Thirtysomething (1987) s01e12 Episode Script

1 Whoa! It's all over, alien scum! Foolish biped, you're doomed! Comply with our demands immediately! What demands? - Can I ask you to whoops! - Give us Sigourney Weaver! Aah! I'm hit! Uh, I'm hit.
How dumb can carbon-based life get? Don't you recognize me, Luke? Your voice is familiar.
In subsequent films I'll be revealed as your father.
- Father? - Call me Pop.
- Ow! - Pop.
- Soda pop.
- Wait, wait.
Come on, Mike.
One more game.
Give me a chance to get even.
We have to be brilliant in less than two hours.
Now, come on, take that thing off.
Come over here and help me think of brilliant new ways to sell soft drinks.
Oh, come on.
It's just a meet and greet.
Yes, with the man who created the concept of upscale stacking.
Breslow is good, but he's not that good.
- He's better than us.
- He makes more money than us.
Yeah.
Come on, Mike.
Short game, 10 points.
Come on, come on, come on.
What are you, on antihistamines today? I want to impress this guy.
- I want the job.
- I want the job, too.
Do you think sitting here worrying about it is going to help our chances? Yeah.
8 points.
Come on, Mike.
- No.
- No, no, no.
Look, you can beat me real quick.
Then I'll sit down and look morose until it's time to leave for the meeting.
Come on.
I've made a terrible mistake.
You've made a decision.
A terrible decision.
We won't know that for another hour.
Oh, God.
Look at all the mess here.
It's just surface mess.
There's another, much more profound mess underneath.
I mean, I wish I just didn't feel like I was taking advantage of you, but it's just that I thought if the two of us could work on this computer together and I couldn't get it to work, well, then, it would have never actually have been in my house, and I would feel like less of a failure taking it back.
This is great.
All these learning programs.
You're really smart buying this for Ethan and Brittany.
Well, you know, they have computers in kindergarten, and God knows they're going to be able to use it later.
And I thought I can do some household stuff on this.
And maybe when things calm down and the kids go away to college and I get some free times, I thought maybe that possibly I could even begin considering doing something like in the way of writing.
I don't know, a children's book or I I don't like all these warning signs.
We're going to get this thing working.
You're going to master it in an hour, pop it in the box, then take it home in order to make dinner.
Look No, no.
I know they're complicated.
Don't worry about it.
I'll bring something home for dinner.
Elliot.
Come on, we're late.
I'll get Chinese food, all right? Come on, Ell.
We got to book.
Okay.
All right.
Bye.
- I'll drive.
- I'll drive.
It's a ten-minute drive, right? For me it's a ten-minute drive.
What's that supposed to mean? It means you drive like my Aunt Judith who used to walk around the house screwing light bulbs into empty sockets to see if electricity was leaking out.
Are you saying I'm a wimp at the wheel? - We're late.
- No, wait.
Is that what you're saying? It's the same distance from our houses to here.
Yeah.
Every morning, like, we leave at the same time.
Every morning I get here first.
- That's what I'm saying.
- Oh.
Okay.
Elliot.
Not today.
Ell, don't do this today.
Don't know what you're talking about there, Michael.
Elliot! I would have made it, too, but I stopped to help the old lady that I ran over.
As you guys undoubtedly know, Minnesota Brands has a major market share of just about everything you can eat.
Recently, they acquired the bottling company that produces this little dinosaur.
Mr.
Squeeze? Yeah, Mr.
Squeeze.
Been around since 1935.
Now, it's never made a dent against the big boys.
But I've always been a sucker for the underdogs, so this is what I used to drink when I was a kid.
So when MB bought it, I talked him into giving me a crack at remarketing.
At the very least, I want to see Mr.
Squeeze go out in a blaze of glory.
Uh, what's it taste like? Like carbonated grapefruit juice With an attitude.
Hey, you know this stuff.
Well, I haven't had it since college, - but, yeah, I've had it.
- That's good.
So here's the story.
Nobody's looking to knock off the cola kings, but it's a chance to see if there's a new way to position a soft drink.
Now, you guys have done some nice, fresh, unpretentious hide-the-hardware kind of work.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
I'd like to see if you can come up with something for my friend here.
I'll be farming out 150,000 in local radio production and time buys.
You do what you want after I green-light the approach.
One thing, though.
We have something less than no time to get this up and running, so I will need to see some kind of a plan by the end of business tomorrow.
Problems? - Mm - Does neatness count? Well, I'll take off one letter grade if it isn't typed.
