.
Well, now, hurry, hurry, hurry.
Papa? Yes? What happens to your old earthquake if he doesn't move? You're a chip from the old block- always asking questions, always demanding answers.
No, those wires lead to another fuse and it's time for high noon.
It'll go! All right.
Exciting, isn't it? Exciting.
Exciting.
Hey, Professor Cadwallader? Stay right there.
I thought it was you.
You know me, do you? Oh, but naturally from your photographs, the great geologist.
I have read all your papers on compressional longitudinal waves.
Even in my own country, I've studied your lectures on secondary transport rates and I know your theories of a a I don't know the words in English as good as you know them yourself.
You do, do you? Ya.
Please, permit me, huh, to introduce myself.
I am Dr.
Nein Neinkindolf of University of Vienna.
I see.
Well, if you'll excuse me.
But, nein, please, I've come all the way from Austria to talk with you about something.
I look for you everywhere.
Now I find you face-to-face and I can't remember what it was.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
That's very flattering.
Some other time.
No, I remember now.
Here earthquakes.
Earthquakes? Yeah.
I am firmly convinced that a man with your vast knowledge, applying your theories could, uh, manufacture earthquakes.
That would make me a miracle man, wouldn't it? Well Shall I tell you a secret? Mmm? Yeah, yeah.
I can.
And for scientific purposes only of course.
That's all I wanted to know.
A revolt in the palace! I'm a man alone! You should have remained at Harvard, Professor.
So close, so close.
Stop! If I lose, you lose.
Papa, I've burned your circulars.
You've got to stop this.
You can't ruin people's lives and mine.
I want my chance for happiness.
Ah-ha.
Well, you've had your chance.
Your last chance.
I touch these, it'll unite you forever with that puritan that you've fallen for.
Uh-huh.
Jim? Jim where are you?! We're over here, Artemus.
You all right? It's not possible.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
It's not possible.
Sawtooth was rigged for annihilation.
According to my calculations, Sawtooth should have been utterly destroyed.
But it isn't.
Still here, safe and sound.
But figures don't lie.
Well, that may be true, Professor.
But I think you've based that fourth equation on a false assumption.
But that's basic.
I'd have to redo my entire theory.
Well, then, uh, here.
You'll have plenty of time, Professor.
One one more.
One more.
Thank you.
I was afraid I'd missed you.
I'm all ready.
Your father needs you, Faith.
Oh, no, it's happened.
I'm a big girl and you're just the kind of man I want.
I'm sorry, Faith.
Can't I just go with you? At your age, your papa certainly neglected your education.
Uh Excuse me.
Time to roll, Jim.
Good-bye, Faith.
Oh I hate you.
Oh, I hate you.
I hate the whole Secret Service!