No problem.
Elliot, right? This stuff is like bottled nostalgia.
I can't believe you Don't you remember it was always the thing that was left in the campus center soda machine when all the good stuff was gone? I can't believe that you just committed us to a major presentation in less than 24 hours.
Mike, babe, it was either say yes to 24 hours or say goodbye.
I figured we'll go home, kick it around on our own tonight and mush it together in the morning.
"Mush it together"? That was Werner Breslow.
The man has more Clios than you have ugly neckties.
You think we're going to just go home and mush something together? Wait a minute.
What's wrong with my neckties? If we drop the ball on this, Elliot, we lose our place on the advertising food chain.
- We won't drop the ball.
- How do you know? Because.
Because we're going to go home to our lovely wives and children, and we're going to think of something brilliant that Breslow's going to go nuts over.
He's going to give us the job.
And we're going to make tons of money.
And we're going to be able to buy things for our kids, like personal stereos so they can listen to music that we find dull and satanic.
And then they're going to turn away from us and they're going to become white supremists in Oregon and make everyone feel uncomfortable around the table at Thanksgiving and other national holidays.
Try it again.
Okay.
Come on, sweetie.
You know, we probably should just take it back.
Oh, come on.
We're two intelligent, clear-thinking women with college degrees and opposable thumbs.
We'll just sneak right up on it.
Oh, I feel bad leaving it here.
- Oh, it'll be fine.
- Hey, Janey.
We'll work on it tomorrow.
Well, at least your house is closer to the store when I want to take it back.
- All right.
Thanks.
- I'll get a fresh start.
What do you think of that? Huh? Come here.
Come here.
Ooh, my girl.
Want to dance? Want to dance? Whoo! Oh! My big girl, huh? "What's that, Mommy?" Well, that's a computer, Janey.
That's a device that was invented by the geeky, pasty-faced boys that Mommy wouldn't ever go out with in high school.
Hmm.
It's their way of getting even.
You want to play with it? - Eh! - Yes? You do? But don't go out with those boys.
- Michael.
- Hmm? Juices not flowing? Deadlines.
I hate deadlines.
I always have.
They make me feel like a deer on the thruway looking up a pair of high beams.
That's probably why you chose a low-pressure, open-framed business like advertising.
It was either that or forestry, so I got Nancy's computer to work.
- Great.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot to check the nurturing schedule.
It must be my turn.
I'd feel a lot better if I knew Elliot was sitting on the floor of his living room as blocked as I am.
Maybe he is.
I know the guy.
He'd put up with this hell for 15 minutes, then he'd move on to something else because he knows I'll stick with it and figure out a way to make it work.
Well, you're linear and he's not.
- You make charts, he doodles.
- I doodle.
Yeah, but your doodles are like the carvings on a Mayan temple Linear, perfect, and thought out.
You make me sound very dull.
Oh, you're not dull.
You're very solid and very handsome.
It's just that if you and Elliot both had the same approach to solving problems, I mean, what would the point be? This way, you fill in each other's gaps.
I bet if Rob Petrie had had more support like this from Laura, he'd have had the guts to quit The Alan Brady Show.
And write that novel.
How do you expect to graduate when you keep handing in assignments that look like this? Sorry, Mr.
Steadman.
My dog ate it.
I like this.
God, you love the details.
Breslow's going to eat this up.
- I hope so.
- Come on, the guy likes us.
This is This is my fault.
I should have seen it coming.
What's that? What you have here is something good.
It's just wrong for what I need.
Now, you've taken a broader, longer-term approach.
It's a good campaign, but I should have been much, much more specific with you.
I'm sorry.
That's my fault.
- I take responsibility.
- Wait, whoa, Werner, Werner.
What are you, double-parked or something? I mean, we did come up with two different versions, two approaches.
Don't you want to hear the other one? Okay, Elliot.
Play out your hand.
Okay.
Um, it's a concentrated buy on the stations we discussed earlier with less expensive day spots to increase the frequency.
Right.
Which does not increase cost.
Right.
And it's 30s and 60s, one one voice, uncluttered spots.
Eliminate the garbage, the excess baggage.
In which, um, a man - A man.
- A man.
A man A man named Mr.
Squeeze Mr.
Squeeze, he he tells us that he's bought the commercial time to complain that a soft drink - has stolen his name.
- He's furious! And he begs us He begs us not to buy it.
Let me think about that one.
I'll call you when I get back to Werner, this could be very big.
No, Werner, Werner, Werner.
Wait, wait.
No, no, no.
I can see the camera pulling back It's radio.
Then, the microphone pulls back.
What's worse? "Final notice," "Accounts delinquent," or "If payment isn't made within 15 days", legal action will be taken"? Yes.
No.
Over my dead body.
What We got it.
- What? - I said we got it.
I just talked to Werner out in the lobby.
- He said we got the buy.
- Oh, whoa.
He said he was going to call us.
Yeah, I know, but I said, "Werner, come on.
Do we have it or not?" He said, "Run with that baby.
" - Hoo.
- Whoo? Whoo! - Baby! - Uh! So what's the problem? No problem.
We got the job.
We didn't get it with my idea, we got it with Elliot's idea.
I wanted Breslow to like my idea.
It was your partner's idea.
Yeah.
Actually, it's very similar to something I was fooling around with two, three years ago.
Honey, would you put down on the shopping list "new batteries for the toothpaste"? Oh, really, Michael.
You know our daughter is growing up in a world without tubes? Really, she's never going to have to face the challenge of what to do with that little, hard plunk of toothpaste you always get when the person you love and live with forgets to put the cap back on.
There.
How'd you do that? It's just an ascending ratchet.
A what? The technology that lives in every woman's lipstick.
And who says cosmetics are a push-off for the holidays? Mm.
Can you put your clothes on? I'm having trouble controlling myself.
Thanks.
Morning.
Good morning.
You want some coffee? No, I don't think so.
Quite a crowd you got down here.
Yeah.
We wanted to hear a broad range of voices with no preconceived notions.
- Good.
- Yeah.
I put together some rough audition copy.
- Is that it? - Yeah.
It's pretty loose so we can adjust it when we pick the actor.
- Great.
- Okay.
Well, sit down, and we'll start, uh Start looking at these good people.
Wait a minute.
- Where's Elliot? - Elliot? He should be in any minute.
He's probably on his way.
Well, let's give him a few more minutes.
- To get here? - Yeah.
Sure.
My, uh My 1-year-old, Janey.
I bent down to kiss her good-bye this morning and she planted this on me.
I'm guessing tapioca, but the smart money's on marmalade or any one of six locally found fissionable materials.
Michael, if you have something else to do, don't feel you have to entertain me.
No, no.
There's nothing else.
I cleared my morning to do this.
Oh.
Werner.
Michael.
Sorry I'm late.
No problem.
Just got here myself.
Great.
Janine, coffee? No, thanks.
For me, Janine.
Werner, you want anything? Yeah, black, no sugar.
Okay, black, no sugar for Mr.
Breslow, okay? - How are you doing? - Excellent, excellent.
Good to see you.
Listen, I was looking over this audition material and I was just thinking if we take this sections here - Uh-huh.
- Okay? - Move it up here.
- Right.
And cut some of this because I don't think we need that.
- I was thinking that myself.
- Come right in with this.
It's strong.
- Good.
- Gets us right into the material.
And then we go into the little, you know My name is Mr.
Squeeze.
I have come to state my case to the American people.
My name is Mr.
Squeeze, and I have come to state my case to the American people.
State my case to the American people.
For more than 30 years different soft drink I realize that Mr.
Squeeze is the adult treat that meets the My name is Mr.
Squeeze.
My name is Mister My name My name is Mr.
Squeeze.
My My My name My name is Mr.
Squeeze.
My name is Mr.
Squeeze.
My name is Mr.
Squeeze.
I'm Mr.
Squeeze.
That was good.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Thanks a lot.
- Thanks, Mike.
Thank you, Mike.
How many more we got out there? - Half a dozen, maybe.
- Four.
Anybody grab you by the throat? I don't know.
My taste is so quirky.
I always feel like I'm getting too far ahead of the people I'm trying to reach.
Go with your instincts and let the rest of the world catch up with you.
Sort of the Howard Roark Fountainhead approach to advertising? Guys, should we put these last few out of our misery? - Sure.
Why not? - Yeah.
- Those are nice shoes.
- Janine.
Yeah, those are the Swedish ones, right? The ones that are so popular, they have to smuggle them out of the country in crates of innocent paperbacks? The man knows his equipment.
Now, who's on the copy list right now? Right now - Devlin.
- Devlin.
- Devlin.
- Hmm? - Yeah, we're thinking.
Okay.
This is Max Mayer.
- Max.
- Hey, Max.
- How are ya? - Nice to meet you.
Hi.
It's me.
Hey.
I'm returning Doctor Zhivago.
What'd you think? Oh, women that cold shouldn't look that good.
Hi, Nancy.
Hi.
You never saw it before? Zhivago?No.
I don't know why.
I think it came during a period of emotional crisis in my life.
Like the last half of the 20th century? Oh, look! You got one of those cute little baby toy computers! - It's Nancy's.
- No, it's for the kids.
They've got computers in kindergarten nowadays, - Uh-huh and, you know, they'll use it later Sure.
They don't have very much power, but they're really, really great for getting your feet wet.
Look.
Let me show you a few shortcuts.
Lynnie, uh See, you gotta really get in here, get your hands dirty, customize the programs, - create your own macros.
- You know.
Oh, please.
Get rid of this wimped-out online handle thing.
I think you're getting way ahead of us.
- We just learned how to turn it on.
- Oh, no.
No, you'll get this down in no time.
You gotta play with it, you know? You get a much better understanding of how these things work if you just simply play with 'em.
- Ohh! - Ooh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! We're the whiz kids, Mike, you and me.
You know that, don't you? We're able to leap tall mega-agencies in a single bound.
Look.
Up in the sky.
It's J.
Walter Thompson.
It's McMahon and Tate.
It's Michael and Elliot's company.
Can we play? Mmm.
So.
Don't you wish you knew more people so they could be jealous of us? Huh? Don't you? Hey, don't forget to book the studio sound, okay? I did it already.
Consumer Sound.
- Really? - Yeah.
No, no, no.
Let's use Mobius.
- Mobius is twice as expensive.
- No, I know, but they got that they got those sexy client booths, and they got those "I'm with the band" receptionists.
- Come on, let's take the high road.
- All right.
Okay.
- Whatever you and Werner want.
That's great.
- Great.
Good.
Boom! What's wrong? You won.
- I did? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah, just now.
You won.
Huh.
Let's play again.
You never win.
What do you mean? I mean you never win, and you just won.
- For the first time ever, you won.
- That was not the first time.
Yes, it was, Elliot.
Yes, it was.
- Really? - Yeah.
I never kept track.
Huh.
- You never kept track.
- No.
Then you hit That's "A" prog.
Right? Can you say that? Can you say that? - "A" prog.
- "A" prog.
Okay.
Now push "Control" "D" That's good.
Now call up the document.
See? You just push "Control" "F.
" See, we got Where's Where's the "F"? F, F, F, F, F! Boom! Got it.
Okay.
All right.
All right, push this.
One more time.
Boom! Okay.
Push this "Control" "D" again and call up another document.
There you go.
Push that.
No, no.
Michael's terrific.
He didn't get where he is without having a lot of talent.
A lot of talent.
But you, Elliot, you're gifted.
Look at the presentation.
Michael had all the right moves.
He had 'em down pat.
Well thought out, well rehearsed.
I see it a hundred times a day.
But you, you pulled something out of the air, and I panicked.
It was the first thing I thought of.
The first thing you thought of, Michael never would've thought of.
Look, I'm not trying to run Michael down, and I'm not saying that you guys don't work well together.
All I'm suggesting is that, given the right opportunity and the right environment, you could help redefine the medium.
Really? That's why I'm offering you a partnership, Elliot.
You're right.
Oh, you're right, you're right.
It's just, I don't know.
I mean, what do I say to him? I don't what to say to him.
I just can't turn to him and say Why don't they make a toaster that handles English muffins? Oh, God.
I mean, how many women Aah! Are gonna have to fry before they do something about this.
I just don't understand.
I mean, it's so simple.
Just make something that fits English muffins.
Have some more caffeine and tell me about it.
There's nothing to tell.
Everything's coming along fine.
Um, I'm on top of the copy.
We go into the studio tomorrow.
Everything's great.
Great.
Yeah.
Yeah, the client's happy.
He and Elliot are getting along like Spin and Marty.
Uh, see? Everything's happy.
Including you? That English muffin doesn't look so bad.
You can't lie, can you? Hmm? Well, I mean, is it is it that you break out in hives when you try to conceal something, or is it genetic, like being color blind or, you know, tone deaf? Are you accusing me of wearing my heart on my sleeve? No, sweet lips.
Just your nervous system.
- Breslow's gonna ask Elliot to jump ship.
- No, no Honey, listen.
It's a well-known fact that Breslow's agency is responsible for more headhunting than all the tribes at the highlands of New Guinea.
I mean, he he farms these jobs out specifically to look for people that he wants to work with, and then if he likes them, he makes them an offer.
And you think he's gonna make Elliot an offer.
Well, I fe I mean, it's like if you and I went to this - This is the work of science fiction.
- No.
Listen.
We go to this big party.
And And right in front of me, this guy starts to seriously hit on you.
All right? I'm talking world-class flirting.
I mean, he He's complimenting you.
He's jangling his Porsche keys in front of you.
He's even laughing at your jokes.
And, uh, and this is all taking place right in front of me as if I'm some sort of ornamental floral display.
Well, what am I doing? Am I going for the Porsche jinglier? You think he's obnoxious.
He dresses badly, and his caps are too even.
Well, if I can see through that, don't you think Elliot can? Well, sure.
But Werner Breslow isn't obnoxious.
He's charming.
He dresses great.
And I think his teeth are his own.
Good morning.
This is great.
This is great.
It's a little off.
What you need Yo, Michael.
Pull up a chair.
You're next.
Elliot? Yeah.
I was wondering what it's gonna be like when we're big-time movers and shakers, so I thought I'd try it on for style.
Faustine, Michael.
- Michael, Faustine.
- Hi.
Hi.
Could you please stop dropping little red hairs on my desk? I'm sorry.
How come you didn't want Faustine to give you the once-over? Because hair should not be cut by people named Faustine.
It should be cut by a fat man named Al wearing polyester smocks with hairy forearms.
Traditionalist.
Michael, this is really good.
- Good.
Thanks.
- Yeah.
I think we'll be able to make this perfect in the studio tomorrow.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
Good job.
Somebody just dropped these off for you.
- Anybody we know? - He was wearing a green uniform.
Oh, him.
- Hey, they're from Werner.
- Really? Yeah.
"Thought you'd like a pair of your own.
" I guess the other day when I said that I liked the pair he was wearing, then he sent these over.
- Yeah.
- What a Japanese thing to do.
Yeah.
Wow! Hey, put yours on.
We'll play some horse.
- They're both yours.
- No, no, no.
There's one pair for you, one pair for me.
No, no.
They're both your size.
Your feet are so small, the only thing I could do with these would be to hang them from the rear-view mirror.
Huh.
Oh, stupid.
I mean, I should've used another Ethan! Don't touch that! But the one that Elliot had in it already had the, um - the, you know - The systems folder? Ethan was teaching me the cookie counting game, and I thought I should do something other than something involving the Muppets, you know, but if I'd used another disk, the only thing that I would've missed was that stupid Christmas card.
See, Elliot had work on this one.
Hmm.
Little bombs.
Sarcastic software.
How precious.
Ooh! I could just shoot myself! Have you tried to restart it? No.
I haven't even touched it.
Okay.
Pull up a chair.
For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny People, people, please.
I'm I'm really very deeply touched by your show of affection and respect, and I want you to know that I'm gonna miss many of you.
- Aw - Aw You're more than just co-workers whose tireless efforts have allowed me to advance at a meteoric rate.
No, no, no.
You're much more than that.
You're acquaintances.
Aw - Aw - Aw And I'm outta here! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait! It's been real.
What about me? I don't know.
What about you? Do I come along? Max.
Mike.
Mike, Max.
What the hell? The world doesn't want my new come-along.
The world wants people who go.
You understand? No.
Well, there you have it, don't you, Faustine? Let's dangle.
Bad haircut, man.
Elliot! Mmhh! Ohh! Mmhh.
Okay.
The plug with the picture of the printer goes in the hole with the picture of the telephone.
"Hello! My name is Mr.
Squeeze, - "and I've come to take my cake" - That's it! That's it! Ohh! Thank you! Oh! Oh! How could I be so stupid? Oh.
Well, you know, I think what just happened, you just put it in the thing with the garbage can - instead of the file-finding thing.
- Oh, no.
That's what I was saying.
You can come in here and figure this out.
I'll never figure this out.
Oh, sure, you will.
Oh, Hope, shut up.
Okay? I mean, you come in here, and you assess the situation, and you look at the manual, and you figure out my problem, just like Elliot.
I mean, the hot water goes out, and he comes in here, and he goes, "Pilot light.
" I'm I'm thinking, like, ma Glacial drift or something major.
Oh, come on.
I mean, this was supposed to prove something.
I mean, this was gonna be me all by myself entering into the brave new world of computers and and coming out with a higher understanding of logic that I could give to my son.
I mean, this was gonna be something that I could master all by myself.
"No.
No, thank you, Elliot.
I don't need your help.
" We have had this here for one day, and already Ethan is using words like "database.
" I mean, I'm still using the packing instructions.
You know, in two weeks, we won't even be using the same language.
- Yeah, well, kids pick up things faster.
- No, no.
I didn't.
I mean, my brothers did, and his friends.
But Nancy.
We are going to beat this.
We're going to go through this manual, and we're gonna scrap, and we're gonna fight until we come out winners.
All right.
Okay.
Okay.
You put the rat on the doormat.
I thought it was a sandwich.
Hope.
It has "Welcome" written all over it.
I found out about the account.
I made the cold call.
I set up the appointment.
I did the research.
I called the auditions.
I booked the studio.
I wrote the copy.
So how come he's the one who gets the shoes? Michael, you know I hate to discuss business when I don't have any underwear on.
This isn't business.
It's personalities.
Personalities? Okay.
Maybe Breslow just feels more comfortable dealing with Elliot than with you.
Why should he feel more comfortable with Elliot? Uh, darling broad-shouldered husband, maybe he just likes Elliot better than he likes you.
What do you mean? You said it was personalities.
Right? I mean, maybe the two of them just hit it off better.
Are you saying that I'm not likable? Ohh.
Likable.
Climb back onto the visible spectrum.
Likable has nothing to do with it.
"Likable's" a term used to describe game show hosts.
I'm sleeping now.
Mmhh! So you're saying it's okay for this guy to come in and on the basis of personality, choose one partner over another.
He chose the agency.
He just likes Elliot better.
I mean, what's the difference? I mean, aren't there clients that you like better? No.
This is different.
Other clients don't come in and try to break up the partnership.
Breslow is all set to make Elliot an offer.
You can't be certain of that.
Oh, honey, I have eyes.
I can see.
I think you're being tremendously unfair to him.
Who? Who? Elliot.
You're extrapolating all over the place, assigning him motives that you're pulling out of a hat.
What if it is true and he does go to another firm? I think you should congratulate him, buy him a gold pen and pencil set, and wish him the best of luck.
Why should I make it easy for him? Because he's your friend, you idiot.
If you'd like to continue this conversation, I suggest you go over to their house and get into their bed.
This concludes our broadcast day.
- Sorry.
- Yeah, man.
You get stuck in traffic? - Unbelievable.
- I was afraid we were gonna have to start without you.
Get a load of this, huh? I got the lovely taste of Styrofoam.
Feel the heft of that, baby, huh? Huh? - This place is great! - It better be for what it's costing us.
Come on over here.
Look.
I want to show you something.
I had one of my patented brainstorms last night.
I'm looking over the copy, and I'm thinking that this might be better right here - if we did this here instead of here.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Might be clearer, I think.
- Uh-huh.
And this joke in the second 30 I think this might be a little funnier.
Take a look at that.
What do you think? - Oh, yeah.
That was pretty weak, huh? - No.
It wasn't weak at all.
- It was weak.
- No, you had the structure.
- It just needed a little nudging.
Get outta here.
- Teamwork.
Teamwork, that's the ticket.
Laurel and Hardy.
- Lennon and McCartney.
- Sacco and Vanzetti.
All right, this is good.
Okay.
Okay.
Let's show this to, uh, Breslow.
- He already loves it.
- What do you mean, he already loves it? We went over the change.
What, you showed these to him before you showed it to me? - Well, yeah.
- You couldn't wait ten minutes till I got here so you could show 'em to me first? We talked about 'em last night.
Last night? You called him with these last night? I I didn't have to call him.
We were having dinner.
Where was I when you were having dinner with a client? It was a very spur-of-the-moment thing.
- He called me, like, 7:00.
- Right.
He has your home number.
- And he has your home number, too.
- But he didn't call me.
No.
Michael.
Michael.
Wait a second here.
- Why are you getting so bent out of shape? - I'm bent about your attitude.
- My attitude? - How the hell naive do you think I am, huh? I mean, do you think I'm blind to the significance of this? I mean, the running shoes and the check, and then throwing my copy away.
- Maybe you're a little paranoid.
- Paranoid? Listen! - Do not try to Gaslight me, partner! - What?! Come on! Just drop the other running shoe! Tell me how last night at dinner, friend Breslow tells you how great it's been working with you! And too bad it's just one project, and wouldn't it be great - if you could work together all the time! - Is that what this is about? You know perfectly well what this is all about! Now, that man comes into to You wanna meet for lunch later? No.
I've got something with Gary.
It wasn't that bad, was it? Not since Ed Muskie wept in the New England snow.
As a man so artfully shot himself in the foot as I did.
Michael.
Oh, Elliot was so smug and so innocent and so condescending.
You're the one who blew up.
You're the one who told me to confront him.
I told you to talk to him, not confront him.
I think the man has a right to contribute to the project.
You can support me or be neutral.
Those are the choices today.
I thought his suggestions for the copy were kind of cute.
How do you know what his changes were? Well, Elliot put them into Nancy's computer, and Nancy thought she'd screwed it up, and I helped her save the document.
You helped her.
Yes.
Blindsided in my own home.
Bushwhacked in the bosom of my family.
Bosoms have nothing to do with it.
What the hell is wrong with you? Nothing is wrong with me.
Are you jealous of the attention? Is that it? Look.
I don't mind losing a fair fight.
But I never had a chance with this.
You know? I was I was hobbled from the second that Breslow tossed the soda bottle - to Elliot instead of me.
- What are you afraid you've lost? I got it.
Whoo! Oh, yes! Yeah! Good game, Mike.
Gee, you look a little out of sorts and irritable.
Want some of these? Oh, that's hilarious.
Listen, did we bet on this and I just forgot or what? I mean, I knew you were competitive, but is that my blood on your racket? Oh, you're you're not into competition, right? Dude, you're not into competition.
You just keep murdering me at squash.
No, I'm nuts about winning.
I just don't believe in competition.
What, you're making this up as you go along? - You're improvising? - Every time, it's different on the court.
You beef up, you pump up about five million years of male ego.
- Yeah.
- You just have to triumph over your enemies, to to smash 'em into the ground, to to slaughter their cattle, to burn their cities, to kiss their women on the lips.
You're trying to beat me.
- I'm just trying to play the best game.
- Yeah.
I mean, you you With you, there's always loses.
- With me, it's just different degrees of success.
- You know something? If you ever lost a match, you would talk out of the other side of your mouth.
I never lose.
Q-E diddly dee dee-dee.
He changed the copy on his little home computer, you know? And Nancy lost the file? Hope helped her retrieve it.
My own wife helped to humiliate me.
Women are like that.
You know? I mean, not the humiliating part.
That's really your fault.
How they help each other? It's just another way that women are better than men, how they can focus group energy on a project and delay individual gratification.
I mean, it's no wonder all of your male-dominated civilizations made such a priority out of preventing an organization of women.
I mean, if they If they can get together They they could Dare I say it? They could rule the world.
You've made quite a study of this.
No.
It's just an eye on the future, man.
I figure tops 50 years, we'll all be women or Chinese.
Sometimes I worry about the public access mind of yours.
Stand out, Michael.
You'll help save the planet and improve your squash game.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Mmm.
- Mmm.
- It's true.
So has Elliot said anything to you about leaving the partnership? No.
He say something to Michael? Mmm.
Michael's guessing.
I just thought maybe he said something to you about this Breslow thing.
Well, he doesn't go into any details about his work.
I mean, not with me.
Um, what makes you think he wants to quit? Oh, I don't.
Michael does.
But they work so well together.
Mmm.
For men.
Well, I don't know.
Michael's jealous 'cause this guy likes Elliot.
You know, he always has his eye on the comparative popularity meter.
And there's this king-of-the mountain mentality that he hasn't been able to shake.
Yeah, I think the government should look into the toxic side effects of testosterone.
It makes men so odd.
Um, I think it's a matter of lead time.
Our bodies just haven't caught up with our civilization.
I mean, all this aggressiveness and competitiveness was very useful in the rainforest.
Yeah, but in a service economy, it all just backs up in their system and comes out in the form of junk bonds - and Sylvester Stallone movies, - Yeah.
And that's why I got Ethan the computer.
I'm gonna try to move him away from he-men and on to microchips.
I mean, we didn't change the world.
Maybe they can.
You know, I read this story in high school.
I think it was Saki.
It was about this mother, and she didn't want to give her sons any toy soldiers for Christmas.
So she gave them, um, uh, toy farms, you know, - pigs and farmers and cows.
- What happened? Well, she came down Christmas morning, and there they were under the tree, you know, having a war between the cows and the pigs.
Ohh You like my plane, mister? - You know, I want to talk to you about this.
- What about it? - It's an inner-office memo.
- Right.
- From you to me.
- Yes.
You never gave me an inner-office memo before.
Usually, you just stand at the door and shout.
Is there a problem with the memo? Oh, I don't know.
Nothin' I can think of.
Let me see here.
"Please provide yesterday's details "on Mr.
Squeeze recording session "total length of session, client response, etc.
, etc.
M.
Steadman.
" You don't have to do it today.
Type it up anytime.
Gee, I'd like to be able to talk to you about it.
An oral presentation would be all right.
I do think, however, we should have something on the files in case there are any questions later.
Whoo! Boy, Mike.
It's awful chilly in here.
Want me to put a little ice on the thermostat? Okey-doke.
The session went fine.
It lasted three hours.
The client was happy, albeit a touch confused over the events preceding the session, specifically the exit of one half of the ad agency which he hired.
But not knowing the truth, I cleverly lied and told him, "No.
That wasn't Michael Steadman who ran out.
That was his evil twin brother Brick Steadman.
" And you know what? I think he believed me.
You don't want to talk about this, do you? There's nothing to talk about.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
Then shoot.
Come on, Brick.
Show me what you're made of.
Huh.
A near hit.
Oh.
All right.
Aah! Ow! Ahh! - Ow! Oh! Oh! Ahh! Ahh! - You all right? - You all right? - No.
Ahh! No! No! No! - My hand, my hand, my hand, my hand.
- Is it broken? - Can Can you move it? - Uh-uh.
All right.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's go.
We gotta get an X-ray.
Come on.
Laughin' At clouds I'm singin' I'm singin' In the rain Boom boom I'm Hi, whacky.
The nurse said I could come in.
She'll be back in a minute.
She bringin' more painkillers? I don't know.
Well, if she does, take a number.
I was here first.
How's the finger? What finger? Oh.
This finger.
Boy, I bet it hurts.
I feel awful about this.
Yeah.
This is the 30-day disabled list for you, scooter.
I have to sit out the rest of the season.
You gotta know how sorry I am.
Come on.
Accidents happen all the time.
Car wrecks, meltdowns, David Lee Roth.
It happens all the time.
This was an accident.
You know, that partnership insurance doesn't pay off unless you croak me.
I was pretty steamed about Breslow.
You should've broken his finger.
Breslow made you an offer, didn't he? He asked you to dump the agency? Yeah.
Werner hinted about it.
What am I supposed to do, blow off everything we've worked for? What kind of person would even consider doing that? Oh, Luke, say it ain't so.
Well, at least I wanted the opportunity to turn him down.
What's the point of having a little integrity if nobody ever asks you to sell out? You don't know how mad I've been at you - the last couple of days.
- I don't? You're my friend.
You're my partner.
But lately lately, you've just been the other, the guy passing me on the stretch.
- You ready for this? - Hmm? I even started hating you for having a son.
Uhh! Uff.
Oh, where do these thoughts come from? The Black Lagoon.
The bad backwaters of the gene pool.
Yeah, but we're not apes.
We're not out on the savannah.
And what happened to civilized behavior? I mean, this this is why nations don't get along.
This is why wars are fought.
You're not gonna write another letter to the Times, are you? I tried to hurt you, Elliot.
I mean, that scares the hell out of me.
I don't know.
I'm supposed to be the one everybody counts on.
"Ooh, Elliot.
"Elliot's great.
"He's great.
He's really creative.
"But, you know.
You know.
I mean, "he rides He rides shotgun.
Mike Mike's the main man.
" Do I really feel that inadequate? I don't think I ever told you this.
All right? But I get kinda a special lift out of seeing you in deep spiritual pain.
Sort of helps me keep things in perspective.
I mean, I'm sittin' there at my desk trying to work up enough strength to go home to deal with what's left of my life, and you'll come in, angst to the gills, about some moral dilemma or why you weren't breast-fed as an infant.
You know? I Okay, okay.
It wasn't entirely horrible being stroked a little bit.
That was great.
- So, what are you gonna do? - About what? About his offer.
Pass.
Because of me? No! Because I don't want to work for somebody else.
Good.
That's good.
Because I, uh Because I really Because I r Me, too.
Me, too.
Drugs! We need prescriptions drugs here! I mean, this is a nightmare! My friend is in physical pain! This is a modern hospital that has things called Percodan.
There are things called valium! There are There are developments in science that have